17. Time-Outs Suck

Just because your relationship with your child isn’t perfect doesn’t mean you’re messing up! Kids are lovely, but anyone with a two-year-old knows they can also be chaotic little imps when they see fit. They’re going to push your buttons both by accident or because they’ll know it’s going to push your buttons. For these moments, it’s handy to have consistent, proportional guidelines for helping your little ones understand that they can’t always get away with everything—guidelines that focus on connection before correction In this episode, Jamie lays out a series of steps you should try to follow when your kid is acting out, pointers that will help them understand consequences rather than fear punishment. The Finer Details of This Episode: Two unavoidable facts: your kids will always find ways to act out despite your good parenting, and you will always be emotionally affected by that acting out. It is not a parent’s role to create the perfect human; we are here to guide our children. When your child starts misbehaving, ask yourself if their “emotional gas tank” is full. Looking into the surprisingly recent creation of the “time-out.” Why “punishment” and “consequences” are much more different than we might think, and the reason Jamie prefers the latter. Jamie weighs in on why she thinks time-outs are ineffective at best and alienating at worst. Why neither explosive anger nor dead silence are the best way to respond to a child’s misbehavior. Own your emotions and don’t blame your child when you get angry. How whispering is basically verbal non-violence. Bring yourself down to your child’s physical level when you need to address their acting out so you don’t seem threatening. Consider a “time-in” rather than a “time-out.” How you can use your hands—and even a blanket—to physically regulate their child until they’ve achieved calm again. Make sure that everybody has cooled down before you start helping your child process their emotions. When in doubt, it’s okay to leave. Give your kid only one chance instead of three and don’t be afraid to follow through on a threat to leave. Having a good “mom voice” or “dad voice” can come in very handy for getting your point across. If you do need to issue consequences for poor behavior, ensure they’re immediate and proportionate to the misbehavior.   Quotes: “There are parts to parenting that just get ugly. We are raising freaking humans—and guess what? We’re human too.” “[Children are] always acting crappy for a reason. Behavior is not random.” “Consequences are not punishment and we have to remember that.” “There is some natural shame but we don’t want to ever cover our kids in shame.” “The angrier you are about whatever action your child took, the more you need to take yourself out of the mix.” “Whisper before it escalates.” “All you have to do is follow through a few times and your child’s going to get it.” “We always want to lead with the idea that ‘discipline’ means ‘to teach’.” Links: Good Night Sleep Site - https://goodnightsleepsite.com/ Brené Brown - https://brenebrown.com/ Jamie’s homepage - http://www.jamieglowacki.com/  Oh Crap! Potty Training - https://www.amazon.com/Crap-Potty-Training-Everything-Parenting-ebook/dp/B00V3L8YSU Oh Crap! I Have A Toddler [Get my new book] -  https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Oh-Crap!-I-Have-a-Toddler/Jamie-Glowacki/Oh-Crap-Parenting/9781982109738 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices