94 avsnitt • Längd: 80 min • Månadsvis
A podcast series discussing the everyday struggles of Muslims with same-sex attractions (SSA) who want to live a life true to Allah and Islam. I am Waheed Jensen, and I have SSA. In today’s world, it seems the overwhelming narrative out there is “love is love” and “embrace your sexual identity”. There are many of us who find that to be incompatible with the life we want to live, which is a God-conscious life in line with the teachings of Islam. This podcast series is a safe space for Muslims who struggle with SSA, as well as parents, family members, friends, imams, chaplains, community leaders, and the community at large.
The podcast A Way Beyond the Rainbow is created by Waheed Jensen. The podcast and the artwork on this page are embedded on this page using the public podcast feed (RSS).
In the podcast finale, we take a look at the entire journey across all five seasons and reflect on key take-home messages and memorable words from my guests and co-hosts. We wrap up with acknowledgments, a dedication, and final words and prayers.
Link to A Way Beyond the Rainbow book
Background music used in the episode:
(0:39-4:14) Now We Are Free (theme from Gladiator), 2CELLOS
(4:14-7:39) River Flows in You, Yiruma
(7:39-13:51) Adagio in G Minor (Albinoni), HAUSER with the Zagreb Philharmonic Orchestra
(13:51-17:21) The Lonely Shepherd (Georghe Zamfir and James Last), HAUSER with the London Symphony Orchestra
(17:22-23:04) My Heart Will Go On (theme from Titanic by James Horner), 2CELLOS
(23:05-31:00) A Way of Life (theme from The Last Samurai), Hans Zimmer
(31:01-33:53) Once Upon a Time in the West (Ennio Morricone), HAUSER
(33:54-37:31) Tennessee (theme from Pearl Harbor), Hans Zimmer
(37:32-39:28) La Valse d'Amélie (Version orchestre), Yann Tiersen
(39:28-44:26) Never Too Late, Yanni
(44:27-48:56) Playing by Heart, Yanni
(48:57-51:45) House of Cards, Audiomachine
(51:54-57:45) Guardians at the Gate, Audiomachine (extended)
(57:46-1:01:12) Song of the Caged Bird, Lindsey Stirling
(1:01:13-1:07:29) Farewell - In His Purest Form, Yanni
(1:07:30-1:10:23) Breath and Life, Audiomachine (extended)
(1:10:24-1:13:07) Above and Beyond, Audiomachine
(1:13:08-1:17:07) In the Mirror, Yanni
(1:17:08-1:20:04) Almost a Whisper (Seléna's Theme), Yanni
(1:20:45-1:25:20) Chopin's Nocturne in C Sharp Minor (Frédéric Chopin), HAUSER with the London Symphony Orchestra
(1:25:25-1:28:41) Mia and Sebastian's Theme (theme from La La Land by Justin Hurwitz), HAUSER with the Zagreb Philharmonic Orchestra
(1:28:43-1:31:31) Valerie (theme from V for Vendetta), Dario Marianelli
A blooper reel featuring many of the out-takes with my co-hosts, Amina and Aadam, that didn't make it to the final cut.
This episode is a discussion with Imam Dawud Walid on the current challenges facing imams, chaplains and community leaders given the current global pro-LGBT socio-political climate, and how we, as Muslim communities, can help our imams and community leaders navigate these challenges so they can, in turn, effectively help their communities.
What are some of the struggles that imams and community leaders face in their mosques and communities as far as issues related to same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria? Why are imams scattered when it comes to these matters and not unified in their stance? What is the "jurisdiction" of imams and community leaders in that regard, and what is out of their league? How can we support our imams, chaplains and community leaders as we pave our way together amidst all of these challenges? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
Imam Dawud Walid's books:
- Towards Sacred Activism
- Blackness and Islam
- Centering Black Narrative: Black Muslim Nobles Among the Early Pious Muslims
- Centering Black Narrative: Ahl al-Bayt, Blackness & Africa
This episode is a discussion with Br. Yahya Van Rooy on the current challenges facing teachers, educators and school administrators given the LGBT paradigm, and how Muslims parents and teachers can navigate them together.
How can we provide the Muslim youth with firm footing so as not to be swayed by modern media and pop culture? How can we help students navigate challenges with regards to the LGBT narrative within their own schools? How can we support teachers and parents navigate those challenges? How do we, as fellow students, teachers and staff members, deal with students "coming out" in our schools? What resources are available for Muslim teachers and educators? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
Resources mentioned in the episode:
- ISLA course outline "Addressing LGBTQ issues in our schools and communities" (with resource links)
- Working Towards Principles on Islamic Sexual Ethics (slideshow)
- Religious Schools and Colleges Guidance for Same Sex Issues, Sample and Model Policies from the Christian Legal Society
This is part II of a two-episode series with Dr. Ty Mansfield and his wife Danielle where we talk about their personal experience with their mixed-orientation marriage.
In this episode, we dive deep into spiritual themes, as well as how we can support men and women experiencing SSA or GD in our communities. How important is recognizing one's Divine purpose in our individual and collective journeys? What can Muslims learn from the Mormon experience in providing appropriate safe spaces and support systems for men and women experiencing SSA or GD? What are ongoing projects that we can help support and learn from? These and other relevant questions are explored in this episode.
References mentioned in the episode:
- North Star International
- Voices of Hope project
- Voices of Hope: Latter-Day Saint Perspectives on Same Gender Attraction- An Anthology of Gospel Teachings and Personal Essays
- In Quiet Desperation: Understanding The Challenge Of Same-gender Attraction
- Voices of Hope podcast
This is part I of a two-episode series with Dr. Ty Mansfield and his wife Danielle where we talk about their personal experience with their mixed-orientation marriage.
In this episode, we explore Ty and Danielle's personal journeys, how far Ty has come with his own journey of healing and growth, as well as Danielle’s perspective as a wife of a man who experiences SSA. We talk about spirituality and God's love, vulnerability, intimacy and growth. What are the challenges of going into a mixed-orientation marriage, and how can we navigate that? How can we cultivate more intimacy in this marriage context? How do we deal with other people's assumptions and judgments? These and other relevant questions are explored in this episode.
This episode is dedicated to current and potential spouses of individuals experiencing gender nonconformity, same-sex attractions and/or gender dysphoria.
In this episode, I read out survey responses sent by members of the online Straight Struggle community addressing current and potential spouses, and we discuss pertinent themes for spouses and answer frequently-asked questions. Why didn't he/she inform me before marriage and wait until now? Will he/she ever change? How do I deal with other people's opinions and judgments, particularly those coming from family? How do I deal with my insecurity and jealousy from my husband seeing other men or being with them, even though I know that there’s nothing sexual or intimate going on? I discovered my spouse has a porn and masturbation addiction, or he’s sexually acting out and has a sex addiction, what should I do? These and other relevant questions are explored in this episode.
References used and resources mentioned in this episode:
- Gay Children, Straight Parents: A Plan for Family Healing by Richard Cohen
International support systems for family members (including spouses):
- Straight Struggle support group (online, Muslim-based, international)
- Strong Support's "Spouses Support Circle" (Muslim-based, UK and international)
- Positive Approaches To Healthy Sexuality (PATHS)
- Brothers Road (US and international), including resources for wives, "A Woman Who Loves" (retreat), "A Woman's Heart" (coaching), relevant Facebook groups, and webinar
- North Star Alliance (Mormon-based, international), including Voices of Hope and Journeys of Faith
Relevant articles:
- ‘What I Wish My Wife Understood About My Same-Sex Attraction’: What Men Say
- ‘What I Wish My Husband Understood About How His Same-Sex Attraction Affects Me’: What Women Say
For porn and sexual compulsive behaviors:
- Counseling services: Sexual Recovery Institute, Purify Your Gaze (Muslim organization), Life Star Network, Bethesda Workshops
- Information for Spouses and Partners of Sex Addicts
- Other helpful resources: Sexaholics Anonymous (SA), NoFap (main website, Reddit “NoFap” forum, Reddit "Muslim NoFap" forum)
- Coffee With Karim podcast episode 59: "My Spouse has a Pornography Addiction" with guest speaker Zeyad Ramadan
This is part IV of a 4-episode series dedicated to parents and family members of individuals experiencing gender nonconformity, same-sex attractions (SSA) and/or gender dysphoria (GD).
In this episode, Aadam and I wrap up the discussion on healing with the topic of community healing, and then we answer frequently-asked questions from parents and family members of individuals experiencing SSA or GD. How important are therapists and mentors in the healing journey, and what are their responsibilities? Will my child ever "change"? If my child or sibling invites me to read their pro-LGBT material or attend their meetings, should I do that? How can I help my child overcome his/her porn habits and unwanted sexual behaviors? My son or daughter is having a gay wedding, should I attend? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
References used in this episode:
- Gay Children, Straight Parents: A Plan for Family Healing by Richard Cohen
- A Parent's Guide To Preventing Homosexuality by Joseph Nicolosi and Linda Ames Nicolosi
This is part III of a 4-episode series dedicated to parents and family members of individuals experiencing gender nonconformity, same-sex attractions (SSA) and/or gender dysphoria (GD).
In this episode, Aadam and I discuss practical tips and advice for parents and families of individuals experiencing SSA and GD, and we tackle proper communication skills and conflict resolution techniques. To what extent are time, touch and talk important in the lives of children, adolescents and young adults, and how can I offer that? How and why should the same-sex parent become more invested and the opposite-sex parent take two steps back? If my son is rejecting me, how can I, as a father, rebuild my relationship with him? Why are hands-on activities, sports and physical roughhousing necessary in the lives of boys and men, and how can we invite them to participate in these activities? How do we know if what we're doing is right and the level of intervention is appropriate? If I am a single mom or a single dad, how can I best guarantee the proper gender development of my opposite-sex child? How can I improve my communication skills with my child, resolve conflicts with them and learn more about their love language? These and other relevant questions are explored in this episode.
References used in this episode:
- Gay Children, Straight Parents: A Plan for Family Healing by Richard Cohen
- A Parent's Guide To Preventing Homosexuality by Joseph Nicolosi and Linda Ames Nicolosi
Other references mentioned in the episode:
- Scene from the movie, Good Will Hunting
- The Five Love Languages book by Dr. Gary Chapman
- The Five Love Languages Quiz
- "Knowing Your Child's Love Language" - summary document
This is part II of a 4-episode series dedicated to parents and family members of individuals experiencing gender nonconformity, same-sex attractions (SSA) and/or gender dysphoria (GD).
