Close Talkers – A Seinfeld Podcast

We're a napkin-positive household. George is bad and Katy likes it.

Derek's biggest fear is accidentally ordering lobster at a restaurant. Katy wants to know the distance in time. Elaine isn't in the mirror world.

There was a low rumble, a metallic squink, and a baffling galonk. Katy reconsiders the Bic Round Stic. Derek's nails don't grow like everyone else's.

We try to remember how to podcast and more importantly, whether Katy has seen any of the Star Trek movies (she hasn't).

We perform a table read of the abandoned Seinfeld episode "The Gun/The Bet", written by Larry Charles and deemed not funny enough and too dark to continue production. How many items can we make our child fetch so she's won't hear us say "sex"?

Derek and Katy square off in the battle of the century to find out...whose cereal choices are better. DM us your vote for Katy's or Derek's lists @closetalkerspodcast on Instagram!

Susan expires. George rejoices. Jerry dates himself. Kramer says hello. Elaine is also there.

It's better than Ghandi. Somehow we get into conservative mouthpieces and "reversaries". Susan chooses the chicken.

Katy's mic malfunctions and we hardly miss her. Derek reminds us of his deranged past as a bottle depositor.

Warning: This episode is pretty gassy. Jerry Seinfeld thinks toxic masculinity is knowing how to order a drink. Derek doesn't believe blond hair and brown eyes is a thing.

Thick does not mean chunk. We keep it short and silly for this terrible episode.

The Friars Club serves turd burger. Derek has strong feelings about conductors again. Katy's mic was off and no one noticed.

This episode goes off the rails and never comes back. Nothing we say can be used against us in a court of law.

Katy wants a steady flow, medium pressure. Derek doesn't know what the other side of cabbage is. And can your pee tell you about your bones?

Marisa Tomei loves short, stocky, funny bald men. Elaine loses her mind. Jerry is a very good boy. Derek thinks he is not related to his cousins.

Elaine covets a bike, George claims a name, Kramer asked for Dijon and Jerry can't solve a mystery. That happens!

This can only mean one thing - George is dead. Elaine's prank backfires and we describe how to steal a Ford Ranger.

We're in a Taylor Ham scenario. Katy maintains overhand would get the rye up to the third floor. Derek tries not bring up butt chugging but it happens anyway. We all blame Rusty.

Where's Susan? George is worrying an old friend with his behaviour, and everyone else is worried about Lloyd Braun. Elaine's shirt could be wetter.

Derek believes a sponge will always get used. Katy had to do a hard target search for eye wipes. Kramer's walk is not worth talking about.

Hello and welcome to this episode. Why don't you just tell me what you thought of it? We discuss driving positions, buffers and ballzookas.

Take Part in the fun! Elaine is obsessed with a man who doesn't remember her, and George reveals his secret to Jacopo's mama.

We get censored this episode, and it's not for saying Soup Nazi too much. George is disgusted with Jerry. Kramer is roughed up by toughs.

Elaine tries to write catalogue copy and defends her alarm clock and microwave skills. Katy asks Derek to banter.

Too much happens in the span of two days. George winks constantly. We agree head-to-toe doesn't make sense.

Derek thinks Katy uses too many mugs. Katy is pro-canning. Larry David's worst story idea sees George providing a chair.

All we want are doors to the floor. George wants to postpone to the first day of Spring. Kramer spills a latte.

She scooped the niblets. Katy identifies with Elaine as a pyjama-clad, neighbour-yeller. Derek appreciates knowing where you are and what you're doing. We discuss Mad About You.

Is nog short for "not egg" in this case? We drink on air for your holiday enjoyment. Warning: Lots of lippy smacky noises.

Oh no! My frankfurter! My frankfurter oh no. The incomparable divine Miss M finds herself Gilooly'd, and princess wants a manicure. None of this make sense, and we gab about hockey goss.

You gotta support the team. This devolves into a hockey gossip podcast with a sidebar into butt wiping.

Repeat after me: you can't have sex in the lobby of a hotel. And what does it mean if you say you have a pen in your ear? George is a terrible person.

Warning: This episode is about ass. We say it a lot. Fusili, blepharoplasty, vanity and hilarity ensue.

