No One Can Know About This: A Podcast Where We Play Every Final Fantasy

Spencer Crittenden is still with us as we search the world for the Ocean Chocograph, looking for areas of ocean that you can see a piece of reef from. Then we upgrade our bird and find Chocobo’s Paradise. After that, we crack open Mognet Central. Also, the food continues to cook.

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While Spencer Crittenden is at the store picking up the forgotten stock, we search the world, acquiring chocographs and their treasures. The food also continues to cook.

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It’s the beginning of Thanksgiving day on the podcast. We play some hot and cold, getting as many chocographs as we can. Then Spencer Crittenden joins us, and we talk about video games while we begin preparing the meal.

Corn Casserole Recipe:

2 cans creamed style corn

1 can southwest style corn or “mexicorn,” drained (you can add a second can of roasted style corn or normal corn to make it more corny)

8oz box of jiffy corn muffin mix

8 oz sour cream

1 egg

1-2 teaspoons of Salt and a bunch of pepper

1 tablespoon sugar

(about a half of 1 jalapeno, hot pepper, or a tablespoon of hot sauce optional)

(You can swap in a cup or two of fresh corn for canned corn but not the creamed style corn)

(I haven’t noticed much of a difference but you can add half a stick to a full stick of butter and honestly probably up to 2 sticks, salted or unsalted)

Make sure the corn is drained, melt the butter, and then mix basically everything together in a big mixing bowl, order doesn’t really matter. Combine, pour into a 13x9 casserole dish/glass pan and bake for like 1 hour at 350F, check after 40 minutes. It should set and get little cracks or bubble holes in it like a cake. The top sets kinda like a corn bread but the inside will be much wetter like a stuffing or bready casserole. 

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We dig around in Chocobo’s Lagoon for a while, turning up chocographs and softs. Then we search the world for treasures, running into some difficulties.

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We finally embark on the big hot and colding, pecking around in the Chocobo Forest looking for Chocographs. Then we start scouring the world, looking for the treasure, before getting gassed and waking up in Chocobo’s Dreamworld.

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With the airship in hand, we travel the world looking for what side quests are out there. Eventually, we find the city of Daguerreo, where the scholars live in peace with a Leviathan statue.

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We meet Hilda who finally turns Cid back into a human. Then she gives us the rundown of what to do next. We take a quick trip to Alexandria to find Dagger’s voice, and fly the drone around for a while before finally getting control of the airship.

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We explore the Lost Continent, looking for Esto Gaza. We find the ancient temple, but how did anyone even get here? Then we head into the dungeon of Mount Gulug, looking for Kuja. Will Mog sacrifice herself to save Eiko?

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We fuel up on ramen, then take on the Desert Palace as Vivi. There are a lot of torches to light before we confront Kuja and blow up his lies. Then we chase him to the Lost Continent and end for the day.

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We travel the Forgotten Continent, searching for Oeilvert. Eventually, we enter the ancient ruin, where we discover a few secrets of the universe. Then we try to steal a key from a caged monster.

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We grind our way around the world trying to eat everything in sight. Eventually, we enter the desert palace under the quicksand. Kuja wants us to get the Gulug stone, and flies us to the Forgotten Continent.

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Come hang out with us during this “intermission” type episode. We will return to playing FFIX next week, but for now, we investigate our life while melting our brain by watching hours and hours of youtube.

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We eat sandwiches, then give Cid the special potion. Then we’re given a boat, which we use to explore the world finally.

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We all wake up in Lindblum and pick up the pieces after Alexandria was destroyed. Dagger is speechless, and we need to turn Cid back into a human.

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We win a card tournament in Treno, then head back to Alexandria for the big coronation. Will Garnet’s ascension to queen go off without a hitch? Nope.

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We witness a farce involving a love letter being passed around, get drunk to forget Dagger, then decide to head to Treno for a card tournament. It’s active time events galore as the stage continues to get set for disk 3. Also, Vivi grew up near Treno.

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It’s day 7 of gameplay and disk 3 of the game! We’re back in Alexandria, and everyone is picking up the pieces after the big finale of disk 2. Having come full circle, we wander around the streets as Vivi, mostly racing a hippo kid.

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It’s the big showdown with Kuja and Queen Brahne at the Iifa Tree. A lot of stuff goes down before the end of disk 2. Then we set the stage for disk three before ending for the day.

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We go back to Madain Sari and find the Summoner’s Stone has been taken by Lani. There’s a competition between the bounty hunters. We let Amarant live and it blows his mind.

