How to Be with the Partner You Picked

“Our memory is shit,” says couples therapist and author of We Do Stan Tatkin. “It can’t be relied on, and our perception is like a fun-house mirror…. And so that should give way to more cautiousness, more consideration, and more curiosity than we tend to have, especially in love relationships.” Tatkin’s approach to helping couples develop “secure-functioning relationships” is both realistic and optimistic. His work helps people better understand their partners so that they can become the best possible team together. Tatkin is a proponent of dependency in a relationship—and of not making that a dirty word anymore. His perspective on parenting—and not putting a child at the center of your universe—is also compelling. As for deal breakers in a relationship: Yes, he says, they exist, although sometimes what might appear to be a deal breaker is actually wholly resolvable. And if you’re looking for a relationship, Tatkin says forget thinking about the perfect person, and consider your perfect relationship. (For more, see The goop Podcast hub.)

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