Modern Love

Dave Finch reads his Modern Love essay, ?On the Path to Empathy, Some Forks in the Road."

To hear our conversation with Dave, listen to the episode: ?Un-Marry Me!?

We?re kicking off our new season this Valentine?s Day with a story from a Modern Love veteran.

David Finch has written three Modern Love essays about how hard he has worked to be a good husband to his beloved wife, Kristen. As a man with autism who married a neurotypical woman, he found it especially challenging to navigate being a partner and father. To make things easier, Dave kept a running list of ?best practices? to cover every situation that might come up in daily life. His method worked so well that he became a best-selling author and speaker on the topic.

But almost 11 years into their marriage Kristen suddenly told him she wanted to be "unmarried." Dave felt blindsided. He didn?t know what that meant, or if he could do it. But Dave wasn?t going to lose Kristen, so he had to give it a try.

Valentine?s Day Bonus: How does politics affect your love life? Hear Anna Martin discuss this tomorrow on ?The Run-Up,? a weekly politics show from The New York Times. You can search for ?The Run-Up? wherever you get your podcasts.

Zoe Fishman couldn?t stop thinking about the man she called her ?subway crush.? For years, she saw Ronen on the train and admired him from afar.

When they finally connected, it turned out Ronen felt the same, and they began a blissful life together. But when their story took a devastating turn, Zoe had to grapple with longing for Ronen at a distance again.

For the final episode of our season, we hear about the joy and loss that showed up in Zoe?s life, and the remarkable way she learned to live with both of them.

Zoe Fishman is the author of several novels, most recently ?The Fun Widow?s Book Tour.? 

Zoe Fishman reads her Modern Love essay, ?The Subway Crush Who Crushed Me."

To hear our conversation with Zoe, listen to the episode: ?I Married My Subway Crush.?

Zoe Fishman is the author of several novels, most recently ?The Fun Widow?s Book Tour.? 

Sonja Falck reads her Modern Love essay, ?Our 34-Year Age Gap Was Showing."

To hear our conversation with Sonja, listen to the episode: ?Our 34-Year Age Gap Didn?t Matter, Until It Did.?

Sonja Falck was immediately attracted to Colin, the professor who was renting her a room. He was intellectual and lively, with bright eyes that drew her in. It was only after they were already dating that Sonja found out Colin?s age: He was 34 years older than her.

Their age gap didn?t give them pause. Sonja and Colin got married, had kids and built a fulfilling life together. But when Colin reached his 80s, and Sonja was in her mid-40s, Sonja realized she was craving a level of physical intimacy that Colin could no longer provide.

So Sonja and Colin had to make a decision: Could they transform their relationship into something that gave both partners what they wanted? Or had their age gap finally caught up to them?

Eric Darnell Pritchard reads their Modern Love essay, ?Two Boys on Bicycles, Falling in Love."

To hear our conversation with Eric, listen to the episode: ?Two Boys on Bicycles, Falling in Love.?

Eleven-year-old Eric Darnell Pritchard was a solitary kid. They preferred reading romance novels to playing sports, and watching soap operas to hanging out with the neighborhood kids. Although they were obsessed with love, they felt too different to find a romantic connection of their own.

Then, a cute boy moved in across the street. To Eric?s surprise, they both ?like liked? each other. But when Eric told the wrong person about their new boyfriend, things quickly spun out of control.

Jessica Slice reads her Modern Love essay, ?He Cared About Me, So I Broke Up With Him."

To hear our conversation with Jessica, listen to the episode: ?He Cared About Me, So I Broke Up With Him.?

When Jessica Slice started dating a man named David, there was a lot to like about him. They could nerd out about books and board games, he was thoughtful and kind. 

But Jessica had a problem. The more caring David was, the more she recoiled. "He?s the greatest!" She texted her sister. "But I doubt I?ll go out with him again." This wasn?t the first time she'd felt like fleeing from affection, but something about David made Jessica hesitate. Was she finally ready for a new kind of love?

Rick Reiss was scared for his teenage son, Gabriel. Gabe was struggling with depression and mood swings, and no amount of therapy or medication seemed to work.

But when Gabe became violent, Rick wasn?t just scared for his son; he was scared of his son. Rick and his wife felt as if they had to do something drastic. So they made the decision to send Gabe to a wilderness therapy program.

Nearly 18 years later, father and son talk about the decision that changed both of their lives and how their relationship has grown now that Gabe is an adult.

Christi Clancy reads her Modern Love essay, ?Revenge of the Friend."

To hear our conversation with Christi, listen to the episode: ?My Sweaty Revenge.?

