Stinker Madness – The Bad Movie Podcast

You think you can take me? Well go ahead on and watch this stinker from Greydon Clark.

"Final Justice" (1984) is a film that occupies a peculiar space in the action genre, and how much you'll enjoy it hinges heavily on your tolerance for low-budget absurdity. At the center of this bizarre movie is Joe Don Baker's portrayal of Thomas Jefferson Geronimo, a tough-as-nails Texas cop who, unfortunately, ends up being more laughable than intimidating. Baker’s Geronimo feels like a caricature of every 1980s action hero, but without the charisma or the compelling edge needed to pull it off. Instead, we're left with a character that stumbles through the movie with more groans than grins.

The action sequences, intended to be thrilling, often border on the ridiculous, with character decisions that are so baffling they verge on parody. Whether it's Geronimo's relentless pursuit of criminals across Europe or the frequent and illogical shootouts, the film constantly challenges the suspension of disbelief. And yet, these moments might be where some viewers find their entertainment—if you're into movies that are so bad they’re good, this could be your thing.

Unfortunately, much of the film is bogged down by long stretches of tedium, where plot elements are repeated to the point of exhaustion. What might have been intended as humorous instead feels like a never-ending loop of dullness. The narrative itself is a mess, a baffling mix of cop clichés and bizarre plot twists that don't seem to lead anywhere meaningful.

In the end, "Final Justice" is a movie that might appeal to a niche audience who enjoys dissecting and mocking bad cinema. But for most, it’s likely to be an exercise in patience. If you have a taste for the absurdly bad and can appreciate it for its sheer ridiculousness, there might be something here for you. Otherwise, you may find yourself wishing for a more competent action flick.

A great movie if you're part of the "under the sweater/over the bra" crowd, but even they won't remember that they saw it.

Tarot (2024) is an absolute masterclass in how not to make a horror movie unless you are just providing background noise for teenagers to make out. If you ever wondered what happens when you throw every horror cliché, plot hole, and half-baked character motivation into a blender, this is it. The result is a film so dumb and poorly thought out that it almost circles back around to being entertaining—for all the wrong reasons.

From the get-go, Tarot feels like a checklist of horror tropes. Creepy old woman? Check. Spooky house? Check. Jump scares every five minutes? Double check. It’s as if the writers Googled "horror clichés" and decided to use every single one, especially stealing from Evil Dead and Final Destination. But that’s not even the worst of it. The plot is an incoherent mess, with gaping holes large enough to drive a truck through. Characters make baffling decisions with motivations that seem to change depending on the scene—or, more likely, on the whims of whoever was holding the pen that day.

The acting? Let’s just say that calling it appalling might be too kind. Every line is delivered with the enthusiasm of someone who just realized they left the oven on at home. The humor, if you can call it that, is cringeworthy at best. It feels like the movie is trying desperately to be self-aware, but instead, it comes off as painfully awkward.

And yet... there’s something about Tarot that makes it oddly watchable, at least for certain audiences. If you’re a fan of bad movies, you’ll probably find some enjoyment in how ridiculous it all is. It’s also the perfect flick for teenagers looking for an excuse to make out in the back row of the theater while pretending to watch the screen.

In short, Tarot is a trainwreck of a horror film, but if you enjoy watching a disaster unfold, you might just find yourself entertained—for all the wrong reasons.

The Lucio Fulci movie that more people should be talking about may just be so weird its good?

"Conquest" is one of those bizarre gems that defies logic, reason, and possibly all known laws of filmmaking. From the opening frame, you're catapulted into a world where absolutely nothing makes sense—and that's the beauty of it. The plot (if you can call it that) revolves around two warriors, Mace and Ilias, who embark on a quest to stop an evil, topless sorceress who wears a metal mask and is clearly compensating for something. Why? Who knows! The movie doesn't bother to explain, and honestly, it doesn't matter.

The action scenes are a special kind of weird. Imagine slow-motion combat sequences where everyone moves like they're underwater, yet somehow, limbs are still getting chopped off left and right. The gore is gratuitous, and I mean gratuity with a capital G. There's blood spraying everywhere, heads getting smashed for no reason, and enough fake entrails to make you wonder if they bought out an entire Halloween store. The nudity? Oh, it's there—just about every 10 minutes, the film throws in a random naked person for no discernible reason other than, well, why not? If you're looking for plot relevance, you're in the wrong movie.

The special effects and costumes are so corny and cheesy that you almost feel like you're watching a live-action cartoon—except way more violent. The monsters look like they were assembled out of leftover Muppets, and the villain’s henchmen wear masks that make them look like rejected extras from a bad '70s sci-fi show. And the music? Imagine a synth-heavy score that somehow makes everything feel both epic and hilariously out of place, like if someone played a disco track during a gladiator battle. It's that level of weirdness.

In the end, "Conquest" is like a fever dream wrapped in a bad acid trip dipped in melted cheese. It's one of those rare films where everything is so bizarrely wrong that it becomes impossibly right. If you love movies that make you question your life choices, while also making you laugh at how absurdly terrible they are, "Conquest" is your golden ticket. Enjoy the ride—you'll never forget it, no matter how hard you try.

Stick around or don't move, but Reb Brown is gonna give you the laughs.

"Robowar" (1988) is a cinematic masterpiece of unintentional hilarity. This unapologetic rip-off of "Predator" is an absolute must-watch for fans of 'so bad it's good' cinema. From the moment Reb Brown graces the screen with his over-the-top action antics and unintentionally comedic acting, you'll be hooked. Brown's performance is a perfect blend of earnestness and absurdity, making every scene he's in a joy to watch.

The plot, if you can call it that, is a shameless copy of "Predator." However, instead of being an edge-of-your-seat thriller, "Robowar" delivers non-stop laughs. The antagonist, "The Hunter," is a laughably awful attempt at creating a menacing villain. With a costume that looks like it was thrown together from spare parts and a performance that can only be described as cartoonish, "The Hunter" is more likely to make you chuckle than cower in fear.

Let's not forget the music. Oh, the music! It's so fantastically bad that it deserves its own standing ovation. The soundtrack seems to be perpetually stuck in the 80s, complete with synth-heavy tracks that feel out of place and add an extra layer of comedy to the film's already ridiculous scenes.

Every moment of "Robowar" is filled with something that will make you laugh out loud, whether it's the wooden dialogue, the nonsensical plot twists, or the sheer audacity of its "Predator" mimicry. This is a movie that fully embraces its B-movie status and offers a viewing experience that's as entertaining as it is unintentionally funny.

If you're in the mood for a film that's so bad it's good, "Robowar" is the perfect choice. Grab some popcorn, gather your friends, and get ready for a night of side-splitting laughter at this gloriously awful gem.

Just because it doesn't have a story or characters or any basis in reality doesn't mean its bad, right?

"Twisters" (2024) is a whirlwind of nostalgic fun that takes you back to the golden era of 90's blockbusters. While it may lack a compelling story, character depth, and a meaningful journey, it's a film that embraces its cheesy charm with gusto. From the first gust of wind to the last dramatic tornado scene, "Twisters" is an exhilarating ride that doesn't take itself too seriously.

The visual effects are stunning, with the twisters themselves serving as the true stars of the show. Each tornado scene is more breathtaking than the last, making you feel like you're right in the middle of the storm. The action sequences are over-the-top in the best possible way, providing plenty of edge-of-your-seat moments that are perfect for popcorn munching.

The film's cast does a commendable job with what they're given, adding to the overall campy appeal. Their performances, coupled with the tongue-in-cheek dialogue, keep the film light and entertaining. It's clear that "Twisters" is meant to be enjoyed for its sheer spectacle and fun factor rather than for any deep, thought-provoking narrative.

In a world where many blockbusters strive for gritty realism and complex plots, "Twisters" is a refreshing throwback to simpler times. It's a love letter to the disaster movies of the 90's, delivering pure cinematic escapism that fans of the genre will adore. If you're looking for a film that's all about high-octane action and nostalgic thrills, "Twisters" is the perfect storm.

"High Concept" apparently means "really stupid and poorly thought out".

Junior (1994) is a film that desperately tries to blend comedy, science fiction, and social commentary but ends up being a tedious and unenjoyable mess. Despite the star power of Arnold Schwarzenegger, Danny DeVito, and Emma Thompson, this movie falls flat in nearly every aspect, leaving the audience bored and disappointed.

First and foremost, Junior is painfully boring. The premise of a man becoming pregnant, while initially intriguing, quickly loses its novelty. The plot drags on without any real momentum or excitement. Scenes that are meant to be humorous or touching instead feel forced and uninspired. The pacing is sluggish, and the film fails to maintain any level of engagement, making it a chore to sit through.

Moreover, Junior manages to be offensively tone-deaf to the concept of motherhood. The film's portrayal of pregnancy and childbirth is shallow and insensitive, reducing these profound experiences to mere comedic fodder. The idea of a man experiencing pregnancy could have been an opportunity to explore gender roles and the challenges of motherhood with depth and respect. Instead, the film resorts to cheap jokes and superficial scenarios, trivializing the real struggles and emotions associated with pregnancy.

The supposed comedy in Junior is another significant letdown. The humor is stale and predictable, relying heavily on tired stereotypes and physical gags. Schwarzenegger's attempts at delivering comedic lines are awkward and unconvincing, and even the usually reliable Danny DeVito seems to be going through the motions. Emma Thompson's character, while charming, cannot salvage the weak script and poorly executed jokes. The film fails to elicit genuine laughter, leaving viewers cringing rather than amused.

In conclusion, Junior is a misguided attempt at comedy that misses the mark on multiple levels. It is boring, offensive to the concept of motherhood, and ultimately unfunny. Despite the talented cast, the film's lackluster execution and poor writing make it a forgettable and regrettable viewing experience. Save yourself the time and disappointment and give this movie a pass.

For an 80's boobie movie, this sure does feel wholesome somehow.

"State Park," the 1988 comedy that has quietly garnered a dedicated cult following over the years, stands out as a delightful anomaly in the landscape of 80s teen comedies. This movie, often described as a summer version of the era's quintessential skiing flicks, turns all the expected tropes on their head with a refreshing blend of humor and heart.

What truly sets "State Park" apart is its light and inoffensive approach to comedy. At a time when many of its contemporaries leaned heavily on raunchy and often cringe-inducing jokes, "State Park" opts for a more wholesome brand of humor. The jokes are clever and endearing, making it a perfect watch for those who appreciate a good laugh without the discomfort that often accompanies 80s comedies. This restraint in humor has aged remarkably well, allowing "State Park" to retain its charm and appeal to new generations of viewers.

Set in a picturesque summer camp, the movie channels the energy and antics typically reserved for winter resorts. The camp setting offers a sunny, vibrant backdrop that is both nostalgic and inviting. The film's playful spirit captures the essence of summer fun, making it an ideal escapist flick for those longing for simpler, carefree times.

The plot of "State Park" revolves around a group of teenagers who arrive at the camp looking for a summer of fun, only to find themselves embroiled in a battle to save the park from a greedy developer. The protagonist, Eve, is a determined and resourceful young woman who quickly takes charge of the situation. Alongside her, we have a colorful cast of characters including the charming slacker Lewis, the bumbling park ranger Smite, and the scheming antagonist, Rancwell. Their interactions and misadventures are the heart of the film, as they navigate various comedic obstacles to protect their beloved park.

"State Park" also cleverly subverts many of the 80s staples. The characters, while initially appearing to be the usual stereotypes, reveal surprising depth and development as the story unfolds. The typical jock, nerd, and rebel archetypes are given fresh twists, making them feel more relatable and human. For example, Eve, the strong female lead, breaks away from the usual damsel-in-distress trope by leading the charge against the developer. Rancewell, shows unexpected bravery and cunning when it matters most. The plot, while seemingly predictable, is peppered with unexpected turns and delightful surprises that keep the audience engaged from start to finish.

In addition to its subversive humor and engaging characters, "State Park" boasts a soundtrack that perfectly encapsulates the upbeat, carefree vibe of the 80s. The music, which manages to rip off the song "Oh Yeah" by Yello, adds a playful layer of irony to the film. Moreover, the cheesy appearance by Ted Nugent is a memorable highlight that adds to the film's quirky charm. The music, combined with the vibrant cinematography, creates an immersive experience that transports viewers back to a time of neon colors and big hair.

So this entire movie is just being recounted during a police interrogation? Face it, R.O.T.O.R. is one of the best bad movies there is.

"R.O.T.O.R." is a cinematic gem that defies all conventional standards of quality to deliver an experience so bad it's absolutely good. This 1980s sci-fi action flick is a masterclass in unintentional comedy and bewildering plot choices, making it a must-watch for fans of hilariously awful movies.

From the very first frame, "R.O.T.O.R." sets the tone with its laughably earnest attempt at a futuristic police thriller. The plot, centered around a rogue robotic cop named R.O.T.O.R., is as absurd as it sounds. The storyline is riddled with nonsensical twists and turns, leading to moments of pure, unadulterated confusion that are nothing short of entertaining.

The acting is delightfully wooden, with performances that feel like they were plucked straight out of a high school drama club. Each line delivery is a treasure trove of over-the-top seriousness, adding layers of unintended humor to even the most mundane dialogue. Special mention must go to the film's protagonist, who tackles his role with a level of gravitas that is as impressive as it is misplaced.

Visually, "R.O.T.O.R." is a feast for the eyes in all the wrong ways. The special effects are gloriously dated, with budget constraints clearly evident in every explosion and laser shot. The titular robot itself is a marvel of low-budget ingenuity, with a design that is both comically menacing and endearingly clunky.

The film's soundtrack is the perfect cherry on top of this absurd sundae. Synth-heavy and wildly dramatic, the music sets the perfect tone for every ridiculous action sequence and emotional beat, ensuring that each moment is imbued with a sense of grandeur that the script itself never quite achieves.

In the end, "R.O.T.O.R." is a film that transcends its flaws to become a thoroughly enjoyable experience. It's a testament to the idea that sometimes, the best entertainment comes from the most unexpected places. So gather your friends, grab some popcorn, and prepare for a rollercoaster ride of so-bad-it's-good cinema that you'll be quoting for years to come.

I'm sorry, I already forgot everything about this movie. And so will you.

"A Family Affair" (2024) is a film that struggles to rise above mediocrity in almost every aspect. From its trite and mundane script to its overall tone and feel, which screams Hallmark Original, this movie is a disappointment on multiple levels.

The plot is as predictable as it gets, with clichéd dialogue and uninspired story arcs that fail to engage or surprise the audience. It feels like the writers took every tired trope they could find and stitched them together into a barely coherent narrative. There is no depth, no innovation, and certainly no spark to elevate the story from the realm of the forgettable.

Adding to the film's woes is the atrocious makeup, which somehow manages to make its lead actors look weirdly unnatural. Instead of enhancing their features, the makeup seems to have been applied with a heavy hand, creating an off-putting appearance that distracts from their performances.

The music is another glaring issue. With a score that sounds like it was produced on a Casio keyboard, the soundtrack lacks the sophistication and emotional resonance that a good film score should provide. It does little to support the scenes and often feels more like an afterthought than an integral part of the movie.

In summary, "A Family Affair" is as remarkable as shaving—a mundane and routine task that leaves no lasting impression. Save your time and look elsewhere for entertainment, as this film offers little more than a regrettable waste of an evening.

Don't go running in the park at night! It's not smart!

If you ever find yourself yearning for a film that epitomizes the phrase "so bad it's good," look no further than the 1984 classic Alley Cat. This cinematic gem stars Karin Mani as Billie, a karate black belt street justice fighter whose commitment to poor decision-making is nothing short of legendary.

Alley Cat’s plot is a tangled mess of incoherence and absurdity. Billie, our fearless heroine, seems to have an inexplicable obsession with venturing into the park at night. You’d think that after the first few attacks and a trespassing arrest, she might reconsider her nocturnal strolls. But no! Billie’s dedication to wandering into danger is rivaled only by her proficiency in delivering high kicks to hapless thugs.

Watching Billie’s nightly park excursions is like watching a moth repeatedly fly into a flame. Each visit is an invitation for trouble, and trouble eagerly RSVP's every time. It's almost as if Billie is playing a demented game of tag with the local hoodlums, with predictably disastrous results. You’ll be left wondering if her karate training included a special course on how to make the worst possible life choices.

And then there's the nudity. Oh, the nudity. Alley Cat revels in its gratuitous display of skin in the most bafflingly unnecessary ways. It's as if the filmmakers were contractually obligated to include a certain amount of nudity and were determined to meet their quota no matter how nonsensical the context. Shower scenes, changing scenes, random scenes – no opportunity is too absurd for a sudden disrobing.

The dialogue in Alley Cat is peppered with one-liners so laughable, they deserve a place in the Bad Movie Hall of Fame. Billie’s attempts at badassery through quips and retorts are a masterclass in unintentional comedy. Gems like, "Don't mess with girls in the park; that's not nice!" (its a little worse than that, Billie) are sure to leave you in stitches.

For fans of riffing, Alley Cat is a veritable treasure trove. The sheer absurdity of the plot, combined with the wooden acting and ludicrous dialogue, provides endless fodder for mockery. Gather your friends, pop some popcorn, and prepare for a night of hilarity as you and your crew take on this cinematic disasterpiece.

Alley Cat is a film that transcends its awfulness to become something good, not great but good. It's a perfect storm of terrible decisions, laughable dialogue, and gratuitous nudity, all wrapped up in a plot that makes you question the very nature of storytelling. In short, it's so bad, it's a good time. Don’t miss this opportunity to revel in the glory of a terrible and terribly fun film.

Did Stephanie ever have to worry about the incinerator?

"Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator" is a delightful surprise that defies all expectations. As someone who was anticipating the typical over-the-top antics synonymous with Troma releases, I was completely taken aback by the film's unique charm. This movie is not just another exploitative romp; it's a cleverly written, weirdly funny, and remarkably well-directed gem that stands out in the world of low-budget cinema.

From the moment the film begins, it's clear that this is not your average Troma fare. The writing is sharp and unexpectedly nuanced, weaving a narrative that is as engaging as it is bizarre. The story, filled with twists and turns, keeps you guessing until the very end. It's a testament to the screenwriter's talent that a plot this offbeat can remain so coherent and entertaining throughout.

Humor plays a crucial role in "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator," and it's executed with a finesse rarely seen in B-movies. The comedic elements are woven seamlessly into the fabric of the story, providing laughs that feel natural rather than forced. This film strikes a perfect balance between its darkly comedic moments and its more surreal, unsettling scenes, creating an experience that is both amusing and oddly captivating.

Perhaps the most impressive aspect of the movie is its direction. The film's director, surprisingly, manages to pull off a level of craftsmanship that rivals, and sometimes surpasses, many big-budget productions. The use of camera angles, the pacing, and the overall aesthetic are handled with a sophistication that belies the film's modest budget. Each scene is meticulously crafted, enhancing the narrative and adding depth to the characters in ways that are rarely seen in this genre.

"Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator" is a hidden treasure in the Troma catalog. It's a film that not only entertains but also challenges the conventions of what a low-budget movie can achieve. If you're looking for a movie that is weird, funny, and exceptionally well-made, this is one you won't want to miss. It is a testament to the idea that creativity and talent can shine through, regardless of budget constraints.

Look into your future and see if you're gonna be in any other movies. Looks bleak! 

"Madame Web" is a masterclass in how not to make a superhero movie or really any movie for that matter. From start to finish, it's a torturous slog through wooden acting, a plot riddled with more holes than Swiss cheese, and an antagonist so one-dimensional and implausibly powered that it feels like the writers stopped caring halfway through.

The acting, if it can even be called that, is painfully stilted. Each line is delivered with the enthusiasm of someone reading a grocery list, making it impossible to connect with any of the characters. The supposed chemistry among the cast is non-existent, leaving the audience to endure awkward interactions and flat dialogue that makes the lengthy runtime feel even longer.

As for the plot, it seems the writers threw coherence out the window but more likely were shackled by the studios fidgeting from the "men in ties" department. The story is a tangled mess of nonsensical events that fail to build any meaningful narrative or tension. Plot holes abound, making it difficult to follow the story's logic—or lack thereof. Key elements are either unexplained or glossed over, leaving viewers scratching their heads in confusion.

The antagonist, Ezekiel, is a joke, lacking any depth or motivation that would make him remotely interesting or threatening. His powers are as dubious as their purpose, fluctuating wildly with no consistency or explanation. This lack of a compelling villain drains the movie of any potential excitement or stakes.

The only thing worse than the plot and the characters is the pacing. The movie drags on interminably, with large portions dedicated to watching teenage girls bicker about the most trivial matters. It's excruciatingly dull, making you wish for the credits to roll long before the story reaches its lackluster climax.

In short, "Madame Web" is a painfully boring disaster that fails on nearly every level. Save yourself the agony and skip this cinematic train wreck.

Thrill as J-Lo complains in a chair in front of green screen for 45 minutes. That butt, tho....

"Atlas," starring Jennifer Lopez, aims to be a thrilling sci-fi adventure but ultimately lands in the realm of forgettable mediocrity. The plot, which revolves around a dystopian future and a battle for humanity's survival, is riddled with flaws and holes that make suspension of disbelief a constant struggle. The storyline feels hastily stitched together, with plot twists that are more confusing than surprising.

Lopez's portrayal of Atlas, the protagonist, is another sticking point. The character is meant to be a strong, determined leader, but instead comes across as overly whiny and frustratingly indecisive. This makes it difficult to root for her, as her constant complaints overshadow any moments of genuine heroism or strength.

The dialogue in "Atlas" doesn't help matters. It often feels stilted and unnatural, almost as if it was generated by an AI—mechanical and devoid of real human touch. Characters spout lines that are meant to be profound or witty, but end up sounding awkward and forced.

In the end, "Atlas" isn't terrible enough to be a guilty pleasure, nor is it good enough to leave a lasting impression. It's the kind of movie that slips through the cracks of memory, neither bad enough to laugh at nor good enough to recommend. If you're looking for a mindless sci-fi flick to pass the time, "Atlas" might just do the trick—but don't expect it to be anything more than a fleeting diversion.

Less people get sat on by robots in war, I guess.

So Robot Jox is a conglomeration of many other staples in 1989. You've got a post-apocalyptic setting thanks to the Cold War. You've got a sports related global event ala Rollerball, Deathrace 2000, Running Man, et. al. And you've got robots fighting ala Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots. Ok, maybe the last one was a stretch but you get the picture. Lastly, you've got a critical factor. George Lucas. 

Yes, Lucas made all the money when he kept the licensing rights to the Star Wars franchise and then became the richest man in the galaxy when the toy line was released. Well, Charles Band hoped for no less. With the meteoric rise of The Transformers and subsequent collapse when the killed Optimus Prime within the first 10 seconds of the movie, Charlie say an opportunity to sell giant robots IF the movie Robot Jox was successful. 

Narrator: It was not.

Oh well. But it does add a very interesting connection to another film that wanted to make all the toys - Megaforce. But that's not where the connections stop. There's much thumb gesturing, a general friendship/enemyship between the sides, the general tone and aesthetic, each have Tex characters, a lead that's just a big cheesedick (ok that's a lot of movies), a useless and vague system of resolving conflicts between nations and a female love interest/agitator to the lead that bear strong resemblances to each other.

So as to the film. Well.... its a very interesting world for a PA movie. With most being just roving hordes of bandits running through the desert in junker cars attacking scantily clad women until a lone warrior comes to town. This world is actually more like something out of a sci-fi book with subtle geo-political themes and technological ideas that....well... sadly, go completely unfulfilled and unexplored. The creepiness of the butt hole lead are far more developed and way overindulged. 

How about some positives?  Well the effects are some of the best I've seen from a Charlie Band film. The stop-motion animation brings these colossal robots to life with a fluidity and realism that still holds up today, making the combat sequences believable and genuine. The miniatures themselves are well designed and the fight sequences are gonna give your robot fighting fan all that's wanted for a non-cgi film.

"Robot Jox" is a delightfully goofy, visually impressive film that sparkles but doesn't ever shine. The stunning miniature work and stop-motion animation make it a must-watch for fans of practical effects, and while the protagonist and plot leave much to be desired, they somehow add to the film's quirky appeal. If you're looking for a fun, nostalgic trip with a healthy dose of 80s sci-fi flair, "Robot Jox" is the perfect pick. But for us....we're gonna stay on Team Megaforce.

The Highlander theatrical cannon comes to a close...by making all the same mistakes as the first two movies and we can't thank them enough for it.

Highlander: Final Dimensions is a rollercoaster of absurdity that somehow manages to entertain despite its sheer ridiculousness. From the mind-boggling plot that's as convoluted as a tangled ball of yarn to the laughably bad acting that makes you wonder if the cast drew straws to see who would overact the most, this movie truly embraces its own brand of campiness.

Let's talk about those special effects. Cheesy doesn't even begin to cover it. It's like someone raided the bargain bin at a 90s CGI outlet store and said, 'Yep, this'll do.' But you know what? It adds to the charm. You can't help but chuckle at the sight of the so-called 'epic battles' that look like they were choreographed by toddlers with foam swords.

And then there's Mario Van Peebles. Bless his heart, he goes all-in with a portrayal that can only be described as unhinged. It's like he read the script and decided to throw any semblance of sanity out the window. But hey, at least he's committed, right?

But here's the thing about Highlander: Final Dimensions—it knows exactly what it is. It's not trying to be highbrow cinema or win Oscars. It's embracing the insanity of the Highlander trilogy with open arms and inviting you along for the ride. And what a wild ride it is.

So, if you're in the mood for some mindless fun, grab your popcorn, suspend your disbelief, and dive headfirst into the glorious mess that is Highlander: Final Dimensions. Because sometimes, you just need a movie that's as bonkers as this trilogy to remind you that cinema doesn't always have to make sense to be entertaining.

Its that time of year where we celebrate another year of reviewing and loving bad movies. Each year we count down our individual favorite movies we saw in the last 12 months. If you want to find out exactly which bad movies you should watch right now, this is the episode you'll want to listen to. Can we finally all agree on a #1?

Plus we also countdown our favorite 3 movies released in 2023.

Are you enough of a tough guy verbally to handle how much of a tough guy everyone is in this movie when even the ladies are tough guys? No chance.

"The Rage" is a rollercoaster of a movie, and not necessarily in a good way. Strap in for some truly crazy stunts that will have you gripping the edge of your seat... or maybe just scratching your head in confusion.

Lorenzo Lamas, Gary Busey, and Roy Scheider lead the charge in this adrenaline-fueled thriller, but even their combined star power can't salvage the wreckage of a script that seems to have been cobbled together in a hurry. The dialogue is so melodramatic it borders on unintentional comedy, and not even Busey's trademark wild-eyed intensity can save it.

Sure, there are moments where the action ramps up to heart-pounding levels, with stunts that defy logic and gravity alike. But every time you start to feel the adrenaline kick in, you're rudely yanked back to reality by yet another cringe-worthy set of dialogue.

In the end, "The Rage" is like a souped-up sports car with a faulty engine – it may look flashy on the outside, but once you get behind the wheel, you realize it's headed straight for a cliff.

Hot coeds go to a bowling alley and unlock a poop monster and find death and love in the process.

"Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama" is a delightful romp through the absurd and the outrageous, delivering a unique blend of horror, comedy, and pure camp that is sure to entertain audiences of all tastes. Released in 1987, this cult classic is a testament to the creativity and ingenuity of low-budget filmmaking.

First and foremost, the film's title alone sets the tone for the wild ride viewers are about to embark upon. It promises a mix of sorority shenanigans, grody antics, and the unlikeliest of settings—a bowling alley. And boy, does it deliver! From the moment the opening credits roll, audiences are thrust into a world where anything goes and no joke is too outrageous.

What truly sets "Sorority Babes" apart is its commitment to embracing its B-movie roots with open arms. The practical effects may be cheesy by today's standards, but they're executed with such infectious enthusiasm that it's impossible not to be charmed. From the mischievous imp in a bowling trophy to the gloriously over-the-top finale, every scene is infused with a sense of fun and a knowing wink to the audience.

In the end, "Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama" is a love letter to the spirit of budget filmmaking and the power of embracing the unconventional. It may not be high art, but it's an absolute blast from start to finish—a must-see for fans of cult cinema and anyone looking for a good time at the movies. So grab your popcorn, gather your friends, and prepare to be bowl-o-ramaed!

Its bad. I mean, so, so, so very bad. Like "worst movie of all time discussion" bad.

"Rollerball" (2002) is a cinematic catastrophe of epic proportions. This abomination of a film is a perfect storm of incompetence, delivering an experience so profoundly dreadful that it defies all reason and logic. From its mind-numbingly idiotic plot to its nauseatingly abysmal editing, every aspect of this cinematic disaster screams of ineptitude.

Let's start with the plot—or rather, the lack thereof. Attempting to discern any semblance of coherence or intelligence from the narrative of "Rollerball" is an exercise in futility. It's as if the writers threw darts at a board covered in clichés and assembled whatever they hit. The result is a plot so insanely stupid that it effectively nullifies its own existence. Characters flail about in a sea of nonsensical motivations and contrived conflicts, leaving audiences scratching their heads in bewilderment and frustration.

But the plot is only the tip of the iceberg of incompetence. The editing in "Rollerball" is a masterclass in how not to edit a film. Action sequences, purportedly the film's main draw, are rendered incomprehensible by choppy cuts and frenetic camerawork. Every punch, kick, and jump is shrouded in a haze of confusion, leaving viewers squinting at the screen in vain attempts to discern what is happening. It's a dizzying, disorienting mess that serves only to induce headaches and nausea.

And then there's the infamous night vision sequence—a nauseating descent into visual hell that defies description. This sequence, purportedly intended to add tension and excitement, instead serves as a testament to the filmmakers' complete disregard for their audience's well-being. The frenzied camera movements combined with the sickly green tint of the night vision filter result in a sensory assault of epic proportions, leaving viewers reaching for the nearest barf bag.

As if the technical incompetence wasn't enough, "Rollerball" also boasts a cast whose performances range from forgettable to cringe-worthy. Chris Klein, Rebecca Romijn, and LL Cool J stumble through their lines with all the grace and charisma of cardboard cutouts, their accents veering wildly between inconsistent and outright laughable. It's a parade of mediocrity that only serves to compound the film's myriad failures.

In conclusion, "Rollerball" is unequivocally the worst movie we've ever reviewed. Yes, its a more poorly made and executed that "Mortal Kombat: Annihilation". Its plot is a nonsensical mess, its editing is a nauseating nightmare, and its performances are uniformly terrible. And yet, despite all of its flaws, it remains a must-watch for aficionados of cinematic train wrecks. So gather your friends, stock up on barf bags, and prepare to witness the cinematic equivalent of a dumpster fire. You'll regret every minute of it, but you won't be able to look away.

 Dalton hasn't calmed down much in 35 years but he's gotten a lot more polite when he's punching your nose into your face.

"Roadhouse" (2024) starring Jake Gyllenhaal offers a lukewarm viewing experience that leaves much to be desired. While the action direction from Doug Liman is undeniably thrilling, it's unfortunately overshadowed by a frustratingly lackluster script that feels like a missed opportunity at every turn.

Gyllenhaal steps into the iconic role with commendable effort, bringing his own spin to the character, but ultimately, the script fails to fully utilize his talents. The plot feels disjointed and often veers into the realm of the absurd, leaving audiences scratching their heads rather than fully immersed in the action.

One can't help but compare this rendition to the beloved original, which continues to draw annual viewings from dedicated movie lovers. While the 2024 version has its moments of excitement, it lacks the timeless appeal and depth of its predecessor.

Overall, "Roadhouse" (2024) is not an unenjoyable experience, but it's certainly a one-and-done affair. Viewers may find themselves entertained in the moment, but it's unlikely to leave a lasting impression or inspire repeated viewings.

Rosie O'Donnell does the thing Robert Downey Jr. said never to do and earns all of the internet's hatred...but is it deserved?

"Riding the Bus with My Sister" is a film that falls squarely in the realm of made-for-TV movies, a genre often associated with mediocrity. Yet, within this sea of forgettable productions, this 2005 offering manages to stand out—not necessarily as a shining gem, but certainly as a passable diversion.

On the surface, it's easy to dismiss "Riding the Bus with My Sister" as just another Hallmark Channel movie, known for their often formulaic and saccharine narratives. And while this film does share some of those traits, it also manages to offer moments of genuine warmth and sincerity that elevate it slightly above the typical Hallmark fare.

One of the most notable aspects of the film is Rosie O'Donnell's portrayal of a neuro-divergent character—a choice that has garnered both criticism and praise. It's undeniable that in today's landscape, casting decisions like this would be scrutinized for lacking authenticity and representation. However, it's important to recognize that the fault lies not with O'Donnell herself, but with the industry norms of the time.

The story itself follows familiar beats: estranged siblings reconnecting, personal growth through shared experiences, and the power of acceptance and understanding. While these themes are handled competently, they lack the depth and nuance that could elevate the film to something truly memorable.

In the end, "Riding the Bus with My Sister" is a middling affair, neither deserving of the vitriol it sometimes receives nor the effusive praise from certain quarters. It's a movie that fulfills its modest ambitions without ever truly transcending them. And while it may not be a masterpiece, it serves as a reminder of the limitations and missed opportunities that often characterize made-for-TV productions.

A cavalcade of terrible decisions that 3 Oscar winners and an Emmy winner decided was good for them, gave us a movie that's good for us but no one else.

"Tiptoes" is a cinematic trainwreck that defies all expectations of quality filmmaking. From its cringe-inducing dialogue to its baffling plot twists, this movie is a prime example of how NOT to make a film. Despite boasting not one, not two, but THREE Oscar-winning actors in its cast, "Tiptoes" is a catastrophic failure that leaves audiences scratching their heads in disbelief.

The film clumsily attempts to tackle serious themes, masquerading as Oscar bait with its contrived drama and heavy-handed messages. However, instead of delivering poignant moments, it delivers unintentional hilarity. You'll find yourself laughing at scenes that were clearly meant to evoke tears.

But the real kicker? Gary Oldman, a supremely talented actor, is somehow stuffed into a couch for a significant portion of the movie, both literally and metaphorically. Yes, you read that right. In a desperate attempt at authenticity, the filmmakers thought it would be a good idea to confine one of Hollywood's finest actors to the confines of furniture. It's as absurd as it sounds. Just cast a little person in the role, dammit!!!

"Tiptoes" is a disaster from start to finish, a cautionary tale in the annals of cinema history. Save yourself the agony and steer clear of this cinematic dumpster fire. Even the presence of Oscar winners can't salvage this mess. Unless you're like us, and then its a must watch.

The nachos I ate during viewing were far more explosive.

Blown Away (1994) has all the ingredients for a high-octane thriller, with an explosive premise centered around a former IRA terrorist, played by Jeff Bridges, who becomes a bomb disposal expert. However, the end result is an underwhelming movie that leaves audiences feeling like they've just sat through a 2-hour snooze fest. The film is full of promise, but it fails to deliver on its potential.

One of the most glaring issues with Blown Away is its lack of pacing. Despite the promise of the plot, the film drags on for what feels like an eternity. The pacing is so sluggish that it becomes a struggle to stay engaged with the story. Additionally, the movie is filled with far too many scenes that seem to exist solely for the purpose of having "bomb" in the them. These scenes are repetitive and add little to the overall plot, making them feel like filler.

Another major problem with Blown Away is its failure to establish any real stakes. The film never truly feels suspenseful or thrilling, as there is no sense of danger or urgency. The lack of stakes makes it difficult for audiences to become invested in the story or care about the characters. Its just a guy clipping the red wire frequently. Action wire cutters!

Furthermore, the film is riddled with annoying characters and unnecessary exposition that detract from the overall experience. Tommy Lee Jones's character is especially grating, and his incessant need to crack jokes and spout off one-liners quickly becomes tiresome.

In conclusion, Blown Away has an interesting premise and a talented cast, but it ultimately fails to deliver on its potential. The lack of pacing, stakes, and annoying characters make it a tedious and unenjoyable watch.

Notorious for being one of the biggest flops of all time, can it be as bad as history has made it out to be? 

The 1987 film "Ishtar" and let me just say, is...confusing. The movie seems to have garnered a reputation for being a colossal flop, and while I can understand why some might hold that opinion, I believe there's more to it than meets the eye.

Let's start with the positives. It's clear that Warren Beatty and Dustin Hoffman, two respected actors, had a chemistry that worked on screen. Their comedic timing, though often misfired, had moments of genuine amusement. Moreover, I can't help but appreciate the audacity of the film's premise: two struggling musicians get caught up in a web of international intrigue while trying to make it big in North Africa. It's the sort of outlandish setup that could have resulted in a cult classic if executed differently. Think Romancing the Stone but executed like Condorman.

Yet, execution is where the film struggles most. The jokes, while sometimes clever, often fall flat. The film's pacing is erratic, and at times, it feels like it's meandering without a clear sense of direction. It's as if the film doesn't quite know what it wants to be: a political satire, a buddy comedy, or a musical journey.

Speaking of musical journey, let's talk about the songs. They're bad. Really bad. And that's not a criticism, it's intentional. It's evident that the film's creators wanted to parody the cheesy pop songs of the '80s, and in that regard, they succeeded. Beatty and Hoffman deliver these intentionally bad songs in an intentionally bad manner, and while I respect the commitment, it doesn't necessarily make for an enjoyable viewing experience.

Ultimately, "Ishtar" is a film with good intentions and a willingness to take risks. It tries to do something different and bold, and for that, I can't completely write it off. However, it's clear that it doesn't fully succeed in its ambitions. It's not as bad as its reputation suggests, but it's also not very good. Whether that's enough to warrant a watch, well, that's for you to decide.

I fell in love with these murderous undead bastards and there's nothing wrong with our love!!!

Lisa Frankenstein is a delightful film that takes classic Gothic horror elements and sprinkles them with an unparalleled whimsy. The movie hits all the right notes with precision and panache, creating a memorable viewing experience that leaves a lasting impression. This praise-worthy offering deserves applause for several reasons.

First and foremost, the cast deserves immense credit for bringing their A-game to the table. Each actor fully embodies their respective characters, breathing life into the quirky, offbeat personalities we've come to love. Their chemistry on-screen is palpable, making their interactions feel genuine and heartfelt. From the leading roles to the supporting cast, every performance is delivered with impeccable timing and nuance.

The art direction in Lisa Frankenstein is a feast for the eyes, blending the familiar with the fantastical. The sets are rich in detail, transporting viewers to a world that's equal parts eerie and enchanting. The vivid color palette and imaginative designs create a visual spectacle that's truly mesmerizing.

Zelda Williams' directorial debut is nothing short of impressive. Her vision for the film is evident in every frame, showcasing her talent and passion for storytelling. She strikes the perfect balance between comedy and romance, ensuring that both elements are given their due. Her direction adds depth to the characters and amplifies the film's emotional resonance.

The cinematography in Lisa Frankenstein is breathtaking, capturing the film's whimsical charm and gothic aesthetic with finesse. The camera work is dynamic and inventive, enhancing the narrative and immersing viewers in the story. Every shot is carefully composed, creating a visual masterpiece that's as captivating as it is stunning.

The script is another standout element of the film, filled with witty dialogue and clever humor. The writing is sharp and engaging, keeping audiences entertained from start to finish. The story unfolds with a perfect blend of suspense, humor, and heart, making for an unforgettable cinematic experience.

Last but not least, the score is a standout component of Lisa Frankenstein, enhancing the film's atmosphere and adding depth to its emotional beats. The music is evocative and memorable, perfectly complementing the action on-screen. It's a testament to the talent of the composers, who have crafted a score that's both timeless and unforgettable.

In summary, Lisa Frankenstein is a cinematic gem that deserves all the praise it (erroneously) hasn't received. It's a rare find in today's film landscape, hitting all the right notes with charm and grace. From its stellar cast to its captivating art direction, this movie is a must-see for any fan of fun, quirky and horror comedies with a twist. It's clear that the cast and crew poured their hearts and souls into this project, and their dedication shines through in every frame. If you haven't already, do yourself a favor and give Lisa Frankenstein a watch – you won't be disappointed.

Thirsty vamps get Ubered around town on a poorly thought out territory takeover only to find true love in....Benny?

"Night Teeth," the latest Netflix Original Movie, is a cocktail of clichés served with a side of disappointment. While the premise promises a thrilling ride through the underworld of vampires, the execution falls flat, leaving viewers with a lukewarm taste in their mouths.

One of the most glaring issues with "Night Teeth" is its lack of originality. From the very beginning, it feels like we've seen this story a thousand times before, just with different actors and slightly altered plot points. The predictable narrative unfolds at a snail's pace, failing to offer any surprises or twists to keep the audience engaged.

Adding insult to injury, the characters in "Night Teeth" are as forgettable as they come. There's not a single likable soul among them, which makes it difficult to invest in their fates or care about their struggles. The vampires, in particular, are portrayed as nothing more than smug, one-dimensional jerks who lack any depth or nuance.

As for the lead character, he's little more than a buffoon stumbling his way through the plot. His constant blunders and foolish decisions make it impossible to root for him, and it's frustrating to watch him fall victim to what can only be described as 'the idiot plot'—where the story only progresses because the characters behave irrationally.

In the end, "Night Teeth" feels like a missed opportunity to breathe new life into the vampire genre. Instead, it's a lackluster affair that fails to deliver on its promises of excitement and intrigue. Unless you're a die-hard fan of uninspired storytelling and cardboard characters, you're better off sinking your teeth into something else on Netflix's menu.

When a stuntman as prolific as John Stewart directs an action movie, you better believe you're gonna have a good time.

If you're a fan of over-the-top action, jaw-dropping stunts, and a movie that never takes itself too seriously, look no further than "Action USA"! This adrenaline-fueled extravaganza is a rollercoaster of mayhem, delivering a cinematic experience that's equal parts thrilling and downright hilarious.

From start to finish, "Action USA" boasts an impressive array of mind-blowing stunts that seem to defy the laws of physics. The film takes "go big or go home" to a whole new level, with each scene trying to outdo the last in a glorious display of cinematic excess. The stunt work is so over-the-top that you'll find yourself questioning if gravity even exists in this world, and that's what makes it so darn entertaining.

What sets "Action USA" apart is its refusal to take itself too seriously. In a genre often marked by brooding heroes and intense drama, this film gleefully embraces its own silliness and revels in the joy of absurdity. The characters, while not aiming for Oscar-worthy performances, perfectly fit the tone of the movie, providing just enough depth to keep us invested while allowing the action to take center stage.

One of the film's greatest strengths is its commitment to fun. The plot may be secondary to the jaw-dropping spectacle, but that's precisely the point. "Action USA" is a celebration of cinematic escapism, inviting the audience to buckle up and enjoy the ride without getting bogged down by unnecessary complexities.

In a world filled with gritty reboots and serious action dramas, "Action USA" is a breath of fresh air. It's a time machine to the golden age of action movies, where the primary goal was to entertain and leave the audience with their hearts pounding and smiles plastered across their faces. So, grab your popcorn, suspend your disbelief, and get ready for a wild, stunt-packed journey that's as hilarious as it is heart-pounding. "Action USA" is a triumph of unabashed fun that proves sometimes, bigger really is better!

Revenge is best served at the end of a katana sword that your wife bought for you at the mall. Time to make some floured eggs.

Suit up, ninja enthusiasts, because "New York Ninja" is a wild ride that takes us back to the glory days of 80s action cinema. This 2021 hidden gem, rescued from obscurity, brings us a delightful mix of a ridiculous plot, unintentionally funny fight scenes, an incredibly awesome music score, and an insane villain known as "The Plutonium Killer."

Let's start with the plot – it's so over-the-top and absurd that you can't help but be entertained. From a vigilante ninja patrolling the mean streets of New York City to thwarting a nefarious plot involving plutonium man, the movie embraces every ninja cliché with open arms. The narrative is a rollercoaster of unexpected twists and turns, making it a nostalgic joy for fans of the genre.

Now, let's talk about the unintentionally funny fight scenes. The choreography might not be as polished as modern martial arts films, but that's part of the charm. The exaggerated kicks, flips, and cheesy one-liners deliver a hefty dose of nostalgia, evoking memories of the martial arts classics we all secretly adore. It's as if the filmmakers decided to embrace the quirks of the 80s ninja genre, resulting in scenes that will leave you simultaneously cringing and laughing.

The real star of "New York Ninja" is undoubtedly its incredible music score from Voyag3r. It's a synth-heavy, pulse-pounding masterpiece that perfectly complements the on-screen action. The music not only captures the essence of 80s cinema but elevates the overall viewing experience. Every ninja kick and punch is accentuated by a catchy beat, making you want to jump off your couch and join the action.

And let's not forget about "The Plutonium Killer." Played with maniacal glee by the villain (and voiced by John Berryman), this character embodies everything we love about over-the-top antagonists from the 80s. From the flamboyant acting to the crazy makeup, The Plutonium Killer is a true highlight, leaving an indelible mark on the film's absurdity.

"New York Ninja" is a delightful throwback that embraces its roots and unapologetically revels in the absurdity of 80s ninja cinema. It's a perfect blend of nostalgia and unintentional humor, with a killer soundtrack to boot. If you're in the mood for a film that doesn't take itself too seriously and transports you back to the golden era of ninja flicks, "New York Ninja" is a must-watch. Grab your popcorn, buckle your ninja headband, and prepare for a hilarious trip down memory lane.

A horror movie that thrills its audience with...uh....hmmm...sewing? Oh and a demon is summoned out of loneliness and a desire to have tea parties with dollies. This is so unbelievably bad.

"Annabelle" (2014) is a cinematic catastrophe that makes you question the very fabric of horror filmmaking. From a plot that can only be summarized as "a cult summons a demon who likes to play with dolls," to characters so insipid and carelessly written that you'll find yourself wishing for their swift demise, this movie is a masterclass in how not to make a horror film.

The narrative is so painfully dull that it makes you wonder if the filmmakers were even trying. The premise of a demonic entity toying with dolls could have been intriguing, but "Annabelle" manages to suck every ounce of excitement out of it. The scares are predictable, the tension is nonexistent, and the entire plot feels like a lazy rehash of every demon haunting movie ever made.

Let's talk about Mia, the main character who single-handedly takes the crown for the most inexplicably stupid and careless protagonist in horror history. As she faces supernatural threats, Mia's decisions become increasingly irrational, leaving audiences more frustrated than frightened. You'll find yourself yelling at the screen, not in terror, but in disbelief at the sheer idiocy and carelessness of her actions.

To add insult to injury, the film employs a narrative device that informs us the events we just suffered through never actually took place. It's a lazy attempt at following contractual obligations with the basis for it's "true story" that only serves to render the entire viewing experience utterly pointless. It's as if the filmmakers themselves realized the mess they had created and decided to hit the reset button, leaving audiences with a profound sense of wasted time.

Comparing "Annabelle" to other cinematic disasters like "Monster-A-Go-Go" might actually be an insult to the latter. While both films share the common denominator of  having a plot only to reveal it was all a sham and deserving of zero stars, at least "Monster-A-Go-Go" doesn't pretend to be a good movie.

In conclusion, "Annabelle" is a horror film that fails on every conceivable level – from its moronic idiot plot to its infuriatingly dimwitted characters. Save yourself the agony and opt for a more thrilling cinematic experience, even if it means watching paint dry or staring at a blank screen.

Whether they are spacemen or from 1999 or from before the dinosaurs, The Immortals make some really stupid decisions and are pretty bad for Earth. How bout there can only be none?

If you're a fan of mind-bending and utterly nonsensical movies, then "Highlander 2" is your ticket to an alternate reality where coherence takes a vacation and weirdness reigns supreme.

The film kicks off with a bang, introducing us to the flying porcupine brothers. Yes, you read that right. These airborne creatures are an essential part of the movie's charm, leaving audiences scratching their heads and wondering if the scriptwriter had a secret petting zoo of mythical creatures hidden away or a crack addiction. Either is the only reason why you would include these two boneheads who look ridiculous and act even worse in your Highlander movie.

One of the standout moments has to be the love scene against a dingy city wall. Forget romantic sunsets or candlelit dinners; "Highlander 2" throws you into the lovely ambiance of a dirty wall in a crowded street somewhere between bizarre and uncomfortable. It's the kind of love scene that makes you question the director's choices but also keeps you glued to the screen out of sheer curiosity.

Michael Ironside's character is a whole other level of ludicrous. His over-the-top performance adds a delightful layer of absurdity to the film. You can't help but chuckle at the sheer audacity of his character's antics. Ironside seems to have embraced the chaos, turning his role into a masterclass of overacting that deserves its own spotlight.

And then there's Sean Connery's character, who apparently missed the memo on the rules of mortality. The film doesn't bother explaining how he's miraculously alive again, leaving us to ponder whether there's a magical head-putter-back-on machine somewhere in the Highlander universe or if Connor MacLeod's affection for Ramirez is enough to resurrect the dead.

"Highlander 2" is a head-scratching, eye-rolling, and laugh-out-loud experience that defies logic at every turn. It's a cinematic rollercoaster that leaves you questioning the boundaries of storytelling and wondering if the scriptwriters were playing a game of "how many absurd elements can we fit into one movie?"

If you're in the mood for a movie that embraces the chaos, revels in the nonsensical, and features flying porcupine brothers, "Highlander 2" is your golden ticket to a world where anything goes, and explanations are for the weak. Strap in, and prepare for a ride you won't soon forget – whether you like it or not. We loved it.

The Paul Bros. bench-press their way into our hearts and into a crime caper where they have to put their backs together and look over their shoulders with expressions that say, "You did it?" and "No, I thought you did it?"

In the vast landscape of '90s comedies, "Double Trouble" emerges as a hidden gem that not only stands the test of time but also showcases the surprisingly impeccable comedic timing of the Paul brothers, turning what could have been just another buddy comedy into a riotous joyride.

First and foremost, what sets "Double Trouble" apart is the unforeseen comedic synergy between its stars, the dynamic duo of the Paul brothers. David and Peter Paul's on-screen chemistry is nothing short of infectious, with their banter and physical comedy elevating the film to unexpected heights. The brothers' ability to bounce off each other's energy showcases a natural comedic instinct that few could have predicted, making their performances a delightful revelation.

What truly sets this film apart, however, is its self-awareness. "Double Trouble" doesn't take itself too seriously, and it's this very self-awareness that adds an extra layer of humor. The Paul brothers seem to revel in poking fun at themselves, embracing their public personas with a wink and a nod. This self-deprecating humor not only endears them to the audience but also creates a unique and refreshing atmosphere that keeps viewers engaged from start to finish.

The film's plot, while not groundbreaking, serves as a perfect canvas for the Paul brothers to showcase their comedic prowess. The narrative provides ample opportunities for spontaneous, laugh-out-loud moments, and the brothers seize each one with gusto. The well-crafted humor is not only in the dialogue but also in the physical comedy and absurd situations that the characters find themselves in, making "Double Trouble" a rollercoaster of hilarity.

Beyond the laughs, the film's pacing deserves commendation. The comedic timing is spot-on, with jokes landing at just the right moments, creating a rhythm that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats, eager for the next punchline. The pacing, coupled with the Paul brothers' infectious energy, makes for a film that is not just funny but downright entertaining.

In the end, "Double Trouble" is a testament to the unexpected comedic talents of the Paul brothers and the film's commitment to being a rollicking good time. It's a rare gem that combines self-awareness, impeccable comedic timing, and genuine fun, making it a must-watch for anyone looking to escape into a world of laughter and camaraderie.

Bruce Willis says goodbye in the only way he knows how - by blasting fools with a shotgun. Merry Christmas - you're dead!

If you're a fan of detective movies, you will want a thrilling plot with well-thought-out mysteries and a satisfying resolution. Unfortunately, "Detective Knight Redemption" failed on all fronts. But, honestly, you should care about any of that. Read on.

The plot of the movie is nothing short of stupid and poorly laid out. It felt as if the filmmakers prioritized flashy action sequences and brooding characters over a coherent and engaging storyline. The narrative seemed to be in a hurry to move on to the big Bruce Willis shooting scene, sacrificing any semblance of a compelling detective mystery.

What disappointed me the most was how the movie glossed over Detective Knight's crime-solving process. Instead of immersing the audience in the intricacies of the investigation, the film seemed more interested in showcasing Willis in his signature shoot-'em-up style. It's almost as if the filmmakers assumed that the audience wouldn't care about the detective aspect of the movie, neglecting a fundamental element that defines the genre.

While I can't deny that Bruce Willis doing Bruce Willis stuff has its appeal, it shouldn't come at the expense of a well-crafted detective plot. "Detective Knight Redemption" seems to cater more to fans of generic direct-to-video crime movies who might not mind the lack of depth in the storyline. If you're looking for substance, intricate mysteries, and a satisfying detective experience, this movie is definitely not the one for you.

While it's not a good or really enjoyable movie, it is a special swan-song to one of Hollywood's biggest stars. Yes it's a DTV movie that is generic but knowing what we know about Bruce's health and capabilities at the time of filming is something special. Bruce's dedication to doing something he loved for as long as he could and a group of people around him to help him achieve that goal is inspiring. The film might not be interesting but the production of it is - and that would be a movie I would like to watch.

When you hire a pro, just let the pro do his job. You're still the one smart enough to hire him, lady!

An elf gets ditched by his horrible boss, Santa, and is forced to fend for his life because some bratty girl doesn't appreciate the life her father has built for her as a single dad. Oh and Jeffrey Combs!

Just because we think its nonsense doesn't mean we AND you can't like it, but seriously....

Highlander, the 1986 fantasy film directed by Russell Mulcahy, is a cinematic rollercoaster that manages to be entertaining despite its numerous flaws. To put it bluntly, it's not a good movie in terms of traditional filmmaking standards, but there's an undeniable charm and fun factor that makes it enjoyable for those who appreciate its chaotic nature.

One of the major issues with Highlander is its convoluted plot. The film tries to blend elements of fantasy, science fiction, and historical drama, creating a narrative that feels like it's trying to do too much at once. The result is a confusing and overly complex storyline that often leaves viewers scratching their heads. Immortal warriors battling through the centuries could have been a compelling premise, but Highlander takes it to such extremes that it becomes a total mess.

The acting in Highlander is nothing short of over-the-top, with Christopher Lambert's portrayal of the immortal Scotsman Connor MacLeod bordering on campy. While Lambert's performance may not be a masterclass in subtlety, it adds a certain charm to the film. Similarly, Clancy Brown as the villainous Kurgan hams it up with relish, delivering lines with a theatricality that is both cringe-worthy and oddly captivating.

The special effects in Highlander are undeniably cheesy, even by 1980s standards. The low-budget visuals, combined with questionable choreography in the fight scenes, result in moments that are more likely to induce laughter than awe. However, these flaws contribute to the film's unique appeal. There's a certain nostalgia attached to the practical effects and dated visuals that endear Highlander to a specific audience willing to overlook its technical shortcomings.

In the end, Highlander is a guilty pleasure. It's a film that you can love for its quirks and enjoy for its unintentional humor, all while acknowledging its lack of cinematic finesse. The messy plot, over-the-top acting, and cheesy effects somehow come together to create a cinematic experience that, while far from being a quality film, manages to be a memorable and entertaining ride for those who appreciate its peculiarities. Highlander is a case where the sum of its parts somehow adds up to an oddly enjoyable whole.

Officer Jimmy O'Neil avoids the hard life of hard-boiled cops by taking it easy and just banging ladies, until justice needs some sweet, sweet loving too.

"Dirty O'Neil," released in 1974, is a film that takes you on a wild journey through the low crime streets of suburban Los Angeles. While the movie has its merits, it certainly has its drawbacks, too.

Let's start with the positive aspects. The film avoids capturing the essence of the '70s cop movie, instead choosing to spend most of its time with a goofball musical score and small vignettes of casual sex adventures. The setting and atmosphere are inauthentic, immersing viewers in the smutty life of its protagonist, Jimmy O'Neil.

Speaking of Jimmy O'Neil, the character portrayal by the lead actor is commendable. O'Neil is a charismatic and enigmatic figure, navigating the dangerous landscape of the mundane streets littered with hot babes with a certain flair.

However, the movie's major flaw lies in its plot, or rather the lack thereof for a significant portion of its runtime. Approximately 70% of the film seems to meander without a clear direction, leaving viewers somewhat lost in tedium. It's as if the screenplay got lost in the haze of the '70s counterculture, resulting in a narrative that struggles to find its footing.

Another aspect that leads to this plot absence is the abundance of gratuitous nudity throughout the film. While the '70s were known for pushing boundaries, "Dirty O'Neil" takes it to a level that is an amazing achievement for the time. Yet, the constant presence of nudity can overshadow the potential for a more substantial storyline and character development.

Perhaps one of the most peculiar aspects is the remarkably high female body count attributed to the protagonist, Jimmy O'Neil. Clocking in at a staggering 11, it surpasses even the legendary James Bond's exploits. While this may add an element of intrigue to the character, it borders on the absurd and raises questions about the film's underlying message.

"Dirty O'Neil" is a mixed bag of '70s charm, flawed storytelling, and gratuitous elements. If you're in the mood for a wild ride through the unconventional, this film might just scratch that itch. However, be prepared for a meandering plot with an abundance of nudity that could enhance or distract from the overall viewing experience.

Don "The Dragon" Wilson is not the same guy as the first two or the last five movies. This time he's in prison and......oh sorry fell asleep.

If you're searching for a thrilling martial arts experience, "Bloodfist III: Forced to Fight" ain't it. This lackluster sequel not only fails to capture the essence of its predecessors but falls flat on every front, from its uninspiring plot to its lackadaisical fight choreography.

The storyline, if it can be called that, is a haphazard collection of tired tropes and predictable turns. Don "The Dragon" Wilson stars as the protagonist, but even his competent martial arts skills can't salvage the train wreck that is the script. The narrative lacks depth, originality, or any semblance of intrigue. It feels like a mishmash of recycled ideas from countless B-grade action films, making it painfully clear that creativity took a back seat during the writing process.

The action sequences, touted as the film's main attraction, are a major letdown. The stunt work and fight choreography are downright boring and lack the finesse expected from a martial arts movie. The punches and kicks lack impact, and the overall flow of the action feels disjointed and uninspired. What should be the film's saving grace turns out to be its Achilles' heel, leaving the audience yearning for more engaging and dynamic fight scenes.

Even Don "The Dragon" Wilson, a martial arts veteran with a commendable track record, fails to elevate the film. While he showcases his undeniable skills in various fight scenes, his charisma as a lead actor is sorely lacking. Wilson's performance feels wooden and uninspired, leaving the audience indifferent to the fate of his character. It's disappointing to see a competent martial artist reduced to a lackluster leading role that does nothing to showcase his true potential.

In conclusion, "Bloodfist III: Forced to Fight" is a forgettable installment in the martial arts film genre. With a bland plot, uninteresting stunt work, and a lackluster lead performance, it fails to leave any lasting impression. Save your time and seek out more captivating martial arts movies that actually deliver on the promise of excitement and entertainment.

Dean Cameron is a vampire who doesn't bite people but has to relive the death of his beloved Moana who is killed every 22 years by a pirate wielding a ham-bone. But not this year, buster!

"Rockula" is an absolute blast from the past that's so bad, it's fantastic! This 1990 gem takes the term 'cult classic' to a whole new level. Let's start with the music – it's so gloriously terrible that it somehow becomes insanely catchy. The tunes are like a guilty pleasure you can't help but hum along to, despite their wonderfully cheesy lyrics and over-the-top '80s vibe.

The music videos? Oh boy, they're a whole different spectacle! They're wonderfully goofy, with a delightful mix of tacky special effects and absurd dance sequences that are impossible not to love. They're so hilariously bad that they loop back around to being enjoyable.

Now, let's talk Tawny Fere – she's undeniably smoking hot, but her singing? Bless her heart, she can't carry a tune for the afterlife. Yet, that's part of the movie's charm! Her lack of singing prowess somehow adds to the whole 'so bad it's good' allure. It's like watching a car crash in slow motion – you can't look away, and somehow you're smiling the whole time.

And the vampire bat! Goodness gracious, it's like a Halloween decoration come to life. The sheer goofiness of the vampire bat is just another reason to love this film. It's so hilariously unconvincing that it's endearing. You can't help but chuckle every time it makes an appearance.

"Rockula" is the kind of movie you watch with friends, armed with popcorn and ready to laugh at its glorious absurdity. It's a delightful time capsule of the '80s that's so wonderfully terrible, it transcends badness and becomes a delightful experience. If you're up for a dose of pure, unadulterated fun, "Rockula" is an absolute must-watch!

When going fishing goes wrong, you can always blame cicadas. Actually, just blame cicadas for everything bad.

"Blood Hook," the 1986 cult classic, is a hidden gem that beautifully exemplifies the art of making the most of a shoestring budget. This film's charmingly absurd and delightful combination of elements makes it an absolute delight for fans of offbeat cinema.

First and foremost, the filmmakers behind "Blood Hook" deserve commendation for their remarkable efficiency in utilizing their limited resources. The low-budget nature of the film adds a unique charm, making it even more endearing to those who appreciate a well-crafted labor of love.

One of the standout aspects of "Blood Hook" is its immense riffing potential. This movie provides an abundance of opportunities for witty commentary, turning it into a riotous experience when watched with friends. The quirky characters, bizarre dialogue, and zany situations provide a never-ending source of laughter for all those who love a good riff.

The plot of "Blood Hook" is undeniably silly, but it's exactly what makes the movie so much fun. The story revolves around a fishing competition that takes an unexpected and, quite frankly, ridiculous turn when the fishermen find themselves battling a killer with a deadly fishing lure. This absurd premise is a testament to the filmmakers' willingness to take risks and their dedication to delivering a truly unique viewing experience.

While the ensemble cast is full of quirky characters, the protagonist, Peter, can't help but come across as a bit of a wet blanket. However, his straight-laced nature serves as the perfect foil for the wacky world around him, adding an extra layer of humor to the film. Peter's reactions to the bizarre happenings are priceless, making him an unwitting source of amusement throughout the movie.

But perhaps the most ludicrous and memorable aspect of "Blood Hook" is the climax, where the characters engage in an epic battle using fishing rods and lures. It's a scene that has to be seen to be believed, and it perfectly encapsulates the film's absurdity and charm. The audaciousness of this showdown is a testament to the filmmakers' willingness to go all out and embrace the inherent silliness of their creation.

In conclusion, "Blood Hook" is a charmingly quirky and riotously fun cinematic experience. Its low-budget charm, riffing potential, silly plot, and the unintentional humor of its protagonist make it a must-watch for fans of cult cinema. And let's not forget the unforgettable climax - a truly ludicrous spectacle that will leave you in stitches. Embrace the weirdness and dive into the wonderfully bizarre world of "Blood Hook." You won't regret it!

First off, the plot of "Curse 3" is a rollercoaster of confusion and absurdity. It's a story that oscillates between moments of genuine intrigue and sheer head-scratching disbelief. You'll find yourself constantly asking, "Did that really just happen?" The film's unpredictability keeps you on the edge of your seat, eagerly anticipating the next ludicrous twist.

The characters in "Curse 3" are unforgettable, not because of their depth or complexity, but because of their sheer audacity. From the Christopher Lee's ridiculously dubious doctoring to the over-the-top witch doctor, every performance in this film is a treasure trove of unintentional comedy.

Now, I have to mention that "Curse 3" does have its flaws. It can be a bit draggy in parts, with scenes that seem to go on forever without much purpose. However, these slow moments give you ample time to catch your breath between fits of laughter, so I can't complain too much.

The special effects and makeup in "Curse 3" deserve special mention. They're so gloriously cheesy and outdated that they add a layer of charm to the film. Whether it's the hilariously fake blood or the rubbery monsters, the practical effects in "Curse 3" are a testament to a bygone era of filmmaking.

"Curse 3" (aka "Panga") is a do for connoisseurs of unintentionally cheesy goodness. It's a film that will leave you questioning the choices of the filmmakers while simultaneously appreciating the sheer audacity of their creation. So grab some popcorn, invite your friends over, and prepare for a wild, wild ride into the world of "Curse 3." Double feature this with Curse 2: The Bite and you've got a great bad movie Sunday!

Repo Jake is more like Limpy Tube Steak! Sorry to all who also have limpy tube steaks.

This 1990 cinematic gem starring Dan Haggerty, best known for his lovable role as Grizzly Adams, takes you on a rollercoaster of hilariously bad movie goodness that you won't soon forget. It's a prime example of the "so bad it's good" category that will have you laughing, cringing, and scratching your head all at the same time.

First off, let's talk about Dan Haggerty. Seeing him trade in his rugged mountain man persona for a tough-talking repo man is a treat in itself. The sheer absurdity of the casting alone is worth the price of admission. But, somehow, Haggerty manages to deliver his lines with such a straight face, or straight beard,  that you can't help but admire his dedication to the role, no matter how misguided it may seem.

The plot? Well, it's a mess. "Repo Jake" follows our titular hero as he embarks on a wild adventure involving "repossessing" cars, an evil drug lord, and a demolition derby that he's a unplanned entrant into. 

And let's not forget the supporting cast, which is a mix of overacting, underacting, and just plain bizarre performances. The villain, Lincoln King, is a character you will soon forget, if because he's got no business in the movie to begin with.

The dialogue is another highlight. It's so stilted and cringe-worthy that you'll be quoting lines to your friends for weeks. From cheesy one-liners to unintentionally hilarious exchanges, "Repo Jake" is a treasure trove of so-bad-it's-good dialogue that you'll want to revisit again and again.

And let's not forget the action sequences, which are a glorious mess of poorly choreographed fights and car chases that defy the laws of physics. You'll find yourself both wincing at the lack of realism and applauding the audacity of it all. Yet there is a surprisingly level of expensive stunts (clearly pulled off without permits) for such budget fair.

In conclusion, "Repo Jake" is a great time of unintentional comedy. It's a movie that defies logic, reason, and good taste, yet somehow manages to entertain from start to finish. If you're a fan of B-movies that make you question the choices of everyone involved, then "Repo Jake" is a must-watch. Grab some popcorn, gather your friends, and prepare for a wild ride through the absurdity that is "Repo Jake." It's so bad, it's absolutely fantastic!

Sean Connery puts on some Studio 54 costume, Ator rides around and Linnet gets captured but she's a bird so its ok.

Mahoney and Misses Griswold fall in love with dead people who go out of their way to get them killed, while trying to save a castle from being foreclosed upon. Guess that's a thing...

Who knew that watching people gas up their cars could be such a bland experience?

"Gas Pump Girls" (1979) is a film that perfectly encapsulates the epitome of mindless cinema. From its ridiculous plot to its gratuitous nudity, this movie is a prime example of how a potentially entertaining concept can be utterly wasted in practice.

Let's start with the plot, or rather the lack thereof. "Gas Pump Girls" attempts to follow the misadventures of a group of scantily clad, gas station attendants as they try to save their friend's Uncle's workplace from being bankrupt after he suffers a heart attack. Think "save the youth center from being demolished". It's an inane and convoluted premise that feels like it was concocted during a late-night brainstorming session fueled by too much cheap beer. The story is a paper-thin excuse to string together a series of absurd and disconnected scenes, leaving viewers wondering if there was any point to the movie at all.

One might argue that the film's saving grace is its promise of nudity, which it does indeed deliver on. However, even in this aspect, "Gas Pump Girls" manages to disappoint. The nudity is not only gratuitous but also entirely unentertaining and relegated to mostly just one actress who hated doing it. It feels tacked on, as if the filmmakers were desperately trying to distract the audience from the lack of substance in the plot. Instead of titillation, it comes across as juvenile and cringe-inducing.

The characters in this film are shallow and one-dimensional, with no depth or development to speak of. They are little more than walking stereotypes, and their actions make little sense in the context of the story. It's difficult to care about any of them, and their attempts at humor fall flat, resulting in a film that's not only dull but also devoid of any genuine emotional engagement.

The pacing of "Gas Pump Girls" is painfully slow, with long stretches of aimless meandering and uninspired dialogue. It's astonishing how a film with such a flimsy plot can feel so lethargic and unengaging. The attempts at humor are forced and repetitive, relying on tired gags that fail to elicit even a chuckle.

"Gas Pump Girls" is a cinematic train-wreck that squanders its potential for entertainment. It's a film that is both dumb and boring, with a plot that is virtually non-existent and nudity that adds nothing to the viewing experience. If you're looking for a memorable film from the late '70s, there are countless other options that are far more deserving of your time and attention.

Trumpy finally hits the show and the dirt at the same time. Rick says, "It stinks!" Who asked you, Rick?

Buckle up, space cadets, because "Extraterrestrial Visitors" (or should I say "Pod People") is a journey to the outer reaches of hilarity and absurdity that you won't soon forget! This gem of a film from 1980 takes you on a rollercoaster ride through a galaxy of Trumpy superpowers, dialogue that's more out of this world than the aliens themselves, and a plot that's so poorly thought out, you'll wonder if they were abducted by confusion.

Let's start with the MVP of the movie: Trumpy, the otherworldly being with powers so astonishingly baffling that even the laws of physics scratch their heads. Forget about your typical superhero abilities – flight, super strength, and invisibility – Trumpy can do it all and more. From making toys levitate to turning plants into miniature disco balls (who knew flora loved to boogie?), Trumpy's talents defy explanation almost as much as the plot itself.

And speaking of the plot, it's like they took all the leftover pieces from a dozen different jigsaw puzzles and decided to make a mosaic masterpiece. You've got aliens, a young kid who finds a space egg, a rock band (because why not?), and a bumbling duo of poachers who specialize in pilfering nightingale eggs. Dastardly! The plot twists are so unexpected, they'll make your head spin faster than Trumpy juggling intergalactic fruit.

Now, let's talk dialogue. Imagine if Shakespeare, Dr. Seuss, and your quirky uncle who only speaks in puns had a brainstorming session while on a sugar rush – that's the level of dialogue you can expect. With lines like "To ME, it's a CENTIPEDE. It'll ALWAYS be called A CENTIPEDE!" and the forever classic "It stinks!" you'll be rolling on the floor in fits of laughter faster than you can say "extraterrestrial hijinks."

But let's not forget the true star of the show: the production values. Special effects that look like they were crafted with leftover tinfoil and glitter glue? Check. Sets that seem to have been assembled from the clearance section of a discount space-themed party store? Check. And costumes that make you wonder if the aliens accidentally wandered into a garbage can before landing on Earth? You betcha.

In the end, "Extraterrestrial Visitors" (aka "Pod People") is a masterpiece of unintentional comedy that leaves you with a smile wider than the Milky Way. It's a cosmic collision of bad decisions, wonky writing, and inexplicable choices that somehow come together to create a cinematic experience that's out of this world in all the wrong ways – and that's what makes it so incredibly right. So grab your popcorn, suspend your disbelief, and prepare to be abducted by laughter as you venture into the hilariously bizarre universe of "Extraterrestrial Visitors." It's an alien encounter you won't want to miss!

Eastwood and Sheen team-up to accomplish....nothing really. Its maybe the worst written movie we've done and that includes M. Knight Shamalamadingdong stuff.

Let's start with the positives, shall we? The stunts in this movie are so over-the-top, I suspect the entire budget went into explosions and car chases. It's like they set a new record for the most pyrotechnics used in a single film! If you're in the mood for gratuitous action that defies all laws of physics, "The Rookie" delivers like a pizza on a Friday night.

But now, let's talk about the dialogue. Oh boy, where do I begin? It's almost as if the screenwriters threw darts at a board filled with clichés and put them all in one script. The characters spout one-liners that even your dad would cringe at. And speaking of dad jokes, Clint Eastwood seems to be on autopilot, delivering lines with the enthusiasm of someone who's run out of coffee in the morning.

Charlie Sheen's character, on the other hand, appears to be suffering from a severe case of split personality disorder. One moment, he's a charming rookie cop trying to prove himself, and the next, he's channeling his inner James Bond with terrible pick-up lines that make you wish you could hit the "mute" button on reality.

Now, let's address the plot—or should I say lack thereof? The story revolves around Clint Eastwood's character being a grizzled, soon-to-retire cop who takes on the role of mentor to Charlie Sheen's greenhorn. But, folks, brace yourselves for the plot twist: the mentor becomes the student, and the student becomes the hero. Groundbreaking, right? It's like someone took a clichéd cop movie template and decided to play "mad libs" with it, inserting random action sequences wherever they could fit.

At some point, you have to wonder if director, Clint Eastwood, thought the audience would be so distracted by the explosions that we wouldn't notice the plot holes big enough to drive a tank through. And don't even get me started on the female characters—they seem to exist solely to fawn over the male leads, reminding us that the '90s weren't exactly a pinnacle of gender representation.

In conclusion, "The Rookie" is a perfect case study in how not to make an action movie. If you're in the mood for some mindless entertainment, or you want to host a movie night with friends where you play a drinking game for every cringeworthy line, this might be the perfect pick. Otherwise, you're better off enjoying some classic Clint Eastwood in his better films and letting "The Rookie" remain a relic of the '90s, forever trapped in its own time warp of bad dialogue and nonsensical plots.

Michelle Bauer stalks around LA in slinky outfits on a quest....for blood! Words, don't fail me now.

One of the highlights of "The Tomb" is its nostalgic charm. The film exudes the distinct '80s vibe, complete with cheesy practical effects, low-budget sets, and a synthesizer-heavy soundtrack with corny beats and crummy lyrics that is very Fred Olen Ray. 

The "plot" follows a group of "amateur gynocologists" who venture into an ancient tomb in search of hidden treasures. There, they unlock the tomb of "Nefratis" (played by the always great Michelle Bauer), an ancient mummy vampire who needs blood to stay looking like Michelle Bauer...so, hot. She is kind of thwarted by Dave (Richard Hench) and John Banning (David O'Hara) but really only because she kidnaps Dave's newfound girlfriend, Helen (Suzy Stokey). We're still not sure why she needed to kidnap her for a ritual because she doesn't need to perform rituals to stay hot, she just needs blood. Maybe pretty lady blood will make her even more hot? But come on, lady. You're Michelle Bauer. Save some good looking for the rest of us, greedy guts.

Fred Olen Ray demonstrates his passion for practical effects, and it shows in some of the creative and gory scenes. The film's modest budget may be apparent in places, but the dedication to practical effects adds a certain charm that modern CGI-laden horror films often lack.

However, "The Tomb" is not without its flaws. The pacing can be a bit uneven, with some scenes dragging on while others rush past crucial moments. Additionally, the character development is rather weak, leaving the audience with little attachment to the protagonists, making it challenging to feel invested in their fates.

"The Tomb" is, at times, a fun visit to '80s horror cinema, brimming with nostalgic elements that will please genre enthusiasts and Fred Olen Ray cultists (myself being one of them). However, despite some of his best efforts (the opening credit sequence and his efforts on the practical effects), there's just not enough meat here in the middle of the film. Yes, he manages to keep a little momentum by sprinkling in some knockers during those exposition heavy sections but he could have and has done better with many, many, many of his other films.

Michael Ransom is back but this time he's Brent Huff. Yet he manages to do all the same stuff as Reb Brown and adds on Indiana Jones to his abilities.

So this is an odd version of the "idiot plot". Yes it qualifies because the movie can't happen unless everyone is an idiot. But it gets weirder than that with Michael Ransom's (Brent Huff) actions. All you have to do is plant the slightest seed in Ransom's mind of something and the guy goes for it. Not only goes for it, but goes WAY overboard for it. Consider the beginning when he's told that his former commander, Vic Jenkins (played by a very out of water Richard Harris) is not dead as reported in the news and that the CIA is involved. Well instead of going through proper channels and just asking what the story is, he busts in to the office of the CIA handler and busts his family photo in his face. Maybe start with just asking questions. I mean the guy even had an appointment to meet with him. That meeting ends with a judo chop to the back.

What's great is that after Jenkins is kidnapped (just watch the movie) Ransom is enlisted to go after by the same CIA guy whom he just judo chopped (we have to assume his spinal cord was severed because Ransom is super tough and deadly) and all is good. But once Ransom finds Jenkins, who is unguarded and has no lock on his door, he just goes with it. "Let's get out of here, guy that is supposedly held hostage but has nothing preventing him from just leaving on his own of which makes me suspicious in no way!" Then Ransom, after being told the obvious double cross, is offered a job. He refuses because...? And gives the ransom (??) of $10 million in diamonds to a lady he met that morning. Nice planning, dude. Michael Ransom is a full blown idiot.

Yet the plot isn't what you come here for (although its top notch bad). It's Bruno Mattei's shamelessness. While managing to directly rip-off Apocalypse Now, its subtle enough to get away with. But then he shot for shot steals the truck chase sequence from Raiders of the Lost Ark. Like we wouldn't notice! Its incredibly brazen and incredible.

Strike Commando 2 is missing some of the silly fun of the first film but its just so incredibly stupid and willfully ignorant that its a total do. Brent Huff may not be Reb Brown but we'll take him.

John Voight leads an idiot plot that ends with him being covered in goo but getting to be featured as the star of a documentary filmed by people he tried to kill. Snakes on a boat!

Let's face it: "Anaconda" is not meant to be a serious film. It shamelessly embraces its own absurdity, delivering a rollercoaster of ridiculousness that CAN leave you grinning.

The concept itself is delightfully over-the-top. Giant man-eating snakes lurking in the heart of the Amazon rainforest? Sign me up! From the moment the adventure begins, you're taken on a journey filled with outrageous situations, questionable decisions, and an unapologetic disregard for basic snake biology.

The cast, despite their characters often behaving in the most nonsensical ways, fully embraces the campiness of the film. Jennifer Lopez and Ice Cube's performances inject a dose of energy and charm, while Jon Voight delivers a performance so delightfully Wiseau-esqe that you can't help but enjoy every minute he's on screen. The chemistry between the actors, despite the absurdity of the script, somehow manages to keep you invested in the chaos unfolding before your eyes.

Sure, the CGI may be a bit dated, and the dialogue may not be winning any awards for its depth or sophistication. But who needs all that when you have scenes of a giant snake swallowing people whole and the characters navigating a rickety boat through treacherous waters? It's all part of the charm that makes "Anaconda" such a guilty pleasure.

