Trashy Royals

Life after the death of her husband, King James IV of Scotland, was not simple for Margaret Tudor, at least not at first. Her quick marriage to Archibald Douglas, 6th Earl of Angus, happened while she was unaware of his long relationship with another woman. Her royal status in Scotland was complicated - fairly massively - by the fact that her brother, King Henry VIII, was responsible for the battlefield death of her husband, The King.

The Archibald Douglas marriage didn't help either, as allying herself with the Douglas family ignited factionalism in the Scottish court, resulting in her regency being revoked. When she became pregnant, she fled to England, and while Archibald returned to Scotland soon after, her brother welcomed her to court in London. After a year-long negotiation, she returned to Scotland, where she learned what a lout her second husband truly was.

Meanwhile, her sister Mary in London was busy having babies with her second husband, Charles Brandon, and Henry VIII was beginning to explore relations outside of his marriage, having failed to obtain a living son with Catherine of Aragon. Their messy, messy story continues next week here at Trashy Royals on As The Tudors Turn!

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After his father shipped his sister Margaret off to be the Queen of Scotland, it fell to Henry VIII to manage his baby sister Mary's love life. A genuine beauty, France's King Louis XII, then 52, was undoubtedly happy to walk down the aisle with the 18-year-old English princess. The bliss would not last, as just three or so months later, Louis was dead, with salacious whispers in the French court that Mary had "intercoursed" him to death. Ah, the 16th century.

But this wasn't the end for Mary's heart, not by a long shot. It turns out that she had long nurtured a desire for Tudor courtier and man-about-town Charles Brandon. Charles's father had been a loyal partisan of Henry Tudor's claim to the throne before he became Henry VII, and Sir William Brandon had died at the Battle of Bosworth Field. Young Charles was raised at court, a few years older than Henry VIII, and enjoyed a bit of hero worship from the future king.

He was also a scoundrel who fleeced a number of rich women (and girls) through the hazy definitions of marriage and engagement in the period. Still, in spite of Henry making him promise not to marry his sister, Charles was dispatched to France after the death of Louis XII to negotiate the young queen's return to England, and once there, the long-suffering Mary convinced the dashing man of her dreams to abandon the pledge and marry her anyway. Her brother was, to put it mildly, displeased.

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The much-discussed and much-reviled English King Henry VIII is best known, of course, as one of history's worst husbands. There were famously six wives, two of whom were lucky enough to outlive him. But before whatever madness began to take hold of him in his 30s, he was a dashing, popular young king with a devoted wife and, as far as historians can tell, a fairly limited number of mistresses.

These wonder years were not without obstacles and tragedies. Catherine of Aragon, his first and longest-married wife, suffered miscarriages and stillbirths throughout their years together, finally producing just a daughter, the future Mary I, or, for the Protestants in the audience, Bloody Mary.

Still, these years seemed to be a time of optimism for both Henry and the people of England. Who could have predicted the social and political earthquakes that were to come?

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A century and a half before the "Golden Age of Piracy," an Irish woman of noble birth was conquering the inland seas and coastlines on the western edge of the island. Gráinne Ó Máille, anglicized to Grace O'Malley, hailed from the Umhaill line, a seafaring clan of Connacht, and while the family did conduct legitimate forms of trade, they also ran protection rackets on boats that tried to fish their waters, and sometimes plundered merchant vessels in the area, as well as settlements belonging to neighboring clans.

Her life almost perfectly overlapped Queen Elizabeth I's, and during Grace's life, the English Crown was deeply invested in the conquest of Ireland, mostly by seducing its nobles into servitude with fancy English titles. Barons and Earls proliferated around Dublin for years, but English shenanigans finally reached the West of the country when Grace's first husband was cut out from the line of succession to his family's Chief of the Name. Then he was assassinated, leaving Grace ready and willing to enact violent revenge on his killers.

The Crown continued eroding the alliances she was building. Her second husband was demoted from his role as regional king of Connacht while Grace was jailed on a plundering trip. When the Crown-supported king died, Grace and her husband teamed up to raise an army of 2,000 men to insure his succession. He not only got the title, but was named a Baron as well, in exchange for his promise of fealty to English law.

But Crown agents had already set their sights on Grace O'Malley as the kind of noteworthy adversary whose arrest or death would send a message throughout the Emerald Isle, and Grace was eventually forced to sail to London to seek an audience with Queen Elizabeth herself, an effort in which she prevailed handily.

Grace's story is full of courage, vengeance, and daring-do, but it's also a story rooted in specific moment in time, when the longstanding society of Ireland was changing and being changed. Ireland's Pirate Queen Grace O'Malley saw it all up close, and as a most unconventional woman, charted her own course through.

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When Queen Elizabeth II was born in 1926, there were years of her childhood that were, compared to other future monarchs, quite normal. After all, she was never supposed to be the Queen. Her father was a second son; her Uncle David would succeed her grandfather, and certainly other male children would come along.

And then, in 1930, Elizabeth's parents waited with anticipation to find out the gender of Elizabeth's impending sibling. A boy would be in the line of succession. But the child who arrived was Princess Margaret, who was never supposed to be the daughter and sister of Queens herself, but for the fateful choice her Uncle David would make when Margaret was just six, when everything changed.

This episode follows Margaret through a tumultuous childhood, an early doomed romance, and her long, if ill-fated marriage to Antony Armstrong-Jones, eventually the Earl of Snowden. We visit Mustique, the Caribbean island where Margaret's only personal land holdings resided, and meet some of the guests she entertained there. Plus, an assortment of stories about the social life of a notoriously difficult Princess - and why hanging with Margaret wasn't everything it was cracked up to be.

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Charlemagne, The Father of Europe, died in the year 814 and left only one surviving son to take the helm of the Carolingian Empire, which spanned the lion's share of the European continent. But his heir, Louis the Pious, had three sons, who each got a parcel of the empire when he died. Then those kings had children of their own, dividing the kingdom up until factions and branches of Charlemagne's lineage occupied independent power centers from the border of modern Denmark all the way down to Italy south of Rome.

Our story today involves several of those Carolingian kings, and two priests who would become popes. Bishop Formosus served the Vatican as a diplomat on numerous missions in Europe, developing close ties to the Frankish kings to the north of Rome, the sons of the sons of Charlemagne. When his winding road to the Papacy finally made him Pope Formosus, he found himself at odds - even militarily - with the southern wing of the family, the Dukes of Spoleto, the sons of the daughters of Charlemagne.

After Formosa's death, the Dukes of Spoleto reasserted their power, installing a new pope, Stephen VI, who exacted the southern family's revenge on Formosus and their northern kin by exhuming Formosus's rotten corpse and holding an infamously gruesome public trial. Formosus was obviously convicted, but the episode condemned Stephen VI in the moment and for the ages.

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Content note: This episode contains descriptions of sexual violence and coercion that may not be appropriate for all listeners.

Though only in power for eight years, the Ottoman Empire's Ibrahim the Mad made his own mark on history as a notoriously bad ruler, a sexual deviant, but also a bit of a fashion plate. He loved his furs and sparkly jewels.

He also made unwise decisions in foreign affairs, as when he responded to pirates by launching what would turn into a 24-year-long war with the Republic of Venice. As wars do, this led to supply chain disruptions and tax increases that eventually led to angry mobs and mass upheaval in Constantinople. Ibrahim was deposed in an uprising of the Janissary corp, the elite household guard of the Ottoman Sultans. He was strangled to death, as was the custom, in August of 1648.

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We are excited to share a show we're loving with you! American Prankster: Wavy Gravy's Life Story pairs the legendary entertainer and activist with our friend, podcaster Rainbow Valentine, following the incredible ride of a life that Wavy Gravy has been on through decades of American counterculture. Enjoy this sample, and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts!

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In its many thousands of years of history, China has had only one official ruling monarch who was a woman. Sure, there were powerful Empress Consorts who pulled the strings of weak Emperor husbands, but Empress Wu Zetian ambitiously, and ruthlessly, upended convention to claim the throne in her own name.

Born to a prosperous and well-connected family sometimes in the first half of the 620s, Wu joined the Imperial Court at the age of 14 in the privileged position of concubine to the Emperor. Instead, she became a trusted scribe and advisor who was sent to live out her life in a monastery after his death.

But his son, Emperor Gaozong, brought her back to court, where she promptly began having babies with him, something his official wife was never able to do. It took many years, but through devious, even violent means, Wu Zeitan would clear the Court of all rivals to her power and become Gaozong's legal wife, and Empress Consort of China. This was an open door to full control of China; Wu Zeitan only needed to walk through it - and she did.

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As the Romanov era closed, some family members were more fortunate than others. Grand Duchess Olga Alexandrovna, youngest daughter of Tsar Alexander III and baby sister of the doomed Tsar Nicholas II, may be the most fortunate of the Romanov clan, escaping the country and living out a happy life in Denmark and Canada.

Born into a large, loving, royal family that summered with the horde of European royal relatives at her grandfather's castle in Denmark - this was Christian IX, the so-called "father-in-law of Europe" - where she and her cousins, including Queen Victoria's nine children, spent genuinely happy family time together.

An arranged marriage was had, but suited neither Olga nor her gay husband, Peter. When she did eventually fall in love with a young soldier named Nikolai, Peter refused to grand the divorce Olga asked for, but hired Nikolai into the household and seemingly approved of their relationship.

Her brother, perhaps sensing the rising tide that would sweep Imperial Russia away, finally annulled her marriage in 1916, allowing her finally wed Nikolai after more than a decade. As the Bolsheviks advanced, Olga and Nikolai, her mother, and her sister, fled to Crimea, and eventually escaping to Denmark.

Decades later, World War II put the Soviet army on the move in Europe, and fearing for their safety, Olga and her family made one last big move, to Canada.

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Most Americans have at least a basic sense of key elements of European history, but that's not necessarily true when it comes to places like China. And that's true for us, too. Today we take our first dive into China's extremely long history - 4,000 years by some accounts! - to meet three notably trashy emperors of the Ming Dynasty, which ruled China from 1368 to 1644.

Hongwu Emperor was the first Ming Emperor, who seized the throne after a long-running rebellion against the Mongol-led Yuan Dynasty. He is credited with various reforms, which unfortunately often took the form of purges, which were carried out as bloodily as you would fear. Yongle Emperor unseated his own nephew to take the throne, then dispatched everyone associated with his short reign. Zhengde Emperor was a foppish drunkard who preferred visiting the animals and people he'd installed in his Imperial Zoo to governing, and met a ridiculous end at just 29 years old.

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Powerful women have always had to play the game a little differently than their male counterparts, but the story of Irene of Athens, who played politics with enough dexterity to become Empress of the Byzantine Empire for about 20 years in the 8th century, is extraordinarily complicated. The daughter of a prominent Greek family, she was brought to Constantinople as a possible bride for the future Emperor Leo IV. The marriage happened, a son was produced, but religious factionalism ultimately tore the marriage apart.

Upon Leo IV's death, Irene - as one would - stepped in as regent for their young son, the future Constantine VI. She outwitted Leo's half-brothers who were attempting to install the eldest to the throne by having them ordained as priests, and then took unusual steps to unify her kingdom's faith and pursue friendlier relations with the Carolingian empire in Europe.

New conflicts emerged when Constantine VI came of age, a situation that Irene met by undermining his rule and eventually ensuring he met an untimely and painful end. Irene was eventually deposed in 802 and was exiled to the Isle of Lesbos. She spent her final year spinning wool to support herself.

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To round out our Meet the Bonapartes series, we turn to Napoleon's eldest - and apparently coolest - brother, Joseph. Affable, charming, and comfortable in his own skin, he was a contrast to most of his siblings, including Napoleon. His easygoing nature made him popular even with political opponents, and Joseph was an important player in Napoleon's rise.

As a reward, Emperor Napoleon named Joseph the King of Naples, where he fashioned himself a man of the people and governed them well, implementing various government reforms, fighting crime, and creating jobs by building infrastructure. His reign in Naples was short lived, however, as Napoleon replaced him with their sister Caroline and her husband, Joachim Murat.

Napoleon then dispatched Joseph to govern occupied Spain, where the public mood was very different. Not only was Spain's King Joseph reviled by commoners and elites alike, he himself became fairly burned out with the family business in this era. After Napoleon's defeat, he hopped a boat for New York and in a lot of ways, never looked back. He spent decades mostly living a quiet, prosperous life in New Jersey, before returning to Europe to be closer to his remaining family in his later years.

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Napoleon's eldest sister shared many of his more imperious personal qualities, but would prove to be surprisingly gifted at governance after her brother named her Princess of the Italian principalities of Piombino and Lucca. More territories would be added to the holdings she governed, eventually including the Grand Duchy of Tuscany, with Florence as its capital.

Napoleon made Elisa its Grand Duchess, but also added new strings to her ability to govern independently. She was obligated to enforce Napoleon's decisions without modification, and the period of being a popular sovereign making well-received reforms and investments in her lands came to a close. As with the rest of her siblings, her fortunes fell as her brother's did, and died following an illness a few months before Napoleon himself.

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It never hurts to have a hype man, and Napoleon's younger brother Lucien just happened to be a talented writer and orator. One could even say he was his brother's propagandist and co-conspirator in a ballot stuffing operation that led to Napoleon's initial domination of the government of France.

But Lucien, who was also the tallest of the Bonaparte siblings, came to have significant differences with his brother. The two were at odds for a number of years, with Lucien marrying secretly - twice - and refusing to divorce for strategic marriages Napoleon hoped to engineer. The brothers did eventually reconcile, with Lucien advocating strongly for Napoleon after the disastrous Hundred Days - effectively accusing France's ruling class of disloyalty - but the die was cast, and Napoleon's time as ruler of France was done.

Like several of his siblings, Lucien lived out his days in Italy, succumbing to stomach cancer in 1840.

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Napoleon's meddling in his siblings' lives was the source of considerable angst for several of them. Napoleon had high expectations for his younger brother Louis, but Louis chafed at his brother's authority. Still, he ultimately agreed to marry Napoleon's step-daughter with Josephine, Hortense de Beauharnais, a marriage that would become notable most for the profound unhappiness of its spouses.

Four years into their terrible marriage, Napoleon decided that the territory of the modern Netherlands was a bit too independent, and installed Louis as its new king. The French Emperor expected his brother to serve merely as a titled governor of the region, but Louis really stepped up in the position. He began learning Dutch, renounced his French citizenship and declared himself Dutch, and demanded that his mostly-French ministers do the same. He also demanded it of his wife, who had only reluctantly accompanied her husband to Holland.

But Hortense also thrived in her role as Queen, and her popularity among her Dutch subjects irritated her jealous husband - who was also popular and effective, to be clear - irrationally. And the couples' success as monarchs there - Louis was known as 'Louis the Good' in Holland - irritated Napoleon irrationally. In 1810, their four year reign ended when Napoleon took it away from them by annexing it into France.

This effectively ended the sham of their marriage and the couple would spend the remainder of their lives apart. Neither lived long enough to see their youngest son become France's last monarch, Napoleon III.

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If Pauline was Napoleon's most loyal sister, Caroline was undoubtedly his most scheming. As a child, she took orders from her big brother, but as he rose from celebrated military commander to Emperor, she made sure he never forgot to improve her fortunes, as well. After she married one of Napoleon's military advisors - a match he was only persuaded to support by his wife Josephine - Caroline swiftly moved up the odd intra-family career ladder.

In 1804, with Napoleon on his self-appointed throne, Caroline and her sisters became Imperial Princesses. In 1806, she became a Grand Duchess of two German principalities in Napoleon's portfolio. In 1808, she became Queen Consort of Naples, with her husband Joachim Murat becoming its flamboyant king.

Obviously, these titles and positions of power would not hold. After Napoleon's fall, and Joachim's death, she styled herself a countess from her exile in Austria, then lived out her life in Florence.

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It's probably no surprise that in a family with as much internal intrigue as the Bonapartes had, Napoleon had a favorite among his three sisters. Pauline Bonaparte was eleven years younger than her brother, but was similarly ambitious and was generally happy to take part in his plans for himself and her. A natural beauty with a flirtatious, if slightly sinister, reputation, Napoleon pushed her into two strategic marriages, and ended up with the titles Princess consort of Sulmona and of Rossano - this through her second, unhappy marriage - and Princess of Guastalla. This title referred to a Duchy her brother granted her in Italy, but upon finding out that the place was basically backwater, she organized its sale to Parma for six million francs and a courtesy title.

Pauline was the only one of Napoleon's siblings who visited him in exile, and their bond was so strong that there were rumors of incest throughout their lives. Pauline enjoyed them, believing that such stories implied that she had far more influence over her brother than she probably really did. As a woman who constantly courted scandal and attention, Pauline made an important contribution to the Italian art world when, during her marriage to Prince Camillo Borghese, she commissioned sculptor Antonio Canova to create a statue of her as the goddess Venus, and insisted on posing nude in Catholic Rome while the work was produced. Upon the Venus Victrix's arrival at their home at Palazzo Salviati-Borghese in Florence, Camillo immediately had it moved to a storage area, far from the eyes of guests.

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Napoleon's youngest brother Jerome was an endless headache for him. Lacking ambition but loving luxury, he fled a stint in the French navy (after nearly sparking a war with England) for America to wait out his brother's wrath.

It was in Baltimore that he met the woman who would become his first wife, socialite Elizabeth Patterson. Marrying her against both her father's wishes and his brother's permission created quite a conundrum for all involved. Worse, when the young couple, now pregnant, tried to return to Europe to smooth things over, Jerome abandoned Betsy in order to be brought back into the fold - and eventually made King of Westphalia.

Betsy gave birth to their son in London, the only harbor that would let her ship dock, and returned to America to build a fortune through canny real estate investing. She and her son spent decades splitting their time between America and Europe, where the Bonaparte women decided - finally - that they liked the headstrong Betsy, though she and Bo really wanted nothing to do with them. Perhaps that was the secret all along.

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When it came time for Napoleon to find a successor to Josephine as his wife, pickings were slimmer than you might expect. Russia's Alexander I wouldn't entertain the idea of a marriage between the French emperor and Alex's youngest sister, Anna Pavlovna. Austria, which had spent years battling - and losing to - France, became the unlikely solution to Napoleon's problem. Archduchess Marie Louise of Austria was 19, suitable in rank, and available. The fact that she was Marie Antoinette's grand-niece was perhaps not brought up by the French side during negotiations for her hand.

Her marriage to Napoleon in April 1810 started badly, but things would level out between the couple and she gave birth to their son, Napoleon II, on March 20, 1811. The heir situation handled, Napoleon resumed his increasingly disastrous military campaigns, including a failed invasion of Russia that cost him half a million soldiers. After a thorough defeat by unified European armies - including Austria's - in 1814, Napoleon was exiled to Elba, and Marie Louise and her son made their way back to Vienna, and what would become a surprising new chapter of her life.

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Part of the joy of history is how resonant it often is. Imagine an ambitious if dysfunctional family with some minor claim to nobility in some far off backwater rising to power - to the highest office in the land - on the strength of a charismatic son known as much for his professional acumen as his arrogant, sometimes outrageous behavior.