Christi Clancy had been avoiding her best friend?s ex-husband. He?d unexpectedly left her friend for another woman. After supporting her friend through the pain and heartbreak, Christi couldn?t help but resent the ex-husband for all the damage he?d done.

So when the man walked into Christi?s spin class, she saw an opportunity to exact revenge in the best way she knew how: on a spin bike.

Heather Sellers wrote her Modern Love essay in 2013, about reconnecting with her elderly, estranged father. Although their relationship was painful, Heather made sure that her last words to her father were ?I love you.? And at the time, that felt like closure.

Now, 10 years later, Heather tells our host, Anna Martin, that she would write a completely different essay today. She sees her father, and herself, in a new light ? and realizes that ?forgiveness? isn?t as simple a concept as she once believed.

Deanna Fei reads her Modern Love essay, ?To Keep but Not Be Kept."

To hear our conversation with Deanna, listen to the episode: ?What Does It Mean to Be a Kept Woman??

Deanna Fei did not need a man. She was in her 20s, living in Shanghai on a Fulbright scholarship, writing her first novel: a book about fiercely independent Chinese women, very much like Deanna herself.

Growing up as a first-generation Chinese American, Deanna resented the way some men, specifically white men, looked down on her. She refused to be anyone?s fetish. By the time she arrived in Shanghai, she had sworn off dating white men all together.

But then, Deanna met a man: an older, successful white man, who offered to provide for her as she pursued her dreams. Was Deanna betraying herself, once she started falling in love with him?

Susan Gelles reads her Modern Love essay, ?Single, and Surrounded by a Wall of Men."

To hear our conversation with Susan, listen to the episode: ?Don't Hide in the Bathroom Stall.?

Susan Gelles was a lawyer in her 30s who was too busy to find love. But after finally admitting that she was lonely, Susan did something that went against all her best instincts. She started attending singles mixers.

On this episode, Susan shares her disastrous mismatches, awkward flirtations and the story of how she almost missed her chance to meet the love of her life.

Khalid Abdulqaadir reads his Modern Love essay, ?The Polygraph Test That Saved My Marriage." 

To hear our conversation with Khalid, listen to the episode: ?Have You Ever Kept a Secret From Your Wife??

Khalid Abdulqaadir?s life was full of secrets. He started keeping them when he was a teenager, after his father was accused of an unimaginable crime. He didn?t want to explain his family history every time he started a new relationship. So his secrets followed him, even as he got married.

Many years later, Khalid was interviewing for a job in the U.S. government, and he was required to take a polygraph test. The examiner asked him a question he could not avoid: ?Have you ever kept a secret from your wife??

Khalid knew that it was time to tell his wife everything.

This is the first episode of our new season! We?ll be back every Wednesday with a new story.

Samantha Joseph?s childhood was scattered with golden trips to California to visit her Aunt Gail. Aunt Gail was the cool aunt. She worked in Hollywood and befriended actors like Robin Williams, Mayim Bialik and the cast of ?Friends.? And yet she was still relatable (she?d get on the floor and play like a kid).

One day, those trips to California stopped: Aunt Gail no longer wanted to see Samantha?s family. Samantha was devastated, and several years later, she was devastated again by the news that Aunt Gail had died by suicide.

Today, Samantha shares her search for answers following her aunt?s death and how a conversation with David Schwimmer helped her to heal.

Today?s Story:

Samantha Joseph reads her Modern Love essay, ?I Had to Stop Asking Why.? You can listen to Anna?s interview with Samantha in the ?Modern Love? podcast feed - the episode is called ?I Needed David Schwimmer?s Help:. 

You can also read Samantha?s essay on the New York Times website here.

Nell Stephens reads her Modern Love essay, ?How I Lost the Financé but Won the Honeymoon.? You can listen to Anna?s interview with Nell in the ?Modern Love? podcast feed. 

You can also read Nell?s  essay on the New York Times website here.

Bored and in love, Nell Stevens found a hobby combing the internet and entering her name into online contests. But, when she actually wins a prize ? a luxury honeymoon in India ? her world falls apart: The man she thought she was going to marry breaks up with her.

She decides to go on the trip anyway.

On today?s show, the host Anna Martin talks with Nell about her fiancé-less honeymoon ? and what she had discovered about herself by the time she returned home.

Today?s story

The last time David visited his ailing grandmother, he hid his wedding ring in his pocket. He?d never told her about his identity as a gay, married man. Fearful David?s grandmother would disown him, his family never told her about David?s loving marriage with his husband, Constantino. It was an untruth David lived with until the day she died.