In this episode, Aadam and I discuss the notions of gender confusion in childhood and highlight important considerations for parents dealing with young boys and girls as well as adolescents experiencing gender nonconformity, SSA and/or GD. What are signs that my child or family member is experiencing gender identity confusion? What are some possible causes for this? When should I be worried? How can I replace cross-gender toys and clothes to which my child is attached with more gender-affirming toys and clothes without hurting his/her feelings? These and other relevant questions are explored in this episode.
References used in this episode:
- Gay Children, Straight Parents: A Plan for Family Healing by Richard Cohen
- A Parent's Guide To Preventing Homosexuality by Joseph Nicolosi and Linda Ames Nicolosi
This is part I of a 4-episode series dedicated to parents and family members of individuals experiencing gender nonconformity, same-sex attractions (SSA) and/or gender dysphoria (GD).
In this episode, Aadam and I read out survey responses sent by members of the online Straight Struggle community addressing parents and siblings, and we cover pertinent themes related to personal healing for parents and family members. What do men and women experiencing SSA or GD hope to get from their parents and family members? How can I, as a parent, sibling or family member of an individual with SSA or GD, navigate the "shock factor"? How can I step into their world and see things from their eyes? What does "unconditional love" mean, and can I still love them unconditionally while disagreeing with their behaviors and lifestyle choices? Why is doing my own work necessary before I help my child, sibling or family member who experiences SSA or GD? These and other relevant questions are explored in this episode.
References used in this episode:
- Gay Children, Straight Parents: A Plan for Family Healing by Richard Cohen
- A Parent's Guide To Preventing Homosexuality by Joseph Nicolosi and Linda Ames Nicolosi
International support systems for parents and family members:
- Straight Struggle support group (online, Muslim-based, international)
- Strong Support's "Parent's Support Circle" (Muslim-based, UK and international)
- Positive Approaches To Healthy Sexuality (PATHS)
- Brothers Road (US and international)
- North Star Alliance (Mormon-based, international), including Voices of Hope and Journeys of Faith
- Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays & Gays (PFOX)
- Focus on the Family, Jeff Johnston (Christian-based)
- Courage International (Christian-based)
Healing seminars and family healing sessions:
- Positive Approaches To Healthy Sexuality (PATHS)
- Mankind Project (MKP)
- Adventure into Manhood (AIM)
- Brothers Road (US and international)
- Woman Within
- COR Experience: Noble Man and Women's Immersion Weekend
- Celebration of Being - for men and for women
This is part II of a 2-episode series with Sh. Mustafa Umar addressing Shar'i perspectives related to gender nonconformity, gender dysphoria and transgenderism.
Is gender transitioning unconditionally prohibited in Islam or are there particular exceptions? How do we, as families and communities, deal with individuals undergoing gender transitioning? How do we deal with individuals who identify as gender non-binary or gender-fluid, particularly if they are Muslim? How do we deal with situations where we have to "declare our preferred pronouns"? These and other relevant questions are explored in this episode.
This is part I of a 2-episode series with Sh. Mustafa Umar addressing Shar'i perspectives related to gender nonconformity, gender dysphoria and transgenderism.
Are the gender roles defined by Islam rigid or flexible compared to modern Western notions of gender roles? If gender roles are, to a degree, socially determined, what are the permissible limits of not conforming to such gender roles? Where do individuals who identify as gender-fluid or gender non-binary fit in the Islamic paradigm? For individuals who imitate the opposite gender, what does imitation involve and what would be considered blameworthy? These and other relevant questions are explored in this episode.
In this episode, Br. Mobeen Vaid and I discuss the Islamic perspectives on gender-reassignment surgeries as well as the ripple effects of the modern day transgender movement.
What are the major Islamic fatawa regarding sex-reassignment surgeries within Sunni and Shi'a Islam? On what grounds were such fatwas issued to begin with? Do communities like the Hijras in Pakistan and Bangladesh as well as the Warias in Indonesia represent legitimate "third gender" communities? What are the ripple effects of the modern trans movement on family units, schools and academia, Muslim scholarship, as well as our mosques and places of worship? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
References used and resources mentioned in this episode:
- “And the Male Is Not like the Female”: Sunni Islam and Gender Nonconformity (Part 2) by Mobeen Vaid and Waheed Jensen
- When Harry Became Sally: Responding to the Transgender Moment by Ryan Anderson
- Irreversible Damage: The Transgender Craze Seducing Our Daughters by Abigail Shrier
- The Man Who Would Be Queen: The Science of Gender-Bending and Transsexualism by Michael Bailey
- 4thWaveNow website
In this episode, we dive deep into the topics of gender dysphoria and transgenderism from scientific and medical perspectives, by exploring the most recent research and developments on the topic.
Are there biological factors that contribute to transgenderism? Is gender dysphoria one entity or are there different kinds of it? What is the genesis of gender dysphoria and how is it treated nowadays? Is the “affirmative model” healthy and appropriate for individuals struggling with gender dysphoria? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
References used in this episode:
- “And the Male Is Not like the Female”: Sunni Islam and Gender Nonconformity (Part 2) by Mobeen Vaid and Waheed Jensen (references for medical articles included therein)
- Time to Hit Pause on 'Pausing' Puberty in Gender-Dysphoric Youth
- Transgender Docs Warn About Gender-Affirmative Care for Youth
- Sex Change Regret
Support groups and relevant resources:
- International: Genspect, Partners for Ethical Care, Parents of ROGD Kids, Our Duty, Gender Identity Challenge Scandinavia (GENID)
- USA: 4thWaveNow, Child and Parental Rights Campaign
- UK: Bayswater Support Group, Transgender Trend, Safe School Alliance UK, Fair Play for Women
- Canada: Canadian Gender Report, Detrans Canada
Detrans support groups: Reddit detrans server, Post Trans, Detrans Voices, Lost in Transition, Pique Resilience Project
In this episode, we continue our discussion of gender nonconformity with Br. Mobeen Vaid, and we discuss the notions of gender atypical individuals from an Islamic perspective, as well as the concepts of intersex/disorders of sexual development from a medical perspective.
What are the differences between al-khunthā al-mushkil (ambiguous khunthā), al-mukhannath al-khilqī (congenital mukhannath) and al-mukhannath ghayr al-khilqī (affected or non-congenital mukhannath)? Does khunthā represent a third gender? To what extent does Islam accommodate gender atypical individuals and guarantee their legal rights under Shari'a? Who is the verse in the Qur'an about "men who possess no sexual desire for women" referring to exactly? Biologically and medically speaking, how do intersex syndromes arise and how can they be treated? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
References used in this episode:
- “And the Male Is Not like the Female”: Sunni Islam and Gender Nonconformity (Part 1) by Mobeen Vaid
- “And the Male Is Not like the Female”: Sunni Islam and Gender Nonconformity (Part 2) by Mobeen Vaid and Waheed Jensen
Extra resources:
- Intersex Society of North America - official website
- Support and advocacy groups for intersex individuals - here and here
With this episode, we begin a series of episodes addressing the topics of gender, gender nonconformity, gender dysphoria and transgenderism.
In this episode, Br. Mobeen Vaid joins me in a discussion on gender and gender nonconformity in the modern world and from an Islamic legal perspective. Why are we witnessing an explosion of gender and sexual identities nowadays, and where is this expansion heading? Does Islam have a constructionist or essentialist view when it comes to one's gender? Does Islamic Shari'a allow flexibility in terms of our gender expression, or are we limited to strict and predefined “gender roles”? Does Islam allow for leeway in non-typical interests and pursuits for men and women? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
References mentioned in the episode:
- “And the Male Is Not like the Female”: Sunni Islam and Gender Nonconformity (Part 2)
Relevant writings by Br. Mobeen:
- On Openness
- Men, Women, and the Perils of Constructionism
- On Gender Wars, #Metoo, and Building a Program of Virtue and Dignity
- Appraising Motherhood
- On Muslim Masculinity
- Why Marriage Requires Meaning
This is part II of a 2-episode series with Sh. Mustafa Umar addressing contemporary issues and Shar'i perspectives related to same-sex attractions and gender identity issues.
Is Islam a "homophobic" or "transphobic" religion? Where do we, as Muslim communities, stand on "LGBT rights" and same-sex marriage? Is it permissible for me to attend a same-sex marriage? How do we deal with "progressive" or "reformist" Muslims pushing pro-LGBT agendas on our communities? How do we deal with Muslim reverts who identify as part of the LGBT community? How do we deal with particular workplace rules and regulations that are pro-LGBT and may be in direct contradiction with our Islamic values? These and other relevant questions are explored in this episode.
This is part I of a 2-episode series with Sh. Mustafa Umar addressing contemporary issues and Shar'i perspectives related to same-sex attractions and gender identity issues.
How can parents, family members and friends support and embrace individuals with same-sex attractions and/or gender dysphoria without compromising their values and Deen? How do we deal with men or women in our families/circle of friends who have "come out" as part of the LGBT community and are living the lifestyle? From an Islamic legal perspective, what are the punishments of same-sex sexual behaviors and some of the common misconceptions surrounding that? Do same-sex sexual acts, the declaration of such acts as halal, or being in a same-sex marriage put one out of the fold of Islam? These and other relevant questions are explored in this episode.
Talks given by Sh. Mustafa Umar:
- Islam and Homosexuality: Drawing the Lines
- What Does Islam Really Say About Homosexuality?
- Teaching Transgender Ideology In California Schools: What Muslims Need to Know
This is part II of a 2-episode series with Br. Mobeen Vaid addressing revisionist arguments pertaining to homosexuality within Islam.