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We head to the Iifa Tree and explore its roots. This place must be the source of the mist. Is this a tree of life? Or a tree of death? It’s a giant harp.

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We explore Madain Sari and learn about the tribe of the summoners. Will we make enough food for the party? Where is Quina?

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It’s the start of day 6. We make breakfast, then try to find the missing mail in the Black Mage Village, before eventually arriving at Madain Sari. We also try Gros Michel bananas.

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We explore the Black Mage Village, where things get really sad and dark. Then we go back to Conde Petie for a quick marriage ceremony. We meet Eiko, then decide to end for the day.

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We finally make it to Conde Petie where we struggle intensely with the local dialect. There are a few active time events before heading out to find the Black Mage Village

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We continue forward, getting Quina back in the party and heading through the Fossil Roo to get to the Outer Continent. Will we find the hidden moogle? It’s the Gargant dungeon.

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It’s a big cursed replay episode, as we go back to get the video we missed. Get ready for sandwiches, speeding through the game, and a little Jerry Garcia.

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We solve Ramuh’s reading comprehension puzzle, so he agrees to become Dagger’s Eidolon. Then we watch in horror as Queen Brahne destroys Lindblum. How could she have done this?

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It’s the big return to Alexandria. We gotta rescue Dagger before Brahne beheads her. Will we make it in time? It’s the return of the timer. 30 minutes on the clock.

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We fail to find bananas. Then we dance the ancient dance of Darude’s Sandstorm. Then the tornado disappears, and we’ve got to defend Cleyra from an attack.

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We start day 4 by getting tense about breakfast and going to the supermarket. Then we explore Cleyra, making our way up the trunk and eventually fighting an antlion.

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We talk to Dr. Tot, who shows us the Gargan Roo, which takes us back to Alexandria Castle. Then we pick up with Zidane and company, who head toward the city of Cleyra.

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We enter the Dark City of Treno, and begin active time eventing our way around, looking for supersoft. Eventually, we meet Dr. Tot.

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It’s day 3! We check out a GameFan magazine, make breakfast, talk about bad restaurant ideas, and then we stop off in Dali before finally reaching Treno.

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The team finally makes it to Burmecia, the City of Eternal Rain. The place is completely destroyed, with Freya’s people decimated. Then we confront General Beatrix and Queen Brahne herself, who’s hanging out with a mysterious man named Kuja.

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It’s time to take on Gizamaluke’s Grotto, on the way toward Burmecia. The place is overrun with black mages and bell doors. Is Vivi one of these evil puppets? Who can say.

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Slowly making our way toward Gizamaluke’s Grotto, we get side tracked by grinding, Chocobo Hot and Cold, and frog catching in the Marsh.

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Burmecia is under attack. We must go there with Freya to save the city! But Dagger has other plans. Then we fart around on the world map, playing with a puzzle ball and reflex ball.

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We continue exploring the grand city of Lindblum. We find our old Tantalus hideout, chase around an actor named Lowell, go out on a ledge with Dagger, and finally participate in the Festival of the Hunt. Can we beat the great hunter, Freya?

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We make it to the grand city of Lindblum, and meet the Cid of this game. He’s been turned into a bug. We explore the big city, and meet Zidane’s old friend Freya. Then we learn about the festival of the hunt.

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It’s day 2, and we start out by making breakfast, a twist on Matty Matheson’s bologna bowl. Ryan brings the legendarily bad player’s guide, so we dive into that nonsense. Then we finally get out of the town of Dali, sailing an airship through South Gate while fighting off a Black Waltz.

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We make it to the town of Dali, and get hit by a series of Active Time Events. Why is everyone so interested in Vivi? What’s the deal with this cat? Why does this game want to stop us so much? Vivi gets kidnapped, then we end the night and open Brentt’s gifts.

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We take on the Ice Cave, which is completely overrun with ice. After fighting the Black Waltz 1, we find Final Fantasy school number 2. Also, Jeff makes slider sandwiches.

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It’s time to find the princess and escape the Evil Forest. We kill the mother Rosebug, which causes everything including Blank to get completely petrified. Outside Evil Forest, the gang takes stock of their situation. We hit Final Fantasy school part 1, then finally have our first real walk around on the world map.

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The crew of Tantalus continues the consensual kidnapping of Princess Garnet during the big annual performance of “I Want to Be Your Canary”. There’s stage fights on stage fights, and no one knows what’s real, especially Steiner. Then it’s time for the daring escape, which will go off with plenty of hitches. Also, we try a box of exotic bananas.