Today, David shares how that untruth left a gaping hole in his relationship with his grandmother ? and the power of telling the truth in his eulogy.

Today?s story

Imagine you are on vacation. Your favorite shirt is waiting for you in your suitcase. You go to put it on, only to realize it?s not there. You forgot it, and there?s nothing you can do now.

That?s an experience that played out time and again for Natalie Muñoz, who split her childhood and adolescence between her parents? houses after their divorce. Now that she?s turning 18, she tells us how she?s finding a balance that works better for her.

Then, Modern Love listeners share stories about the moment they knew their parents were really divorcing and how that feeling has lingered throughout their lives.

Today's Story:

Kema Christian-Coates?s childhood was filled with ?holiday men,? absentee fathers ? including her own ? who returned each year around Christmas only to disappear again. Her father?s absence left a hole in her life and the fear that she, like her mother and grandmother, would never find a man she could rely on.

Today, we hear Kema?s story on realizing the power of her mother and grandmother?s presence in her life and on finding a lasting partnership.

Today?s story:

Having sex in a car is usually a last resort, born from the trappings of youth. For Susan Silas, it was a midlife necessity.

While working as a production accountant on a sitcom, Susan met a teamster. Despite having little in common ? he was former military; she had been an antiwar protester ? they hit it off. But, without a private place to go to, they found themselves having sex in the back seat of the teamster?s car. It wouldn?t be the last time.

Today, Susan shares how car sex turned into something deeper.

Today?s story:

As one of the only Indian girls in her tiny Canadian mountain town, Natasha Singh stood out ? and she was unafraid of being different. At 13, she shaved her head. By 17, she had run away for good. A few years later she came out to her mother.

Natasha?s worldview was worlds apart from her very traditional immigrant parents. Her mother always wore a sari ? never pants ? and Natasha longed for the power and control her father wielded in the family. She balked at the idea of marriage. That is, until she found Branly.

Now, decades after leaving home and watching her parents age together, Natasha reflects on a new understanding of her parents and an appreciation for the devotion they shared.

Clare Almand was born with congenital heart disease, so her life was never what she would call ?normal.? By the time she was 30, she?d had 10 open-heart surgeries and her health was rapidly declining. Clare thought she was dying.

With death looming, she was running out of time to do something she?d never done, something she felt like everyone else had already checked off their list. Clare felt she was running out of time to lose her virginity.

Today, Anna Martin sits down with Clare to discuss wanting to be normal, at least in one small way.

Bob Morris could tell that something was changing with his elderly father: His car was clean, his manners had improved and he had a shine in his eyes. He had a new ?lady friend.? Her name was Arlene.

Arlene loved Bob?s father, but she also set clear boundaries with him. She didn?t want to care for him when he got sick and ? despite what Bob?s father led Bob to believe ? she didn?t want to marry him.

Today, Anna Martin talks to Bob about his father?s last love story. Then, she talks to Arlene herself about a misunderstood marriage proposal and the limits of love.

Today?s episode mentions suicide. If you?re having thoughts of suicide or are concerned that someone you know may be having those thoughts, the number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255.

Sam and Tyler?s relationship was built on a philosophy of joy. Together, they climbed trees, ate cream puffs in bed, and danced in a field with their friends. But, after three years together, Sam was no longer in love, and they broke up.

A few months later, Sam was in a terrible accident. He had amnesia. He knew Tyler was important to him, but not why. He?d forgotten their entire relationship ? and he didn?t remember their breakup. Now, Sam needed Tyler to fill in the gaps. Over hospital visits she shared photos and stories ? trying to bring back Sam?s memories, yet unsure if she could reveal to him they were no longer a couple.

This is the first episode of our new season! We?ll be back every Wednesday with new episodes.

Today?s essay is written by Tyler Wetherhall.

Denny Agassi moved to New York City with a mission: She was looking to have great sex.

Her first summer in the city, Denny downloaded the dating app Grindr. She filtered for trans friendly men looking for sex or short flings ? and it worked.

Then, one day, she got a message from a man named Jack. He was poised, curious and caring. What she thought could only be something casual ? a Grindr relationship ? turned into something serious and meaningful. Denny?s guard began to fall.

But, just as she began to let Jack in, he was gone.

This is the final episode of our season! We?ll be back with new episodes in late May.

Plus, a call out to listeners: When did you realize your parents were really divorced? Tell us your story here: nytimes.com/divorcedparents.

When Jay Shetty graduated from college, he was prepared for two different paths in life: to work in finance, or become a Hindu monk.

