Romance of the Three Kingdoms Podcast

Meet two statesmen who really mastered the art of saying, "That's not in my job description."

Tired of Shu's perpetual encroachment on its borders, Wei decides to take the fight to its nemesis.

Jiang Wei finally gets the better of Deng Ai, but even that ends up backfiring.

Discord between lord and vassal simmers in the court of Shu, while things boil over in the court of Wei.

While the Shu and Wei continue to slug it out in the West, the kingdom of Wu deals with internal unrest at the highest level.

Sima Zhao takes the emperor on a buddy road trip to put down another insurgence in a particularly troublesome part of the kingdom.

Oh look: Another Northern campaign by the kingdom of Shu. Yawn.

We say so long to the novel's pivotal player and wonder if he was really the genius the book made him out to be.

A couple generals down South stir up trouble for Sima Shi. Now if only their forces knew the way to his camp ....

Jiang Wei's Northern invasion meets the same fate as Zhuge Liang's, while Sima Shi borrows a few pages from Cao Cao's playbook for how to deal with imperial puppets who don't know their place.

Things go well for the kingdom of Wu and its political leader ... until they bite off more than they can chew.

Aided by an unexpected defection, Jiang Wei restarts the Northern campaigns by setting his sights first on the Northwest.

It's been a while since someone made a play to seize power from within. That changes this week.

A new threat emerges on Wei's northeastern borders, and he is just as bad at battle strategy as Jon Snow.

While Zhuge Liang sails off into eternal fame, the Wei emperor Cao Rui goes in search of eternal youth.

The death of its indispensable man is just the start of the Riverlands' troubles.

A stunning turn of events in the showdown between Zhuge Liang and Sima Yi.

Again and again, Sima Yi is made to rue the day he stole Zhuge Liang's invention.

We delve into the story of the one-armed assassin and the guy who kicked his butt AFTER being assassinated.

Zhuge Liang and Sima Yi match wits over the latest in wheelbarro

After another promising Northern campaign gets short-circuited, Zhuge Liang prays to his former lord for the strength to carry on, because he's made up his mind and he ain't wasting no more time.

Just as he was getting into a groove, Zhuge Liang is rudely interrupted in the field by an urgent dispatch from his emperor.

A brief explanation of the story behind the most famous secret crossing in Chinese history.

You've seen Zhuge Liang kill someone with just his tongue. Now watch him kill someone with the written word.

Zhuge Liang's third Northern expedition gets off to a promising start, but what else is new?

Did you know that we had actually been rolling with just two official kingdoms all this time? Well, Sun Quan will fix that this week.

Zhuge Liang toys with Cao Zhen time and again on his second Northern expedition.

We delve into the life and career of the real Liu Bei to see if he is really as virtuous as the novel made him out to be (spoiler alert: No one can be as virtuous as the novel made Liu Bei out to be).

Zhuge Liang prepares to take another shot at Wei, but one old friend will not be joining him.

While Zhuge Liang picks up the pieces after his aborted Northern campaign, a Wei commander falls for a trick from the South.

When his campaign takes a drastic turn for the worse, Zhuge Liang is forced to resort to a desperate gamble.

Meng Da totally misses the point of a SECRET rebellion. Can Zhuge Liang's advice help him pull it off anyway?

While the Wei forces have their hands full with Zhuge Liang along the border, a new threat lurks deep inside their territory

Wei forces sent to stop Zhuge Liang first try to out-talk him, and then try again to outsmart him.

Matching wits with Zhuge Liang sounds like a horrible idea, but that won't stop multiple Wei officers from trying.

Zhuge Liang sends a 70-something general and a tax collector to lead the way for his Northern expedition.

We dive into the differences between the fictional and real-life Zhang Fei and ask, "Who really whipped that corrupt bribe-seeking government official?"

How do you appease the angry souls of the damned? Feed them buns that look like human heads and tell them death is no escape from imperial subjugation, apparently.

After a couple more displays of over-the-top kindness, imperial subjugation is starting to look kind of decent after all for Meng Huo.

Zhuge Liang strolls into Meng Huo's house and makes himself at home.

Zhuge Liang's army marches deeper into the heart of darkness and forgets to read the part in the travel guide about bringing bottled water.