Welcome to revolutionary France! When the Italian-by-way-of-Corsica Bonaparte family arrived in France in 1779, when young Napoleon was 9, it set into motion a course of events that would change history. Trained in prestigious French military academies, Napoleon would become a military hero and an influential supporter of the French Revolution and the various governments that followed - including the ones that had nearly beheaded, and then released, Josephine de Beauharnais.

It is a historical irony that Josephine, Empress of France, was not even Josephine until her relationship with Napoleon, and Beauharnais was her first husband's name. Napoleon didn't like her given name of Rose, so he changed it, and Josephine's first extremely unhappy marriage was ended by the revolutionaries' guillotine to her husband's neck. Born in colonial Martinique, Josephine made her way to France in place of her recently deceased sister, who had been betrothed to the Viscount of Beauharnais.

Napoleon and Josephine had a passionate, if rocky, marriage that his family always detested. His mother referred to his wife in highly derogatory terms, and his brothers turned themselves into the Hardy Boys of Gossip Against Josephine. Napoleon's sisters hated Josephine as well, so it's a wonder that the couple made it 14 years. Still, once you go from Republican-leaning military officer to Emperor, you have to give your country an heir, and while Josephine entered the marriage with two children from her first, Napoleon had been notably childless both with her and his many mistresses.

Then - like a miracle, and possibly through his own family's trickery - one of his mistresses gave birth to a baby he believed was his own! Josephine's time as his wife was clearly limited; they annulled their 14-year-long marriage in 1810, and Josephine lived out her days at the Chateau de Malmaison outside of Paris, tending a lavish garden of roses and remaining close to her former husband until her death in 1814.

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Long a vassal state to its much larger neighbors, Belgium only became independent in 1830, at which time it decided that what it really needed was a (constitutional) monarchy! Its first king, Leopold I, earned the gig by virtue of being born a Saxe-Coburg-Saalfeld prince who had cultivated his relationships with Europe's royal houses during a distinguished military career. Like his son, he was not a paragon of family values, which prompted his second wife, Louise of Orleans, to lash out at their children.

When Leopold II succeeded his father in 1865, he was hot to trot in acquiring colonial possessions, something that his father had attempted to achieve but never managed to. This led to a world-changing catastrophe and a crime of truly historic proportions. Leopold II engineered a private scheme by which he became the sole owner of the territory that is today the Democratic Republic of the Congo, where he essentially enslaved the population and forced them to pillage their own land - rubber and ivory were especially valuable at the time - for his enrichment. Failure to meet quotas was punishable by death. Rape, mutilations, destruction of settlements, and taking workers' families as hostages to force them to work harder were all common.

Leopold was savvy enough to recognize that this state of affairs wouldn't fly with the public in Belgium, so he invested heavily in a propaganda effort to mask the reality on the ground. For the average person in Belgium, the stories of the Christianization of the people of the Congo and the improving social and economic conditions there supported their king's enterprise entirely. Meanwhile, writers and journalists around the world began to realize through their own travels what was really going on. But even millions of deaths, a horrifying population-wide immiseration, and the slimy personal enrichment Leopold had attained through those practices didn't cause the Belgian Parliament to rush to correct the situation. It wasn't until 1908, a year before Leopold's death, and decades into his brutal domination of the Congolese people, that Belgium's elected government took control of what would become the Belgian Congo, and later, the Democratic Republic of the Congo.

His involvement with the Congo wasn't the only thing damaging Leopold's image at home. He was a terrible husband to his wife, Queen Marie Henriette, and at the age of 65, in 1899, very publicly took a 16-year-old mistress who he lavished with money and properties around Europe, including the famous Villa Leopolda.

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One of the outcomes of the 20th century's two world wars was the widespread abolition of monarchies across Europe. Some of these events were brutal, as in Russia, but others, like Italy, happened bloodlessly and through the popular will.

After a long reign that saw the Kingdom of Italy enthralled by Benito Mussolini's fascist dictatorship, World War II, and King Victor Emmanuel III aiding and abetting it all, the Italian people were exhausted. In an effort to preserve the institution, Victor Emmanuel III abdicated in 1946, elevating his son, Umberto II and his wife Marie-Jose of Belgium, to the throne.

A referendum on the future of the monarchy was already scheduled, so Umberto and Marie-Jose, whose marriage had been uniquely unhappy, barnstormed the country trying to salvage public opinion and hang onto their thrones. It didn't work; by a 54-46% vote, Italians chose to create the Republic of Italy, and the reign of King Umberto II and Queen Marie-Jose ended after just over a month. They and their four children were exiled to Portugal, but it wasn't all bad news. After all, the independent and curious Marie-Jose had been strategically wed to a dullard who happened also to be gay. Once free of her role as anybody's Queen, she left Umberto on the Portuguese Riviera and took the kids to a new life in Switzerland and never looked back.

Unfortunately, their one son, Vittorio Emanuele, did not exactly live his best life in the aftermath of it all. While just a child when the monarchy ended, he had a strained relationship with his father, fell into arms dealing and shady international finance as an adult, and managed to get himself into - and out of - serious legal trouble a number of times.

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If you worried that royal houses had gotten a little too genteel by the 19th century, the story of Ranavalona I of Madagascar will disabuse you of that pretty quickly. Seizing the throne in 1828 after the death of her husband, King Radama - despite not being the rightful heir to it - she immediately launched a campaign of murder against her political rivals and potential successors, and summarily ended friendly relations with European nations, including expelling missionaries who had established schools. She didn't merely promote the local customs and faith traditions of the Malagasy people; she eventually banned the practice of Christianity entirely and executed those who practiced it. In fact, she executed a lot of people, in a variety of creative ways, and historians believe that in her 33-year reign of terror, she depopulated Madagascar by about half. It's no wonder that she's considered Madagascar's Bloody Mary, and Madagascar's Caligula.

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When she assumed the throne in 1558, she made it clear to the members of her court that they shouldn't plan to have their wives or female companions around the place. She intended to be singular as she consolidated power, but perhaps she had another motive as well; by banishing the wives, Robert Dudley, newly appointed Master of the Horse to Her Majesty the Queen, was not required to send for his wife, Amy Robsart, to join him in London.

Elizabeth and Robert were not overly discreet in their enjoyment of one another's company, while the young queen's advisors, especially William Cecil, her Secretary of State, grew more and more insistent that Elizabeth find a suitable strategic marriage to enter into with some titled European. This, of course, was not to be. Her relationship with Robert became such a scandal that Cecil himself decided it would cause her government to fall, and everything carried on very precariously until the morning of September 8, 1560, when Amy Robsart was discovered dead at the bottom of a flight of stairs at her home at Cumnor Place. The scandal banished Robert from court for more than a year, and while he and Elizabeth would remain close for the rest of his life, the intense romance that characterized the beginnings of her reign was over.

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While Queen Elizabeth I of England famously never married, her close relationship with Robert Dudley began when the two were small children together in the court of Henry VIII. Elizabeth was a princess who was downgraded to a lady after her mother, Anne Boleyn's, death. Robert was the grandson of an advisor to King Henry VII who was executed for treason upon the ascension of Henry VIII, forcing the Dudley family to struggle mightily to rehabilitate its noble image at court.

All of which is to say that these two could really relate to each other, tossed about as they were by their families' fortunes and the whims of a King both had reasons to love and hate. But when Mary I seized the throne in 1553, everything changed for both of them. Robert's father had engineered the ascension of Lady Jane Grey, his daughter in law, to the throne over Henry VIII's eldest daughter, Mary, and after The Nine Days' Queen was deposed, the male Dudleys were imprisoned in the Tower of London, condemned to death.

Catholic Mary also imprisoned her protestant half-sister Elizabeth, fearing a credible challenge to her reign. Alicia imagines - with the help of some Taylor Swift lyrics - what the months Elizabeth and Robert spent together in The Tower must have been like, doomed as they both believed themselves to be, confidants since they were toddlers.

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It's a big week for Tortured Poets, so we decided to take a long look at history's most famous one: William Shakespeare himself. Alicia explores the mystery around the true identity of the author of some of the world's most famous pieces of literature. Was it really the actor from Stratford-upon-Avon penning Romeo and Juliet, Hamlet, A Midsummer Night's Dream, and all the sonnets, or was that a convenient pseudonym for someone else, or a group of someone elses?

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As Taylor Swift launches her latest era with The Tortured Poets Department, Alicia dives into her favorite era: Tudor England. We explore the 17 surviving love letters that King Henry VIII penned during his courtship and early relationship with Anne Boleyn in the latter half of the 1520s, particularly noting that for quite a long time, it seems like Anne wasn't really that into him.

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However much 'protocol' may attempt to intervene, the truth is that eccentricity is a trait that even royals have. This is certainly the case for Elisabeth of Wied, a German princess who became Romania's first queen, wife of Romania's King Carol I.

Politics in Europe were extra complex in the latter half of the 19th century. In Russia, Tsar Alexander II had concluded his father's Crimean War in 1856, but even with the defeat of Russia in the conflict, the Ottoman Empire was in retreat. As Ottoman influence waned, former vassal states, including what would become modern Romania, were shaped by the other great powers and their own internal politics, which led to the unification of several formerly Ottoman principalities into what is now Romania.

And what does a newly independent player on the European stage need? A royal house, of course! And wouldn't you know it - the Germans had so many of those lying around that it was easy pickings to find some stuffy but qualified guy to 'elect' king. King Carol I was both a liberalizing influence on the new nation's politics, as well as personally fastidious and, according to accounts, quite humorless.

Which must have been tough on his wife, Elisabeth, a flamboyant writer with an artist's temperament who is better known by her nom de plum, Carmen Sylva. She was enough of a handful in the Romanian court that her husband once exiled her back to Germany for a couple of years, from which she sent letters to the Romanian Crown Prince's wife, Marie of Edinburgh, that she hoped Marie's forthcoming baby would turn out to be a girl!

