Roman Emperors: Totalus Rankium

Ok, he is not the most well known, and yes, he died before his father. But there must be a reason this co-emperor is on all the lists right? Right?

Ever wanted to listen to a Quest Friend Role playing game with Totalus Rankium and Pontifacts in it? Well, here you are!! Recorded a while ago but released for halloween, join us was we go on an adventure! 

More info:

https://www.questfriendspodcast.com/jeff

So the capital is back! The empire is up and running! That Charles fella is gone! So we can only assume that everything will go well from now on... Hang on, why does the money not work anymore?

So we come at last to the last dynasty of the Roman empire. It's been quite a journey, let's hope the final dynasty live up to at least some of the others! In this episode find out about Micael's heroic recapture of Constantinople! 

The Laskaris lot have done alright so far. But how is an 8 year old going to cope in a world full of cut-throat men? Hopefully ok. After all, it is his birthday. And Christmas.

The dynasty is going well. suspiciously so. So well in fact - they are a nat's hair away from gaining the capital back. So is Theodore the one to do it? Or does he hate his Tutor too much to notice?

John has a big task in front of him - the empire has fallen and several men claim to be the Roman Emperor. But who will claim the prize? Can John do it before he dies?

The empoire has fallen! But from the ashes rises one man with a mission: to restore the Empire! Or at least annoy his father in law.

Update on why we have been away and what is happening next. Plus a Q&A session. 

Ho Ho Ho!

Merry Christmas!

As an apology fpr the lack of content, here is a Senate only episode that we are releasing to all. 

TR v P

Who knows their fellow co-host best? 

the second of our two episodes this weekend. This times its the man with a plan to save the empire! Alexios V!

Part 1 of our double feature this weekend, It's Nicholas! Never hear of him? I'm not surprised. Unlike he was to find himself emperor! 

New Alexios! Better than last Alexios? Maybe, maybe not. Listen to find out!

We continue with the story of the best dynasty the Romans ever had. Isaac was a bit useless, yes, but maybe his brother has what it takes?

It's a new dynasty! And let's see just how good the Angel dynasty goes shall we? I'm sure it will be fine. It will won't it? It'll be fine.

Bored of all these sane, competent emperors we have been having lately? Long for the days where an emperor would spit in your eye, jump out the window and steal your wallet and your wife as he fled the city? Fear Not! Andronikos is here!

We are back and we are kicking things off with Alexios II! Nope? Never heard of him? Oh well. Maybe this episode will help. 

Manuel was never supposed to be emperor. He was the forth son. But when fate shoves him into the top job, can he build upon his father and grandfather’s legacy? Or will he watch it burn? Find out!

His father started turning around the ship, leading it to calmer waters. Now John must take the reins (of the ship, they had reins back then) and steady the course. Can he do it? Find out!

We are back, and with the longest Emperor episode yet! Join us as we skim through the insanely busy life of Alexios!

Yes, he is approaching 80, and yes, he has no legitimacy. But who knows? Maybe he is just what the empire needs right now to turn the sinking ship around. If only he could get rid of the couping pigeons...

Now Romanos is gone, Michael has the chance to righten the ship - with the help of his advisors, there will surely be no - whats that? They have been captured? And the money is not working? And the generals are all called Nikepheros and they are all revolting? Ah...

If you know your Roman history, the date of 1071 will mean something. And here we are! However, if like Jamie, you don’t know about 1071: Just how bad can Romanos’ push against the Turks go? Find out!

You wont find Eudocia on many lists, but she deserves to be on them. She may not have ruled long, but she made an impact. Also, we take a brief look into the Seljuk Turks. They may be important in the next few episodes…

Rex Factor have just released an episode on Sulla, so we thought it was the perfect excuse to have a chat with them about the man. We also chat about podcasting in general, worms, the dangers of squash and we play the ever popular ‘How well to you know your co-host’

Isaac is dead and Psellus has installed his mate to bring back the good old days of the wealthy families reaping in all the cash. As long as there are not mulitple invasions hitting the empire at once, it'll be fine!

Isaac is here! He couped his way to the top, and he has plans. Hopefully camping next to Mount Outrageous Damage with Ethel the Pecheneg doesn’t slow him down…

We are back! After having a break to talk about the slave revolts of the Republic, we are back ranking all the emperors. Apparently things start going downhill after the Macedonian Dynasty - so let’s see if that is true. If Michael VI is anything to go by, oh, it is true.

We were very lucky this week to be joined by the amazing Partial Historians! They are experts in the field, and this field has a tree, and under this tree is a man named Spartacus! Find out about the man, the myth and how he has been used throughout history. Plus, a fabulous return of our ever popular, regular feature: 'How Well Do You Know Your Co-Host?'!

In our first ever interview episode (for the Roman series) we are lucky enough to have a chat with John and Andy from Saga Thing! Ever wondered what those Northern Barbarian were thinking about the empire? Well, find out! Also, we test John and Andy on how well they know each other. Who is the ultimate Saga Thing host? Find that out also! 

Schedule update with the Battle of Zama thrown in as a bonus for you lovely people. 

We have covered her uncle, her father, her sister and three of her brother-in-laws, so now it it time to get Theodora's side of the story. She is the least known about of all of them so we do what we can to unravel her life story! 

When The Ship Smearer came to an untimely end, someone needed to step in. Zoe and Theodora did, but many in The Powerful felt they lacked a certain appendage that made them qualify. So an old flame of Zoe was found to rule the empire. Constantine Monomachos? Why not? How bad can he be?

We have covered a lot of her life, but now we get to dive in and see what life was like from her perspective. Just who was Zoe? And how did she survive the reign of 5.5 emperors? And exactly just how many hotty-bits-on-the-side called Constantine did she have?

Michael V may be the son of Steve the Ship Smearer, but that does not mean he can't become a great emperor! No! His lack of understanding the public mood does!