In this episode, Mobeen and I discuss the punishments of sodomy according to Islamic Shari'a, to what extent Islam can be considered a "sex positive" religion, as well as the notions of marriage and celibacy for men and women who experience same-sex attractions. Under what conditions is sodomy punished by Islamic law, and why is there no consensus on this matter? Since a lot of homoerotic prose and poetry were written during the Islamic Golden Age, and we also know of famous Islamic scholars from the past, like Ibn Dāwūd al-Ẓāhirī, Ibn ʿArabī, and Ibn Ḥazm who had homoerotic feelings, wouldn't all of this constitute an acknowledgment and acceptance of homosexuality? Is it fair or just that Islam denies men and women who experience same-sex attractions their rights to sexual fulfillment? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
Resources used and references mentioned in the episode:
- "Can Islam Accommodate Homosexual Acts? Quranic Revisionism and the Case of Scott Kugle" by Mobeen Vaid
This is part I of a 2-episode series with Br. Mobeen Vaid addressing revisionist arguments pertaining to homosexuality within Islam.
In this episode, Mobeen and I discuss the sociocultural backdrop of this kind of revisionism, particularly within Islam, and we address relevant arguments related to terminology as well as the story of the people of Prophet Lut (PBUH). What are the broader assumptions taken for granted by revisionist narratives? Does the Qur'an explicitly and unequivocally prohibit same-sex sexual acts? What were the people of Lut (PBUH) condemned and punished for according to textual proof? Do the themes of "rape" and "consent" have any room in the interpretation of the relevant verses? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
Resources used and references mentioned in the episode:
- "Can Islam Accommodate Homosexual Acts? Quranic Revisionism and the Case of Scott Kugle" by Mobeen Vaid
In this episode, we tackle the notions of toxic masculinity and discuss the waves of opposing feminist movements with their ripple effects on the global community. We also highlight the importance of the Prophetic example in paving the way for God-conscious, healthy masculinity.
What are the "Man Rules" and "Woman Rules" that we take for granted, and how do they contribute to toxic masculinity in our cultures? Are gender differences socially constructed? What does Islam say about the similarities and differences between the male and the female? How can we reclaim our masculinity in light of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH)'s Sunnah and Divine Revelation? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
References used and resources mentioned in the episode:
- A Man's Way through Relationships: Learning to Love and Be Loved by Dan Griffin
- A Man's Way through the Twelve Steps by Dan Griffin
- Dan Griffin's podcast, "The Man Rules Podcast"
- Helping Men Recover: A Man's Workbook, Special Edition for the Criminal Justice System by Stephanie S. Covington, Dan Griffin and Rick Dauer
- Boys will be Boys - Gender identity issues by Sh. Abdal-Hakim Murad
- Fall of the Family by Sh. Abdal-Hakim Murad
- Islam, Irigaray, and the Retrieval of Gender by Sh. Abdal-Hakim Murad
- "Gender, Sexuality, Morality and Identity" webinar by Dr. Sharif El-Tobgui
- Addressing the Specific Behavioral Health Needs of Men by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA)
- Feminist movements and waves of feminism explained here and here
- “Be a Man!” Constructing Prophetic Masculinity by Yaqeen Institute
- Talks with Gabriel Al-Romaani: The Prophet of Masculinity and How to be a Real Man
This is part II of a 2-episode series that addresses the history and politics of the gay liberation movement, the influence of the LGBT movement on countless aspects of everyday life and how far things have progressed in a few decades.
How has the LGBT movement influenced media outlets, religious discourse, school curricula and global corporations over the past few decades? Why and how did the American Psychological Association (APA) remove homosexuality from its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM)? How did we get to a point where any therapy other than gay- or trans-affirmative therapy is outlawed? How does the trajectory look like moving forward, and what can we do as Muslims and members of faith communities around the world to stay true to our faiths and value systems? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
Resources used and references mentioned in the episode:
- A Queer Thing Happened to America: And What a Long, Strange Trip It's Been by Michael Brown
- "Can Islam Accommodate Homosexual Acts? Quranic Revisionism and the Case of Scott Kugle" by Mobeen Vaid
- Strong Support webinars: Therapeutic Choice with Mike Davidson; Trends in Therapy for Unwanted Same Sex Lust and Q&A with Andrew Rodriguez; Them Before Us with Katy Faust
- Them Before Us: Why We Need a Global Children's Rights Movement by Katy Faust
Additional relevant resources:
- "Where The Rainbow Ends: American Muslims And LGBT Activism" by Mobeen Vaid
- Same-Sex Marriage: Not Best for Children - statements, Amicus briefs, research, press releases and commentaries
- Homosexual Parenting: A Scientific Analysis by the American College of Pediatricians
- No Basis: What the Studies Don’t Tell Us About Same-Sex Parenting by Robert Lerner and Althea K. Nagai
With this episode, we commence the fifth and final season of the podcast which focuses on sociopolitical and religious topics, themes related to gender and transgenderism, as well as broader topics of relevance to the larger community.
The season premieres with a 2-episode series that addresses the history and politics of the gay liberation movement, the influence of the LGBT movement on countless aspects of everyday life and how far things have progressed in a few decades.
How did the gay liberation movement start and progress over the past few decades? In what ways was the book After the Ball foundational in laying out the vision and plans for society's desensitization towards the LGBT community, as well as the acceptance and even celebration of queerness and homosexuality, as part of a fight towards civil rights and integration into mainstream politics? In what ways have the Orwellian themes of Newspeak, thought crimes and thought police become a tangible reality in today's world? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
Resources used in the episode:
- After the Ball: How America Will Conquer Its Fear and Hatred of Gays in the '90s by Marshall Kirk and Hunter Madsen
- A Queer Thing Happened to America: And What a Long, Strange Trip It's Been by Michael Brown
This is part II of a 2-episode series on the topic of self-esteem and becoming more confident in our lives.
In this season finale, Aadam and I discuss imposter syndrome, how to deal with fear of rejection and criticism, as well as practical tips to boosting one's confidence. What are the different kinds of imposter syndrome and how can we overcome them? What's the difference between feedback and criticism, and how can I deal with the latter? How can I stop taking things personally in my life? How can I build my sense of self-confidence on a daily basis? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
References used and resources mentioned in this episode:
- Imposter Syndrome Test (Clance IP Scale)
- "The Surprising Solution to the Imposter Syndrome " TED talk by Lou Solomon
- "7 Psychology Tricks to Build Unstoppable Confidence" video by TopThink
- "How To Improve Self Esteem" video by Marisa Peer
- "How not to take things personally?" TED talk by Frederik Imbo
- "How to Deal with Criticism" - A Monk's Perspective
- "How to Build Self Confidence" TED talk by CeCe Olisa
This is part I of a 2-episode series on the topic of self-esteem and becoming more confident in our lives.
In this episode, Aadam and I introduce self-esteem and self-confidence, touch upon some relevant spiritual themes and dive into the six pillars of self-esteem. How does living consciously contribute to my self-esteem? How can I practice more self-acceptance on a daily basis and take responsibility for my life? How can I become more assertive and stand up for my rights and ideas? How does maintaining integrity in my life contribute to my self-confidence? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
References used and resources mentioned in this episode:
- The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden
- "What Is Spiritually Centered Confidence?" article on ProductiveMuslim
- "The Prophetic Model of Confidence Webinar" by The Productive Muslim Company
- "The Prophetic Model of Courage & Its Practical Application Today" article on ProductiveMuslim
This is part II of a 2-episode series on the topic of self-discipline and building healthy habits.
In this episode, Aadam and I discuss building atomic habits, overcoming procrastination and failure, and developing morning routines. How can I build healthy habits consistently and overcome some of my bad habits? How can I deal with distractions in my life and overcome procrastination? Why is a morning routine important and what does it constitute? How can I develop a contingency plan in case I fail? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
References used and resources mentioned in the episode:
- Atomic Habits by James Clear
- The School of Greatness: A Real-World Guide to Living Bigger, Loving Deeper, and Leaving a Legacy by Lewis Howes
- Mindful Self-Discipline by Giovanni Dienstmann
- "A Better Way to Track Your Habits" video by Thomas Frank (including the Journal Method)
- Habit-tracking apps: Habitica, Habit Bull and Strides
- Fabulous app - build better habits and achieve your goals
- The concept of dopamine detox: example videos here, here and here.
- Lewis Howes' "School of Greatness" podcast episodes: on overcoming procrastination + on creating the perfect morning routine
- Explanation of the Pomodoro technique
- Make Your Bed: Little Things That Can Change Your Life...and Maybe the World by Admiral William H. McRaven (also see his viral talk here)
- "The Two-Day Rule" by Matt D'Avella
Extra books on time management and overcoming procrastination:
- The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey
- Eat That Frog! 21 Great Ways to Stop Procrastinating and Get More Done in Less Time by Brian Tracy
- The 4-Hour Workweek: Escape 9-5, Live Anywhere, and Join the New Rich by Tim Ferriss
- Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity by David Allen
Mindful time management resources (Giovanni Dienstmann): time planning, boundaries,
This is part I of a 2-episode series on the topic of self-discipline and building healthy habits.
In this episode, Aadam and I outline the differences between self-discipline, motivation, willpower and self-control, highlight the benefits of self-discipline, and discuss practical methods to cultivating that in our daily lives. How can I prevent my "monkey mind" from taking over when I try to work or study? How can I develop practical goals, aspirations and strategies in my life? How can I start building more structure, focus and discipline in my life, and how can I develop more willpower to do the things I have to do even when I don't feel like doing them? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
References used and resources mentioned in the episode:
- "5 Timeless Strategies for Building Self-Discipline" by Sam Thomas Davies
- Dandapani's tips to developing willpower, video on Youtube
- "Jordan Peterson’s Method for Self Discipline" video by TopThink
- Think Like a Monk: Train Your Mind for Peace and Purpose Every Day by Jay Shetty
- "Master Self-Discipline" video by Jay Shetty
- The School of Greatness: A Real-World Guide to Living Bigger, Loving Deeper, and Leaving a Legacy by Lewis Howes
- Mindful Self-Discipline by Giovanni Dienstmann
- "Marcus Aurelius – How To Build Self Discipline (Stoicism)" video by Philosophies for Life
- Meditations by Marcus Aurelius
- Take the Stairs: 7 Steps to Achieving True Success by Rory Vaden
- Don't Sweat the Small Stuff . . . and It's All Small Stuff: Simple Ways to Keep the Little Things from Taking Over Your Life by Richard Carlson
Developing practical plans of action (resources from Giovanni Dienstmann, in order):
- Start with Purpose, Difference between Goals and Aspirations, and Specify Your Aspiration with SMART Goals (also: Want-to Goals vs. Have-to Goals)
- Find your: Core Values, Deeper Why and Role Models
- Design Your Aspirational Identity, Magnify Your Aspiration and cultivate The Triple Commitment
*TRIGGER WARNING: Episode discusses themes of sexual abuse, assault and rape*
This is part II of a 2-episode series on the topic of sexual abuse, assault and rape.
In this episode, we discuss the process of defining and processing sexual abuse experiences and outline stages of healing, practical work and different coping strategies. We also cover the topic of rape, as well as the intricacies involved with disclosing sexual abuse experiences to loved ones. We also offer tips to parents, spouses, family members and friends of individuals who experienced sexual abuse or rape.
What are some barriers that prevent sexual abuse survivors from healing and recovering? What are the different stages of recovery, and what are practical recommendations to help me heal? Should I disclose my sexual abuse trauma to my spouse, family or friends, and how can I do that? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
References used and resources mentioned in the episode:
- Dr. Jim Hopper’s website
- Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse, by Mic Hunter
- Trauma and Recovery, by Judith Herman
- The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, by Laura Davis (book and workbook)
- Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing, by Jay Stringer
- Sexual Assault Resource Guide from HealthLine
- Recommended books and films from the "1in6" website
Male-oriented websites, support groups and resources: "1in6" website, Male Survivor website, Mankind Initiative (UK), Dr. Richard Gartner’s website, Living Well website, British Columbia Society for Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse
For males and females:
- Sexual Assault Demonstration Initiative: Online support groups and general resources for survivors of sexual violence
- S.H.E UK
- Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN)
- The Survivors Trust (UK)
- International support: Handbook of International Centers for Survivors of Sexual Assault and Harassment
- National Domestic Violence Hotline (USA)
For parents and families: Stop It Now organization, books and films for parents
*TRIGGER WARNING: Episode discusses themes of sexual abuse, assault and rape*
This is part I of a 2-episode series on the topic of sexual abuse, assault and rape.
In this episode, we tackle some relevant definitions and statistics, discuss some reasons why survivors do not disclose their sexual abuse experiences, and highlight some of the psychological and emotional repercussions of sexual abuse. We also cover some facts and myths with regards to unwanted sexual experiences, particularly those relating to male sexual abuse.
Why do many survivors of sexual abuse experiences keep such incidents to themselves and prefer secrecy? Why is there more shame surrounding male sexual abuse than female sexual abuse? Do childhood sexual abuse experiences contribute to the development of same-sex attractions? Is there a chance for survivors of sexual abuse to become perpetrators themselves? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
References used and resources mentioned in this episode:
- Guidelines from the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry on communicating with survivors of childhood sexual abuse
- Jim Hopper: Sexual Assault and the Brain
- Booklet “Understanding Children’s Sexual Behaviors: What’s Natural and Healthy” by Dr. Toni Cavanagh Johnson
- "Do Children Sexually Abuse Other Children?” online guidebook by "Stop It Now"
- "Why Do People Sexually Use or Abuse Children?" article from 1in6 website
- "Am I Going to Become Abusive?" article from 1in6 website
This is the fourth and last part of our 4-episode comprehensive series on understanding and overcoming porn and sex addictions. In this episode, we examine together relevant spiritual themes on the journey of sexual recovery, including patience, perseverance, surrender, repentance and going back to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. We also discuss many lessons from the story of Prophet Yunus (PBUH) in relation to sexual recovery.
What are some gems that we can learn from Prophet Yunus (PBUH)'s story that are relevant to our journey of recovery from addictions and unwanted behaviors? How can my temptations, habits and sins turn into prayers and a path to the Divine? How can the themes of patience, surrender, admitting one's powerlessness and tawbah form the foundation of my recovery and healing journey? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
References used and resources mentioned in this episode:
- Coffee With Karim podcast episode 9: "Sex, Porn & Paradise" with guest speaker Zeyad Ramadan
- Secrets of Divine Love: A Spiritual Journey into the Heart of Islam by A. Helwa
This is part III of a 4-episode comprehensive series on understanding and overcoming porn and sex addictions. In this episode, we examine together the withdrawal period, potential pitfalls and mind games on the journey of healing and recovery, as well as practical tips and tools that we can use on our journey. We also talk about helpful apps, websites and support systems, how to deal with periods of difficulty, and how to disclose to people close to you, should you choose to do so.
What would I expect to happen when I choose to quit my compulsive sexual behaviors? How do I handle the withdrawal period? What are some games that my mind can play on me during this period? What are some screen control apps, website blockers, online counseling venues and other helpful resources and support groups that can help me maintain my recovery and offer me support on my journey? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
References used and resources mentioned in this episode:
- Breaking the Cycle: Free Yourself from Sex Addiction, Porn Obsession, and Shame by George Collins
- The Porn Pandemic: A Simple Guide To Understanding And Ending Pornography Addiction For Men by Andrew Ferebee
- The Easy Peasy Way to Quit Porn
- TED talk “How to Make Stress Your Friend” by Kelly McGonigal
Parental (and personal) screen control/monitoring apps: Bark, Boomerang, Clean Browsing, Net Nanny, Qustodio Parental Control, OurPact
Website blockers: Cold Turkey, Covenant Eyes, Stay Focused (Google Chrome extension, app on Google Store)
Helpful apps on the journey of sexual recovery: Fortify, Brain Buddy, Quit Masturbation Calendar, rTribe, 12-step apps
Online counseling for overcoming porn and sexual compulsive behaviors: Sexual Recovery Institute, Purify Your Gaze (Muslim organization)
Other helpful resources: Sexaholics Anonymous (SA), NoFap (main website, Reddit “NoFap” forum, Reddit "Muslim NoFap" forum), Reddit “Porn Free” forum, Reboot Nation, Muslim PMO Central Discord server
A 17-minute meditation that involves mindfulness, breathing and connecting with Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala using some of His Divine Names, reorienting our being as we call unto Him and ask for His help.
Background music from Benjamin Tissot (Bensound).
A 10-minute meditation focused on grounding and breathing to practice mindfulness and demystify triggers.
Background music from Benjamin Tissot (Bensound).
A 13-minute meditation focused on breathing and a full body scan to practice mindfulness and demystify triggers.
Background music from Benjamin Tissot (Bensound).
This is part II of a 4-episode comprehensive series on understanding and overcoming porn and sex addictions. In this episode, we discuss many practical techniques to help us demystify sexual triggers and overcome the urges of sexual "acting out".
How can I communicate with my "inner addict" and deconstruct my urges? How do mindfulness and conscious awareness exercises help me overcome my sexual triggers? What are some practical tools that can be used when I experience intense urges to watch porn or act out sexually? How can all of this be transformed into acts of worship? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
References used and resources mentioned in this episode:
- Breaking the Cycle: Free Yourself from Sex Addiction, Porn Obsession, and Shame by George Collins
- The Porn Pandemic: A Simple Guide To Understanding And Ending Pornography Addiction For Men by Andrew Ferebee
- The Easy Peasy Way to Quit Porn
- "Taking Your History" Questionnaire
- TED talk “A Simple Way to Break a Bad Habit” by Judson Brewer
- Secrets of Divine Love: A Spiritual Journey into the Heart of Islam by A. Helwa
This is part I of a 4-episode comprehensive series on understanding and overcoming porn and sex addictions. In this episode, we discuss what addiction is, from physiological, emotional and personal perspectives. We also look at the damaging effects of porn and the horrifying realities associated with the porn industry.
Do I have a compulsive sexual behavior disorder? How does compulsive porn use, masturbation or sexually acting out affect the physiology of my brain and nervous system and lead to addiction? Other than physiology, what are other important aspects of addiction to take into account so we can understand our behaviors and habits? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
References used and resources mentioned in this episode:
- Breaking the Cycle: Free Yourself from Sex Addiction, Porn Obsession, and Shame by George Collins
- The Porn Pandemic: A Simple Guide To Understanding And Ending Pornography Addiction For Men by Andrew Ferebee
- The Easy Peasy Way to Quit Porn
- Pornified: How Pornography is Damaging Our Lives, Our Relationships and Our Families by Pamela Paul
- Resources from Dr. Patrick Carnes: official website and online assessment tests
- "Your Brain On Porn" official website
- "Fight the New Drug" official website
- TED talk “Why I stopped watching porn” by Ran Gavrieli
- TED talk “Everything you think you know about addiction is wrong” by Johann Hari
In this episode, we explore the topic of masturbation comprehensively, from its legal (fiqh), physiological and psychological angles, taking into consideration particular complexities and nuances relevant to men and women dealing with same-sex attractions. We also discuss practical tips and tools to help us keep masturbation in check in our lives.
Under what conditions can masturbation be considered haram or halal? What are the benefits and harms of masturbation? If a single man or woman dealing with same-sex attractions needs a "sexual release", would masturbation be safe and acceptable? How can we deal with compulsive masturbation? What are some recommendations to help us curb our desires and keep such habit in check? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
References used and resources mentioned in this episode:
- Fiqh al-Sunnah (فقه السنّة) by al-Sayyid Sābiq (Arabic)
- Like a Garment: Intimacy in Islam by Sh. Yasir Qadhi
- TED talk “A Simple Way to Break a Bad Habit” by Judson Brewer
- SA, Sexaholics Anonymous webpage
- No Fap website
In this episode, we explore together some of the ripple effects of the sexual revolution and gay liberation movement, discuss the nature of morality in Islam, and introduce relevant sexual ethics and gender norms within Islam based on the male-female dichotomy.
What are some of the tangible effects of the sexual revolution that we witness nowadays? How do we understand morality, sexuality and gender norms within an Islamic framework, and how does that contrast with the modern Western paradigm? Are there Islamic legal exceptions or special considerations for men and women dealing with same-sex attractions and/or gender dysphoria when it comes to matters of morality and behavior with members of one's own gender? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
References used in this episode:
- "Boys will be Boys - Gender identity issues" by Sh. Abdal-Hakim Murad
- "Fall of the Family" by Sh. Abdal-Hakim Murad
- "Gender, Sexuality, Morality and Identity" webinar by Dr. Sharif El-Tobgui
This is part II of a 2-episode series on setting boundaries. In this episode, Amina and I discuss setting boundaries with people who have narcissistic tendencies, how to prepare mentally for any pushback, and how to avoid being pulled into the arena of what many psychologists call "pathological narcissists".