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The fourteenth century was full of challenges to marital bliss, especially for nobles. Travel was complicated, especially during times of war, but royal houses still needed to cement alliances through marriage - often among woefully young princes and princesses who, again, were separated by vast distances and perhaps had never met.

So it was for Portugal's young prince Pedro, born 1320. Proxy-married to Constanza Manuel, a Castillian noblewoman, the union was made so Portugal's king, Alfonso IV, could register his disdain for the ruler of Castile, King Alfonso XI. Yes, it's a little confusing. And also, there was a war on in Europe, so it would be five long years before young Constanza could safely make the journey to Portugal to meet her young husband. For Pedro, encountering his bride for the first time was an experience of fireworks and butterflies - because of the presence of her lady-in-waiting, Inês de Castro, a Galician noblewoman with whom he fell madly in love.

This was obviously not an ideal situation for anyone, and while various machinations were tried to end the affair between Pedro and Inês, it was genuinely true love, with an extremely tragic and violent eventual outcome that lives on as a story of deep cultural resonance in Portugal to this day.

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We touched on England's King George IV in our episode about Queen Victoria's Trashy Hanoverian Uncles (episode 17), but there's so much more to the story of his misspent youth and his cataclysmic marriage to Princess Caroline of Brunswick. To help out, we asked our friend Sam from the podcast I'm Horrified!, who recently delivered this banger of a story over there.

The daughter of King George III's eldest sister, Caroline was raised in the German duchy of Braunschweig, or Brunswick in English. Her family situation was fraught; while her parents remained married throughout their lives, her father's undisguised and longstanding mistress made for difficult family dynamics, where a kind interaction with one parent led to rebuke and allegations of disloyalty from the other.

Upon meeting her soon-to-be new husband, Crown Prince George of England, the antipathy was mutual. Not only was George already illegally married, he also openly brought his mistress (to be clear, these are two separate women) to their introductory dinner. That would set the stage for the rest of Caroline's life.

They managed to have one child, Princess Charlotte, but quickly agreed to live separate lives at separate residences due to their mutual disdain. George seems to have spent a good amount of time trying to dirty his estranged wife's reputation, but she was quite popular with the public, especially balanced against his poor reputation as a drunkard and wastrel. Propaganda campaigns were waged against one another in the press and in Parliament, and as King George III's health deteriorated and Crown Prince George's power grew, Caroline left the country.

Her travels across Europe and the Holy Lands with a handsome Italian servant set tongues wagging everywhere, but when George III died in January 1820, Caroline realized that she had to return to England if she had any hope of blunting her husband's power - he was king now, and she was queen - and asserting any of her own. But it didn't go that way; George's mission with his new throne was to exclude his wife from everything and try to formally strip of her titles. Because of his own rampant infidelity, divorce was out of the question, but perhaps poisoning wasn't?

Thanks so much to Sam for sharing this banger of a story. Listen to new episodes of I'm Horrified! every Tuesday!

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This week, we take a look at a different European monarchy, that of Denmark, through two King Frederiks of Denmark. Frederik VII held the throne from 1848 to 1863, and was the last absolute monarch of the country, bowing to calls for reforms and signing Denmark's constitution, which implemented the constitutional monarchy that persists to this day. He was also a terrible husband, was divorced by two wives, and appears to have been part of a throuple with his third wife and their male lover for the last decade or so of his life. He died without legitimate heir, leading to a succession crisis and the reign of Christian IX, who became known as "the father-in-law of Europe."

Then we fast forward to this very year, when Christian IX's fifth-generation descendant - and Queen Victoria's, too - became King Frederik X of Denmark, succeeding his mother Queen Margrethe II after her surprise abdication. A one-time Playboy Prince, Frederik has matured into a down-to-earth leader with strong military credentials and a passion for the outdoors, but his recent history is not without a hint of scandal. Cheating rumors swirled last fall, a situation that seemed to deeply pain his wife, the Australian-born Mary Donaldson, who has since become the first Australian to become a European queen. Was the abdication an attempt to save Frederik and Mary's marriage?

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After the death of Edwina Mountbatten in 1960, Dickie still had another 19 years of living to do, and while he was single, he was in no way alone. He had romances with plenty of women in his later years, and according to many, he had male lovers - including, it is alleged, boys - as well.

A mentor to Prince Charles, his advice to the young man may have contributed to what turned into the tragic marriage, divorce, and untimely death of Princess Diana, who was exactly the sort of woman that Dickie encouraged the playboy prince to settle down with. The men remained close through the end of Dickie's life, and Charles delivered the eulogy at both of Dickie's services in 1979.

Dickie was clearly a charming older man who counted Shirley MacClaine, Barbara Cartland, Christina Ford, and Sacha Hamilton, Duchess of Abercorn, who was also his god daughter, among his paramours. Let's say it was all pretty complicated, but that would only be keeping with rest of his and Edwina's history.

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As Edwina took pains to lay low in Malta after the scandals of her affairs, Italy decided to exit the League of Nations and invade Ethiopia. To protect their children, she took them to Budapest and installed them in a hotel with their nanny and governess... and then forgot which hotel they were in. For months. As the summer of 1935 turned to fall, and then winter, they just stayed in their hotel until Edwina finally came across the paper she'd written the hotel's name on, tucked into the pocket of an outfit she hadn't worn in a while. Careless people.

But then World War II came, and with so much asked of ordinary Britons, the privileged were required to step up. For perhaps the first time in her life, the skills and networking that Edwina had spent her life developing could suddenly be applied to a grand purpose: fundraising, organizing, lobbying for help in the United States. Louis was in the fight as a Naval officer, but Edwina was equally engaged, and the experience brought them together as never before.

They would have further adventures together in India, overseeing the end of the Colonial period there, and form a distinct attachment to Indian Prime Minister Nehru that would last to the end of her life in 1960.

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Programming note: This episode is a bit more explicit than most, including strong language and descriptions of sex. If you listen with wee ones, use your judgment.

The early '30s were a roaring time for Edwina's various romances, though two in particular would have far-reaching implications for her lovers. The first, with American actor Paul Robeson, caused scandal in the London tabloids because Robeson was Black. The Royal Family considered the situation dire enough that they demanded that Louis and Edwina sue the tabloid that wrote it about for libel, and saw to it that the court would handle the case... carefully. An early morning hearing, of which no notice was given to anyone but the Mountbattens, resulted in a quick ruling in Edwina's favor, though the couple notably did not ask for damages. Paul Robeson himself was apparently quite wounded by the whole incident, having been close to Edwina and left to deal with the fallout on his own.

The second notable affair was with Leslie "Hutch" Hutchinson, a Grenada-born musician whom Edwina had met in New York City. She encouraged him to bring his talents to England, where he became a bona fide star of the 1920s and '30s, entertaining royals and society patrons, and his work gained national prominence with frequent airings on the BBC. During his dalliance with Edwina, there are rumors that the two became "stuck" in flagrante delicto, requiring transportation by ambulance in the pose that was causing them troubles.

Louis was outraged especially by Edwina's affair with Hutch, and as the scandal grew, Hutch found that his royal and society patrons had abandoned him. In spite of his celebrity, the Mountbattens appear to have had a role in his near erasure from history. It's all reminiscent of Fitzgerald's line in Gatsby: “They were careless people, Tom and Daisy - they smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back into their money or their vast carelessness or whatever it was that kept them together, and let other people clean up the mess they had made.”

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As the Roaring '20s turned into the '30s, Edwina's appetite for other lovers showed no sign of diminishing, and eventually led to a breaking point with her long-suffering husband, Louis. At one point, they decided that divorce was the best option, but quickly reconciled with new rules for their relationship: Edwina would be more discreet in her dalliances, which had previously been headline news, and Louis would be free to take lovers of his own. But a funny thing happened when he finally did - Edwina was jealous!

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It didn't take long for Edwina, young, rich, and alone while her husband Louis was away with the Navy, to begin flirtations and then affairs with various suitors. There were the young men of her social strata, to be sure, but there was also a scandalous rumored fling with the notably female American entertainer Sophie Tucker, "The Last of the Red-Hot Mamas." These affairs took a toll on her marriage and her relations with the British Royal Family, but also laid the template for the Mountbatten marriage.

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While Louis and Edwina Mountbatten would have a 38-year-long marriage, it isn't quite right to say it was a happy union. That first six months or so though - when they traveled through Europe and the United States, meeting Charlie Chaplin, Cecil B. DeMille, and dining with President Warren G. Harding - was a magical time for the couple. Once they returned to England and settled into married life, things quickly went sideways. With Louis frequently at sea for long periods as a Naval officer, and Edwina living large on her huge pile of inherited money, perhaps they were destined to have an unusually promiscuous marriage.

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As many will already know, it was the youngest child of Prince Louis of Battenberg and Princess Victoria of Hesse and by Rhine who would become a prominent figure in the lives of the modern world of the Windsors. Young Louis Battenberg, later Louis Mountbatten, was known as Dickie to his confidants, and was stung early when his father, First Sea Lord of the British Navy, was removed from his post at the outbreak of WWI because of his German origins. The episode would motivate his son to excel in a Naval career to reclaim the title, and the then-Mountbattens' familial closeness with the House of Windsor would give him an avenue to real political power and influence.

Edwina Ashley, future wife of Louis Mountbatten, was born into a family of means, but not of emotional connection. While her grandfather, Sir Ernest Cassel, was kind and involved, her parents left her sister and Edwina to mostly be raised by governesses. After her mother's death, Edwina's father married for a second time to a woman Louis would later describe as "a wicked woman." Edwina was ultimately able to find refuge in her grandfather's home, where as a teenager she became a sophisticated society hostess and a friend to many in the monied elite. Sir Ernest Cassel's death, when Edwina was about 20, made her one of the richest women in England. Upon her engagement to the much-less-rich Louis Mountbatten, Sir Anthony Eden noted in his diary, "Edwina Ashley is engaged to Lord Louis Mountbatten. What a waste."