So Romanos is dead, and John has a plan. As does Zoe. It's a simple plan: put John's little brother and hotty-bit-on-the-side-of-Zoe Michael on the throne! What's the worst that can happen?

Constantine is about to die, and he needs an heir. Who better than Romanos? Who? The Urban Prefect? Yeah, he'll do. Likes to read doesn't he? Yeah... He'll do...

Just a little update to let you all know how we are and what our plans are.

How can you follow Basil II? Well, we suggest not like this. Constantine VIII loved to drink and gamble and wrestle and make his 'special' sauce. But running an empire currently enjoying a golden age? Nah...

We get to arguably the last big name of the series, and its a good one: Basil II the Bulgar Slayer. Jamie has doubts, but can Basil II impress him? Join us on this journey involving intrigue, civil war, one-on-one duels, Mace-eye, and a small appearance from a guest podcast!

Basil II is still a pup and Nikephoros is dead. Who can take charge of the empire? How about the man who literally just beat the last one close to death before cutting his head off to be sure? He'll do. Hopefully he is a decent chap. Oh, and the Russians are coming!

Nikephoros II knows how to do two things: love God and to shove swords in people until they are dead. The sources greatly differ to as what kind of ruler he was. So what was he? A monster who fell in love? A man falling his duty when he wants to follow God? A man who simply loves a good battle? Find out!

Romanos II. What to say about Romanos II? Well, according to the sources, not much because there is a general out there called Nikephoros and he is doing all sorts of exciting things. So join us while we find out about this general and occasionally mention the emperor! 

He was gently couped when he was young, something that does no growing lad any good. But now he is surrounded by a step-family who are only keeping him alive out of convenience, can Constantine do anything about his situation? 

So, he wasn't going to get an episode - but you guys insisted. So you have no one to blame but yourselves. 

Zoe is out of action, now Romanos just needs to deal with the Partriach Nicholas, the general Leo Phocas, the Bulgar King Symeon, the many uprisings, the Caliphate, the famine, the vikings - VIKINGS!? Yep, those too. Romanos does not have it easy, but how does he do?

Zoe of the coal-black eyes. She is not always listed as an emperor, but we are including her as she undoubtably ruled in her own right for a few years. However - these were not good years... There is an angry Patriach plotting revenge, a scored general plotting a coup, another general plotting a coup, oh, and a third general plotting a coup. Things are about to get quite coupy.

Here he is! The one you have been waiting for! it's Alexan- who? Oh, sorry. No one has ever been waiting for Alexander II. But here is an episode on him anyway!

Leo the Wise has Daddy issues. Mainly, he does not know if his daddy is the man who hates him, or the man who the man who hates him murdered. He is not treated well my his supposed father, but when a tragic hunting accident propels Leo to the throne... well, it's time for a bit of payback.

There were many prophecies that foretold of Basil's rise, unfortunately no one believed them. But then he managed to make friends with a drunk emperor and the world suddenly seemed so much full of opportunity.

He is young, he is in love, and he is very drunk. His uncle keeps banging on about something to do with the patriach and the pope. He is fairly certain some vikings were around not too long ago, or was that his mistress? Hmmm. It’s all a bit of a blur. It’s a good thing good-old Basil is here to help him out…

Theodora has an opportunity: her Iconoclast husband is dead, her son, the emperor is 2 years old. Here she is, a female regent in a world that does not accept female regents. So why not attempt to change the religious doctrine that has been followed for years? Wha't the worst that can happen? 

Audio apology: The first 8 mins has a slight crackle in it. Jeff was in charge of sound this week. Sorry.

The son of Micael II, the Godson of Leo V, Theophilos has a vision for the empire, and it is not what his parent's generation necessarily wanted. He was going to be a wise ruler, taking lessons from the mighty Al-Rashid - the wise and benevolent ruler of a caliphate entering a golden age. He would rule just as Al-Rashid did and - what's that? Al-Rashid's son is invading? Oh. Damn. 

The Story of Leo, Michael and Thomas comes to end in this exciting episode of Totalus Rankium. Was the prophecy of the monk-in-a-cave-up-a-pole correct? How did Thomas die? Was it horribly? Horribly, horribly? And just how important is Crete and Sicily anyway?

Leo, Michael and Thomas are three friends that share a prophesy - Leo and Michel will rule and Thomas will die horribly - horribly horribly. So when Leo sees his chance to usurp the old emperor, he goes for it! But now he has his good friend Banquo - I mean Michael - to worry about. Find out what happens in this week’s Totalus Rankium! 

This episode is 10 clips from the first 10 of our Roman Republic Totalus Rankium podcast, available to all our senate members for as little as one dollar a month!

Caesar, Sulla, Marius, Tiberius Gracchus, Gaius Gracchus, Drusus, Cleopatra, Marcus Antonius, Fulvia and Clodius!  

Want to listen to the whole episodes? follow the link and follow the instruction on the page! 

https://patron.podbean.com/TotalusRankium

Let’s round of the Nikephorian dynasty with Michael, the first of that name. We are sure Michael achieved many things in life, things that he was very proud of. It’s a shame none were recorded. We know little, and what we do know is… well, see for yourselves.

Nikephoros, his father, is dead. Now a young, brave Starakios must take the reigns of the empire and lead it to a new Golde- Sorry? His neck is leaking? Head almost off? He's dead? Oh. Ok then, NEXT!

And so the glorious reign of the Nikephorian dynasty begins. There are only three of them, but there were only three Flavians, and they did well! So who knows, maybe this bunch will bring the empire to a new golden age. We start with Nikephoros himself. All he has to do is deal with the Caliphate and the new king of all the Bulgars: Krum. how has can that be?