What are some characteristics and behaviors of "pathological narcissists", and how might they behave when we start setting boundaries with them? How do I deal with parents, relatives, partners, friends or colleagues who have narcissistic and manipulative tendencies? How do I avoid being manipulated by them? If my parents are actually "pathological narcissists", how do I reconcile being dutiful to them while setting boundaries with them and avoiding their manipulation and mind games? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
References used and resources mentioned in this episode:
- How To Do The Work by Dr. Nicole LePera
- Ross Rosenberg’s videos: "Observe Don't Absorb" technique (example videos here and here), "Induced Conversation" (part I and part II), "Preparing for the Narcissistic Storm" and "12 Potent Tricks" of narcissists
This is part I of a 2-episode series on setting boundaries. In this episode, Amina and I discuss what boundaries are, how to define your own boundaries, communicate them and maintain them, as well as techniques on how to say "no" and how to clearly communicate your needs with others in your life.
Are my boundaries loose, rigid or flexible? What are the three main types of boundaries, and how can I assess these boundaries in my life? What is the difference between emotional dumping and venting? How do I communicate boundaries, say "no" to others and tell others how I feel and what I want/need without hurting them or second guessing myself? How do I deal with any backlash if it takes place? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
References used and resources mentioned in this episode:
- How To Do The Work by Dr. Nicole LePera
- No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover
- Ross Rosenberg’s videos on codependency
- Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty... And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself by Dr. Aziz Gazipura
This is part II of a 2-episode series on healing codependency and emotional dependency. In this episode, Amina and I discuss how to reclaim our place and power in relationships, how to help men reclaim their masculinity, how to reconnect with our path and purpose, as well as how to begin to heal emotional dependency.
How do I feel more secure in my friendships and romantic relationships? How can a cost-benefit analysis help me continue with or sever a relationship? How can men dealing with codependency and/or same-sex attractions reclaim their sense of masculinity and feel like "men among other men"? How do I begin to chart my own path in life and connect with my purpose? How do I deal with procrastination along the way? If I am in an emotionally dependent relationship, is there hope for healing and growth, or should I sever that relationship altogether? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
References used and resources mentioned in this episode:
- Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives by Pia Mellody
- Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattle
- No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover
- How To Do The Work by Dr. Nicole LePera
- Ross Rosenberg’s videos on codependency
- "When Friendships Become Toxic: Understanding Emotional Dependency" webinar by Brothers Road
Additional resources (support groups, books):
- Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDa) international website
- The Language of Letting Go: Daily Meditations for Codependents by Melody Beattle
- The New Codependency: Help and Guidance for Today's Generation by Melody Beattle
- You're Not Crazy - You're Codependent.: What Everyone Affected by Addiction, Abuse, Trauma or Toxic Shaming Must know to have peace in their lives by Jeanette Elisabeth Menter
- The Road Back to Me: Healing and Recovering From Co-dependency, Addiction, Enabling, and Low Self Esteem by Lisa Romano
- Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency by Robert Weiss
This is part I of a 2-episode series on healing codependency and emotional dependency. In this episode, Amina and I discuss how codependency shares similar traits with addiction, and we explore some of the goals, expectations and practical tips on the healing journey, starting with reclaiming our personal power.
How can I stop people pleasing and focus on my own growth instead? What aspects of self-care help me overcome codependency and emotional dependency? Why are expressing feelings and boundary setting important on the healing journey, and how can we practice them in a safe environment? How can we let go of fear and practice surrender? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
References used and resources mentioned in this episode:
- Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives by Pia Mellody
- Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattle
- No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover
- How To Do The Work by Dr. Nicole LePera
- Video on "CoDependency and Addiction Recovery"
- Ross Rosenberg’s videos on codependency and self-love abundancy pyramids
- Ross Rosenberg's "Understanding Trauma and Rosenberg's HITCH", "Healing The Inner Trauma Child (HITCH) Method", and "Healing the Inner Trauma Child Psychotherapy Method"
In our second episode in the series on attachments, codependency and emotional dependency, Amina and I discuss the mental, emotional and behavioral characteristics that many individuals dealing with codependency and/or emotional dependency tend to exhibit.
What is the difference between caring and care taking? Why do I avoid confrontation and resort to people pleasing? Why do I hide my mistakes and have an attitude of perfectionism? Why do I enjoy giving but struggle with receiving? Why do I struggle with being too enmeshed in my relationships or too avoidant? What's the difference between codependency and genuine empathy? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
References used and resources mentioned in this episode:
- Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives by Pia Mellody
- Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattle
- No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover
- How To Do The Work by Dr. Nicole LePera
- The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap by Ross Rosenberg
- "The Difference Between Being an Empath & Being Codependent" video
- "When Friendships Become Toxic: Understanding Emotional Dependency" webinar by Brothers Road
In a series of episodes on emotional attachments, dependency and codependency, my friend Amina joins me to discuss the origins and characteristics of these themes as well as relevant and practical healing and recovery work.
In this episode, we talk about the origins of attachment styles in adulthood, the four styles of adult attachment, and we introduce the topic of codependency. Why am I anxious in my relationships with others? Why am I avoidant of commitment and intimacy? What is codependency and where does it come from? These and other questions are addressed in this episode.
References used and resources mentioned in this episode:
- Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives by Pia Mellody
- Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattle
- No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover
- How To Do The Work by Dr. Nicole LePera
- Ross Rosenberg’s videos on codependency and self-love deficit disorder pyramids
- An explanation of Adult attachment styles
An important theme along the healing and recovery journey is inner child work and re-parenting. In this episode, we dive into childhood attachment theory, introduce the inner child, inner parent and inner adult, as well as the inner child archetypes, and we talk about practical tools of inner child work and the reparenting process.
Who is my inner child and how different is he/she from my inner adult? What does this kind of work have to do with the healing and recovery journey? How can I communicate with my inner child? How can I manage my emotional and sexual triggers using inner child work? These and other questions are discussed in this episode.
Resources used in this episode:
- How To Do The Work by Dr. Nicole LePera
- Coming Out Straight: Understanding Same-Sex Attraction by Richard Cohen
- Re-Parent Your Inner Child masterclass by DailyOM
Recommended books mentioned in the episode:
- Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child by John Bradshaw
- Recovery of Your Inner Child by Dr. Lucia Capacchione
- Healing the Child Within by Dr. Charles Whitfield
- Self Parenting: The Complete Guide to Your Inner Conversations by John Pollard
- The Inner Child Workbook by Cathryn Taylor
- Recovery from Codependency: It's Never Too Late to Reclaim Your Childhood by Dr. Laurie Weiss and Dr. Jonathan Weiss
- Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction by Eddie Capparucci
Sample meditations for connecting with and healing the inner child:
- "Inner Child Meditation" by Dr. Nicole LePera
- "Healing the Inner Child" meditation by Andrew Johnson
- "Inner Child Healing" meditation by Selena Lael
- "Inner Child Healing Meditation: Self Love, Inner Power & Self Worth Affirmations" by Kenneth Soares
- "Inner Child Healing" meditation by Diane Linsley
- "Inner Child Healing" meditation by Oliver Jenkin
- "Healing Inner Child & Emotional Processing Meditation" by Erin Colleen Geraghty
This is part 4 of a four-episode series on understanding the origins and characteristics of complex trauma as well as paving a holistic path of healing.
In this episode, Aadam and I talk about a holistic approach to healing complex trauma using the bio-psycho-social-spiritual model, wrapping up our series on complex trauma.
How do proper nutrition and sleep impact my healing and recovery? What are some grounding techniques that could help me deal with my triggers? How can relationships help me heal my old wounds? Is a spiritual connection a necessary component of the healing process? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
Resources used and mentioned in the episode:
- Video series on complex trauma by Tim Fletcher
- Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect by Jonice Webb
- How To Do The Work by Dr. Nicole LePera
- When the Body Says No: Understanding the Stress-Disease Connection by Dr. Gabor Maté
- The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation by Dr. Stephen Porges
- Anger release scene from the series, "How to Get Away with Murder", played by Viola Davis
- The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Dr. Bessel Van der Kolk (main book), and related workbook
- Secrets of Divine Love: A Spiritual Journey into the Heart of Islam by A. Helwa
Additional resources:
- Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by Dr. Lindsay Gibson
- The Tao of Fully Feeling: Harvesting Forgiveness out of Blame by Pete Walker
- Forgiveness: How to Make Peace With Your Past and Get on With Your Life by Dr. Sidney Simon and Suzanne Simon
- Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma by Pete Walker
- Polyvagal Safety: Attachment, Communication, Self-Regulation by Dr. Stephen Porges
*General trigger warning: episode involves discussion of traumatic events and may be triggering to some listeners*
This is part 3 of a four-episode series on understanding the origins and characteristics of complex trauma as well as paving a holistic path of healing.
In this episode, Aadam and I continue our talk on the effects and characteristics of complex trauma by discussing interpersonal and relationship aspects. We also cover the topic of trauma bonds developed by Dr. Patrick Carnes.
How does complex trauma impact my relationships with family, friends, colleagues and romantic partners? Why do I have issues developing intimacy, trust and respect with people I love and care about? Why do I push people away or hurt them? Why do I end up repeating the same problems but in different contexts? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
Resources used in the episode:
- Video series on complex trauma by Tim Fletcher
- Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect by Jonice Webb
- Trauma Bonds by Patrick J. Carnes
*General trigger warning: episode involves discussion of traumatic events and may be triggering to some listeners*
This is part 2 of a four-episode series on understanding the origins and characteristics of complex trauma as well as paving a holistic path of healing.
In this episode, Aadam and I talk about how complex trauma impacts our self-identity and self-perception, contributes to a shame narrative, and leads to a myriad of emotional, cognitive and behavioral effects and characteristics.