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Sources

The Mountbattens: Their Lives and Loves, by Andrew Lownie (Amazon.com)

Edwina Mountbatten: A Life of Her Own, by Janet Morgan (Amazon.com)

Lord and Lady Mountbatten Wedding (townandcountrymag.com)

THE LIFE AND LOVES OF LADY EDWINA MOUNTBATTEN - The Washington Post

The Countess Who Counted - The Washington Post

Inside the scandalous 'bed-hopping' marriage of Louis and Edwina Mounbatten | The Sun

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Prince George of Battenberg, later the 2nd Marquess of Milford Haven, was the third child of Louis Battenber and Princess Victoria of Hesse and by Rhine, and was by all accounts a pretty good dude. Like his father, he set his sights on a naval career, and excelled at the Royal Naval College in Dartmouth, entering the Royal Navy in time to participate in World War I.

His 1916 marriage to Countess Nadajda de Torby, called Nada by her friends, would become a source of significant scandal in 1934, when a former maid became a key witness in the high profile custody battle over young heiress Gloria Vanderbilt. The mail alleged on the stand that Nada and the girl's mother, Gloria Morgan Vanderbilt, were lovers, and the story was so salacious for its time that the judge cleared the courtroom entirely.

After the family dropped "Battenberg" in favor of "Mountbatten" in 1917, at the height of anti-German sentiment in England, George Mountbatten would continue being one of the few stable presences in the life of Prince Philip, and Queen Elizabeth II, his eventual niece-in-law, was extremely fond of George. His death at the young age of 45, from bone marrow cancer, was yet another tragedy in young Philip's life, while Nada would remain close friends with Edwina Mountbatten, her sister-in-law, and the wife of Philip's next mentor, Louis Mountbatten.

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Admit it: you’re obsessed with royal families – watching them, gossiping about them, wanting to be them. It’s the stuff of fantasy. But for real life royals, the crown jewels can be more like shiny handcuffs. There are expectations and rules – and if you break them, the consequences are big, and very public. And no, we’re not just talking about Harry and Meghan. There are royal families and wild royal tales from around the world and throughout history that you have never heard before. From Wondery comes a new podcast called Even the Royals that will take you inside the cloistered world of royal families, past and present, where wealth and status often come at the expense of your freedom – and maybe even your life. This is just a preview of Even the Royals. Listen to the full episode wherever you get your podcasts, or at Wondery.fm/eventheroyals_trashyroyals

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The second child of Prince Louis of Battenberg (later, Louis Mountbatten, Marquess of Milford Haven) and Princess Victoria of Hesse and by Rhine was Princess Louise, born July 14, 1889. While most royal were promptly shuttled into marriage, Louise was an independent, progressive young woman whose heart was set on marrying for love.

There were suitors, to be sure, but Louise was insistent that she would never marry a king or a widower, and of course, that the union be based on love. This led her down some blind alleys, most notably with a Scottish portrait and landscape artist living in Paris, whom she met when they worked together at a military hospital during the First World War. Alexander Stuart-Hill was charming but eccentric, and was decidedly not rich. Fearing her family's reaction, Louise kept the pair's engagement secret for two years; by the time she revealed her secret, her parents asked that she delay marriage until the war had ended.

After Alexander visited the Mountbattens a few times, earning the nickname 'Shakespeare' from his would-be in-laws, Louis Mountbatten had to sit his poor daughter down and explain to her that there were people called homosexuals, and he believed her fiance was one. It's unclear precisely how this resolved between Louise and Alexander, beyond the fact that the engagement ended in 1918.

Princess Louise would find love at last, however, and in a most unexpected place. Sweden's Crown Prince Gustaf Adolf, recent widower of Louise's mother's cousin, visited London in 1923 and took a real shine to Louise, then into her 30s. Sure, he was a widower, and sure, he was destined to be King of Sweden, but at long last, Louise had fallen in love with someone who loved her back. Her new in-laws loved her, and she became the devoted step-mother of Gustav's children. As Princess and then Queen Consort, she was beloved by the people of Sweden for her rejection of royal airs, belief in gender equality and civil rights, humanitarian work during World War II, and democratic reforms to the monarchy.

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After Louis Battenberg's (later Louis Mountbatten) successful campaign to marry Princess Victoria of Hesse and by Rhine, the couple set about having babies. The first of these, Princess Alice, was born in 1885, and came into the world congenitally deaf. Given the era, no particular accommodations were made for her, and while her condition caused many to underestimate her, she compensated by learning to lip-read (in several languages) and spoke English, German, French, and, later, Greek.

Her marriage to Prince Andrew of Greece and Denmark was happy only for a while, but the pair had five children. Alice occupied herself with charity work, and when hostilities broke out between Greece and Turkey, she served as a nurse at the front line, earning the deep affection of the Greek people. During the First World War, Greece exiled the royal family, and setting up in Paris, Alice and Andrew became estranged. He would ride out the rest of his life in the south of France with his mistress, while Alice's life became strange and complicated.

She fell in unrequited love, though history has not retained the identity of her affection, and developed a religious fervor. She was hospitalized in sanitariums and treated with cutting edge techniques for schizophrenia, like hitting her abdomen with X-rays to destroy her ovaries. During her convalescence, which she wanted out of, her daughters married without her knowing and her youngest son, Prince Philip, gradually grew from a child to a man, with no real connection to his mother or father.

Alice spent World War II in Athens, caring for the poor and hungry, and sheltering a Jewish family. When the Nazi occupiers came to search her home, she leaned into her deafness, pretending not to understand what they wanted until they were so bamboozled they left empty handed. She founded a religious order, but when Greece again abolished the monarchy, her son Philip, now married to Queen Elizabeth II, ensured her safe passage to Great Britain, where she lived out her days simply and humbly, as a quiet resident of Buckingham Palace.

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Sources

Alice: Princess Andrew of Greece, by Hugo Vickers (Amazon)

The Extraordinary Life Of Princess Alice | Queen's Mother-in-Law | Real Royalty (YouTube)

No, Princess Alice Wasn't Really Interviewed by a Guardian Journalist Named John Armstrong (townandcountrymag.com)

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While royal houses are often insular and even incestuous (at least at the cousin-marrying level), new blood does manage to enter those gene pools from time to time. Meet the Mountbattens! The family's story begins in Russia, circa 1850, where the orphaned daughter of a Polish general named Julia von Hauke was serving in the household of Maria Alexandrovna, future wife of future Tsar Alexander II. Maria's brother, Prince Alexander of Hesse and by Rhine, fell hard for the common-born Julia, a romance that was seemingly halted by Emperor Nicholas I, who wanted Prince Alexander to marry his niece.

Unable to shake off their love, the two eloped, which left Alexander persona non grata in the Russian court. Returning to his native Hesse, Prince Alexander's brother, Grand Duke Louis III of Hesse-Darmstadt, granted Julia the title of Countess of Battenberg, named for a town in the north of the duchy, and later, Princess of Battenberg.

But Europe's royal houses have both a long memory and an enormous snobbery, meaning that when Alexander and Julia's sons, The Battenberg Boys, began pursuing the granddaughters of England's Queen Victoria for marriage a generation later, the courtships - successful and unsuccessful - were rife with intrigue and scandal. But it was the marriage of Louis Battenberg to Queen Vic's granddaughter Princess Victoria of Hesse and by Rhine that would eventually transform the family from a tainted, common-born Battenberg lineage to the British Mountbattens, the house of Queen Elizabeth II's husband, Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh. But that's a story for next week.

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Eleanor's life was no less interesting following the death of Henry II. Rather than fade into the background, her son, King Richard I, instead made her his most powerful deputy in England while he went to the Holy Land on Crusade. In fact, Richard I was an extremely disinterested monarch and spent very little of his decade-long reign in the country. His brother, the future King John, at one point tried to raise and army and take the crown by force, but his mother put an end to that. Then there was the ransom of Richard the Lionheart, by Austrian Duke Leopold V. Eleanor personally traveled to negotiate with, and pay ransom to, Holy Roman emperor Henry VI.

Eleanor's final years were spent in the reign of her youngest son, King John, during which she traveled among her children in Europe, arranging marriages for her granddaughters. By the time she died in 1204, at the age perhaps of 82, she had seeded her offspring among the royal houses of the continent, where they and their offspring would be players for generations to come.

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After Eleanor finally succeeded in ending her marriage to Louis VII of France, she had a brief turn of wedded bliss to the future Henry II of England. It's not that the marriage was short, just her happiness. Henry II, it turns out, was a king of questionable judgment, as Archbishop of Canterbury Thomas Becket would find out. He was also loathe to cede power to their children, and little was helped when Henry's head was turned by a young noblewoman named Rosamund Clifford - an affair that contributed to Eleanor urging her sons to rise up against their father in England. For her treachery, Eleanor would spend more than a decade and a half confined; their sons were welcomed back into the fold in a "boys will be boys" way. But this was not the end for Eleanor. Upon the death of Henry II in 1189, she was the extremely involved Dowager Queen of England while her sons, Richard the Lionheart and King John, would take their turns on the throne. But those are stories for next week, in Part Three.

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History is not without examples of powerful women, to be sure, but even in that pantheon, Eleanor of Aquitaine is a special case. In this first part of her story, Alicia takes us through her early life in the French province of Aquitaine, where her father was the ruling Duke, and her first, disastrous marriage to the future (it turns out by a matter of days) Louis VII of France. A marriage that would, after many unhappy years, be annulled, allowing Eleanor to create one of history's most audacious political romances: she married the future Henry II of England, son of Empress Matilda, paving the way for Eleanor to have been both Queen of France and Queen of England through separate marriages!

