4144 - "I've never heard a yeshiva student speak in such a tone to do as they wish.

A yeshiva student is meant to grow in fear of heaven, Torah, and mitzvot to perfection. That's also why you deal with strange thoughts that confuse you. I suggest you deliberate in front of your teachers and do as they instruct you. Don't engage in your bad thoughts; change your thoughts to positive ones and look inside a sefer. https://www.torahrecordings.com/rebbe/igroskodesh/012/006/4144