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It’s finally time to play Final Fantasy IX! In the Kingdom of Alexandria, we meet an ensemble of disparate characters, all excited to see or perform in the big play “I Want to Be Your Canary”. Can Zidane and the ragtag crew of Tantalus impress Queen Brahne while executing a secret mission to kidnap Princess Garnet? Will there be any dramatic twists along the way? What’s Vivi’s deal? It’s a wild and whimsical opening for series creator Hironobu Sakaguchi’s final hurrah, and the last mainline Final Fantasy to be released for the Playstation 1.

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It’s time to pregame. Get hyped with us to start a gigantic adventure as we prepare to begin playing Final Fantasy IX! We’ve got cameras on our heads this season, so we recorded the morning of the first play session, from waking up to starting the game. We’re finally back. We’ve missed you all.

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It’s time to go beat this game! We see the big finale of FF8 and then decompress from an insane experience.

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We restart and take on Ultimecia’s Castle. Then we try our hand at Omega weapon, and decide to beat this game.

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Disk 4 opens with a boss fight against Adel, and then hold onto your hats cause it’s time for time compression. Turns out Ultimecia’s Castle is full of bosses and puzzles.

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We do all the final preparations for the finale and head to the end of disk 3! It’s time to confront Seifer, y’know?

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It’s time to take on the mobile deep sea research facility! Behind Bahamut lies a puzzle of steam. And behind that is one of the superbosses! Join us for some endgame fun.

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First we slash our achilles heel. Then we do the Obel Lake side quest, which is a delight. Then we try to get Squall’s ultimate weapon.

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We begin by grinding on Cactaur Island and deciding what’s left in the game that we want to do. Then we go to Shumi Village to help them finish a statue.

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It’s time to get back to the story. We save Rinoa and hug, hear Odine’s story, then hear Laguna’s story! Things are wrapping up fast and not getting any less insane. We hear the plan for the finale, then grab the Solomon Ring and assemble Doomtrain.

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We set out to assemble the secret GF Doomtrain! Our quest takes us all the way from Grandidi Forest to Adamantine Beach, spending some good time on Cactaur Island along the way.

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Getting sidetracked on sidetracks, we find a town where a man is missing a vase. So we find all the vase pieces and help him reassemble it. Then we go fight a Jumbo Cactaur and try to kill Bahamut.

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It’s time to go get Rinoa back from Esthar so we decide to travel the world looking for side quests. We go to Shumi Village and get a quest to find some stones, then try to get rid of random, and eventually wind up at a deep sea research facility.

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It’s time to clear out the Ragnarok of an alien infestation, then have a romantic re-entry into the atmosphere. It turns out Rinoa is a sorceress, so she decides to let Esthar imprison her, so we let that happen and meet back up with the team to find out how we’re going to save Rinoa from Esthar.

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Rinoa frees the old Sorceress right as the Lunar Cry happens. Monsters fall to Earth. Rinoa gets lost in space. Will Squall save her? Is it time for hugs?

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Squall is in space, so we take Zell and Edea to hop on the Lunatic Pandora! But that doesn’t go as planned, so we cut back over to Squall and finally begin questioning Ellone.

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We set out to find the Lunar gate, and discover what direction is east. Esthar is a complicated city to explore.

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We make it to Esthar, and all pass out to see another Laguna dream. A bunch of important concepts get introduced very suddenly. Welcome to the third act.

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We finally make it to the White Seed Ship, and then set a course for Esthar. But first we do a few side quests. Then we find out how to set a course for Esthar.

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We go get the quest to find the White Seed Ship, but on the way we find an ancient ruin full of secrets. So we get ourselves a couple new girlfriends.

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We enter the private card room in Dollet to get the Siren card. Then we search the world aimlessly because the game is confused about what we should do next. Eventually, we have another dream.

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Disk 3 begins and we go find Cid and Edea to demand some answers we will never get. Then we try to abolish the scourge of Random, and run into a few sidequests.

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We take the fight to Galbadia Garden in the big disk 2 finale! It’s finally time to fight Seifer, and then, it’ll finally be time to fight Seifer.

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The battle of the gardens begins and the kids have plans for Squall’s ring. Can we save the hot dogs? Will we survive this onslaught? They’ve got motorcycles and mech suits. We don’t even use our hoverboards.

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It’s a new day, and it’s time to wander the world again. We search the school for Cid, but can’t find him. Then we start a pandemic, find a chocobo forest, and make chicken fried steak again.

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We get Selphie in the party and head for Trabia Garden, where it’s time for the big orphanage scene. This has been going on all this time? I’m going insane. And then we find the random rule. Man.

