38. All Things Tantrums

After my recent Instagram post on the arc of a tantrum received such an overwhelming response, I decided to devote an entire podcast to dissecting all things tantrums, meltdowns, and big feelings. Tantrums are the most intense and send your child into an altered state where you’ll actually wonder if you’ve encountered the devil, whereas meltdowns will make you feel more sad for your poor little one who’s just tired and overwhelmed. Big feelings are a momentary freakout that end just as quickly as they came on. All three can meld and morph into each other, and today I’ll look at what’s normal, what’s not, why tantrums happen, and what we can do about them. Tantrums typically begin developmentally around the 16-month to 3-year mark, and coincide with explosive brain growth that happens during that time. At this age, kids do not yet have the language skills needed to express their thoughts, and tantrums could be caused by something as simple as needing to poop. In today’s episode, I clarify that a few tantrums a week is developmentally appropriate, and explain what to watch out for to determine whether your child’s tantrums are cause for concern (whether they act aggressively, where they are tantruming and with whom, how long they last). I discuss my Go To Your Room strategy to help your child self-regulate while having big feelings, how to fix meltdowns by addressing the root of the problem, and the window of opportunity to distract your child at the beginning of a tantrum. I review the entire arc of a tantrum, what you can do to handle them at each stage, and the importance of letting a tantrum cycle run its course.  Thank you for your patronage, and please visit the links below for more information on my potty training and parenting resources!   The Finer Details of This Episode: The difference between tantrums, meltdowns, and big feelings Tantrums, meltdowns, and big feelings can meld and morph into each other What’s normal and what can we do about tantrums? Oftentimes, tantrums can be caused because of digestive issues or allergies, so please do not jump to conclusions that it is a behavioral issue Most behavioral therapists agree that tantrums are a demand for attention, a demand for something tangible, or an escape from a demand (putting on shoes, leaving the house) Tantrums start developmentally around the 16-month to 3-year mark and it coincides with explosive brain development Language skills are also underdeveloped at that time and they do not have the words to express their thoughts or needs Tantrums after 3.5 years are concerning - they should not be happening regularly beyond ages 4 or 5 Be cautious of brushing off behavior that’s out of the norm, as you child could really be suffering Another marker to look for is whether your child is only tantruming with you versus at daycare, in public, at the playground - across the board If they’re having tantrums only with you, that means they feel safe with you and you’re actually a very good parent Average tantrum should only last between 6 to 12 minutes Using the Go To Your Room strategy for big feelings and reactions so child can self-regulate on their own Be cautious of overstimulation and plan your outings accordingly Keep in mind that everyone is allowed to have a shitty day, even kids At the end, you want to hold your child tight and restore connection - do not process the tantrum If you are concerned about your kid’s tantrum behavior, consult a parenting expert like myself or your pediatrician Links: Jamie’s Homepage - http://www.jamieglowacki.com/ Oh Crap! Potty Training – https://www.amazon.com/Crap-Potty-Training-Everything-Parenting-ebook/dp/B00V3L8YSU Oh Crap! I Have A Toddler -  https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Oh-Crap!-I-Have-a-Toddler/Jamie-Glowacki/Oh-Crap-Parenting/9781982109738 Jamie’s Patreon Page: https://www.patreon.com/join/jamieglowacki?  How To Measure Whether Your Child’s Tantrums Are Normal Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices