The Family Lab

Whitney interviews moms from the village that helped raise her. They talk about friendship, the work that goes into building it, and some of their kids' shenanigans. 

This summer I fell 30 feet in a rock climbing accident. Here's my story.

Screentime is a struggle--setting boundaries, resetting those boundaries, keeping kids safe, teaching them how to be intentional about tech. In this episode Whitney shares some of the ups and downs of screentime experiments in her own family. 

For more episodes about managing screentime, check out the rest of the series: 

68: How Andrea Davis Manages Screentime

107: How Catherine Teaches Kids to Manage Technology

115: How She Creates a Heathly Tech Culture

116: How Hillary Creates Healthy Screen Habits

Jessica Jackson’s framework for transitioning from surviving to thriving might just transform your whole way of looking at motherhood and life (because survival mode isn’t exclusive to motherhood). Best of all, Jessica has given me words to describe the transition from survival mode to re-entry to normalizing to exploring to thriving and even soaring. Don’t worry. She’ll explain the whole thing.

Find Jessica at thrivinginmotherhoodpodcast.com

Hillary Wilkinson, one of the founders of Healthy Screen Habits tells the story about how she helped start this organization, shares research about kids and screens, walks us through some safeguards we can put in place, shares some great ways we can connect with our kids through tech,  and teaches us some healthy screen habits.

Seven ways to create a healthy digital culture and connect with your kids. Featuring advice from seven different tech-savvy moms: 

Andrea Davis, betterscreentime.com

Hillary Wilkinson,  healthyscreenhabits.com

Catherine Pearlman, thefamilycoach.com

Jen Brimhall, raisethegood.com

Alex Fales, mindfulwithmedia.com

Kailan Carr, quietbookqueen.com

Chanelle Neilson, chanelleneilson.com

In which we talk about all the expectations in the winter season, plus parenting expectations in general. I also talk about some of the experiments going on here in the Archibald home from family discussions to chores to Christmas gifts, plus a new podcasting adventure for me. 

Christina Acosta shares practical tips for building friendships, from analyzing and repairing past friendships to going deep and getting beyond surface relationships. Christina is the founder of Growing Up Gorgeous, a community for black women of faith. 

Ideas for making time to connect with friends and organizing gatherings, from one-on-one activities to small groups, to parties and even traveling with friends.

Twelve tips about making new friends from seven different moms. 

Katherine Wintsch struggled with self-doubt and perfectionism for years—even while outwardly achieving all her goals as a successful advertising executive. Then she decided to confront and slay those dragons of fear and doubt, rethink her priorities, and start her own company, where she could redefine work-life culture.

In which I discuss some of the fall experiments that have been working for us as we drive kids from one activity to another. I'll talk about our big push to improve hygiene and sleep habits, our holiday experiments, and then update you on some plans for How She Moms and other related projects.

Kathryn Thompson was having a great day--just killing it. But then self-doubt tried to creep it's way in. Right then and there, she stopped those thoughts and started a new practice--collecting drops of awesome, little successes that add up to a full bucket of awesomeness. She tells her story and other practices that help her keep self-doubt at bay. 

Dr. Catherine Pearlman, author of the fabulous book, First Phone, talks about how we can empower kids to make good choices about how they use technology. 

For more resources from Catherine, go to thefamilycoach.com

Gini Ewart's teenage daughter was getting in some serious trouble. Just when Gini thought she had tried everything, she learned some key principles that transformed her relationship with her daughter.

Fourteen tactics for connecting with teens, from ten different moms. 

In 1983, Ellen Weir Casey delivered the first "test-tube baby" born in Colorado,paving the way for the more than 8 million in vitro babies that have been born since--including my own miracle baby. She tells her amazing story on the podcast today.

My kids help me evaluate all of our summer experiments, from jobs to swimming to family reunions and lots of bravery. 

Teenagers are people too! Camille Ward, co-host of the Family Looking Up Podcast, shares her connection-first approach to parenting teenagers, while still setting boundaries and preparing them to go out into the world. 

Mary Van Geffen is spicy. Which is why she's made it her mission as a parenting coach to help parents understand their own spicy children. In this episode, Mary teaches how to manage our own reactions as we parent these amazing kids. 

Get Mary's guide to Finding Your Calm here: https://maryvangeffen.ck.page/42c9542683

100 episodes! To celebrate, I thought I'd put together an episode of some of the ways the amazing moms I've interviewed have helped me (and maybe some of you) rethink motherhood. I somehow narrowed it down to 12 (or so) ideas that have helped me become a better mom over the past three years. Here's to many more (years and great ideas)! 

Welcome to Season 4! Here's a teaser of some of the topics and guests I plan to feature in this season, plus a behind-the-scenes look at how I put the podcast together. 

Bryce Reddy is a family therapist specializing in maternal mental health, and one of the most quotable people I've ever interviewed. In this eisode, she shares her insights about mom guilt, judgement, and how we can support each other.

Devan James and Alexis Mayberry have known each other since middle school. They’ve supported each other through relationships, babies, and more babies. Last year, they decided to spread the love and support to other moms by recording season one of their podcast, Word2yamuva. We had a great conversation, from mommy wars to mom guilt to discipline to career choices.

A conversation with Renee Reina, host of The Mom Room Podcast, about mom guilt, comparisons, toxic mom culture, and the division of labor at home. 

Ten tips from sixteen different moms (and one dad) about how to support each other, make healthy comparisons, and just be good neighbors. Cue Mr. Rogers.

Are Mommy Wars real? And if so, how do we end them? Today, we discuss the history of the Mommy Wars, what they're all about, and how we can end them, already. 

Dana K. White is a decluttering expert for the rest of us. The ones who struggle. We discuss her decluttering process, her Cinderella story from slob to home management guru, clutter thresholds, and teaching our kids to declutter (or at least attempting to).

The first of three episodes focusing first on the strategic level of managing stuff, then decluttering, then organizing. In this episode, we delve into our objectives for decluttering and organizing our homes, our relationships with our stuff, how our personalities affect the way we manage our stuff, and how we decide what to keep and what to chuck.

This episode gives you permission to celebrate birthdays in whatever way fits your personality and family. But--it also includes a piñata full of great ideas about how different moms do birthday parties, gifts, food, and relationship-building traditions. 

My dear friend Kelley Durrant tells about the unexpected paths she has traveled as a mother. Paths that have included a lot of challenges: infertility, the loss of a daughter; a son with special needs; but also lots of learning, giving, and adventure, including a surprise, record-breaking physical talent; a year living abroad; and a cow named Tina.

In this second half of the workshop about sharing family work, we’re going to dive into the work that goes into running a family. We’ve already talked about what goes into caring for ourselves and individual people within the family, which constitutes a large part of family work. But there’s also those communal responsibilities of feeding a family, taking care of the home itself, and all the things that go into running the organization of a family, including fun things like culture, traditions, recreation, etc.

A strategic level workshop about how to:

• Make invisible work visible
• Show kids what they need to learn how to do to take care of themselves when they’re an adult
• Empower kids to take on more responsibility
• Figure out a deliberate plan for sharing family work
• Identify the individual strengths and talents of family members
• Evaluate your priorities 
• Set family and individual goals

Ten ways to help your kids connect with their ancestors.

Fifteen different ways to write about your family, from short and simple to prolific. 

LInks to journals, books, and courses mentioned:

Back and Forth Journal

Flecks of Gold Journal

Thriving in Motherhood Journal

Family Yearbook Course by Miss Freddy (code: howshemoms)

The Thank You Project

In last week’s episode: How She Manages Family Photos, we talked about why it’s important to take family pictures and videos, and how to organize them and back them up. This week, we’re going to talk about what comes next—how we get use those photos and videos to tell our families’ stories.

Links:

Video clips

missfreddy.com (code: howshemoms for 20% off)

Jen Stein and The Family Photographer Podcast

Chatbooks.com

The purpose of this episode is not to make you feel guilty or overwhelmed about  all the things you should be doing with your family photos. The goal today is to help you create a system for managing your photos that works for you, in your current stage of life. We’ll give you some tools and show you how five different moms manage their photos, but also give you permission to do the bare minimum now, to protect and organize your photos so they’ll be there when you get around to doing something with them.

Then the next episode will be about how moms use these photos and videos to tell their family’s story—some of the creative ways people display pictures and make them more accessible.

Resources:

missfreddy.com (Use code howshemoms for 20% off)

chatbooks.com

lubnajamalphotography.com

Janet Thompson, a mother of six and one of my motherhood mentors shares eight tips to create an inviting family culture.

Stay-at-home mom? Homemaker? Simply "mom"? In this episode we try to answer the elusive question: What is the best job title for a woman who makes a career out of taking care of children and managing a home. 

Maria Eckersley is the queen of what she calls easy, lazy fun, from a quirky family book club to flying pancakes. In this episode, we talk about some of her fun ideas and about how to create a positive family culture, how to pursue your own passions while cultivating your kids’ passions, and how to overcome trials.

Vanessa Quigley, co-founder of Chatbooks, shares the story of how--and why--they started the company and gives lots of great tips about taking, storing, curating, and enjoying family photos. 

My guests and I discuss eleven ways to help our kids develop their talents as we try to untangle this topic. Are we pushing too hard? Not enough? Enriching them with good experiences or overscheduling them? But though it can be difficult, helping our kids cultivate their talents is one of the best parts of motherhood.

This is a story of a two mothers, two pandemics, and two births-- three generations apart. It's a story of poetry and hope, and about how good things can come from difficult circumstances.

Jasmine and Madison Wilson have made music, love, and laughter their family creed, as well as their Instagram handle (@musiclovelaughter). In this episode, we talk about how Jasmine has cultivated her young daughter's musical talent, helping her write and record original songs as early as age 6. 

The first in a three-episode series about one of the very best parts of motherhood--discovering each of our kids’ unique talents and helping them cultivate those talents.

Andrea Davis, founder of Better Screen Time, shares how her whole family works together to set boundaries around technology, and keep an ongoing, positive dialogue about screentime.

Resources:

Betterscreentime.com

Connection Reset Challenge

Linda and Richard Eyre Article

Gabb Wireless

A rundown of the experiments we're trying in the Archibald home this summer, from cooking classes to way too many sports to chores.

I teamed up with two other moms of gluten free kids to talk about how we help our gluten free kids. As I like to do on this podcast, we’ll start by talking about our gluten free strategies—our overall approach—and move to more specific tactics and then the logistics of cooking gluten free and keeping our gluten-free kids fed and healthy.

Resources: 

gfkiddos.com

glutenfreewithcoral.com

Meghann Guentensberger lost her daughter in a tragic accident four years ago. In this episode she tells her story of the accident, her family’s journey through grief, and her mission to follow Rylie’s example of spreading love and kindness with her non-profit organization called Rylie's ARK, which stands for Acts of Random Kindness. 

You can learn more about this amazing organization at ryliesark.org, and you can read Meghann's beautiful writing at meghannguentensberger.com.

Traveling when you have kids takes patience, planning, and creativity, even if you're leaving them home, but it can be done! And—usually—it’s worth all the pain. This episode shares creative tips and tricks from planning to packing to entertaining kids in the car and making it through the airport, and then to the adventures themselves. Happy travels!

Leslie Graff rediscovered her passion for creating art around the time she also became a mom. What she didn’t anticipate was how much each of these pursuits would enrich the other.

Nancy Maldonado became the CEO of the Chicano Federation of San Diego in January 2019, which meant she had about a year to prepare for the organization’s COVID-19 response--without any clue that that’s what she was preparing for. I talked to Nancy about how she discovered her passion for helping underserved communities and how she manages her career and motherhood. We also had a great conversation about mommy wars and mom guilt. 

Wendy Castellanos-Wolf and Alexandra Rozo met while pursuing a shared passion for Flamenco dancing, and recently started pursing a new passion project together, as co-hosts of the Mama Cita podcast.

You’ll love this conversation all about how they discovered their passions, how they pursue them as busy moms, and how they deal with mom guilt.

In this episode, nine different women share how they discovered their passions, from law to flamenco. Some of these women have pursued their passions through their careers, some through hobbies, some through volunteer work. Others weave their passions through everything they do. This episode will be especially helpful if you are not quite sure what you’re passionate about right now, if you can’t figure out how to fit your passions into your current circumstances, or if you’ve lost sight of what lights you up.

Monica Tanner is passionate about marriages and families and, well, passion itself. In fact, she’s made a career of it. She started a company called On the Brighter Side of Marriage, to combine marriage and business coaching. In this episode, we’re going to talk to Monica about how she prioritizes marriage, family, and work--in that order. 

Buried in laundry? This workshop will help you craft your own realistic laundry system, using ideas from lots of different families. To get the most out of the workshop, you can buy a $5 workbook at howshemoms.com.

How Dana White does laundry: A Slob Comes Clean Podcast 

How Kendra Adachi does laundry: The Lazy Genius Podcast

Lubna Jamal immigrated to the United States from Pakistan about 20 years ago to marry her husband, a recent immigrant himself. Last week, I invited her into my fancy podcasting studio/aka my bedroom closet to talk to her about how she teaches her two sons about their cultural heritage and family history.

To work or to stay home with your baby. That is the question. Or that used to be the question. Or maybe we just thought it was the question. The truth is, we have more than two options when it comes to motherhood and work—more options than mothers have ever had, thanks in part to pioneering feminists who came before us, advances in technology, and changes in the way we do business. Not to mention the fact that our life spans are getting longer and longer, so we have more time to reimagine our careers in different stages of life. Today, we’ll focus on this pivotal time for making career decisions, right after you have your first baby. 

Ashley Freehan mastered the work-from-home mom routine well before the pandemic. She not only knows how to take care of business and her two kids; she’s good at taking care of herself too. Ashley shares her great ideas from how to entertain kids while you’re working, to helping them understand your work, to figuring out a viable daily schedule, to convincing your kids to wear underwear. 

It’s that time again—about three times a year, I do a whole episode updating you on the experiments we’re trying here in the Archibald home—from sleep to chores to allowance to travel.

Delphine Brandt grew up in France, then married an American and moved to the U.S. shortly after they had their first child. She talks about adjusting to motherhood while adjusting to a new culture, and how they have merged the two cultures in their family--from food to discipline to wardrobe. 

One day you're the same you you've always been--the next day you're a mom. In this episode I talk to moms about how becoming a mom affected their sense of identity, from defining this new role to reevaluating goals and behaviors to rekindling past interests. 

Kathleen Stout was visiting friends in Scotland when she found out she would become a foster mom. A couple weeks later, she was suddenly a single working mom raising a teenager and a three year old. And almost a year after that, she was able to adopt the kids and make them her permanent family. She shares her beautiful story about transitioning to motherhood. 

We can plan and prepare and imagine what this new world of motherhood will look like for us, but there’s only one guarantee: the element of surprise. In this episode, fourteen different moms share about how their expectations of motherhood met reality. 

Becoming a mother is hard. But at 14, Emily was still figuring out who she was, let alone how motherhood would factor into her identity.

Maria Kemp’s kids start riding horses as soon as they can ride along in a front pack. For them, work is a way of life.

Chances are, you saw motherhood going a little differently. When the rubber pacifier hits the road, we rarely turn out to be the moms we thought we would be—but in so many ways we’re better than those fantasy moms we dreamed up.

You can learn more about some of the moms I featured in this episode here: 

Devon Smiddy: Meagghanthompsoncoaching.com

Celeste Davis: marriagelaboratory.com

Rachel Nielson: 3in30podcast.com

Today, I’m delighted to share some of the highlights from a conversation I had with Chantel Allen, a mom of four and a life coach. She’ll talk about some of the different stages of motherhood, and her career path from preschool teacher to life coach. We also talk about how she has learned to live with anxiety and help her children through some of the same challenges.

Naming a baby is one of the first big decisions we make as parents—and it’s a huge one! Talk about pressure! This is the name they’re going to be known by their whole lives. It sounds so stressful--so why is it so darn fun?

In this episode we’re going to talk about some of the common—and uncommon--ways parents come up with names, and how they actually come to an agreement on those names. We’ll also take a fun intermission with a little quiz we’ll call Spot the Urban Legend.

Sources: 

How To Name a Baby, by Tim Urban

Baby Name Voyager

Every year, Leisle and Vinh Chung take a couple retreat to come up with a new version of their Plan with a capital P--a 30-year blueprint for their family. In this episode you'll learn about their plan and how they infuse their values--including hard work, compassion and service--into parenting and family life.

In this episode I’ll share what bedtime looks like for several different moms, some with just young kids and some with older kids and teenagers, including some really sweet ideas about how to connect with your kids at bedtime. Then I’ll share some of the advice and research that’s helped me improve our bedtime routine this year.

Resources: 

howshemoms.com

Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker, PhD

Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, by Marc Weissbluth MD

routineandthings.com

jenbrewer.com

thepurposegathering.com

meckmom.com

rebeccabrownwright.com

Inspiring stories of women who love and serve their communities and the world and teach their children to do the same. 

Beth Millward is the mom version of Buddy the Elf. In this episode she shares her many Christmas traditions, from Santa's Workshop to the twelve days of Christmas. I dare you to listen without getting excited to celebrate!

In this episode we’ll  talk about 10 tactics to bring a little more play into parenting. Along the way, we’ll dig into the guilt a little bit and examine that pressure we feel to entertain our kids, we’ll talk to moms about specific ways they play with their kids—including march-madness style taste tests, airborne pancakes, and competitive toilet wiping—and we’ll even learn some techniques for making those pretend-play sessions something you can actually enjoy once in a while.

Brooke Romney is one of my favorite writers on the topic of being a mother and being a good person in general. Her first book, I Love Me Anyway, released this fall, and it’s as beautiful and inspiring as I expected. Here, I talk with Brooke about some of the different stages she’s experienced in motherhood, and what she’s learned along the way, especially from other moms.

In the last episode, we talked about why self-care is important and some great ideas of how to make it happen. Today, we’re going to talk to three moms who have figured out how to take care of themselves while taking care of their kids, in three very different ways and in three different situations.

As a mom, you know what human beings need and how to take care of them. So why don't you take care of yourself? In this episode, I talk to 10 different moms about self-care—the why, the what, and the how.

This episode is all about how to find islands of our own—islands of time and islands of space where moms can be alone and recharge.

This is the first of two episodes about self care. The next one will include lots of different ways to care for ourselves, but I wanted to start with this episode because I feel like this desperate need for alone time is pretty unique to motherhood, and especially to motherhood right now, in a time of homeschooling, remote schooling, and working from home.

Ten experiments going down at the Archibald home, from a family retreat to chore routines to bedtime bribery. 

This week’s episode is another bonus interview, and a glimpse of what life is like for a mom of 11 children! I recorded this conversation with the incredible Emily Fillmore about a year ago for my episodes “How She Teaches Kids to Work” and “How She Teaches Kids to Be Tidy,” and I thought it was time to bring you the whole interview, now that we’re all figuring out our fall routines.

Links:

Family Do Dots

This is not an episode about the nitty gritty of homeschooling, though I do plan to do a more comprehensive episode or maybe even a multi-part series about that in the future. This is an episode for first-time homeschoolers and remote schoolers. I’m going to split the episode into two parts: help and hope.

We’ll start by troubleshooting some of the challenges of teaching your kids at home—including how to get your own work done while the kids are all home. Then we’ll play Pollyanna and talk about some of the positive things about teaching your kids at home. The goal here is to focus on what you’re gaining this year rather than what you’re missing out on—to replace some of your fear and dread with hope and maybe even excitement. I am not trying to minimize that fear and dread at all. Those are very understandable emotions to be having right now. This is hard! But after interviewing the moms I talked to for this episode, I felt so much more hopeful and optimistic, and I wanted to bottle that feeling up for you as well.   

Resources:

Jodi Chaffee, host of the podcast The Family Culture Movement: homeandfamilyculture.com

Instagram: @familyculturepodcast

Ceri Payne, life coach: Organizedlife.coach

Instagram: @organizedlife.coach

Family Looking Up Podcast, Episode 150: Combating Homeschool Overwhelm with Jen Bradley

The Self-Driven Child, by William Stixrud and Ned Johnson

Josie Lauducci mastered the quarantine life before quarantining was cool. She went long stretches where she saw no one but her family; she lived in tight quarters on a shoestring budget; she homeschooled—and here’s the amazing part—she did it on purpose. On a sailboat.

Read about the Lauduccis and their adventure at afamilyafloat.com

As moms, we are students of child development. We read books. We observe our own kids, and other people’s kids to figure out what’s “normal.” We recognize the different stages they go through. Some pass by as quick as a newborn’s smile, some drag like a morning diaper.

However, we are less likely to recognize our own stages of development, and the remarkable growth we mothers experience as we learn, face and overcome challenges, and perhaps most importantly, chill out a bit.

In this season of the How She Moms Podcast, we’re going to explore this theme of how we mothers evolve and grow, and how our identities shift and develop. I’ll be creating episodes about some of the more universal stages we go through that more or less follow the stages of our children--like becoming mothers in the first place, navigating those early toddler years and parenting elementary kids, teenagers, and eventually adults. But we’ll also talk about some of the stages brought about by circumstances and events that change and shape us as mothers, things like moving, meeting friends and mentors, illnesses for both ourselves and our children, losing people we love, and parenting children with disabilities.

To kick off this theme, I invited three mothers, all in different stages of motherhood, to talk about how motherhood has influenced their growth and development.

Maris Young hosts the Young Honest Mother Podcast and blogs at younghonestmother.com  She is the mother of one son, who is three. You can follow her on Instagram @younghonestmother.

Cheryl Cardall is the mother of five children, from 10 to 21. She hosts the Fight Like a Mother podcast, a show about parenting children with mental health challenges. You can follow her on Instagram @supermamas4real 

Georgia Anderson is a mother of seven grown children (14 if you count their spouses, which she does) and a grandmother as well. She is a Gottman-trained parenting coach and also hosts retreats for women and couples. You can find her at knowhowmom.com and on Instagram @knowhowmomtips.

We all know that parenting is a grand experiment. It has become my tradition with this podcast to update you on the experiments we’re trying here at the Archibald home about three times a year—summer, fall, and winter. So in this episode I’ll talk about our current experiments and update you on some of the ones from the experiment episode last February, called Routine Experiments—the sequel.

Today’s episode is part two of a two-part series about how to take the fight out of food. In the first episode, we talked about picky eating and house rules about what kind of food you eat. In this episode we’re going to talk about two other potential battles: When kids eat and how they eat.

Resources mentioned in this episode:

SNL sketch: Dysfunctional Family Dinner

Didn’t I Just Feed You Podcast: The Beast Hiding In Your Pantry

What Fresh Hell Podcast. House Rules that Work

A Helping of Happiness Blog, by Hillary Hess

French Kids Eat Everything, by Karen Le Billon

Most of us haven’t been in a sitcom-style, hurl-mashed-potatoes-across-the-room kind of food fight, but I’ll bet most of us have been in fights about food with our kids. There are so many potential conflicts here, from picky eating to table manners. The goal of this two part series is to help make eating with your kids a positive experience—with a lot of great ideas from moms on the front lines. In this first episode, we’ll talk about two potential battles: picky eating and house rules about what types of food you eat. In part two, we’ll talk about battles over when kids eat—especially snacks—and how kids eat—how they act at the table.

Resources Mentioned in this Episode:

Podcasts:

Your Picky Eater, What Fresh Hell Podcast

Baby Food, Our Parents Did What? Podcast

The Beast Hiding in Your Pantry, Didn’t I Just Feed You? Podcast

Books:

Bringing Up Bebe, by Pamela Druckerman

French Kids Eat Everything, by Karen Le Billon

Green Eggs and Ham, by Dr. Seuss

Little Pea, by Amy Rosenthal

Bread and Jam for Frances, by Russell and Lillian Hoban

I Will Never Not Ever Eat a Tomato, by Lauren Child

Video Clip:

There’s a Party In My Tummy,  Yo Gabba Gabba

Workshop:

How She Moms Meal-Planning Workshop

Motherhood is a loaded word, full of social, historical, cultural, and familial expectations and responsibilities. Yet, as we all know, there are no prerequisites and no formal training—not even a job interview—required to assume this position. 

We’ve all read articles that break down the many hats moms wear while they juggle balls in the form of children and housework and birthday parties and jobs and side gigs. But rather than being intimidated and utterly overwhelmed by this long list of duties, we can choose to be liberated by it. Since no one person can possibly be good at all of them, we get to choose the ones that we’re going to prioritize, which our spouses are going to take on (if we have one), what we’re going to outsource to someone else, and which of the balls we’re just going to drop. 

 We get to write our own job descriptions.

Resources mentioned in this episode:

“Housekeeping Is Not Motherhood,” by Rebecca Brown Right, rebeccabrownwright.com

Marriagelaboratory.com (Celeste Davis)

Chantelallencoaching.com

Brookeromney.com

Your Kid—A Novel Problem

Raising Seabiscuit

All Joy and No Fun, By Jennifer Senior

We’ve all experienced resets in our lives, both bad and good—things like job loss, illnesses, divorce, deaths, trauma, and tragic events like 9-11, and also positive things like marriage, moves, babies, graduations, new jobs. This time, Corona keeps pushing a giant reset button over and over—sometimes several times a day. No gatherings over 150, wait, make that 10. School’s going online for two weeks. Make that a month. Make that the rest of the school year.

Uncertainty is one of the trademarks of this reset. The uncertainty of how long it will last, how many people we love will get this evil virus, if and when we will get it ourselves, and how our bodies will react. We’re all constantly monitoring ourselves for signs of sickness, trying not to become a hypochondriac every time our throat tickles.

Sure, we could panic, and hunker down in fear. But we’re moms—and we don’t have time for that. We have mouths to feed, budgets to tighten, bottoms to wipe, toddlers to entertain—plus we’re trying to channel our inner Little House on the Prairie as we manage our own one-room school houses and make cheese using the lining of a calf’s stomach. OK, not that last part, but we are having to dig deep into our pantries and use stuff we didn’t even remember we had. Hello SPAM.

In this episode I talk about several of the specific ways Covid-19 is resetting motherhood both temporarily and long-term.

Here are some of the resources I mention in this episode:

Articles:

“This Togetherness is Temporary” by Mary Laura Philpott

 “Staying at Home With My Kids for Six Weeks: A Story About Boundaries.”  By Celeste Davis

“Coronavirus Is Not a Motherhood Competition.” By Brooke Romney

Awesome video by the Heller family:

https://vimeo.com/404483016?fbclid=IwAR1C8ZodQJZbLoFfvp7sQa-nZA8B0InhK_h8gmtjE8AkRmFNoszSR_uuPS8 

Podcast episodes:

“How To Be The Mom You Are (Instead of the Mom You Think You Should Be)” Episode 16 of the 3 in 30 Podcast

“Homeschool Moms: “You’ve Got this. Here’s What’s Most Important,” The Mom Hour Podcast

I'm offering my complete Meal-Planning Workshop for free during the COVID-19 craziness, since we're all cooking at home more than ever. You can hear the entire introduction to the course in this podcast episode to see if it's something that will help you and your family. Go to howshemoms.teachable.com to enroll. God bless!

It’s 6 p.m. and you’re staring, zombie-like into the fridge. You have no idea what’s for dinner. In fact, it’s hard to remember what you’ve ever cooked for dinner. What on earth do people eat?

In this episode, we’ll hear from three moms with different approaches to meal planning. Kara Farnsworth uses an old-fashioned, analog system, using note cards to plan her meals. Janae Ku uses a digital system. And Hillary Hess takes a more casual approach than either of the other two. 

For more meal-planning ideas and to create your own system, check out my new meal-planning workshop! 

Links:

The How She Moms Meal-Planning Workshop

How Janae Plans Meals

How Kara Plans Meals

Sesame Street Video Clip: A Cookie Is a Sometime Food

Back in August, I recorded an episode called Routine Experimentation, where I talked about several of the experiments I was conducting in my home laboratory with my five little guinea pigs (to switch to another animal analogy). This is actually one of my favorite things about motherhood--troubleshooting problem areas and figuring out creative solutions. I like to play the role of mad scientist.

Of course a lot has changed since last August, as tends to happen where kids are involved, so I thought it was time for an update on how those experiments fared, and to tell you about the new experiments I’m rolling out.

I’ll first cover our three regular daily routines: morning, afternoon, and bedtime, and then talk about a few other experiments like allowance, housekeeping, and exercise.

Outsourcing is a weirdly fraught topic for moms, partly because of cultural expectations of what we should be doing, partly because of gender stereotypes, partly because of whatever our own mothers did, but maybe even more because of the pressure we put on ourselves to do everything and be everything to everyone. Then there’s the cost. In this episode we’ll talk a bit more about some of the barriers to outsourcing and then we’ll talk about creative ways moms outsource all sorts of jobs, on all sorts of budgets.

Links:

• Full transcript at howshemoms.com
• Best of Both Worlds Podcast, episode 8, Outsourcing
• About Progress podcast, “Yes, You Can Outsource Your Normal Life.”
• Rachel Neilson’s Declutter Your Motherhood Workshop.
• Inc. Magazine, When to Outsource: 5 Decisions, by Michael Alter.

With as many kids as I have, and all the reading I do on the topic, you might think I’m somewhat of an expert on raising kids. Yes, I generally know how to keep them alive, clothed, fed, and sheltered, and I keep the family more or less afloat. But one thing that has surprised me the most about parenting is how many skills are not transferrable from one kid to the next. If they were, we’d only need one parenting book to teach us everything we need to know, instead of the hundreds that are out there.

But over the past couple of years, five different people have shifted how I think about this: Malcolm Gladwell, in his podcast, Revisionist History; Mary Reckmeyer, in the book Strengths-Based Parenting; Ross W. Greene, in his book, The Explosive Child; Brittney Smart, in her book, The Five-Minute Time In; and my family’s own behavioral coach, Karly Allen.

Links: 

Full Text of this episode at Howshemoms.com

Malcolm Gladwell's Revisionist History

A Sick Day for Amos McGee

Revisionist History Season 4 (Episodes 6, 7, 8)

Strengths-Based Parenting

The Blessing of a Skinned Knee

The Explosive Child

The Five-Minute Time In

Monster-Free Mothering

In this episode we’ll talk about many different ways to approach mornings, from moms in all sorts of different situations, moms with little kids and moms with teenagers, moms who home school and moms who send their kids to school, moms with different work situations, moms who love mornings and moms who hate them.

As usual, you can access the full transcript at howshemoms.com.

Links:

• The Lazy Genius Podcast: Episode 58, The Lazy Genius Morning Routine 
• Why We Sleep, by Matthew Walker, PhD
• Morning People Vs. Night Owls: 9 Insights Backed By Science, Fast Company Magazine
• 3 in 30 Podcast: Episode 64, How to Make Over Your Mornings with Crystal Paine of Money Saving Mom
• What the Most Successful People Do Before Breakfast, by Laura Vanderkam
• Miracle Morning, by Hal Elrod
• Establishing School-Year Routines, by Karen Loosli, powerofmoms.com
• How Juliana Does Mornings, howshemoms.com
• How Emerald Creates Routines, howshemoms.com
• How Sharolyn Creates Routines, howshemoms.com
• How Josie Does Mornings, howshemoms.com

I have so many great stories to share with you in this podcast episode, from five different mothers who serve their community and the world in beautiful ways. I truly believe that being a mom is specialized training in how to identify and serve the needs of others—a skillset we can then take into our communities and the world, when the time is right. 

Here are some links I mention in this episode: 

Slade Family Christmas Video 2011

Slade Family Tiny Home for the Holidays Video

Micah Slade's YouTube Channel

JustServe.org

Aging Resources of Douglas County

Pikes Peak Challenge

Giving Quiz for Kids at Coloradocares.org

Light the World Giving Machines

Light the World Service Advent Calendar

Midlife Mixtape, Episode 54: Giving Circle Founder Jacqueline Jacobs Caster

Charity Water

Christmas is coming--portly goose and all--whether that fills you with glee or stress. Today we’re going to dig into this dichotomy, and hopefully get rid of any dread. Christmas should be a season of joy and dare I say peace—even for moms. Fear not! You too can enjoy Christmas.

Resources mentioned in this episode:

• Audibletrial.com/howshemoms
• Ceri Payne coaching
• Family Looking Up Podcast
• The Mom Hour Podcast
  • December Intentions for Busy Moms: 2018 Holiday Special #2

• Light the World Advent Calendar
• The Lindsay Report
• Helping of Happiness Podcast
  • Episode 34 Power in Motherhood with Paula Wood
  • Episode 32 Christ-Centered Christmas with Merrilee Boyack

• How She Moms Facebook Group
• Everyday Reading
  • Janssen’s Christmas book list
  • A Valentine Banner Made from Christmas Cards
• Brooke Romney
  • Scripture Advent
  • Gift lists for boys
• Arabah Joy
  • Christmas Traditions
  • Christmas Scavenger Hunt

This week, we’re talking about how moms serve. I did not have to look very far to find amazing examples of mothers serving one another, their families, their communities, and the world. In fact, most of the stories come just from my own neighborhood. I could do a podcast episode on this topic every week and never run out of amazing stories to share. In fact, I found so many great ideas that I’m going to split it into two parts. Today I’ll talk about how moms serve their own families and their friends and neighbors. Next week, in part 2, I’ll talk about moms who have branched out to serve in their communities and beyond. Throughout both parts, we’ll also talk about how we can teach our kids to serve, and how to create a culture of service in our homes.

Donna is a mother of six, a grandmother of 24—including me—and a great-grandmother of 29. She’s also a dancer, a storyteller, and a poet.

She’s delightful and hilarious and quite spicy—I even had to censor her to keep my clean rating—and she gave such interesting insights into what motherhood used to be like that I just had to share her with you.

Perhaps the most interesting insight came when I asked Donna about mom guilt. She didn’t answer at first, just kind of got a puzzled look on her face, like she didn’t understand the question. She definitely had not heard the term before.

I found out I was going to be a mom in a very dramatic way. I was 25 years old. My eggs had been retrieved, fertilized, frozen, and implanted in our first round of in-vitro fertilization. Then we got the call to let us know that it was unsuccessful. We were sad, but after four years of monthly disappointments, we knew how to play this game. We put our Pollyanna faces on—at least we still had 11 embryos left--I took a brief reprieve from the awful progesterone shots that are as thick as peanut butter, and we started preparing for the next round.

Then, a week later, I got another call at work. After all the complicated testing we had been through, they had misread the most simple, most common one—the pregnancy test. I was pregnant after all! They needed me to come in immediately for a progesterone shot.

Sobbing uncontrollably, I called my husband, who thought at first that someone must have died. I pulled myself together enough to share the news, then hung up and ran out of the office, still crying. I shouted over my shoulder to the receptionist, “I’m leaving for the day,” and then I ran to the hospital. Since it was February in Rochester, MN, this involved running like a tear-stained rodent through the underground tunnels that connect everything downtown, so you don’t have to go outside when it’s 20 below. I scurried to the clinic, got my shot, and finally had time to process what was happening. I was going to be a mom!