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We go to Balamb and try to find the Captain and Commander. We discuss cookie biscuits, try a new flavor of dog toothpaste, follow a rotting fish smell, and eventually find Fujin and Raijin.

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It’s finally time to make chicken fried steak. Ryan shotguns a La Croix, we discuss daylight savings, Selphie goes missing, and then we drive the school around the world aimlessly, avoiding what to do next.

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We continue walking around FH talking to people. Then, it’s time for the… garden festival? Pretty sure this is the garden festival.

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After crashing into their city, we explore FH and meet Mayor Dobe. Will we bring violence to this town? And if we do, will violence then also solve our problems? Also, where the hell are Selphie, Quistis, and Irvine?

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We go to question Cid, but his answers leave us with more questions. Then we give Ellone to Edea’s SeeDs, and crash into a sea town.

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Now that it’s time to relax, we can go find Master Norg, who is in the basement. Norg has some insane stuff to say before we kill him. Then we make Funyun Pie, so stick around for the dessert on this one.

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We return to Balamb Garden and did we miss something? Because there’s a civil war going on at the school. Who the hell is Master Norg? Don’t find out this week!

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It’s time to take on the missile base and set the error ratio, but before that we touch the magic lamp in our pocket and fight a Diablos. Will the menus kill Ryan? Find out this week.

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We explore this prison looking for an escape, but there are guys offering items if you beat them in cards. We make our way to the bottom, then to the top, then to the bottom again, then back to the top, only to have to go back to the bottom again, and much like real prison, we feel like we’ll probably die in here.

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We begin disk 2 with a Laguna dream, where he’s taking care of a small town and a girl named Ellone. He does some random encounters, and that’s about it. Then we all wake up in prison, and begin taking our sweet ass time trying to break out.

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It’s the big finale of disk 1! The Sorceress is in town, and it’s our job to assassinate her. But we’re just a bunch of teenagers, so we completely fuck this mission up.

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We need to enter the General’s mansion, but in order to do that, we’ve got to find an ID number off of a dead student who tried to take on a nearby dungeon. So we grab the ID, and attempt the dungeon ourselves.

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The week begins with a Laguna dream where they take on a dungeon. Then Squall and the gang make it to Galbadia Garden, where the angst factor reaches new heights.

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We make it to Timber and explore the town, looking for the TV station, but we’re going to need to solve some puzzles to get there. Eventually, we make it to the TV station just in time for Seifer to crash the President’s broadcast.

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It’s time to assist the Forest Owls with their plan to steal the president in his train car. How long does the briefing before the mission need to be? Too long. That’s how long it needs to be.

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We explore more of the school, meet the cafeteria lady, and then get sent on a mission to Timber. But on the train ride there, we all pass out and dream of a few guys who sucked at being soldiers 17 years ago.

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Now that we’ve done our first mission, it’s time to graduate and meet our love interest! But not before exploring Balamb, playing the Queen of Cards, and killing a T-Rexaur.

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It’s time to do the fire cave and meet the rest of our core team! Headmaster Cid sends us on our first big mission, we see the craziest communications tower ever, and get more GFs. The journey has truly begun.

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Join us for an all new adventure into the world of angsty teenagers, as we play Final Fantasy VIII! A baffling opening cut scene sets the tone for an episode full of tutorials. Will we ever get out of this computer terminal and actually start this game? Find out now!

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Welcome to a whole new season of No One Can Know About This! We played Final Fantasy VIII, and can’t wait to share the journey with you all. Join us for a pregame episode as we set the scene and get stymied trying to begin playing the game. We’ll get going properly on the game next week, so for now, come eat chicken burgers with us and get excited for the most Final Fantasy Final Fantasy of them all!

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Season finale! Welcome to a new type of show, with segments like “Talkin’ Lures” and “Handing Ryan Some Bait”! We rented a boat and some poles and headed out onto Santa Ana River Lakes for a day of fishing! It’s time to put away childish things. It’s time to experience life.

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We find the secret dungeon in Phin Castle and get the White Mask! Then we head to Mysidia to save Minh and unseal Ultima. But, the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.

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We go back to talk to Hilda, but she’s acting strangely! The real Hilda is being kept in a prison under a colosseum, so we go fight for the Emperor’s pleasure, but he catches us and throws us in prison. Then we escape and take back Phin Castle! It’s an action packed episode! Also, we read some choice internet comments.

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It’s time for Castle Dist and the Hiryuus! We look for some royalty free music, die a lot, and discuss getting involved in the chonk community.