How does complex trauma lead to the narrative that "I am unworthy, unlovable and not good enough"? In what ways does trauma affect our coping strategies? Why do we sometimes fear change, the unknown, and even success? Why do we feel chronically empty? Why do some of us escape into a fantasy world and dissociate? What are some cognitive distortions to watch out for on the journey of healing and recovery? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
Resources used in the episode:
- Video series on complex trauma by Tim Fletcher
- Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect by Jonice Webb
*General trigger warning: episode involves discussion of traumatic events and may be triggering to some listeners*
My friend Aadam joins me on a four-episode series that focuses on understanding the origins and characteristics of complex trauma as well as paving a holistic path of healing.
In this episode, we talk about the definition of complex trauma and factors that lead to it, the survival brain and the fight-flight-freeze response, as well as the different parental or caregiver dynamics that may give rise to complex trauma during childhood.
What is the difference between simple and complex traumas, little t and big T traumas? How does the stress response work, and how does it manifest in our lives as far as our thoughts, emotions, behaviors and relationships are concerned? How can unhealthy parental or caregiver dynamics give rise to complex trauma and influence our thoughts, emotions, behaviors and relationships as adults? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
References mentioned and resources used in the episode:
- Video series on complex trauma by Tim Fletcher
- Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect by Jonice Webb
- How To Do The Work by Dr. Nicole LePera
- Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) Study by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC)
- ACEs research and publications
In this episode, we begin our series on healing and recovery work by covering the basics of conscious self-awareness and mindfulness. We discuss how most of our time is spent on auto-pilot mode and how we can bring our minds back into the present moment through simple daily practice. We also talk about the importance of knowing ourselves and our histories, as well as what to expect on the journey of healing and recovery.
Why do I feel stuck on my journey and how can I overcome this? How will mindfulness, meditation and conscious awareness help me overcome my trauma and challenges? How can I overcome moments of self-pity and self-involvement? These and other questions are discussed in this episode.
References used and resources mentioned in the episode:
- How to Do the Work by Dr. Nicole LePera
- The Battle for Normality: A Guide for (Self-) Therapy for Homosexuality by Dr. Gerard van den Aardweg
- Insight Timer app
- Future Self Journal: get your PDF file here; and learn how to use it here.
- The Van den Aardweg Questionnaire
- The Self-Observation Questionnaire and Exercises
With this episode, we commence season 4 which is dedicated to healing and recovery work. In the season 4 premiere, we examine the effects of words; there are words that hurt and words that heal. We also present a working vision for healing that will pave the way for the myriad of topics to come this season, inshaAllah.
What are some words that ought to be revised in our conversations, particularly with those on their healing and recovery journeys? How do we, as individuals, families and communities, listen to, love and care for those of us struggling with same-sex attractions and/or gender dysphoria? How do we understand our authentic self (our fitrah) in relation to what we have been through in our lives? These and other questions will be discussed in today's episode.
Resource mentioned in the episode:
- Layer of Personality diagram
In the last episode of this season, my friend Alan joins me and shares with us many gems from his journey of healing, recovery and overcoming same-sex attractions, attachments and codependency. Alan shares with us how support systems have helped him in his journey of healing, and he shares lots of advice on relationships, marriage and intimacy from his 40+ years of marriage.
*Trigger warning: this episode covers topics that are emotional and sexual in nature, and it has been flagged for explicit content*
Links to resources mentioned in the episode:
- Brothers Road webpage
- Journey Into Manhood
- Joel 2:25 webpage
- "Developing Heterosexual Desire" by Jeffrey W. Robinson, Ph.D.
- Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life & the Life That You Love by David Steele
- No More Mr Nice Guy: A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex, and Life by Robert Glover
*General trigger warning: Episode involves discussion of intimacy and sexual relations with graphic details. This episode is flagged for explicit content.*
This is part II of a 2-episode series on marital intimacy and sexual relations, answering frequently asked questions on these topics, with a focus on men and women experiencing same-sex attractions. Joining me in both episodes is sex therapist Dr. Rana Khaled, MD/PhD.
In this episode, we discuss ways to improve sexual relations between spouses in quantity and quality, and how to cultivate emotional intimacy with one's spouse. Special focus is given on enhancing sexual desire, intimacy and enjoyment through touch and bodily sensations. We also touch upon sex education, pornography and masturbation within marriage, as well as tips to restore a couple's sex life.
If my spouse feels that I do not desire him/her, what are some tips to cultivate desire? How do we solve sexual problems like erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, vaginismus or issues with sexual desire? What are the values and challenges of a marriage between a man and a woman where both of them experience SSA? If I struggle with masturbation and/or pornography use while married, how do I deal with this? How do I restore a long-lost sex life? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
Links to resources mentioned in the episode:
- No Fap website (English)
- Wa'ii/واعي website (Arabic)
- Sexaholics Anonymous
*General trigger warning: Episode involves discussion of intimacy and sexual relations with graphic details. This episode is flagged for explicit content.*
This is part I of a 2-episode series on marital intimacy and sexual relations, answering frequently asked questions on these topics, with a focus on men and women experiencing same-sex attractions. Joining me in both episodes is sex therapist Dr. Rana Khaled, MD/PhD.
In this episode, we discuss challenges to intimacy and sexual relations in general, as well as those involving men and women dealing with same-sex attractions. We explore sexual relations beginning with points of etiquette and preparations, as well as foreplay, intercourse, and after play. Special emphasis is given to proper communication and building emotional intimacy as well.
How is being intimate with one's spouse an act of worship? What are some of the challenges faced by married couples in the domain of intimacy and sex? How can one deal with performance anxieties, particularly on the wedding night? How does one prepare for sex, physically and psychologically, and what do foreplay, intercourse, and after play include? How do we make sure each partner achieves sexual satisfaction? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
Recommended books on marital relations, intimacy and sex:
- The Guide to Getting It On
- Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters--And How to Get It
- Islamic Guide to Sexual Relations
- Like a Garment: Intimacy in Islam
- تحرير المرأة في عصر الرسالة - الجزء السادس
Dr. Rana Khaled's Twitter handle: @drranakhaled
This is part II of a 2-episode series on marriage and celibacy, answering frequently-asked questions on the topics, with a focus on SSA-related matters.
In this episode, we focus on SSA-related questions within the context of marriage, and we address the topic of celibacy as a legitimate life choice. Is it honest of me to get married without telling my spouse about my SSA? What are some recommendations if I would like to disclose my SSA to him/her? If I had a same-sex sexual encounter before marriage and repented, should I disclose this to my potential spouse? What about a marriage where both partners experience SSA?
If I choose a path of celibacy, how do I fulfill my emotional needs? How do I deal with people giving me a hard time about being single? What if I get old and there is no one to take care of me? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
Links to resources mentioned in the episode:
- On Solitude
- On Desire: Why We Want What We Want
This is part I of a 2-episode series on marriage and celibacy, answering frequently-asked questions on the topics, with a focus on SSA-related matters.
In this episode, we address general questions and misconceptions about marriage. What are the legal rulings on marriage, and when would it actually be discouraged or haram? What if I am pressured by my family and/or community to get married, how do I deal with that? Does marriage "heal" one's SSA? How do I know I’m ready to be sexual and intimate with my spouse, if I’ve never had experience in that domain before? What is some general advice to establish compatibility with my future spouse? These and similar questions are explored in this episode.
Books on marriage and relationships from an Islamic perspective:
- The Muslim Marriage Guide
- Blissful Marriage: A Practical Islamic Guide
- Before You Tie the Knot: A Guide for Couples
- Before the Wedding: Questions for Muslims to Ask before Getting Married
- Handbook of a Healthy Muslim Marriage: Unlocking the Secrets to Ultimate Bliss
Books on marriage and relationships (general):
- Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
- Mating in Captivity
- The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
- How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk
- ScreamFree Marriage: Calming Down, Growing Up, and Getting Closer
- The Art of Seduction
- No More Mr. Nice Guy: A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex, and Life
- The Highly Sensitive Person in Love: Understanding and Managing Relationships When the World Overwhelms You
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Books on marital relations and intimacy:
- The Guide to Getting It On
- Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters--And How to Get It
- Islamic Guide to Sexual Relations
- Like a Garment: Intimacy in Islam
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In this episode, Chris joins me again from Melbourne, Australia, to talk about his own journey of healing, relapses and recovery, involving decades of therapy and being part of support groups, as well as findings answers and help in the fields of neuroscience, biology and functional medicine. He shares with us insights and wisdoms gained throughout six decades of life, after having left the gay lifestyle and sought a path of healing and celibacy.
*Trigger warning: discussion involves sexual abuse, sexual addictions and behaviors as well as relapses throughout a recovery journey*
N.B. This episode is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Please seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers with any questions you may have regarding a particular medical condition, or if you'd like to know more about what is being covered in this episode.
Links to resources mentioned in the episode:
- Broken Brain podcast episode: What If It Only Took 5 Minutes To Change Your Health? with Dr. Rangan Chatterjee
- Amen Clinics - Leading US innovative psychiatric clinic using brain scans to help diagnose and treat psychiatric and other health conditions holistically
- Free 5-minute online brain health assessment from Amen Clinics
- "Straight & Narrow? Compassion Clarity in the Homosexuality Debate" by Thomas E. Schmidt
- "The End of Mental Illness" book
- The Institute for Functional Medicine
- Finding a functional medicine practitioner
- The End of Alzheimer’s - Dr. Dale Bredesen
- Step minus one workshop – the missing physical aspect of sexual recovery
- The functional medicine matrix
In our last episode on support systems, Br. Ali Jaffery joins me again as a guest speaker and talks to us about the Mankind Project with its different services, like the New Warrior Training and integration groups, as well as a separate initiative called the Noble Man.
How does the Mankind Project help men in general with their growth, healing and masculine identity? What is New Warrior Training weekend, and what does it involve? How does the Noble Man deal with the feminine dimension, and what does the weekend involve? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
Links to resources mentioned in the episode:
- Mankind Project website
- New Warrior Training weekends
- Mankind Project's men's groups
- Celebration of Being website
- Noble Man workshops
- More about the Noble Man
- Workshops for Women
- Women's Immersion Weekend
In this episode, Jeremy Schwab from the US and Alan Alencar from Brazil join me as guest speakers and talk to us about "Joel 2:25" and the international initiatives associated with the organization.