 It’s been about two years since I started How She Moms, and I realized I haven’t really shared the origin story. So I thought I’d start from the beginning and tell about my motherhood journey and what How She Moms is all about.

Once upon a time, I was a young magazine editor who really wanted to be a mom. And it just wasn’t happening. Unexplained, inexplicable, infuriating infertility. Then, finally, as I shared in the intro, I was pregnant. Despite the awful progesterone shots, which I took daily until after the first trimester, the pregnancy went just like my daily email updates said it should be going. I tracked his growth from lima bean to brussels sprout to bell pepper. I delighted when I first felt him flutter. I laughed when he got the hiccups. I loved watching my belly protrude further and further, rippling with his movements.

The birth itself had some scary moments, but we both came through it and David and I finally held our much-anticipated little Jonas in our arms. We were ecstatic. So this was motherhood.

Fast forward four years. I now had two little boys and another boy on the way, the second two, thankfully, without IVF. This time I was well acquainted with motherhood. In fact, I was drowning in it. My house was a mess; I was just getting over morning sickness; I hadn’t had a good night’s sleep in years. This was not exactly what I had envisioned as I was injecting progesterone those many years ago. We were in survival mode. I didn’t want to just survive. I wanted to thrive.

Knowing what I know now, after five kids and 13 years of motherhood, I understand that survival mode is just part of the cycle. Sometimes surviving iswinning. But at that point, of course, motherhood itself seemed like the embodiment of Thoreau’s famous phrase—quiet desperation.

After my first son was born, I had gradually tapered off my job at the magazine, first editing just a quarterly magazine from home, then editing a monthly column and writing a few articles now and then. By this time, I had stopped writing for the magazine altogether. I was a full-time mom, but I realized I was treating it like a job, not a career.

I had waited so long for this, and I wanted to be good at this career I had chosen.

Sidenote here: Whether you have another career as well, or whether motherhood is your sole career, it isa career—one that you keep, in different forms, for the rest of your life. But it’s a career without much formal training. You can’t get an official bachelor’s degree in motherhood, let alone a master’s or PhD.

I realized that I if I wanted to get better at this motherhood/household management career, I needed to create my own curriculum.

I also needed a title. And so, my career as the CEO of Archibald Inc. officially began. I opened my laptop and created a new file called, of course, Archibald Inc. I then created folders for each department of our small corporation: Finance, Culinary Arts, Janitorial, Education, Recreation Management, Facilities Management, HR, Administration, etc.

Another sidenote here: I know that not all of these departments are motherhood related. Managing a household and being a mom are not the same thing. But in my case, I am the household manager as well as the mom, and I’m guessing that most of you at least share household management responsibilities as well as being a mom. Since How She Moms and Manages Her Household does not have the same ring to it as How She Moms, I’ve rolled it all into one.

I knew I couldn’t tackle all the departments at once, so each month, decided which department was struggling the most. Then took some time to figure out my objectives for that department. For example, under janitorial, my main objective was to put housekeeping on autopilot so I could be quick and efficient and have more time to spend on things I actually enjoyed. For Education, I wanted to teach my kids to be excited and curious about learning new things.  

Once I set my objectives, I would start creating systems that would help me meet those objectives.

To help me create these systems, I did my research. Each month I checked out books related to the topic and talked to everyone I knew about how they handled that department in their own home.

My best resources were other moms who had already solved a lot of the problems I was facing. In any given household people come up with brilliant ideas every day, just solving the problems of everyday living and parenting. Usually those great ideas become invisible as they become routine, and we don't think about sharing them with each other. 

Often, as I washed my dishes or folded laundry, I imagined what I'd see if I could lift off the roofs of houses all over my neighborhood and get a bird’s-eye view. I'd see families doing mostly the same things—standing at an open fridge wondering what to make for dinner, messing up the house and cleaning it back up again, reading bedtime stories—but in different ways. 

When I was an editor and needed new ideas, I just called a meeting of my editorial advisory board. So I started holding board meetings of my own, inviting other moms to playdates or lunches specifically so we could talk shop—so I could sneak a peek into how they solved problems.

The first month, I focused on the janitorial department—specifically keeping my kitchen clean. I set a specific goal—a clean kitchen before bed each night. I found several books and blogs with information about efficient ways to clean a kitchen, and I streamlined my process. Because I prioritized it, I was able to actually do it, and even though it may seem trivial to those of you who have always been able to do this, it was so empowering!

Once that month was over, I picked a new department to prioritize. One month I focused on education and took my little guys on a field trip to the library or zoo or museum each week. Another month, I focused on basic car maintenance, to get ready for an upcoming road trip. I also included personal development—an important part of being a mom. I once spent a whole month trying not to be such a know-it-all—a problem I’ve struggled with since my over-eager hand-raising days in elementary school. I was totally that kid. During know-it-all month, I would coach myself before entering conversations to use the phrases “What a great idea,” “I’ve never thought of that,” and “I didn’t know that,” among other tactics.

Eventually, this monthly program became a way of life. Sure I missed some months when I was pregnant or had a baby and I would go into survival mode again, but mostly I stuck with it, collecting ideas and motherhood mentors along the way—many of whom you’ve heard on this podcast.

And now, here we are. I started How She Moms when my fifth child was two, because I finally had the bandwidth to merge my writing career back in with my motherhood career. I’m still picking a monthly theme to research, but now I get to share what I learn each month with you. And as an added bonus, I’ve met even more amazing moms, with more innovative ideas about how to run their homes and nurture their kids. I lift their roofs off each month so we can all peek inside and see how other moms mom. (Note to self: I need to find a less-creepy image than that.) Every mom I talk to—at the park, on an airplane, on the phone—and every mom listening to this podcast has dozens of unique ideas that other moms can benefit from.

And since every mom, every kid, and every different season of motherhood requires fresh ideas, we will all go through lots of different ideas as we try to find solutions that work for our families.

Angela has loved to read since she was a little girl, and she brought that passion into her own home--she has five children who all love to read. In turn, she and her family are bringing that love of reading to people all over the world, as they volunteer for a non-profit organization called Village Book Builders. This August, she went with daughter and son-in-law to Malawi Africa to help finish a library in a small village called Kadzakalowa. In this episode she talks about how she created a culture of reading in her family, and about her trip. 

To learn more about Village Book Builders, go to www.villagebookbuilders.org

To read a profile of Angela on HowSheMoms.com, click here.

In this episode, How She Reads, we’ll talk about how moms read to their kids, how they fit in some reading time for themselves, and how they create a culture of reading in their homes.

There’s plenty of evidence that reading is good for our brains—and for our kids’ brains. We know that reading to our kids improves their own reading skills and helps them with other academic subjects too. The importance and value of this cannot be overstated.

But all this research—all the quotas of the number of books we’re supposed to read to our kids by the time they enter kindergarten—is not the only reason we should read to our kids. It misses all the magic.

Reading is also about connecting with other people—the people who wrote the books, the characters inside them (real or imaginary), and whoever you read the book with or talk about it with.

Full Transcript: Howshemoms.com

Links from this episode:

Read-Aloud Revival Podcast hosted by Sarah Mackenzie

• Episode 130 : Reading Aloud as an Obstinate Act of Love, with Meghan Cox Gurdon
• Episode 125: Master Class: Creating a Book Club Culture at Home (Part 1)

Village Book Builders

Everyday Reading

What Should I Read Next? Podcast, hosted by Anne Bogel

10 Things to Tell You Podcast, episode 1, When I Read, hosted by Bri McKoy

The Lazy Genius Podcast, hosted by Kendra Adachi

Book Lists:

Mensa K-3 reading list

Newbery Medal Winners

Read Kiddo Read

Everyday Reading

Books mentioned in this episode:

On Writing, by Stephen King

The Enchanted Hour, by Meghan Cox Gurdon

Read-Aloud Family, by Sarah Mackenzie

Read-alouds mentioned:

Petite Rouge: A Cajun Red Riding Hood, by Mike Artell

The Little Engine that Could, by Watty Piper

The Giver, by Lois Lowry

The Trumpet of the Swan, by E.B. White

Ramona Quimby series, Beverly Cleary

Harry Potter series, J.K. Rowling

Where the Red Fern Grows, by Wilson Rawls

The Hundred Dresses, by Eleanor Estes

A Monster Calls, by Patrick Ness

I love a good parenting controversy. And the topic of how (or if) to give kids money is a big one. There are two main sides to this debate: allowance vs. commission. In the allowance model, kids are paid a set weekly or monthly rate, independent of chores or other qualifications. The second approach is a commission system, a work-for-pay system wherein kids are paid for doing chores and making other contributions to the family. And then, of course, there’s a third option: not giving kids money at all.

Links from this episode:

How Lisa Teaches Kids About Money

How Sarah Teaches Kids About Money

3 Reasons I Don't Pay My Kids an Allowance, by Amanda Hamilton Roos

Allowance by Lisa Hoelzer, Betterwayparenting.net

Smart Money, Smart Kids, by Dave and Rachel Ramsey 

The Entitlement Trap, by Linda and Richard Eyre

The Opposite of Spoiled, by Ron Lieber

The Blessing of a B-, by Wendy Mogel. 

Links: 

• How Maria Teaches Kids to Work (Howshemoms.com)
• How Nichole Builds Family Relationships (Howshemoms.com)
• Teaching Your Children Responsibility by Linda and Richard Eyre
• How To Teach Your Kids to Do Chores without Resenting It (npr.org)
• The Anthropology of Childhood by David F. Lancy
• The Truth About Employee Engagement by Patrick Lencioni
• 3 Battles You Can Let Your Child Win (Episode 27, 3 in 30 Podcast)
• Getting Unmotivated Kids to Help (Episode 1, 3 in 30 Podcast)
• How to Keep Your Head Above Water (Family Looking Up Podcast)
• Good, Clean Fun for the Whole Family! (howshemoms.com)

 To read the full text of this episode, go to:

https://www.howshemoms.com/home/2019/9/9/how-she-motivates-kids-to-work

I like to think of my house as my laboratory, And one of one of my favorite places to experiment is with daily routines—in the morning, after school, and bedtime. They're self-contained periods of time in which specific things have to happen, but there are endless variations of how those things can happen. 

If one part of our day is particularly dysfunctional (and there's always something), I analyze it, identify the major pain points, and try different solutions until I find one that works for my five little lab rats. Then, I find myself actually looking forward to those tricky situations, so I can try my latest experiment.

This year I have more potential solutions than ever, thanks to the great ideas shared by my fabulous contributors. I have so many new experiments to try!

In this episode, I’m going to talk about some of the routine experiments we’ve tried. Some worked for a while and then stopped being relevant, some failed quickly, others are still going strong.

Links to resources mentioned in this episode:

Transcript of this episode, including photos of sock dispensers

Beyond Good Intentions, Episode 75, "Simplifying Your Family Schedule"

Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, by Marc Weissbluth

In episode 11, we talked about how to teach kids to clean. But knowing how to clean is a very different skill from knowing how to keep a house tidy. My kids can scrub a toilet, but they have no idea where they put their shoes and socks. 

In this episode, we’re going to talk about how to teach our kids to be tidy. In the first half we’ll unpack the concept of tidiness a bit. Tidiness, and its counterpart, messiness, is about more than stuff. It’s a surprisingly emotional topic. Teaching our kids to be tidy requires us to confront our own skills and habits. In the second half of the episode we’ll talk about all sorts of different techniques that moms use to teach their kids (and often themselves too) to be tidier.