In the end, "Anaconda" is a prime example of a movie that may be dumb in the best possible way. It's a thrilling and silly adventure that doesn't take itself seriously, and that's precisely why it works so well. So gather your friends, grab some popcorn, and get ready to suspend your disbelief and enjoy a wild ride through the Amazon jungle with this delightful guilty pleasure.

Insurance fraud goes awry when The Kraken pulls down the might Argonautica and Treat Williams flies through the Death Star explosion.

This movie is an absolute gem that will have you on the edge of your seat... with laughter! Picture this: a luxury cruise ship on a routine trip, a group of quirky mercenaries, a humongous tentacled monster, and chaos that ensues. If that doesn't pique your interest, I don't know what will!

The plot of "Deep Rising" is as simple as it gets: a group of badass mercenaries hijacks a luxurious cruise ship with plans to loot it, only to find themselves fighting for their lives against a massive, otherworldly creature lurking in the deep, dark depths of the ocean. Yes, you read that right—monster madness, folks!

Now, let's talk about this majestic beast of the deep. The creature in "Deep Rising" is like nothing you've ever seen before. It's big, it's slimy, and it has more tentacles than an octopus on steroids. And trust me, it knows how to make an entrance! The moments when it pops out of nowhere, grabbing unsuspecting victims and dragging them away, are both terrifying and ridiculously hilarious. Think of it as a mix between "Jaws" and an aquatic Cirque du Soleil show!

But what truly sets "Deep Rising" apart is its ability to balance the scares with witty one-liners and over-the-top action. The script is peppered with hilarious quips, perfectly timed to keep you entertained throughout the movie. The characters are delightfully eccentric, each with their own unique personality, and the banter between them is pure gold. You'll find yourself rooting for these unconventional heroes while wiping away tears of laughter.

In the end, "Deep Rising" is a goofy, fun-filled adventure that knows how to entertain. It embraces its B-movie roots with open tentacles and delivers a truly unique experience. So, grab your popcorn, buckle up, and prepare for a monster movie that will have you laughing out loud and sliming up your couch with a big, silly grin on your face. Dive into the madness of "Deep Rising" and jump your jet ski over a shark or two!

Bruno Mattei and Reb Brown team up to give us an unintentionally hilarious and 80's staples full action movie. Danton better watch out.

Prepare yourself for a wild ride of explosive action and over-the-top hilarity with the 1987 cult classic, "Strike Commando." Starring Reb Brown, this cheesy and hilarious gem is an absolute blast from start to finish, delivering an unforgettable experience that will leave you grinning from ear to ear.

"Strike Commando" is a throwback to the glorious era of '80s action cinema, where macho heroes and outrageous one-liners ruled the screen. Reb Brown's charismatic presence and larger-than-life portrayal of Sgt. Michael Ransom is nothing short of pure entertainment. With his chiseled physique and unyielding determination, Brown effortlessly embodies the quintessential action hero archetype, making every moment he's on screen a delight to watch.

What sets "Strike Commando" apart from other action films of its time is its shameless embrace of its own cheesiness. The dialogue is delightfully cheesy, packed with memorable one-liners that will have you laughing out loud. The action sequences are over-the-top and exaggerated in the best way possible, with explosions galore, outrageous stunts, and a high body count that keeps the adrenaline pumping.

Director Bruno Mattei and the creative team behind "Strike Commando" fully understand the film's campy nature and lean into it with gusto. The result is a delightful combination of unintentional humor and intentional self-awareness, creating a unique viewing experience that is both absurd and undeniably fun.

The film's pacing is relentless, never allowing a dull moment to creep in. From the opening scene to the epic finale, "Strike Commando" keeps you engaged and entertained throughout. It doesn't take itself too seriously, allowing you to fully immerse yourself in the sheer joy of its outrageousness.

To top it all off, the '80s keyboard soundtrack perfectly complements the on-screen action, heightening the excitement and injecting a nostalgic charm that fans of the era will adore.

"Strike Commando" is an absolute riot that delivers on its promise of cheesy and hilarious entertainment. Reb Brown's larger-than-life performance, the film's self-awareness, and its relentless action make it a must-watch for fans of '80s action cinema. If you're looking for a film that offers a healthy dose of laughter and adrenaline, then "Strike Commando" is the perfect choice. Strap in, lock and load, and enjoy the wild ride that is "Strike Commando"!

Terry Hogan finds himself in need of rescue from VR torture by a group of precocious scamps who discover they love the smell of burning man flesh.

First things first, let's talk about Hulk Hogan's acting prowess. Or lack thereof. His line delivery is about as subtle as a sledgehammer to the face, and his attempts at emotional depth are about as convincing as a toupee made of spaghetti. But hey, we're not here for Oscar-worthy performances, right?

The plot is a convoluted mess that feels like it was written on a napkin during a coffee break. Hogan plays a secret agent who is inexplicably also a suburban dad. I guess he wanted to show off his multitasking skills? The story jumps from one ridiculous scenario to another, with more holes than Swiss cheese. It's a wild ride, but not intentionally in the way we enjoyed it.

The supporting cast is a mixed bag. There are a few familiar faces, but their talents are wasted in this nonsensical adventure. The villains are as cartoonish as they come, with evil plans that would make Dr. Evil facepalm. And let's not forget the obligatory kid sidekick, whose sole purpose seems to be providing the occasional cringe-worthy one-liner.

Now, let's talk about the special effects. It's surprisingly full of quality stunts and explosions. For the time, even the laser gun effects are fine. 

Despite all its flaws, "Secret Agent Club" does have a certain charm to it. It's the kind of movie you watch with a group of friends, armed with plenty of popcorn and a hearty dose of irony. It's so bad that it's almost good, but not quite. It's a cheesy mess that doesn't quite reach the so-bad-it's-good status.

"Secret Agent Club" is an absurd, poorly acted, and visually underwhelming film. But if you're in the mood for some mindless entertainment and enjoy watching Hulk Hogan ham it up on screen, then go ahead and give it a shot. Just make sure to bring your sense of humor and a tolerance for over-the-top cheese.

A team of treasure hunters find themselves facing off against cannabalistic mole-men, dinosaurs and a busty alien queen who just wants to find nice man and murder everyone else.

Directed by the one and only Fred Olen Rey and featuring the fabulous Sybil Danning, this movie is an absolute blast of a mess from start to finish. Phantom Empire is like a mashup of every wacky idea that a group of friends could come up with during a late-night brainstorming session. It's got everything you could ever imagine: treasure, spaceships, robots, dinosaurs and even an underground civilization! Talk about a buffet of awesomeness.

One of the highlights of the movie is the fabulous costumes. From Sybil's familiar low cut space queen outfit to the skimpy cave girl bikinis that Michelle Bauer forgets the top for 10 minutes and then Ross Hagens crappy Indy look, it's all pretty funny to see.

So grab your popcorn, put on your most outrageous Indiana Jones hat, and buckle up for a hilarious and outlandish adventure. Phantom Empire is a hidden treasure that deserves to be watched for its sheer audacity and charm. Prepare yourself for a delightful ride through time and space... with a side of knockers and dinosaurs! Yeehaw!

Denise Richards rides on the back of a mechanical dino housing Paul Walker's brain. Well that sound preposterous! Well it is and its great.

Tammy and the T-Rex steps in as a refreshing breath of absurdity and pure entertainment. This 1994 masterpiece (yes, masterpiece!) takes a giant leap away from the conventional somber depths of remakes of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, instead bringing us a low-budget, high-energy romp that defies all logic and embraces its own delightful brand of ridiculousness.

While Mary Shelley's Frankenstein may be lauded for its literary merits and complex themes, Tammy and the T-Rex boldly goes in the opposite direction, serving up a heaping portion of hilarity that will have you chuckling from start to finish. Denise Richards leads the charge, effortlessly transitioning from the realms of serious acting to embody the vivacious and determined Tammy. It's as if she's giving a sly wink to Frankenstein's brooding creature, saying, "Hey, let's have some fun!" Richards infuses the film with her infectious charm, reminding us that not every movie needs to take itself so seriously.

And let's not forget Paul Walker's comedic brilliance as Michael. While Frankenstein may be brooding in a castle, Michael is romping around as a T-Rex, and Walker embraces the absurdity with gusto. His comedic timing is impeccable, and his physicality is on point. From the slapstick moments to the witty one-liners, Walker effortlessly injects the film with a contagious energy that keeps us laughing throughout. Testicular standoff!

Tammy and the T-Rex may not be a financial success like the Naked Guns or Hot Shots from the same era, but that's precisely why it's so enjoyable. It's a wild and wacky ride that revels in its own absurdity, reminding us that sometimes, it's okay to let loose and have a good laugh. So, if you're in the mood for a low-budget gem that defies logic, Tammy and the T-Rex is a true contrarian budget masterpiece along the lines of "Hell Comes to Frogtown". Sit back, relax, and let the T-Rex take you on a delightfully outrageous adventure you won't soon forget!

It's a movie that made me wish I had the power of a mermaid so I could go heal the pain from watching it.

First of all, the plot is all over the place. It's like the writers couldn't decide if they wanted to make a historical drama or a cheesy fantasy movie, so they just threw everything together and hoped for the best. The result? A confusing mess that made me want to pull my hair out. Speaking of hair, let's talk about Pierce Brosnan's.

I don't know what's going on with his hair in this movie, but it looks like a wig made out of cotton candy. It's distracting and honestly, it's hard to take anything he says seriously when I'm busy wondering if he's going to start shedding pink sugar all over the set. Maybe that's why his character is always scowling - he knows his hair looks ridiculous.

The acting isn't any better. The cast is filled with talented actors, but they all seem like they're phoning it in. I'm pretty sure I saw William Hurt dozing off in one scene. Can you blame him, though? The script is so bad that it feels like they wrote it on the back of a napkin during a lunch break.

So, if you're looking for a movie to watch when you're feeling down and you want to feel even worse, "The King's Daughter" is the perfect choice. Just make sure you have some cotton candy on hand to distract yourself from Pierce Brosnan's hair.

A guy named Zed brings guests to his planet so he can chase them to a resting log and then mount their dome on his wall. Free slave bikinis and expensive lingerie for attendees though.

Hold on to your black belts, folks, because "American Ninja 5" is the ultimate karate kick to the face of movie-making! It's so ridiculous, it's actually kind of hilarious.

David Bradley returns as Joe, the American Ninja, in this fifth installment of the series that should have ended after the second movie. This time around, Joe is on a mission to save his girlfriend and stop an evil ninja organization from taking over the world. Sounds simple enough, right? Wrong.

The plot of this movie is about as coherent as a drunk man trying to explain the meaning of life. Predictably, the villain has a terrible profit generation scheme of which he could have made ridiculous amounts of money if he wasn't a bad guy. It's a mishmash of clichés, bad one-liners, and over-the-top fight scenes that defy the laws of physics. And let's not forget about the comically inept henchmen who make the Keystone Cops look like Navy SEALs.

But what really sets "American Ninja 5" apart is the acting. David Bradley's wooden delivery is almost impressive in its complete lack of emotion. And Pat Morita, of "Karate Kid" fame, looks like he's just there for the paycheck.

The fight scenes are so ridiculous, they're almost worth watching just for the laughs. There's one scene where Joe fights off a group of ninjas and teaches his child sidekick how to kill people. Yes, you read that right. And another scene where he uses a piece of cardboard as a weapon. It's like watching a bizarre fever dream.

Overall, "American Ninja 5" is a movie that's so bad, it's almost good. It's a cheesy, nonsensical, and entirely unapologetic action-comedy that's sure to leave you shaking your head and wondering how on earth this movie ever got made. So if you're looking for a good laugh, grab some popcorn and settle in for a martial arts movie that's truly a masterpiece of absurdity.

Growing Pain's Mike Seaver, marries his daughter, punches a cop and takes down a very dumb serial killer with dubious intent. Sounds fun...its not.

Night Game is a disappointing thriller that fails to live up to its potential. The film follows a detective named Mike Seaver who investigates a series of murders that occur during Houston Astros' home night games when a particular relief pitcher gets a win.

One of the biggest problems with Night Game is its pacing. The movie moves incredibly slowly, with long stretches of time spent on unimportant scenes that do little to advance the plot. This slow pace makes the movie feel tedious and boring, and it's hard to stay engaged with the story.

Another issue is its lack of suspense. The movie is supposed to be a thriller, but there are very few moments that actually feel tense or exciting. The murders are not particularly shocking or gruesome, and the investigation never feels like it's building towards anything significant.

The acting is also underwhelming. Roy Scheider, who is typically a strong performer, seems disinterested in the role and delivers a lackluster performance. The supporting cast is forgettable, and none of the characters are particularly well-developed or interesting aside from the very gross relationship between Seaver and his child bride, whose mother he used share "Night Moves" in the back of his '67 Chevy. So there's a chance she's his daughter. Yuck.

Overall, Night Game is a forgettable movie that doesn't deliver on its promises. The slow pacing, lack of suspense, and underwhelming performances make it a movie that's not worth watching.

Ray Liotta is one tough guy and he'll let you know about it. Its The Running Man meets Lord of the Flies and I don't think I asked for it.

So its an interesting idea for a film at this point in time. Ray Liotta wants an action role. Fine. So he's a former military hero who received a life sentence after killing his superior officer who made him do bad things. He's sent to a penal colony but is just too much of a headache so they ship him off to a tropical island paradise. Huh. There he must choose sides between the Outsiders (raiders in Fallout 4) and the Insiders (settlers in Fallout 4). He's poopy about both so instead he tries to figure a way off the paradise island to go back to the dystopian mainland because....he's poopy? I don't know or understand him.

The movie almost could trick you into thinking its good. Good(ish) production design, decent acting, competent cinematography. What it suffers from is two-fold: Its dumb and boring. Which is disappointing. Because if it wasn't dumb it might be "good". If it wasn't boring it might be fun. The plot and character motivations are inane. Why does the Warden have a secret jungle island he can just ship cons over to if he feels like it? What possible benefit is there for him? Why does Ray Liotta's guy want to leave so bad? There's lots of "why" questions here. Secondly, it's an action movie with pretty mundane action. Yeah there's a way too big explosion at the end but for the most part, things are done with very rudimentary CGI and bland stunts by a clearly not Ray Liotta. There's just too much yelling at each other and character origins to make it worth my time. 

But the worst crime it commits is setting up a great statement about private prison systems and punishment vs. rehabilitation and instead tries to fumble around with bland action sequences. I find it to be a frustrating film at best and a snoozer at worst. Sam likes it though.

That time your fiancé turned into a goop monster and had to kill people to stay ungoopy long enough for you to do it for the first time and then kill him.

I mean, there's just that much to see here. This guy moves into an apartment only to be invited to eat some goop and then turn into goop because the spirit of a Jim Jones guy lives in the goop and splits control over your body. He then threatens you (astral interior(ly), its a thing) to turn you into goop unless you satisfy his bloodlust and kill some bums and hookers. Pretty standard stuff here. Oh wait, everyone else in the apartment building has to do the same thing. Oh, and you've got a pesky 22 year old virgin girlfriend sniffing around/wanting to bang on your super gross mattress (it was gross before you became a goop monster, so....I think that's her fault? No its yours). That's nothing really that weird right?

This movie is bonkers. I'm not even talking about the best part of the movie but the plot on its own is as crazy as Death Bed: The Bed that Eats and it goes way past that level in nanners throughout. It is self-aware of how ridiculous it is, but its also incredibly artistic especially when factoring in its very modest $50K budget (even in 1988 this is crazy cheap). 

The only thing that can steer you away from this is if you have a weak stomach but the film helps you out with that by showing the insides of a tummy. Its just hot dogs and fruit salad so nothing to worry about. Barf away!

You know the story. Bear finds coke. Bear eats people. Bear community is destroyed by illicit drugs. Rampant racism takes over bear cops. Struggle is real.

There's not much I can say about the plot that you don't already know. So lets just skip through that. So lets ask this - does it keep the momentum for the runtime that the trailer has? Well...no. Sadly I think that any excited about the movie will be disappointed. Its a little too tame for what you're sold. But if you go in expecting to be disappointed you might be alright. When you've been disappointed by so many movies of this vane, you expect another Wolf Cop. So maybe all that disappointment will work out for you. 

It could be a hall of fame movie but its not. So that's where I'm disappointed. It could have been great. Instead its just pretty good. I hate missed opportunities for hall of fame movies. If I didn't have such high expectations and needs, I'd have probably loved Cocaine Bear. Instead I find it to just be ok and only worth watching the one time.

Bummer.

Hercule Poirot sticks his nose into the show and tells us our business, uninvited! Well told him all the problems with his "detecting".

So this is clearly Cannon Group's best produced movie. The production design is good. The costumes are fine. The locations are expensive and fitting. The casting is good. And that's where the compliments stop.

The plot is far from diabolical. In fact, it's blatantly obvious and with and incredibly stupid motive. Then there's the backstory to the motive which is even more stupid. So because the villain of the film is so painfully obvious (mostly just due to a major actor in the role, hint, hint. Its not like Kevin Spacy just suddenly appears out of nowhere with no mention in the credits) 50% of the movie is just the cast tutting around waiting for the plot to start and then the next 40% is Hercule Poirot tutting around and wasting everyone's time. Its not that its tedious because most of it is stupid but it is completely unnecessary and defeating when the reveal finally happens. You're left saying "why did I have to sit through all that build up for that?"

It's not that its really that bad, but unless you love ALL whodunits or you're an Agatha Christie completionist (I guess that's redundant), you can skip this one.

Dudikoff returns as Joe Armstrong but does any of the magic of the first 2 films come with him? And can David Bradley match up to his Alpha Ninja? And can Karl stand in for Steve James? Nope, uh uh and wowie no way man.

So basically, our boy from AN3 Sean (David Bradley) pairs up with his buddy to save some POWs held captive by a snobby Colonel Neil Diamond and his terrorist pal Shah-Blah-Blah who want $50 million and blow up a nuke in NYC. Well Sean and Carl get nabbed and tortured so the USA calls in ol' Joe Armstrong to ninja up and kick his way through a ninja training camp to free them all. The usual stuff here. Along the way he travels to Barter Town, fights in Thunderdome and recruits a horde of barbarians to invade the baddies fortress. Joe then finds the captives, proves his superiority to Sean, kills Sean, finds out dead Sean is an imposter (because?) and then wanders off.

So its the worst of the AN series and by quite a ways. There's very little remarkable in it outside of the lunacy that I mentioned last paragraph. The ninjas are dumb. The stunts are boring. The fight choreography is mushy. And the villains suck. There's also a ton of filler with the middle section mostly consisting of Sean, Karl and Sarah (Robin Stille) getting smacked around, Joe sharpening his sword (which he never uses) and the baddies cackling ala Dr. Evil.....for 40 minutes.

It's still a do, but just barely and not for anyone that isn't a baloney ninja action movie fan.

Its pretty much a VH1 Behind The Music episode but with a lot more naked chicks.

Look, if you like Motley Crue (insert the umlauts on your own, bub) good for you. I'm not here to bash your taste in music. I think they have some ok jams and some terrible ones as well but that can be said about anyone (including The Beatles and Led Zeppelin) so enjoy your cassette tape of Decade of Decadence and rock on. This however is a podcast about bad movies and so this whole thing will be about the movie. And this movie sucks.

My problem with The Dirt is that its not a movie. There's no plot. There's no character journey. They start out as "fucking idiots" and end as "fucking idiots". "Well, its a biography pic", you might argue. "Sometimes people don't have any character arcs because they aren't characters, they are people." Ok, good argument. Except...

It isn't a damn biography. They movie even comes right out and says its all bullshit (delivered by Iwan Rheon's Mick Mars). Which is fine...if you're sitting around talking rock folklore with a dude wearing a Motorhead (stop it with the umlauts, dammit!) t-shirt. But this is outright revisionist history and by declaring some of it is bullshit so that it looks like a movie makes ALL of it bullshit and then what's the point of it anyways?

I'll tell you what. A celebration of infantile misogyny and entitlement. This is a man-boy jerk-off fantasy. "Wow, look at those guys shit on everyone they ever met and smack women around. Sure wish I could do that." said a future election denying mom's basement dweller. I'm over the romanticizing of hair metal excessiveness. None of it should be looked on fondly or celebrated. They were shitty people then and they are shitty people now.

Watch if you like excessive nudity though. I could use my time better though.

Sasquatch finds the love of his life and then her husband smashes his head with a rock. Shakespeare it is not.

So a couple get hit with rocks and get lost in the woods. What ensues is Squatch gets a crush on the lady and wants to have some alone time with her. Standing in his way is some rednecks, her husband and a local sheriff that's coming down from a bad peyote trip. And its way weirder than that. Its a tiny little indy-budget movie that is like the John Wick of DTV horror films as in someone that is GREAT at makeup directs and writes a movie. The makeup is great (like the stunts in JW) but the story is baffling (unlike JW) with the world of Bigfoot being very confusing and dubious. Throw in some Native American weapons and some bark armor and Bigfoot just gets weirder and weirder.

Apparently, what Squatches are, is the spirits of deceased Native American chiefs. So there is no lady Squatches, I guess. Much like the Catholic clergy (too soon?) that's a problem as our Squatch is a randy bastard who stalks our heroine for the sake of making some squatch/human baby hybrids. Oh, it gets weirder. A bog witch becomes involved and we're still not sure whose side she is on. 

Eventually, there's much murder of rednecks and buckets of gore with Squatch bouncing off trees like a ninja. Which is all fun. But there's too much not that surround this that makes it not awesome.

It's bizarre and dumb but it still may not be for everyone. If you like creature-features its a do. Everyone else might want to take a pass. 

Is there a Blood Hunt? Are there actually ninjas? Is there anything in this movie at all? Hopefully we have answers but its not looking good.

So I'm gonna try to sum up the plot here. A pair of criminals launch their criminal empire by stealing the box office of a local karate tournament. Ten years later, they plot to create a super-virus to sell to terrorists but in order to prove it works, they must inject it into the world's toughest ninja and watch him die. To do this, they have their lead ninja disguise herself as his adoptive karate dad and the secretary for the Ministry of the Interior....nope I can't do it. This crap makes no sense.

I mean this plot is nanners. Its not the idiot plot because the idiot plot requires an clear and achievable goal by either the protagonist or the antagonist. I literally have no idea what these guys are going for here. I mean its the kind of thing you write on a bedside notepad after a wild dream and think you've got the next Academy Award for screenplay on your hands and then you wake up and attempt to read it and all you can manage to decipher is "banana dogs". You then throw that note away. Well not for Cannon Films. They made that dream into reality and it stinks.

Aside from that is the ninjas. They are awful. These are probably the worst ninjas in film. They are bad at martial arts. They aren't sneaky. They appear to just be hourly employees that aren't ninjas but are dressed as such because the uniforms were cheap. Our heroes aren't much better. Steve James at least looks like he's done action scenes before but he's the sole bright spot in that dept.

I may be making this sound unwatchable but really AM3 is pretty fun. Its doesn't hold a candle to the first one but its a great bad movie Sunday especially in a double feature. Its a do!

Nic Cage has to team-up with his partner "Dead Meat" and a 16 year old bullied teenager to take down a team of bank-robbing mercenaries that have a combined IQ of DUUUUMMMMBBBB. Here comes the idiot plot.

Yes its a DTV Nic Cage movie. You probably know what you're getting into with this. Is it his worst? No. Is it fun? Well.....If you like the idiot plot (all drivers of the plot must be total morons or the movie doesn't happen) then yes. You'll like this. Is it the movie we wanted to see out of this premise? Nope. The thing is that the heisting aspect and subsequent danger our protagonists are put into is so incredibly trite and somewhat uninteresting that 3/4 of the movie is checkout time. We've seen it all before. Guys go into building, take hostages, unprepared police find a way to take them down. What is different is that the villains are absolute idiots. Their entire plan appears to have hinged on illegal parking. 

"Oh no, we've lost our parking space. What do we do?!?!"

"Only thing we can do. Kill the hostages and then walk out the front door into a hail of bullets."

"Good thing we put you in charge because my plan was to try to use leverage to get a chopper or even just go out the back of the building. Man, am I stupid."

Its really hard to root for the good guys here because the bad guys are so completely worthless. Which completely takes you out of the movie and leaves you wishing you'd just watched Kenny go on a ride-along and find a new father figure who takes care of that bully problem. This is a don't bother.

Gary Busey does some crimes, gets the chair and with the help of his momma hatches a very dubious but tasty way to enact his revenge against those that he did crimes against. I don't know. Look he's a talking murder cookie. What do you want here?

Ok this isn't exactly Macbeth here. Its a Charles Band movie called The Gingerdead Man. Its ridiculous. I think you know the level of intellect that is being tossed at you. You shouldn't be that surprised to know that this movie is a stinker. But what you might not expect is...that its kind of fun. Well why wouldn't it be? Well because of a slew of similarly stupid movies that have come out in the last 20 years. Some gimmick like Sharks From Mars or Tiny Tim But He's a Murderer or Octopusindomikhan or Dead People Who Are Famous Fight Vampires or... well you get the idea. The Asylum is especially to blame for this and you all know how we feel about their lazy garbage. So The Gingerdead Man likely has been on your radar in the same vein as their crap. But...its really not like their crap.

The Gingerdead Man is a terrible movie. Its a Chucky knock-off for the most part with its afore mentioned gimmick. BUT because its Charles Band, there's always some level of vaudevillian charm to it. Its hokey but cute. Its dumb but silly. And at no point is it the lazy crap that relies solely on its title to get you to watch it and instantly regret picking up a copy of Tornadodactyls vs Mittens, the Robot Cat.

Its a do from us.

Yeah these guys aren't taking over a mound of dirt. A handful of little and very inept ETs come to Earth to mess up the holidays for a family. Little did they know, they aren't good at anything.

So its a super 0 budget film that is put together by the Polonia brothers as part of their long running series of hobby films. That might turn quite a few people off but somehow this one that should cause some nausea manages to maintain a level of charm throughout. There's no sense of "I'm making the next Gone with the Wind" ego that comes with similar film makers, like Neil Breen or Tommy Wiseau. There's also no garbage hot take like you get with James Nguyen. There's just this sense that they wanted to have fun making a movie and that comes across very clearly.

The acting is probably the best/worst (says you!) part of the film as everyone cannot deliver a single line. It's not Troll 2 bad but it nears its level and is just a few really bad lines of dialogue away. There's just not enough opportunity for anyone to really blow it. But blow it they still do and its great. Second to that is the nonsensical plot that leaves the viewer wondering what the heck the aliens goal even is, let alone how they mastered interstellar travel. I'm these little buggers are so incredibly stupid and manage to get themselves killed more than anything. How its possible there is a body count of 3 here is beyond me as its not really clear how these guys harm anyone. I guess they are bitey? Also are they eating people? Who can tell? Lastly, the effects are atrocious as the aliens themselves look terrible and the post-production done with Video Toaster is the stuff of your local TV station making car lot commercials 20 years ago.

Its not for everyone but this will fall into the "its so bad its good" category for many fans of the genre; myself included.

Planning on holding hostages over the holidays? Better think again, because Santa will straight mess you up in so, so, so many ways.

In the late 70's and 80's there was a string of terrible "Christmas" movies that featured Santa or a Santa facsimile going on a murderous rampage (Santa's Slay, Santa Claws, Silent Night, Deadly Night 1-3, et al.). It could be an easy mistake to confuse this movie with that band of sellout cash grabs. Violent Night is far from any of those films.

While it does pay a little homage to that group along with other Xmas classic films (Die Hard and Home Alone being the biggest and most obvious), Violent Night is a true Christmas movie. Ok, well maybe not one that you watch with the kiddies and bitchy old Aunt Linda (she hates everything anyways) but one that could easily become an annual tradition in the right circles. Think Machette Kills but with Santa going berserker (spoiler: see what I did there?) on a group of heisting baddies, with the true spirit of Christmas being found by the end of the ride.

David Harbour's Santa is without a doubt the most likable Santa ever captured on film. All those other guys with their holly jolly that is without flaw and immune to the realities of the world (just gonna laugh and drink cocoa the rest of the year while millions die from disease and war, huh Santa? Jerk.) isn't what Harbour's Saint Nick is about. He's crushed by the way he's seen the world play out over the last century. He's tired of greed and people losing touch with caring for each other. He's a broken man and one whom audiences identify with. His disgruntling isn't just for laughs like cliché driven films are. There is a point to it all, just like everything else in this very well written film. The rest of the cast is also great with some top tier villainy and Grinchin' from John Leguizamo (Johnny Legs as he's affectionately monikered on Stinker Madness) and some real old rich bitching from Beverly D' Angelo.

We can't say enough about Violent Night (our podcast took almost 2 hours because there's just so much to say) and we think its one of the best Christmas movies of all time (I'm serious). It shouldn't have worked and could have easily been a 2 star movie but the production group knew what they were doing (the minds that also brought us Nobody and Bullet Train) and didn't get sidetracked from the concept. Execution is at a 10 (in a few ways *wink*) and we don't see enough of that in film.

Go see it. Thank us later. Actually thank the people who made this instead by seeing it twice.

Over-editing, bad actors and continuity problems plague not just the film but the Miami Sharks as well in Oliver Stone's complete mess of a tale about football (maybe).

Let me just start out by saying, I despise this movie. I didn't want to do it for the podcast. I still wish we hadn't. Its an insufferable mess that is 2 and 1/2 hours of my time wasted. I'm not a big sports movie guy and I'm especially not a big football movie guy (name a good one and don't say Brian's Song. That's not about football but this one isn't either, I guess) so going into this had some baggage that I was dragging into it. Maybe if I liked these types of movies, I'd have gone for it? 

Probably not. See the problem isn't the sports here. There's actually some really great photography done and execution of action is top notch. My problem is that it is completely devoid of a plot/point. No character comes out in any different shape then when the film started. Nothing transpires that make me feel something. The script is ridiculous. Reality was not something considered. The rules of the game are ignored. And the editing....oh my god the editing. Its so over done that frequently throughout the film, characters end up getting, what I'm calling, "Oli-Vision" in which whatever nonsense was rolling around in Oliver Stone's brain manifests itself in visions to them. It could be nerves or injury or the desire to win that causes Oli-Vision, the cause isn't clear. I hope I don't get it though as watching someone else's Oli-Vision is enough for a lifetime.

I find this thing odious, tedious, superfluous, and ostentatious. I'm sure I could find more ious words but then I run the risk of giving you Justi-Vision, which would make me a dick.

Don't waste your time here. But do waste your time listening to us talking about it.

Go to a beach resort and find yourself craving Worther's and looking for the Ben Gay. M. Knight is back on the podcast for another chapter in his nonsensical filmography.

So if you saw any trailer for this movie (see above) you already know the hook and most of the plot. You might expect some big twist considering the director and there is one but its very small and doesn't really change much so we're going to not worry about it very much here. What we are going to worry about is the incredibly stupid and nonsensical plot of being trapped somewhere that makes you age rapidly (50 years in 24 hours to be precise). Let me start by saying that there are plot holes big enough to drive a truck through. Some of that is physics based, some of that is "well we can't put that in a movie", but the biggie is that it breaks its own rules, which is a staple for M. Night Shyamalan.

At one point a character (a hemophiliac who has a nose bleed for unknown reasons) gets cut on the cheek only to have it heal immediately. Ok fine. Rules of the movie is that you get Wolverine's healing factor along with speed ageing. But just a few scenes later the same character is stabbed and doesn't heal. He dies. Ok, well maybe the stab wounds are too deep? No as evidenced by emergency surgery performed that has such quick healing they have to pull the flesh apart so that it can't heal before the operation is done. So this guy ain't dead. Later a man dies by tetanus - except tetanus is a bacteria. Fine, except nothing lives on this island because it can't reproduce fast enough. The rusty knife would have just been that - an oxidized iron covered blade that would have the same rules as the other healing. Then there's the mass problem that they barely try to fix inside the film with dialogue. The children grow to adulthood. Say that they put on 100 pounds on the low end in 24 hours. Well they eat alot, I guess (seems like they were busy doing other stuff to eat but whatever) In order to put on that 100 pounds they don't just have to eat 100 pounds of food - the body isn't that efficient. We do something everyday that is a source of great comedy for this podcast - pooping. We only absorb a fraction of our food and the rest goes out the backend. So they'd have to bring about 500 pounds of food per child (they don't) and then you've got a huge waste problem..... like 400 pounds of crap huge. Then there's periods, menopause, teeth, nails and hair (movie's explaination doesn't work here) and decomposition (no bacteria or ooey gooeys to eat your bod, right?). And there's probably quite a few we missed.

BUT that's not the only problem here - the acting is pretty terrible. The dialogue is atrocious. And some of the "horror" comes off as ridiculously funny.

Despite all this, it may be Shyamalan's best made movie. If you're into plot holes then its a do for you, but the masses should probably skip it.

The Russian mafia hatches a plan to blackmail America with the threat of Greek Fire microchip bombs delivered via Chinese counterfeit Levi's. The only thing standing in their way is CIA agent and his mark, a pants seller. Whatta bombshell plot!

So its the film that kept JCVD out of movie theaters all the way until The Expendables. And there is a pretty good reason for that. Its either a) confusing, b) vague, c) nonsense, and/or d) completely stupid. Which I guess, makes its more confusing than anything. The biggest problem is the editing. This suffers from that terrible time in the late 90's and early 00's of over editing and slo-mo in scenes that don't call for it. There was also 20 minutes of action sequences cut out of the film and instead all the Rob Schneider stuff is left in. Nice.

BUT what does make it in the film is one of the dumbest plots in an action movie and that's saying something. Its all about the pants. The CIA has three independent teams working on counterfeit pants....for years. These are deep operatives embedded in the Hong Kong industry of knock-off pants. Huh. Then the plot to blow up America with tiny bombs sent overseas by cargo freighters is such a unholy terrible plan. I don't think its gonna work out, Russian mafia. 

There's a lot of good and fun shenanigans abound but sadly it just suffers from too many moving parts and very unclear editing. Which still makes it a "do" but its not a guarantee that you're going to like it.

Snoop takes us on a horror ride in an anthology shaped Cadillac as he collects to souls of the damned to be his neighbors as he rules the subdivision, The Hood of Horrors, in hell. Get ready for a grotesque block party!

So go into this knowing that it only cost $5 million in 2006. That's not a ton of money. With that knowledge in mind, this is an very tight efficient little package. You've got animation (not cheap) and a cavalcade of guest starts (not cheap either) and some seriously clever makeup and effects (also not cheap). Director Stacy Title did a very good job of keeping this thing on track and seamless.

Sure, it can be a little much at times (there might be a little too much attitude) but there's far more fun to help you get past too much butthole talk. Arguably it has one of the Top Ten on screen comedy deaths of all time. The rest of them also go pretty swimmingly as well with one managing to sneak in excessive comedy farts which I'm just never going to get sick of. 

Its just a fun little anthology that really isn't any lower quality than any of the other Halloweeny anthology that you put on a higher shelf, like Freakshow and Tales from the Crypt. Its not going to be in anyone's favorites list but its a good time and fun enough for Spooktober.

A poisonous cat climbs into the body of another cat, escapes onto a crime yacht with some sexy coeds and proceeds to commit its own vigilantism. Its full on cat justice!

So let's get to the point - Uninvited is sheer ridiculousness. Its a GREAT bad movie. Every aspect of this thing is exactly what you're signing up for, especially if you like baffling and non-frightening movie monsters. Plus you've stacked all that with Stinker hall of famers Greydon Clark, George Kennedy and Clu Galager. Supplementing the cast is a very hot and totally 80's fashioned Clare Carey that went on to be the wife of Coach. Damn you Craig T. Nelson!!!!

So the cat - its very unclear on what the cat is. Best we can piece together is that there is a cat with a chip on its shoulder from being medically experimented on, gains some super powers, finds another cat and crawls inside it to disguise itself as just a precious little housecat so that it can get the Meow Mix. It's just a total misunderstanding that the cat is a monster - it's just out there enacting cat justice against some really bad people. Leave the experiment kittie alone! It just wants a nice home like we all do, dammit!

Instead, 3 Garys find a couple bang ladies who have access to a yacht owned by an embezzling (?) villain and his man mountain henchmen/business partner. On the way to the Caymans, the cat breaks the boat (loud noises pisses cats off) and so they get picked off one by one for just being horrible people (except Clare Carey - she gets a pass for being too hot). Once the climax begins, buckle in because its one of the most ridiculous and hilarious endings in bad movie history.

This isn't just a do, its a mega do.

Lets put a terrible cast with no professional singing experience around a terrible script all while performing some of the worst music ever recorded. Time for Stinker Madness to step on some hair metal feelers.

Now don't go storming the capital, but the late 80's hair metal/butt rock genre is a bunch of garbage. Which is fine. But this movie isn't. It's garbage. Nothing can be forgiven here, such as a time and place that the Sunset Blvd rock scene was all about in the late 80's. This is just nostalgia for a time when being a terrible person was celebrated. And it sucks.

Its way too long. Has too many songs in it. Too many sub-plots. Too much "general audiences" editing. And too much people feeling sorry for themselves. 

The performances are horrible. No one here (with the exception of Mary J. Blige whom you just feel bad for) has any vocal talent showcased by the lead Julianne Hough with her faux Britney Spears nasal whine. I will give everyone a little credit because Baldwin, Brand, Cruise and Ackerman have no business being in a musical and it's clear they did their very best. No one muddles through. Ok maybe Baldwin who clearly didn't want to be there. 

Go see a Baz Luhrmann movie and then nail your head to the floor instead.

Air humping in leg warmers meets journalistic malfeasance and everyone's lives are ruined. But hey! Jaime Lee is hot, so I guess that's ok.

Hailed as the film that ended Travolta's career (briefly, lets be honest) and set Jamie Lee back a few years, Perfect is anything but. Its way too long for such a paper thin plot and is stuffed with repeated unnecessary and irrelevant scenes that keep it dragging you into the depths of your sofa. Pedantic would be an understatement.  But poorly acted is not how we would describe it. At worst, the acting is "meh", "whatevs" levels aside from Jaime Lee who is pretty darn good here. Even Travolta who we love to bash on did just fine. It's not the actors who are at fault here.

What IS wild about this is how heavily involved Rolling Stones magazine is, while also managing to paint the rag in a very bad light. Its somehow screaming out to us in 1985 "WE DON'T ACTUALLY DO GOOD JOURNALISM! DON'T TRUST US!". At no point, would I have wanted to place a subscription after watching this so...good job?

The plot is baffling and falls into the nonsensical realm of stinkers. Its border-line idiot plot, but also manages to make zero sense and is clear that no one involved knew anything about either federal espionage law, the FISA act, or subpoenas. Yes I know that maybe the majority of Americans don't but we aren't writing movies about that material either. A lot of the film's dumbness could have been avoided with just a single call to an attorney. 