After three years at an ashram, Jay returned home to London hoping to share his learning with the world. He had to relearn how to make small talk ? and how to flirt. He had his eye on someone special: a down-to-earth woman named Radhi.

Their first date was a disaster. But it helped him realize that Radhi, who would one day become his wife, yearned for a more simple and authentic mode of connection ? qualities he knew well from his time in the ashram.

Today on ?Modern Love,? Jay shares how anyone can bring the lessons of monkhood into dating and love ? even if you?ve never stepped foot in an ashram.

12 hopeful singles, thrown into a villa in Spain, hooking up, breaking up and making up. When Sophie Mackintosh was experiencing one of the darkest periods of her life, the reality TV show became her obsession. There was something about it that was deeply validating ? and kept her coming back.

Today: Sophie?s reflections on "Love Island." Plus, Lindsey Underwood, a Styles editor at The New York Times, gives us the lowdown on the show (she?s a superfan).

After, Melissa Akie Wiley shares her Tiny Love Story about healing from a childhood trauma ? and finding the love and acceptance she had thought was out of reach.

Mark Jason Williams and his mom often butted heads on two issues: She was uncomfortable when he brought up anything about being gay, and he was tired of her incessantly talking about how he survived childhood cancer.

By the age of 40, Mark had reached his wit?s end. He stopped pleading for her to change and instead proposed a $100 bet. But the real change in their relationship came when Mark broke his end of the bargain. Today, Mark and his mother, Betty Williams, tell their story.

?The only three men I had ever imagined a future with all told me that something was missing,? Oz Johnson wrote in her Modern Love essay. When Oz was 23, her boyfriend said she met 99 percent of his criteria, but she was missing 1 percent. Over a decade later, another man broke up with her via email. Their love was almost perfect, he said, but not enough to last.

What is this missing, unquantifiable feeling? Oz used to be haunted by these rejections, but now she has come to embrace the search for imperfect love.

After: Nancy Cardwell wasn?t looking for love ? but then, at 58 years old, she fell passionately in love with tango. Her newfound zeal for the dance took her to Buenos Aires, where she fell in love again ? this time, with a man named Luis.

Felice Neal was in the checkout line at Whole Foods when she dropped her sweet potato. A handsome customer behind her said, ?I think this is yours.? Felice was smitten.

Felice believes this meet-cute was fate ? and it opened her up to new ways of looking for love in a city full of millions of strangers.

Then, Jessica Strange shares her story about losing her husband, and selling the house they had lived in with their children. These days, she looks at photos of their old home on Zillow. Even though the rooms look different now, she finds solace in them. ?I picture us in these spaces loving, living, fighting, making up, making out, raising our babies,? she wrote in her Tiny Love Story.

When it came to dating, Aly Tadros was used to hiding the messy parts of her life. ?Why even bother? As soon as a guy finds out about my baggage, he bolts,? she wrote in her Modern Love essay.

That is, until Dan from OkCupid came along. His dating profile read: ?I?m a feminist. I respect women while simultaneously enjoy dominating them.? That was the start of Aly?s journey into B.D.S.M.

Today, Aly shares her story about exploring domination and kink, and what it has taught her about setting boundaries and demanding honesty. She calls this mind-set ?kink courage? ? and it?s changed the way she lives her life.

In her early 20s, Annabelle Allen longed to know what her dad had been like when he was her age. How did he spend his Saturdays? What was his first impression of her mom? When did he feel lonely? But Annabelle?s dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer?s disease at age 62, and ever since, memories of his past had started slipping away.

Recently, Annabelle was cleaning up her parents? storage bin when she made an incredible discovery: more than a dozen of her dad?s old journals. They were a gift that gave her a window into her father?s past ? and strengthened their connection in the present. After Annabelle?s essay, she shares an update on her father and reflects on the ways they have both been caring for one another.

For years, Evan Sterrett?s relationship with his boyfriend had become ?reruns of the same drama.? Evan wanted space; his boyfriend wanted commitment. But one summer, their relationship received a guest star ? a third partner who resuscitated their joie de vivre.

Today, we hear Evan?s story about navigating the complex geometry of throuplehood. Then, we meet Samatra and April Doyle. They don?t live together and don?t co-parent, but they are married and intend to be together forever.

Growing up in an ultra-Orthodox Hasidic community, Sara Glass was used to following strict rules ? including what to wear, when to get married and whom to love. ?I had strong feelings that I really should be with a woman and not with a man,? she told our host, Anna Martin. ?But I wanted to do what God said was right.?

