“Ultraviolet” Podcast Movie Review

Ultraviolet (2006; Kurt Wimmer) – Dare Daniel Podcast Episode 40

“It’s an assault on your eyes, on your intelligence, on your ears.”

Sarcastic hæmophage Daniel Barnes and Vice-podcaster Corky McDonnell use their unique blend of gun-kata criticism to review Kurt Wimmer’s Ultraviolet.

The film stars Milla Jovovich as a super-vampire who fights special effects in front of a green screen.  With a visual aesthetic that recalls a 1998 screensaver and a script penned by Google Translate, the film is either admirably unwatchable, contemptuously unwatchable or Vice-unwatchable.  Whatever the case, it’s unwatchable.

Although Ultraviolet gushes backstory, the film never makes any sense.  It’s an entirely fake-looking and fake-sounding turd-pile of gun-dance battles, katana fights, floating heads, holograms and clones.  All that nonsense to serve a story that links medical science with fascism.

Elsewhere, the hosts discuss gravity levelers, LinkedIn profiles for assassins, disposable phones and Will-Fi the Science Guy.

ULTRAVIOLET FACTS AND FIGURES

U.S. theatrical release date: March 3, 2006

Domestic box office: $18.5 million (production budget: $30 million)

Critic scores: 9 on Rotten Tomatoes; 18 on Metacritic

This week’s craft beer: Lead Dog Brewing’s Take 2 Crushable Hazy IPA (5.8% ABV)

This week’s Darer: Marco Cabodi

Why did Marco dare Daniel and Corky to watch Ultraviolet?  “Nonsensical Milla Jovovich action vehicle that alternates between incredibly ambitious and incomprehensibly stupid.  It’s an amazing mix of everything being almost not as awful as it is.  It’s admirably unwatchable.”

IMDB synopsis: “A beautiful hæmophage infected with a virus that gives her superhuman powers has to protect a boy in a futuristic world, who is thought to be carrying antigens that would destroy all hæmophages.”

This week’s referenced movies: Cutthroat Island; Birth; Equilibrium; Sphere; The Recruit; Law Abiding Citizen; Salt; Total Recall (2012); Point Break (2015); The Matrix franchise; Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Family Reunion; 16 Blocks; Eight Below; Captain Marvel; A Clockwork Orange; Sin City; Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow; Spy Kids franchise; The Spirit; 300; Spider-Man: Into the Spider-verse; Fargo; I Am Legend; Ronin; Sleepaway Camp; Heat; the Blade franchise; Kill Bill: Vol. 1; Little Shop of Horrors (1986); Gotti; the Resident Evil franchise; The Messenger; Dazed and Confused

Ratings for Ultraviolet: Daniel – Double Dare; Corky – Double Dare

RELATED CLIPS

Original theatrical trailer for Ultraviolet

A typically unwatchable fight scene

The unusually unwatchable motorcycle chase scene

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