Lastly, the film manages to step on its own John Thomas. In the climax of their relationship, Jamie Lee's Jesse Wilson deletes the article that Travolta's Adam Lawrence was writing (poorly) about gym life and how his main focus is a sexually liberated Linda who uses the gym as a place to meet dudes, in her endless pursuit of perfection. Jesse declares it will ruin her life just like a reporter once ruined her own - EXCEPT Jesse has never even met Linda from what we know AND Linda wanted the article to be exactly about that part of her life. The whole thing could have been a statement article on the decade and changed Linda's life for the better but instead Jesse destroys the whole thing (except she never saved the file on the 1985 word processor - oops) and everyone's future along with it and we're supposed to appreciate her position?!?! No she had the power to change LA and thus America's viewpoint of women and what a woman should be, likely allowing Harvey Weinstein 30 years in the business. #metoo could have happened 20 years earlier (saving a lot of people a lot of pain) if stupid Jesse had just kept her grubby little mitts off Adams work. But then Adam does something equally terrible - he rewrites the story as a fluff piece just to get back in Jesse's drawers. He should know better than Jesse about what the repercussions of that original article would have done but instead trashes the whole thing so he could get some gym rat ass. And that's worse that Jesse's actions - she's just a gym instructor. He's a crummy Ben Fong-Torres. Save America? Nah, sweet sweet leotard's crumpled by the bed for Adam!

The movie sucks. Skip it.

A lack of the scientific method causes a medical failure that could still be cleared up with just a simple conversation. Yes, the MCU has their own idiot plot now.

So basically, Michael Morbius has a rare, but vaguely proclaimed, bone/muscle disease that gives him and his bestie "Milo" (played by Matt Smith) a ticking clock of death that requires him to create a remedy that he alone can test on himself. I think I've heard of that before. Maybe from Robert Louise Stevenson. Anyways, he takes the potion and becomes a vampire-bat-man. Not a vampire. A man who is also a vampire bat. Milo sees his powers and decides to join him, but eats too many people so they have to fight.

Morbius is a DEEPLY flawed movie. As mentioned above, the whole thing could have been avoided with the use of the scientific method. Which could have worked if Morbius was an outsider, alleyway style doctor. But he's not. He's supremely famous and has saved so many lives that he's awarded the Nobel Prize. Pretty sure he knows about the scientific method. Secondly, to skirt the law to make his cure, he takes his lab into international waters - and then staffs the ship with mercenaries who have guns. Why did you hire gun-guys?!?!? Lastly, after he becomes a man-bat, he could have just sat down with Milo and come up with a plan for the next step that completes their research and fixes the issue with the cure. OR become vampire guys that aren't idiots who just eat random people. 

Then there is the fact that the movie tells us our hero is Morbius and our villain is Milo - even though they do the exact same thing and have the exact same character trajectory. Morbius ate the mercenaries. Milo stalks and eats some douches at a bar. That doesn't work.

Lastly, it looks like dump. It is so based on rehashing cheap CGI that Sony used in other movies and bad character design because it "looks cool" and isn't actually. The teeth are too much. The "bat-aerodynamics" glow is butt as hell and it doesn't make any sense. The bounce fighting is vague and impossible to have a clue what is going on. Its just a mess of visuals that weren't well thought out. It is as if there is an "effects meter" and they had to get to a certain level for the film to be released so they just crammed effects in until they got there. Work done, boys. Time to go home!

Morbius has very little to enjoy and is mostly just a joyless experience, even if your there to lampoon. Skip it.

3 little hemorrhoids, who are trained to be silent assassins by their "Ninja Tournament" winning grandfather, go to Japan to recover/keep a dagger that is used to unlock a treasure vault/give the same dagger to the winner of the "Ninja Tournament" in time to get home for little league played by adult men and farts.

I can't express my contempt for 3 Ninjas Kick Back in words. I will instead commit Seppuku because I have made suck poor choices in my life that I have dishonored my family name by seeing it. Goodbye, cruel world.

Ok, well now that that is over with, I'll try to demonstrate why you should avoid 3 Ninjas Kick Back like North Korea (perhaps not coincidentally, this movie is beloved by Kim Jong Un). Nothing works here. These children are not ninja. They are karate kids. Ninjas are trained silent assassins and they don't have competition tournaments for high schoolers. Then there's the dagger- Nope. I can't. I hate this movie so much that I am going to drink strychnine and think about how I've disappointed my father once again as I drift off to eternal damnation. See you in a minute, Satan. Oh? You hate this movie too? It's banned in Hell? Sweet!

Yeah, it's a don't.

Well here it is - this is the absolute worst movie we've ever had on the podcast.

Ok so what must a film do to be a 1 star film? Well, first it obviously must suck. It has to be a terrible viewing experience. It has to contribute NOTHING of value to the viewer. But with all those pieces, we still give 2 stars for just those items. Making a movie is damn tough and just getting it done gives it a single star from us. BUT there's one very special piece that is needed to be 1 star - at the end of the movie, you realize the movie doesn't exist. What could I mean? Well think of Monster-a-Go-Go and at the end a title card and narrator tells you that the scenes you've just watched were fake and didn't happen. Its the WORST!

How does that relate to Hell Behind Bars? The "plot" of the movie revolves around some diamonds. Our lead lady in prison is there because when she sold the diamonds, cops arrested her for killing a guy in front of them. Yet, the rest of the film is both "breaking out of prison/getting those diamonds" - including people going through such stupid acts as killing themselves to get those diamonds - BUT THE DIAMONDS WERE SOLD TO A FENCE!!!! She doesn't have the damn things! We see it on screen! And the rest of the movie is about the damn diamonds and getting them.

So there's that. This thing is also a terrible soft-core porn with some of the most unattractive people to have ever been nude on screen. Then the sex scenes themselves are Neil Breen inspired as no one actually knows how to screw. And they are all so gross that if you saw this as your first exposure to sex, you'd be so scarred you'd become asexual. Ick.

Everything sucks. I'm mean it. There's no good here which is an incredible achievement. You can usually trip into something good in almost any production yet they managed to absolutely fail on every level. It should be in the bottom 100 if not the bottom 5. It's that bad. Do not watch.

The guy from Double Dragon teams up with the guy from a spinoff of The Cosby Show (ew) and that lady who died of mold in that documentary in one of the most under-rated bonkers banana business masterpieces of karate comedy ever put to film. 

What a undiscovered treasure this masterpiece is. Just one year after this was released to video a movie was put in theaters and received much acclaim, success and two sequels called Rush Hour which is a clinic in film ripoffery if I've ever seen one after 20 years later watching Drive for the first time. There is no possible way that Brent Ratner didn't watch Drive and then say "yeah I'm gonna do a lot more of that in my film". There's no way. It's a travesty that this film wasn't a bigger deal because it is SOOO vastly superior to Rush Hour. Maybe just not as marketable to a mass audience.

Every aspect of this is phenomenal. Dacascos is electric and displays skills that arguably rival any other movie martial artist, yes even Jackie Chan. Its not just his exceptional athletic, he's oozing charm. Kadeem Hardison is a perfect straight man in a very difficult comedic role. Brittany Murphy is stand on the table and applause good. Tracy Walter and John Piper Ferguson are brilliant as a couple frustrated redneck assassins.

Its a wild, wild ride and everything you want in a fun karate movie.

Good ol' Fred Flintstone gets caught up in a criminal conspiracy to defraud Slate Co's investors and embezzle millions of shells all while risking the lives of his family and destroying his neighbor and best friend's career, home, family and his dignity. Whatta guy!

From the get-go you know something is wrong here. Fred is just a big of piece of toxic garbage. Yes, I know the character was based off Jackie Gleason in the Honeymooners but it is a real experience to go back and watch what a huge POS he was. The guy's entire existence is centered around being "the tough guy" that everyone loves and has only one motivation - being liked and admired. And that's where the movie takes us. Its such a far cry from Homer Simpson whose real sin is being a lazy moron. Inside and past the undigested donuts is a true golden heart. A loving father and faithful husband. But that ain't Fred... at least not until he has an epiphany while on the end of a hangman's noose (yup, you read that right). You might see something similar in other family movies where the guy goes from a great dude to being corrupted by money only to be redeemed in the end. Nope, not our Fred. He's always been a chauvinistic lay-about, with a fragile little ego that makes him ripe for storming the capital. Fred Flintstone is a bad person throughout this whole experience.

Outside of Fred's weakness, the production of this film is second to none. From the casting to the design, costumes to effects (remember its 1994) its a spectacle to the eye of adapting such a unique universe from cells to celluloid. Despite how unfaithful the writing is to the original series, the world itself is about as Bedrockyen as you could do with twice the budget and the effects teams from Pinewood and their fancy computers today. It really is an achievement in production design. BUT.....

I just can't stand it. I despise and loathe this movie. Not because there's really anything terrible wrong with it. Its a fine family comedy. I just absolutely can't stand family comedies. Maybe my soul is black like Fred's and I only want to drink too much and fall asleep in my yard. Whatever it is makes me want to take everything about this movie, collect it in a bag with the nukes of the world and toss it all into the sun.

A tow truck driver decides to make a movie that teaches us a master class on how to boost cars. Someone knows way too much about stealing cars here.

So along the same vein as Miami Connection, Deadbeat by Dawn, and The Room a guy who doesn't have any training or experience making movies uses his dubious personal funds to make his dream project - a movie. That's what H.B. Halecki did here. But he made a movie about what he knew - stealing cars. Ol' H.B. or Tobey by his friends, had a successful tow truck company which to me says he repossessed a lot of vehicles and so made a movie about breaking into cars and moving them without any one knowing. 

Sadly, car thieving instructional videos aren't very exciting. That's the front 5/8s of the film. There's an attempt to church it up a little with a little bit of ADR comedy and you know how that always goes. There was no script for this movie and so that just makes a pile of movie. Its just scenes spliced together in no meaningful or predetermined manner. That's kind of important and there's a reason. If you don't have forethought in your film, you've just got a pile of movie and that doesn't work. Seriously, Tommy Wiseau makes better movies.

However, one can just go to the chase scene that lasts 40 minutes. The stunts are incredible and incredibly dangerous. They're not really stunts when they are real and you're just filming carnage though. But even then, it gets stale. They are long nonsensical sequences of cops getting Eleanor surrounded and then he gets away until the next location where he's surrounded again. I'm sorry but H.B. isn't Hal Needham. You STILL NEED TO HAVE FORETHOUGHT IN YOUR SCENES!!! The Eleanor sequence has a smatter of amazing moments but is stuffed around a bunch of boring. 

I'm sorry to those who think this is great (including our own Sam) but the story of making the movie is way more exciting and interesting than the film itself. Its the most exciting boring movie ever. Like a cocaine Valium.

One tough cop and one tough public defender team up to take down the entire NYPD and one guy who owns a sex club and likes illegal street racing. The only thing standing in their way? More grenades.

Do not be mislead by the very positive reviews by the critics here. This has got a 70% on Rottentomatoes. That is absolutely insane. This movie stinks, in a good way, but it stinks and it stinks hard. I mean, what did they see that we didn't? Oh, well there's lots of commentary about racism and corruption within police departments at that time. Yeah we saw that. Well what about the conflict within Roland on choosing money or his passion? Yep saw that too. What about Richie's path to lead him to this point in life? Wait, you're arguing that this is a good movie because his girlfriend waxed her apartment floors and the dog flew out the window because it couldn't stop? THAT'S YOUR ARGUMENT?!?!? He lives in a movie theater because of slippery floors?!?!?

Did you see the part where a cop and public defender chase down a goon on tricycle? Did you see Richie use children at Cooney Island as bullet shields? Did you see the word salad love talk between Roland and the assistant district attorney that is prosecuting Roland's client? Did you see the end that has the quality of Megaforce? This movie stinks and you should have said so, critics! If you'd done your job properly this movie would now be a thing with people like us and it just isn't because of you and how you mistreated it by saying it was good. Boo, shame, shame, hiss, hiss.

This is an undiscovered gem of a stinker. If you can get your hands on a view, its worth it. Do it.

Sure, its just West Side Story with skateboards but its....uh....hmmmm. I guess that's it.

What you've got here is your classic tale of boy wants to win skateboarding competition, boy meets his rival, boy meets girl, girl is rivals sister, boy and rival skateboard joust with bean bags in a burning drainage ditch, boy blames girl, boy beats rival in downhill skateboarding competition, rival and boy become brothers in law and America is united. That ol' joint, you know.

So if you're a skateboarder or someone who enjoys watching skateboarding, you're gonna prefer Gleaming the Cube over Thrashin'. Here the skateboarding is pretty sub-par for a film about a sport (aside from the pool competition that appears to be helmed by Steve Caballero and Tony Hawk). What Thrashin' does right though is ratchet up the corny cheese to about 50. The dialogue is so bafflingly terrible, the "tough" guys are comically fancy, And time after time, the characters make hilariously stupid decisions and then throw hissy fits about their actions. It was not a good look for a budding subculture in sports at the time and very far from what the culture actually was. I mean, nothing is more about fellowship and a communal love than skateboarding. Yet, here comes Tommy Hook and his band of ne'er do wells sabotaging competition because they came onto their turf.

Come on! Skateboarding gangs?!?! And they have turf?!?!? That they presumably acquired from actual gangs....you know...the kind with guns?!?!? Its so preposterous. Whats next? Xanadu skaters conquering Times Square???

Its so incredibly stupid that you can't help but love it and its a pure riffers paradise. Drop in and do it.

When the only way to get revenge for your brother's death is to drive at 200 MPH, don't. Because apparently you don't need to, or can't, or it really wasn't anybody's fault except your brothers. I mean the list goes on and on.

So this is an Asylum movie, which we tend to steer very clear of because of the complete lack of writing that takes place and their usually horrible visuals. Well this makes no exception. The writing is incredibly terrible and the visuals are horrendous. What is hard to clarify is that somehow this one feels different from their other rubbish. There's really not any "boxes of dialogue" in the middle. There's no standing around with quick cuts between characters not really talking about anything but pretending their doing something important. 200 MPH is more just wandering between scenes that may or may not have anything to do with the plot but its too hard to tell because you're never really sure what the plot is exactly. 

Maybe we're so desensitized that we can't see how cringey this thing is but in the parts that are possibly that way, we actually laughed. Its almost Neil Breenesque in how it handles motifs that should be handled by more qualified people. Its so far from reality that you laugh at some pretty gross stuff (see every scene in the strip club for reference). 

I will say that this is viewing for the advanced class only. The students in Bad Cinema 330. Go in at your own risk, but for many of you, 200 MPH is a good time.

Billie Jean leads a movement of oppressed 80's kids against.....adults? Because she wants that damn $608 and FAIR IS FAIR!

So once upon a hot summer in Corpus Christi, a 14 year old guy named Binx gets his sweet scooter trashed by some older d-bags. His older sister goes to the dad of said punk and demands he repay for the damages. Instead that guy tries to put her on a rape-repayment plan and gets shot by Binx. The kids bolt and become defacto Bonnie and Clyde figures of the day's youth. That's really more than you need to know about this film. I went in completely blind as to what it was and I am so glad that I did. Thanks alot Google for making us have to write up content each time that spoils the movie. Nice algorithm! I should revolt against the man too because fair IS fair.

Anyways, the old d-bags do bad things (usually rape) and get away with it in the 80's is a fairly common theme we come up against on this podcast. See Tomboy, The Wraith, Savage Streets and so many others....I guess just pick any 80's film. Odds are you're gonna have elements of this. But what makes Billie Jean special is how much it veers away from the common tropes of this (for lack of a better word) genre. Instead of the lead going on a path of vengeance, our heroine (Helen Slater's Billie Jean) goes on the lamb and vicariously creates a cult of teenagers who've just had about a damn nuff of these adults being unfair, I guess. I literally have no idea what the cults goal is other than to worship and protect Billie Jean. All ol' BJ wants is the $608 her brother is owed for her scooter. But even that is murky as she exploits her situation to get a new scooter. I guess she just really loves riding on the back of a scooter in skimpy clothes with her younger brother who may or may not have blood in his noggin, definitely not enough that he should be driving that scooter!

The Legend of Billie Jean is another microcosm of 80's film. Its not that there's any one thing you can point to and say THAT is what makes this movie awesomely terrible. Its the entire piece. The theme, the soundtrack, the plot, its all dripped in 80's nacho cheese. The kind that gives you a stomach ache later but man does it taste good on the way down.

Christian Slater is a skateboarding detective who will stop at nothing to solve the murder of his adopted brother, including using his dead bro's ex, complicity in manslaughter and traffic violations. Traffic violations!!!

So Brian (Christian Slater) is a teenage punk whose only outlet in life is some serious thrashing on his skateboard. When his brother gets fired from his video store job for looking into his boss's medical supply business invoices, he ends up accidentally murdered by a guy choking him with a towel. When THAT guy ends up accidentally murdered, Brian goes on a investigation with the power of his skateboarding. This sounds like its awesome and well....it is. BUTTTTT it takes so long to get going that you're gonna be pretty disappointed for the first 30 minutes. However, once that ball gets rolling - hold on to your trux because things get really awesome at the end.

We're still not really sure what the crime plot is, Steven Bauer stinks pretty hard, and the stunts are fantastic. Gleaming the Cube is a definite do but just be warned the beginning is much like a made for TV after school special.

The 90's most Xtreme dude finds himself on an erupting ski slope. We're gonna shred some gnar over that volcano right? Well....no.

What we've got here is another Zombeavers. You want to talk about a great premise and setup for a fun disaster film that you won't ever forget? This is it. Dan Cortese in the late 90's on the slopes. A volcano surrounded by snow ready to blow. A deadbeat dad that doesn't care if his son is dead. A character named Stan in a volcano movie!!! Yet, Dan doesn't shred the slopes and jump over the volcano. The volcano and snow face off is vague and stupid. When the deadbeat dad gets his justs deserts its unclear if he even dies. And Stan does NOT ever chuck a man. Booooo....

Seriously this could have been as successful as Sharknado (and its 5 sequels) 16 years ahead had they just got away from the Meredith Baxter Burney formula of made-for-tv movies. I guess ABC wasn't willing to put any mustard behind their content back in '97.  Why take a chance with your movie destined to be completely forgotten?

Yeah you can skip Volcano: Fire on the Mountain. 

Nic Cage plays Nick Cage and that's about all the trailer tells you about this. Its so much more than you think it is.

If ogres are like onions, UWOMT is the state fair winner of onions stuffed inside of the Earth's core. Even a hardcore Nic Cage fan (hello!) will have to watch this three or four times to peel away each layer of self awareness and subtle statements and meta, meta, meta. Its too deep to even get into without ruining it in a silly blog review. Yet, somehow it breaks all the rules of a layered film as its incredibly accessible to the masses. It shouldn't work as it has something for everyone including the film snobs and the casual popcorn eater and yet says directly in the dialogue that a movie such as that cannot work. Its like if Salvador Dali painted naked ladies holding American flags atop tanks that are shooting at Martian invaders.

Nic is great. I mean really truly great. Fantastic. Pedro Pascal is great. Everyone is great. Whatever, stop reading this. Just go watch this movie. You don't have to be a Cage nut (it helps) to enjoy it, have it be worth your time and investment. You'll thank yourself. Just go watch it, dammit. 

Ex-Surfer and shirtless hunk Rick struggles with whether to continue on doing the thing he's too old for but loves or to not have sex with the 17 year old. See what I did there? Welcome to the Baywatch Prequel.

I mean seriously, this is just Baywatch right or the other way around? The story follows Mitch, I mean Rick, who is now 32 and still a beach bum lifeguard. So he has to make a choice: enter the suit-and-tie world of schmucks or keep on guarding and facing ridicule from society. Along the way, he takes on a new trainee (Parker Stevenson - yup THAT Parker Stevenson) who is attending college in the fall (possibly law school?), gets himself into a school girl crush/statutory rape situation, hooks up with an ex who is way out of his league and loses a lifeguard decathlon because he's getting too old for this shit. All this while sprinkled with various lifeguard activities that will one day become plot lines for entire episodes of Baywatch. 

This kinda sounds like a good time, doesn't it? Well its not. Lifeguard manages to deliver each of its elements with one over-arching characteristic: tedium. If its not Rick you want to slap, its someone else on screen for being near him. Maybe I just have a problem with the Peter Pan plot, but I don't want to get behind any cry-baby who doesn't want to grow up because then it means taking responsibilities for your actions. While Rick waddles from one bad decision to another, his support group just keeps encouraging his bad decision-making. So you find yourself having a real hard time getting behind anyone in the film.

Fortunately, Rick did get his act together and had a lovely child with Wendy, changed his name to Mitch and raised Hobie to be a lifeguard like his old man. It was just a different show and we have David Hasselhoff to thank for fixing this mess.

Kris and Preston find themselves having to work with Patrick Muldoon's hair to break up a diamond heist in Jakarta. Do they ever realize their unstated attraction? Does the US government see rewards for sending a high school teacher as a double agent? Can Richard Norton get his pants higher? No to all.

While Rage and Honor was a bit of a disappointment for its under utilized shenanigans, the sequel manages to go all in. Its not that they turned the amps to 11 because this feels like its own standalone piece that's unrelated in all ways to its predecessor. Tonally different and chock full of nanners, this is an absolute blast from start to finish. It starts with Cynthia Rothrock smashing her co-workers balls and ends with Patrick Muldoon falling off a crane in comedic fashion and never lets off the gas throughout.

While its high nanners, its also a hell of a riffer. This is a great Sunday with the buds movie as the "plot" is paper thin and so requires little attention. When you're not lampooning the film, the film lampoons itself for you. Its like a metronome was running throughout because this thing is on beat. Its tempo is perfect and not a dry second exists.

Rage and Honor 2 is likely Rothrock's best film and belongs on anyone's Year in Review list. Its top notch and shouldn't be missed by any of our fans and their friends.

Its a cornball karate team-up in a hunt for a video tape that can clear the name of an Aussie cop who has no reason for being there in the first place. Will they fall in love? Will they save the life of their friend? Can anyone explain Brian Thompson's hair? The answer is no to all.

So things are fairly typical for a DTV karate movie of this era. You've got your standard karate revenge plot. You've got a female/male will they/won't they standard. You've got shirtless dudes punching it out. The pacing is on key with an alarm that rings "karate fight" when its been about 15 minutes of actual plot development. And of course, there are whoosh sounds when ever anyone reaches for a cup of coffee.

What makes Rage and Honor stand out, if you're brave enough to say that, is the leads. All 3 (Rothrock, Norton and Thompson) are pure dorks. None are cool. I wouldn't hang out with any of them. Its like all this drama is happening but no one around it cares because its like "oh, just let those little dorks fight it out". That makes this a fun romp.

It's not amazing (due to its typicalness) but it is a great riffer with some smattering of ridiculousness here and there. Great sunday watch.

Gator McClusky is back to punch dudes and kiss ladies. This time he's gotta bust his buddy Roy from the first movie. Oh that's not Roy? That's Jerry Reed? Huh.

So as discussed the primary problem with the first film, White Lightning, is its tonally all over the place. Its a goofy car chase movie. Its a murder revenge against a corrupt elected official. Its a sexy time in the swamp. Gator doesn't suffer from that. Thematically, its much more focused. Jerry Reed's Bama McCall is a bit of a goofy villain more in line with James Bond than a Michael Mann movie. You don't feel too icky about him. He's a low level crook running a protection racket and whooores. He's NOT Ned Beatty who is nuts and murders college kids for political dissent. He just likes doing the crimes. That's the level of villain you want for a goofy car chase movie, where the ladies love the handsome guy and cats go on burglaries.

Hal Needham, of course, knocks the stunts out of the park, including one where he almost died (again) jumping out of a truck. However, this isn't crammed of his craziness. This IS a Burt Reynolds movie so you have to lace the stunts with him being good looking and charming. There might be more good looking and charming than stunts but both are at a 10 when they are on. Now that I think about it I can't remember anything in this movie that isn't one of those two things. Oh yeah, the cats doing burglary.

One can argue that White Lightning is the better of the two films and it does depend on your lens, but I can understand. Reynolds directed Gator and its clear he was learning as he went. The darker tone of White Lightning may also hold some accolades for some. I'm not in that camp. I love Gator for being what it is - an "I'm good looking and charming" Burt Reynolds with Hal Needham stunts. That's what I want my TV to loop constantly for the rest of my life and this fits the bill.

Burt Reynolds faces off against Ned Beatty as the most frightening and real villain one can imagine. His method of vengeance? Crashing cars and banging ladies!

White Lightning is a cornerstone of what would happen for the rest of the 70's. Mostly Burt Reynolds in cars and doing his silly laugh. But really its influence goes so much farther than that. It sprinkles into trucking movies, Dirty Mary Crazy Larry, Walking Tall, and anything that involves cars and bayous moving forward. Some of that is Hal Needham's stunt work, some of it is Burt's charm, but really it seems like it was just the natural filmic direction that matched the post-Civil-Rights-Movement and late Vietnam war culture of America.

Thankfully, White Lightning is low on cringe that a lot of its contemporaries suffer from. Burt's chauvinism is at a minimum (somewhat) and you learn throughout the film that really Burt is taking vengeance against oppression against free speech and political dissent. Its a weird backdrop to a film that has a guy jump a car onto a barge and drink moonshine constantly. I mean there's a lot of silly in a movie about a con/federal rat on a mission to kill a corrupt cop. It makes for a weird dynamic and is either the films greatest weakness or strength. I may be too much of a charlatan to know.

While White Lightning has all the right pieces in place, it does fall a bit in its dinking around. There's just too much hanging out and scenery chewing and not enough getting some ice cold revenge. Still a do for someone new but just barely.

The moon is falling! Deploy Operation: Duck and Poo Yourself. Roland Emmerich takes us on another destroy Earth roller coaster, but does he capture the any of his past or is this just another Midway?

So the moon is a big space base and because of rogue nanobotic AI trying to destroy mankind, it sucks up all the moons power supply like a Tesla's battery going uphill and causes it to plummet towards Earth. So with what minimal resources can be mustered, a disgraced astronaut, the director of NASA and Art Bell's nephew must fly to the moon and punch that AI in the mouth! Seems legit. Lets move on.

What works here: the insane visuals. We're very accustomed to seeing Roland Emmerich destroying New York time after time after time. Its become quite stale, right? Well what changes here is that he learned how composition works. The shots are beautiful rather than just visual effects crammed. So expect to see something new, in something old. There's also the right amount of light heart in the adventuring, its not as bleak as Day after Tomorrow  nor is at as corny as 2012. The trio of leads work together well. Patrick Wilson won me over finally. Halle Berry didn't piss me off. John Bradley is well, John Bradley.

What doesn't work: Roland has a problem with his writing. He has again made a film with too much front loaded character story. Its not that the movie is too long (it is) but it especially feels that way by his inability to tell about his characters alongside the plot. You have to wait for 30 minutes for the start of the movie, just so you can get to know his characters. Its a shame he still hasn't learned his lesson here and keeps this film from being amazing.

Moonfall is still a great theater experience and is a popcorn-face stuffer. I would love to see the sequel that Emmerich wants to make but probably won't be able to.

Samuel L and Robert Carlyle team up in this drug/money caper/heist that looks like a Ritchie/Boyle knock-off/bandwagon romp/joint. We'll be leaving/running away now.

Uh......it sucks. I would love to say that this is an undiscovered gem that the critics harpooned because it was ahead of its time (much in the same manner as they treated Snatch) and that this will become your new favorite movie. I can't say that. The critics got it right. Its vapid, cloney and drivel.

Look, I can't fault anyone here though. I watched Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch back to back in college and thought that I was Bullet-Tooth Tony for about 2 years. I got hit in the face a lot and deserved most of it. So when you see a script that is a British crime caper in 2000, I really can't fault you for wanting to be involved. And everyone involved goes all in on this. I can't pick on anyone. Its just the fault of wanting to do a film like this and having no business doing such a film. Its just the nature of art. I mean, I'm sure there was a lot of Samuel L's seeing The Mona Lisa and saying "I want to do that". Maybe that's why Caravaggio was thrown out of his guild. (Oh that was for murder? Oh...well)

I want to tell you that you're gonna find something worth watching here, even with low expectations, but I just don't think you will. Skip!

An aged Charlie Bronson finds himself having to stop a sex-trafficking pimp by giving him a new diet and having a Borderlands boss fight set piece at the end. So its Tuesday!

What I don't enjoy about this film is that has no business existing. This is a perfect example of something that happens far too often in film. Its two movies.

1. A dark, horrific look at the world of a Vice officer who struggles to do his job not because he hates the beat but he seems himself so little differently than he sees his perps. He masks all this self-loathing with racism until he finds himself having to find the daughter of a foreign national who molested his own daughter. Do I do the job and save this girl or do I stand by my disgusting self hate?
2. The other is a Cannon movie.

This material is too dark and disturbing to be juxtaposed against a Charlie Bronson action movie. When you have material this heavy and dark, you gotta end up with The Deerhunter. You can't lighten it up with some one-liners and some explosions. You can't swing an audience from the lowest feeling possible one second to car chases the next. Its water and oil. 

Sadly, if they had done one or the other, I would have really liked it. Option one, wouldn't be on Stinker Madness and wouldn't have ruined my Sunday. Option 2, likely would have had 8 stars as the bad movie shenanigans in this are high level. Its really a great tragedy.

Horny scientists in space! Everything in this movie is gross sex! Everyone has messy pants including the aliens! Ever wanted to see a xenomorphs vagina? You can now! What a pitch...

Essentially, scientists want to cure disease and they think that making a human/xenomorph combo will give them the answers which has its own set of problems. BUT, instead they make some regular xenomorphs too and some Ripley abominations who tear apart a handful of scientists and Michael Wincott too early in the film. This results in the science vessel automatically crashing into the Earth at the speed of 176 million MPH causing an extinction level event and ushering in a nuclear holocaust. Thanks Ripley!

While all this shakes out, we follow the path of a group of space pirates from the mess hall back to their ship. Occasionally they have to escape xenomorphs, but mostly they have hang down contests with Ripley having the biggest of hang downs. Ron Perlman's "Johner" tries his best but has met his match in big dicking by the lady that is part alien and can now dunk it. Winona Ryder's "Call" eyeball rolls behind them, thinking about her sole mission of destroying all xenomorphs and anyone who stands in her way....until she meets a guy SHE helped kidnap who has one inside of him. She's ok with him. Not just ok, vehemently defends saving his life. What?!?!

This thing is one of the dumbest movies and likely in the top 3 of film in the dumbest period of film - the late 90s. When every Tom, Dick and Harry were trying to recreate Jurassic Park and Independence Day, you ended up with this turd, Deep Blue Sea and Event Horizon, with a cavalcade of less notable but equally stupids behind it. Yet Alien Resurrection manages to be as stupid as they come, but then an odd mix of tedium with flashes of moronic hilarity. Its a hard one to recommend but its just so incredibly idiotic that its hard NOT to recommend. Men have trekked to Nepal and sat in silence for decades for lesser doubts and confusion than the quandary of recommending Alien Resurrection or not. I guess you should watch it but realize the film doesn't start until 35 minutes into the movie and then there's about 20 minutes of actual good content throughout.

2 down on their luckers attempt to right the course of their financially destiny, but a young Joe Manchin stands in their way and he's serving up deadly coal for breakfast.

What Home Sweet Home Alone manages to do is cause empathy for struggling Americans in a way that MSNBC could never home to imagine. This whole time we only needed Max Mercer to unite the country and feel bad for those less fortunate. Its as if we were Ebenezer Scrooge and Max Mercer is all 3 Ghosts of Christmas who just repeatedly puts poor people in comas with billiard balls. "Take it away, spirit. I can endure no more" said I as little Max stabs Jeff in the heart with a three foot long icicle.

Yes the whole thing is a giant misunderstanding that could have been all avoided if adults would just use their words (so wait, were Jeff and Pam Joe Manchin, then?) or if little Max wasn't such a heavy sleeper in luxury cars (no, he's definitely Joe Manchin), but what frightens me is Max' inability to hesitate to kill people. Sure, Kevin McCallister was likely a megalomaniac with delusions, but Max straight up is ok with killing people. No, the words "Please don't kidnap me" were never uttered from his toothy grin. Or even just "Stop". He wants Jeff and Pam to come at him, bro. If they don't then at no point can he enact his elaborate plan to slowly torture them and culminating with Jeff impaled on ice and Pam's chest caved in from 25lb weights shot at her from a treadmill. Nothing less will satisfy his as yet undiscovered blood lust. That's what frightens me about this film.

But yeah, it stinks and isn't worth viewing by anyone over the age of 10 and parents should have a long discussion with children afterwards about why Joe Manchin isn't a role model.

A traitorous group of ex-military hatch a plan to hijack an airport so that they can move a pilot from one plane to another. They only thing they didn't account for was John McClane. Oh, and other airports, radios, emergency vehicles, electrical tape, power lines, and the media. But mostly, John McClane!

I mean...why is this so highly rated? Its sitting at a 7.1 on IMDB as of this writing. That's only 1 star lower than the first one. This movie is seriously only 1 star worse, super fans? Its like at least 3! Why?

Why Die Hard 2 is a 5 star movie

• The Plot
• The Effects
• The Writing
• Bruce Willis

So the plot is incredibly stupid as it purely doesn't need to exist. The terrorists (which they aren't really terrorists) have seized control of an airport (not the airport itself, just control) and are holding flying planes hostage unless an extradited criminal (that at some point they became besties with?) is permitted to hop a board a fully fueled 747 and they all fly to Bolivia or somewhere undeclared. Mid movie though, the criminal (Franco Nero) takes over control of the C130 he's flying on and flies it around. Why does he need these jokers at all? From Esperanza's view, the plan is to free himself and then stop at an airport to pick up some guys he has no business ever having met. Great, thrilling...

The effects have aged poorly. With the rear projection, matte working and green screens this looks about as Renny Harlin as Renny Harlin could do in 1990.

The writing is just a hodgepodge of "well this happened in Die Hard so we should do it here" including a ton of pointing out the obvious by John McClane such as, "Hey I'm in tunnels again" or "Hey this happens every Christmas to me". But also includes Holly punching out (or in this case tasing) Thornberg because he's a skeezy guy who doesn't really contribute to the plot in anyway. Its just so people can remember that this is a Die Hard movie, I guess, by seeing the same things again.

Lastly, Bruce Willis' contribution to the dialogue. He was giving free reign to ad-lib as much as he wanted to and he does so much of it that he had to come back after filming and add in more via ADR. But what we're giving is a 7-3 ratio of groan inducing one liners that leave you eye-rolling more than cheering John's everyman role.

Skip it. It ain't a Xmas movie and its barely a Renny Harlin movie. 

Beloved (by us) director Renny Harlin shares with us his vision of Frankenstein in which Man isn't just the monster, Man is a bunch of bumbling idiots that have a hard time avoiding killing themselves.

It isn't just that this is full blown idiot plot, its that these people are so stupid in ever maneuver they do, including the entire reason the film happens that its a surprise they are able to understand which appendage socks go on. We're talking bovine levels of intelligence. I mean, they leave the shark in the science lab while conducting "science" and its only secured by a ratcheting tie-down - the kind one buys at Home Depot when they need to move a mattress across town. Of course, you all are gonna get eaten! The ineptitude and holes in common sense just escalate from their and culminate with the protagonist (maybe? this is a topic for much debate) tries to be a hero but only manages to make the situation far worse and also results in getting chomped up pretty nicely.

The CGI is bad. Real bad. Bad by 1999's standards. Usually bad CGI is an instant no-go for us as it can be nausea inducing (I'm looking at you, The Asylum) but here, there is a little charm to its badness. It's not anything other than just goofy looking. Think of your children's drawings. They're really bad, right? But there are still cute and lovable. This may be one of a handful of examples where the awful effects are endearing. Name three more films that can say that? I'll wait.

Season with classic Renny Harlin "just keep rolling" maneuvers, the most memorable death scene in history and its obvious "This ain't your daddy's Jaws" tone and you've got a stinker that only suffers by being about 15 minutes too long. Its required viewing.

An shining example of what an "anti-movie" looks like that stars everyone you've ever heard of with none of them ever having looked at the script. Its got gangsters, nostalgia, betrayal and fast ladies. Sounds cool right?

For the masses, no this is not cool. Far from it. There's an air of intended cleverness like other nostalgic gangster movies, like if peak Guy Ritchie had made a movie about gangsters and their deviousness (oh, he DID do that?) but comes nowhere near where it needs to be at for that. In fact, it doesn't get near anything. Its as if it lives in the parallel universe that is Vic's World. Its a Bizarro film. It must have been filmed on opposite day. It manages to do everything different than any other film does. It really achievement.

Its a "so bad its good" but not in the manner that Troll 2 is. You can explain Troll 2 and why its good. This isn't that. Again, everything is opposite in an anti-film. I feel like you'd need to have a master's degree in bad film to be able to explain why it is so bad its good. I don't have a degree in English but I fee like I've done a pretty good job reviewing terrible movies with very little substance, yet words won't find me here. Its not from lack of content, its that the content is so far from anything bearing a concept that I'm befuddled.

The one thing I will say about it, is that at no point does anyone get distracted, lose focus or ever have a doubt about what they were doing. Everyone is as professional and consistent as if there were in a Terrence Mallick movie. Which makes it even more befuddling. What did they see here that I can't? Is there some unspoken vision that I'm just too Neolithic to see? I shake my fist at the sky man and yell, "What were you all doing here?" (and let slip the dogs of war, I guess). 

Mad Dog Time is not for everyone but I highly approve of it and give this a beloved do recommendation. Good luck and Godspeed.

A father and son criminal duo trek across the US on the unbeknownst path to mommie's house. Will we ever find out who gets control of the radio?

Straight up this movie sucks and its all the fault of whomever thought ruining Corey Haim's life was a good idea because he had a baby face. Let me put this straight, Vanilla Ice is more likeable than Corey Haim's Nelson. I mean he's truly the least likeable person one could imagine. Nelson needs to be punched in the face. He's intolerable. His dad, Sam, Leo Rossi, isn't much better. I guess they somehow managed to make a "like father, like son" directing choice, but the choice was "Lets stick two people in a car that needs to be blown up but never does. Audiences will go wild with annoyance! It'll be great!"

Aside from the frequent annoyance that will leave you wanting to claw your ears off, there is only a smattering of things that one can be considered "fun" in the flick. Cynthia Rothrock beating the crap out of Sam for one. The final action sequence is pretty epic and is so good that in another film would be worth the price of admission but a 25 year old Sophia Loren could come out of your TV and serve you hot dogs and the rest of the movie would STILL not be worth it. They are that annoying. Think Coolio in Dracula 2000 annoying.

Its sad because this should be a classic. All the cards are there. But far too many terrible dialogue sequences, goober level comedy, and a misused Rothrock make this an absolute do not.

The male version of Teen Witch steals a magic lamp from his work and goes on a series of misguided adventures with his new dad, The Jinn who is just as drunk and disorderly as his bio-dad who went out for smokes and never came back.

Our hero, Al Haddin, isn't a good guy. He's a thief, conceited, a GHB bro, and only cares about one thing - himself. One could argue that's because he's never had a positive father-figure in his life but I think its much deeper than that. Which, if I remember, I'll get into later. But either way, it's hard to root for little Al. Once he gets the lamp and subsequently the genie and his powers, things really go off the rails. He first wishes for a car "that rockstars drive", a Rolls Royce. Fine, I would probably do the same. Secondly, he wishes that the car doesn't have to obey the laws of physics and can fly. Sure, I get it. Traffic sucks, until you realize the military has scrambled F-18s to you as you are now a UFO. Ok, chalk it up to a simple misunderstanding. Then he wishes to give his secret crush a necklace to impress her. Ok, well now we're getting dicey, but I'd love to also give my wife a diamond necklace (and because its made with magic instead of slave labor its blood diamond free), however Al gives her a $10 seashell necklace that will likely give her ringworm. Al you live in Florida, my dude, you could have bought that at any street vendor in South Beach. THEN when she rejects his advances, he uses the power of the Jinn to force her to kiss him. Ok, I know this is 1986. Its still gross. It was gross in Teen Witch, it was gross in License to Drive and its gross here. Weinsteining is a crime at any age. I'm now way off of Team Al.