Sucking on pits and nuts, this episode is not really about a doodle. At the end we take a hard turn into energy politics!

Derek and Katy do not like this episode. Derek and Katy talk about killer tomatoes instead. Derek and Katy sing a song from Drag Race.

Frank has a lot going on on the top floor. George doesn't want kasha in bed. Derek refuses to believe Canada Post is responsible for postal codes.

Elaine's friend leaves her three blocks from home with all her ski gear. George yells at a delicate genius. We are still talking about pointy heads.

Elaine tries to recruit to her team. Jerry watches Melrose. We debate pointy heads.

We go live for our 100th episode and Seinfeld's 100th episode clip show! We struggle with audio, we talk over the episode, we have a nice fun time.

A toupee, a lie, a pair of glasses, and a scofflaw in that order. New York is real and it's full of diapers and delivery boxes.

Tim Whatley regifts a label maker, the second most wonderful office equipment. George eats a dark pickle. We fix Canadian football. Ukraine is not weak.

Pickleball culture is out of control. Jerry fails successfully at the switch. Katy tries to guess where the name is real or not. TW: Eating disorders are mentioned in this episode.

Katy's not a communist but she looks best in drab green. Derek's not a communist but he wrote for the Daily Worker. George goes to Cuba.

We could go the tomato route, but instead we crowd into the changeroom at Barney's.

Mr. Pitt gets to briefly live his dream, George drives Mr. Voight's car, Jerry doesn't want to be a cowboy and Elaine's next stop is Pottersville.

It's a summer clip show!

We take a break, we have a KitKat, and some other tasty and not so tasty treats in this summer bonus episode. Lots of chewing and eating noises, beware.

If you order it, it's a meal. Derek doesn't know who he's making fun of anymore, and we rate the Irish superhunks.

Derek says the words "better than naked is hoiking?" in this episode, in which we also say the word sex a lot. We talk more about the shirt off than the garbage eclair.

Poppie micturates on Jerry's couch. Tipping culture is fraught, and in the end we didn't tip the guys because they didn't come back the next day. Also it's an abortion episode.

We alienate our American listeners, Donna Chang leads everyone on, and Derek doesn't even think Larry David deserves mention.

Jerry's cheque-cashing sends his Nana into the mean streets for the first time in 20 years and there are three other storylines to boot.

Katy and Derek do a deep dive on pens and pencils. We learn about Katy's childhood cereal habit.

Rhode Island are never contenders. We appreciate a classic Miss America performance.

Katy's a deli meats gal, because a lot of sins could be hidden in tuna. Derek believes the opposite of eating a tuna sandwich is throwing up a tuna sandwich.

There was shrinkage. You gotta see the baby. Breathtaking. One of the best episodes of all time and we talk about Idiocracy and the Full Monty.

Derek lectures us on theism, but concludes by suggesting we read "Nietzche's book over there" for the complete story. George runs from a fire and Katy misunderstands an accident.

Stand up is bread. In this double episode where a lot happens and everyone shows up, we spend (y)our time talking about keys.

We talk cleaners with offensive statues, cleaners with crumbling architecture, olives, and peeing in the shower (it's fine).

Where is Shelley? We discuss the superhunks (again),public transit and why you would ever take it out.

Poppy is sloppy, it's Elaine's butt in the window, George's suit swooshes and we love gravy.

George is a yellow, and not a marine biologist. Katy trusts Derek, and his impressions are spot on.

Katy wants to know why she wasn't invited to the wine enemas, Derek tells everyone in Cuba he loves them, and the gang doesn't go to a dinner party.

There's more than one exploding whale video you need to see, we debunk the climbing accident and discuss the tortilla continuum.

It is a hard G or a soft G? Are those the ones that go around mutilating squirrels? Do you peek in the cabinet? Derek will if it's obvious, Katy will if you're weird.

We talk speech recognition again, reminisce about giving away furniture, and like the George storyline of this iffy episode.

Jerry is a terrible person, Elaine loves OJ and we're still chatting about chatbots.

We discover the true origin of the Super Mario Brothers, and get a robot to rank Seinfeld, while Jerry tries to cheat on his barber.