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We meet Layla who sabotages us, so we take her ship, but then we ask her to join us cause why not. Then we make it to the Tropical Cave to find an item we don’t know we need yet. We spend some time leveling, learn a lesson we hadn’t learned in a while, and rant about Fallout 76.

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We take on the Warship, do some meditation, discuss Picard, watch Booty Call, and wind up having a great moment in gaming! Also, a few fun facts to tell your kids.

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We get Gordon and start leveling him so we can take on Kashoun Keep. We talk some more about a world where dogs have hands, get the Sunflame, and then try to get to the Chocobo Forest…

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It’s time to learn how to properly level up in this game, which is mentally taxing. Some people let themselves onto Jeff’s patio, we discuss a world where dogs have hands, and then we try to take down Kashoun.

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We take on the Ice Cave and get the Goddess Bell, which lets us go to Kashoun to get the Egil Torch to get the Sunflame so we can use the Pass to destroy the Warship. We meet Gordon, who we already forgot, so we assume he’s some random guy that sucks at fighting.

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It’s day 2 of play and we gotta get the Pass to get onto the Warship. But then we find out we need to get the Goddess Bell to get the Egil Torch to carry the Sunflame so we can then use that Pass to get onto the airship. And so we talk to Josef who says we actually need the Sled first before all of that. So we head back to the Semite Cave so we can enter the Ice Cave.

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We check out the extremely slow moving world map and begin exploring the area with a bunch of towns! We meet Cid, experiment with a Sodastream, and read a calendar of nice Jewish guys! Also we go to the Semite Cave to get the Mithril.

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We begin reading about the insane depths this game’s leveling system will take us to. We didn’t talk to everyone twice, so we explore around and get shut down at every turn. Will this be what the whole game will be like? Kinda, but not exactly.

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Jeff and Ryan played Final Fantasy VII Remake, and wanted to get their thoughts out about this incredible new game! Go watch our full unedited playthrough on youtube at https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLvxtcd3Vzn3281Iptzu56Oj_mtxVR5ruL or on twitch at https://www.twitch.tv/collections/QZhrRBnuAxZy5A, or just listen to what we think here!

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Welcome to the bonus series "Chocobetting"! Originally released for patreon subscribers, we wanted to bridge the gap between seasons and allow those listeners in our main feed enjoy it too! We had a few great guest over the four episodes we've made, so please... enjoy!

It's the season (or series) finale of Chocobetting! We invited our good friend, as well as creator and star of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Rachel Bloom to be completely baffled by betting on Chocobos! We ordered food from a deli! We had a really fun conversation! Come hang out.

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Welcome to the bonus series "Chocobetting"! Originally released for patreon subscribers, we wanted to bridge the gap between seasons and allow those listeners in our main feed enjoy it too! We had a few great guest over the four episodes we've made, so please... enjoy!

It’s the third in our totally intermittent bonus series, Chocobetting! We invited our good friend Eric Wheeler over to bet on Chocobo races and apparently talk a lot about movies and shit. Come hang out!

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Welcome to the bonus series "Chocobetting"! Originally released for patreon subscribers, we wanted to bridge the gap between seasons and allow those listeners in our main feed enjoy it too! We had a few great guest over the four episodes we've made, so please... enjoy!

It’s Chocobetting #2! This time we welcome good friend Spencer Crittenden (creator of the excellent animated D&D show Harmonquest on VRV as well as game master on Harmontown) to bet on chocobo races and make spam sandwiches. Come hang out with us as we live our healthiest lives.

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Welcome to the bonus series "Chocobetting"! Originally released for patreon subscribers, we wanted to bridge the gap between seasons and allow those listeners in our main feed enjoy it too! We had a few great guest over the four episodes we've made, so please... enjoy!

It’s an all new intermittent bonus series! Come hang out with us as we invite a friend over to bet on chocobo races. This episode, we invited Ryan’s childhood friend Ricky O’Bannon over to make mashed potato cheeseburgers and bet on some chickens. There will be more episodes of this nonsense in the future.

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It’s the big season 4 finale! We beat Ruby Weapon! We see a cut scene in the Shinra Mansion! Then we finally hit the final dungeon, to settle things with Sephiroth once and for all. Then we reflect and take stock of the enormous journey that was Final Fantasy VII.

Listen to Daniel K’s Let’s plays! https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/daniel-ks-lets-plays/id1247263511?mt=2

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We go back to the Gelnika to finally get this W-summon leveled. Then it’s time to once again face Emerald Weapon. Catharsis is coming.

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It’s time to go back to the Gelnika to level up more. Once we have another mime, we try again to beat Emerald Weapon. You’re so settled at this point, you might be unsettled… but just settle some more please.

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The true grind continues until we level up our materia enough to give Emerald Weapon a try. So we do! Are you settled in yet?

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The true grind begins at the start of a new day. Seriously, settle in.

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We learn the truth of Emerald Weapon’s power, so it’s time to figure out the best way to level. Settle in.

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It’s time to grind out some limit breaks to teach Cloud Omnislash so we can go back to the Battle Square and waste more time getting a Final Attack materia…

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It’s time for Battle Square! How long will it take? How many tissues will wind up in our inventory? W-Summon is 64 thousand battle points???

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It’s a week later, and it’s time to grind. We’re beginning to get to know the Gelnika really well. Just gotta get ready for that battle arena.

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We pack up the cabin and go back to sunny Los Angeles! Where we draw the blinds and continue breeding chocobos. We breed the ultimate chicken and hit the materia caves.

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The breedening begins, and it’s going to take some time. Settle in. It’s the last episode at the cabin.

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We get the normal treasure and head back to Midgar for some final weapons. Then we pick up some quests from the Kalm Traveler. We’re not ready for Emerald Weapon, so we begin the process of understanding Chocobo breeding.

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We fight Ultimate Weapon, who we have to chase all around the map. Then he paves the way to one of the most frustrating jungles in video games. We also finally figure out limit breaks.

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It’s the final day at the cabin so let’s go to the grocery store and load up on necessities! Then we start disk 3 by accidentally entering the final dungeon. So we reset and check out Cosmo Canyon.

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It’s time to head back to Midgar for the big disk 2 finale! Let’s grab a megaphone! Let’s kill everyone in Shinra! Let’s bust open that force field in the north! Join us, as disk 2 comes to an amazingly fun climax.

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It’s the final day at the cabin and Ryan is feeling really sick. We get the key of the ancients! We find someone named Lucrecia in a waterfall! We use the music box of television! Then it’s time to head back to Midgar.

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It’s time to do the pagoda in Wutai and learn about Yuffie’s relationship with her dad! Then we go to sleep, and Ryan wakes up sick. So we start searching underwater.

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We learn the clues we need to find the key of the ancients, but get sidetracked when Yuffie steals all our materia and starts hiding around her hometown! Can we find her? Or an old friend? Or should we just hang out in Turtle’s Paradise with the Turks? It’s Wutime.

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We make it to Rocket Town and finish baking a potato. Then we go to space! We try to blow up the meteor! Will we survive re-entry? Find out this week!

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Cloud is back together, so it’s time to head to Junon and get the huge materia from the underwater reactor! Jeff reads some local articles while Ryan loses to a boss. Then we play a submarine video game.

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It’s time for the big lifestream episode! Can we get the truth from Cloud’s memories? Can we put Cloud’s mind back together? And what is Tifa holding secret? Could this game actually make sense???

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Get ready for a train ride followed by more aimless wandering! Mideel has some good weapons and stuff, so let’s go spend all our money at Fort Condor again. There’s huge materia all over the place. Oh no, WEAPON!

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We take a trip around the world, looking for what to do next! Fort Condor? Chocobo breeding? Huge materia? It could be anything!

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Tifa wakes up from a week long coma, only to be put in a public execution! But Weapon attacks and we escape on an airship! The tyranny of disk 1 is over.

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We challenge the ice cliff and make it to the big reunion! There’s a tornado of insanity at the center of a crater in the north, and everyone’s coming. What will get unleashed here? How bad can Ultimate Destruction Magic really be?

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It’s the start of disk 2! We leave the City of the Ancients and climb up to Snow Town. We learn about Weapon, Professor Gast’s past, and Aeris’s birth! Then we hop on a snowboard and immediately slam into a wall.

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We get the Lunar Harp and unlock the Forest of the Ancients, leading the way to the City of the Ancients. What will happen down here? It is, finally, the end of disk one.

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It’s time to take on the Temple of the Ancients, a dungeon with a ton of crappy, difficult parts! We meet the time guardian, fight a wall, and watch a close friend sacrifice himself for our benefit. Or did he? Find out this week!

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It’s time for a date with Aeris! Let’s participate in a play! Let’s ride a confusing gondola! Let’s get betrayed by the one person we know is working for the bad guys! Also, Jeff gets confused by cartoon logic.

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We need to find the keystone, and some rich guy has it, so we wander the world aimlessly! We find some hidden secrets! We race more chocobos! Come hang out!