So after various and plentiful hijinks vignettes including the stunningly bad/great flying car sequence, various dealings with mob goons and a very dark child sex-trafficking plot (yeah, wow), we end up with Eugene (the Genie) getting outed as a supernatural being to the Mayor/Chief/James Bond Villain who wants to use the Jinn's powers to rid the world of war making except for one particular military base in Canada that he must have won in a card game or something so that he can be the ruler of Earth. Not sure how that all works but it results in a much deserved magic carpet ride/helicopter chase that looks worse than the flying car sequence and rivals the effects of Pumaman. Its fantastic. Oh and all wants to murder the people chasing them (oh yeah he wanted to murder the mob guys and the wait staff at their club, too). Only Eugene talks him out of it. Al's final wish is for the Jinn to become human and bang his mom. Woof.

Aladdin is about as cheesy as they get. With that, it is also baffling poorly thought out, looks terrible and has a musical score that will make Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny cringe. But its a laugh riot and prime riffing material. Three thumbs up and a total do from us.

This episode originally aired in November of 2017. In "the before time". Enjoy.

Spectacularly over-rated director M. Knight Shyamalan gives us his vanity piece in the vein of Neil Breen and Tommy Wiseau and not only shows us he stinks at film as badly as they do, but that he's a giant, narcissistic, arrogant, terrible person. Good job!

So it's a fairy tale that involves water people called Narfs, who want to help mankind solve their problems. Standing in the way is their lack of sense of meeting people and a solo grass dog, but also the rules of being eaten by one of Gandalf's eagles. Ok... Now we know that if you look too deeply into most fairy tales, you'll find plenty of problems within the logic and that's fine. However, that is not what this jackass is trying to get us to not do. He tries to put forward some moral about man's desire to destroy itself without some sort of altruistic outside influence as a vehicle to change. What he succeeds in, is to say that he is the greatest story-teller ever to live and if you feel differently you should be eaten by a monster green monster.

Then there's his martyrdom. He plays a character in the film who is the object of the Narf's musing. This person will change the world via his book. It will be read by the future leader of the world, thus inspiring him to make mankind peaceful and prosperous. Yet at no point does he make an attempt to declare what is contained within his "The Cookbook". His only reference to its content is "Its got things about leaders and governments and society and stuff". THIS is the words of the greatest storyteller according to himself. What an asshole.

Aside from his giant ego and his complete hatred for anyone that critiques his work and doesn't worship it, this movie is crap. It's shot poorly, breaks its own rules constantly, has a terrible performance by Paul Giamatti, and conflicting character motivations. It also has a mermaid who has no pants, Ariel's treasure cave, gorilla/ent hybrids, and an apartment complex that was built next to Sherwood without a parking lot. Despite all that lunacy it's terribly boring, hugely unfunny and well worth avoiding.

Once again, those randy monsters try to break into an underground lab of dubious intent and the only man whose ever fought them does nothing to help anyone but himself to some horny waste-lander. But this time, he fathers his own monster baby. Daddy's home, sucka!

Continuing the story of David, one of two survivors from Mojave Lab of the first film, we find him on his way to Rocky Mountain Lab where he plans to spend the rest of his days on a weekend booty/peyote hunt. I guess they don't have vaccines to the virus that killed all of mankind but now they have a method of creating one. The sole missing ingredient comes from cacti that he must gather for them on his way. As one could predict his journey is hampered by the monsters as well as a cult that sacrifices hot ladies to the monster's lusty ways in order to save themselves (that doesn't make sense). He meets a randy lady who comforts his grief for the world by offering up her luscious bits. She manages to get pregnant with his child only to later have the monster have his way with her creating a super mutant monster baby within her. The terror!

Well David, doesn't bother to divulge his experiences the last time his lover got monster-impregnated, nor does he bother to use his dog whistle to stop anyone from being murdered, until it is far too late. Good stuff, David! Once, said monster-baby is born he faces off in a death battle against his offspring that represents itself in a full grown man suit with a conjoined twin on its face (we think). Hilarity ensues when mom disciplines the monster baby and David kills it in the way a certain Libyan dictator was killed by his own subjects - in the butt.

Terror Within II isn't going to make it on anyone's hall of fame list but it is beyond a day a much better time than the first one. Its not draggy and while devoid of much plot, manages to fill its time with enough wacky business that keeps you engaged. The final sequence is worth the price of admission but the rest of the film isn't a joyless experience and is a great riffer. We say do it!

Freddy Krueger he is not. What the Candyman actually is and how he works is as big of a mystery as Amelia Earnhardt's disappearance. Nothing makes sense!

What is Candyman? Well we know that he was murdered for the mistake of being born black. Ok, so he comes back as the spirit of racial injustice vengeance? Nope. The person he kills that drives the narrative is an impoverished black woman. Ok. Well what else? They murdered him by covering him in honey and bees stung him to death and he seems to have a real affinity for the buzzy bugs. So is he bees? Maybe, but if he's bees then why isn't other Candymen (yes there are other Candymen as shown in the ending) also bees? Nope. Only he's bees. He also poops bees and actual poop which is pretty weird.

The most baffling thing about Candyman is his modus operandi. Call him 5 times in the mirror and he murders you? Nope. Our protagonist, Helen (Virginia Madsen) does that and she doesn't get killed by him. One of his murders is just busting into a ladies apartment uninvited. Another time he chopped a kid's weiner off for peeing in the wrong toilet. Helen summons him and he kills some other guy. Nothing tracks. As silly as Freddy is at times, he's one thing - consistent if nothing else. Candyman is all over the place. 

Seriously ask yourself what the plot is. Put its attempts at social commentary, its brilliant soundtrack and the exceptional gift that is Tony Todd aside and tell me what this movie is about? Is it a forlorn love story in the same vein as The Mummy Returns? Is it about reincarnation due to horrible circumstances? Is it about the propagation of urban legends and the effects of myth on reality?

While all the surrounding elements distract you into thinking this is some high brow horror film with subtext and production of the Oscars - you're missing it. Candyman isn't about any of those things. Just because you talk about gentrification, racial injustice, privilege, and urban folklore doesn't mean your film is about those things. Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. Its a movie that takes place at Christmas. I won't be bent on that just because you want to have an excuse to watch it instead of Its a Wonderful Life.

I could take it or leave it. I understand it has its fun moments and one can argue its thought provoking but to me its just a muddled mess of a film on top of another film like a crappy painting covering up a good one.

Wherein a dragon saves a terrible person's life and everyone blames the dragon for said terrible person's terribleness. Its a funny old world we lived in back in 984 AD.

So yeah, the plot here is that a oppressive king dies in a moronic manner and his awful Joffreyesque turd of a child becomes king. Before he can reimplement prima nocta, a girl falls onto him; knocking him into a lethal cheese cart. Yes that's right. Before the movie even starts up, the villain has been killed by a cheese cart. So his mentor, Bowen (played by Dennis Quaid) takes him up to a dragon's cave where Draco (Sean Connery) takes a chunk of his heart and stuffs into said brat and revives him, all while making him swear an oath to be a just and kind king. Before the little wanker can make it back to his castle, he's already issued a decree to enslave the people to build a vanity project for him. Bowen, being the perfect judge of character that he is, blames Draco for King Twat's cruelty and vows to hunt him to the ends of the earth.

12 years later, and both Bowen and Draco forget that they ever met, despite Bowen still being on a genocidal hunt to murder ALL dragons and Draco feeling the literal pain of sharing his dragonheart and the mistake of his one good deed to allow him into dragon heaven being the continuation of a monarchy that enslaves and murders its own subjects. Well the pair team up to run the mob's protection racket and hijinx ensue. Eventually (about 85% of the film length) they decide to take on King Butthole and end his reign.

Despite how incredibly stupid the plot is, it still doesn't qualify for the idiot plot. King Longsuck still would have been a terrible ruler and eventually someone was going to rise up against him. A dragon sure would be helpful in a rebellion, one would think, but Draco doesn't even do anything to support the rebellion. Burn some castles! Go full Targaryen! Nope he just flies around. So its clear you do NOT need a dragon to have a successful rebellion. One could argue that without Draco reviving the little dickhead that the plot wouldn't happen. Little BH would be dead. Problem solved. Well, yes, the plot wouldn't exist. But its not Draco's fault the kid's a little Hitler. He didn't know. Bowen should have so he's an idiot but it wasn't just him that took the kid to Draco - it was the Queen Mother's idea. And can you really call a mother an idiot for wanting to save her child's life, even if he's the antichrist? I'm not going to. Mom's rule (except mine who went out for a pack of smokes and never came back. How far away is that gas station, anyways?).

Long story short: Draco is poorly designed, does very little "dragoning", its tedious and draggy as it does its best to fill in the time as it avoids the main plot, the action is drab and the jokes are intolerable. You can leave after Prince Caligula dies by falling on some cheese.

In a post-apocalyptic world, a group of scientists find a pregnant lady and then the shenanigans ensue. A tea-drinking monster finds its way around their base, operating elevators and smashing speakers like The Who all with the singular objective of lady butt. The terror within, indeed.

Essentially, this is Alien but underground and in a singular location ("singular" twice in as many sentences? take that English 102). Somehow, somewhy monsters called "gargoyles" are around wandering the wasteland. They don't eat people or animals. They just kill men and have their way with the women. Once a lady is impregnanted a new gargoyle comes out and the process repeats. However the host is killed. And because they killed the men, there's no more ladies being born to sustain their species. These things are dumb. Their lifecycle is about 7 days and they have holes in their skin and can't close their jaw. I think the remnants of humanity will be just fine. You just need to wait them out, they'll die out on their own.

So what's fun here? Well, aside from their horrendously terrible rubber suit that the monster actor wears, its mostly the ineptitude of our band of heroes. While I say that humankind will be fine, I will retract that statement if the rest of us are as dumb as the occupants of Mojave Lab. Not to mention these guys are already dead from dehydration before the movie already started. There's no damn water supply! Ok, I'll move on. In one scene, they find themselves in a hall way that has oily rags in a bucket next to barrels that have "explosive" written on it. Of course, you're gonna explode your whole base. Our favorite character is Dr. Linda, who at point blank, tells her patient that all is fine - after being freshly raped and impregnated by a monster.

"I'm not fine! I have a monster baby in me!"
"Nope, it's a human."
"I wasn't pregnant yesterday. Today I am and it's because of monster rape!"
"Nope. You're good. Sleep well."

While it can be a little slow and draggy here and there, the plot is enough to carry this into the do category for me, but two other SM hosts said it's a don't. Enter at your own risk, I guess.

Cyndi Lauper has psychic powers. Jeff Goldblum is tall and is Jeff Goldblum. Are they a match made in Hollywood for the 80s? Obviously not. Hope you like everyone being at an 11!

So Vibes is part of this weird genre that only really happened in the 80's. The closest the men in ties will call it is a rom-com, but there's a x-factor with this type of 80's flicks. There's always a BS gimmick such as what we have here - psychic powers. These are more of screwball comedies but with a love interest penciled in because "Oh I guess we have to". So the romance is an afterthought which means that its shouldn't even be a rom-com at all since the rom is so far down on the list of priorities in the writing.

It's unfortunate for a lot of these films as the masses tend to stay away from rom-coms. Aside from the teenage girls. But why are we catering our films around selling to this very small niche? I guess I digress.

None of this is to say that we've got a good one here. Frankly, Vibes is a mix of cringe and tedium. While there is a sprinkle of good occasionally, most of the jokes are pulled or the ones that aren't are awkward and weird. I guess if you're only wanting to come into a movie for Cyndi Lauper, then you'll like it. For the rest of us that could go either way - its a skipper.

Dar reunites with Seth and his home planet in order to save his bro, but screw everyone else. I need a hero, but could I get someone besides this Dar guy?

So if you're a big fan of Dar, well this one isn't for you. It sure exposes Dar to be a cadre of negatives. He's dumb as dirt. He's a bit of a dick. He only thinks with his dick. He doesn't give much of a crap about his friends or the other citizens of his planet. And lastly and most importantly, he's not even a damn Beastmaster. His friends (the lion (who was a tiger before), the hawk and his two ferret pals) refuse to do as he commands but even past that a damn camel bucks him off. The man who controls beasts gets bucked off a dromedary. Inexcusable. Dar sucks in BM:III.

Outside of Dar's inexplicable ineptitude, BM:III is not the level of fun that the first one is because, well, nothing is. BUT its night and day compared to the second one and for a made-for-tv movie, this is a true gem. It's as dumb as you can make them and is easily one of the most accessible riffer that we've seen. Its safe for all and totally easy to mock.

With its incredibly stupid plot, its ignorance of its own rules and continuity and the bonkers ending with Dar finally finding true love in a guy whose name literally pronounced as "Bae", BM:III is bookended with greatness, much like the series as a whole. You just have to get through that middle part.

If the d-bags from Weekend at Bernie's got involved in a mob murder caper... oh wait that's still Weekend at Bernie's. Ok, well imagine if they go on a butt hunt for 15 minutes too.

Terminal Exposure is classified by some as a sex-romp comedy but I frankly don't see it. Maybe I'm desensitized to boobs at this point but the nudity is fairly mild with only one real sex scene (that ranks up there with the grossest of all - despite Hope Marie Carlton being in it). What this to me is a screwball comedy. Its truly in the same vein as Weekend at Bernie's (but not annoying or painfully tedious) or Dumb and Dumber (which shares many of the same plot elements - maybe Dumb and Dumber is also Weekend at Bernie's).

However, for the talent that is here that should deliver a groan-inducing cavalcade of boner jokes, somehow Terminal Exposure just kind of works. At no point was it approaching the stupidity that one would expect. The jokes were solid and well delivered despite being launched at you by relative amateurs. The hijinx were well paced and showcased by a befuddled Joe Estevez (yes, Uncle Joe is a show stealer here). And while the plot makes absolutely no sense and is pretty muddled when finally revealed, it takes a back seat to the chain of events that our two numbnut heroes find themselves stumbling into all in the name of chasing tail. All while failing to find itself in the offensive/rapey tropes that most 80's films about two horny guys go into (looking at you, License to Drive). You're not going to be getting any dirty looks while showing this one to your new girlfriend. Maybe some eyerolls.

A believe it or not commercial success, but working more like a confused mess that doesn't know who they want watching it, Burt Reynolds teams up with a precocious scamp to take down a drug ring - because early 90's.

Talk about 90's stereotypes and whatever rules to life. Of course, the kid doesn't have parents - it's 1993! Of course the cops cave to his demands to be a cop despite being 10 - it's 1993! Of course, Burt Reynolds drives over everyone's yards without consequences - its 1993! Pop Rocks for a drug prop? You betcha its 1993!

Its a weird mix of Robocop, Kindergarten Cop and then a ton of crap that people thought worked in 1993 but in the end its just painfully boring and when its not, its painfully uncomfortable. This is a don't.

audio alert - Sam was on his webcam for the first 7 minutes so there is a weird audio shift when he switches to a good mic. Nothing painful to your earholes, just figured we owe you an explaination. Proceed!

Knocking off Beverly Hills Cop while showcasing Gary Daniels as a cheaper JCVD but forgetting that he can't act past his gob being open, White Tiger can't figure out what it is or what it should be so it just manages to be mid-90s karate mush.

Why doesn't the movie work or why did I absolutely wish I'd watched something else? Well I'll tell you who's fault it is. It isn't Cary Tagawa. He's fantastic, of course. And he's allowed to go to 11 so it's not director Richard Martin's fault either. It's not even Gary Daniels fault despite his lack of acting, as the big draw is the fight sequences which he co-choreographed with prolific stunt-man Lauro Chartrand. So whose fault is it that White Tiger is a total boring slog of a film?

Well, I'm blaming the 90's. See all the big stinker makers were out of the biz or out of their prime by 1996. Cannon was done and Carolco was on its way. DTV was on the rise as you could crap out a turd on a budget and distribute globally for a song. So the studios just wanted to start turning fast bucks and having passion for your project wasn't a benefit, it was a hinderance. What business did Richard Martin even have directing a film? Well, he said he could do it and do it fast. That's all it took for it to get a green light. 

The problem with it and say the same film made 5-10 years prior, is there was a hope that if you did a good enough job, if you worked hard enough, if you believed it what you were doing enough the execs in their ties would see you and give you a Brandon Lee shot. Its the American Dream right? Well sorry, but that doesn't exist. So instead you've got no one giving a crap in the writing ("just redo Beverly Hills Cop, again") and no one behind the camera caring either. It's not that anyone screwed up, it just is that no one had the opportunity to screw up either. Which sorry, makes for boring film for our niche AND the big films that go on to win Oscar gold. You must have some spark of passion and care for art. Otherwise, its just a toaster or a '15 Toyota Camry. Your film is now an appliance.

A film that rips off Justin's novel 35 years before he wrote it. Its a prison film (obs) that gets fast and loose with the rules of early release - time off for punchin' dudes.

Prepare for a short film review.

I don't like it. It should be fun. It looks like it would be. The scenario lends itself to be fun. Its just not somehow. They get it right in the later films but somehow this just isn't really worth anyone's time.

UNLESS - you're a student of film history, based on its budget, technical ability and how its a part of a larger movement in cinema.

Nobody crosses the bridge between Uptown and Jungleground! Except the dope pushers, of course. Oh, and the cops. Well we gotta give 'em a little action every now and then, right? Oh and the Feds, hookers, delivery companies, truckers and constructions workers. Seems like everyone does actually.

What you've got here is fairly standard fair for a mid-90's DTV action movie with a few standout exceptions. Roddy is, of course, great despite his terrible dialogue in the script. The relationship between Roddy's "Jake" and his fiancé(?), Samantha, is unique in that its just a straight-up good relationship with no getting sidetracked in backstory or conflict between them. Even Samantha takes a few departures away from cliché' by supporting his copping, standing up to sexual harassment and not being a helpless damsel. The film also does one thing very well - it never loses focus. Its "get home, Jake, before they kill your love". No pauses in that goal. Even with the addition of a helpful hooker who just wants to start a new life, Jake always keeps moving forward. He doesn't stop to ponder her struggles or drop her off a a clinic and stay to check on her (in fact he drops her off with some construction workers and steals their truck) nor does Jake try to save Jungleground or its people. He just keeps moving toward Samantha.

While the over-the-top action isn't as full as we'd like with a bigger budget, what's there is fun and insane. The Ragnarockers (the gang Jake is hunted by in Jungleground) are excessive in their baddie ways resulting in blowing up entire buildings to kill one guy, putting together elaborate executions that are wasteful and destructive of their own property and never really have a clear plan on how to be bad guys. In fact, most of them are terrible at it. Indoor, open layout farm-to-table markets are about the least scary thing you could have and yet the Ragnarockers love that produce. Their entire system of evil income comes from cocaine storage for the Uptown snobs who've rejected them; not selling of it, just storage and not getting paid for it. In a critical scene, one of the Rockers (the annoying Gameshow) manages to get murdered by none other than gravity and bad decisions, leading to his brother Dragon to declare "I must have revenge!" (against who? Fetal alcohol syndrome?). The ineptitude of the Rockers is what you come for in this movie.

On the whole, it's not a standout stinker. Some may not even spot the difference between other DTVs by Dolph, Jeff Fahey or James Remar. But Jungleground does occasionally get it very right. Sadly, it doesn't do it enough.

Two truckers (an old hat and a young buck) and a waitress manage to defeat an army of the most unstoppable killing machines, which even the Predator wouldn't stand a chance against, using the rules of the space highway. Honk, honk, pew, pew!

What you've got here is a decent stinker but gets bogged down by how awesome it SHOULD be. It's called Space Truckers. That should be enough to make it amazing. Then Stuart Gordon is directing. I'm no huge lover of Gordon and think most of his projects are just ok, but he's competent enough that he could helm a movie called Space Truckers and not make it not amazing. Tack on Dennis Hopper, who is honestly either great or terrible and either would work here. 

Yet, there's hardly any of the space truckin' that I want. Now there is a large amount of actual "trucking" but not much "truckin' ". You see the difference? There's lots of talk about shipping rates, independent contracting vs employed trucking, fulfillment services, and contract negotiations. Its like watching Mila Kunis go through the DMV in Jupiter Ascending. I don't want that! I want Dennis Hopper climbing on the side of the truck to punch out hijackers. I want him putting together a convoy of other space truckers who use their big rigs to run over an entire space colony. I want the space fuzz trying a road block but he jumps over them in a 0 gravity twist. None of that happens. This is like Die Hard. It's a movie that takes place at Xmas, not an Xmas movie (I'll die on that hill). It's a sci-fi movie that takes place around trucking, not a space truckin' movie. So if you're me and a lover of truckin' films, you're entering this bound for disappointment.

BUT, that doesn't mean there aren't some good things here. Charles Dance is of course brilliant, even with him spending the majority of his screen-time with prosthetics slapped all over him. The killer robots are seriously awesome looking. The gag-gore is fun enough, even though instead of blood someone decided to use bubblegum. There's a few good lines here and there. Which adds up to it still just barely making it a do.

We recommend it as a double-feature with some friends. Maybe put it on the front-end feature before The Ice Pirates? Or maybe Oblivion. But make sure it comes first and never ever ever put it next to an actual truckin' film.

*Warning - Jackie's mic was backwards so her audio isn't perfect. Sorry for any inconvenience.*

Want to save the environment but are only a Brazilian princess? Well, show off your pretend dance craze skills on American Bandstand! So long, climate crisis! The merengue is coming for you.

So what you've got here is a basket of terrible sequences from the minds of Meneham Golen and Greydon Clark. As the pair rushed the film out in just 56 weeks (from concept to release) in order to hedge their bets against Yorum Globus' Lambada (which released on the same day), what was given to the public was exactly what it deserved. See the lambada was no such dance craze as we've been told. It was a made up craze, likely pushed by the Cannon Group boys so that they could sell tickets to, you guessed it, these two movies. You show us evidence of there being a lambada fervor pre-1990 and we'll eat our shoulder-pad shirts. So yeah, suckers, you bought into some baloney dance fad, you get this thinly put together film in return!

However, what The Forbidden Dance actually is, well... it's stinker classic and cult worthy. I can imagine that most might be scared off by the idea of watching a danceical, but as evidenced by Breakin' 2 and The Apple, anyone associated with Cannon Group is capable of blowing your mind with the movie surrounding the often terrible dancing and music (with the exception of 1/3 of the scenes in Breakin' 2). Every sequence in this film could be a highlight reel for Up All Night and Rifftrax. Especially any scene with the atrociously terrible Jeff James (its not totally his fault, his character is a 28 year old man-baby who lives off the teet of mommie's wallet).

Just think about the premise here: an American mega-corporation wants to burn the Amazon down (so they can sell ash?) despite a tribe of "Indians" (you racist bastards! They aren't even in North America!!!) living in their destruction zone. The tribe's princess is the only one who can save them (she speaks English) so she hops a flight to LA to try to convince "the Chairman" (of the Board of Directors?) to stop the burning. He isn't in today so instead she forgets about all that stuff and gets a job as a maid, where she seduces said man-baby with her sexy tribal dance rituals/masturbation. After a brief courting period, they team up to lambada their way onto national TV to bring awareness of the Amazon to children who don't do grocery shopping. The only thing stopping them? The evil corp's main hencher, Richard GD Lynch along with man-baby's ex-girlfriend.

Now try to write a movie around that premise that ISN'T going to be awesome. We'll wait.

From start to finish, The Forbidden Dance is a riffer's paradise and ROFL full. Don't be scared off by the danceical. There's very little dancing in it and when its there, its laughable. It's an absolute blast and a total do from us.

Well I guess if you ever wanted to watch a movie where the cast and crew literally get eaten alive by the stars of the movie, well this is that movie. Its horrifying and terrible and likely contributed to the end of the world. I say that without exaggeration.

What Roar is goes beyond anything that Tommy Wiseau, Neil Breen, and M. Knight Shamalyan had ever envisioned for a vanity-piece-gone-awry. There is volumes of material that are all worth reading about for this film, so I'll briefly sum up what you should know. Basically, Tippi Hendren and her husband Noel Marshall hatched an idea to make a film about living in peace with animals that are dangerous but misunderstood. Its about harmony with nature. So what they did was bought a large compound in the California desert and then brought in 150 big cats (and 1 elephant) to live with their family and then shoot a film with the lions, tigers, panthers and jaguars as the stars. Mind you this is all done with Noel and Tippi acting as head trainers, veterinarians and Robert Muldoons of the compound - all without a bit of experience or education on how to do so. So they built a set, hired Jan De Bont as cinematographer and start filming himself and his family getting eaten by their pets. This is hubris to the maximum.

What resulted was a financial disaster despite taking almost a decade to film of nearly $15 million in losses, your daughter (Melanie Griffith) getting her face clawed off and needing plastic surgery, your cinematographer getting the back of his head torn off, your ranch flooding destroying your set and your cages thus freeing the lions resulting in 14 of them drowning or being shot by authorities. This not only inspired the scumbags that are "big cat rescue" buttholes but DIRECTLY resulted in Tiger King (Carol Baskin bought many of her big cats from Tippi Hedren). Unbelievable.

Now for the film itself.

• Is it fun? No.
• Is it funny? No.
• Is it riffable? No.

What Roar is instead is an absolute nightmare. The horror that takes place on screen is what Wes Craven, Blumhouse, and even Alfred Hitchcock (who likely had an indirect hand in causing this disaster) could only dream of. The torture that Noel Marshall put his children through (and were truly forced to do), his complete lack of human compassion as viewed by not yelling "Cut!" and kept rolling as his actors were eaten in front of him, especially when his step-daughter is mauled while his wife desperately tries to pull the lion off her is display of moral absence that has never been caught on film like this. Noel's own on screen performance which can only be described as daffy all with wall-to-wall circus music score is the thing of nightmares.

Should you watch it? Absolutely. This is required viewing. Will I ever watch it again? Hell no. Watch it once and then have your beliefs that maybe mankind's time is done reinforced.

He's a real tough guy, but almost everyone he deals with is just a bit tougher, but not tough enough to out tough his toughness. That was until he meets his weekly nemesis, Cat-Man!

So Zach Kane is a character. He's a total loser. He's a washed up boxer that now is a borderline vigilante who can barely make ends meet. While that seems like a fairly cliché character model for a late 70s action movie, there's a nice twist to Kane's character; he believes he's still one tough guy. He's never come to terms with his loserness, either by denial or just complete lack of context. He keeps getting his butt kicked by life and his own decisions but he's oblivious. Imagine Johnny Lawrence in episode 1 of Cobra Kai but never having any sort of redemption.

While this is mostly considered as an action movie, this is much more of a thriller with the plot centering around a man-hunt for a serial killer. The serial killer himself is quite the character as well. He's a rich kid with some serious mommy issues or at least issues with his mommy being an orgy-loving swinger. So he puts on his trash bag hood and stalks the night as Cat-Man. He literally makes hissing sounds whenever he's in some sort of danger. Little Richard is not exactly Zodiac.

The cast is rounded out by Sherry Jackson's Jennifer. Jennifer also has some serious mental health issues or at least self-destructive tendencies. First, Sherry Jackson is a smoke-show and therefore so is Jennifer. Second, she's a well-to-do gal who appears to have a stable source of income. Third, she's an LA socialite with connections to the upper crust. Yet, she is given a bag of Pizza Hut by a guy in a parking lot and she's now swooning for him. He's covered in dirt and blood every time she's with him and comes and goes as he pleases, yet within two dates she's in love with our boy Zach. Why, Jennifer? Why?!?!?

Bare Knuckles isn't your typical stinker of this vein. It's mildly slow. The action isn't good. There's relatively low amounts of stunts. There's zero shoot-outs and little blood. Yet, the price of admission is whether you can discover the good movie that is buried in the crap that is the narrative and film production. You may find yourself asking yourself where the line is on bounty-hunting and vigilantism. You may find yourself analyzing the motives of the characters. You may find yourself comparing Zach and Richard to Batman and Joker. You may find yourself living in a shotgun shack. And you may ask yourself, well why am I watching this?

Its not for everyone, and its not any sort of bad movie show stopper. But it is a very interesting movie with much to be discussed by lovers of bad movies. We say go for it with your other film buddies, but don't bring any rookies in. This is for intermediates.

Yor does not come from the future. He comes from over there. Sorry for the spoiler. He is still awesome. The ladies love him, the men fear him and Yor believes himself to be the most rad dude of all time and he might be right.

Yor is one of those wacky Italian movies that believes to be a good idea with a good story but is just a mess of silly business. Yor bounces smugly from scene to scene veritably stating directly to the audience, "Hey, did you know I'm awesome? Cause I am." His motivations aren't clear, his actions are bonkers, and his idiom is dubious. He's great. He even has his own awesome theme song (Yor's World) that rivals "Do You Want to Be a Hero" from Biggles: Adventure in Time and "Stargrove" from Never Too Young To Die.

Yor: The Hunter from the Future is one heck of a good time and is required viewing for any fan of the swords and sandals genre, as long as you like stupid crap. 

Individual Ratings:

Over the top action:
Cheesy effects:
Horrendous acting:
Laugh-out-loud-ability:
Ridiculous stunts:
Gratuitous nudity:
Memorable one-liners:

Overall Ratings:

Good Movie Quality:
Bad Movie Quality:

How do you follow up Wes Craven's directing? You call Jim Wynorski? And he totally shows Wes how its done? Wow. Fan-Fave Jim showcases how you have fun with a failed superhero property. Replace Zach Snyder right now, DC!

The polarization between the two versions of Swamp Thing is night and day. It's known within the first 15 seconds as shown by the opening scroll:

"Once upon a time....in the swamp!"

Boom.

Then 8 minutes later we get a real vision of what we are in for - a Swamp Thing costume that looks good filled with a dude that is a) confident in his coolness, b) stupid charming. You know he's giving a thumbs-up at some point. What is happening?

The production level in the sequel gets a massive bump as well, from the sets to makeup, the lighting, cinematography, explosions, sound design....everything but the acting. Bad acting? Well yes, but it so works here. Fun is the top priority for not just the viewer but those involved on the set as well. Marlon Brando School of Method Acting takes a back seat and that's a good thing.

The whole film is an absolute blast with hot-pacing, fun jokes, way over-the-top action, great costumes and makeup, sexy ladies, ridiculous villains, a couple precocious scamps, awful acting, and some very subtle cinematography and special effects that reinforce the talent of one Jim Wynorski. This one can't be missed. Expect to see this again in Year in Review.

There is a very small occasional click in the audio of this episode. Adobe Audition isn't a great program. It's really small and you may not even notice it, but we want to apologize for it in advance.

Nothing says the follow-up to Superman like a budget movie, right? It's that weird mix of camp, bad costumes, a busty lady, and villians of dubious intent. Oh, and it's also a fairy-tale love story. WTF is Swamp Thing?

It's surprisingly bad. Nothing can prepare you for how crummy this film is. You've got all the pieces that should make for an OK movie - the established Wes Craven only 2 years before his masterpiece. Adrienne Barbeau hot off her run of John Carpenter films, Ray Wise on his way to Leland nuttiness, Harry Manfredini ready to give the hot licks, Alan Moore's material, the backing of DC loaded up on cash after Superman. How did this go wrong?!?!

The makeup is awful, the costumes are atrocious, the writing is beyond nonsense, the story is a big question mark and then the way the whole thing ends is just nuts. This truly is one of the worst comic-book movies of all time.

That aside, it's a total blast - cheesy, cheesy fun. Swamp Thing is completely useless, despite having super-strength and healing powers. He mostly just chucks guys out of boats, then lets them get back in, then chucks them out, rinse and repeat. Meanwhile, Barbeau's Cable, is just getting nabbed over and over again. Useless.

The end...wow. Whomever thought that your epic climax would best be shown by a battle over a knight's sword between a man-pig and a guy in a loose rubber costume was going to wow audience's....yipes.

It's a must-do bad movie.

Get ready to meet the most righteous dudes of movie villians and the most disappearing of protagonists. John Rad gives us one of the biggest and most glorious of trainwrecks in film. Black Pepper is coming your way, buster!

What you've got here is one of those "hey we found this movie, does anyone wanna finish it?" Filmed in the mid-80s this wasn't released until 2005 with an assist from Drafthouse. Much along the lines of Miami Connection its a masterpiece in bad filmmaking by a nice person and cost everything for failure. Sadly the director, John Rad (or Jahangir Salehi by his true name) had this movie sit on a shelf for 20 years and not have it released to the right audience until it was far too late. John died before this movie could do so. But what a gift to leave the world. Thanks John!

While on surface this may have a fairly cliche revenge/lady Punisher plot but wow does this get off course fast. Mina (who may be our protagonist if she hadn't disappeared for 1/2 the movie) goes on a murder spree of rapey dudes after seeing her fiancé murdered by "The Bikers". Her lady vengeance lasts for only 1/5 of her murders before she shifts gears and starts killing random dudes and trans night walkers. All while, David (her dead fiancé's brother) tries to find her by sitting at another detectives desk. Eventually David decides to stalk "The Bikers" which leads him to the top of "The Bikers" food chain (or just the most popular biker, we just aren't clear). Thus the hunt for Black Pepper begins. Yes we don't even know about the antagonist (or if there even is one) until there is only 30 minutes of film left.

Then the worlds greatest 30 minutes in cinema begins.

The Hunt for Black Pepper could be its own movie. The decision to cast Bryan Jenkins (who is Head of the Drug Dealers in the credits - despite there no mention of anyone dealing drugs in the movie AND THAT HIS NAME IS BLACK MFING PEPPER!!!) could be its own documentary. We've been told that Black Pepper is a real bad dude. He'll feed you your own balls. He'd cut his own mom's throat if it benefitted him. He's a BAAAAAAAD dude. And then you meet Black Pepper and you're like "THAT'S Black Pepper?!?!?"

Without Black Pepper, this would probably still be a do. But with the stunning final sequence this movie is Hall of Fame worthy and is a must see. Its fantastic.

Olivia D'Abo shows up as not Red Sonja in one of the most loathed films from both Schwaz and the beloved Swords and Sorcery genre. I blame Dino....again.

Is it worth $4 to watch this movie? You’ll have to make it to the end of the podcast for that full evaluation. Is it worth watching if you already have access to it? Yes. This was one of my most hated films. For years I’ve called it Conan the Babysitter.

Against the first film, it certainly is but when removed from the “Barbarian” and gauged on it’s own, this stinker is worth a run. It also maintains our current theme of MPAA headscratchers. What says PG? A 14 year old in lingerie? Grace Jones’ whole butt? Bloody decapitations? I would say none of these things should be in a PG film. This one has all of that plus; wizard battles, lame pro wrestling, Schwaz noises galore and Sarah Douglas lusting after a statue. 

Though a thorough failure to hold even half the weight of its predecessor, it may be so influential that the Zach Snyder's Justice League is essentially a carbon copy stretched to 4 hours with the edition of glam shots and slow motion. You get a bunch of Lord of the Rings-esque walking around, a glass wizard in a glass house tossing stones at himself, cavemen losing their heads, Sven Ole Thorson rising from the dead, Wilt the Stilt’s acting prowess, bad animation, worse rear projection, young Schwaz in a position of elder statesman of acting and a fucking sea monster. 

I guess the idea is, if you are the one who awakens the demon god of world destruction, he not only doesn’t kill you but bangs the hell out of you (just the way you like it). This is hoping he isn’t a crappy sea monster who can be defeated by a stacked guy in his underwear, a pop star and the guy from Repo Man. If your demon god of world destruction and banging is a crappy sea monster, said folks will kill the shit out of you and him, then take all your stuff. They’ve been doing it a while and are pretty good at it. 

Don’t get us wrong, this isn’t a classic stinker, but it is a pretty good time. It rolls along with minimal drowsiness, has action that is all dumb and even mostly avoids anti-climax. 

Albert Finney and Susan Day go on a misguided adventure into the dark dealings of a company that... wants to make more effective commercials and light guns? Is Digital Matrix the worst company ever?

There I am, watching this movie, wondering what Sam was thinking by choosing this movie for an episode. Honestly, the first 1/2 of this is pretty solid - mostly because you don't know what is going on in the same way that Albert Finney's Dr. Larry Roberts is stuck in the middle of a murder conspiracy and trying to put the pieces together. Then the second half is you focusing on hoping that the movie explains why the evil corporation does what it does only to learn that you never learn. You're lost in the same way that Roberts is when he's zapped by a light gun.

Light gun, you say? What is that? Well we'd like to know too. It's power is dubious. What it does is shoot out a white doily pattern that:

1. blinds you
2. makes you "lose time"
3. makes your owner of the gun invisible for a brief time

How would one thwart such an advanced weapon that doesn't make sense and manufactured by an advertising firm? Well you simply put up your arm or wear Doc Brown's sunglasses from 2015.

So what you're left with is more questions than answers at the end of this. Why did Digital Matrix murder their contract models? What possible gain did they have from doing it? It can't have been to silence them, as their knowledge is the same as what Digital Matrix has released to the public. Why did they pin the murders on Dr. Larry Roberts? Just make them look like accidents. Even if you can't fix their obvious connection, you're inviting this guy to try and defend his name and thus tear your whole company to the ground. Lastly, why did you invent a light gun? You make commercials. I mean come on. One could make an argument that Digital Matrix is making deep fakes so they can rule the world by having politicians say whatever they want but then the politician could just say, "I never said that" and now you've got Congress on your ass (unless Mitch McConnell is still there and then nothing is getting done except orphanage's burning down to his delight). Maybe they are REPLACING those whom have been "Lookered" ala Fallout 4 but that's not something that is happening here. If Digital Matrix had just made good commercials without killing models or bothering with light guns, they would have risen to be the biggest/wealthiest production company in the world - we're talking Apple money here guys. No instead you had a board meeting where Gary said, "What if we murdered our Lookers after we scan their naked bodies?" and everyone else in ties stands up and applauds. If just one of those coffee swillers had just asked "But why?" you'd have a different film. That doesn't happen. Thus Looker suffers from The Idiot Plot and suffers maybe in the hardest Idiot Plot we've ever seen.

Because of that, Looker is something that needs to be seen to believed. The second half is such a complete meltdown and beyond inept (Larry's car "crash" of gently placing his Porsche 928 in a fountain comes to mind) culminates in the final battle that is really a battle with the editor lost on what to do with the story. So yes, this is a do from us as a great and fantastic train wreck.

That bad guy from Stargrove hatches a diabolical plan to steal all the dubious chips using bug-bots while Tom Selleck's mustache chases tail AND Gene Simmons. Maybe program your robots to only attack your enemies, Gene.

What is Runaway? It falls into this weird pit where you can't really say its a stinker as there is a number of really well done things. Of course, Selleck is great. Gene Simmons is a great villain. Kirstie Alley and Cynthia Rhodes are competent. It looks good. The effects are solid. The "future" world (not sure if its the future as we never have a "Five Years From Now" card) is well crafted. The score is appropriate and subtle. Yet, somehow every bit of good is countered with pure cheesy stink.