This time Katy's mic is off, but we still nail it. Derek mentions an outtake and never delivers, and claims he can eat a whole onion, fast.

We're not playing egg badminton here, we're discussing party etiquette. George eats a sundae.

We cut so much of this episode out, you might say it was bris'd.

Here's to feeling good all the time. Katy tries out her Mandarin and then promptly loses her voice. Derek tells an incredible bar story.

Derek and Katy recount stories of their eighth grade school trips because anything is more interesting than this Seinfeld episode about glasses.

Gaseous bologna, bananas in jello, and a shirt that was the third funniest thing in this episode.

Let's talk about sex baby, let's talk about mangoes please, let's talk about all the faking and the plantains that may be.

It's a festivus miracle, a bonus episode! Warning: this episode contains lots of misophonic ASMR stuff, so beware.

Raisins are different. Gorp is not to be shared. And how much loving DOES a normal couple need? Jerry and George's pilot is shot and killed.

We embrace the beauty of silence as Derek tries to recall a classic tale and we draw triangles. Caution for kids listening in, we say "bitches" a bunch of times.

We debate the merits of white wine, exotic fruits and just a bit about this so-so episode.

Jerry never considers the name Regina. Katy remembers a time when you'd be flipping channels it would just be guts. Cam talks yoyos.

Our hubris in claiming we are perfect comes back to bite us as Derek's microphone dies while we discuss fake boobs.

Jerry, George and Elaine all do the same job for a single day, and Vulture.com lose their minds over it.

Can you get outed if you were never in? We weigh in on this controversial episode, but mostly just rate the world leader anti-hunks.

We debate what terrible things might have happened to our food, and Derek has lots to say about cleavage.

Derek makes up for last week with a Werner Herzog impression. We discuss whether passing along mail for a previous resident is worth it. George's date was going to help everyone and he blows it.

Did Derek record this episode from inside a garbage can? No, he just turned off his mic before we started. The gang tries to see a movie together.

Jerry and Elaine deal with duelling embarassments, George wins back Susan with penicillin and we say penis another 9 times.

Jerry ditches Elaine in coach, it's a good Kramer dialogue episode and Derek makes Katy feel bad for Hulk Hogan.

Glamour?! A very special Episode 50 is out! Derek and Katy go live on YouTube in a special extra-long episode about the best sitcom episode of all time.

We google a great many things about Seinfeld's The Virgin but we swear it's not boring to listen to.

Mark your calendars with a big red star! Wednesday, September 21 at 9pm EST we go live on YouTube to talk closely about The Contest! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC7q38AKwGsKT0bHV6sSb6ZA

We have a lot of laughs talking about this dark Seinfeld episode about the opera, and tease something very special for episode 50.

In this episode, there are five storylines but we just talk pens, paper and panties.

We dive deep into voicemail, Derek calls out attached earlobes, and we only like Smarmy Confident George if he's directing it at a jerk.

Elaine sings with a stranger, George begs, Jerry bargains, and we bask in the glory of Beyond Belief.

Derek reveals a deep, dark secret, and has never been more disgusted with George.

Is The Pitch/The Ticket a good episode? How do you wipe with corn cobs? Can you recover from vomiting on someone?

This episode is a trip, which is neither dark nor funny (Seinfeld's, not ours).

We screwed up so much, here's a full bonus episode of corrections!

Key brothers share a sacred bond. We discuss bones, planes, Murphy Brown and other things we have no business talking about.

Katy was going to parallel park head first but thought better of it. Derek makes us all wait while he sets up a sick burn. George fights over a parking spot.

Welcome to Art Talk, our new podcast about art. Someone will have to explain it to George, and then explain the explanation.

Jerry ends up dating a sociopath who sideswiped a car. George has an affair with a sociopath's wife. Derek and Katy try to figure out some geography with the help of an old tune.

We're back with a regular episode! George's car breaks down on his way to pick up Jerry, and they masquerade as O'Brien and Murphy with unexpected results.

Derek records a solo mini episode, and makes Katy listen to a monologue a dozen times. Back to regular episodes next week.