Here is a list of links to books, podcasts, and blogs mentioned in this episode:

Blogs/Websites

How Emily Teaches Kids to Clean

How Lisa Teaches Kids to Clean

Flylady.net

Learn Do Become: Command Central

Books

The House that Cleans Itself by Mary Starns Clark

How to Manage Your Home Without Losing Your Mind by Dana K. White

Messy: The Power of Disorder to Transform Our Lives by Tim Harford

 Strengths-Based Parenting by Mary Reckmeyer

The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo

Podcasts

3 in 30 Podcast, episode 22: Cleaning Strategies for the Naturally Messy Mom

 3 in 30 Podcast, episode Getting Unmotivated Kids to Help

The Lazy Genius, episode 78: The Lazy Genius House Purge

The Lazy Genius, episode 103: The Lazy Genius Keeps the Car Clean 

Just Add Sprinkles, episode 31: The Art of Decluttering with Tidy Moose

It’s sometimes easier to think of things you love about motherhood when you're looking backwards or forward, thinking about what you miss from past stages, or what you look forward to in future stages. So I asked my Instagram readers what they loved and I came up with my own list. Then I asked my mother and mother-in-law for their lists. This was actually the best part about writing this post, and I encourage you all to ask your moms and mother-in-laws, or any other special moms in your lives, what they loved in each stage. I treasure their responses! 

This episode lists some of the things to love in each stage of motherhood (recognizing that these stages overlap if you have more than one child). The goal is for you to be able to look at your own stage from a different perspective, to make sure you don't take these lovable things for granted.

Links: 

"Treating Teens with Respect," blog post and video by Kristin Duke

All Joy and No Fun, by Jennifer Senior

Teaching children to clean is a daunting task, whether we have one child or 13. In this episode we talk about how to teach kids to clean, with an emphasis on what jobs different moms expect their children to do, how they train their children to do these jobs, and what systems they use, including Emily’s system.

Why My Kids Don’t Have Chores

Why I Don’t Make My Kids Do Chores

Books:

The Parenting Breakthrough, by Merrilee Boyack

Blog Posts:

Power of Families: Two Tips for a Clean and Happy Home

Mentoring Our Own: The Remedy to Chore Wars

Podcasts:

Edit Your Life Podcast, episode 149: How to Teach Kids Life Skills

Moms Who Know Podcast, December 17, 2017: Donna Goff: Family Work

NPR, Weekend Edition: How to Get Your Kids to Do Chores (Without Resenting It)

Family Looking Up, Episode 41: How To Raise Kids to Be Independent Adults, with Merrilee Boyack

Other Links:

Song For a Fifth Child

100 Life Skills You Can Teach Your Kids in Five Minutes or Less

Full text:

At the moment, Emily Widdison is a mother to 13 children. This number fluctuates, because she is a foster mom, but nine of those 13 are permanently hers. Mothering this many little people has a whole host of logistical challenges, not the least of which is keeping the house clean. And yet she does—for the most part. Or more accurately, they all do.

She started her current chore system about six years ago, when she went from four children to eight, all nine years old and under, including a brand-new baby. One morning after the kids left the house for school, the kitchen was just trashed, and she realized she couldn’t do this herself. So later that day, she sat her kids down and said, “I need help. It can’t be just one little job or just your room.” And the kids stepped up.“

Today’s episode is “How She Teaches Kids to Clean,” a daunting task whether we have one child at home or 13. Once I started researching, I realized what a monumental topic this is, so I’m actually splitting it up into three episodes: this one, about teaching kids to clean, another about how to teach kids to be tidy, and a third entitled “How She Motivates Kids to Work.”

In this first episode we’ll talk about how to teach kids to clean, with an emphasis on what jobs different moms expect their children to do, how they train their children to do these jobs, and what systems they use, including Emily’s system.

As always, I love a good controversy, and there’s plenty here. I have run across several articles written by mothers who don’t believe in giving their kids chores—even one that said that making children clean is tantamount to child abuse. I’ll link to a few of those articles in the show notes, if you’re interested, but for now I’ll just give a brief rundown of their arguments:

1. Let kids be kids. They have the rest of their lives to work.
2. Mundane household tasks are much easier to learn when kids are older. They’ll figure it out.
3. Kids should still have to pick up after themselves, clean up toys, and bring their plates over, just not do extra things like washing dishes, doing laundry, and scrubbing toilets.

Many of these moms in the no-chores camps were raised with no chores themselves, and they not only turned out alright but they run a household capably now.

If this is your philosophy, I still love you, but it doesn’t make for a very useful podcast episode, because the only tip for that strategy is: Don’t make your kids clean. So the rest of this episode will be based on the assumption that kids shouldbe doing work around the house.

Strategy

First let’s talk about strategy. If you’re new here, I always start each topic by talking about strategy and objectives. What are you trying to accomplish here? When it comes to teaching kids to clean, some obvious objectives are to:

1. Train kids to take care of themselves and a home
2. Teach kids the satisfaction of hard work.
3. Combat entitlement.
4. Lighten your workload.
5. Have a clean house.
6. Clean the house efficiently.

The problem is, some of these objectives are diametrically opposed. At least at first, putting kids in charge of household chores does not lighten your workload, and does not result in a very clean house. It’s a lot more work to teach a kid how to sweep the floor, for example, than to sweep it yourself. Even once the kid has the skills, it often takes you much less time to do it yourself than to actually get them to do it. And it takes kids a long time for a child’s cleaning skills in any given area to match your standards.

So, when you’re defining your personal strategy for teaching kids to clean, be very honest about how you prioritize these objectives, or any others. You also have to decide where you draw your cleanliness line. If you have pretty high standards for how clean you want your house to be, you might be more careful about what type of jobs you assign to kids. If you’re okay with a fair amount of chaos, you might want to delegate more to the kids.

For example, I grew up in a house with a fairly relaxed standard of cleanliness. This was intentional on my mother’s part. Framed on our wall was an excerpt from Ruth Hulbert Hamilton’s poem, “Song for a Fifth Child”:

“Oh, cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow, But children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow. So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust, go to sleep. I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.”

I’ll link to the full text of the poem, in my notes. http://aboverubies.org/index.php/ar-blogs/womens-daily-encouragement-blog/entry/song-for-a-fifth-child

As a result of this philosophy, our house was clean but cluttered. My mom taught us how to scrub our bathrooms, clean the kitchen, do our laundry, etc., but we all tolerated quite a bit of daily clutter. A common phrase my mom would sing out when someone came to the door was, “Come in if you can get in!”

On the other hand, my friend Lisa’s house is generally clutter-free and gleaming. I thought that to achieve that kind of clean, a mom would have to be yelling at her kids all the time, but Lisa’s motto is “Calm and Kind,” and she actually follows that motto. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have to work really hard to achieve this kind of lofty objective. Especially when her kids were younger, her high standards required a lot of hands-on training. This work is worth it to Lisa, because when the house gets messy, she gets anxious and unsettled.

It’s a great idea to be realistic and figure out where you fit in along this continuum. What kind of clean are you hoping to achieve?

Division of Labor

Part of figuring out your cleaning strategy is figuring out how you want to divide the labor. What tasks are you going to leave to the parents and what will the kids be in charge of?

One way to divvy up chores is to write up a list of all the chores that need to be done on a daily and weekly basis to keep the house running smoothly, and then have the kids help figure out who should do what. I have done this a few times, and it’s a great way for them to see visually how much work it requires to run a house—and how much of it I usually do by myself.

With a bit of creativity, you can think of chores that allow even the youngest members of your household to help. Young children are great at sorting clean silverware or dirty laundry. Sarah Fedotov created a great daily chore for her 6-year-old. His job is to collect any shoes he can find and line them up neatly in the closet.

Be careful about your expectations here, though. Before kids, Lisa had big plans for how she was going to start teaching her kids to clean as early as possible. This led to some very unnecessary power struggles with her three-year-old. She says, “Eventually, I learned to have pretty low expectations for cleaning skills for kids younger than eight. Their efforts are about the process rather than the product. Until age eight, my strategy for teaching my them to clean is to encourage them and make cleaning fun, with low expectations for the actual quality of the work. The goal is to let them practice working and get in the habit of helping.”

Another way to decide what your kids could or should be in charge of is to see what other kids are doing at their age.

You don’t have to start from scratch here, and it’s often better if you don’t, because often other people will think of jobs that hadn’t occurred to you. I have found many lists of age-appropriate chores online, and over the years I’ve cobbled together my own list based those lists.

My favorite list is the one Marilee Boyack, author of “The Parenting Breakthrough” created for her kids. She calls it The Plan, and in addition to cleaning jobs, it includes life skills such as making and keeping your own appointments and opening a bank account. It starts at age three with things like, “dress self,” “use toilet independently,” and “pick up toys,” continues through each age with things like learning to load and empty a dishwasher at age six, and mopping floors and baking cookies at age nine. By the time they’re teenagers, they should be able to do adult things like manage their money, maintain a car, and do minor household repairs. She used this list as a checkpoint with her kids, checking in often to make sure she taught the age-appropriate chores by the time her children reached the next year.

Another great list of chores and other life skills for chores is from Asha Dornfest and Christine Koh, hosts of the Edit Your Life Podcast. I’ll link to their list of 100 Life Skills You Can Teach Your Kids in Five Minutes or Lessand to their podcast episode about teaching kids life skills.

Donna Goff’s answer to the question of what kids should be in charge of is “everything”—eventually. For about 20 years, she used a traditional chore system, in which her seven children rotated through individual chores, complete with various iterations of charts and wheels. She realized that this system of individual chores was isolating her kids and isolating the jobs themselves, so the kids could clean a toilet, but they didn’t understand how to clean a bathroom from start to finish.

So she called her kids into the living room for a family meeting and ripped up the family chore chart. She told them they had a new system now, which she calls “Family Work.” She started this new plan of “Family Work” by going through and refining her household systems. Then she taught her children how to run each of those systems, according to their age and maturity level. Her young children became her shadows, making the daily household rounds with her, helping in whatever ways they could. For example, if she was doing laundry, she’d have a little one come along and help with the sorting, folding, and putting away. Eventually, this became more of an apprenticeship, with the child doing most of the work, under her guidance. Eventually, the children rotated through each of the systems, taking complete ownership of one system at a time, from deep cleaning to meal planning and prep. Then, when they left home, they had all the skills they needed to run an entire household.

You can hear Donna talk about her Family Work system on the Moms Who Know Podcast. You’ll have to go back a ways to the episode that aired on Dec. 27, 2017: Donna Goff: Family Work. Donna also runs her own website, mentoringourown.com.

Training

For most families, teaching kids to clean works like an old-fashioned apprenticeship. We can’t expect kids to jump right in and know how to sweep or start the washing machine. It usually starts with the child observing, then helping, then eventually taking over, like Donna Goff’s system.

This training can begin earlier than we think, if we’re willing to follow the example of indigenous Mexican and Guatemalan families. My brother sent me an amazing article from NPRabout researchers who studied a fascinating phenomenon. Children in these cultures not only did the chores their parents asked them to do, but they also were also self-motivated to see what needed to be done and do it without being asked. Every parent’s dream!

What was their secret? “Embrace the power of toddlers.” Often parents tend to shoo two-year-olds away so they can get work done. But toddlers are really eager to help. In the Mexican and Guatemalan cultures from this study, parents encouraged their toddlers to help and work alongside them. We could learn a lot from this, and start harnessing the power and enthusiasm of our two-year-olds. Of course it will be messy and take more time. But it’s an investment, and the payoff in relationship building, confidence, and gradual skill building is big.

The whole article is just fantastic. I’ll include a link in my show notes.

My favorite system for training kids to work is from Merrilee Boyack again. We already talked about her list. She uses this list as a guideline for her training program. First, she makes sure the kids know what skills they’re going to be learning. They become kind of a right of passage. Then she chooses who will train that child in each skill. She does a lot of the training herself, but she also likes to enlist other people to help train, like grandparents, teachers, church leaders, neighbors, or older siblings. For example, a neighbor taught one of her sons to change a bike tire. Of course she was careful not to have the trainers be people she knew and trusted and her kids were not alone with these other adults.