The robots... how do you build a Roomba to hold a gun? The movie tells us that the runaway that does so has been modified - so this family of 4 put a hand on it that can pull a trigger. It doesn't work. So because the families of America are too stupid to not put handgun holding hands on their dust-busters, local police are now robot catchers with all of the powers of the precinct to catch robots that runover corn and drop cement in the wrong spot. "I'll need a tank, three choppers and sixteen rocket launchers to catch this pizza-bot!"

Second to this is the pacing and narrative. While Tom and Cynthia are doing their Geek Squad thing for the first half, a trail of clues that lead to Gene Simmons is put together off screen. They go from turning off robots at a construction site to infiltrating the corporate HQ that Simmon's Luther is hatching his mastermind plan. Luther is a bit of an idiot. Great job leaving that Tupperware full of clues on your secretaries desk and modifying a robot near those chips so that the only way the cops can catch you is to have them come to this office. You boner.

While we're being told a very dark tale of technology gone amuck and the Occam's Razor of our relationship with tech, Tom's character is growing a huge chub over damsels in distress held captive by security bots. Back that up with some seriously not funny jokes. Its clear while Crichton is a sci-fi genius, he's about as funny as mud. Toss in the least frightening robots since The Rock Lords and now the scale is tilting to Stinker.

Another massive video game adaptation comes to us in the form of a fighting game with massive jiggle physics. Somehow they managed to supplement the jiggle with one of the dumbest villain idiot plot we've ever come across.

So let's get the obvious question out of the way - is DOA the movie as jiggly as the game - no. The sexuality in the movie is way toned down - due to trying to reach a mass audience including the sexually conservative Chinese market. Bummer.

With that in mind, maybe that's a good thing (well good for us) because the focus shifts from bouncy boobs to ridiculous stunts. The male gaze of the camera is still there but the focus is shifted to medium wide shots to get the sheer magnitude of the stupidly ridiculous stunts and wirework. I mean wirework is a great tool for supplementing great stunts but this goes so far over the top that the stupid circles back and becomes awesome.

However, as great as all the ladies are, Eric Roberts once again steals the show. Why anyone says, "Oh we've got Eric Roberts. Lets spend $30 million on it" is absolutely beyond me. He stinks so bad and its beautiful. One of the worlds greatest tragedies is that Eric Roberts had a very successful sister in mainstream cinema. Otherwise, he likely would have still been Eric Roberts but would have had to work harder - likely putting himself in front AND behind the camera. We'd have another Tommy and Neil Breen roaming around out there - this one focused solely on karate movies. It would have been fantastic! Anyways, Donovan is the most self sabotaging villain we've ever come across. Seriously, he kills himself and blows up his own island for karate glasses. Wow is Donovan stupid.

Despite DOA's nasty reputation, it's a classic stinker and should be viewed by anyone who loves cheesy stupid films. It's great.

Two "brothers" get chased around so that Robert Patrick's hair can capture the second half of the Double Dragon while teaming up with The Hyper-Color Gang. Patrick should have just drank more vodka.

What works best in this movie is everything that didn't work for me in 1994. Everything sucks. The look of the film is vomit. The acting is gut-wrenching. The plot is corny. The action is hammy. The one-liners are a series of eye-ball rolls. Yet somehow, in post-2007, this thing is such an absolute mess of terrible ideas that don't really happen anymore. Most modern movies revolve around just one or two terrible decisions ie. The Great Wall's plot, making the tornado a monster in Hurricane Heist, the dialogue in London has Fallen. This movie is instead a showcase of nothing but terrible ideas and failed concepts that all become awesome now.

Take for instance the Lee brothers played by Mark Dacascos (sure) and Scott Wolf?!?!? Why in the hell is Scott Wolf in this movie? Well with our 20/20 the film wouldn't be the same as without. Need more? How about the set design of 2007's New Angeles? How about their future cars? How about Robert Patrick's hair? I could go on for days on the little details that make this movie crap and great at the same time.

Double Dragon is something you likely hated when it came out. Its time for you to circle back and see what you think. We loved it.

PLUS - a reflection on the Matrix Trilogy with some of our theories on what the hell it is about.

Ok, you know what happens in this film. You've seen it at least twice and then have it crammed down your throat anytime you watch anything about 80's pop culture. But ask yourself this: what is Top Gun actually about?

Look, this movie is thing because of two reasons: Kenny Loggins and Tony Scott shot the hell out of it. If you remove those two things (or just the Tony Scott aesthetic) you've got Navy Seals again. Think of the world we could have had if Tony Scott sucked at cinematography. Tom Cruises doesn't become a huge deal, Scientology disappears and we never get The Mummy. Sure, Desert Storm might have lasted a few months longer but seriously Val Kilmer might still be funny and Katie Holmes life would have had less oppression/slavery in it.

Why? Because this thing is devoid of content. Its Megaforce levels of nothing happening. Yes jets fly around and people have hang down contests with undeclared winners but absolutely nothing happens. When you're more invested in the story of Iron Eagle, you've got a film that isn't exactly Shakespeare. The closest you could come to a story is that a boy with daddy issues shows off his daddy issues. That's not a plot!

If you can get past the lack of plot, you might be left asking, "Well what does this movie say about anything?" Here's where things get interesting. I can't help but think Top Gun despite being a cultural phenomenon, was a catalyst to changing the tone to America's foreign policy and military agenda (until 2016 to 2020) - it wasn't a good strategy to use Vietnam era dickheadery anymore. You couldn't just stick jack-asses in planes and point them in a direction and say "blow up whatever's over there". We learned we actually needed people with objectives and ideas and skills and not morons with phallic obsessions in charge. Trump arguably won because his voters were forced to watch this on loop Clockwork Orange style. That's possibly the best theory of what happened in 2016 (its better than "economic anxiety"). So you're gonna have to decide for yourself if the world would be a better place without Top Gun. Seriously, funny Val Kilmer....

Well, I'll get off my soap box. Top Gun sucks and I hate it.

Teenagers form up to take down an evil empire in their flying ships. Oh and rescue daddy. And get sage advice from an older veteran. Oh and act like a bunch of idiots along the way.

So I had no idea how bad Iron Eagle actually is. I had a level of expectation that it was mostly dumb and corny but WOW Iron Eagle is over-the-top stupid. I mean its hard to describe. It truly has to be seen to believed. Between the plot of a teenager likely bringing about WWIII while rocking out to Queen to flying through Beggar's Canyon in a deathrace to Jason Gedrick's constant deadpan in the face of death AND bad grades, you can just read what a stinker this thing is.

I guess if we had to complain, its pretty lackluster in the action department. The action in the front end takes about 3 minutes and there is a long complaining, training and failing sequence before about 15 minutes of action at the end. And by action I mean model airplanes suspended by fishline and strapped with firecrackers getting blown up for about 4 frames. It at no point is very exciting or visually interesting. 

While all that is said Iron Eagle is a must view for stinker fans. You might not even remember how bad it is so buckle in for a Hades bomb of dumb and fun.

Nicole Eggert goes part Robocop, part Wolverine, part Deadpool and all terrible in this cheese-fest from the 90s dark action bandwagon, while also managing to cram in Richard Grieco's true acting ability and still managing to be somewhat boring.

This is another movie that has all the things that are required to make a bad movie awesome yet isn't because of the filmmaking elements of the time. The feel and tone of the film bogs down all the awesome crap that happens. Its like a delicious donut served only with Metamucil. Boy, you want to enjoy the donut but your stuck drinking your geriatric medicine. Do you pass on the whole experience?

So outside of the clichés of mid-late 90s film, there's a lot of fun here. Richard Grieco is allowed to finally go full Grieco. That's not like letting Nic Cage off the chain, but its pretty close. Grieco would have won a best bad actor SMABFA if we had a podcasting time machine (plus all the evil that Sam would do to hot ladies). His performance alone is worth the price of admission.

Next to him, Nicole Eggert isn't good here and maybe never is but she doesn't exactly have a script by David Mamet to work with here. She's stuck lamenting being dead most of the time, while pondering if being a zombie detracts from her attractiveness. She does what she can. Its also not really her fault that her costume sucks and her action moves are wooden.

While the film should be lampooned for its acting and script, it should also be applauded for its budget production design and world building on a very limited budget. The Demolitionist's tri-guns that are repurposed prank cigarette lighter guns, the zombie injection chair, the lab for the Lazarus Project, and the mayors office all should receive a "Best Cost Efficient Production Design" Oscar. I'm sure that's what you showed up for, right?

So if you can stand those 90s tropes or even revel in how crummy they are, you'll likely greatly enjoy The Demolitionist. Sadly, I hated The Crow when it came out and I hate it now, so the Metamucil of the film reduces its star count to a barely "do" if you've never seen it.

The autobiographical story of how a teenage girl breaks her dad's "no banging guys who knock up other ladies and then get them terrible abortion doctors" rule over the summer at a sex-trafficking church camp for rich hypocrites.

Yes, I know this is your mom's favorite movie. There's strike number one.

What Dirty Dancing is (besides a cultural phenomenon) is a non-movie. A series of events without what we in the biz like to call a plot is not a movie. No, the plot isn't "Baby falls in love" - that is over within the first 1/3 of the movie. No, the plot isn't "Baby learns to dance and wins the competition" - that happens halfway through. Best we can do is the plot is "Father learns daughter's summer love didn't impregnate a grown woman". That's not really something to put 100 minutes around.

Secondly, there's the icky. This movie is dripping with icky. No, it's not the dancing. The dancing viewed through modern lenses is quite wholesome. The icky is the glorification of statutory rape. Baby is 17. Johnny is 25. That's rape, period. Yes it wasn't illegal in NY in 1963. That doesn't make it ok. Stop making exceptions for having sex with children. Its not ok. But wait, there's more ick. The entire setting of this film is a sex-trafficking and forced prostitution resort. The wait staff's job is to bang the daughters of the rich customers and the entertainment staff's job is to bang the lonely wives of the rich customers - whether you want to or not and bitch better have my money. Its gross.

With that in mind, should you view this movie? Nope - and not because of the ick. The ick doesn't mean this movie should be censored or "cancelled" as dumb Ohio wrestling coaches gone US Congressmen wish we were saying. The ick just needs to stop being glorified. No, just don't watch this movie because it sucks and is bereft of actual content that makes up a story.

The autobiographical story of how a teenage girl breaks her dad's "no banging guys who knock up other ladies and then get them terrible abortion doctors" rule over the summer at a sex-trafficking church camp for rich hypocrites.

Yes, I know this is your mom's favorite movie. There's strike number one.

What Dirty Dancing is (besides a cultural phenomenon) is a non-movie. A series of events without what we in the biz like to call a plot is not a movie. No, the plot isn't "Baby falls in love" - that is over within the first 1/3 of the movie. No, the plot isn't "Baby learns to dance and wins the competition" - that happens halfway through. Best we can do is the plot is "Father learns daughter's summer love didn't impregnate a grown woman". That's not really something to put 100 minutes around.

Secondly, there's the icky. This movie is dripping with icky. No, it's not the dancing. The dancing viewed through modern lenses is quite wholesome. The icky is the glorification of statutory rape. Baby is 17. Johnny is 25. That's rape, period. Yes it wasn't illegal in NY in 1963. That doesn't make it ok. Stop making exceptions for having sex with children. Its not ok. But wait, there's more ick. The entire setting of this film is a sex-trafficking and forced prostitution resort. The wait staff's job is to bang the daughters of the rich customers and the entertainment staff's job is to bang the lonely wives of the rich customers - whether you want to or not and bitch better have my money. Its gross.

With that in mind, should you view this movie? Nope - and not because of the ick. The ick doesn't mean this movie should be censored or "cancelled" as dumb Ohio wrestling coaches gone US Congressmen wish we were saying. The ick just needs to stop being glorified. No, just don't watch this movie because it sucks and is bereft of actual content that makes up a story.

Its Schwazenator vs Y2k fears! The epic battle begins! Meanwhile, Gabriel Byrne gets a handful.

So what we've got here is that Satan wants to ensure that the Anti-Christ's mom is gonna be good to go when she's old enough for a rogering. The PROBLEM is that it takes about 15 views to understand that. The film is mostly just nonsense action sequences that could very well be just unconnected events if one isn't taking notes on the dialogue (or listening to a podcast discussing this all).

The late 90's...why did you have to ruin every silly movie with your dark pre-apocalyptic tones?!?! End of Days is a cheesy Arnold movie that would have been a classic if it had been made 10 years earlier. But the damn 90's ruined it. You can expect common fair such as jump scares, choppy editing, a hero that hates his life outside the events of the film, and trench coats. Change these things to big hair, exploding choppers and electronic drum kits while leaving every thing else the same we've got a classic stinker. Argh.

The action is silly, the plot is nonsense, none of the movie's rules get followed, the one-liners are solid, the dialogue is atrocious and Robin Tunney's top is off. That's enough to pay for the price of admission - but just expect to deal with going through a Se7en wannabe, just like every other movie from this time period.

If 1980's Hollywood was obsessed with water shortages, the 90s was obsessed with evil cable TV. Here a husband and wife get sucked into a hellscape of television also known as CBS Primetime.

So what we've got here is that John Ritter's Roy is obsessed with watching TV and ignores his responsibilities, his kids and his wife. Pam Dobber as Helen seeks for a way to get him off the tube but that problem works itself out when both are sucked into a Devil's Gambit that sends them through various television parodies and tropes. If that wasn't the setup for 90's comedy gold...let's chuck $25 million at it!

When you've got parodies like "The Napper Crapper" and "Golden Ghouls", you HAVE to spend $25 million on it! I mean it's got John Ritter and Pam Dobber in it! $25 million! Where everything went right in UHF (even though it was a flop too) very rarely does anything go right here. It's a series of hammy Full House style jokes and groan inducing one-liners. It comes off as a compilation of SNL's worst sketches with the writer's dropping the mic after you vomit.

This can be skipped by anyone with anything else to do. Just go watch UHF again.

Perhaps it was your favorite movie when you were 9. Maybe you should watch it again as an adult - it might still be your favorite movie.

Some movies that have production failures on the level of The Ice Pirates go into the barrel of cinematic toxic waste. The list is so long that we have only started to scratch the surface of such turds. Yet The Ice Pirates is a spectacle. Its failures never detract from what it was attempting to be and accomplish.

Usually when you have a Hall of Fame worthy film, it's because of it being misunderstood by a mass audience or falls into the "its so bad, it's good" style. However, The Ice Pirates is what it is - a cheesy great time. There's no hidden commentary. There's no laughing at it ironically. It's just a movie that could never have been "good" by its nature and still manages to be great.

The cast is fantastic. The jokes are solid. The set pieces are iconic. And the end is absolutely spectacular. There is a reason so many great writers borrow from The Ice Pirates. If you haven't seen it - watch it. If you have - watch it again. You'll thank us later.

Its a straight-up western, but because its from 1987 it has to be set in a post-apocalyptic world and instead of cowboy hats, we get hair-spray helmets. Despite everything there might be a good movie buried in the sands.

So its Shane, Once upon in the West, Star Wars and Fallout 4. Ok, maybe Fallout 4 is Steel Dawn. Clearly, Fallout 76 is Steel Dawn. Anyways, this is a hot mess. 

The music doesn't fit. The world doesn't make any damn sense. The plot doesn't make much sense. The hair makes no sense. The action is ludicrous. The Stranger's one-liners are silly. It's just a pile of not doing a good job and yet...somehow it feels like there's something good here.

The tone of the whole movie is a fairly conventional western theme. A lone wanderer with a dark past shuffles into town, where he meets a widow and her son along with their jealous and lonely foreman, and has to defend the farm from a rival who wants their resources. That's about as western (or Japanese samurai, of which most spaghetti westerns are imitations of) as a movie gets. Atop of that is solid camera work that highlights this tone and story. It seems like there's a good movie buried here.

Yet because its a PA film, you've got a bunch of nonsense; like sand-people, cool looking but useless weapons, crappy and dirty sets and future cars that mostly suck. You've got characters who don't make sense and motivations that are dubious at best. Sprinkle in some scenes that are bonkers like the romance in the dirt, the party crashers at "the gathering", inept henchmen and why they live in the wasteland in the first place makes this an absolute must do and likely a favorite for many a viewer.

Its one of those iconic 80's swords and sandals/science fiction blend movies and beloved by many. We can understand why, but this was a massive failure that likely cost the genre decades of great movies until the LOTR Trilogy.

So Krull is one of the most expensive movies of the 80s and fails on so many levels. You've got the classic inaction in action (nothing happens during action sequences), the choreography was done by Stevie Wonder, and the effects and sets are so overly impossible to do that they end up looking like 2nd grade paper Mache. The wire work is only worse in Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark. The costumes are atrocious and prevent the actors from actually engaging with each other or the scene itself. Its a mess.

While all of that may sound like Red Sonja or Dune, Krull falls more into the Flash Gordon's of bad movies. Its loved because of the cheese and the failures. Add in wizards living with kids in rocks, a doofer for a hero, forgetting to use The Glaive, the cyclops who can see less than the blind guy, plot advancing by "I know a guy who knows a guy", Star Wars similarities and the rules of the universe make this a classic stinker. Krull is one of those unique films that is too long but if you cut it down it'd only be worse. It's not anywhere near a Hall of Fame discussion but shouldn't be missed by anyone except people who have stuff to do, like laundry.

It ain't Blade. It's 90s Anne Rice with unattractive people and inept opponents. And it all could have been avoided by drinking tea together.

At least everyone is evenly matched. Don's Jack Cutter is way ill equipped and ill prepared to be taking down even lower level vampires. Guns don't work, bud. A sword seriously would have been cheaper and more effective than his shotgun and M1911s. Or a hammer. Use a damn hammer! Why a hammer against vampires? Because the vampires have spines that are made of glass. Well big deal right? Nope that's the only way you can kill them. By breaking their incredibly fragile spine. Huh...

And so the idiot plot begins. This entire movie is about vampires fight vampire hunters - all because the vampire hunters want to kill them. Why do the vampire hunters want to kill them? Because the vampires want to kill them. Not because they are abominations. Not because they are eating people. Not because their tired of their goth attire. Nope. Its just a blood feud. So all this could have been avoided if they'd just walked away and the vampires could have used their immortality to benefit the world via medicine, music and exploration, By blood feuding, the vampire hunters are denying the planet a utopian future.

Look, it's not great. It's got the feeling and tone of a million other 90s DTV movies (usually staring Jeff Fahey or James Remar) and drags here and there. But the idiot plot, the horrible casting, the stupid karate and the LOL ending all put this in the DO column.

Charlie Bronson goes to Colorado to deal with that same ol' blood feud when two Mormon bros. branch out into some pretty wild dogma all while Charlie walks around and does some really bad reporting.

Bronson's Smith is arguably the worst reporter I've ever seen (Chris Cilliza at least says something even if its moronic) and I don't understand how anything happens in this film around him. We've got your classic idiot plot here. The villains yell out "Hey it's us, look at us! We're the water company! Arrest us!" while the surrounding cast of characters look at a silent Smith for all the answers. Usually Bronson is a blank slate in Cannon movies but I really can't blame him for this one. Smith is just that slow.

As for what's going on here... well, it's just Chinatown. These water companies are apparently a real problem and probably require some federal regulation, at least oversight. Yet, somehow the villain's plot just doesn't work. Starting a blood feud to gain access to an artesian water source to inflate company profits for a company that you don't own but plan on buying once its worth a whole bunch doesn't seem like a foolproof plan.

While the film isn't your usually Cannon/Bronson banana business, I still think it's a good time. The acting is ridiculous and some of the set pieces are so incredibly stupid (one has a great driving stunt) as well as watching Charlie mumble through his marks makes for a good watch. Don't expect fireworks but do expect some Cannon buffoonery. 

A town of MAGA boys get a parade each time they win a baseball game and the ladies have had enough of their bull. Sadly, their anger lasts about 24 hours. This is why we can't get anything done in this country.

According to Lloyd Kaufman, this is a women's liberation movie. I think he might have decided that way after the fact and the ties to women's lib are behind  boobie movie king, Andy Sidaris saying the same thing. Sure, its got women in leads who want to be treated equally to men, but these are straight up bimbos. Where Andy's ladies were strong and smarter than their male counterparts (also usually topless), Lloyd's lady baseball team are mostly only in it so they can either get their boyfriends back or make the boys fall in love with them.

Sadly, the movie never asks the ladies, "Why in the hell would you even want anything to do with these tools?" If it had, the answer would likely be, "Because we also suck."

Now, there are little flights of fun here - the over hammering the ridiculousness of their softball league - mattress workers vs appliance manufacturers. The Howard Cosell imitating announcer/narrator. But outside of these little bits, the film suffers from massive tedium, groan inducing jokes, garbled dialogue and people needing to be punted into the ditch.

I want to like this movie, but just can't. You can skip it.

Totally awesome video game! Jeff tries to save the community center that doubles as a video arcade with the help from his friends against the dubiously motivated Joe Don Baker who wants to shut it all down. Will Billy Jack win the ski competition to save the school from the rival break-dancers?

Joysticks is arguably Greydon Clark's magnum opus. Its all of it. He threw every cheesy bad movie trope he could think of. Amazingly bad/awesome theme song? Check. Not so subtle phallic worship? Check. A nerd with a heart of gold who may or may not be packing heat? Check. Joe Don? Check. Boobs and then boobs on top of boobs? Check. Uncle Rico? Check. Valley girls who just love video games? Check. Filming without permits? Check. Everything is here.

While the plot is a fairly loose save the community center plot, there's just so much more here than that. Its a hodge-podge of 80's cheesy personalities with a flair of nothing matters but helping each other out He-Man morals. One might get sidetracked by the holy moly amounts of topless women but try to focus here. There's a ton more going on than some knockers. In fact, there is so much going on that you might have to watch this twice to really get all of it.

It's a mega-do from us and shouldn't be missed by anyone.

Its twists! Its turns! Its lefts and rights! Its yields to oncoming traffics. Its Acme Fake Tunnels slapped onto the side of a cliffs! Ben Afllecks and Charlizes try to give us a shocker and instead we get the upper decker.

Reindeer Games is such a pile of mess. On one side you've got "that friend" that watches this on TNT one night (usually while wishing they were invited to the party you're throwing but you intentionally didn't because they can't play in any reindeer games, OMG you're a total dick, dude) then later comes to you and begs you to watch it with them and then stares at you the whole time until 'the big reveal' and then waits for you to react - you don't and they are shocked. You're not the type of person who will be shocked (you listen to Stinker Madness and know your stuff) and so you're relationship gets even more strained but you feel guilty because of that one time when you were really hard up after your girlfriend (that you thought was at least a 9 but was really more like a 6 and just had a solid set of cans) dumped you for a bartender for a biker bar in a different county and this friend let you stay on their couch while you cried yourself to sleep for three days about 15 years ago. Thanks Frankenheimer!

On the other side, you've got one of the worst heist movies ever made - sure its a failed heist intentionally - yet it could never have worked. Ben Affleck's "Rudy" isn't the wildcard that throws a wrench into the works - these idiots could have NEVER robbed this casino successfully even if the character Nick (who Rudy poses as) was in charge the whole time. Its ineptitude to a point that goes beyond bumbling. Then there's the "plan" (the one that isn't revealed until the end) and then you mentally backtrack through the film, you find about 1000 problems with their masterminding. It's unbelievably stupid no matter how this heist could have gone. No these guys are all dead, no matter how things go.

On top of all that, there's this tone problem. Is it supposed to be funny? Is it supposed to be dark? Is it a Christmas movie? Is it satire, parody, suspense, thrilling, or is there some social commentary that maybe Paul Verhoeven should have been in charge of? This thing tonally shifts like the day Animal discovers the xylophone, yet Animal is one hell of a percussionist and this is Star Wars Kid: The Drummer.

With all that information - this movie is fantastic. Its an absolute must do and is as crazy stupid good time as one can possibly have and we absolutely love it.

Nothing says Xmas like a handful of spinning tornados. And nothing makes less of a Christmas movie than just sprinkling in some Christmas decorations in post. I mean at least have the tornado suck up a tree farm or something!

Well, it's not good. That's it, I'll take my leave of you. Oh, I actually have to write up a review? Damn. 

While it has the production quality of a SyFy movie, it exceeds past anything The Asylum can do. Part of that comes from Casper Van Dien. CVD has this unique ability to carry a movie enough to put it in the "do" column. "Oh this movie is a 4? Well I'm gonna have to put it on my back to get it to a 6." Secondly, the production crew knew what they were doing here. They have very little to work with but getting it done with the tools they have is what they do and then they have some fun with it. Nothing looks good, don't get me wrong. But they just cram in more things that don't look good to cover up the other things that don't look good.

While its not a GREAT bad movie, there's definitely enough here that you won't regret watching it. It's got enough stupid dialogue and stupid characters that you've got some moments of true riffing hilarity. You can skip it, if disaster movies aren't your bag or bad CGI pisses you off, but for the rest of us this is a fine bad movie Sunday feature.

David DeCouteau gives us a clinic on how to make a terrible movie in 2 days. Yeah it stinks, but hey! Two days! Suck it, Spielberg!

Gary Daniels, Cynthia Rothrock, Kathy Long and Daniel Bernhardt give us the least action packed movie of all time. Yes you read that right. There is a total count of 0 spin kicks. 0 double axe handles. 0 flying leap kicks to the tummy. Literally there is 0 action. You pulled a big one on us David, you got us. LOL. Haha. We've all had a good laugh now, but so can you seriously add a Special Edition which involves Gary Daniels sweeping Chris Mitchum's legs and Cynthia Rothrock giving Daniel Bernhardt a back breaker over the couch while Kathy Long does a flying kick through a window - shattering Andy's (or Justin Bieber?) clavicle? 

Two of our podcasters thought this movie was boring and I don't get it. I loved this movie. It's arguably the best riffing movie we've ever seen. I mean imagine Birdemic bad but doesn't piss you off and still manages to capture the true meaning of Christmas - maybe more than Santa With Muscles and I Believe in Santa Claus. I find it to be a true stinker masterpiece. 

Sure, I can see your argument that we have to suffer through 10 minutes and 23 seconds of ad-lib croquet. Sure, there's a "fog" that doesn't exist. Sure, we've got a bit of three dudes in a hot tub. Yet, I find it an amazing Christmas experience and I hope you can too.

The Hoff and Joan Collins find love and trouble in a plot to steal all her stuff. Can Curt Taylor find a way to save her career, her belongings, his own life and stop Kojak from further living in up in Club Feb? You tell us - cause we couldn't be bothered to pay attention.

The Cartier Affair is an absolutely solid movie - if you are stacking it against other made for TV movies from the 80's. And then Lonesome Dove came out and TV was changed forever. For the purpose of this podcast/blog - The Cartier Affair is a massive waste of time. There's just nothing to show up for. The plot isn't fun but it's concise. The acting is competent but no standouts. The action "exists" and that's about the best I can say for it. It's just buttered toast that is perfectly toasted. It's still just buttered toast.

So yes this review is short. That's because there's just nothing to call attention to. I guess if you want to see a TV movie from the 80s that doesn't suck. Go for it. However, if you are wanting to use your 90 minutes wisely - watch one of the really bad TV movies ie The Peanut Butter Solution. You can skip this one.

Richard Chamberlain and Sharon Stone return with a few cast surprises and a completely different tone of movie than the first one. Give this one two tries at least. You might love it more if you see it again.

Yes, we know. This isn't near as silly and bonkers as the first one. Yes we know that they recycled pieces from the first one, namely the music and a few shots. Yes we know that the city of gold reveal is pretty unimpressive. BUT....

There is something strange going on here. And it all comes down to James Earl Jones. Despite the good chemistry between Chamberlain and Stone in the first one, here they have GREAT chemistry and that's due to the immense presence and professionalism that is JEJ. His presence just amplifies everyone around him and he fits in perfectly this film. He's also a serious badass. In fact, at one point JEJ lifts a guy over his head and throws him. Like to see you do that, DiCaprio!

What we have found is that when we watched this the first time we all said, "Yeah it's not as good as the first one." But something strange happened upon second viewing - we might like it more than the first one. There's some really good stuff here bumpered by some bonkers in the middle and the end. Is it a "good" movie? HELL NO. It is a stinker for sure, but carries the same tone and pacing as a "good" movie plus the exceptional cast work so well together that we can't help but love it.

Richard Chamberlain and Sharon Stone team up in arguably the best/worst knockoff in film history and arguably Cannon Pictures most fun and most accessible project. Hashtag shenanigans to come.

Campy, cheesy, corny, and whatever C words you can come up (no not that one) fit here. While clearly being an attempt to ride on the financial coattails of Indy, King Solomon's Mines departs greatly in tone. Its more of a Errol Flynn knockoff than anything with Harrison Ford in it. Sure, there is no swashbuckling, but there's an endless parade of "adventure shenanigans", overly ridiculous villains, and constant damsel in distress scenarios with Sharon Stone's Jesse Houston.

Yet, it still maintains a high-level of Cannon ineptitude with bananas set-pieces, terrible rear-projection (think Megaforce), poorly thought-out plot and character motivations and one after the other one-liners. I mean if you wanted The Delta Force mashed up with Batman: The Movie with a cheesy layer on top of Robin Hood, you've found your movie.

This is hall of fame level stuff here guys and highly rewatchable. Make sure to watch or revisit.

Despite it's own best attempts to keep it down, like its terrible VHS cover and misguided title, this western with vampires is an absolute must-do and instant classic. Can we finally have peace with the bloodsuckers?

So the premise here is that vampires have been sent into hiding and chose a small town in the west called Purgatory to sit out the years in relatively quiet peace built by Count Mardulak (David Carradine). They've built their own factory to produce a blood substitute so that they don't have to murder anymore and keep their numbers manageable. That's all going well until the Mayor or guy in charge of staffing (?) Ethan Jefferson (John Ireland) hatches a plan to take over the town and return to the old bloodsucking days. Add in a visit from Van Helsing's descendent (Bruce Campbell) and a family of four with a history to the CEO of Vampire Science Co and you've got a volatile situation brewing.

Most times when you have a premise and a vision for a film such as this, you end up with complete failure. The jokes are groan-inducing, the plot gets loose with its own setup, the pacing and the tone shifts from scene to scene and someone (usually a Cameron Mitchell simulacrum or Coolio) botches their entire performance leaving the rest of the cast rolling their eyes at their colleague. None of that happens here. The cast chemistry is tight; it's clear they all had a great time making this. The actors are let loose upon us with no reins. Bruce Campbell is as "Brucey" as he gets outside of his Ash roles. David Carradine is allowed to be both creepy and charming at the same time. M. Emmet Walsh (the lovable Mort) is a show stealer and relative unknowns Morgan Brittany and Deborah Foreman work in tandem with the heavyweights seamlessly. Usually you need someone like Steven Sorderbergh to rangle this many egos and have it work, but director Anthony Hickox manages to get it done somehow.

It's camp is at a 10 but never gets stale or too much. The jokes are hilarious. The action is bananas. The effects are super-cheesy and wonderful. Most importantly, it keeps the gas pedal mashed to the floor for it's run length and never lets off the brakes. I would change not a hair on its wonderfully shaped head and know that this deserves to be a staple in any cult movie collection.

It's a road trip movie with a cast of psychopaths through zombie infested forests, cannibalistic tribal villages, eclectic owners of mansions, and kittens who live in grandma's tummy. Rough to view in places and absolutely hilarious in others. Viewer beware - this is advanced class stuff.

This movie comes with two major warnings:

1. if you're burned out on zombies this one ain't gonna bring you back
2. if you have eaten food in the last few days, prepare to vomit it in your lap

Because Bruno Mattei is who he is, he's stolen a ton of footage from other films and sources to fill in the time to get to 90 minutes. There's plenty of shots of critters and birds being critters and birds. Ok, instead of fades and wipes you transition with birds and critters, ok. Well here, he's managed to stick with that plan but he get his hands on some documentary footage about cannibals and tribes that do icky stuff with corpses and then crams WAY too much past the shock level and goes into the vom-zone. Some viewers will need to leave the room or see their analyst mid-movie.

Getting past it's primary flaw, there's a TON of fun here starting with the zombies. These are likely the most inept zombies ever. Zombies are inherently inept to begin with hence the "just walk past them joke" in modern pop-culture. However, not only are these zombos incredibly slow moving, they appear to forget that they only have one goal - the taste of sweet sweet people brains - and mostly care about getting teased about being zombies. If you find yourself surrounded by these shamblers, just make fun of them and dance around. Even if their teeth are already touching your skin, they'll just get sad and forget their entire idiom. Absolutely insane.

Sad or not, there's almost a good movie here. Following a team of elite super-SWATs as they become mentally and physically exhausted and suffering from PTSD while still in the TS part would have been something truly special. Instead this was forgot about as Bruno just wants to be Bruno. We love him for it and instead we get one of the most off the mark zombie movie ever. Just be ready to hit the fast-forward button when they reach the village.

It's Evil Dead part III (only in Italy) and has absolutely nothing to do with it. It also has nothing to do with Hoff being Hoff nor Linda Blair being Linda Blair. Nor does it have to do with a plot that makes any sense. Nor does it have to do with being enjoyable.

Witchery (or La Casa 4 in Italy - thus the sequel to Evil Dead) is the baffling tale of a fallen actress whom lives in an island hotel and becomes a witch at some point and then attempts to perform a ritual to either close the gates to Hell or summon Satan to provide the seed for the anti-Christ. It's really impossible to tell what the hell (or not hell) is going on here. You've then got Hoff and Blair running around in the hotel trying to piece together what's going on while avoiding death and trying to escape.

That's all fine. The problem with the film is how it is presented. You've got what reads like a stinker masterpiece on paper but sadly everything takes way to long. The pacing is like betting on a racehorse that is a sure bet and then the gates open and it just walks along the racetrack. You're screaming at the movie, "Get out there and run, you nag!" The pacing isn't even because the film is trying to build suspense and psychological horror. It's really like "hey we paid for this set and makeup - lets milk the hell out of it".

So you've got poor pacing and a plot that you can't figure out all to the backdrop of mumble acting while setting it to trapped on an island boring business. Sadly, Witchery is milk toast. You can skip it.

Most will see this as a Monkey's Paw retell but it's really and truly just a recut of Teen Witch but without all the singing and dancing and then they made it so much crappier...crappier than Teen Witch. Yup.

Some movies are prime for knocking off, right? See the endless list of Jaws and Conan movies from late 70s and 80s. See any Roger Corman movie post-Star Wars. Sure, you won't work very hard on it and make just a few bucks but hey, that's easy money. 

So why in the hell does someone say let's mash up the tone of Final Destination 72 with the story line of an 80's movie with a cult status only with fans of bad movie podcasts? I mean who the hell are they kidding? This is just Teen Witch. One of the damn wishes Claire makes is literally "I want to be the most popular girl!" And of course, at the same point in the film, she gets it all taken away from her and has a feeling of desperation for her life without her magical powers. I mean, WTF? Teen Witch?!?! Who the hell asked for that? Or were you just that lazy? 

"Well I gotta rip of something since I'm clearly not capable of writing my own story so I'll rip off a movie that no one remembers except for a handful of people that only like terrible movies." GTH.

Past that, you've got the clear influence of the Final Destination series. The deaths that are paid for the "blood price" of the monkey's paw, I mean wish box, are overly elaborate with many red herrings in the Rube Goldberg style death sequences. Sadly, while the FD manner of this is frequently fun the ones in Wish Upon leave much to be desired with only the death of Sherilynn Fenn coming within the ballpark of sadistic fun that we hoped for.

Wish Upon is a true turd that doesn't have anything of redemption that makes it a do on our end. Avoid.

A NATO team of the least qualified sea-men (giggle) take the Beatle's submarine down to the depths of the sea and find some icky monsters, hungry starfish and love. Of course they do.

So some might call the Rift a Leviathan and Deep Star Six knockoff, but we see this as much more of an Aliens knockoff, which becomes its fatal flaw. The plot is just so familiar and could take place in space just as easily as it does it under the sea. You've got the expedition into tunnels with an unknown monster patrol ahead. You've got the "military wants the monster for biological warfare" yadda, yadda. You've got the ship breaking down due to sabotage, yadda yadda. It gets tedious just watching Aliens again.

Yet, the effects are a blast with much gore and goop. The monsters are unbelievably inappropriate including the star(fish) of the show. Legs come off, heads get sploded, and Ray Wise gets a face full of slime by the hands of R. Lee Ermey and Jack Scalia's hair explodes throughout the whole movie.

It's not anything special, but The Rift is still a do from us.

Two cops find love in each other's egos, while attempting to clear their names from a villainous plot to take over the world's salted caramel industry. Stallone and Russell team up for one of the raddest buddy cop dumb-dumb rollercoaster. It's shenanigans.

This episode originally aired in January of 2017.

An old villain from Mitch's past comes back to enact revenge by.... having him get married to his one true love? With a cast of Baywatchers this size, and a plot as dumb as it is, this has got to be one wild ride, right? Well....

Sato (Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa) comes back from season 2 of the Baywatch TV series, to get revenge against Mitch and Hobie for getting him arrested. That's all fine and good. The issue lies in how he decides to get it. He gets his girlfriend to have Face-Off style surgery to look just like former show member and off/on again Mitch love interest, Stephanie Holden. Then she must seduce Mitch, bone-down with him repeatedly, get him to propose and then get him to agree to have the wedding on a volcano island so that Sato can put his friends in James Bond style death traps and let Mitch save them. Lots of moving parts in this diabolical-ness.

While Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding is VERY Baywatchesque - it's just too much like a 2 hour TV Episode and not enough like a movie. Yes it has the tone and pace of an episode from the height and stinker quality of the peak of Baywatch. Yes it's the greatest cast in the history of the show. Yes its a great close to the show after the horrendously uninteresting Baywatch Hawaii. But this is a major missed opportunity for the team. We needed a lot more "movie" in it. Car chases, stuntmen on fire, exploding choppers, various stink-eyes given and much more karate fights.

Even if they'd gone with just generic film tropes and did nothing imaginative here, Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding could have gone down as a cult classic. But what it is can only really appeal to people who love the show and at this point, those people are few and far between. It's a sad way to end.

This week we dive into the Le Petit Huey/Starlight candy debate, a welcome to Patreon supporter Clauzy and his watch recommendations, Sam gives Jackie "the hook" and then takes on soap (again?), reviews of Phantasm II & III, Journey 2, Return to Oz, the final Tales of the Baywatch, and El Chupacabra.

Check out Teen Samurai's YouTube channel for some rad music based on your favorite stinkers: Teen Samurai

Nic Cage goes on a deep quest to prevent his own hiring decision from ruining his plans to get super-rich. Along the way he confuses us with poorly written treasure clues, crazy eyebrows, word-association and flaunting Jerry Bruckheimer's watch.

National Treasure is arguably the most "blockbuster" movie ever made. It's filled with EVERY trick in the book for film-making that puts the butts in the movie seats. It's more crap that's ever been put in one burrito. The problem is that every single one of these tricks is as safe and risk free as can be. So yes, it's filled with stuff, but no is it anything you haven't seen 1000 times in other movies. 