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After the unfortunate incident with the boating accident that killed Heir Presumptive William in 1120, King Henry I had a choice to make when it came to succession planning. While he had nephews through his sister and illegitimate children (galore), it was his daughter Matilda, Holy Roman Empress since her arranged marriage at the age of eight, that he tapped to take the throne when he shuffled off his mortal coil. There was a big gathering of nobles to mark the occasion, and in the presence of Henry and Matilda, they all swore fealty to their future lady king, presumably with their fingers crossed behind their backs.

Life went on for everyone for a few years yet. Matilda was re-married to Geoffrey Plantagenet, Count of Anjou, and had a couple of babies, and it was in Ajou that she learned in December of 1135 that her father the king was dead. Long live the lady king!

But not really. Matilda's cousin Stephen acted with swiftness on the news of his uncle's death and, despite having sworn fealty to Matilda in the presence of said uncle back in 1127, got himself crowned King of England, with the support of all those nobles who had also sworn fealty to Matilda back in 1127! And this is how the First Cousins' War - better known as the Anarchy - began!

As you may know, there is no Queen Matilda in England's royal history, but after a protracted and draining conflict, Stephen agreed to pass the crown to Matilda's eldest son, Henry Plantagenet, launching a dynasty that would hold the English throne for centuries.

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Today we travel back nearly a millennium to look at three of the sons of William the Conqueror. The first Norman (French) king of England, William of course defeated the English King Harold at the Battle of Hastings in 1066, after which he was crowned King of England, but mostly administered the territory from his duchy in Normandy. An early example of remote work, perhaps.

William I implemented a plan of succession that ended up causing history-making trouble. His eldest son, Robert, with whom he had a difficult relationship, was given Normandy, while his second-eldest surviving son, William Rufus, was heir apparent to the English crown. His youngest surviving son, Henry, was given a hefty amount of money, which in no way satiated his ambition for power. Upon William I's death in 1087, Henry occupied himself by playing his brothers against each other. The situation would culminate in a disastrous hunting party in 1100, in which William II was killed by an arrow and the hunting party scattered to the wind. Younger brother Henry was present for what may have been William's assassination, and raced to Winchester, home of the treasury, to claim the throne in spite of his older brother Robert still living and, under the rules of primogeniture, being the more suitable claimant.

Henry I proved to be a fairly canny politician, and his marriage to Matilda of Scotland (born Edith), daughter of Malcolm III of Scotland, both strengthened his claim and enhanced the cultural status of his court. Everything was on track for a successful dynasty until 1120, when Henry's eldest son and heir apparent threw the kind of rager of a party that no one should ever drive after. To this day, it is illegal to operate watercraft while intoxicated.

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At the turn of the last century, the French Riviera was mostly a winter destination for those in colder climates. It turns out that "fun in the sun" and "playground for the rich" are fairly modern concepts, but in a brilliant real estate move, American actress Maxine Elliott created both. Her waterfront Château de l'Horizon, constructed in 1932, became a veritable clubhouse for the rich, famous, and powerful on both sides of the Atlantic. Alicia takes us through some of the more notable personages, stories, and affairs from the heyday of the Château de l'Horizon, under Maxine Elliott's ownership, and later that of Prince Aly Khan.

Among the luminaries who appear in this episode: Gerald and Sara Murphy; King Edward VII; William Montagu, 9th Duke of Manchester; George Keppel; Alice Keppel; Jennie Jerome Churchill; Winston Churchill; Elsie de Wolfe; Prince George, Duke of Kent; J.P. Morgan; King George V; King Edward VIII and Wallis Simpson; Cecil Beaton; Cimmie Mosley; Picasso; Prime Minister David Lloyd George; the Aga Khan; Clark Gable; George Bernard Shaw; Lady Diana Cooper; Lady Doris Castlerosse; Daisy Fellows; Marion Davies; Edwina Mountbatten, Countess of Burma; The Mitford Sisters (and their brother); Randolph Churchill Jr.; Evelyn Waugh; Gloria Guinness; Kick Kennedy; Prince Aly Khan; Pamela Churchill; Rita Hayworth; Gianni Agnelli; JFK and Jackie Kennedy; Aristotle Onassis; Elizabeth Taylor and Eddie Fisher, just to name a few.

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The House of Grimaldi has ruled the tiny principality of Monaco since January 8, 1297, when Francois "The Spiteful" Grimaldi disguised himself as a monk and knocked on his uncle's castle door, launching a coup. In the violence that followed, according to legend, a woman - possibly a lover of Francois, possibly a witch he had wronged (can't it be both?) - issued a curse that has resonated across the centuries: "Never will a Grimaldi find true happiness in marriage."

The Grimaldi family was considered scandalous enough in Queen Victoria's time that she forbade any of her close relatives to marry into it, leading Prince Albert I of Monaco to marry an American heiress in 1889 - a precedent that would matter decades later when Prince Rainier III, urged on by none other than shipping tycoon Aristotle Onassis, began interviewing Hollywood A-listers for a very special role: Princess of Monaco. Which is how Grace Kelly abandoned the big screen for the Rock of Monaco, and would go on to celebrate her 40th birthday in High Scorpio style.

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Sources

The Grimaldis of Monaco: Centuries of Scandal, Years of Grace, by Anne Edwards (Amazon)

Grace: The Secret Lives of a Princess, by James Spada (Amazon)

Elizabeth Taylor: There is Nothing Like a Dame, by Darwin Porter and Danforth Prince (Amazon)

A Detailed Look at the Many Romances of Prince Albert of Monaco (esquiremag.ph)

Portrait of Princess Caroline: Love and Philanthropy (hellomonaco.com)

Who is Giving Prince Ernst August a little TLC During his Marital Strife? (vanityfair.com)

Is Princess Caroline the Latest Victim of the Grimaldi Family Curse? (vanityfair.com)

A Runaway Princess Bride and Feudal Feuds: Three Insane Royal Weddings (vanityfair.com)

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Once their grandmother, Queen Victoria, died in 1901, Ernie and Ducky were finally free to do what everyone sorta kinda understood they should: divorce. But sovereigns don't divorce, so the situation became a scandal in the Royal Houses of Europe, and in Russia, Ernie's sister, Empress Alexandra, blamed Ducky for it all. This became a significant issue for Ducky, who had rekindled her romance with Russian Grand Duke Kirill Vladimirovich (another first cousin), whose station and nationality meant that he required Tsar Nicholas II's permission to marry, and Nicky's wife was having none of it, at least until World War I broke out.

Ernie remarried into a happier union with Princess Eleonore of Solms-Hohensolms-Lich, but the decades that followed for Ernie and Ducky were marred by great tragedy, including the death of their daughter Elisabeth at just eight years old.

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Sources

Princess Victoria Melita: Grand Duchess Cyril of Russia, 1876-1936, by John Van Der Kiste (Amazon)

Alice: Princess Andrew of Greece, by Hugo Vickers (Amazon)

Grandmama of Europe: The Crowned Descendants of Queen Victoria, by Theo Aronson (Amazon)

Queen Victoria's Matchmaking: The Royal Marriages that Shaped Europe, by Deborah Cadbury (Amazon)

Marie of Romania: The Intimate Life of a Twentieth Century Queen, by Terence Elsberry (Amazon)

Queen Victoria’s Granddaughters: 1860-1918, by Christina Croft (Amazon)

Queen Victoria's Grandsons (1859-1918), by Christina Croft (Amazon)

Seven Royal Marriages Almost as Disastrous as Catherine the Great’s | Vanity Fair

Princess Victoria Melita: the British princess who scandalised the royal family (historyextra.com)

Royal divorce: The princess whose divorce scandalised the royal family (express.co.uk)

DUCKY AND THE GRAND DUKE - The Washington Post

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Queen Victoria's efforts to make suitable matches for her dozens of grandchildren was in no way a flawless endeavor. Take today's subjects, for instance. First cousins Ernest Louis, Grand Duke of Hesse and by Rhine (nickname: Ernie) and Princess Victoria Melita of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha (nickname: Ducky), became the subject of intense Royal meddling as Victoria pushed Ernie to propose to Ducky, not realizing that Ernie's interests ran more to the young men employed at his court in Hesse.

But the wedding did eventually happen in 1894, leading to a union so spectacularly unhappy that Queen Victoria swore off the matchmaking game entirely.

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Queen Victoria and Prince Albert had a plan to use their nine children to unite Europe's various monarchies into one big, happy family. Unfortunately for those royal houses, Queen Victoria herself appears to have spontaneously developed a gene mutation for the inherited clotting disorder hemophilia.

With son Leopold affected, and two of her daughters as unwitting carriers of the disease, royal houses in Spain, Germany, and Russia all found themselves navigating a new terrain where the potential male heir to a dynasty could be at risk every day - with especially dire results in Russia.

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Before he was King Edward VII, Queen Victoria's son "Dirty Bertie" lived a few different lives. There was his endless womanizing and brothel-patronizing, which prompted that nickname, as well as "Edward the Caresser." But after a particular romantic scandal that Queen Victoria blamed for his father's death, Bertie married and fulfilled his duties to the empire to produce heirs (if not to produce a monogamous marriage).

Prince Albert Victor was the eldest son of Albert Edward, Prince of Wales (the future Edward VII) and Alexandra of Denmark. As such, he was second in line to the English throne. A poor student, even his own siblings developed disdain for him, but for a time he seemed to come into his own in the Navy. This was cut short by his obligation to attend Cambridge, where his lackluster intellect again asserted itself.