She then makes notecards with detailed instructions on them so the kids can practice after they’ve been trained. She sometimes supervises those practice sessions.

Saren Loosli, who runs the website poweroffamilies.comand has five children, trained her children to do specific chores, then actually certified them with a test and a bona fide certificate to prove their competence. Once they were certified, THEY became trainers for their younger siblings. 

Mary Price utilizes her older children as well. They’re in charge of making the list of Saturday chores and assigning them out so they take ownership. Then they choose a younger buddy to work with so the younger siblings can learn how to work. They love working with the big kids.

In the summer, Lisa likes to assign a “special helper” each week from among her four daughters. The daughter of the week helps her deep clean the kitchen, do the laundry, grocery shop, and plan and prepare the meals. It has worked really well because it’s easy for Lisa to remember who to call on for help, they enjoy spending time together that week, and the girls enjoy the extra attention. It’s also a great way to fill in the gaps if there are any skills her daughters haven’t yet mastered.

To check the quality of their kids’ work, Nanieve French and her friend used to dress up as cleaning fairies, complete with white gloves, and swap houses to inspect the the cleaning their friend’s children had done in their houses that day. The kids worked extra hard so they’d pass inspection.

Chore systems

OK, so now that the children have some training, it’s time to talk about work systems—how teaching kids to clean actually works on a day-to-day basis. This is usually where charts come in. The moms I talked to have differing thoughts about charts, and most of us have cycled through lots of them. This doesn’t mean they didn’t work. Most charts do work—until they don’t. They lose their novelty, kids grow out of them, or they need some tweaks. I collected photos of several different charts as I researched this topic, which you can find at howshemoms.com on the page for this episode, which I’ll link in my show notes.

A lot of these moms have landed on a system that finally worked for them, and they’re sticking with it. Others, like Merrilee Boyack think it’s good to mix things up and change systems regularly on purpose. To quote her once again, she says, “To use the same method of assigning chores all the time is incredibly dull; it’s no wonder the kids lose interest. So spice it up! Try new things! Switch it around after a few months.”

Every time I come up with a new system, I think I’m brilliant and that this will be the one. I’ve tried magnets, clipboards, checklists—you name it. But they all quickly fail because I have realized that I really hate maintaining charts. The best thing that works for me is just keeping an updated list of what I expect the kids to do before they can play, like cleaning their rooms and bathrooms and practicing their piano, and a using a simple wheel to rotate kitchen jobs.  

Lisa Hoelzer’s system is also pretty simple, mostly because she’s trained her daughters so well to be clean. We’ll talk a lot more about Lisa’s tidiness training in the next episode. But as for her chore system, her daughters rotate who has kitchen duty each day. Otherwise, they all pick up after themselves throughout the week and then have bathroom, vacuuming, dusting and other chore assignments on Saturday.

Rather than a set list or chart, Audra Schwenkler makes new lists for her kids each day, based on their schedules and what they need to get done.

Saren was tired of devoting every Saturday to cleaning, with kids scattering to finish job lists and parents getting after them to complete half-finished jobs. So she created a new system she calls bite-sized daily housework. Each day, each child picks one task from the list of chores and completes it in 5-10 minutes. Then on Saturdays they just do a few larger jobs together, like yard work or deep-cleaning one area of the house. 🧽 You can print Saren’s list at https://poweroffamilies.com/two-tips-for-a-clean-and-happy-home/ 

As we talked about at the beginning of this post, Emily’s chore system starts with a wheel that specifies which kitchen jobs and extra jobs her kids have to do each day. But she also has a magnetic chart with lists of the morning and afternoon jobs that don’t rotate, so they can keep track of what they’ve done. Once they finish their morning chores, the reward is that they get to have “morning free time,” which means they can   

The other layers of wheels have a dinner job and then a room that they’re in charge of keeping tidy. Recently, however, Emily has been ignoring that outer layer and just asking her kids to come to her to tell them what job she needs done at the moment. She calls these mom jobs. She also assigns extra mom jobs:

The other part of her system is a magnetic chart with the rest of their jobs. It’s split into two parts—their morning jobs and their after school jobs. So each morning before school, they have to get ready for school, do their morning kitchen chore, clean their room, make their bed, make their lunch, put their stuff by the door, and practice their instrument. If they get their morning jobs done, the big reward is that they get morning free time before school. Emily’s job is monitor them all to make sure they get all their morning chores done before morning free time.

After school, they have to put their stuff away, eat a snack, do a 10-minute speedy cleanup, do their homework, and do their dinner jobs. The kids keep track of what chores they do on their magnet charts, and then their allowance is based on that. Emily’s husband, Kyle, resets the board every night and keeps track of the allowance. They pay the youngest kids in fake gold coins, which they can redeem at “The Mom Store” for prizes she keeps in her closet, but pays the older kids with real money. Emily and I are working on a blog post that will go into more detail of her whole system. I’ll let you know when I post it.

In case any of these examples made it seem way too easy to teach kids to clean and then get them to actually do it, I will unabashedly admit that this is a weak spot for my family. On the very day that I’m finishing this episode, my children spent all of two minutes pulling the weeds we asked them to pull, and our kitchen is a mess. Some days are better, some are worse. But we keep trying. And now I have a lot of new things to try.

Solitude is a precious commodity for moms, especially when the kids are little. Sometimes entire weeks go by without a minute alone. This is the time of life when going grocery shopping alone or even going to the dentist can feel like a big vacation.

Yet setting aside some time and space for yourself is an important way to recharge and help you feel like a real person.

Over the years, I’ve figured out several strategies for sneaking in some islands of precious time and space for myself, even if it’s just a few minutes here and there. In this episode, I split them up into two categories—Mom time and Mom space—with six ideas apiece.

Links from this episode:

Extraordinary Moms Podcast, episode 213: Self-Date Night

3 in 30 Podcast, Episode 29: Making the Most of Everyday Moments to Connect with Our Kids

The Miracle Morning, by Hal Elrod

Full text:

Seven years ago, my husband and I went to Costa Rica with his family and left our then three children (ages 5, 3, and 1), with my parents. This was the first time we'd been on a trip without our kids, and it felt both luxurious and strange to get on a plane without them. Navigating the airport was a breeze, and I actually read a book on the plane! When we arrived at our vacation rental, we were amazed. We could see the ocean from the pool patio. Monkeys were just hanging out in the tropical trees and iguanas sauntered across the lawn. It was paradise. And I was a crazy person. 

Instead of relaxing and enjoying the view or heading to explore the beach, I was running around to all the bedrooms, taking it upon myself to help figure out where everyone should sleep, especially the family that had brought their young son. I had this nagging worry that no one had started to cook the dry beans that we had bought for dinner— and you know how long beans take to cook!! I ran to start simmering the beans, and then set about unpacking and settling into my room. I was in full-on-mom mode, even though no one there needed to be mothered—especially not by me. And then I burned the beans. 

Appalled and embarrassed that I had burned dinner, I retreated to my bedroom for a little navel gazing. When had I become this person? Was I even capable of enjoying this amazing vacation? Had motherhood turned me into a micro-managing freak?

Happily, a good night's sleep and a little time at the beach transformed me from Mom with a capital M into a real person. In a few more days, I was not only a person, I was Whitney. I laughed out loud at my book ("Good Omens" by Terri Pratchett and Neil Gaiman), quoting annoyingly from it to anyone in the vicinity. I woke up early to read my scriptures and write in my journal by the pool. I hiked, explored, and frolicked in the waves. 

And then came the most astonishing moment of the trip. Everyone else walked down to the beach and I stayed behind to grab my beach gear. Soon I looked around me and realized I was alone. Alone! I felt so weird and wonderful, and that feeling made me realize how long it had been since I was completely alone, with no obligation to anyone else. My family at the beach was going to have fun whether I was there or not. So I decided not to go. I grabbed my book and hopped on a pool float. I read until I got hot, jumped into the pool, and even practiced my diving because no one was there to judge. I sang out loud. I read and wrote some more. It was one of the best moments of my life, a moment in which I felt completely myself. It was like I was on my own little island—alone.

That day helped me realize how rare and wonderful solitude can be for moms, especially in those early years of motherhood, before any of your kids are in school and before any of them are old enough to babysit. In her book, “All Joy and No Fun” (perhaps the best title ever written about parenthood) Jennifer Senior referred to this time of parenthood as “The Bunker Years.” You spend a lot of time at home, yes, because of naps and such, but even when you’re out and about, you’re out and about with kids, so the trips are usually short and hectic. Not only that, but for much of the time, you don’t even have your body to yourself, between breastfeeding and pregnancy. This subset of the Bunker Years is what I call the Body-Sharing Years. Someone is always touching you.

The intensity of the Bunker Years may be a bit more acute for moms who don’t have another job elsewhere, but even for moms that do, they’re usually around people all day at work and then around people at home after work. Sometimes entire weeks go by without a minute alone. This is the time of life when going grocery shopping alone or even going to the dentist can feel like a big vacation.

I’m sure I’m not the only mom who identified with Flynn Rider on Tangled when he sang his dream: “On an island that I own, tanned and rested and alone, surrounded by enormous piles of money.” I’m also pretty sure I’m not the only mom who makes Disney-movie references even when talking to other adults.

The other fantasy I think many moms share is that fleeting idea, when you find yourself actually alone in a car: “What if I just kept driving…” Of course with no real intentions of doing so. Jessica Dahlquist admitted on a podcast episode that that she once drove by a hospital and thought, “If only I could have a little something wrong so I could just go in there and rest.” The crazy part is, I bet most of you who are listening can relate.

A word about mom guilt here. It’s OK to feel a little desperate for some time to yourself. And it’s OK to actually schedule in that alone time. It may feel selfish or ungrateful to take time for yourself when there’s so much on your to-do list and so many people on your to-be-with list. But in my experience with moms, especially moms of young kids, it’s rare to find a mom who takes too much time for herself. If the balance starts to tip that direction, you’ll feel it, and you can scale back.

I am two years past the bunker years, and I’ll tell you, it’s pretty great. Once my oldest son was old enough to watch the others I could leave them with him to go shopping, run errands, or even just go on a bike ride. But there are still times—ahem, Summer Break—when it’s hard for Momma to get a little space.

Over the years, I’ve figured out several strategies for sneaking in some islands of precious time and space for myself, even if it’s just a few minutes here and there. I’m going to split them up into two categories—Mom time and Mom space—with six ideas apiece.

One of my favorite strategies comes from one of my favorite podcasters, Jessica Dahlquist, of Extraordinary Moms. In episode 213, she talks about how she goes on a weekly self-date night. This was actually a solution her husband came up with, when she was talking about how she just needed some time alone. He said, “Why don’t you just go on a date night by yourself every Thursday night.” He puts the kids to bed while she goes out to do whatever she feels like doing that night, whether it’s shopping without kids, going to a movie, getting some good food, or just going on a walk. So simple, yet so smart. And so refreshing.

Weekends are supposed to be a break to recharge from the stress of the week. Not so much for moms. Several years ago I found myself feeling resentful about weekends. My husband and kids wanted to use the weekend to recharge and relax from a busy week of school and work. But someone still has to do the work of feeding and cleaning up, etc. And with everyone home, that work multiplies. That meant the weekend was actually my busiest time of the week.

I could have laid down the law and insisted that we all split the work, or that we spend every Saturday doing chores together. But I believe in weekends! I wanted them to enjoy their days off. I especially didn’t want to spend every Saturday cleaning. I wanted to be out spending time and going on adventures together.

Finally I found a solution. I needed a weekend too, and the actual weekend was not my time. I started picking one day a week, usually a Wednesday just to break things up, and I designated that day as my personal weekend. Now I never miss it.

Most of what makes a day a weekend is a mindset. I just kind of take it easy on my weekend, fixing slacker meals or serving leftovers, taking time to read, exercise, hike, or whatever else I feel like doing. Sometimes I get a babysitter, other times I just involve whichever children aren’t in school in my leisurely day. And I usually let them watch a bit more tv than usual.

The best result of this change in routine is that I’m no longer resentful of actual weekends. Now that I have my own, I’m eager to help the rest of my family really enjoy theirs.

If you have another job in addition to being a mom and can’t pick a weekday, you could split the weekend up or just designate a set amount of time over the weekend for yourself. Karlee Rehrer, a mom and dental hygienist, takes a two-hour mom weekend every Sunday afternoon. Her kids and husband know that this is her time and they entertain each other. She usually just spends the time in her room, napping, reading—whatever she wants to do.

To take alone time a step further, if you can swing it, treat yourself to an occasional night away—even once a year—all by yourself. Often we think of planning a getaway with our spouses, but it can be even easier to figure out a night by yourself, because you don’t have to find a babysitter. And sometimes it’s just what you need. This doesn’t have to be expensive or elaborate. You could get creative here—maybe you just ask a good friend if you can housesit for a night while they’re on vacation. But just a night or two where you don’t have to put anyone to bed, make food for anyone else, and you can sleep uninterrupted for as long as you want can be priceless.

A great example of a mom who did this is for a while, April Perry, founder of Power of Moms and Learn, Do, Become, got a hotel room for herself one night a month so she could make the time to write a book about her mother, who had Alzheimer’s Disease. She would then read chapters of that book to her mother and father each Thursday when she went to visit them. Because of those weekends away, she was able to finish her beautiful book, Thursdays with Zoe. She talks about this book on Episode 29 of the 3 in 30 Podcast.

I don’t know why, but with my first few babies, I thought I could only justify getting a babysitter if I needed one—if I had an important appointment that I couldn’t bring them to or if I was going on a date with my husband. But I’m giving you permission right now to get a babysitter even if you just want to go throw rocks in a lake by yourself for an hour.

This doesn’t have to be expensive. Most of my babysitting, especially on weekdays when teenagers are in school, comes in the form of babysitting swaps. I was part of an official babysitting co-op for a while, but usually I just find a friend or two whose kids are compatible with mine and we set up a swapping system. This past year, my friend and I alternated Thursday afternoons.

I’m also a strong believer in the power of threes—teaming up with two other friends for a babysitting swap, so you get two-out-of three babysitting sessions free.

This is when you can start claiming part of each day as your own. For me, it’s the morning. I can vividly remember a time in high school when I decided I wanted to be a morning person. I started waking up early on my own and enjoying some time to myself as I got ready for the day. As the oldest of five myself, alone time was rare then too. I still love waking up before everyone else and having that time to myself to relax, be alone, and prepare myself for the day ahead. It’s also when I do my best writing. Last year, I read the book Miracle Morning, by Hal Elrod, which gives a great blueprint for starting your day with a rejuvenating morning. He uses the acronym SAVERS to guide his morning routine:

S—Silence

A—Affirmations

V—Visualization

E—Exercise

R—Reading

S—Scribing

On the other hand, you can gain a lot of freedom by being strict about bedtime and designating a specific time of night as “adult time.” Notice how I say this as if it’s a simple thing. To me it is not. Perhaps it’s because I wake up so darn early, usually around 5 a.m., but am not very good at firm bedtime boundaries. It tends to drag on and on at my house.

But I do know moms who are really good at getting their kids to bed early and consistently. My friend Rachel Beckstead’s kids go to bed by 7:00, and they know not to mess with adult time. Even if they’re still awake, they stay in their rooms. This gives Rachel the whole evening to spend some time with her husband and by herself as well. For lots of moms, this is their best time to carve out some alone time.

Nap time is a naturally occurring break or two in your day when you have young kids. It’s easy to get in the habit of scurrying around during this time, trying to get work done that is difficult to do when kids are awake. I definitely fell into this trap for a long time. I’d work so hard during nap time that I was exhausted when the babies woke up. But then, a few babies in, I realized that I could use this time to recharge too—either to catch up on sleep, just relax and breathe for a minute, or even sit and read a book.

Some moms are really good at enforcing “quiet time” for their kids even after they’re done taking naps—a great way to prolong this time for everyone to recharge.

The shower is a magical place where a mom can be alone with enough white noise to drown out most of the other noise in the house. I have gotten some of my greatest inspiration in the shower. I once wrote a poem about how this tiny shower cell was actually the most liberating space in my house. I have no idea where that poem went, but it was a masterpiece. I wrote it in the shower.

Granted, there are some times in a mom’s life where you really can’t take a shower without a baby seat in the bathroom with you. Often this means an entire shower with a screaming or whining child. That certainly doesn’t count as alone time.

But once your child is past that baby stage, the shower or even a nice soak in the bath can be a great place for a quick dose of solitude. I know it might not be popular with some, but I’ve found that the only way to keep my small children from walking in and out of the bathroom at will while I’m taking a shower is to put on a show for the duration of the shower, and usually while I’m getting ready too. I do not feel guilty about this. I often use the time while I’m getting ready to catch up on some podcasts or audiobooks.

I believe in sharing family meals. But there are three a day. You can afford to have at least one to yourself. Breakfast and lunch may be the best opportunities, because they’re usually less formal than the family dinner. Sometimes I eat before the kids eat, sometimes after, but never while they’re eating, because then I would surely be interrupted.

When the weather’s nice, I love a good breakfast alone on my back deck to just enjoy the quiet, sit still, and enjoy the view. Julie Cornwell uses her private breakfast time to catch up on reading and personal study.

Whether it’s your bedroom, a home office, or even just a closet, designate a retreat for yourself in your home where you can be alone and find peace, even if it’s for a few minutes at a time. In one of my favorite parenting books of all time, “The Blessing of a Skinned Knee,” Wendy Mogel advises that you set boundaries for your kids about respecting your space, particularly your bedroom. Teach them to knock before they enter, and that your room is not a place to leave their toys, books, or other possessions.

Crystal Evans is a mom and school teacher. She retreats to her room for 15 minutes right after work each day for a quick stretch of downtime before she faces a busy evening with her children. She explained to them that she needs them to respect this time, but then for the rest of the night, she’s theirs.

Another place you can be alone is in the car. I remember when I first got my driver’s license and drove in a car all by myself. It was an exhilerating feeling. I remember driving to and from work singing as loudly and dramatically as I could. Again with the singing.

Obviously, when you have young kids you’re rarely alone in a car, and, also obviously, you can’t just drive off and leave them. But I have used the car as a very brief escape when I had a super colicky baby who wouldn’t stop screaming no matter what I tried. I made sure the baby was safe in his crib and I just went out and sat in the car in the garage just to give my ears a brief respite. A few minutes was enough time to regroup, calm myself, and go back inside to keep trying.

My mom used to linger alone in the car in our driveway with the doors shut after we all scrambled out. I used to think she was so weird. But of course I totally do that now.

When my kids were younger, I would always be the one to volunteer to pick people up from the airport, just to have that drive to myself. And a work commute can be a great time to collect yourself before heading home to the kids.

My teenager and I were arguing one night and it was clear we needed to table the discussion, get some sleep, and resume the conversation when we were both rested and more sane. So I said goodnight and hopped in the car. I drove around in silence for a while, letting myself cool down, and then realized I was hungry. I pulled into the Wendy’s drive-through at 10:00 pm. The window guy took a while to recognize that I was there and take my order, and he apologized profusely. I just said, “Who am I to judge. I’m the one at a Wendy’s drivethrough in my pajamas at 10:00.”

To make myself sound even more pathetic, I’ve also had many a good cry in a car in a deserted parking lot.

One of my favorite places to be alone is just outside at my own home. When I lived in a house with a lawn larger than a postage stamp, I used to love to mow it. The noise of the mower blocked everything else out, and I was alone with my thoughts. I wrote some great essays while mowing.

I also love weeding. It’s such a mindless activity. You can just sit and think and pull one satisfying weed after another.

Audra Elkington loves to start her day on her front porch for just 5-10 minutes, soaking in the sun, listening to birds chirp, and meditating.

Even if you’re pushing a stroller, going on a walk or jog can feel like alone time. The kids enjoy it too, and getting out together is so therapeutic. This was a little tricky in the winter for the nine years I lived in Minnesota, but luckily everything in our city was connected by underground tunnels, so we’d just drive downtown and walk through the burrows.

Any kind of path can be a great place to get some space. I remember a particularly rough night with five kids between 1 and 10. As soon as my husband walked in the door I handed him the baby, grabbed my running shoes, and just ran out my pent-up aggression.

My favorite kind of alone time is cycling. I got a road bike two years ago, and I love riding for miles and miles. I never bring headphones—I just think and think. I write essays in my head and make up songs to the rhythm of my pedaling.

Whatever your own unique mom life looks like, find those little islands of time and space to sneak in a bit of alone time to practice being yourself. There's nothing like motherhood to teach you just how beautiful solitude can be. 

Traveling when you have kids takes patience, planning, and creativity—even if you're leaving them home—but it can be done! And, usually, it’s worth all the pain. In this episode, we talk about family travel strategy, packing, flying with kids, road trips with kids, and more. 

Here are links to some great blogs and podcasts that I mention in this episode: 

Podcasts

Extraordinary Moms Podcast: "Tips for Packing with Jennica Woodbury"

Jessica Dahlquist interviews Jennica Woodbury of mommyconvos.com and they both share great family packing ideas for both air and road trips.

Family Looking Up, Episode 31: "Traveling as a Family" 

My favorite podcasting trio talks to Kam and Shani of Our Family Passport about how and why they travel to exotic (and some not-so-exotic) places as a family. It's a fun listen, and packed with great ideas. It will inspire you to be adventurous. 

Family Looking Up, Episode 79 “How To Travel as a Family and Actually Enjoy It”

If you’re hesitant about traveling with kids this interview with Jessica Dabelich may just change your mind. Yes, it’s a lot of work, but the memories are worth it!

The Mom Hour, Episode 185: Road Trips and Air Travel with Babies, Toddlers, and Kids

Sarah has flown a lot with kids, and Meagan is an expert at road trips. Together, they created a great podcast episode full of great traveling hacks.

What Fresh Hell, Episode 20: Vacationing with Kids: What to Pack

Great packing tips with a dose of humor and a slight ziplock obsession.

Travel Blogs

Flyingwithfour.com: Jessica Dabelich shares her family travel adventures with four small children, including lots of great articles with travel tips, packing lists, and great destinations.

Our Family Passport: A family of ten that has traveled to over 40 different countries together. They share tips for the logistics of traveling, plus location-specific, family-friendly recommendations for what to do once you get there.

Power of Moms: If you haven't yet discovered Power of Moms, you'll thank me for hooking you up. Saren Loosli has written the definitive family road trip article here. It also links to several other great travel posts from the site. 

CSGinger.com Candice is an intrepid traveler with her twins, now three years old. She has great tips for traveling domestically and abroad with littles. 

3kidstravel.com One of the best parts of this site is the interviews with other families that travel. Elise has great insights of her own and a knack for finding other intrepid traveling families. 

Adventure Together Christina McEvoy and Rachel Von share fabulous tips and destination-specific travel guides for families. 

travelmamas.com A great resource for traveling with kids, including some fabulous packing lists.

thepointsguy.com Go-to resource for travel deals and navigating credit card, airline, and hotel points.

A Mother's Day tribute to my funny mom. She shares some great stories!

Every mom is a career mom. Some moms have another career on top of their mom gig, but it doesn’t diminish the fact that this is a long-term, strategic career. It’s a challenging career, but the perks put health plans and 401Ks to shame—the first smiles and giggles, that indescribable feeling of having your baby fall asleep in your arms. And that newborn smell…. Then there’s the first joke they tell that is actually funny, that adorable dance recital, the late-night heart-to-hearts. It’s the most rewarding career.

