Sorry not sorry: Why you shouldn’t apologize for your kid

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In this episode of In It, hosts Gretchen Vierstra and Rachel Bozek welcome Christina Cipriano, PhD, MEd. Dr. Chris is a psychologist, and an associate professor at the Yale University Child Study Center. She is also the author of Be Unapologetically Impatient, which comes out this summer.

Dr. Chris has four children, including a daughter who has ADHD and sensory challenges and a son with a rare, regressive disease. She has given a lot of thought to the idea of apologizing when you have nothing to be sorry for. 

What can we say instead of “I’m sorry”? And what do we do when others say they’re sorry to us, just because something in our lives is a challenge? Dr. Chris has helpful tips for many of these scenarios. 

Related resources

• What families wish you knew about learning disabilities
• Tips from an ADHD coach: Saying sorry too much
• Why I stopped saying “sorry” as a mom (and started saying “no”)
• What to write in an email to your child’s teacher
• Need help advocating for your kid at school? We talk to a pro
• What is self-advocacy? 

Timestamps

(1:43) The problem with the words “I’m sorry”

(7:35) What is a deficit frame?

(11:42) Alternatives to “I’m sorry”

(19:54) More alternatives for apologizing

(21:11) Teaching our kids to be unapologetic

(23:42) Starting with “thank you”

(24:46) The science of it all

For a transcript of this episode and more resources, visit the episode page on Understood.org.

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Understood.org is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences, like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at understood.org/give