So likely, you've already seen this as it was a massive success and right in the sweet box for DVD, so you might be thinking of a revisit. I say thee NAY...tional Treasure 2. You're just not going to garner anything new on a repeat view unless you saw this when you were 9 and thought it was the best movie ever and want to have another helping of disappointment as an adult.

So yes, it's still fun, but it's just barely fun enough for us to give a recommendation but only for first-time viewers and if you've got nothing else going on.

A team of undeclared researchers go on a dig in the middle of the desert only to discover a secret tunnel that leads to America's greatest secret. But if they'd only gone through the IKEA, they could have saved a bunch of time.Truly bad film's greatest secret itself.

Templar Nation is the true underappreciated and under served bad movie in the bad movie genre. While it should be on the same pedestals as The Room, Birdemic, and Fateful Findings, it sadly sits on Amazon Prime Video, buried in the midst of Asylum-like movies waiting for someone to please just take a chance on it. Sure, it doesn't have the behind-the-scenes "charisma" that say Tommy or Neil have, but the horrendously terrible job that Joseph James does to portray himself as a real-life LARPer stands as high as a vanity-piece gone awry as the other three.

Go through the checklist of needs to rival "the bigs" in bad cinema: atrocious acting, scenery chewing leads, bad action sequences, terrible set design, the idiot-plot, unintelligible line delivery, baffling villainy, and a climax that is setup to have the audience be stunned but is instead in stitches with laughter. This is Hall of Fame stuff here, fam.

Ya know, the big three took quite a while to gain some notoriety. And maybe because Templar Nation is from 2013, it hasn't had its chance in the sun yet. So I challenge you, dear listener and reader, make this movie a thing. It truly deserves it.

Two former Knights Templars (however the plural of that works) roam "The Far East" in a vague period of time bust up a usurpation of the kingdom by moping, doing opium, terrible battle plans and becoming Caribbean pirates. Tempyarr!!!

What you want to come here for is the bad acting and the incredibly stupid character decisions. As one could predict, Hayden Christensen is not good. Surprisingly, he's far from the worst. Unsurprisingly, that award goes to Nic Coppola. Look, here's on set for about 3 days. At some point, he went into his trailer for 30 minutes, came back out and then told the director that his character should transition into a voodoo pirate. Well even if one could agree to those terms, Nicolas couldn't because his Yarrr! pirate fades in and out even within the same set of dialogue. Outcast has to rank as one of the worst Cage has even given us and the number one reason to show up to watch this film.

Secondly - why the hell is everyone so stupid? From important characters blowing themselves up, villains challenging strangers to honor duels, giving your enemies a smoke screen, and saying "I didn't see those guards" after getting captured by them when your one job was to look out for guards. Its befuddling how many actions by characters are made in complete and utter moronisy. 

Sadly, upon rewatching, Outcast doesn't hold up to the first viewing. For us it was a surprise stinker the first time we saw it and so we made it a little darling. It's pretty tedious and pouty on the front-end and when you finally get to the goods, you're already 3/4 through the movie. So if you've already seen it, Outcast is a one and done watch. If you haven't then give it a go, but don't expect too much fireworks until Pirate Cage makes his return.

It's disco fever time and the hottest club in LA manages to be one of the lamest clubs in LA at the same time. It's Jeff Goldblum, Donna Summer, Debra Winger and the Commodores giving us a 90 minute infomercial about disco life.

While Sam manages to be correct that this film doesn't have a plot, he's wrong in that it isn't any fun. Sure, it's not going to be for everyone - pretty much if you won't even admit that there was any decent songs during the disco era (I say screw you) you're not going to like any of this. Not because it's chock full of disco (it's mostly funk music) but because disco was so content-free and so is this film.

With that in mind, if you are a fan of American Graffiti, you aren't at least adverse to this type of project.

We'll be honest with ourselves though. We think that this could be right on the fence of a do or don't, until Marv Gomez, "The Leatherman" has his big scene. Once he proclaims that everything besides dancing is "bullshit" the film gets a much needed injection of nonsense. From there on out, you're in for a good time and it becomes a definite do.

So put on your all-cotton shirt and your leather pants and enjoy some disco bologna. We certainly did.

Bugs, bugs, bugs!!! This movie is chock full o' bugs! Large bugs, small bugs, bugs as big as your head - hell bugs that are MADE of your head. Heads that are made of bugs. I got bugs under my skin and bugs on my brain. Hope you like bugs.

The Nest falls into the "body horror" genre as far from being a body horror film as one can be. This should fall into the "its JAWS but bugs are super cheap to work with" genre. Its just the JAWS plot but with bugs. Yes there is a smidgeon of body horror but its not exactly From Beyond. However, there is a lot of good here.

You can see the touch of director Terrence Winkless breaking from the script and making some of the residents of Tiny Bug Town have horrendous and hilarious deaths. When the diner-side of the unnecessary love triangle meets her doom, she goes full-Ash on a pile of cockroaches using the methods she's most adept at - waitressing. It's hilarious.

While the front-end is a little uneventful, there's still enough to carry you through to the good stuff. Keep an eye out for how stupid everyone looks, the weird dialogue, a very uninhibited trailer, how little the sheriff gets done right up to when we meet the very weird Dr. Hubbard. Then the bugs and goop begins and the rest of the film is a solid stinker. It's not a masterpiece but it's still a good Sunday funtime.

The faerie folk who may or may not be all leprechauns have been living peacefully in the center of earth (or Middle Earth as some may call it) while a smug little kid who needs to be punted says he wants to team up with them but ends up shooting all of them. Get to the Time Portal, Uter!

Artermis Fowl is a giant piece of crap. With or without, the departures from the book series, this is a giant piece of crap. It's bad from top to bottom. Every single person failed at their job (with the exception of Colin Farrell who doesn't have time to screw it up). From the effects, to the writing, to the directing, to the editing, to the acting, to the sound design, to the props department. Failure. I'm surprised this team isn't in charge of the Covid-19 response. Yikes.

The plot doesn't exist. This is what Sam calls "table-setting" for the later films that won't ever come because of how awful this crap is. Literally nothing happens here. We're not even sure where the climax is. Hell we're not even sure when the movie starts. It's unfathomable.

Then there's the casting/acting. The kid is awful. He's a kid so we can't pick on his skills too much and I'm sure he was just doing what he was told to do but hey, so did the guards at Auschwitz. There's no excuse. Then there's the people who should have known f-ing better: Dame Judi Dench and Josh Gad - both of whom who are doing their worst Bat-voice which isn't good but then failing on top of their failure. 

Lastly, the effects. Wow. Just six months ago, we were grabbing our torches and pitchforks for the effects of Cats and these guys pushed those people off their bad effects pedestal and then spiked the football. There's this damn centaur who's body's don't match, laser guns that suck, dubious wings on faeries, and then the time vortex. Wow, the time vortex.

Artemis Fowl is the worst movie of 2020 thus far and its just one more thing that Covid-19 has robbed from us. We should have been able to view this in the theater and then watch the box office returns not come in. Damn you, COVID!!!! 

Paul, the dubiously employed dirt digger, gets a case of moon brain causing him to become a "were-gorn" and eventually goes to critical mass all while his new girlfriend keeps him away from doctors and his buddy just wants him dead because its dinner-time.

Track of the Moon Beast is iconic drive-in/MST3K type material. You're sadly not going to find any surprises here. Just imagine Joel, Crow and Tom sitting down and whatever you can imagine to happen on screen will likely happen. There's just nothing new here for anybody. It falls into the same vein and suffering that Ssssssss does (and sadly last weeks Girl in Gold Boots). There's a smattering of good here but for the most part its 90 minutes of milk-toast.

While the makeup and costumes might be some of the worst, what this film does "well" for bad-movie fans is the absolutely terrible script. Its lunacy. Its nonsensical. But again, it's draggy and too few and far between to get to the good stuff. 

Sadly, there just isn't much to say here but avoid this without MST3K.

In a stunning display of some of the worst dancing ever beheld by the eyes of civilization, Michelle really just wants to be the #1 Go-Go dancer in all the world. Standing in her way is two dudes who just want to kiss her at beaches and her own ability to dance like a flopping fish.

This movie falls into a very strange category of recommendation. It's truly about as good as other MST3K classics such a Secret Agent, Super Dragon, The Incredibly Strange Creatures who Stopped Living and Became Mixed Up Zombies, or Eegah!. It's your usual terrible writing about youth out of the psychedelia era, it's got lead characters with dubious idioms and of course strange nonsensical dialogue. Yet there's some weird enjoyment that comes along with it as well. It could be that it's a super-star when it comes to riffing. It could come from the characters being absolutely unlikable and the antithesis of what we expect in theatrics character archetypes.

Everything is a weird choice stemming from the opening scene, the locations, the weird 6-wheeler sequence, Buz' casting choice, the "heist" sequence, the lamest party ever, on and on it goes. There's a little something for everyone here, it's just a matter if you can riff your way past the other sections to get to the stuff that fits your idea of ironic film watching.

We say it's a borderline do if you are in the advanced class for bad movie watching. Otherwise do it with the MST3K.

Voted Britain's Worst Movie Ever (by some blokes who must not have a very deep pool to chose from) Carry On Columbus becomes our first foray into the Carry On franchise. I think we can all agree; it's funnier than ACTUAL Columbus.

We've entered into this in a very unconventional way. We imagine most viewers of the Carry On franchise have a few of their higher quality films under their belt before watching this - which is obviously going to be inferior. So likely, in those viewing specifications will lead many to absolutely loathe this movie. We don't fall into that camp. This ONLY made us to want to watch even more Carry On. Because if this is the worst, well the others have gotta be pretty good.

Sure, it's corny. Sure, it's got some groaners. But there's some generally funny jokes in this. I'd say we laughed out loud about 10 times, which is pretty damn solid. Consider such ducks that we crap out in the US, looking at you Tom Green and Eddie Murphy. When it comes to bad comedy we hold the world crown here in the US. Britain, you need to start making much crappier films before you can start thinking Carry On Columbus is true garbage.

Don't expect Caddyshack. Don't even expect Caddyshack II. But this is FAR from Pluto Nash. Despite it's gawdawful reputation we still think this is a good time and worth a watch - start with this one. You'll only want more Carry On.

When you gotta remake a Jaws movie, make sure to remake Jaws II, cause you really can't screw it up and here's exhibit A. Expect many exploding dummies, strange sequences and terrible models.

In grand 70s/80s Italian film tradition, we've got a direct ripoff of both Quint from Jaws and the plot of Jaws II. In further grand tradition, we've got terrible voice-over, ridiculous action sequences, inept heroes, questionable film ethics, and nonsensical characters. But what really makes The Last Shark shine is the little things.

From the start with a very laboring windsurfer, to DJ Exposition, to the daughter's strange habit of falling out of boats, and her mom's absolute lack of care the movie features little non-plot vignettes that leave the viewer thinking about them more than they think about how awful the shark looks - and the shark looks terrible.

Let's talk about the shark though (whom we've dubbed Ultimo) - he not only looks terrible but he's a very strange shark. It seems he has two primary "shark moves" - exploding people into the air and just putting his face up above the water as if to say "Hey look at me! I'm a damn shark!". He also employs traps and uses bait. Pretty sure sharks don't do that. When it does come time for him to bite some people, he usually starts with the feet and has a habit of not finishing his dinners. Ultimo is the second best shark of all time (when it comes to being crappy) and is an absolute treat. All Jaws ripoffs should learn a thing from Ultimo.

It's not the best crappy shark movie, but it's still a really great ride and is perfect for a group of riffers.

In a formula that you've seen one thousand times before, we get a themed slasher around a date, a plethora of red herrings and a telegraphed and an obvious murderer that makes for a fairly mundane time.

The first thing one will notice about Graduation Day is the decision to base the killings all around high school sports - while knowing absolutely nothing about high school sports. The second thing one will notice is who the killer is, within minutes of the movie starting. The third thing one will notice is the gibberish "teen" dialogue. Finally, you'll notice how unbelievably bad every piece of the film actually is.

While that all sounds pretty good, Graduation Day suffers from 1/2 of the scenes being completely plot irrelevant and scattered with various characters getting put on screen that never return, have no connection to the story, and even their scenes could be just placed in any other film and fit better. This makes for a fair amount of tedium.

It's not that it's not a fun time, it's just that it's an "ok" watch and falls into a pile of slasher films that you could randomly pick from and still have the same level of fun with. It's just too much of relying on the usual slasher formula that can't make it stand out.

The "Two who are as one" go on a wacky adventure with some very questionable themes all to end up at a ritual that doesn't make a bit of sense with unclear intentions. Buckle up folks, this is one of the best bad movies ever.

I don't know what more you could want in a bad movie. There's not a single thing in this film that is done well, yet there's also not a single scene that isn't pure joy to watch. Most bad movies fail in a least a couple scenes for the viewer yet the true masterpieces (Troll 2, America 3000, etc..) are an absolute treat from credits to credits. Sorceress belongs on every top 10 list of so bad it's good.

The truly unique thing about Sorceress is how far pass the socially acceptable line it goes. These are things I'm not comfortable writing in a movie review that gets passed to various websites but many of things that happen on screen are illegal in every country in the world. They are THAT bad. And it's all delivered to be comedic and it's icky.

The acting is terrible, the plot doesn't make any sense, the action is bonkers, the special effects are the worst ever, and at no point is the viewer ever bored. It's pure stinker magic and belongs in the Hall of Fame.

Rudy Ray Moore dons the person of Dolemite who may or may not be a pimp, but is definitely awful at karate. In one of the most unique bad movies we've ever reviewed, Dolemite is unforgettable.

The major thing that is unique is that at least 90% of the cast is completely stoned. No one is drunk. Which is strange in a strange way. Why are bad movies usually filmed with drunk people but very rarely filled with everyone that is absolutely blazed. It makes for a very unique take in a bad movie.

Secondly, is the "masterful" martial arts skill of Rudy Ray. If you've seen Dolemite is my Name, you'll remember Eddie Murphy throwing some pretty terrible knees at guys. He wasn't over-acting. Rudy's skill may come from being high as well. I sure don't like violence or moving when I'm high.

Beside, Rudy's amazing performance - You've also got one of the dumbest and poorest executed plots. Let's see if I can break it down - Dolemite is doing a life sentence for some stolen furs and about $200k worth of coke. The warden puts him back into the streets to take over the crime because Willie Green is just too much for the cops to handle. So then Dolemite goes and bangs a bunch of ladies for 45 minutes. Then throws a party that Willie Green shows up to and shoots up the place while Dolemite is changing his clothes for the 30th time in the movie - resulting in Willie getting a death tummy-ache. Then the movie goes on for about 20 more minutes and the mayor is the villain this whole time?

It's bonkers, terribly made, rarely accomplishes what it intends and is absolutely intoxicating. It's a must-watch.

A cat walks off the ramp of his spaceship and hijinx ensue. Hope you like hijinx. Because we don't and we didn't.

If you are 8 years old, we'd love to hear from you if you enjoy this movie. If you're not, even if you were at one point, and you like this movie, we don't want to hear from you. We worry about your mental health and we can't help you. Please see a health professional immediately.

Tedious would be an understatement. Groan-inducing would be an understatement. Frustrating would be an understatement. In fairness, cruel to animals is an accurate statement.

Everything goes on for far too long. From the exposition, the character relationship building, to the goofball comedy, to the stunts, the list of things that are too long is too long.

You want all the characters to just stop what they're doing and leave the set and just have the cat solve its own problems, which would have done so in much more effective manners. It's a joyless, frustrating experience that leaves you wanting to punt the streaming device into the bin. Avoid The Cat from Outer Space at all costs, unless you are conducting MK Ultra style torture studies.

WWIII is averted by sending two men to do single combat - one who just got beat up and another who is one mean gardener. It's about as dumb of a movie as ever been created and now we gift it to you.

While The Final Sanction has some flash in the pan moments that have similarities to the masterpiece Deadly Prey it's a film that suffers from being dreadfully slow. Everything takes way too long - think Birdemic. Sadly, it misses its chance to be an instant stinker classic (because it's so stupid) and falls into the it's just ok category.

It also needs disclaimed that if you want to have any clue what's going on, then you'd best be able to speak William Smith, who delivers most of the exposition in a horrendous Russian accent stacked ontop his usual gravel voice. So expect to have no idea what is happening. Eventually, you'll piece things together and realize how unbelievably unthoughtout this plot is.

While it's a bit of a chore in places (due to the pacing), this is still a do if you've never seen it. It's absolutely one of the dumbest movie we've reviewed. Put some usual Ted Prior business, Z'Dar's chin, freezeframe credits, and assorted nonsense along the way and it's still a David A. Prior movie. Enjoy with riffers!

If you follow the podcast, this movie might seem a little familiar to you as its absolutely the same movie as Firecracker. The primary difference? A Playboy Playmate who has absolutely no business doing karate.

You'll probably realize very quickly upon view is that this might be the worst kung fu you've ever seen. It has to be. There can't be worse. Jeannie Bell is mind-boggling. She moves like a wet towel. And she's not alone. Filipino comedian, Chiquito (whom I guess is worthy of a singular name?) is in a race to be declared worst. It's really up for debate who is less athletic. If you can find us a movie with worse martial arts in it, we'd love to see it.

While Jeannie Bell's athleticism is abhorrable it's absolutely a blast to watch. Buckle up for some belly laughs but also expect her to do a very bad job of replicating Pam Grier, all while looking super hot. Without Bell, this movie goes in the bin. She's a bad movie star, baby! Sadly, her career didn't work out for us.

And yes, it's exactly the same movie as Firecracker and Angelfist. But really, this is worthy of a view in it's own right. There's enough difference to make it palatable and showing up just for the terrible martial arts is enough right there. It's a do from us.

Three precocious scamps team-up on a journey across the Western US to get little Jimmy, a misdiagnosed kid with a heart of gold, to the ultimate video-game tournament, Video Game Armageddon. Plus Christian Slater and Beau Bridges share a hotel room. Is this movie TOO sexy?

The Wizard falls into our "bad movie debunked" category of films - wherein the film has been raked over the coals by critics yet, we can't understand why. Sure it's got some sub-par technical work with some over-exposed shots, mediocre compositions and spotty focus. Sure it's clear that someone did a bad job with the editing scissors and sure it's likely that person with the scissors did the best they could because they shot 2.5 hours worth for a damn kids movie. But really those quibbles pale next to the content.

We love movies that have kid's on a cross-America road-trip adventure, all while growing up a little along the way and this manages to execute those items pretty damn well. The group of three are a lot of fun to watch, there's solid chemistry between Freddy Savage, Jenny Lewis and Luke Edwards. Most of the time, films like these have groan-inducing scenes with the kids, trying to placate the kids watching at home, but this never suffers from any "men in ties interpreting what kids think is funny" happening.

Lastly, this film ends with the ol pulling on the heartstrings trick and again, usually this type of movie fails horrendously at that moment. What The Wizard does best is have you follow these kids across the West only to fall in-love with them at the last scene. It also doesn't shy away from the problems that kids (and really adults) suffer from and instead makes them part of the characters in a way that draws the viewer even closer to them.

While it's got its issues, The Wizard is way-underrated and is truly one of the best kids movies to come out of the 80's. We would love to see a return to this approach in cinema - flawed kids having grand adventures.

Race car (and man of assorted skills) Blaine Striker invades the tiny island of Santa Heron to team up with the local PhD candidates to take down a very drunk Oliver Reed's nasty plan to repeat the Cuban Missile Crisis. Shenanigans ensue....

Rage to Kill is about as VHS 80's icon as you can imagine. It's the perfect film to have gone into your local tape rental store (the good ol days), go to the action section, judge movies only by the box the tape comes in and keep your fingers crossed that you didn't get a snoozefest. What you instead get here is a bonkers plot, drunk actors, sexy coeds with guns, Russian missiles and many explosions that don't line up.

Oliver Reed wins the award for the drunkest we've ever seen him on screen, beating out the Oliver Reed we saw Hired to Kill. It's wonderfully unprofessional but from the start to finish his lack of couth is a spectacle. At one point he's in a hot tub with some topless ladies and we aren't really sure if it's actually in the script or if they just filmed it and slapped it in the film.

The plot is nanners, doesn't make any sense, never manages to get on beat and usually just involves getting college kids and villagers murdered by militants. It all centers around a guy who has no reason to be action guy and is only on the island because his mom was worried about his little brother. I guess you'd end up with a bunch dead coeds and villagers if you put Blaine Striker in charge.

Rage to Kill boils down to a solid late night action film for you and a few riffers. We give it 3 "do's" and hope you enjoy it as much as we did.

Truck is coming for justice and vengeance (if that's possible). He's got a big hand cannon. He's got big shoes. And he ain't taking no crap from no back-talking pimps. So grab your ass, and prepare for the most badass movie we've reviewed.

Truck Turner is super-badass. From the soundtrack to the clothes to the dialogue to the plot to Yaffett Cotto to the cinematography it's got it. It comes in buckets and waves of badass. It's dialed to 11.5. It's a 90 minute quarantine with only one partner - badassness. This movie is badass.

Spending the whole movie being covered in cat pee, our hero is a pretty big piece of crap. He's an awful boyfriend. He's not a good bounty hunter. Everyone around him dies and he's broke as hell. Yet, Truck and his partner Jerry are eye-candy from the very opening scene. It's not that you want to hang out with these guys (because they smell of cat piss and you'll likely get shot if you do) but you do want to be a voyeur into their daily life. They are just an absolute blast from the beginning.

Then there is the parade of pimps. From Gator, to eye-patch guy, to Yaffet Cotto's Harvard Blue and most especially Nichelle Nichol's Diranda. The cadre of villains that hunt the bounty hunter play like Spider-Man's Rogues Gallery and share some interesting similarities with them in a weird way. 

Lastly, the cinematography is probably some of the most under-rated in film. There's some chances taken here that all end up paying off in spades. Keep your eye out for the great shots that are iconic for the genre.

Some little dudes who clearly aren't actual Ghoulies warp into our dimension again to do...something... All while the guy from the first Ghoulies is still dealing with his demon summoning past and his obvious hot-chick magnetism, despite now being one tough cop.

So the first thing that should be noted is that there are no ghoulies appear in this film. We're told that there is ghoulies but these are clearly not ghoulies. And there's only two of them. And there doing very not ghoulie things. We think they likely were not warped in from Purgatory but from Nilbog.

While being a Jim Wynorski film, this is chock-full of Jim's lady friends and if you know Jim you'll know what we mean here (with the exception of Michelle Bauer) yet somehow they all manage to keep their clothes on somehow. Is this a kid's movie? Oh hell no! Then what is the deal here, Jim? Its not that we need the gratuity (ok maybe we do) it's just a weird thing you've made here, James.

While there is a distinct difference in tone with the rest of Ghoulies film, its not deserved of the low ratings that the Ghoulies fanboys have given it. It's just a Jim Wynorski film and in that purview it fits in perfectly. Sure, it's different from the others but it's still a good time. It's not great but definitely not worthy of the 2.8 it currently enjoys on IMDB.

Go ahead and give this a spin and enjoy a good riffer. It won't make your hall of fame but it's good for a Sunday.

CORONASODE!!! #1 - In which Justin mistakenly brings up The Watchmen when Jackie is absolutely drunk. Oops. We discuss the toilet paper shortage and weightlifter grunts. Plus reviews of Bombshell, Tiger King, Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, Knives Out and the gym speakeasy.

Our coronasode episodes are only for listeners who are very familiar with the show. There isn't any talk about bad movies, so please if you're new, download a few of our other episodes before starting here.

A tournament to the death turns into a strange drug heist eliminate the middle-man plot, all to the backdrop of a chesty-karate lady falling for the man who murdered her sister, one Darby Hinton.

Firecracker is as good as bonkers Philippines movie as they come. None of it lines up but it's all non-stop entertaining. We should start by paying homage to the musical score. Without the score, this may be an entirely a different monster and possibly draggy in stops - although it should also be noted that the score was straight stolen from another New World Pictures project.

Lead lady, Jillian Kesner, is quite the buxom action lady - when she's actually on-screen. Most of the action is handled by a poorly wigged man in a lady's jumpsuit, thus delivering a bevvy of laughs every time she's doing action. She's clearly not there for her karate, she's there to run down a hallway in underwear and heels. And we're very ok with that.

The plot is absolutely bonkers and best if viewed fresh, but if you can explain to us how the "boss" made it to kingpin level with his criminal skills, you've got to share it with us. This is completely the idiot-plot and thus makes it a lot of fun.

We all loved it and definitely is a must watch for anyone that loves crappy karate movies.

Clint Howard delivers ice cream and one liners as a murderous Schwann's delivery guy. Is he the Pied Piper or just every other ice cream man? With top cops, Jan Michael Vincent and Lee Majors II on his case, how can he possibly get caught?

While we're not entirely sure what this movie is, we can tell you one thing - it's a lot of fun. It doesn't rise to the so bad it's good level that Troll 2 does, but that's likely to Clint Howard being too talented - but it definitely falls into that same category and tone. The two would make a great double feature. 

When the push-pops hit the fan about 2/3 of the way through - hold on to your seats. Some of the weirdest gore scenes ever captured are here in this film. I won't reveal any highlights but expect lots of wildness with severed heads.

Jan Michael Vincent - wow. He's clearly drunk throughout the whole movie. Scenes cut just as he's about to deliver his lines as all I can guess is that he's about to barf instead. His big scene is a juxtaposition between him shambling through an insane asylum vs his partner, Lee Majors II, doing "action" in the same scenario. It's one of the greatest scenes in bad movies on how awful it is. Imagine Hobbs and Shaw but The Rock is drunk and Jason Statham is trying to show up his dad. It's wonderful.

Ice Cream Man is an absolutely great time, belongs in any bad horror movie discussion and is a much watch from all three of us. Do it.

The hottest awards for bad films in 2019 are here and the winners are all set. Listen to the 2019 SMABFA Podcast and check out all the nominees and winners below.

And the Nominees  & Winners are (winner in bold):

Best Bad Movie - The Most Enjoyable Bad Movie

• Serenity
• Hobbs and Shaw
• Angel has Fallen
• Rambo: Last Blood
• Cats
• Hellboy
• Xmen: Dark Phoenix

Fan Poll Results - Hobbs and Shaw

Worst Bad Movie - The Least Enjoyable Bad Movie

• Serenity
• Cats
• Pet Semetary
• Hellboy
• MiB: International
• Ad Astra
• Xmen: Dark Phoenix
• Godzilla: King of the Monsters

Fan Poll Result - Cats

Best Bad Actor - Most Enjoyable Performance by a Male Actor

• Sylvester Stallone - Rambo: Last Blood
• Nick Nolte - Angel has Fallen
• Matthew McConaughey - Serenity
• Sir Ian McKellan - Cats
• Kevin Hart - Hobbs and Shaw
• Gerard Butler - Angel has Fallen
• Idris Elba - Cats
• Jason Clarke - Serenity

Fan Poll Result - Kevin Hart - Hobbs and Shaw

Best Bad Actress - Most Enjoyable Performance by a Female Actor

• Anne Hathaway - Serenity
• Vanessa Kirby - Hobbs and Shaw
• Francesca Hayward - Cats
• Jete Laurence - Pet Sematary
• Milla Jovovich - Hellboy
• Taylor Swift - Cats
• Rebel Wilson - Cats
• Dame Judi Dench - Cats
• Dame Helen Mirren - Hobbs and Shaw

Fan Poll Result - Jete Laurence - Pet Semetary

MST3K Most Riffable - The easiest and most fun to make fun of film while viewing

• Cats
• Xmen: Dark Phoenix
• Rambo: Last Blood
• Angel has Fallen
• Hellboy
• Godzilla: King of the Monsters
• Hobbs and Shaw
• Serenity

Fan Poll Result - Cats

Worst Bad Actor - Least Enjoyable Performance by a Male Actor

• Jason Clarke - Serenity
• Jason Clarke - Pet Semetary
• Liam Neesons - MiB: International
• Idris Elba - Hobbs and Shaw
• Tommy Lee Jones - Ad Astra
• Donald Sutherland - Ad Astra
• Nicolas Hoult - Xmen Dark Phoenix
• Matthew McConaughey - Serenity
• Idris Elba - Cats
• Laurie Davidsons - Cats
• James Corden - Cats

Fan Poll Result - Jason Clarke - Pet Semetary

Worst Bad Actress - Least Enjoyable Performance by a Female Actor

• Sophie Turner - Xmen Dark Phoenix
• Dame Judi Dence - Cats
• Jennifer Hudson - Cats
• Rebel Wilson - Cats
• Vera Farmiga - Godzilla: King of the Monsters
• Emma Thompson - MiB: International
• Jada Pinkett Smith - Angel has Fallen
• Anne Hathaway - Serenity

Fan Poll Result - Jennifer Hudson - Cats

Nothing says box office magic like a contractually-obligated lead with zero acting experience teams up for a teen sex-romp with no teens or sex with 50-something moms as the target market.

Surprisingly, 2 of 3 Stinker Madness hosts say this is a do. They say that its just so bad that it comes back around to being watchable and a must-see for bad movie fans. They say that there's enough bad dancing, terrible costumes, horrendous songs, and enough hovercraft deaths to keep one engaged. They say..well who cares what they say - they aren't writing this crap.

This movie is unviewable. If you happen to have a soul left, like this 1 of 3 Stinker Madness host still does, then while viewing this you may have some unintended health consequences, such as heads put through walls, eyeball clawing, execution of anvil-based booby traps, taking over Gotham after giving an interview to Robert Deniro and/or then giving a very strange speech that everyone seems to think they should be praising.

The characters are reprehensible. There's plenty of "boys will be boys". There's bitch friends and douche friends and friends that ruin people's lives due to their privilege. There's nerd-shaming and internet dating mocking. There's "I'll love him no matter how badly he treats me". There's assault that's instantly forgiven and on and on the list of abhorrent behavior that is forgiven because there's a song immediately afterward goes on and on and on.

The script is drivel. The songs are gadawful. And I think I'm over how silly hovercraft(s) are. Maybe I'm broken inside more than I thought. Either way, don't watch this unless you are a masochist or are touring the bottom 100. This belongs there for sure.

Chaz is back and with the help of Michael Biehn and Billy Paxton, sends seven guys in to blow up some moderately dangerous weapons, comes back with only four guys and commits ineptitude and crimes against humanity along the way. Recruitment has never been so good, right?

Wow, is Navy Seals a terrible representation of America's top elite fighting force. I mean, if this is how things really are, help us all because bad things are going to happen around the world. Nothing here makes the viewer say to themselves, "Hey, those guys are doing a good job. I should join up." Now, all our libtard "war is bad" attitude aside, these guys are completely inept. They take the hardest route to do the most mundane of tasks and end up getting most of them killed with each step.

Then there's Charlie Sheen's character. Sure, he's a loose cannon which we're all familiar with but where Martin Riggs is nuts, Lt. Dale Hawkins is nuts AND a complete joke and insult to our men in uniform. There's gotta be someone up the chain that says "Yeah sure he's got great hair, but he literally keeps shooting his teammates in the back, so....pass." I mean we have things called court martialing and discharges for a reason.

Next to that all, this movie likely has one of the worst soundtracks ever made. Even if you're into butt-rock, you'll likely be missing earplugs when such great songs like Bon Jovi's cover of The Boys are Back in Town and two (2!) songs by Mr. Big. Yikes.

While it's a pretty solid time with lots of ludacricity there's just too much dicking off for my tastes and Chaz thinking that he's still in Platoon. Good if you've never seen it but on revisit its just too draggy.

A couple trash-cans team-up to assist in the destruction of many soulless husks all on a mission that is never stated all so the villain can become Dante and rule all of hell from inside of a Cylon.

While that sounds absolutely nutty, we hope that you're able to get to any of those points because this movie's primary problem is...zzz...zzz. Oh I'm sorry, just thinking about this film put me to sleep like warm milk. It's painfully boring. Once you get past the excellent model work (that doesn't have enough shots), the spectacular theme by John Barry (which you're done with after the first 3 times you hear it) and Robert Forster just being Robert Forster (a damn pro), you're left with endless exposition, painful banter between the robots, a completely up-his-own-ass villain just for the sake of it and tedium. Endless tedium.

However, the last 15 minutes of the film are absolutely bonkers. We got very little clue here guys about what the actually hell happened once the (of course) everyone goes into the black hole. For some wild reason, Disney decided to cram some Dante's Inferno and conceptual imagery of heaven (we think) and have absolutely no idea why. If someone could help us out in the WHY, not the what, we'd be thankful.

Besides the bore factor, the film breaks its own rules constantly, the whole thing is the idiot-plot (whole plot could have been avoided had just one character not been an idiot), and the acting (aside from Forster and he's just doing what he can with what he's got to work with) is atrociously over-the-top. Which would all be fine and enjoyable if you'd managed to stay awake. Skip this one.

Charlie Sheen puts on his tough guy face and then realizes he still has that Charlie Sheen face, so he runs with it. Here Topper Harley gets a little too close to the edge, in much hilarious fashion.

So the film's plot (while LOOSELY based off the real life Dan Black) is a pretty conventional "cop goes undercover and almost goes over the point of no return" but the manner in which its delivered makes for a pretty solid LOL time while adding in a lot of room for riffing. There's this juxtaposition between going dark and goofball humor that completely conflict with each other, making a weird tone to the entire experience. 

This is all just backdrop for Chaz. Wow, what a terrible cast. Here's the thing. Everyone up until about 1995 saw Platoon and said, "I can do that. I just need to cast the weakest part of that movie." So this is just more of that, but it's hilarious. He's so bumbling in his lines and when he finally goes too close to edge and freaks out its about as good as you or I could do and we stink at acting, friend.

Next to his performance is the cast of characters surrounding Dan. Everyone's a little too nutty/inept to have made it to where they are in life. His love interest should be named Red Flag, his best friend tries to kill him for education, his nemesis is a kingpin of the drug industry and spends his free time robbing convenience stores for some Whatchamacallits and lives in a trailer and his government handler will let you spit in his face so meet the FBI Director. It's great!

Thus making it not stinker gold but 100% a good Sunday recommendation from us.

Once upon a time in Hollywood, we made movies around soundtracks and the movie took a second place in effort. At the height of that craze, we were left with this malarkey and the legend of Chris O'Donnell was born.

Let's get this out of the way; we've come a long way since swashbuckling was big and there's good reason. It stinks. Think of watching Henry Cavill mess a bunch of guys up in an alley during the first season of The Witcher. It's badass. Swashbuckling is not. "Yes, but the kiddies can't exactly watch The Witcher split a man's head in half with a silver sword, now can they? Oh wise podcast critic! Haha!" Charlie Sheen might say. Ok, well then think of Viggo Mortensen fighting orcs at the Battle of Helm's Deep, you winning bastard! Swash-buckling is a complete waste of time.

Yet this movie is soooo full of it. There's very little else going on here that doesn't involve either poorly timed jokes and proper fencing footwork. And it's all lackluster. Sadly, on a revisit The Three Musketeers doesn't quite work. It's more of a tedious affair which tries to rely on the same jokes and sequences over and over. There's no movement - it's just a flat line that suddenly stops for the credits - which further enforces the film just being a vehicle to get to a terrible song to play during the credits.

This is a sad pass for me and a barely do from my other co-hosts. Enter at your own risk and only bring a group of quality riffers along with you.

It's bonkers-bad, sure. It's basically kitty version of Logan's Run, sure. It's got a cat-orgy scene, sure. It looks like crap, sure. But what the heck is the difference between this and the stage play? What did you people think was gonna happen here? Also Tay-Tay blows ass here.

Guys, it's just Cats. The stage play IS this bad. It's all crap. If you hate the movie and love the play, then put your head in a microwave if you can pull it out of your own ass. What did you want here? In fact, you should LOVE the movie because it's even MORE of the crap that you love from the play. Get the hell out of here.

Now for the rest of us, that weren't dropped as a baby. This is some real terrible film-making and likely an intentional tax loss. There's no way anyone that has ever worked a day before in the industry believed in this turd. That's not to say no one did a good job here. Francesa Hayward is absolutely brilliant but is strapped down (maybe in more ways than one) and surrounded by ineptitude so it's hard to notice what she's doing. You may also be distracted by her cat butt.

There I said it. I'll take the bullet here. Cats is intentionally hot sexy business. If it wasn't then why the hell are they marching a bunch of naked crotches out? Why is there a cat orgy? Why is Sir Ian Mckellan wearing clothes but Idris Elba is not? Same for Dame Judi and not Tay-Tay? This is hot furies business and I promise you someone is going to jail after being caught in the theater with a little too much alone time.

At the end of it all, should you check it out? Yes - but wait for streaming. It can be a great theater experience - it was for 2 of us but the last person had such a miserable time that it's just too risky for you. Save it and wait until it's free for you to access.

MERRY GARBAGE DAY! Eric Freeman earns his mark in the Stinker hall of fame in his eyebrow-tastic take on the Santa-obsessed killer maniac. If you can get past seeing SNDN 1 as well, you're in for a wild, holly-jolly horror film.

Let's be frank, there's not enough good crap in Silent Night, Deadly Night 2 to make it a cult hit on its own. It's the combination of the masterful Eric Freeman and Ricky's insane rampage that makes the rest of the film not matter and send it into many, many fan favorite "Christmas" cult classics. Eric's performance stands among titans and belongs among the elites of Tommy and Connie Young. It's beautiful.

If the entire movie had just been Ricky and Doc Henry locked in a room slinging their bonkers egos around for an hour and a half would have worked for us as well. Instead the first 40 minutes is mostly just a recap of the first movie, but told in such a poorly thought-out manner that it carries you through to when the Story of Ricky begins. Once that happens the rails completely come off and expect a Miami Connectionesque shift in tempo of the film.

Without a doubt, if we'd been given just the Story of Ricky for the entire length of the film, this would be a Hall of Fame worthy masterpiece. While we didn't get that Christmas wish Silent Night, Deadly Night 2 is an absolute blast and a total do for us. Enjoy your Garbage Day!

Boardroom Santa! Ever been really into the business of Santa? Have a passion for Operations Management? Got a degree in holly jolly marketing? Wear a tie with your pajamas? Well this movie is for you! Just not for anyone else.

For the rest of us Santa Claus: The Movie is about as interesting as a government made educational training video. Its just painfully boring. "Santa has a meeting with Jeff and Susie from accounting! Oh boy would I like to see that!" he said sarcastically. "The elves meet in the conference room for a call with the supply department! Wowee!!!!" he said while shoving his head in trash.

The antagonist (John Lithgow) seriously doesn't show up until the 60% completion mark which makes the first hour and fifteen minutes completely devoid of plot and then we he DOES show up it's a series of groan-inducing jokes and Santa being a mopey butthole because apparently he's the only one that can give toys to children for free.

Lastly, this film does an excellent job of showcasing what an awful person Santa (this version - not Santa in general you people about to accuse me of a war on Christmas) is. He is content to give starving children wooden toys instead of maybe food, or a home, or curing their diseases or stopping dictators from murdering their family or shoes even. Nope wooden toys is the only thing that children want - according to Santa. "Wait, they want things that aren't wooden toys?" Santa says at some point (paraphrasing). "But...but...then no one loves me! Boooo hooo hooo hoo" Ugh. You suck Santa.