Today we go back over the reign of Irene, but this time through the eyes (excuse the pun) of her unfortunate son, Constantine. Was he as useless as he looked (sorry) last episode? Or will we see him (too soon?) in a new light? Find out!

Our first female emperor is finally here! And it only took 110 men and 800 years to get here! So how will Irene shape up? It's tough breaking the mould, and unfortunately for her, there are a lot of people standing around worried about her lack of 'advantage'. Will she be able to overcome this? or will the rift with her son end is disaster? 

Poo-face is dead, now his young son must take over and (cough cough) take up the mantle (cough). He will need determination and courage to tackle (cough cough) the issues of the (cough hack hack) day. Find out how he does! (Is... Is that blood? Oh. Oh dear.)

Also, this week we recommend https://pontifacts.podbean.com for all your popey goodness. Check them out!

Constantine Pooface. The fifth of that name (actually sixth, but shhh). He started life pooing in the alter of the Hagia Sophia and then went on to rule the empire for decades. Unfortunately for him, he ruled during a time of few sources, and those that remain hated him. But what was he really like? We have no idea. but we can always speculate! 

Surprise! It's a short episode about Artabasdos. We were not sure if he deserved an episode, but he got one. Now we are less sure he deserved an episode... oh well...

At last the 20 years anarchy draws to an end, but only because one man was able to grab the reins and reign well for a couple of decades (in the the rain?) Find out how Leo did this, but also what he did to rip the very stability he produced apart. Oh, and there is rumour of Poo Pie. 

Welcome to the wonderful reign of Theodosius III. The man who led the Opsikians to revolt. Ok, no one actually asked if he wanted to. And now he is emperor, no one is stopping to ask him what he wants. In fact, the only thing anyone is asking seems to be: "Did you hear? Leo is on the way..."

The penultimate emperor in the 20 years anarchy and we have... wait for it... Anastasius II! Did he leave a mark on history? Not really. But did he hire Papa John to lead his troops to war? Yes, yes he did!

Another of the emperors in the 20 Years Anarchy. Let's see if tis one is better that the others... he's not. Oh well, maybe he has some fun stories at least.

Ok, so Leontius was not up to much, but surely Tiberius III will do something, anything, of note while Justinian No-Nose was on his little holiday? Anything at all? Anything?

We already know Leontios' fate, but do we know his full story? No. Will we find out in this episode? No. but we will do our best squeezing out as much detail as we can from the scant sources! 

Justinian No Nose - The emperor who lost his nose. Want to know how? And also find out all the other things he got up to in his action-packed life? Give this week's episode a listen! Just bear in mind, if you already know the story, Jamie has no idea what's coming...

Constantine IV was young when his father went away, he perhaps did not want to rule, but perhaps stay in his room not being disturbed. But then his father died and all of a sudden he is in charge - his brothers are plotting, the Caliphate is on the war-path and his generals are revolting. And all he has is a eunuch called Andrew. How will he survive? Find out in this week's episode! 

The second Constans (Actually called Heraclius, but - Roman names hey?) We already know that he had a great beard, but what else do we know about the man? He saw his grandfather and father die within half a year and then he was thrust upon the throne during a time when the empire was falling apart. And he was a child (but still with the beard). let's see how he does...

Part two of this week's double bill, the brother of Constantine IIIb! Ok, his brother did not last long, but maybe this one will - what's that? you've already seen the length of the episode? So i'm not fooling anyone? oh well... here is a short episode on how rubish Heraklonas was.

It's going to (cough) be hard to follow such an (cough cough) emperor such as Heraclius (cough). But perhaps (cough splutter splutter cough) his eldest son, Constantine IIIb (hack hack splutter cough) has what it takes (hack hack hack cough splutter gasp gasp      gasp    cough   uugghh). If only he could shake this (cough). 

We come to another big name in the history of Rome, and we get another extra long episode. Why does Heraclius deserve a longer episode? Well… We have giants on bridges! Sieges! The rise of a world religion plus the fall of a mighty empire! War! Plots! Schemes! A naked horse ride! This episode has it all.

Phocas takes the city, and therefore the Empire. Admittedly, he has a scar down his face, and a pointy beard... but we should not judge people on their looks, this does not mean he is a bad man. The burning of people in the market-place however, that could indicate that he is a less than pleasant person... oh dear. 

So the empire is at war once again with Persia, Italy is being settle y Lombards and the Avars are causing trouble. Oh, and the empror's as mad as box of frogs. But wait! who is this dazzling young man? look at that chin! those eyes! phwooor, I bet he knows how to emperor...

Justin II has a lot to follow. But he has a clear plan. No more pandering to those horrible barbarians. It is time the Romans take back control! It is time to... to... what was that? was that a Bogle!? Aaarrghhh! hide! Moo! CAW CAW CAW! bibble bibble. Quick someone bar the windows! The emperor has escaped again! 

And so we arrive at Justinian - by far the most famous emperor of the East bar perhaps Constantine the Great. But is that fame justified? Strap yourself in for this extra long episode including battles, Vandals, Goths, Persians, the plague, riots, mega churches, massacres, law codes and a bullied Pope!

Justin is often overlooked by his more flashy nephew, but when you actually look into it, you will - oh look! Justinian is coming!

A boy was born with two different coloured eyes so everyone called him a rude name. Then some stuff happened and he became Emperor. There are the Isuarians, the Demes and the Orthodox church out for his blood, plus Bulgars and Persians. And he is getting on in years. How can Anastasius possibly succeed? Find out in this week's episode of Totalus Rankium! 

Featuring Drunk Monks!

It's not often a father succeeds his son - Zeno has the mighty job of ruling the East as the West crumbles and literally everyone he knows turns against him. It's not going too bad - he just needs to avoid those pesky men up their pillars. 

Surprise mini episode! Yes, we are going to a fortnightly release schedule. But Leo II is so pathetic he doesn't really count. Find out exactly why he was so useless in this episode that only exists because the intro clearly states 'Ranking ALL the emperors...'