We attempt to solve the age-old question that nobody has asked, "If you plug an old phone into a landline jack with no home phone service, can you still call 911?" And then some stuff about Keith Hernandez, unemployment, spitting on Newman, Elaine and jealousy, moving furniture, and a tall woman.

Derek and Katy read lines from this Emmy-winning episode and veer off in increasingly large tangents.

TW: Throughout this episode, we do talk about self-harm and suicide. Jerry makes moves on a woman whose boyfriend is in a coma, we discuss the finer points of pre- and post-fast dining and all things paranormal.

Thirty episodes in the bag and we still seem so new to this. We eat some Pez, discuss Pez loading techniques and briefly mention the episode.

The four ride the subway to Coney Island, to the bookies, to a wedding, and to ruin. Derek and Katy discuss future podcast possibilities.

George buys a sweater with a red dot. Derek tries on hats. Katy laughs.

Katy takes a sip of Derek's drink off-mic and it nearly ends the podcast. Derek rates the superhunks. The four get into shenanigans.

The butterfly pea tequilas are flowing, and Derek and Katy discuss parties, cough remedies and whether Mr. Long Island got what Jerry paid for.

We say penis 13 times and discuss aliases and Audrey/Aubrey/Marjorie's nose job.

A mysterious woman leaves a saucy message on Jerry's tape recorder, George wears a cowboy hat and Derek takes off a sock.

Derek thinks we should have lost this episode, Katy steals lines and forgets her own, Elaine and George have a caper and Jerry is nice?

The four lose the car. The four find the car. We're calling them the four now.

We talk sexy book recommendations, the rise and fall of the wedgie, and the many many guests stars of this fine episode.

Jerry minds a dog, George and Elaine find that they are friends-in-law, and that's about it.

We hit up The Pines of Mar Gables Phase II, visiting Morty and Helen Seinfeld to talk about pens and abutments.

Derek and Katy talk hoodies, Drag Race, Instagram, and eventually about this episode, which is about what it deserves.

George and Jerry get massages, Derek explains a preference and Katy gets a surprise.

George gets someone fired, Elaine's room is a flea market, Derek knocks out a friend's teeth, and Katy already bought you a bus ticket.

Let's order from the Chinese food restaurant, let's order from the Greek food restaurant, let's order from the Thai food restaurant.

George keeps a shirt and some feelings for too long, and Russian caricatures crash a nighttime baby shower.

Just like popcorn and beer, Jerry and Elaine do not belong together. Warning: This episode mentions sex. *gasp!*

If George wanted ice cream so badly, why did he throw it away? Elaine's tongue gets some attention. Bonus ASMR for the weirdos.

George rage quits, Elaine schemes, Jerry loses money, Kramer washes concrete, Derek discusses underwear and Katy silently searches for a book. TW: Please skip from around 9 minutes to after 10 to avoid discussion of suicide.

Inka dink a bottle of ink, the cork fell out and this episode stinks. Seinfeld's, not ours.

George wears a redding wing to attack women, Jerry doesn't want Elaine cramping his style, and we debate what mousse is for.

George leaves terrible phone messages. We focus on the stuffing chocolate in your bra and hat parts and less on the other parts.

How much was the jacket? Why didn't Jerry try to fix it? Why can't we figure out which way is up or down on the microphone gain?

Jerry offends a nice old lady, plays daytime ball and we show our appreciation for Ginuwine and Evgeni Plushenko. www.youtube.com/watch?v=wMIErbpN_ys

Jerry dates George's annoying ex-girlfriend and we rank melons, no pun intended.

Jerry and George get a hot stock tip, a bunch of awkward situations happen, and it wraps up in a tidy 23 minutes.

Jerry tries to break up with a friend, and we plan a fun night out next Wednesday. Or is it this Wednesday?

We barely discuss this dud of an episode, and go on a tangent about roommates, theft, and defunct restaurants.

Video stores, paying by cheque, shoulder pads and mild stalking. Ah, the 90s. Katy and Derek talk about Episode 2 of Seinfeld.

We begin the series for real, discussing the pilot episode, "The Seinfeld Chronicles". What happened to the dog?

Derek and Katy introduce themselves, talk a bit about why they are doing a Seinfeld podcast, and argue a little!