Are they a Narcissist or Just Struggling?

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Have you ever caught yourself wondering, "I think they’re toxic... but maybe not?" You know you don’t always like how you feel around them. Maybe some of their actions have been downright hurtful, but you’re still unsure if they truly qualify as “toxic.”

These days, the word toxic gets thrown around almost as much as narcissist. It’s tempting to slap a label on someone whose behavior feels off, but before you jump to conclusions, let’s dig a little deeper.

In this post, we’ll uncover the unmistakable signs of a truly toxic person, explore whether their behaviors stem from toxicity or struggles, and examine traits that mimic toxicity but come from entirely different roots.

Let’s Start with an Analogy: Relationships Are Like Shoes

Think of relationships like shoes.

Some shoes are a perfect fit—they support and comfort you, allowing you to walk confidently no matter where life takes you. Then, there are shoes that just don’t fit—no matter how much you try to break them in. They pinch, rub, and leave blisters.

It’s easy to label these shoes as “bad,” but are they really? Or are they just the wrong fit for your foot—or maybe even the wrong shoe for the occasion?

Some shoes are your go-to favorites—you reach for them instinctively because they always deliver. Others sit in the back of your closet, gathering dust. You like them in theory, but every time you try them on, you’re reminded why you never wear them. And then, there are the shoes so painful, you wouldn’t wish them on anyone.

Relationships are much the same. Some people “fit” your life perfectly. Others might be a mismatch—okay in certain contexts but not for the long haul. And then, there are the truly toxic relationships that cause harm no matter how you look at them.

So, how do we know the difference?

Universally Toxic Traits We Can All Agree On

There are just some traits everyone can agree are toxic—like a pair of shoes that might look pretty but leave you limping after a short time.

If someone exhibits the following behaviors, it’s not subjective; they’re harmful to everyone:

• Verbal abuse
• Manipulation
• Chronic lying
• Secrecy
• Selfishness
• Chronic negativity
• Dismissiveness
• Vindictiveness
• Disrespect
• Explosive anger
• Exploitative behaviors

Even the Bible, in 1 Timothy 3, tells us to avoid people with such traits. These behaviors infect relationships, creating destruction and pain.

Why Do We Stay in Toxic Relationships?

If these traits are so clearly harmful, why do so many of us stay? Why don’t we run?

The answer might be more complicated than it seems.

Sometimes, we see something else within these individuals that makes us question our perception. Or, we might mistake certain behaviors as toxic when they’re actually coming from unresolved pain or struggles rather than an inherently toxic nature.

What’s Really Going On Beneath the Surface?

Before we label someone as toxic, we have to ask: What’s going on beneath the surface? Theirs—and yours.

Everyone comes into relationships with “defaults”—cultural norms, personality traits, past experiences, and wounds. For example, assertiveness might feel like confidence to one person but aggression to someone who’s been bullied. Sarcasm might feel playful to some but cutting to others.

Your own “surface”—the way you react, interpret, and label others—can r