We are back! Series 2 of Roman Emperors: Totalus Rankium begins with Leo the Butcher. We have already covered his reign in the last series, but now we get to see it from his perspective. and finally find out why he was called "The Butcher". 

This is where we ramble on for an hour and a half and answer some of your questions. 

Here we are at last! 

Who has the most Je Na Caesar? Who, out of Augustus, Aurelian and Constantius II stands out? Who are you going to be shouting about as you grab that stranger on the street? Find out in the fianl of Season 1 of Roman Emperors: Totalus Rankium!

In the last of the Semi Finals we pitch the crazies (plus Trajan) against each other! Caligula, Constantius II, Trajan and Commodus!

Who is crazy enough to survive this round and make their was into the final?

The second of the Semi Final episodes. This time it is Diocletian, Constantine, Aurelian and Theodosius. Four of the highest scorers in one round, but who will come out on top?

The first of the Semi Final episodes. Caracalla, Valentinian, Augustus and Constantius III face off but only one can go through...

Featuring three new rounds! Infamous Natorius, Mortis Mamorea and Historia Ridiculi - What impact did they have? How good was their death? How would they cope in other situations?

The final round of the quarter finals and it's the round of death. Who will go through out of these massive names? Our top scorer? Or the first bearded emperor? Or the highest scorer from the highest scoring dynasty? Or the man with a club?

Also: we look at the total scores from the series. 

Round V: it's a tough one this week: who to choose from Constantine, Trajan, Vespasian and Gallienus? there is not a bad one in the bunch, but we have to choose. Find out who we went for!

Also: a very brief look at the Tempo Completo round. Wo lasted the longest? who was out the door before anyone had unpacked the chisel for the official bust? 

Round IV: Who will go through? The mighty Diocletian, the horrible Galerius, the amazing Constantius II or the good-looking Majorian?

Also: we look at the best looking busts and coins of the empire. 

The third of the 6 knockout rounds, this week we see the mighty Augustus go up against the stoic Marcus and fascinating Constantius II. Oh, and Constnatius I also.

Also: see who the most and least successful emperors were! 

Second of the knockout round. This week, Valentian and his bears v Otho and his toupee v Caligula and his crazy v Julianus and his fear.

Also: we look at Opprobrium Crazium: who were the sanest and the craziest emperors? 

The first of the knockout rounds is here! Who will go through to the semi finals? Theodosius, Valerian, Thrax or Caracalla?

Also: Who were the bottom three in Fightius Maximus? And who were the top 5?

This is the end - my only friend - the end. Orestes has a plan to start a new golden age. It involves his son being the emperor, plus about a thousand problems magically going away.

Spoiler warning: he fails. But find out how!

Also: We figure out when the West was doomed to fail, plus whose fault it was!

Also: find out who would the public vote for the spare Je Na Caesar place.

And finally: we draw the rounds for the epic battle that will start next week! 

Ok, seriously, someone needs to step up. Who can sort this mess out? What about the son of Majorians general, the nephew of one of the best generals of the age, the nephew of Leo, supported by Zeno and the east, a man with links to Syagrius and the Friendly Franks, a man who has been running Dalmatia very well for the last couple of years. He sounds good! 

Time for him to stand in the surf and demand the tide retreat... 

Ricimer is dead, the man behind the throne for the last two decades. Rome needs someone to fill his shoes, someone as cunning, as ruthless, as capable. Instead it was stuck with Glycerius. Oh well... 

Ok, the empire is falling, it is over run, there is no hope. But then up steps this man! Sure, he is a handy puppet caught in a vast game of politics between Ricimer and Leo, but that does not mean he can't make his mark on history! Sorry? Oh, it does mean that? oh. That's a shame.

He was destined to achieve great things, almost emperor of the East, then actual emperor of the West. With East and West unified once more and with the backing of his good friend Leo, how could Anthemius possibly lose? As long as he does nothing to annoy Ricimer, it will all be fine...

Also: Jamie has a new toy! And everyone should be kind and encourage his creativeness - he has been practising all week. 

Severus III! The third of the Severuses. Watch as he singlehandedly rest- oh, sorry Ricimer, Didn't see you there. You want this episode to yourself? Oh, of course you can. Do you mind if we keep the title Severus III though? Just to keep things neat. Cheers. 

The west is gulping the last of the air that it can get into its lungs. Calling it an empire is now merely an insult to empires everywhere. Britain is gone, the Danube is gone, Spain is gone, Africa is gone, and Gaul... Gaul looks shaky. But what's this? One last ditch attempt to restore the might of the Roman Empire? Will it succeed? There is less than 20 years till the Fall of the West, so you can probably guess the answer. But in the meantime, look how good Majorian looks while swinging an axe...

Avitus!

A little known emperor that had a chance to turn the Roman Empire back towards the golden age...

Oh, the Empire is due to end in 20 years.... He has a deadline and he needs to be fast.

Petronius had big dreams, by day he was a loyal senator, helping Valentinian keep the empire ticking over, but by night: by night he was scheming and plotting and planning and cackling. He was going to rule the empire, and when he did, he would show them all! Nothing would stop him! He was not scared of anyone or anything! Sorry? Who are coming? The Vandals... oh. oh dear. 

It takes a brave man to stand up to Attila, it takes a lucky one to survive. Find out just how brave or lucky Marcian was. Also, find out: How an eagle save Marcian's life, where Marcian was during the wars and what Marcian got up to on his honey-moon (not much).

It's all going wrong! It's all going wrong! Here is poor Valentinian, trying his hardest (well, at least his mother is) and his generals are doing nothing to stop the barbarians, they are too busy fighting amongst themselves. Britain has gone, Spain is going, Africa is going, Gaul is going, What is left? The empire is about to fall! Wait, who's this? Is that, no it can't be, is that Atilla the Hun? Oh £%@*.