Santa Claus: The Movie is only for people who care only for the pageantry of Christmas and not at all about the meaning of Christmas. It stinks!

Good ol' Terry Hogan becomes Santa the Vigilante and fights a group of scientists who want to demolish an orphanage and then proceeds to do all the demolishing for them. Good job, Santa!

Santa with Muscles is bottom 100 material yet it's surprisingly fun. However, I can't really tell you why. At no point is anything so bad that its good. The action is all kind of meh, the set pieces are all underdeveloped, the villains never really enter the realm of over-the-top hammy. It's ALL super stupid but there's just something kind of nice about the whole viewing experience. It's just a weird little piece of garbage that's a "do" but can't really be explained.

The one thing we can say about it that doesn't fail is that's actually a Christmas movie. Most of them that we deal with end up having no Christmas message and just take place during Christmas for the sake of selling DVDs. Santa with Muscles is CHOCK full of Christmas. Arguably it's the most full of Christmas of any movie we've reviewed.

Perhaps that's why it works. You can't really define what the true meaning of Christmas is but you know it when you see it. Much is the same here and so when you see it, you know you kind of liked it but can't really say why.

Happy 400th episode to us and we go big this week with a perfect Nonsensical November pick.

It's a truly baffling experience that is nearly impossible to dissect but does feature a bevvy of bonkers content from start to finish. Arguably, no other movie is so far from being grounded in reality that this is an absolute must-watch for fans of nonsensical plots.

With any mention of The Peanut Butter Solution, it can't be understated how bonkers the plot is. Essentially a child goes into a haunted house, gets so frightened that his hair comes out and then goes on a quest to get his hair to grow back. That all sounds fine and good for a Saturday afternoon made-for-tv kid's movie but this pile is SOOO much more than that. While it really can't be written here, the plot is absolutely unfathomable and is completely off the rails.

While the plot is bananas, it's not the only portion of this film that is nanners. The acting is at about 12 throughout by the lead, Michael (played by Mathew Mackay), his father (played by Michael Hogan from BSG fame) and the films "villain" Senor (Michel Maillot). Imagine Nic Cage at his Cageyest but without any of the talent. 

Tack on some unintelligible dialogue, a clash of good and bad production design, some horrendously bad directing advice ("Children love surrealism, right?"), Celine Dion and a possible crime-ring of children kidnappers to exploit the art industry and you've got a seriously excellent bad movie. Do not miss this movie.

Inside lives a truly great film that delves into commentary about what it means to be a leader, the sacrifices one must make for their people, that no one should be judged by their appearance, and that anyone can truly be great. Unfortunately, it's all thrown aside for the sake of groan-inducing hi-jinx and jingoism. Yay....

King Ralph is a debacle. It's a horrendous stain on film-making and for only one reason - the "comedy". Imagine a mash-up of The King's Speech and C.H.O.M.P.S. and then throw your popcorn into the toilet and replace it with burnt toast. That's your cinematic viewing experience here. It's atrociously annoying, horrendously offensive at points and trips over it's own wit to pickup a pratfall. Expect your living room to be as silent as all of England when they learned Hollywood planned to eliminate the entire Royal Family in effigy.

Despite all that, there does live a truly great film inside of King Ralph, it's just hard to see. The acting is spectacular (a monument should be erected in every city, town and village to Sir Peter O' Toole), Goodman is TRULY funny when he's allowed to be by the stifling hi-jinx, and the production design is top notch. Remnants of the source material (the more satirical elements, at least) still manage to come across and still hold weight. They are just mired down by all the gags to keep this thing from being "good".

It's still a do, but it's not a do in the classic sense of a bad movie. It's the "good" in this film that you'll want to watch it for. The "bad" is like sticking your head in the garbage can.

Rambo rides off into the sunset (or dies in a pool of blood) but takes many, many, many people down with him on the way. It's a bloody, sticky, mess that will fall into the either love-it or hate-it folly.

So let's get this out of the way first - Rambo: Last Blood looks like absolute crap. Whomever shot this should be sacked. Very few shots look even as good as most DTV films and each vehicle scene features completely unnecessary rear-projection. Why in the hell does this have to look so awful?

Secondly, it's biggest flaw for Rambo fans is a particular scene that, yes, sets up the plot but is SO far out of character and John's skills and how he's managed all of his strategies that is just so out of place and dumb that may ruin the next twenty minutes of the film for you.

However, if you can get past those two things, this thing is hot crap. At no point does John turn into "I'm getting too old for this" or even a Gran Turinoesque Clint Eastwood. John craves and thrives when there is trouble to be had and it doesn't matter how old he gets. There's some decent dialogue that reinforces how John looks at the world and then how he proceeds to end bad guy's lives. It's a blast. 

It should also be mentioned that Stallone is great here. He's just as action packed as he always has been. He doesn't look like doing this will cause him to spend a week covered in Ben-Gay and at no point does he seem to be a lover of Worther's Originals. When he punches a guy, it seems like it will hurt real bad or possibly cause his fist to enter your body in holes you didn't have before. 

So while it has a few issues, it's still a blast and if you come into a Rambo film expecting to see something else here, we're not sure what you're doing with your life. It's a do.

We all love babies right? Now what if we replaced babies with 6 year old kids with stunted growth and pasted their heads onto the bodies of little people? No? How about some CGI lip-syncing so they can talk? No? Ok, well how about stuffing a child actor into a bin of soiled undies? Yes, please.

So Baby Geniuses and it's followup are two of the lowest rated movies that have ever existed, despite the overwhelming amount of fake 10/10 reviews on IMDB, it still was a box-office smash. Why? Because people love babies! Babies can do no wrong! Even when they are covered in dookie, murdering bums, imitating John Travolta and keeping the secrets of life to themselves out of selfish dickery!

I'm not really sure if people who went to this for love of babies actually paid attention to what these awful children are actually up to.

On the other side of the coin, Kathleen Turner and Christopher Lloyd are evil because we're told their evil even though their actions and motivations are parallels of our "hero adults" Kim Cattrell and Peter MacNicol which only reveals more about these horrific little baby monsters.

While, we can't in good faith say that Baby Geniuses is a do for fans of crappy films, it's so close to being one of the greatest bad movies ever if only it could have stuck with babies doing karate and diving into dumpsters, but sadly tries to put the good-feelers into it's clearly moronic intended audience. Do or don't, what the hell do we care. Our souls have been eroded by dancing babies.

This week on the show we thoroughly review everything important this Halloween with regards to crummy movies. Special guest Tucker comes into the studio and delivers the laughs with his "beardy" style of humor.

We review - 

• Pumpkinhead (1988)
• The Gate (1987)
• C.H.U.D. (1984)
• Sometimes They Come Back (1991)
• The Lighthouse (2019)
• Satanic Panic (2019)
• Child's Play (2019)
• The Lodgers (2017)

We write up the reboot of Pumpkinhead; "Pumpkinhead Goes to Sturgess", we solve the homeless heating problems, Tucker bans walls, how to lose a pie-eating contest, washed-up pirate ships, and a special Halloween round of "Pop Quiz, Hotshot".

Sit back and enjoy our 2019 Spooktacular episode!

Freddy is back and this time he lulls us to sleep with whale song and LBGTQ social commentary! It begs the ultimate question - does Freddy actually appear in this movie?

Freddy 2 is an absolute bonkers experience and through-out is a complete and utter-turd. At no point does it make sense that it was a commercial success and likely should have destroyed the Freddy franchise (and thus would have prevented the LOTR trilogy from happening) but somehow was a massive win for New Line and kept the doors open for another ten years. I guess that really states to the allure of Mr. K.

Yet it can only exist in 1 of 2 ways, both of which have problems:

1) It's an allegory for the traumas/dangers of being a closeted homosexual in the homophobia of the 80s drummed up by Reagan's AIDS debacle.
2) It's all a dream from start to finish in which Freddy takes 90 minutes to murder one kid.

1 can't be it, because it then opens up a ton of plot holes with Freddy's powers and if he even exists in the movie or not. Was Jesse just using Freddy as a scape-goat for his "villanous" homosexual ways? He's just a copy-cat? But then how is it that he explodes a parakeet? Riddle me that, guys? Then on the other side, if Freddy IS possessing Jesse then how is it he's murdering teens when they're awake?

2 can't be it, because the producers and writers say that is not the case. If we can't trust the people who wrote it then who can we trust? The walls of reality are crumbling!

Maybe this film does break the rules of our universe and now we are all living in Freddy's nightmare? Either way, you should probably check out Freddy 2 and try to help us make some sense out of the damn thing.

So it turns out that Peter Frampton sucks - oh you knew that already? The Brothers Gibb surround themselves by people who can't sign and play as well as they do and let everyone else drag them into the depths of garbage. But Barry's hair looks amazing, at least.

Sgt Pepper's on it's face is a "do not do" movie before it even starts - you don't cover The Beatles unless you really are supremely talented, which The Bee Gees completely are, but the problem is that they allowed other people to be involved. You've got George Burns, Steve Martin, Alice Cooper, Peter Nicholas (yeah, who?), Donald Pleasance, Stargard and Frankie Howerd all covering Beatles tracks. Look, only a few people get to do that and none of you are qualified. Stop it! Stop IT!

And leading the "not-good-at-stuff" is the constant O-faced, Peter Frampton. He is the absolute worst. Consistently off-key and when "on" his face is off. His "acting" (he doesn't utter a single line of dialogue) is about as good as his mouth guitar.

As a whole, Sgt. Pepper's is a complete disaster and nothing works within it's pieces. Yet it doesn't have any of the yummy crummy goodness like The Apple, Breakin 2 or Can't Stop the Music. It has its occasional moments but you have to look at Peter Frampton to get to those points so its not really a fair trade-off.

Christopher Lambert dons the worst hair we've ever seen and leads an uprising against the Romans only to ultimately accomplishing nothing and dies off screen. There's nothing good about this film.

Zzzz....Oh I'm sorry. You caught me napping after watching Druids. What did I miss? Oh, nothing. Absolutely nothing? Ok. I'll move on to something else.

Seriously, this movie sucks. Even for fans of Lambert's nonsense. Nothing happens. It's such a crappy Braveheart knock-off but fails in that it the world has not changed at the end of the movie. He doesn't even give the Romans that much grief. It's about as much grief as buying a $30 worth of lottery scratch tickets and finding 10 of them that are worth $1. Whoa the grievance...

Oh yeah - where the hell are the damn druids?!?! 

Seriously, don't spend a second of your time watching Druids. Go plant a flower. Eat a sandwich. Read a book about Gaul. Do ANYTHING but watch Druids.

Patrick Swayze says Dalton was a weiner and gifts us the pyschopathic, blood-lusting, and man of the road - Jack Cruise. Along the way Meatloaf delivers his best, but still manages to get Asahi Guy murdered and bankrupts his own villainy scheme before it gets started.

Lets just get this out of the way - Black Dog is fantastic and is one of the few shining examples of perfectly bad in every way. Every bit of it is inept from the music, the casting, the script, the acting, the directing and the editing and has the "it" factor on all those elements for bad movie fans. It's a glorious seam-less mess that you couldn't set out to do such a bad job and have it work so well together. It's stunningly perfect and beautiful and a complete train-wreck.

My next paragraph would like to be - "The best part of Black Dog is..." but I seriously can't say that. As soon as I think of something, say Meatloaf's character Red's seriously flawed villainy scheme (stealing his own stuff, make deal for stuff, rinse, repeat - never make any money) is instantly thrust into competition against say Asahi Guy's lack of steering or braking in the face of impending spolsion death or Jack Cruise showing his family how murder is just a darn good family activity or the wonderfully terrible ATF and FBI agent dynamics. There's no "best part" of this movie because it's ALL best part.

So stop what you're doing, fire this thing up whether alone or with friends (you'll just end up watching it again anyways), try not to fall off the couch with laughter and enjoyment and most importantly - do NOT be like Jack Cruise - I prefer breathing, thank you.

Shabadoo, Boogaloo Shrimp and a cast of break dancers team-up with Golan and Globus, pump out a movie in a handful of months and leave us with one of the most important and culturally infamous bad movies of all time. Hope you like break-dancing!

Let's face it - this movie stinks and rules. There's so little happening but no one notices because it's masked by CONSTANT break dancing. It's wall-to-wall. There might be more more dance/musical numbers in this than Caberet and Chicago and Grease combined. Now that might scare off the casual bad-movie goer who is here for movies staring shirtless men with guns, but don't be afraid - this thing is electric dog-poo on fire.

It's really something of a special deal when a movie crams this much non-diegetic, metaphorical story-telling using dance as the device and still manages to contain as much mind-boggling nonsense within those dance sequences. For most of us, we just check out during dance numbers as they are just a showcasing of people's abilities to move their butt around, but this is not that. There's a constant tone of bonkers throughout these numbers and must be watched; especially the surrounding extras.

The acting is hilarious, with two non-leads stealing every scene. The actors who played Lucia and Rhonda were both so bad that they had to be over-dubbed and the dub is absolutely laughable. Try not to fall out of your chair when Lucia helps Turbo bust out of the hospital.

It's an absolute spectacle of ineptitude, all while still being the most competent film Golan and Globus ever put together - and they did it in less than six months.

Breakin 2': Electric Boogaloo is an absolute must do for its historical importance but beyond that - it's just a damn good time.

The biggest flop in Hollywood history visits the podcast, eats all our food, backups the sewer system and kidnaps our children and then quietly makes us forget that any of it ever happened. Will it be worse than The Love Guru?

Nope.

The weird thing about Pluto Nash is that is just nothing. It doesn't make you angry. The jokes aren't groan-worthy. The plot doesn't cause your eyes to roll so hard they pop out. It's just a bunch of nothing. There may not be another movie that has ever made us feel so dispassionate towards it. We just don't care about it - not even enough to hate.

Which is likely it's fatal flaw. Don't get us wrong, it's a turd sandwich. But does it belong in the same discussion as other bottom 100 movies? If you gave a Ted Talk about the worst movies of all time, you'd be a jackass because Ted Talks are super narcissistic but you'd also spend zero time talking about the biggest flop in Hollywood history.

"Pluto Nash? Oh yes of course, but lets move on to House of the Dead."

So just don't bother with The Adventures of Pluto Nash. No one else has.

Banning comes back once again to save the President once again from an assassination attempt where not everything is not as it seems once again. It's the number one movie in America, but is it enough to keep the Banning franchise alive?

Make no mistake, Banning 3's plot statement above is the same as the other two but this film is a departure from the other two. Where the other two are a thin plot stuff around ludicrous action scenes and Banning eating the flesh of his enemies, this one mostly has Banning on the defensive and reacting to the violence around him instead of reveling in it. And while the villain is a complete moron (we'll get to that later) there's nothing really stupid that takes place in Banning's world. Let's put it this way - if there were no Banning 1 and 2, Banning 3 wouldn't be on the podcast. It's just a solid (if forgettable) action movie.

Now the villain, played by Danny Huston, keeps this inside the realm of the idiot plot from the bad guys standpoint. Banning of course, doesn't apply to the idiot plot because all he does is kill bad guys so it's not FULL idiot plot. However, wow. This company that Danny Huston's character runs has no chance of ever avoiding subpoena's and Congressional investigations. Like the day their file their incorporation, the company is all sent to Gitmo - because evil and COMPLETELY bad at being a bad guy is a dangerous combo.

It is clear that Gerald Butler has lost a step (he broke his neck in the last one and then got in a motorcycle crash right before this one) and some people might be a little disappointed in that (see Sam) but he's still charming, fun and kick-ass Banning - just a different, less psychopathic version of himself. Yet the real star of the show is Nick Nolte who plays Old Man Banning and is an absolute treat. Usually 2x of your fave action guy sucks, but 2x Banning is wonderful. Nolte completely steals the show and gives arguably the best performance that's ever been in a Banning movie.

For you? Maybe. If you don't love Banning by now, this one isn't going to bring you in to the warm, loving, fun and just darn good people community you sick, soulless bastard. But if you're like the rest of us, it just depends on if you like a "better" Banning movie, but less fun that the others. I for one, loved it and hope that this isn't the last time we see Mike Banning.

The bald bros are back minus the biggest bald bro, so the bald bro stock is down! The 2/3 of the bald bros are forced to team-up to stop Thanos from killing everyone while learning about super-powered villains, love and friendship and forget about family, Vin Diesel and cars.

While there is a myriad of problems with Universal's fingers in their big franchise (of which there is many fingers) the team behind the action do a great job. This film is shot well, very well choreographed, has some genuinely funny cameos (that normally would have sucked ass), and some great film-making contrasting the two leads.

That's where the good stops.

The rest is a hot mess. The plot is absolutely stupid. The villains clearly have no clue on what there doing and just making one different movie negates the entire movie and gives them everything they want. The Idiot Plot has appeared again.

The movie looses focus on what its trying to achieve a third of the way through. It tries to shift away from the Torreto side of the F&F for about 30 minutes and then just clones it again (poorly). There's something that we can't put our finger on why it works in the "Family" side of the franchise but it doesn't work here, other than clearly lazy writing and really stupid villains.

At the end of the day, the biggest problem is a scary prospect for the future of franchises - the MCUing of Hollywood. Make no mistake - this isn't a Fast & Furious film, it's a Marvel movie with the F&F guys. Runtime, superpowers that aren't explained or needed, and even post-credit sequences make this an obvious attempt by the men in ties at Universal to cash in on those Disney zillions instead of doing what they do best - just make their own damn films. We are petrified that for the next 10 years every studio turns their blockbusters into just an crummy MCU film. Eek!

We're sad because Hollywood shouldn't be afraid of spin-offs but they can't just regurgitate the thing their spinning off and do it so poorly. It's not that its a crappy-bad movie, its just an ok-bad movie. You'll still have a good time but don't think this is going to give you any surprises. You'll likely forget about it the next day.

All of the truckers team up to drive down the road hauling goods and.... freedom? Let's try that again. A bunch of cops chase a bunch of truckers down the highway because of their flagrant....trucking? Ok, ok, ok. Got it - Truckers Truck!

Seriously the plot of Convoy is one of the most dubious we've ever reviewed. One might argue that about 20 minutes of the movie actually has a plot of outrunning the law who wants to kill a fellow trucker because of abuse of power and racism, but that plot lasts for only a brief period. Within minutes of that plot being put together, the film shifts into Forrest Gump running across the US with people joining him because they think he's got all the answers. At no point, does anyone have a clue why they've joined a mega-convoy of truckers and why anyone cares about them.

Sadly, while the plot is absolutely bonkers the fun stops there. In such a film that had the budget and comes hot off the heels of Smokey & The Bandit, there's pretty tame stunts and not enough of those to begin with. The "bandit" (Kris Kristopherson) isn't charming (he's just gross), action packed (he gets his butt kicked in the only fight) and lacks motivation throughout the film. He's just a guy who is driving down the road to a completely unestablished destination.

It's just kind of boring and lacking in anything that we love about trucking films. This is a don't from us.

Well hello, Mary Lou. So good of you to drop in and see me. Wait what are you doing??? Why do you have the powers of all the X-Men combined? Are you like an evil ghost Rogue? How do you work and what is your reason for existence???? Argghghgghghg.....gurgle, gurgle.

The above is a perfect summation of what each character should be asking the spooky-ghost or spooky-demon or spooky-ghost-demon that is Mary Lou, a 1950s prom queen who got burnt up like Freddy and lives in a suitcase for 30 years only to return and enact dubious revenge upon various 80s teenagers whom had nothing to do with her death. Why Mary Lou chooses to do anything she does is beyond us and where she got her spooky-powers is another problem. Lastly, we really can't even begin to decipher the ending in which Mary Lou gets (what the movie tries to tell us) everything she wants, only to pull a Jason and not be dead so that she can take a road-trip with the kiddies.

This movie fits in perfectly with any of the other nonsensical movies we've reviewed over the years (Dreamcatcher, The Wicker Man, 88 Minutes, Lady in the Water) in that the script is so disjointed from its various moving parts that what you end up with in the end is a series of events that conflict with other events and character actions, with a dollop of heavy weirdness here and there that makes for a not-remember-able horror movie but a fantastic riffing voyage that will leave all audience members scratching their heads for days. Add in some bad acting, some odd casting choices, some super cheesy horror effects and then mash it all up into Carrie 3: The Shining on Elm Street and you've got a recipe for bad movie theater.

Streaming Do's and Don'ts

• Serenity - Amazon Prime

Dolph disguises a buddy-cop movie as an terminator movie. Inside you'll learn that the most deadliest weapon in space are compact discs and all aliens have male-pattern-baldness.

Dark Angel AKA I Come in Peace is absolutely bananas. It's so full of action sequences, explosions, aliens chasing each other, one-liners, and a crazy plot where people's brains are drugs in space. It's riddled with buddy-cop cliches, the new partner that does this by the book, an ex-girlfriend that also works in the same circles, the chief that wants his badge, etc... all while giant alien guys are exploding everything in the city with mega-weapons. It's fantastic.

There's only so much early 90's nostalgia that you can cram into a movie and somehow this movie manages to blast through that barrier. It's not just the world's deadliest weapon (the compact disc), it's the music, the obligatory cops-at-a-strip-club-scene, it's the hair, the clothes, the cars, and the one-liners.

While some people would have made this a dark and grisly film, Craig R. Baxley makes this an absolute blast and falls into an instant classic for anyone who missed it when it came out. Watch this movie now!

Chuck Norris launches his career by kicking lots of people in the chest and calling in his truckin' buddies to run a town over - yes the entire town. It's about as weird movie as you can get and hilarious throughout. Come on back, big rigger!

Now you can probably guess how much trucking vs. karate there is in the film and how silly the the combo of the two working together looks on screen. So let's go past that and talk solely about the villainy. The plot revolves around this town that has gone off the deep-end and has essentially declared independence from the state of California. Fine. What their deepest flaw is that they have no idea how to be bad guys. Their evil plot is to hijack truckers, steal their tv dinners, eat the tv dinners, crush the $80,000 truck in a crusher, sell the metal for $200, make moonshine, dump the moonshine on the ground, drink Wild Turkey instead and operate their legal system in the same manner as The Spanish Inquisition. There's no way that a band of truckers are going to run your town over - nope, this plan is perfect!....they said as the FBI is swarming them and filling each citizen full of hot lead.

The action is nuts, the karate is hilarious, the van is BOSS, the truckin' lingo is coming at you constantly, the villain is the God-King version of Rosco P. Coltrane, there's tons of weird crap happening outside of the focus, and the ending is absolutely insane with a blend of Spaghetti-Western, truckin', and karate kicks. 

We absolutely love this movie and it's got about everything you want in a crummy action truckin' movie. Do not skip it!

The 80's eats far too much pixi-dust and barfs out the worst of it right into our faces. It's Pia Zedora showing off why a millionaire had to pay for her to act and Craig Scheffer giving poopy face for 90 minutes. If you want to make sure you've seen the worst musical, you can't miss this pile of no talent.

The deal with Voyage of the Rock Aliens is that it's a failed project before it even gets started. Originally it was supposed to be more like UHF instead it's more like Grease 2. You've got Pia Zedora attempting to launch her career by dancing like she's in a blender. On the opposite side of the obligatory love relationship is Craig Scheffer (yes Craig Scheffer from Nightbreed and A River Runs Through It) whose entire thing is to lip-sync over Jermaine Jackson and making poopy-face over and over and over and over again.

Believe it or not, the movie has a myriad of other terrible set pieces and acting. Each and every musical number (with the exception of the the Jermaine Jackson "When the Rain Begins to Fall" which wasn't supposed to be in the film) is absolutely atrocious as if you went to the mall and had the "Be in the Music Video" store produce your movie. The Rock Aliens are actually the band Rhema (mostly, the bass player wasn't screen-worthy apparently) who ALL have no business being on screen give us the majority of the musical numbers so I hope you like Devo knockoffs.

Add in a couple psychopath slashers, a tentacle monster, West Side Story knockoffs, bad costumes, future makeup, terrible robots, C.H.O.M.P.S. level comedy, Love Potion No. 8 devices and Ruth Gordon and you've got a recipe for disaster that boils over onto your stove, making a permanent stain on your psyche.

Be warned, this one's not for everyone and can be a little tough to get through. You may end up squirming in your chair in discomfort. But it's an absolute must if you want to know what the worst musical is, love crappy 80's videos, or love touring IMDB Bottom 100 worthy films.

Check out Eric's Double Loop podcast at https://soundcloud.com/double-loop-podcast

Dolph grabs onto a couple of nukes and uses them to turn his shirt into a sleeveless job. It's The Rock all over again with better acting, better stunts and better action sequences - and it still stinks. 

We won't dig too much into the plot here because it's legit just The Rock within a missile silo. What we want to talk about is the incredible amount of stinker staples delivered. There's no sploding chopper but there's pretty much everything else. Dolph's 1-liners and overflowing from his cup and they are all A+ cheesy goodness. The amount of stunts and the level of production put into these stunts while wrapped around a really close example of the idiot plot is astounding. The production design is a blend of surprising and terrible. The script is bonkers bad. There's a little here for everyone.

While it slows down for about 5 minutes in the middle, this is pretty hot from start to finish. It never makes sense and gives you plenty to riff on. This isn't just a great sunday movie, this could become a special groups favorite riff experience ever.

We highly recommend it. While not ever going to be in anyone's hall of fame, its just a solid POS that is loved by all.

The toughest of the tough guys teams up with a 15-28 year old kid to take down the entire Black Tiger gang using only every gun from the 80's and sweet guitar riffs. No one can touch this guy - mostly because he's covered in sweat and their hands just slip off.

When it comes to butt movies, Steele Justice is possibly the most butt. Imagine every 80's tough guy staple and you've got it here. Epic guitar riff score, training montages, sweaty chest hair, perms, headbands, pastel sweaters, cut-off sleeves, big guns, atrocious dialogue and just being generally butt to everyone around you. Martin Kove has got "it" if "it" is super-butt.

There is plenty of stuff for bad movie fans here. There's nary a scene that isn't perfect for riffing and when you're not making jokes Martin Kove's attire will pickup the rest of the comedy for you. There's nothing you haven't seen before here but the totality of it's stinker staples will give you plenty of enjoyment if you like super cheesy 80's action movies. It's not Commando, but it wants to be.

Perfect movie for a Sunday with a couple fellow riffers.

Streaming Do's and Don'ts

• Honor and Glory
• Sworn to Justice
• Shanghai Joe

Once again, the 80s/90s rom-com genre falls into that horrible disgusting trap of "if you think about this very much you'll want to wash your eyes out with soap" because very unforgivable things happen to the people around the main characters. Both of the people on the cover belong in jail.

There is a serious warning content-wise here but this needs to be said - Love Potion No. 9 is about 1 thing - rape. It steers very clear of the song where it turns the drinker into a raging boner, this love potion causes anyone of the opposite sex to become a mindless zombie and you can make them do whatever you want. So what do the leads do? Well Paul (Tate Donovan) rapes an entire sorority and Diane (Sandra Bullock) makes the Prince of England propose to her forever changing the landscape of the British Monarchy. Wow, what charming, awesome, quirky people? No! Both belong in prison. 

There's only one thing you should do with Love Potion No 8 (#9 isn't good but its not quite as villainous #8) - destroy it. That's the only thing a good person would do with it. It's the most dangerous single chemical that has ever existed in mankind's history and if you do ANYTHING with it but destroy it, you are taking a risk that someone else gets their hands on it. Imagine if the KGB had Love Potion No 8 or if Kim Jong Un (he's not our friend, MAGA) had this. The world would have literally days left before the whole thing is kaboom.

Aside from the nastiness of the mains, there's little else to come for here unless you're out for some nostalgia. There is one sequence involving a horny little chimpanzee that it is absolutely hilarious. But that's it. Anything else is a bit of a waste of time and likely will just want you to rethink every decision that has brought you to this moment in life.

Diggstown delivers the ultimate sleight-of-hand hustle to the viewer, by tricking everyone into thinking this is a great "con-job" movie. Look over here, guys and don't pay attention to the paper-thin plot and how the big con is just betting on unsanctioned boxing.

Let's just get this out of the way - this isn't a TERRIBLE movie, but it's pretty crummy stacked next to how good its telling us it is. The whole thing is a giant ruse. Maybe someone can take that as a sign of how well edited it is, but we can't. Our job is to breakdown stories and judge them and this story is ludicrously empty - it's borderline "idiot plot" except one of the requirements is that just ONE person has to show a sign of intelligence to prevent the whole movie - but even if there was one person who could show such intelligence wouldn't prevent anything BECAUSE NOTHING HAPPENS!

The plot is so thin it can be put to this: A retired professional boxer gets put into a bet to fight 10 men, one after the other.

Actually that sounds alright. Well what actually happens is that he only fights one boxer and 9 townies in an underground boxing ring where the rules sometimes matter and other times don't, fights 5 men in a row on separate days, to the backdrop of two guys betting on how much they can cheat each other. So the only plot is a guy beats up townies and his old boxing nemesis. There's no great con, guys. James Woods' Caine is NOT Danny Ocean or even Bret Maverick. He just cheats at boxing - the least noble thing one can do. He cheats at underground boxing, the most scummy and rookie crap a scumbag can do. 

Then the resolution - Diggstown is now owned by an foreign (Florida IS a different country) convict now, instead of a local. What a deal! Why does anyone still live in Diggstown?

Diggstown is for those that like to get tricked only. The people who think Last Boy Scout is a great movie. But for the rest of us, it's just too thin on plot and outside of that there's not enough popcorn-eating to work with.

The Breen goes down one of his strangest rabbit holes (which is saying a lot) yet when he plays an AI from the future who has to come to Earth and clean up mankind. Neil is starting to frighten us.

Pass Thru is what happens with a director's typical 4th movie. Neil spends far too much of the film "honing his craft" and using up precious film space so that he can practice how to use camera's. So unfortunately, Pass Thru isn't crammed full of nonsense; where Fateful Findings is 100% bananas, this is about 50%. So the viewer spends a lot of time staring at Breen looking stoic from various angles, which makes for a very boring journey.

The most frightening part of the film is where Neil is going mentally. I'm worried about his well-being. He might be going to a place that we can't follow. His anger is clearly boiling over and in this film endorses Thanos' "snap" but with less compassion. Yes, Neil Breen has less compassion than Thanos. 

So in the end, Pass Thru is a tough one to get through. There's quite a bit of traditional Breen banana business but for each fun moment there's two atrociously boring or bland sequences. It's a don't from us but for everyone that is a Breen fan.

When you cut in some psychedelia in the editing booth, your film isn't psychedelic, you just have a movie pile. Gas-s-s-s! misses the mark by about a mile, unless your goal was to one day have proof that the Baby Boomers were completely up their own asses and should never talk about other generations again.

The setup of the film is an interesting idea with the apocalypse coming and the meek inheriting the Earth - with one major problem, the meek are anyone under 25 and goosed on pot, free love and ego. From there you follow a group of bohemians travelling across Texas to a final destination of Barter Town.

Either Corman wanted to make statements about how awful the young Baby Boomers were or was clueless on how awful his antagonists were. This group of hippies we are stuck with rival the St. Elmo's kids as for being terrible people. They're racists, rapists, and only care about themselves, yet are presented as the ones that are going to change the world for the better, ie "break the wheel" ala Khalessi. Yet at no point are their terrible attributes addressed in anyway other than comedically. So prepared to be angry.

Sadly, the movie is pretty horrible - but still must be viewed. It's like having to watch a snuff film so that you can have evidence in a murder trial. Yes it is soul-crushing to view, but it must be done. This is an important film that changed the landscape of budget movies that still is in place today. But try not to throw your remote through the TV.

Sometimes a studio puts too much talent behind a terribly stupid movie. Sometimes there's some subtle social commentary that sneaks into the script and then has the competency behind the camera to accurately capture those topics. Then you have action guys who just like to blow everything up. Welcome to Men of War.

I absolutely adore this movie. It suffers from the Idiot Plot, yet has some level of emotion behind everything it tries to achieve. It's like a mashup of Forrest Gump/Platoon and Deadly Prey. Everything is shot well, the location is fantastic, the dialogue is sharp.... until Dolph gets to deliver some one-liners.

Without spoiling much, I have to say that the plot revolves around a couple of corporate dorks hire ex-mercenary Nick Gunar to invade an island, get the natives to sign a legal document or else kill all of them and then.... profit? After learning what their business model is (they aren't selling widgets) Gunar decides they are idiots and isn't going to murder a bunch of women and children for their soon to be bankrupt business partnership. Then insanity ensues.

It's an up and down ride from start to finish with Dolph splitting his time with kicking ass, falling in love with the island and it's people, dealing with the Idiot Corporation, his rival mercenary Keefer (played by the always at an 11 Trevor Goddard) getting some Charlotte Lewis naked playtime and shooting people in the face with a rocket launcher. All of it is a blast (get it?) and is constantly throwing you new curveballs of questionable story-telling. 

This is a must do.

Elvis and JFK team up to take down a butt-sucking undead SOB in a nursing home. OR Elvis ends up in a horrible nursing home and struggles to find a reason to keep living. Pick one. You can't have both without muddying up the other. 

While Bubba Ho-Tep should absolutely be praised for accomplishing what it does on only $500,000, it must also be dissed for its non-budget related flaws. Chiefly its duality but also in its production. If you read the back story on this movie, you'll learn that they had a mismatch with the cameras and the level of knowledge on how to run them. So what should have taken 15 days to shoot took 30. That made a lot of stuff in the screenplay that needed to be in film, end up on the floor and a lot of stretching of what was available (which isn't much). This is one of the lowest on content movies we've ever reviewed.

Sadly, this is exceptional work by Bruce Campbell. He is putting everything he's got in the role and is clearly attached to the part, but the horrendous production (lighting, cinematography, makeup, script and plot) get completely in his way and drag everything he does down. Ozzie Davis is great (of course) but he suffers from the same tragedy. It's a shame that both have to lose their skills to a mountain of problems not related to them.

Frankly, at the end of the day, the film is just ruined by it's lack of focus on what it's trying to do. Halfway through, it loses the themes and look it tried to establish in the first half, and the isn't setup to have the second plot work in anyway and thus becomes a lackluster conclusion to something you can't be attached to. 

Some will disagree with us (this is beloved - but likely because people are trying to will it to be good) but this is a straight-up do not from us.

A guy with unrealistically great hair, stands atop a giant earthworm (who isn't even wearing a costume) and uses his Alexa-style hand laser to be less effective in combat than just going and buying a regular laser gun. It's Dune and arguably one of our most controversial choices to lampoon.

Dune is that unique mix of "well, that looked really good" and "this is a really accurate representation of the novels (sorta)" on one side while also being complete nonsensical crap and horribly cheesy effects and acting on the other side. Is it a stinker? Probably. Is it also passionately made art? Probably. Its not only a head-scratcher on how you want to label it, its a head-scratcher within its content.

What are the damn rules of the Dune universe? I mean seriously. It's nonsense. There's a space guild that is also a little guy with a vagina mouth that acts as a Mass Relay (see Mass Effect games). There's a telepathic witch guild that gets mad if you have a male child because it won't fulfill the prophecy even though the male child CLEARLY is the prophecy? Also they are bald, because..... There's a guy just puts corks into people's chests or is it ALL the people that live on his planet, like a social security card. The universe's most important commodity is literally just angel dust but if you do enough of it you can bend space and time to your will. I mean duh phuq? 

Aside from all that, it's a pretty basic plot though - these guys are bad and they killed the Duke, so the son is going to get some revengeance and end up as Neo. So try not to get too hung up in the details.

The film is a complete mess. It's disorganized, incoherent, sloppy and too long and rambling. But there is a sort of wonder in its problems. It's the weird kind of stinker that you enjoy, not because it's unintentionally funny, but because it's unintentionally so confusing. Whether you love it or hate it, it's a must watch and must riff movie.

You didn't ask for it, but you got it. A sequel starring a different guy who finds out he's a werewolf and is good at sports, but this time he's in college! Things are about to get a little wild, right? Sadly no - this college is actually just a junior high school.

Nothing says wild college party like punch and pie mixers, right? Getting fast and loose while the "Dean of Men" chaperones! Yeah, college! This is the nerd's version of college for sure. All these rascally rule breaking college freshman are about as nutty as the girl whose best friend is her mom (so, Jackie?).

We've got to address the one major moment - frog fight. Seriously, not acceptable. There's some shots that appear that they used actual frogs to whap each other in the face with solely for the entertainment of dumb pre-teens, especially one that shows a frog with clear damage to its face. Man, screw the 80's.

We really don't know what to tell you about this movie. It's typically offensive, suffers from awful writing, brings little plot replacing it with montages, isn't clear on whom the antagonist is, doesn't follow it's own rules, is quite unclear on the lore of teen wolves, and so leaves lots to discuss but not much to enjoy while viewing it.

We can't really tell you what to do here - it's not great but there's enough here to enjoy a good riffing Sunday. But in total it's a do not from us.

The greatest question posed by man since 1986 is "what the heck do people see in this pile?" It's like working next to a construction site. Its like a toaster that always burns your bread. Its like a script that tries to make the leads the two most annoying people on the planet and succeeds. Running Scared sucks.

Imagine yourself living in the universe as Gregory Hines and Billy Crystal's characters. Worse yet, imagine having to work with them. They're worse then Lumberg. Each and every Monday would be a compounding hell, when you the entire department is called in for the morning brief and you can't get through it because these two are trying to be funny throughout the whole thing. Keyword - "trying".

The "jokes" are constant - yes, but not only are they not funny - they aren't even jokes. It's the classic trick that crappy comedians pull on the unwitting - make goofy voices and talk really fast and constantly. Those are clearly jokes, right? Wrong. I mean look at this:

Excuse me, we're from Noisebusters. Do you know where the Menudo concert is?

THAT'S funny? It's nonsense! It doesn't even make sense in the context of any of its own premises!

Running Scared is a loud, constant annoyance and the sooner mankind realizes that it's a travesty, the sooner we can move on as a society.

It's got a random gorilla, a laser "unit", eyebrows that change from shot to shot, a trio of tough ladies, possible ninjas and a dubious plot to build the Infinity Gauntlet so you know this must be a Jim Wynorski movie. Bring on the chesty women!

If you've ever seen a Jim Wynorski film, you know of two things to expect: the left boob and the right boob. This one is no different. It's just a silly budget movie with a fairly standard plot (a trio of chesty ladies team-up to destroy an evil plot to take over the world) but that's where the convention ends. Things get pretty loosey goosey with regard to its own script as Jim runs roughshod with his own project. It's glorious.

This is not a tight ship that's being ran here. And it was never supposed to be. This project was intended to lose money as a tax write-off for a movie theater owner. But Jim just can't help himself and made one of his most fun films. There's errors and mistakes everywhere including very strange and cryptic ad-libbing that couldn't be reshot due to time constraints and location limitations. There's bad props and terrible costumes. There's strange sequences that don't fit into anything leaving the viewer having to try and make sense of all the nonsense.

Arguably, it's one of Wynorski's "best" films as it's got all the hallmarks of his usual fodder but without the expertise that he garnered as his career progressed. It should not be missed by any fan of Stinker Madness's film selection.

The hottest awards for bad films in 2018 are here and the winners are all set. Listen to the 2018 SMABFA Podcast and check out all the nominees and winners below.