Zhuge Liang catches Meng Huo twice more with hardly any effort.

Zhuge Liang continues his campaign to win not only battles, but also barbarian hearts and minds.

Zhuge Liang barely breaks a sweat while cruising through level 1 of his Southwestern quest.

While Shu and Wu become best buds again, trouble pops up from the North and the Southwest.

An episode that starts with five armies bearing down on Shu somehow ends with nothing more than a showdown between pedants at a banquet.

A huge episode where we bid farewell to our favorite villain by delving into his real-life counterpart's life, career, and legacy.

Liu Bei gets sad, Cao Pi botches an invasion, and we read a poem by one of China's greatest poets.

The tide of battle -- and history -- turns in the span of one night.

In his most desperate hour, Sun Quan puts his faith in Lu Xun, but will his officers obey orders from a man they see as a pedant and a coward?

Liu Bei's team of old warhorses takes another hit, but two young stallions are waiting in the wings. This episode is brought to you by special guest Kaiser Kuo, host of the Sinica Podcast.

With Liu Bei bearing down on them, the Southlands try to tell him that they didn't really mean to kill Guan Yu; it was all a simple misunderstanding. We swear!

No, not him, too!! Another major character bites the dust.

You would think the end of a 400-year dynasty would have more action than this, but it's all just decrees, counter-decrees, speeches, humble brags, and an unusually strong gust of wind.

Cao Cao's third son finds out what passes for brotherly love in his family.

Cao Cao grapples with mortality and legacy.

We bid farewell to the Lord of the Beautiful Beard and talk about that time when Cao Cao stole the woman Guan Yu was going to steal from someone else.

Guan Yu's ghost finds inner peace ... and then starts killing and spooking people.

Defeated and leaking troops by the minute, Guan Yu makes a desperate dash for safety.

While Guan Yu is busy fighting Cao Cao's forces, Lü Meng and Dongwu try to catch him unawares.

After an arrow causes a festering wound, Guan Yu signs up for a bleeding-edge surgical operation.

With the battle for Hanzhong in full swing, Liu Bei sends a senior citizen to chase off some rowdy kids.

After a general risks life and limb to save him, Sun Quan makes sure everyone appreciates the sacrifice.

Zhang Fei and Ma Chao collide in a battle for the ages.

Cao Cao gets a promotion, nine very nice pieces of swag, and a hint about Sun Quan's imperial destiny.

Cao Cao’s latest victory triggers a chain reaction in the western reaches of empire.

With a few strokes of his brush, Cao Cao sows dissent in Ma Chao’s inner circle.

Cao Cao’s opening rounds against Ma Chao get a little hairy.

Another week, another conspiracy against Cao Cao, and another evil-woman trope.

A look at the most legendary battle of the novel and how the fictional account differs from the real showdown.

Zhuge Liang delivers a heartfelt eulogy for a dearly departed friend, while Pang Tong shows how to advance your career by not doing your job.

Zhou Yu devises yet again scheme to take Jing Province, because he’s a glutton for punishment.

Liu Bei and his new wife try to flee from the murderously angry clutches of Sun Quan and Zhou Yu.

Sun Quan and Liu Bei are now brothers-in-law as the fake wedding becomes real.

ROTK goes in search of higher TV ratings: Several role players get killed off, and we have a surprise marriage proposal.

After seeing his colleagues each conquer a county, Guan Yu wants in on the action, but an “old pawn” stands in his way.

While Dongwu and Cao Cao are busy fighting each other, Liu Bei expands his sphere of influence.

Zhou Yu fools Cao Ren; Cao Ren fools Zhou Yu; Zhou Yu fools Cao Ren again; Zhuge Liang fools everyone; Zhou Yu bursts a blood vessel.

Routed and trapped, Cao Cao and his haggard troops throw themselves at the mercy of the man blocking their path.

A little Christmas morning stocking stuffer: A look at some of the guys that Zhuge Liang keeps getting compared to.

The Battle of Red Cliffs goes badly for Cao Cao, but he still finds reasons to feel smug, much to his men’s chagrin.

After Zhuge Liang moves heaven and earth, Zhou Yu and Liu Bei move their troops into position for the coming battle.