What does "Joel 2:25" stand for? How has "Joel 2:25" evolved throughout the years, and what are some of the services provided for individuals who experience same-sex attractions? How can one be verified and admitted into the different support groups available? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
Links to resources mentioned in the episode:
- Joel 2:25 webpage
In this episode, Mr. Richard Wyler from the US joins me as a guest speaker and talks to us about Brothers Road and the services offered by his organization.
How has "Brothers Road" evolved throughout the years from "People Can Change"? What are "Journey into Manhood" (JIM) weekends, and what do they involve in terms of bonding and healing work? What are other journeys offered beyond JIM? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
Links to resources mentioned in the episode:
- Brothers Road webpage
- Journey Into Manhood
- Journey Continues
- Journey Beyond
- A Woman Who Loves
In this episode, Robert Gollwitzer from Germany joins me as a guest speaker and talks to us about Homosexuals Anonymous and the 14-step program.
How are the 14 steps different from the 12 steps, and what do they entail? What is the focus of Homosexuals Anonymous, and how does it help individuals struggling with unwanted same-sex attractions? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
Links to resources mentioned in the episode:
- Homosexuals Anonymous website
- Robert’s website
- Joe Dallas’s website
- "The Search For Significance: Seeing Your True Worth Through God's Eyes" by Robert McGee
- "Reconciliation" movie
In this episode, Chris from Australia joins me as a guest speaker and talks to us about 12-step programs as well as sexual recovery programs, like Sexaholics Anonymous (SA), Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), among others.
How did 12-step programs evolve throughout the years and what do they entail? Who are "sponsors" and how do they support us with our recovery? What are some of the different sexual recovery programs out there, and how do they help us in our journeys of abstinence from sex, masturbation and/or pornography? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
Links to resources mentioned in the episode:
- "A Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps" by Patrick Carnes
- Alcoholics Anonymous “Big Book”, 12 Steps and 12 Traditions
- SA, Sexaholics Anonymous webpage
- Same-sex lust recovery in Sexaholics Anonymous
- Sexaholics Anonymous White Book
- SLAA, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous webpage
- SLAA Signs of Recovery
- SAA, Sex Addicts Anonymous webpage
In this episode, Br. Yousef Salam from Canada joins me as a guest speaker and talks to us about the online support group Straight Struggle.
How did Straight Struggle evolve throughout the years from the "Yahoo!" to "Discord" platforms? What are the services that the online support group provides? What are the demographics of members who benefit from such services? These questions and others are explored in this episode.
Links to resources mentioned in the episode:
- Br. Yousef’s article, “From a Same-Sex Attracted Muslim: Between Denial of Reality and Distortion of Religion”
- Br. Yousef’ podcast interview, “I don’t view this as an identity”, on the BBC Radio 4 series “Muslim Pride”
- Straight Struggle website (Discord platform)
- Br. Mobeen Vaid’s article, “Can Islam Accommodate Homosexual Acts? Quranic Revisionism and the Case of Scott Kugle”
In this episode, Br. Ali Jaffery from the UK joins me as a guest speaker and talks to us about his organization, Strong Support, which aims to help Muslims experiencing unwanted same-sex lust.
What is the mission and vision of Strong Support? What are the services that it provides? What are the demographics of members who benefit from such services? These questions and others are explored in this episode.
Links to resources mentioned in the episode:
- Br. Ali’s podcast interview on The Muslim Vibe
- Strong Support homepage
- Study: “Barriers for Muslims with SSA in Accessing Support”
With season 3, we begin a series of episodes that address different kinds of support systems and the ways they can help us on our journeys of growth and healing. In this episode, we address local support groups, including friends, family members and colleagues, and we answer some frequently asked questions.
What are the different kinds of friendship with the same sex that one can cultivate, and what values do they have? Should I disclose my same-sex attractions to a close friend, and if so, how can I do that? What if I find myself attracted to a friend or member of my support group, how do I handle that? Should I disclose about my habits or struggles, bearing in mind that Islam promotes modesty and concealing one's sins? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
In this season finale, my friend Amina joins me as a guest speaker to share with us her story, from same-sex relationships and marriage, being on “spiritual life support” as she calls it, and living the “progressive lifestyle”, to returning back to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and changing her life for Him.
*Trigger warning: the episode covers deep emotional topics like abandonment and divorce, as well as issues related to childhood sexual abuse*
In our last episode on spiritual reflections, Hashim and I revisit the topic of repentance, and we discuss spiritual awakening, the characteristics of that station and some things to watch out for when we're experiencing the "highs" as well as the "lows". We also wrap up and summarize the spiritual themes discussed during season 2 of the podcast.
What is spiritual awakening and why is it temporary? How is it that a spiritual high is a test as much as a spiritual low? And how is this relevant in our individual journeys, particularly when dealing with same-sex attractions? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
In this episode, Hashim and I talk about desires and shahawat: their different kinds, the wisdom behind them, and the many ways to help us curb them in our journeys, particularly for individuals who experience same-sex attractions.
Is it only Shaytan that whispers to us to inflame our desires? What are the different degrees of the nafs (self), and how are they relevant to our journey in life? What can be done individually and collectively to help us control our desires in a healthy manner? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
In this episode, Hashim and I discuss the story of the people of Lut (PBUH) and reflect on many relevant themes, with a focus on our struggle as men and women experiencing same-sex attractions in this day and age who are committed to staying true to Allah and His deen. We tackle the topics of pride and remorse, the ways in which we may be similar to and different from the people of Lut (PBUH), how chastity is a cornerstone of our faith, and how grounding ourselves in Him and standing our ground for Him SWT is the way to go, inshaAllah.
If we were living in Sodom at that time, who would we be like? Why did God describe the state of the people of Lut (PBUH) as one of blinding intoxication? What are some practical lessons we can learn from this story that can help us in our journey, particularly in our current age? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
This is a 2-episode series where my friend Hashim and I dissect the story of Adam and Eve, peace be upon them, as well as temptation and repentance and offer many reflections on how this story is relevant to us as men and women experiencing SSA.
In part II of this series, we talk about how to use Allah's provisions to repent and go back to Him, starting with remembrance and prayer, the importance of never losing hope or giving in to despair or shame and of reflecting on the mercy and love that Allah SWT bestows upon His creation. In addition, we discuss what may keep us from experiencing true submission to Him SWT on our individual journeys.
This is a 2-episode series where my friend Hashim and I dissect the story of Adam and Eve, peace be upon them, as well as temptation and repentance and offer many reflections on how this story is relevant to us as men and women experiencing SSA.
In part I of this series, we go back to the origin of the creation of mankind: how God glorified man and destined him for greatness, how the devil lurks in the background and uses our desires against us, glorifying sin and temptation, and how Adam PBUH is a model for us in immediately going back to Allah SWT after falling into sin.
In this episode, we explore together the concept of love for the sake of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, presenting the examples of two pairs of giants: David (PBUH) and Jonathan, as well as Shams and Rumi. Pure love between members of the same sex can be very profound, healing and uplifting, such that even poetry fails to describe its magnitude.
What was the kind of love that these two pairs shared such that its legacy still stands until this day? Were any parts of this love sensual or physical, or was this love spiritual and beyond? How can we cultivate this kind of transformative love? These and other questions are discussed in this episode.
In this episode, we talk about gifts and talents, as well as Divine openings that come along with SSA. Whether spiritual openings, emotional intelligence or extraordinary talents across different fields, men and women with SSA have God-given gifts, which, when used wisely, can end up changing the world.
We also explore some stories of men and women throughout history, among whom some had strong and platonic same-sex friendships, others had SSA and kept themselves chaste, while others, unfortunately, acted upon their desires -- from leaders like Alexander the Great and Emperor Hadrian and artists like Michelangelo and Tchaikovsky, to writers and poets like Emily Dickinson, Oscar Wilde and Virginia Woolf and scientists like Alexander von Humboldt and Alan Turing. We also examine the story of Ibn Dawud al-Zahiri, a Muslim scholar who himself had SSA and loved another man passionately, but kept himself chaste and lived a God-conscious life.
In this episode, Aadam and I discuss the topic of attachments, fear of letting go, and sacrifice for the sake of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. We dissect the story of Ibrahim, Hajar and Isma'il (peace and blessings be upon them all), looking at their trials from that particular lens. We also examine the statement of Tawheed (monotheism): "There is no god but Allah" from a lens of shedding all worldly attachments and redirecting things towards Him.
What are some things to which we are attached in this life, that leaving them would send us on a downward spiral? How does the statement of Tawheed involve leaving attachments and surrendering oneself? And more importantly, how does all this tie in with our experiences and struggles with same-sex attractions? These among other questions are answered in this episode.
In our third and last part of the three-episode series on hardships, trials and tribulations, we talk about how trials and hardships purify us, the rewards hidden in them and how challenges in life lead to self-improvement and the development of gratitude and contentment. We end this series of episodes by synthesizing all themes discussed and reflecting on the story of Prophet Yusuf/Joseph (PBUH).
How does pain purify us and bring us back to Allah? What is the difference between bearing things, being patient and being content and happy with tribulations? And how is the story of Yusuf (PBUH) a beacon of light for people struggling with SSA? These and other questions are discussed in this episode.
We continue with our three-episode series on hardships, trials and tribulations, and in this second part, we talk about how struggles bring about sincerity, humility and patient forbearance, as well as many rewards from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. We also explore the notion, "With every hardship comes ease", as we present glimpses from the lives of Moses, Maryam and Asiyah, may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon them all, and contextualize our struggle with SSA in relation to these profound themes.
How are trials and tribulations a sign of Allah's love, and how do they teach us patience, humility and sincerity? Does Allah give us painful trials that we cannot bear? And why is it that, when Asiyah the wife of Pharaoh was being brutally tortured by her husband, she began to smile? These and other questions are discussed in this episode.
My friend Aadam joins me in a three-episode series where we discuss hardships, trials and tribulations and contextualize our struggle with SSA in the larger scheme of things. In this episode, we talk about the problem of evil and suffering, the story of Moses (PBUH) and Al-Khidr, the story of Ayyub (PBUH) and his wife, and how everything in life is a test from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.
Why do "bad things" happen to "good people"? Why are we tested? Can things that appear as "bad" conceal "good" things in them? These and other questions are discussed in this episode.