It all started so well... The walls were built, the persians fought off, the grain shipments sorted, the university founded, the law code created, everything was looking so good. But who's this coming over the hill? He looks scary. And he has a simple, but chilling demand. 'Give me gold, or I will crush you and everything you love - or my name isn't Atilla the Hun'. 

Oh dear...

The empire is a mess, a useless excuse for an emperor sits on the throne, Rome has been sacked, the barbarians are flooding in. It's time for someone to step up and take command. That's what Constantine III did, with results that perhaps seem more funny today than they did for Constantine at the time. But now it's Constantius III's turn. Will he share the same fate as Constantine III? well, probably not, since it was Constantius III that defeated Constantine III, but still, things are not looking good, it will take a serious man with serious determination to turn things around... 

Some poeple will be remembered for taking a chance, for seizing the day, for grasping the nettle, for being the one person at the time ready to stand up and say: 'This is my time damnit, and I will make it!'. However, unfortunatly, to be remembered for saying those things, you then need to actually follow them through. With Contantine III chances were indeed taken, but was a nettle grasped? Was a day seized? find out in this week's Totalus Rankium! 

Widely regarded as one of the worst emperors in history. But why? What did he do that was so bad? And was it him, or his advisor Stilicho, or Olypius, or Jovius or Constantius? Or any of the others that were actually running things?

Who knows? All Honorius knows is that he likes it in Ravenna with it's nice tall walls and deep swamps and hopfully the rest of the world will sort its self out. Best to ignore it. Best to play with his chickens. 

Arcadius, our second puppet emperor. Judge him against most, then he won't do well, but how does he compare to Valentinian II? Is he as useless? Does he have any redeeming features? 

But let's be honest. No one is going to remember this as the Arcadius episode. This will always be the episode where Rob tells Jamie, in detail, how the Romans created their Eunuchs. Never before has a recording session been spent with as much time with crossed legs. 

East and West are splitting, political, cultural and religious differences are forcing this divide. But one man has the honour of being The Last Man To Rule The Undivided Empire. And he is know as The Great! what can possibly go wrong here? So, pull up a chair and listen as we find out just how great he is. does he rid the empire of the Goths? does he settle all the religious disputes? Oh, and check the exits... always check the exits... this one has a temper.

It's tough being 4 years old. Everything is too big, you have to eat your greens, you are getting to grips with this toilet business, and your mother and the most powerful bishop in the west of the empire are playing tug-of-war with your existence. Oh, and a scary man with a cool name, who already killed your brother, is coming to kill you also. 

It took Little Val several years before he attempted to get control over his fate... in retrospect, maybe he shouldn't have bothered. 

The Nameth Maketh the Maneth. Or at least so though Magnus' parents, who clearly thought that calling their dear child the 'Greatest Great' who ensure great things. And, to be fair, he became an Roman emperor. But does he live up to the name? Why does he hate heretics? And why does he need to please the Bishop Ambrose, despite the fact that he hates the man? Find out in this week's Totalus Rankium! 

Gratian has some big sandals to fill. His father was a Je Na Caesar winner with a score comfortably in the top ten. Knowing this when he took the purple, he knew he would have to impress. But then his uncle messed everything up. Goths are running amuck, Huns are on their way and the Allimanni are still playing up. Will he sort it out? or will he pass the buck at the first opportunity? Oh, and who is this Magnus Maximus guy? He has a great name. The greatest... 

Valens never expected to be emperor, but now he was, damn it, he was going to do it well! He was going East. He was going to show that Sharpur a - sorry? what's that? Usurpers you say? and Goths? Oh. ok, He'll sort them out first, but then, then he will sort out the East. As soon as he's sorted out the Goths. Where are they? Adrianople? How hard can this be? 

The Constantinians are dead! It is time for a brave new start, it's time for the one and only Valentian to step forward! Who, you ask? You remeber him, he is the son of the trator who was responsble for Jovian's father-in-law's death. No? He ran away from the barbarians under Babatio. That's the one! Let's see how he does... is he strong eough to found a dynasty, to put down two reolts and countless invasions? Let's find out! 

Let's face it: Jovian got a bum deal. No other Roman emperor in history started off in such dire circumstances. He is deep in enemy territory, surrounded by a superior force, he has no food, no water, few horses - which are refusing to stay inflated. His men are starting to look at each other as if they are wondering just how tasty Ryanus is. The bridge can't be built, the Persians are calling them names and the elephants, well, they stink!

All he has to do is get back home to Constantinople and all will be well...

Julian is one of the most beloved of the latter emperors by historians, but why? Find out what he did in Gual, how he misspelt ‘send’ as ‘burn’, what caused him to revolt, why did the people of Antioch hated his beard, and how he dealt with Shapur II.

Does he live up to the hype? find out in this week’s Totalus Rankium!

The third and middle brother of the Brothers Constantine. Constanius II had a lot on his plate: The Persians, the Sarmatians, the Alimanni, Magnetius, Vitranio, Gallus, Silianus, Julius… Still, all he needs to do is keep a level head and not go all purgey. There is nothing so bad that a few cunningly plotted schemes can’t sort out. Now, time to choose a Caesar, there must be at least one member of the family he hasn’t killed yet…

It’s always hard being the little brother, your big brothers never seem to respect you. Not until a sharply worded note, threatening to kill them and all they hold dear, forces a smidgen of respect out of them. Constans has a divided empire and angry bishops to deal with. Could he be the son to live up to the father? Find out this week!

Also: a very very Roman (honest) quiz at the end!

It is said that it is the hardest thing in the world to be a Great Man's son. Well, Constantine II managed to prove that in his mostly useless life... To be fair, he had a rough start in life, holding the towl while your father drowns your mother in front of your eyes has to have an effect on a young man. However, maybe he has hideen depths that we can find! 