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We finally make it to Rocket Town and find the most belligerent spaceship captain you could imagine! Why is he so mean? His dreams were crushed. But he was mean before that too. Anyway, we take off in the Tiny Bronco but get shot down and land in the water. Good thing this airboat floats!

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We make it to Nibelheim and it’s not burned down! We get an invitation to the reunion, so we go into the Shinra mansion and start trying to figure out how to open a safe. Then we look in the basement and find a vampire? Is he a vampire or was he just asleep for 5 years? And where is the reunion anyway? It’s not at the top of the mountain?? It’s not… at the place we were all at together 5 years ago?

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Welcome to Cosmo Canyon, where the secrets of the universe are kept! We meet Bugenhagen, and he teaches us all about Red XIII’s past. Apparently Red’s name was actually Nanaki, and he’s a very old child. His father was a wastrel! Or was he?! Get ready for some TM!

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We find the town of Gongaga, meet the Turks again and find out who they’re shipping for, then finally make it to Cosmo Canyon before ending the night. But wait, there’s more! Join us for breakfast the following morning too!

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Continuing the exploration of the Gold Saucer, we fall deep into a gambling addiction cycle, and eventually get blamed for a massacre. So we get thrown into Corel prison, where Barret has some demons to settle. Demons named Dyne.

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We make it to the Gold Saucer, but don’t have enough money to get in, so it’s grind time. Then we begin the exploration of this ridiculous casino, learning a bit about Barret’s past, meeting a cat riding a Moogle, and playing an arcade game about Moogle reproduction!

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We’re in disguise as Shinra naval officers, hitching a ride to the new world. But Sephiroth or his ghost or something shows up and we have to fight his mom’s arm? Anyway, we make it to beautiful Costa Del Sol and enjoy a wonderful town walkabout.

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Welcome to an intermission. Come eat Sloppy Joe’s with us. It’s a delicious meat sludge! We also discuss the game experience so far, what humanity is up to, and remember a Rodney Dangerfield movie that apparently never existed.

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We finally make it to Junon, a two tier city with poor people on the bottom and military on top. Cloud makes Mr. Dolphin jump for him after performing CPR on a little girl. Then we make it to the parade just in time to mess it all up.

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After making it through the cave and saying hello to the Turks, we discover a tower with a giant bird on top. What is this place? Why do they need our money? Can we help them? Hang on a second… we need to go grind in the woods.

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A new day dawns with a jarring children’s music video that will set the tone for the morning. We eat an extremely unhealthy breakfast, do the dishes, and then get down to business. Can we catch a chicken? What vegetable is the best? Is ChocoBilly a scam artist? The answers to all of these questions are unclear!

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It’s time for the big flashback that explains what this game is all about. Cloud and Sephiroth are in Nibelheim, and Tifa is going to guide them up the mountain to a reactor. But when Sephiroth finds a library full of forbidden knowledge, plans change, and Seph chooses to free Jenova and take over the world or something. So he burns down the village and Cloud goes to confront him. And that’s the end of the story! I’m sure that’s all there is to it too…

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We find the President of Shinra Incorporated is dead! But his son is taking over and he’s even worse. So we escape the building on a motorcycle and a minivan, and finally breathe fresh air for the first time in this game.

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We make our way up through the frustrating puzzle floors of the Shinra building. Who would build a place like this? Working here must suck. Anyway, we eventually find Hojo’s “experiment” on Aeris, and meet Red XIII.

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It’s time to make the big climb from the bottom of society to the absolute top. Can we jump to a bar? Will these stairs ever end? Can we make it to the top? GIVE ME A KEYCARD!

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It’s time to dress Cloud up as a woman and con our way into a “dilettante’s” bedroom. But he’s one step ahead of us with a trap door that leads to a sewer. So we pick ourselves up by the bootstraps and try to stop the Turks from dropping a giant metal plate on the slums. Will we succeed? Find out this week!

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Let’s go grocery shopping and eat breakfast, then start the game! Aeris’s mom wants us to ghost her, so we try to sneak past her bedroom at night… but she catches up to us anyway. We walk through a junkyard, meet a guy who are sick, and finally make it to Wall Market.

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We wake up and head to Final Fantasy school to learn all about save points. Then we blow up another Mako reactor, meet President Shinra, and fight his floor buffer. After that Cloud falls off a bridge, slams through a church roof, and lands directly in Aeris’s heart.

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The epic adventure of Final Fantasy VII begins in a dark cyberpunk city controlled by an evil energy company. Can our group of terrorists blow up their oil rigs? Or will this game be too difficult to navigate? Is that a place we can go? WHERE IS CLOUD ON THIS SCREEN?!?