References mentioned in this episode:
- "Trials and Tribulations: Wisdom and Benefits" by al-Imam al-'Izz bin 'Abdi-s-Salam
- "17 Benefits of Tribulation" lecture by Sh. Hamza Yusuf
- "Reclaim Your Heart" by Yasmin Mogahed
With this episode, we begin a series of episodes tackling spiritual aspects relevant to struggles, trials and tribulations. We explore together what many of us have been through, or are still going through, namely, what seems to be "layers of darkness within an unfathomable sea", and our search for Light.
The episode is based on Surat al-Fatiha, The Opener and Inaugurator of the Qur'an, and it is an invitation to let go of one's anger, baggage and preconceived notions for a tiny amount of time and to see Allah through Allah, as He describes Himself, subhanahu wa ta'ala, in this foundational surah.
In this season 2 premiere, I address some of the questions and comments received and misconceptions that arose with regards to topics addressed in season 1 of the podcast, inviting everyone to pause, rewind and hit play, both literally and spiritually.
Do we all fit the trauma-based models? Does therapy work for everyone? What is meant by "healing" in the context of SSA, and is there any such thing to begin with? And most importantly, who is in charge of your life, choices and decisions? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
Links to resources mentioned on sexual identity therapy (SIT):
- "Sexual Identity Therapy is Not Reparative Therapy" blog post by Warren Throckmorton
- "Understanding Sexual Identity Therapy" blog post by Mark Yarhouse
- "Sexual identity therapy: Practice framework for managing sexual identity conflicts" by Warren Throckmorton, Ph.D, and Mark A. Yarhouse, Psy.D.
In this season finale, Mr. Richard Cohen, author of Coming Out Straight: Understanding Same-Sex Attraction joins me in an intense yet heartwarming discussion of the four areas and four stages of healing that he outlines in his book, as part of a comprehensive and holistic plan to healing and growth. We dissect, in details, the different stages from grounding and transitioning to healing homo- and hetero-emotional wounds, in line with the the psychology of SSA covered in previous episodes. We also address commonly-asked questions towards the end of the episode, with some uplifting messages from Richard to men and women with SSA, as well as parents and family members. A very rewarding and humbling talk, not to be missed!
Links to resources mentioned in the episode:
- Coming Out Straight: Understanding Same-Sex Attraction by Richard Cohen
- TED Talk: "The Great Porn Experiment" by Gary Wilson
- Recovery of Your Inner Child by Lucia Capacchione
- Positive Approaches to Healthy Sexuality Organization
- Ten Days to Self-Esteem by David Burns
- Joel 2:25 Organization
- Time, Touch and Talk Organization
- Straight Struggle Discord Platform
In this episode, Mr. Michael Gasparro from Dr. Nicolosi's Breakthrough Clinic joins me to talk about reintegrative therapy. We discuss cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), body work, how to navigate the gray zone and the scenario preceding the homosexual enactment, as well as grief work and the reintegrative therapy protocol. Would therapy help me address my same-sex attractions? How different is reintegrative therapy from what is known nowadays as conversion therapy? What resources are available for me online to access therapy? We examine these and other questions in this episode.
Links to resources mentioned in the episode:
- Reintegrative Therapy Association
- The Reintegrative Protocol
- The Breakthrough Clinic
- The International Federation for Therapeutic and Counseling Choice (IFTCC)
- Alliance for Therapeutic Choice
- "Free to Love" Documentary
In this episode, we tackle the origins, development and characteristics of female same-sex attractions (SSA). We dive again into childhood family dynamics, defensive detachment, gender non-conformity, trauma and sexual abuse, as well as poor peer relations and body image. We explore together dynamics of female-female relationships and discuss emotional dependency and enmeshment. How similar and different are male SSA and female SSA? What are the four profiles of women with SSA? How do attachments, high emotionality and dependency manifest themselves in the lives of women with SSA? We will explore these and other questions in this episode.
*General trigger warning: Episode may evoke painful memories and emotional reactions. Also, the topic of childhood sexual abuse is discussed in this episode.*
Links to resources mentioned in the episode:
- Janelle Hallman's "The Heart of Female Same-Sex Attraction: A Comprehensive Counseling Resource"
In this episode, my friend Fares and I discuss characteristics and experiences common to men and women experiencing same-sex attractions (SSA). We revisit shame and discuss anticipatory shame, and we explain some of the psychological defenses that we exhibit, mainly false selves and narcissistic thoughts and behaviors. We also dissect the notion of homosexuality being a repetition compulsion and tie it to addictions, and we look into some of the inherent deficits of homosexual relationships. Finally, we end by introducing the notions of grief work and the importance of vulnerability and assertion in resolving the repetition compulsion. What are examples of the false self? How are shame and narcissism tied together? What's the difference between distortions and illusions and how do they control our thinking? What triggers me to act out sexually, and what's the road to healing? We examine these and other questions in this episode.
Some extra and relevant resources:
- Stand4Truth Summit panel presentations with Robert Vazzo and David Pickup
- Coffee with Karim Podcast episode 69: "Are You a Narcissist?"
- Same-sex sexuality and psychiatric disorders in the second Netherlands Mental Health Survey and Incidence Study (NEMESIS-2)
- Sexual practices among patients with borderline personality disorder
In part II of our discussion on the genesis of same-sex attractions (SSA), we tackle the topics of poor peer relations, social wounds, body image and the masculinity/femininity inferiority complex. We also go into the roles of society, media and culture, as well as the potential effects of separation from parents and negative events in-utero. The second half of the episode is dedicated to the topic of sexual abuse. We consider research findings, consider a personal account, and offer advice and take-home messages to survivors, their loved ones and the community at large.
Are feelings of inferiority and experiences of bullying associated with SSA? What roles do society and culture play in the development of SSA? Do events of sexual abuse and rape increase my chances of developing SSA? We will explore these and other questions in this episode.
*Trigger warning for victims and survivors of sexual abuse and rape. Episode also flagged for explicit content.*
Links to resources mentioned in this episode:
- The WHO Coronavirus Disease 2019 Main Page
- Coming Out Straight: Understanding Same-Sex Attraction
- The Battle for Normality: A Guide for (Self-) Therapy for Homosexuality
In part I of a discussion on the genesis of same-sex attractions (SSA), we tackle the extent to which genetics, temperamental predisposition as well as different family dynamics are associated with the development of homosexual inclinations. In addition, we talk about narcissistic parental relations and their impacts on children, the concept of defensive detachment as well as how homosexuality can be seen as a reparative drive. Is there a gay gene? Am I predisposed to developing SSA? What roles do my father, mother and siblings play in this? We will explore these and other questions in this episode.
*General trigger warning: Episode may evoke painful memories and emotional reactions.*
Links to books mentioned in this episode:
- My Genes Made Me Do It! Homosexuality and the Scientific Evidence
- Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality: A New Clinical Approach
- Shame and Attachment Loss: The Practical Work of Reparative Therapy
- Coming Out Straight: Understanding Same-Sex Attraction
- The Battle for Normality: A Guide for (Self-) Therapy for Homosexuality
In this episode, my dear friend Sinan joins me to share his personal story. A journey from a place of complete darkness and devastation to a place of wholeness and peace.
*Trigger warning: episode includes vivid recollection of severe depression, death wishes and passive suicidal ideations*
In the first part of this episode, I present some historical facts on changes within the psychological profession with regards to the classification of homosexuality. I also present some history about the gay liberation movement as well as popular misinformation circulating nowadays, with some scientific studies to disprove some of these misconceptions. Furthermore, we explore the palpable role played by media and pop culture in the confusion of today's youth, as well as the term "homophobia" as it is perceived today. In the second part of the episode, we examine the essentializing vs. non-essentializing paradigms and the difference between saying "I am gay" vs. "I have SSA", as we take a critical look at the notion of gay identity.
Links to some scientific studies cited in this episode:
- Health care problems of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender patients
- Effects of perceived discrimination on mental health and mental health services utilization among gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender persons
- Sexual orientation disparities in the co-occurrence of substance use and psychological distress: a national population-based study (2008-2015)
- Embodying pervasive discrimination: a decomposition of sexual orientation inequalities in health in a population-based cross-sectional study in Northern Sweden
- Elevated empathy in adults following childhood trauma
In this Q and A session, Aadam and I answer some of the questions and comments that we received by e-mail or came across on social media, with regards to the first three episodes, as well as the recent event that took place in Texas entitled, "LGBTQ+ Balancing Our Faith with Civil Rights" in which I was a speaker.
Links to sources mentioned in the episode:
- The Event at EPIC Mosque and Center
In the second part of our two-episode series, Aadam and I continue the discussion on self-compassion, shame and vulnerability. In this episode, we talk about connection, shame, feeling worthy and a sense of belonging, vulnerability, and what it really means to be courageous, and then we tie all of these concepts to the struggle of individuals living with SSA. Do you believe you are worthy of love, connection and belonging? Is there a difference between the person you think you should be and the person you really are? Are you willing to remove your masks for a while and show your true emotions? These and other questions are addressed in this episode.
Links to sources mentioned in the episode:
Brené Brown's TED talk, "The Power of Vulnerability"
Brené Brown's TED talk, "Listening to Shame"
Brené Brown's Netflix special, "The Call to Courage"
Brené Brown's publications
My dear friend Aadam joins me in a two-episode series where we discuss self-compassion, shame and vulnerability. In this episode, we talk about self-love and compassion, how these topics are crucial to our well being and growth, and the difference between shame and guilt. How do you treat yourself on a daily basis? What is it like with your mental chatter? Do you feel worthy of love? These and other questions are presented in this episode.
Links to sources mentioned in the episode:
Option B, by Sheryl Sandberg
In this episode, I introduce myself and give an overview of the current global narrative, highlighting the scarcity of resources in Muslim communities to help individuals struggling with SSA and airing out some of the frustrations that most of us feel. I also give a glimpse into what the podcast is about, who the target audience is, and what to expect from this series.
Links to sources mentioned in the episode:
- Waheed's article
- Br. Yousef's article
- The Straight Struggle online group
- Susan David's TED talk, "The Gift and Power of Emotional Courage"
- Br. Ali's Strong Support foundation
A summary of the goals of the podcast and a glimpse into the myriad of topics coming up in the series, inshaAllah.
En liten tjänst av I'm With Friends. Finns även på engelska.