All of this was awkward enough for Queen Victoria and The Prince of Wales, but things would only get more awkward for Prince Albert Victor. In 1889, after Metropolitan Police raided a male brothel, rumors swirled that the young man was a patron. While no charges were ever brought and no concrete evidence was provided, the blow to his reputation made finding a suitable bride difficult for his match-making grandmother. Even worse, as the reign of terror known as the Jack the Ripper Murders gripped London in 1888, Prince Albert Victor was floated as a suspect.

Whatever the truth, his story would come to an end in an influenza pandemic when he was just 28 years old, changing the course of the British Monarchy, and leaving his brother to ascend as George V.

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As we continue looking at the lives and times of Queen Victoria's children and grandchildren, we're going to keep bumping into people who changed the course of human history, often for the worse. But when it comes to Germany's Kaiser Wilhelm II, Queen Victoria's first grandchild, events beginning with his breech birth lend a bit of context to emotional and moral deformities that he would inflict on the world in the form of World War I.

Wilhelm's mother, Princess Royal Victoria, very nearly died in childbirth when he was born in 1859, as did the young prince. The difficult delivery left him with a condition known today as Erb's Palsy, as well as possible brain damage from hypoxia during delivery. Because of his disabled and, eventually, significantly shorter left arm, his childhood was, in part, a series of painful physical ordeals. He was subjected to protracted sessions in binders and braces to try to strengthen or correct the injured arm, as well as folksier treatments like "animal baths." These are not the warm and fuzzy events you may be imagining.

Wilhelm adored his grandmother, and the feeling was quite mutual, but his mother's guilt over his injuries led to a level of estrangement between them as he grew up. The role of English doctors in his own birth, as well as in misdiagnosing his father's ultimately fatal throat cancer, appear to have fully curdled Wilhelm's feelings on England and the English. Add it all up, and by the time he ascended to the throne at 29, he was primed to do real damage on the world stage.

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While the thesis of this podcast is that our betters have always behaved badly, there are examples that really take it to the next level. Meet Princess Charlotte of Prussia, the first granddaughter of Queen Victoria, daughter of Princess Royal Victoria, and sister of Kaiser Wilhelm II, whose reputation for using people as pawns became legendary in her own time. From spreading rumors about her many cousins to dim their marriage prospects to hosting sex parties in order to blackmail the participants, Princess Charlotte was a headache to her family from the start.

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Sources

Grandmama of Europe: The Crowned Descendants of Queen Victoria, by Theo Aronson (Amazon link)

Queen Victoria's Granddaughters: 1860-1918, by Christina Croft (Amazon link)

The Prussian Princesses: The Sisters of Kaiser Wilhelm II, by John Van der Kiste (Amazon link)

ALL GERMANY TALKING OF IT.; The Kotze Scandal an Absorbing Topic Everywhere. - The New York Times

Sex parties, bloody duels and blackmail: life at court of last German emperor | Germany | The Guardian

THE SCANDALOUS PRINCESS CHARLOTTE OF PRUSSIA - Wap.org.ng

Feodora of Saxe-Meiningen - The unloved and misunderstood Princess - History of Royal Women

Feodora of Saxe-Meiningen (1879-1945) – Dearest Mama

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In her first decade and a half on the throne, Queen Victoria was pregnant for more than 40% of it. This was an irony, as she herself disliked the condition of pregnancy, and was no fan of small children, either. And yet, her lusty romance with her husband ultimately produced nine children, and a new project for the English monarchy: using matrimonial ties to stitch Europe into a friendly, peaceful future.

Well, it was a nice thought anyway. Aside from producing marriageable offspring, Victoria also inadvertently launched the gene for Hemophilia B into Europe's royal houses, a fact that becomes particularly significant to the Romanovs in just a couple of generations. More on that later.

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Crown Prince Rudolf's death left a young daughter in mourning, but her grandfather, Emperor Franz Joseph, stepped into the breech to become guardian of young Elisabeth Marie, future Archduchess. Though the two were close, Elisabeth was a fiery child who balked at convention, much like her father.

She cajoled her grandfather into approving her first marriage, a union unsuitable for her rank, but he ultimately relented and allowed Elisabeth to wed Prince Otto of Windisch-Graetz. Otto was as surprised as anyone by the union, leading to an unfortunate incident where Elisabeth murdered his mistress with a handgun he'd given her.

Though they would have four children, the marriage floundered, and by 1918 they were separated. In 1921, always a radical, Elisabeth joined the Social Democratic Party of Austria - hence, The Red Archduchess - and met her next flame, Leopold Petznek. The two would remain together until his death in 1956, though only married for a short time - on account of Elisabeth and Otto remaining married until 1948!

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Content warning: Suicide

This week, we take a little trip over to the Austro-Hungarian Emprire in the latter half of the 19th century to meet one of the more scandalous figures of his age - and a man whose death most likely put the world on the path toward World War I.

Crown Prince Rudolf of Austria grew up in an emotionally and physically abusive environment, tormented by the military official in charge of his education and ignored by his mother, whose affection he craved.

Bookish and forward-thinking, young Rudolf clashed often with his father, Emperor Franz Joseph, and struck out on his own as a Playboy Prince, nurturing a close friendship with Queen Victoria's heir, Bertie, Prince of Wales. While forced into a loveless marriage, Rudolf didn't slow his extracurriculars for even a minute; he would later contract, and share with his unsuspecting wife, gonorrhoea, and it's thought that the Prince himself may have contracted syphilis as well.

These are all unseemly things, to be sure, but it is the murder-suicide that ended both Crown Prince Rudolf's life, as well as his 17-year-old mistress's, that shook up the line of succession, forged a tight alliance with Germany, and seems to have inevitably led to the beginning of hostilities in 1914.

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We tend to think of Queen Victoria attired in black, with a dour countenance, but as a young queen she was anything but. Her marriage to Prince Albert was the rare love match, and according to her surviving letters and journal entries, the two enjoyed a vibrant intimacy, albeit in an era where birth control wasn't really a thing. The nine children Victoria and Albert produced speaks to that.

Then, Alicia has some tales from the more ordinary lives of Victorians in England, most of which evinced an enduring - and in our day, a somewhat funny - fascination with death.

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Queen Victoria was just 18 when she assumed the throne in the United Kingdom in 1837. She ruled for more than 63 years and is considered truly one of the great monarchs in history, but her reign did not start without a few hiccups. Looking at her first two years on the throne or so, we examine some of the personal politics that played out through the lenses of a few people in her orbit.

Sir John Conroy, her mother's comptroller (and possibly lover), had been integral to the much-loathed "Kensington System" under which she had been raised. While intended to make her meek and dependent on her mother and Conroy, the opposite happened, and when Victoria was finally liberated by the death of her uncle, King William IV, one of her first acts was to bar him from her presence. He remained her mother's comptroller, however, and would continue to attempt to exert malign influence for a few years to come.

The Whig Prime Minister at the time, Lord Melbourne, took a keen interest in the young Queen, and spent substantial amounts of time educating her on the finer points of politics in the Kingdom. This, of course, set less charitable tongues wagging, particularly given Lord Melbourne's fairly sordid background. Seriously - how did this guy manage to become PM?

In what became a genuine stain on Victoria's early years, the Lady Flora Hastings affair was a culmination of her enduring anger over the Kensington System, and gave John Conroy a last chance to attack the new Queen's judgment. When one of her mother's ladies-in-waiting, Lady Flora Hastings, developed a swollen belly and other signs of pregnancy, rumors swirled that the unmarried Lady Flora was pregnant with John Conroy's child. Animosity ran deep on all sides, and Victoria ultimately made clear that Lady Flora would not be permitted in her mother's household until she submitted to an invasive examination by the royal physician. Tragically, Lady Flora was not pregnant; her true condition was an advanced cancerous tumor on her liver, and the whole scandal - including Lady Flora's death just months later - left Victoria personally ashamed and publicly damaged.

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We tend to think of royal upbringings as fairly entitled, but for the future Queen Victoria, her childhood was more like a hostage situation. After her father's death when she was just an infant, her mother and (maybe) her mother's lover went to great lengths to control every aspect of her life. Young Victoria was simply never allowed to be alone, including sleeping in her mother's bedroom until the day she became Queen, and was not permitted to walk down stairs without holding the hand of either her mother or her governess. This so-called Kensington System, invented by her mother and Sir John Conroy, also kept her isolated from other children and her Hanoverian relatives, with the intent of making Victoria dependent on them for the rest of her life. In that, it was a colossal failure. As Queen, Victoria barely maintained a relationship with her mother, and Sir John Conroy was specifically banned from her apartments in one of her first acts as monarch.

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In the never-ending see-saw that was Romanov rule in Russia, a truly forward-thinking Tsar finally came to power in 1855. Alexander II accomplished Catherine the Great's never-achieved emancipation of Russia's serfs, among a host of other good-government reforms, leading his newly free and suddenly energized public to call him Alexander the Liberator.

Likely influenced by a grand tour of Europe when he was a young man (and during which he and a 20-year-old Queen Victoria may have had a bit of a romance), he took the throne amidst plenty of chaos left over from his father, Nicholas I's, rule. Russia was still bogged down in the Crimean War, for instance, a situation Alexander resolved by simply withdrawing Russia from the conflict and negotiating a disadvantageous peace that allowed him to focus on the stuff he really liked.

Under his leadership, with freedom in fairly full flower in Russia, new business formation went through the roof, new rail lines were built to expand commerce and promote defense, and municipalities and regions gained more rights for self-government. Trials by jury were the new fashion, and Russia even found a way to rid itself of a money-losing North American colony on the western coast of Canada.