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Get ready for Final Fantasy VII! Come pregame with us and get drunk on excitement, as we embark on the journey to the journey. We’ll discuss our knowledge of the game going into it, what the plan for the season is, and what foods we should make. Settle in with us, as we drive up to the cabin and prepare for the epic adventure that is Final Fantasy VII.

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Part 2 of the season finale! It’s time to fix the world, defeat this nihilist clown, and reach resolution! Then we look back and take stock of this insane, epic experience that was Final Fantasy VI.

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It’s part 1 of the season finale! We have a final meal before the final dungeon, and then get down to business. But then we remember there’s one last thing to do, so we give ourselves blue balls and finish Strago’s story, before finally, properly, getting down to business.

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Deep into clean up, we’re finally ready to take on the Magic Tower for real. But first we meet Duncan, a guy we thought was dead.

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It’s the big Shadow episode! Will he dream? Are there two Shadows? Or is he just a terrible father? All will be explored!

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Get ready to watch auction after auction after auction. Then we do Owzer’s house of nonsense. Then it’s time to take on the Magic Tower, but are we really ready for that? No, we’re not. But that doesn’t stop us from learning that life is good because it sucks.

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We get all geared up to go do the Magic Tower, but end up sidetracked by accidentally entering the Phoenix Cave. So we get Locke back in the party, and head down under the Figaro Desert, looking for our 100,000 dollar clues.

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On a search for things shaped like dragons, we get sucked into some kind of butthole, which spits us into some kind of cave dungeon. So we explore it and find Gogo. Then it’s time for My Fair Gau, or Pygmalian with Gau… however you want to put it. After that, we entice the Dream Stooges to jump into Cyan’s brain, so we follow them in and try to fix a man who can never be forgiven.

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Come on everyone, it’s time for clotted cream, catfishing, magic towers, moogles, sasquatches and more!

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We enter Figaro Castle and clear out the tentacle monster they had gunking up the engine. Then we find Setzer, who takes us on a very unexpected journey into Darryl’s Tomb. We find actual evidence of personal growth, but who cares about that cause WE GOT A NEW AIRSHIIIIIP!!

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We hope you like Star Trek, cause we wind up on a big diversion about the implications of the replicator this week. We try to find some Final Fantasy to hold onto though, running into Terra, some orphans, and that big bully Phunbaba. Also we meet some guy named Gerad.

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The world has been destroyed, so it’s time to feed an old man some fish. The nightmare ends in tragedy, but the dream now begins. Locke’s alive? Sabin’s alive? Everyone’s fine? We try to save a child from a “collapsing” building, but just can’t escape the fate of the jagged beach.

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Welcome to the floating continent, where Kefka’s plans are finally falling into place. The statues are out of alignment! We must run quickly! Is there time to wait for your friends? Finally find out this week!

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It’s time to go to the floating continent, so of course we do anything and everything but that. We finish sending letters, find a weird island with an encounter we’ll never forget, and then eventually decide to do our duty.

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We meet Strago and Relm, who are living in a town of definitely not wizards. We learn all about fires and the effectiveness of Flames B. Gone. Then we find the images of THE statues, fight an old friend again, and learn how to paint. Then Kefka finally reveals his plans and floats a continent into the sky.

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We ask questions about the mail, have a conversation that should only be had in college, and eat Emperor Gestahl’s Big Goofy Dinner!

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It’s the ultimate flashback episode, as we find out all about Terra’s conception. Then we formulate a new plan, but run into trouble when we can’t decide if a word map is better than a dot map. Eventually we open the sealed gate. Also, plazas.

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A new day dawns and it’s time to go to the Magitek research facility to get wayyyy too many espers. We meet Cid, learn about one way elevators, and end up on a siezurescape minecart ride that we’ll never forget.

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We’ve put on our finest cause it’s time for the Opera! Celes looks just like Maria, so she’s in for an adventure of trying to remember her lines while Locke cries from the balcony. After learning about so many of our characters dark pasts, we finally learn about Jeff’s dark past, and an experience with hubris that he quickly forgot.

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We start the No One Can Know About This time capsule as we enter Zozo, the poor town where everyone is a liar. We learn about a movie pitch that will sadly never be, we find Terra, and we work to solve a clock puzzle that almost destroys us.

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We finally finish the choose your own adventure chapter, which leads to a “decisive battle” in a pachinko machine. We fight way too many guards, beat Kefka for the first time, and then try aimlessly to see if a cutscene exists. Then it turns into a flashback episode as we start to learn about our various dark pasts!