59. Why are you stuck in a Parent-Child Allegiance? (Part 1)

"Things are so great between us…until the kids are around!  Then there's just a ton of tension and we end up arguing about everything!"

We've heard this from countless step couples over the years.  It isn't surprising because stepfamily structure puts couples on opposite ends of an experiential divide — leaving us feeling frustrated and maybe even hopeless.

But here's what we've discovered…

…at the root of stepfamily structure are relationships that have been reordered.  This leads to a dynamic called a parent-child allegiance — which puts the marital relationship on the "back burner" and robs us of the unity we really want.  

Sometimes it can feel like the kids have all the power and control.  The bio-parent feels stuck between their spouse and their kids — trying to maintain parental authority, but feeling like they can't please anyone.  Step-parents inevitably feel excluded, unheard and devalued — stuck on the outside.

A parent-child allegiance will eventually drive a wedge of confusion, resentment, anger and disconnection between spouses.  If it continues, the marriage will never be elevated and recognized as the relational foundation of the home (where it really needs to be for the family to thrive).

But, what if you could move beyond long-standing parent-child allegiances and get united as a team around parenting?  What if you could maintain stability for the kids AND elevate the status of your marriage at the same time?

The truth is, YOU CAN!  

And the first step is to understand and overcome the emotional barriers that stand in the way.  These barriers are most likely keeping you stuck in unhealthy parenting patterns that typically lead to marital conflict 

This is a BIG topic…so big that we'll be taking a deep dive over the next several episodes to help you identify the barriers that might be holding you back and offer practical support for both bio and step parents!

 In this episode, you'll hear the first half of our conversation about the challenges bio-parents often face when they're stuck in a parent-child allegiance.  We'll share the rest of the conversation in the next episode.  

After that, keep an eye out for our discussion around the step-parent's barriers — plus some practical steps that can help you both overcome all these challenges.

You'll Discover in Part 1:

• Common parenting patterns that create a parent-child allegiance
• How to begin reversing parent-child allegiances by understanding the emotional barriers of the bio-parent
• Kim's struggle with the barriers of guilt and fear — which dictated parenting decisions and weakened her parental authority

Resources from this Episode:

• Episode 49:  Should Your Highest Priority be Your Marriage…or Your Kids?
• Episode 21:  What is the Stranded Stranger & Trapped Teammate Experience?
• BOOK:  The Smart Stepfamily by Ron Deal
• Blog: Two Simple Steps to Move Past Paralyzed Parenting

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