In this post, we’re going to talk about several different moms, and how they strategize in their own motherhood careers. Specifically, we’ll talk about how they create deliberate family cultures, often complete with a family mission statement, how they set goals, and how they include their families in their big-picture planning.

Here are links to more in-depth articles about the moms featured in this episode, as well as podcast episodes and books I mention.

Profiles

How Josie Strategizes: The Lauducci family lives a life of simplicity, togetherness, and global awareness—on a 40-foot sailboat. Family blog: afamilyafloat.com; Instagram: @afamilyafloat.com

How Kelli Cultivates Curiosity: Kelli’s kids ask a lot of questions—which is precisely what she was hoping for. Instagram: @raisingcuriousminds

How Andrea Strategizes: Andrea loves to think big and make ambitious goals for her future. Her husband—not so much. Here’s how they’ve built a family culture that works for the whole family. Website:betterscreentime.com

How Leisle Strategizes: Leisle and her husband Vinh dedicate a weekend each year to plan out their life and family goals. By sticking to their vision, they have created a value-driven, generous family culture.

How Jessica Strategizes: This year, Jessica decided to schedule monthly family fun days, each with a different purpose. Instagram: @flyingwithfour

How Sarah Strategizes: Sarah Nielsen chooses one word as her personal theme each year, and then paints the word into a beautiful piece of art to hang on her wall as a reminder. Website: sarahnielsonart.com

How Jen Plans Meals: (This post is not what I talked to Jen about on this podcast, but if you liked her ideas here, you'll also like what she had to say about family meal planning.)

Jodi Chaffee: Our Modern Heritage Podcast

Jillian Johnsrud: montanamoneyadventures.com

Podcasts

Family Looking Up Podcast

Episode 47: Doing Less to Have More, with Jillian Johnsrud

Books

The Parenting Breakthrough by Merrilee Boyack

Links to podcasts mentioned in this episode:

3 in 30 Podcast, episode 16: "How to Be the Mom You Are Instead of the Mom You Think You Should Be"

The Women With Fire, episode 51: "Jamie Cook of Wander and Scout"

One Mother's Day, Lori Brescia's kids came home from church with questionnaires they had filled out about her. Under "Favorite Food," they had answered "hot dogs," "pizza," "macaroni and cheese." Under favorite color, they wrote, "orange," "blue," "red." The same pattern emerged for her favorite activities and even hair color: they had no clue. 

Lori fed them lunch so they'd have some stamina, and sat her family down in a row on the couch, including her husband. "Today is Mother's Day," she said, "and I can't help noticing that these questionnaires you filled out today are really about you, and not me. I am not just an extension of you. I'm my own person." 

She spent the next 45 minutes telling them stories about her life. She paced up and down the room, explaining what makes her laugh, what makes her happy, what makes her sad. She told stories from when she was a child and when she taught high school. She shared what she loves about being a mom, but also all the other things she loves to do. They laughed together at the funny stories, and Lori even cried a few times talking about some of her more emotional experiences. At one point, one son said, "This is all about you, mom." "Exactly," she replied, and kept going.

That Mother's Day has itself become part of the Brescia family lore. They laugh about it every year. But you better believe those kids are really good at filling out those questionnaires now.

Mahatma Ghandi said, "The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others." Many mothers are really good at the "lose yourself" part and the "service" part, but forget that the goal in the first half of the sentence is to "find yourself." Depending on how you approach it, motherhood can help you develop, discover, and refine who you really are, or it can usurp your identity until you define yourself only by that role. Then when the kids leave the house, they leave you with an identity crisis, no discernible hobbies or interests, and a lot of time on your hands.   

Last summer, I hiked my first 14er (a mountain above 14,000 feet) with my husband. Wading through wildflowers and streams, burning my lungs and my legs, and looking out at endless peaks and valleys, I felt a sudden explosion of joy and thought, "This is who I am." I almost needed to reintroduce myself to this person. In high school, I defined myself by mountains. Not a week went by that I wasn't fishing in them, hiking in them, rock climbing in them, or at least gazing at them with wonder. Now here I was living in Colorado and maybe making it up to the mountains every other month. 

That day on Mt. Harvard made me think about the other things that define who I am. Yes, I am a mother. And that is a huge part of my identity. But I am also a writer, reader, pianist, singer, chef, cyclist, dancer, hiker, climber, tennis player, teacher, public speaker, and a believer in God. I've gone through long periods of time where I haven't done some of these things, but they're still part of who I am. 

I have also spent a lot of my life feeling like an imposter. When I discovered rock climbing in high school, I didn't call myself a climber, even though I went once a week. I wasn't an expert, so I didn't think I could claim the title. For years as a young mother, I didn't call myself a writer, even though I had worked as a professional writer for years, because I wasn't currently writing. I didn't claim to be a singer, even though that is a huge part of my everyday life, because I rarely performed and because it sounded like bragging. 

But I've come to believe that you can and should claim anything you love and that defines who you are, no matter how skilled or professional you are. Even someone who can't carry a tune should be able to claim that they're a singer if they love it and do it a lot. 

This especially applies to motherhood. Who doesn't feel like an imposter when they bring that first baby home? Suddenly you're in charge of this needy little creature and you're supposed to have all the answers. Little by little, we gain the required skills, but we get that title, Mom, right away.

At every stage, with every new child, I feel imposter syndrome again. I don't know what the heck I'm doing. But I am Mom, and I claim that title wholeheartedly.

It's also OK not to claim stuff. I am not a crafter, painter, stylist, shopper, interior designer, or aesthetician. I don't decorate my house for any holiday besides Christmas. My children's church doodles have far surpassed my own. I'm fine with that.

There are infinite versions of both Woman and Mom. We all get to create our own version. In an interview on the podcast "The Women with Fire" Jamie Cook, said, "I can be whatever kind of mom I want to be. I can be really fit, I can be really clean and organized, I can be an amazing cook, I can be a really fun mom, but I can't be all those versions of a mom at one time." (Jamie's fabulous Instagram account is @wanderandscout.) As our version of motherhood evolves and changes to meet different phases of our lives, we pick up new interests and talents that enrich our lives.  

 One of my favorite podcast episodes is "How to Be the Mom You Are Instead of the Mom You Think You Should Be," an interview on "The 3 in 30 Podcast" with Julie Bastedo. She made a list of all the things she does not do as a mother, including organizing playdates, skiing, camping, blogging or podcasting, and doing anything (including exercise) excessively and gave herself permission not to do them.

She does not feel bad about this list at all. She says, "I realized, well of course those are things I cannot do, or never do, or do not enjoy doing, because those things have nothing to do with who I am.... We are constantly reading on social media or reading in parenting books or following on television all of these things as mothers that we are supposed to be. And very infrequently do we recognize who we really are." 

Julie then made a list of all the things she does do well as a mother to contribute to her family, including patience, reading good literature (and applying what she learns from it to motherhood), reading aloud, and teaching. We all have things to add to both lists, and we might as well embrace those lists.  

I'll end with a list of some of the amazing mothers I know and the things that things that give them that "This Is Who I Am" feeling, to get you thinking about the unique attributes you bring to your version of motherhood: 

• Juliana is a painter. She paints when she can, and teaches her kids (and other people's kids) to paint. This spring, she left her five kids with her husband for a weekend and went on an art retreat with her sister.

• Molly is good at family finance. She likes to have her own finances in order and likes to help others do the same.

• Jennifer is a teacher and a swimmer. Even though she could easily argue that she doesn't have time for it with her six children, she teaches swim lessons every May and June to share both of these gifts with others and to feel like herself.

• Sarah feels most like herself when she is baking. This year, she opened up a cookie shop from her home.

• Ashley is a crafter and inventor. She has turned this talent into a hugely successful website and business called Make It and Love It, with brilliant ideas and tutorials.

• Susan, my mom, is a genealogist. She dabbled with this hobby while she was raising us, but now that we're grown, she treats it as a part-time job and is really good at it.

• My sisters, Hayley and Cassie, are singers, and now sing together professionally in a trio while raising their young families.

• Sandy is an accomplished dancer who now cultivates that talent by sharing it with students at the gym. (I am one of the lucky beneficiaries.)

Whatever your brand of motherhood, embrace it, cultivate it, and spend time doing those things that make you feel like you!

Entitlement is a first-world problem. And it's an embarrassing problem to admit, because it sounds like we're whining about our good fortune: "It's just so hard to raise kids when we have enough money to buy them things...." But just because we're embarrassed that we spoil our children doesn't mean we should ignore the fact nor let it persist.

This month I went on a quest for an antidote to the raging entitlement epidemic. I gravitated to four main books on the topic, though there are many more great ones out there: 

The Opposite of Spoiled, by Ron Lieber

The Entitlement Trap, by Richard and Linda Eyre

The Blessing of a Skinned Knee, by Wendy Mogel

Smart Money, Smart Kids, by Dave Ramsey and Rachel Cruze

As I was researching, I compiled a list of 12 things we can teach our children so they don't turn into spoiled brats:

1. Scarcity

2. Contentment

3. Gratitude

4. Generosity

5. Perspective

6. Hard work

7. Ownership

8. Patience

9. Thrift

10. Consequences

11. Transparency

12. Good Role Models

To read the article this podcast was based on, click here.

Learning how to manage money wisely is one of those lessons that has to be learned from experience, and watching our kids make money mistakes can be painful. This episode discusses brilliant examples of how moms are teaching their kids about money, from establishing family economic systems to setting up bank accounts, to having kids help manage family finances.

Here are some links to additional resources on howshemoms.com:

The Great Allowance Debate — A cheesy mock debate between a commission-based system of paying children, an allowance-based system, and no system at all.

Brataphobia — Afraid of raising spoiled brats? Here are twelve antidotes to the entitlement epidemic, from four great books.

How Lisa Teaches Her Kids About Money — Lisa pays her daughters a weekly allowance, independent of chores.

How Sarah Teaches Her Kids About Money — Beginning at age 9, Sarah's kids earn money for completing their daily chores, and buy most of what they need or want for themselves.

Connecting with our kids is the big “why” of motherhood—the payoff for all the hard work and sacrifice. Sometimes it comes naturally and easy, sometimes it’s more complicated, and sometimes it’s unspeakably hard. But even then, we keep trying, because that’s what moms do.

In this episode, I share ideas about how moms connect with their kids, organized into eight main ideas:

1. Plan Connection Opportunities into Your Routine

2. Make Time to Talk

3. Show Interest in their Interests

4. Play Together

5. Work Together

6. Carve Out One-on-One Time

7. Tell Them You Love Them

8. Identify Pain Points and Find a Workaround

You can find articles about many of the moms I talked to on the podcast at howshemoms.com, by clicking on the links below:

How Lori Builds Relationships

How Nichole Builds Relationships

How Jana Builds Relationships

How Emerald Creates Routines

How the Slade Family Serves

Here are the podcast episode I mentioned, plus a few other great ones for more ideas about how to connect with your kids:

Family Looking Up:

Episode 69 Loving Kids When They Act Unloveable

What Fresh Hell:

Episode 51: Getting Your Kids to Talk to You

3 in 30 Podcast:

Episode 26: How to Praise When It Seems Like There’s Nothing to Praise

Episode 50: How to Actually Listen to Your Children

Episode 41: How to Really See Your Children and Help Them See You

Episode 38: Get Teenagers to Talk to You

Episode29: Making the Most of Everyday Moments to Connect with Your Child

To my surprise, Seabiscuit, by Laura Hillenbrand, turned out to be one of the best parenting books I’ve ever read.

We all have to wear clothes, and it’s better for everyone if they’re clean when we do. But even though we all do laundry, it’s not something we talk about very much. In this episode, we get down and dirty with laundry strategies and systems from several different moms.

The How She Moms Podcast is coming soon!