Also, find out about the young Athanasius, he hated the Arian movement and loved his home of Alexandria, it's a shame he rarely got to visit...

Perhaps more than any other emperor, a myth has arisen around the emperor Constantine. He was the emperor who turned the empire christian! He built Constantinople! He created an empire that lasted 1000 years! He had a magic standard! But did he? Join us as we look into Constantine the Great: find out what his favourite type of tent was! His favourite method of crossing swamps and why the first Christmas’ of Rome were very awkward…

We are down to the final two! Who will come out on top? The young but ambitious Constantine or the more experienced Licinius? Well, it’s Licinius first, so you can probably guess… but exactly how did Licinius fail? was it a brave last stand, refusing to bow down to superior numbers? Or did he slowly become humiliated after being beaten over and over resulting in him running away what seems every other week. We’ll give you two guesses which. 

Also: Find out what Season 2 is of Totalus Rankium! 

From farm hand to right hand man to the emperor to the emperor himself. Daia'a story should be a grand one of rags to riches. We suppose it is, but Jack never started persecuting entire religions after buying his magic beans (just one giant) - that kind of puts a dampener on the feel-good story. But maybe Daia has merely fallen foul of bias sources? maybe those IKEA-style torture instructions are fake, maybe he didn't drive Diocletian to suicide, maybe he was a good egg. In fact, he most definitely was! he was great! we love him! AAGGH, we've looked into his eyes too long! save us! 

This week the son of mighty Maximian is under the microscope. Does Maxentius live up to his father? or even go beyond? He is not invited to the Tetrachic Party and he is not happy. Find out how the simple garden pea can masterfully be deployed as a metaphor for the pursuit for power.

Also: We say goodbye to the Praetorian Guard, so we look back and decide on the best Praetorian Prefect.

Severus II. If you liked Severus, that will probably have no bearing on your opinion of Severus II. He was given the chance to rule by the current emperor; all he had to do was defeated the last emperor using the last emperors army against him… hmmm. anyone spot the flaw?

Also: this week we look into the Edict of Maximum Prices! can Rob convince Jamie that this is interesting? find out! 

The 4th of the original Tetrarchs and perhaps the most controversial. Was he a genocidal maniac, hellbent on eradicating monotheism? Or did he simple want to teach the christians some discipline? Galerius himself has questions: Was his father a snake? What do the Arminians keep under their armour? Where is Valerian nowadays? And why do the Christians not want to stop being Christian? After all, he is killing a lot of them, surely they should be more co-operative? 

"Well done Constantius! You are Caesar! You now rule all the land from here to... well, you see that island over there? Yes? The one held by the enemy, that's the one, yes, well, that's now yours! well done! Off you go to rule..."

See how Constantius tackles the might of the roaring English Channel and the screaming Frankish pirates. Can he defeat the first British Empire? Find out in this week's Totalus Rankium!

Diocletian, Diocletian, Diocletian... That's all anyone wants to talk about. But his colleague Maximian has a lot to offer! Or at least he thinks he does. He is one of Rome's longest rulers, so what did he actually do? Find out: How he lost a Provence with a badly worded note! how he attempted to invade using wardrobes! How he spent his peaceful retirement! And much much more!

"Crisis? What Crisis?" these words may have brought down a labour govenment in the 1970s*, but when Diocletian uttered them in in the 280s everyone saw it as a challenge chaos that had prevaled for the last 50 years. Let's face it, it's time someone rolled up their sleves and sorted this mess out...

*apologies for the semi-obscure 70s UK politics reference. 

The end of the Crisis is here! Does Carinus usher in a new golden age? Or is he the last of the dregs that have to be hosed down the drain pipe before Rome can get on its feet again? You can probably guess by the length of the episode! But who knows? Maybe he has that certain Je Na Caesar?

Murder! Death! Intrigue! ok, Numerian's rule was no more interesting than you last drive across the country, but with added eye pain, but his death is a murder mystery that would make Columbo stop and ask just one more thing. So, who killed him? The evil Aper, or the diabolical Diocles? 

Carus may well have done some shocking things; electrified the people of Rome with his lightning speed and thunderous voice. He may have seen the storm clouds brewing over Persia and decided it was time to show some Shock and Awe. He may have bolted out of Antioch and with javelins and forks ready to strike. But unfortunately, we don't know. Our sources have dried up a bit... But at least we know how he died! (sort of).

The empire is looking much better, but do not be fooled! Land Pirates stalk the..er..land, U2 have taken over the fleet and usurpers are in every corner. The East is lost! The West is Lost! Will Probus get them back? Will he in fact get them back before even finishing the letter informing him of the loss? Will he figure out where all his cows keep going? Find out in this week's episode of Totalus Rankium!

Let's be honest, there is not much to say about Florianus. But this is the perfect opportunity to look back at the series so far with out half-season review!

Also: Half season quiz! who will come out on top?

Aurelian is dead! Who can fill his shoes? Who wants to fill his shoes? Anyone? Anyone at all? You! You there! With the frown, you can be emperor!

Tacitus doesn't want the job - he is old and wants to look after his glassware collection. But he has no choice, time to step up and led Rome out of the Crisis...  

One day, a simple farmer looked around at the devastation of his homeland. He turned to his son and talked wistfully about the Good Old Days. When finishing this heart wrenching tale, the old man died. The son's heart filled with rage - his father's life had been one of misery. Who to blame? Everyone! what to do? Become Emperor and take over the world!* Join us as we see how Aurelian's life faired after this. What was his pet snake called? Why should you never open the door during a coup? Did we remember all the Barbarians? Whose elephant is this? Find out answers to all of this and more!

*This story is in no way true. Probably. I mean, who knows? maybe it did happen. 