Delighted by his invincible fleet and moved by the scenery, Cao Cao shows off his literary chops … until someone decided to play critic.

Zhou Yu and a couple other wise men of Dongwu spin an elaborate ruse for Cao Cao to faceplant into.

Zhou Yu presents Zhuge Liang with an invented problem. Zhuge Liang delivers an outside-the-box answer.

Zhou Yu gets visits from Liu Bei and an old school chum, and he cannot not be happier to see them.

Sun Quan formally declares war on Cao Cao, while his commander Zhou Yu secretly declares war on their supposed allies.

Zhuge Liang has a little homonymical fun with Zhou Yu as they discuss whether the Southlands should fight or submit to Cao Cao.

When Zhuge Liang finds himself in the same room as the Southlands’ foremost academics, the gloves come off and jabs fly. Verbal jabs, of course.

Zhang Fei’s cunning is the only things standing between Liu Bei and Cao Cao’s army. Well, that and his really loud, really deadly voice.

All hell breaks loose as Cao Cao’s troops catch up to Liu Bei. Out of this hell rides his general Zhao Yun, with a precious package strapped to his chest.

Zhuge Liang burns another detachment of Cao Cao’s troops, but there are plenty more where that came from.

Zhuge Liang blazes to victory in his first battle, but Cao Cao turns up the heat on Jing Province.

While Sun Quan prepares for a retaliatory strike from Liu Biao, Liu Biao and Liu Bei brace for an invasion by Cao Cao.

We leave Liu Bei with his new sage and check in on what the Sun clan has been up to.

We bid goodbye to the once-mighty warlord of the North and delve into the story of a determined assassin.

Liu Bei’s strategy for finding Zhuge Liang: Go up to anyone in Nanyang who can rub two words together and ask, “Are you Sleeping Dragon?”

Liu Bei gets really broken up about Xu Shu’s departure, until he learns there’s someone much smarter.

Approach Liu Bei on the street, sing a song, get invited to his office, advise him to give his horse to an enemy, get C-suite job.

Liu Bei gets invited to a feast, but Lady Cai and her brother ruin the fun when they try to kill him.

The surviving Yuan brothers get a cold reception from their host up north, and Liu Bei commits a dinner-table faux pas down south.

Riding a wave of inevitability, Cao Cao sweeps the Yuan brothers out of their territories.

The eldest and youngest sons of Yuan Shao take on their most hated foe — each other.

Yuan Shao finally has enough of Cao Cao, and now it’s his sons’ turn to get stomped.

Cao Cao puts a couple more smackdowns on Yuan Shao, but then gets distracted by a pesky old foe.

Night raids, catapults, tunnels, fires. All these and more in a CG-packed episode and one of the most important clashes in the novel.

Sun Ce starts seeing his favorite Daoist priest here, there, and everywhere.

Liu Bei and his gang of loyal followers meet up for a reunion tour, with a few new faces in the mix.

Guan Yu unexpectedly discovers a lost brother, who gives him a surprising welcome.

Guan Yu leaves Xuchang with Cao Cao’s blessings. If only Cao Cao had bothered to tell the men guarding the checkpoints along the way ….

Guan Yu does a couple huge favors for Cao Cao and then discovers Liu Bei’s whereabouts.

As Guan Yu prepares to fight to the death against Cao Cao, an old friend gives him three reasons why that is a bad idea and three reasons for surrendering instead. Guan Yu responds with three conditions.

We take a look at the history of the more-trouble-than-it’s-worth imperial hereditary seal that everyone wants and everyone seems to regret getting.

Dong Cheng and company demonstrate how not to run a conspiracy.

While one of Cao Cao’s old enemies submit, he gets trolled by a new thorn in his side who just won’t shut up.

We saw Lü Bu exit stage left a couple episodes back. In this supplemental episode, we take a look at the historical Lü Bu versus his fictional counterpart.

Liu Bei gets out of the capital and does not look back. Yuan Shu becomes distraught after discovering the scarcity of honey.

Liu Bei develops a sudden interest in horticulture, while Cao Cao wonders out loud, “Who’s a hero?”

With Cao Cao baring his imperial ambitions for all to see, the emperor does the only thing he can — give his brother-in-law a spiffy outfit.