Sara married her first husband at age 19. After two marriages to men, and years of working as a psychologist who strove to create a safe space for her clients, Sara was done hiding that she was gay. Today, Sara shares her experience of leaving the Hasidic community and finally embracing her true self.

Click here for Sara's Modern Love essay and more info about this episode.   

Modern Love is back for the new year! Look out for new episodes on Wednesday afternoons.

What?s the most unusual place you?ve ever been on a date? We asked Modern Love listeners and the responses did not disappoint. Rummaging through landfills, listening to cases in night court ? the stories get weird. Plus, there?s one that our host, Anna Martin, considers the most bizarre of all (hint: dead bodies).

For our last episode of 2022, we start with Dev Aujla?s essay about how he wound up traveling on a cargo ship across the Atlantic ocean with a woman who, weeks earlier, had broken up with him at the advice of her astrologer. Then, we hear from all of you.

This is our last episode before the holidays. We?ll see you in 2023!

Brandon Kyle Goodman never knew his father, but he did know his Uncle Ronnie. Uncle Ronnie was Brandon?s godfather, originally his mom?s college bestie ? and essentially, her sibling. Uncle Ronnie owned a hair salon, used words like ?fabulous? and ?honey? and was ?the only person who never questioned my effeminate nature,? Brandon said. But when Brandon became an adult, their relationship changed.

Today, Brandon reads his essay about the enduring bond with Uncle Ronnie. Then: Franki Kidd tells us about a stranger she met outside a bodega in Queens who changed her life.

An A-student, a striving employee and a loyal friend, Terri Cheney is the sort of person who seems to have it all together. But, beneath her glowing facade, she faced the highs and lows of bipolar disorder. She kept her mental illness separated from her personal and professional lives, but she could not conceal this part of herself when it came to dating.

After Terri?s essay, we peek into another story: the romance of Dave and Janelle Funchess. When they met, he knew he wanted to date her. For a while it didn?t happen, because she was with someone else. He was patient and persistent, until she said yes.

Today?s stories:

What are the boundaries of an open marriage? What happens to them when your wife?s boyfriend has an accident that puts him in a coma? And what do you tell the kids?

Today, we?re revisiting Wayne Scott?s story about his open marriage ? and a motorcycle accident that tested its boundaries. Then, we hear from Wayne and his wife, Elizabeth Thielman, about the dynamics of their ?creative arrangement? and how their relationship has evolved in the years since.

Rex and Katharine met on a trip in South Dakota. She wanted a baby; he did not. Could he be a sperm donor? No problem. The agreement was simple. They would both get what they wanted: Katharine would raise her baby in California, and Rex would continue his life as a builder and tinker in Michigan.

Then, they fell in love.

After hearing Katharine?s story, Anna Martin, our host, talks with Rex about changing his mind, unlearning generational lessons and raising a son who is comfortable asking his dad questions.

Today?s story:

Ari Diaconis knew a bright future lay ahead of him. He was a gifted athlete with a well-paying job at a Wall Street law firm, and a partner, Dunia, with whom he shared a deep connection. But a neurological illness shifted his vision for the path ahead and shined a spotlight on the present ? snuggles in bed and time spent in their apartment ? a life raft from the city downstairs.

In 2018, Ari died. After we hear his story, we chat with Ari?s younger sister, Alix, about their 3,000-mile bike trip across the country and on learning to protect someone who once protected us.

Today?s Story:

Amy Pittman was thrilled about her first pregnancy. She immediately downloaded a pregnancy app, and she was charmed when it showed her baby had grown from the size of a lavender bud to the size of a chocolate chip. When she miscarried, she deleted the app and the chocolate chip avatar, but the internet never caught on. Seven months later, Amy received a sample of baby formula. Although she had deleted the pregnancy app, the baby formula company didn?t know ? and thought she was a new mom. She laughed ? what else could she do ? and loved the idea that her chocolate chip was out there, trolling the internet.

After her miscarriage, Amy had a son, Simon. We check in with Amy about life with a preschooler, the lasting impact of grief and the strangeness of an internet that won?t let you let go.

Her whole life, Putsata Reang (Put, for short) was accustomed to exceeding her parents expectations. She excelled in her career, paid for her parents to go on trips together and maintained a tight connection to her siblings and community.

Yet a fundamental part of Put ? her identity as bisexual ? was enough to crack the foundations of their relationship. When Put?s mother did not attend her wedding to the woman of her dreams, she feared she would never close the distance between them.

Today, Put shares an update on her relationship with her Ma ? and reveals what?s given her the strength to hold on all these years. Putsata tells a longer version of this story in her memoir, ?Ma and Me.?