Sorry? Who?

Oh, look! Aurelian's coming! 

Claudius II: This time it's hyped up! Find out wht the Historia Augusta claims that this man was the best emperor in the history of Rome bar Constantine himself. Find out how he fought barbarians and... other stuff. That he must have done. I mean, he is obviously great, the Historia Augusta told us so... so he must be. Yep. 

His father is captured, his sons are in the care of men who would rather see him dead and the empire is close to being split in twane-plus-one (thrane?). What gallienus needs is a plan, a lot of courage, determination, an adjective to describe thirds and a 'Trusted General'. He has most of these, unfortuantly Roger the messenger keeps interupting all the bloody time!

So here we are, hitting rock bottom. Valerian seemed to not want to wield too much power, but now he does, he is not going to sit back and do nothing while the empire falls around him. He is going to teach that pesky Shapur a lesson! With his mighty (cough) army, (cough cough) he will go east (cough) and... why does everyone look so ill? Oh dear. 

Aemilanus staged a coup. It was to be the defining moment of his life, from then on, his entire life was about fighting for the empire. Day after day he would work at keeping the purple. He fully believed in his men and their ability to take on the Rhine legions under the command of Valerian. It's a shame no one else believed it...

What can we say about Gallus? Seriously. What can we say about Gallus. If you can let us know we would be grateful. "He wasn't an awful human being," is possibly the highest praise even his mother could have given him. No wonder the world is in crisis... at least he has his trustworthy friend Valarian to help him...

This week...Hostilain! And that is about all you need to know about him because if we summarise anymore, we will end telling his whole, sorry, short story. Also this week: The Plague! Smallpox (possibly) is afoot! Ever wanted to know the history of this virus? Well you are in luck, for this week we look at the history of the Pox(small). 

Decius. He took the empire by force, but did he want to? Either way, he is in charge now and he needs to sort out all these problems. Rome is being ravaged by famine, plague, war and death (and the lesser known horseman - economic problems). But fear not! Decius has a plan that will turn everything around... maybe.  

Philip. Big Phil to his friends. We are getting knees-deep into the Crisis now and we are looking for a stong leader to pull us out of the quagmire. Will Philip be that man? Not only does he need to turn around huge political, social and economic forces, he also has a party to prepare: Rome is 1000 years old! Hoorah! Let's go and check the budget for the celebrations....  

Gordian III, The Return of the Gordians. Can this young boy of an emperor live up to the glories of Gordian I and II? It's a lot of resposibility: he would have to, for starters, last longer than three weeks; go onto not dying in his first battle or killing himself in his wardrobe. Also: Find out how a furious man named Tim saved the empire for the guitar wielding king of kings, Sharpur.

Pupienus. He has a silly name, a long beard and a plan to defeat the mighty Thrax. But will that he enough for the harsh eyes of history to rank him as one of the best? Find out in this episode of Totalus Rankium!

The Gordians are dead! Who will stand up to the might of the giant Thrax? Well, not Balbinus, but he'll look after Rome as others go off to stand up to Thrax. Find out how much the citizens of Rome loved his rule... well, those that really, really enjoy an outdoor BBQ anyway.

Gordian II. The Gordians Strike Back. And die. Horribly. Not much can be said about Gordian II apart from the fact that he is the shortest riegning emperor. He also liked to read, often to all those young ladies that were hanging around all the time... Find out how his ragtag band of merry men faired agaisnt the might of the Empire. 

Here we are at last! The Mighty Gordian I. The name that resonates around the world. He was the ruler of Rome for longer than you have been reading this synopsis and changed the course of, if not history, then at least his own life. Battles were fought, revolts led and blood shed (not that he was there). If you dont know about Gordian I, it's time you found out!

One day, a lonely boy was born with massive hands. And massive feet. And a massive head. And... well, you get the point. When the emperor passed through this boys village, little did he know that he was about to start the adventure of a lifetime! Rome's first peasent, giant emperor! His enemies would quake and his friends, well, they would quake too. It's time to show Johnny Allimanni a taste of Roman Steel! (as long as we can get through this damn swamp...)

What do you do when your pushy mother and 40,000 armed men say you should be emperor? Well, you do what Alexander did. he was only 13, and faced with an empire on the brink of disaster. Can he righten the sinking ship? Can he pull the Empire from the edge of a crisis?... no. But he can certainly die trying!  

Bassianus to his mother, Antoninus to the troops (sort of), 'The Assyrian' behind his back and Elagabalus to history. This is one emperor who has made a name (or several) for himself. But who is the man (boy) behind the myth? Did he kill boys? (Probably not) Did he throw cattle at people? (maybe not) Did he invent the Whoopie Cushion? (Yes). What we do know is that the senate hated him. And they have the quills...

He did what he had to do to survive... he killed an emperor. Good news: he got away with it! Bad news: he is now emperor. And there is an angry Parthian king wanting to know about this little invasion thing that happened a few weeks ago. And the family of the last emperor is not too pleased. And nor is the senate. Oh well, time to roll up those sleeves and tell the army that they are having a pay cut...

Severus is dead, and he leaves behind two sons to rule the empire. One problem... The brothers despise each other. We mean really, really hate each other. This is no only-talk-at-christmas-to-keep-mother-happy kind of fall out, this is full-on let's-hire-guards-to-watch-me-sleep-as-I-dont-think-i'll-wake-up-otherwise kind of hate. Let's see how they get on trying to run an empire...

In the year that held 5 possible emperors, only one would come out on top! Who would was anyone's guess... Well, sort of... No one expected Julianus to last. And Pertinax obviously was upsetting too many Praetorians. Oh, and Albinus clearly was not in a strong enough position without the backing of the German legions. And as for Niger, well he just needed to get a bloody move on! But still, the empire was up for grabs and one man saw a way to take it, re-mould it and hand it to the next generation with pride...

