19 Healing from Losses, Healing with Grief

Episode 19:  Healing from Losses, Healing with Grief

June 8, 2020

Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis:  Carpe Diem, where you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview.   We are going beyond mere resiliency, to rising up to the challenges of this pandemic and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before.  I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski your host and guide, with Souls and Hearts at soulsandhearts.com.  Thank you for being here with me.  This is episode 19, Healing from Losses, Healing with Grief, released on June 8, 2020.  And in this episode we really get into how do we heal?  How do we move through our losses and heal?

Story Time

Remember the story of Richard and Susan from Episode 17?  Let’s catch up with them and see how they are doing.  Now Richard and Susan have been married 28 years, and their three sons are 27, 25, and 23 years old, and all have moved out of the home and are very busy with their lives.  

Richard is 61 years old and is somewhat emotionally reserved – he was introverted, and didn’t talk a lot about feelings.  He is not that interested in religion, but usually attends Sunday Mass with Susan. He had risen in management at his international engineering firm, eventually leading a team of six in joint venture in artificial intelligence with a foreign company.   When that joint venture ended abruptly due to the other firm stealing intellectual property, and the coronavirus lockdowns happened, Richard was laid off.  With the worsening economic environment, it’s unlikely he will return to that position.  He is struggling with identity issues now, as he has been so invested in his work for so many years. After the layoff he initially kept himself busy with home projects and tinkering with go karts, but lately he has been much more withdrawn and spent much more time distracting himself on the internet, and also experimenting with day-trading stocks.  

Susan is 60, she is more extroverted, much more emotionally expressive with a wide circle of friends and acquaintances.  Susan is eagerly awaiting grandchildren now that her oldest son has married.  She had been hoping that with her husband home from work and their sons moved out, they would renew their relationship, but there is more distance than ever.  Susan has been troubled by the emotional distance in her marriage for the last 25 years, and doesn’t know what to do about it, and for several years there has been almost no physical closeness.  This is more acute for her now, that her social activities and connections have been curtailed by the social distancing restrictions.  

Twenty years ago, Susan experienced a real deepening of her faith and she began to practice it more seriously, with a regular prayer life an occasional daily Mass and regular confession.  She had a scare with breast cancer five years ago from which she recovered.  She continues to be in high demand as a professional translator in Spanish and Italian.   She has been deeply worried upon finding out two weeks that the first case of the coronavirus has been confirmed at her mother’s assisted living facility.  Now her 87 year old mother has shortness of breath, a fever, fatigue and a cough.  Now her mother’s health is failing rapidly as they wait for the results of a COVID-19 test.  Susan also recently discovered a pornographic pop up window on her husband’s home office desktop.   She asked her husband about it, but he said it was nothing.   

Quick review from episode 17, where we made clear some definitions.  

Loss: deprived of a real, tangible good.  Something good is taken from us – it can be the loss of an actual good, or a potential good.

Grief is our individual experience of loss –Grief is our reaction to the loss.  It’s our experience of the loss.  Psychological, physical, behavioral, emotional.   

Mourning is a public expression of our grief, it’s what we show to others.  Mourning is how we show our grief.  

For Richard

            Loss – loss of job, loss of income, loss of identity, confronting aging and physical decline (no more go-karting, too hard on the body)

            Grief – Six stages:  Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance, Making Meaning

expressed through increased activity initially, seeking distractions through focusing attention (excitement of day trading), seeking comfort in increased pornography use, emotional and physical withdrawal, numbing negative emotions

Mourning – façade of being unaffected, brushing off attempts at connection, consolation

For Susan:

            Loss – Loss of mother, loss of trust in her husband, loss of illusions about marriage

            Grief – Six stages:  Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance, Making Meaning

crying, sadness, anger at husband (sense of betrayal), body image issues (sexually undesirable) regret over lost time, “wasting her life” in the marriage, accepting her husband as he is and loving him anyway.  Concentration difficulties.  

            Mourning – sharing with friends, bereavement group, letter to Mom, writing poetry, prayer, reading, 

Helpful tips

1.       Remember that any loss that God permit is a gift.  He only permits losses to provide a greater good to the one who grieves.  We may not see that – we may only see it in a conceptual, intellectual way, and not feel it.  But our feelings do not dictate reality, and they don’t always reflect reality.  Romans 8:28.  All things work together for good, for those who love the Lord.  If we can conceptualize losses as gifts, we can look for the gift in spite of the grief, in spite of the pain.  

2.      Feel the pain of the grief.  Allow yourself to feel it.  Accept your emotions, whatever they are.  Don’t pack it away in amber.  This is what Richard originally tried to do – just wanted to move on with life, considered retirement, porn use to help him feel better, have a sense of control.  

a.       Allow the time for grief – packed schedule  -- Susan cut back her work schedule.  

b.      Allow for not understanding – when you are grieving you may not understand and that’s ok.  – relief comes not from understanding and knowing, but from confidence, trust, and relational connection.  Think of little kids.  

3.      Share the grief with someone you trust– a friend, friend, family member, counselor, confessor – talk about the losses.  Susan’s friend Valerie – listened to her.  

a.       Particularly important to share this grief in prayer.  With God.  With Mary, or with another saint.  Guardian angel.  Share it and listen.  

b.      Providential view.  We may not unde...