While Chen Gong tries to help Lü Bu hold off Cao Cao, Chen Deng and Chen Gui run circles around them.

No new episodes until the new year, but listen to this brief announcement for some important info and holiday wishes.

Cao Cao’s awesomeness draws much fawning from his adviser Guo Jia, while the people of Xu Province express their love for Liu Bei through cannibalism.

Who’s more likely to lose his head in this episode: impostor emperor or granary officer? The answer may surprise you.

Cao Cao decides that he hates Lü Bu more than he hates Liu Bei, so “Liu Bei and I are like brothers.”

Sun Ce lifts off, Lü Bu shows off, and Yuan Shu gets ticked off.

Priceless imperial heirloom as collateral? Check. An old pal as your strategist? Check. Ability to kill by the mere sound of your voice? Check, check, and check.

Cao Cao deploys animal-themed schemes to sow discord between Liu Bei and Lü Bu.

The Han court hits rock bottom, at which point Cao Cao is all too happy to ride in and … umm … defend the honor and dignity of the throne. Yeah, that’s it.

Someone’s wife gets the wrong impression that her husband is cheating on her, and the next thing you know, we’re poisoning household pets, ingesting waste, burning palaces, and abducting everybody who’s anybody.

After spending his down time picking off some ragtag rebels, Cao Cao moves to reclaim his territory, which brings us to a good point to look back at what we have covered so far.

Cao Cao and Lü Bu face off for control of Yan Province in a back-and-forth attempt to out-trick and outfight each other. And then the locusts came ….

Everyone gears up for a fight with Cao Cao over Xu Province, and then all of a sudden it’s the province nobody wants.

Our old friend Cao Cao is expanding his operation. Want to join? You just need to either be a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of someone who already works there, or be a man-beast who kills dozens of coworkers with your bare hands over a disagreement.

Dong Zhuo learns that broken chariots, wild horses, and melancholy songs are, in fact, not auspicious signs.

Expertly manipulated by Diao Chan, Lü Bu and Dong Zhuo come to blows over who gets to go to bed with a 16-year-old.

Sun Jian leaves his son in charge, while Dong Zhuo leaves his son out in the cold for a pretty face.

Now that they are not fighting Dong Zhuo anymore, the former coalition leaders have to do something to occupy their time. What better way is there to avoid idleness than waging war against each other?

Dong Zhuo moves the capital and turns the journey into a traveling horror show as only Dong Zhuo can, while the coalition becomes distracted when it discovers the one thing of value that Dong Zhuo left behind.

The coalition forces are marching for the capital, but first, they will have to get past Dong Zhuo’s top generals. The result is two of the most famous battlefield encounters in Chinese lore.

It’s a busy episode for Cao Cao. He gets out of a sticky situation, screws himself out of a delicious pork dinner, drops some life wisdom on his traveling companion, and then stirs up a whole lot of trouble for Dong Zhuo.

As Dong Zhuo rises to power, he bestows endless kindness on all mankind. He’s doing such a great job, in fact, that someone decides to give him a beautiful, bejeweled knife with a razor-sharp edge while he was lying down with his back turned.

“Only with Yi Yin’s talent can you act like Yi Yin.” So who is this Yi Yin? We dive into the story behind one line of dialogue from episode 4.

We’ve had rebellions, palace intrigue, a deadly power struggle, and a bloodbath at the imperial residence. But all of that was just the warm-up act. We are finally getting into the meat of the story, starting with ascension of Dong Zhuo, who’s like Santa Claus, just less jolly and more stabby.

He Jin makes his officers bang their heads against walls with his pathological inability to dispose of the eunuchs. Meanwhile, a bit character from episode 1, Dong Zhuo, drops by the capital with 200,000 of his best friends, just to say hi and see what’s up.

Liu Bei discovers that landing a government job in the Han court takes connections, patience, and a lot of dead rebels. And that’s BEFORE the leeches start ransoming you for a bribe. Fortunately, Zhang Fei resolves the matter diplomatically.

The first episode finds the empire in turmoil and three men of valor vowing to do something about it.

A quick overview of what I’ll attempt to do with this podcast. You can also read this explanation instead.