The emperor is dead! Long live...erm... anyone want the job? Didius Julianus is persuaded by his family and a couple of so-called friends to have a stab at the top job. Now everyone wants a stab at him. Poor Julianus. If only one of his 48 plans to survive actually worked...

Marcus is dead, and now his son is in charge. That's right: Tin-hat wearing, Bat-poo crazy Commodus. How bad can this be?

Marcus Aurelius. He had a tough life what with everyone in the world dying around him. All he wanted to do was curl up with a good book, but fate had other things in store for him. Those things included him freezing in a tent surrounded by angry barbarians. Poor Marcus. But if there is one thing that Marcus knows how to do well, it’s DEALING WITH IT. 

Hadrian wanted Marcus to rule. Antoninus Pius wanted Marcus to rule. The senate wanted Marcus to rule. Marcus wanted to read his books so asked his little brother for some help. Fortunately for the empire, Marcus' brother was Lucius Verus; a man who had great qualities such as loving drink, gambling, chariot racing and beating people up in taverns... oh... hang on... That's not a good sign is it?

Antonius Pius ws well known for doing just about nothing for 23 years. Great for his subjects, less good for historians who want a juicy story. However, we dive into his life to see if there was anything of interest in his life. Find out: All bout the mythical talking dogs! How a bunch of students changed the course of history! Who build that ditch in Scotland! and much more! 

The third of the Five Good Emperors, Hadrian is one of the most well known of all the emperors. Mainly due to a wall be probably never thought of again after ordering its construction. But what else does Hadrian have to offer? Was he all good? Why did he start a religion? Why did he grow a beard? Why was he angry when his doctor killed himself? So he built a wall. And he had a beard. But does he have... it? 

Long ago, a wise man said that the boundaries of the empire should remain static, that it was at it's largest extent. So wise was this man that his name became synonymous with the title of the Emperor. Augustus said it was so, so it was... Until Trajan thought - nah. Let's go and invade some people! Find out hoe Brian Blessed faired against the might of the Empire, How to kill someone with a polite horse and who discovered the tomato! 

The Senate finally get one of their men in! At long last the emperor is on the side of the group of old men in sheets rather than angry men with pointy things... nothing can go wrong... surely?

The Flies! The Flies! Domitian had a number of problems growing up, mainly the fact that his family kept dying or ignoring him. He was the son to the most powerful man in the world, so why wasn’t ever allowed to do anything? It was just so unfair! Then, thanks to the untimely death of his brother he suddenly found him self in charge of the whole empire! The world was his! If only those pesky flies would stop bothering him… 

Vespasian is dead... Who could replace him? The Nero-esque son? surly not! Not with the mountains exploding and the cities burning and the plague plaguing. Will Titus be able to cope? find out in this weeks episode...

Father Flav. Founder of the Flavian Dynasty. He sat on the sides watching Rome rip itself apart and scooped in at the end to pick up the pieces. Does this make him a hero or a coward? Learn how he won a triumph T-shirt, how he could heal the blind by spitting on them and how he started train stations charging to go to the toilet... 

The Roman world is in crisis. It needs a strong leader, someone to steady the ship, to allow people to retain their hope for the future... That man is on his way! Until he gets here however, we have this week's Emperor to get through. It's Vitellius. Liked by his troops if no one else, he was a man who knew how to party. He was a good friend of both Caligula and Nero... this is possibly all you need to know to guess how well his reign went. 

Otho! He was a man with a dream, a simple dream... a dream to become the most powerful man in the world! Did he succeed? Or did a combination of sailors, traffic jams, moody guards and incompetent generals let him down? find out in this week's episode of Roman Emperors: Totals Rankium! 

Strict. If you were to choose one adjective from the multitude of adjectives available, strict would be the one that you would use (knowing full well that Gala would appreciate the subjunctive form). So what if he is the first of four emperors in 69CE? So what that he doesn't last long? Who cares if he is clearly a public school headmaster from 1950's England in disguise? All that needs to be answered is, does he have a certain Je Na Caesar? (and why, oh why, did he not just pay the bloody Praetorian Guard a damn bonus?) 

The last of the Julii-Claudians; Nero is one of the most famous of all the emperors... But does he deserve to be so? He may have a coffee shop named after him, but does he have that certain something? Find out how well he knew his mother, how much he loved to sing, how many plots he had to kill people and how not to commit suicide. 

Claudius! Who is this man? Is he the village idiot? An acting mastermind? A clever leader? A man struggling with disability? A man ruled by his wives and freedman? A sadistic madman? It is hard to be sure. All we do know, is that he fought a Killer Whale and won. (Oh, and had a pet rock).

Who is this misunderstood youth? All he did was try to restore the empire after his evil Uncle Tiberius died. He built an aqueduct and restored the temples... and stopped the Great Shell Invasion of 40CE. And heard the voices of dead people and killed all his family and stole peoples wives and threw people to the wolves and forced marched the senate and built a pointless bridge and exiled his wives and invited people to his horse's house and ...(fade to black). Oh dear.

Come on a journey in Ancient Rome as we discuss the timeline BEFORE the Emperors. From Mythical geese to a flaming phallus, we hope to inform and (Possibly) entertain. A huge thank you to The Rex Factor for their help and support: please listen to their informative narrative on the Kings and Queens of Great Britain.

Hello!

Welcome to Totalus Rankium; ranking all the emperors from Augustus to Augustulus (actually Constantine XI). This is a quick introduction, recorded at the end of the season, just to welcome new listeners and let you know where the podcast is heading.

We successfully ranked all the emperors up until Augustulus, and have decided to cary on up until the fall of the East! 

Also we are starting a new podcast called American Presidents: Totalus Rankium where we see which US president had the most interesting life. 

We hope you enjoy the show!