But Russia remained Russia, and radical groups still chafed under Romanov rule. Alexander survived a number of assassination attempts during his reign, but in 1881, a bombing finally left him mortally wounded - and the bombers' stories would go on to intersect with Russian history in a profound way just a few decades later.

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Not every Romanov Nicholas got to be a Tsar. In the latter part of the 19th and early 20th century, the grandson of Nicholas I, Grand Duke Nicholas Konstantinovich, drove his royal family absolutely batty. The first in his family to go to college (as we would put it today), the dapper military hero scandalized St. Petersburg with his affair with an American woman and his theft - for money - of a valuable religious icon from his mother.

He was banished repeatedly; first to Tashkent, in Uzbekistan; later to Crimea, and eventually found his way back to Tashkent, where he was instrumental in developing canals, art museums, and irrigation projects. His death in Tashkent in January 1918 was certainly set against the backdrop of the revolution in Russia that swept his family from the throne; his relatives back in St. Petersburg were murdered by the Bolsheviks six months later.

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Upon the death (or departure?) of Russia's Alexander I in 1825, an unusual power struggle developed between his two surviving brothers. The eldest, Constantine, declined the opportunity to take power, leaving Nicholas, the youngest son of Paul I, the only legitimate candidate.

The delay, and apparent passing over of the next in line, prompted an uprising called the Decembrist Revolt, and while Nicholas successfully put it down, the rebellion likely heightened his more autocratic impulses, including the creation of an extensive secret police force whose job was to blot out any and all who might plot against his authority.

His efforts to control all facets of his subjects' lives led to horrifying outcomes. Russian Jews, in particular, were forced into military conscription, and Jewish children were often sent by the state to schools far away from their families and communities, where they could be indoctrinated in an effort at Russification. Strongly opposed to civil liberties and popular revolution, he engaged with Europe largely to back monarchs against their people. After Russia's military incompetence was revealed in the Crimean War, Nicholas died after a 30 year reign when he refused medical treatment for pneumonia. Contemporaries described it as "passive suicide," and a close aid wrote soon after, "The main failing of the reign of Nicholas Pavlovich was that it was all a mistake."

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It's almost a historical accident that England's Queen Victoria, granddaughter of King George III, was born at all. Her father, George III's fourth son, shared his many brothers' predilection for the freedom of a bachelor's life, so when the heir apparent of the next generation, Princess Charlotte, died in childbirth, the princes of England found themselves in a race to marry and produce legitimate offspring to eventually take the crown.

Victoria's father, Edward, Duke of Kent, was high up in the line of succession himself, but having succeeded in marrying and producing Victoria, he promptly died - meaning that there was no chance that he and her mother, Princess Victoria of Saxe-Coburg-Saalfeld, could produce a male heir to leapfrog her in the line.

It's safe to say that the sons of George III were a blight on the country and the monarchy, but somehow out of that whole mess, one of Great Britain's finest and most beloved monarchs emerged.

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In the see-saw nature of Russian leadership, Catherine the Great had died before establishing her grandson, the future Alexander I, as her heir, leaving Alexander's father, Paul I, to take the big chair in his stead. This... went poorly for Paul, who was assassinated by a group of his nobles after just four and a half years. Alexander I became Emperor of Russia in 1801, and spent the first part of his reign navigating a complicated relationship with Napoleon Bonaparte's France.

After helping the European alliance to victory in the Napoleonic Wars, he became drawn to mysticism, and gradually seemed to withdraw from interest in the duties of a monarch. When Alexander's wife, Louise of Baden, took ill and required a change of weather in 1825, the couple boarded a train heading south. Stories here diverge; in the official account, Alexander I caught typhus on the journey, dying in the southern town of Taganrog. But another story developed, too, and continues to captivate. A decade later, a mysterious monk named Feodor Kuzmich arrived in Siberia with a knowledge, bearing, and wisdom that grew the legend that the monk was in fact Alexander, having faked his own death to escape the bondage of his title.

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As the long reign of Catherine the Great wound down, she made moves to ensure the succession of her grandson, Alexander, but those were still incomplete by the time she died. Instead, it was her estranged son Paul who became emperor, and while his reign was not long, it was spiteful and much reviled by both the public and the elites. In just four and a half years, Paul I passed nearly 8,000 laws engineered to roll back the achievements and advances made by his mother, who he blamed for his father's death, and plunge Russia backward.

It was only four and a half years before a conspiracy of nobles attempted to depose Paul by forcing him to sign papers of abdication. When he resisted, they beat him to death, leaving the throne to his son Alexander, who had known of the plot for a bloodless coup, and never forgave himself for not interceding in a plot that, in fact, led to his father's murder. We'll be back next week with the mystery of Emperor Alexander I.

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One of history's great ironies is that one of Russia's most successful periods occurred under the leadership of a monarch with not a drop of Russian blood. Catherine II, better known as Catherine the Great, was a minor Prussian princess whose fairly horrible mother set her sights on achieving notoriety through her daughter.

Fortunately for young Catherine (who was born Sophie), Frederick the Great of Prussia had a political project to strengthen ties between his country and Russia, and Russia's Empress Elizabeth needed her heir, the future Peter III, to find a wife, have babies, and continue the Romanov line. All eyes turned to the 16-year-old from Anhalt-Zerbst.

The marriage went poorly, but the real surprise occurred on the death of Empress Elizabeth in 1762. While crowned as Empress Consort to her husband, Peter III, it was only a matter of months before Catherine deposed her husband, forced him to sign an abdication, and became Russia's sole ruler, and the longest-ruling Empress in Russia's history.

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It feels safe to say that when Russians recall a leader's reign as a "dark era," we're into some deeply, deeply dark events. Empress Anna, a niece of Peter the (Not So) Great, had survived many humiliations before Russia's Supreme Privy Council elevated her to Empress; they thought she would be easy to control, but instead, her decade-long reign was characterized by Anna's cruelty and capriciousness. A career of personal vendettas was fueled by her limitless power and a secret police system she stood up to discover and end plots against her.

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For the Dutch Republic, 1672 was a series of existential catastrophes that nearly saw the nation swallowed by France's Louis XIV. But the internal push and pulls that culminated in the brutal murder and partial consumption of the man who'd run the place for a couple of decades actually began much, much earlier, when Martin Luther (perhaps) hammered his Ninety-Five Theses into a church door, sparking a flowering of dissonant thought across Europe, as well as a brutal regime of repression to try to tamp it down.

Across the 80 year struggle for Dutch independence from Spain, a succession of Princes of the House of Orange ably managed the country's political and military affairs. But once the war ended, Dutch nobility preferred to decentralize power through a Republican model of government, putting the House of Orange and its supporters on the margins. This went pretty well, right up until it didn't, and as the calamities of 1672 unfolded, public anger against the longtime administrator of the country, Johan de Witt, grew into the kind of blind rage that leads to dangerous mob violence. In The Hague that August, it led all the way to cannibalism.

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The last couple of years have been a time of enormous change for the House of Windsor, the United Kingdom, and the 14 nations that comprise the Commonwealth, and we are so grateful to be joined by podcasting superstar and Royal watcher extraordinaire Kristen Meinzer to discuss.

When Queen Elizabeth II died on September 8, 2022, Prince Charles, England’s longest-serving Prince of Wales, immediately fulfilled the obligation he had waited 73 years to meet: He became King Charles III, and his second wife, the former Camilla Parker Bowles, was coronated Queen alongside him on May 6 of this year.

It’s no secret that Charles and Camilla’s history is… complicated. Kristen walks us through the decades of history behind their 2005 marriage, as well as the toxicity of Camilla’s close friendships with some of the UK’s least savory media personalities.

Check out more of Kristen’s Royal (and more) watching at The Daily Fail podcast on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.

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Pausing from the messiness of Plantagenet England, Alicia takes us on a trip to the east to visit Mother Russia, circa 1700, where the Romanov Tsar Peter the Great was busily acquiring lands, founding cities, and reforming the institutions of a country that - largely through his efforts - would become a major player on the world state for centuries to come. But with those accolades and accomplishments, it's important to recall that the dude was really, really trashy - as his two wives, many mistresses, and romantic rivals would attest to. At least, those whose heads didn't end up in jars.

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Alicia continues with our inexorable march to the Tudor dynasty with yet another French princess contributing to the Plantagenet - now technically Lancastrian - line of the English monarchy. Her marriage to King Henry V, grandson of John of Gaunt and great grandson of King Edward III, was cut tragically short when Henry died on military adventure in France. Doubly tragically, Henry's child with Catherine, Henry VI, had been born just months before his demise.

What's a 21-year-old, beautiful, royal Dowager Queen to do? An early flirtation with a member of the Beaufort line was stymied by an act of Parliament, but all's well that ends well, because that left the door open for a (presumably) dashing young Welshman employed in the household by the name of Owen Tudor. Yes - through a possible secret marriage to Catherine - he became the grandfather of those Tudors.

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It's probably impossible to fully understand the events leading up to the Tudor dynasty without talking about perhaps the 14th century's most singular figure - at least from a historical perspective. John of Gaunt was the third son of King Edward III, and through beneficial marriages, became extremely rich in both land and money. His successes on the battlefield and the untimely death of his brother, Edward the Black Prince, made him a powerful political operator. But perhaps the most consequential thing John of Gaunt did was carry on a years-long extramarital affair with a woman named Katherine Swynford - resulting in four children who were given the surname "Beaufort." Theirs was a questionable lineage that would nevertheless have its day in the sun almost a century later.

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While the 14th century wasn't exactly a hotbed of feminist fervor in England, the place wasn't without its powerful and intriguing women. Joan of Kent was one. Though her family was caught up in the armed conflicts that ended the reign of Edward II, once Edward III threw off the restraints imposed by his mother, Isabella of France, he welcomed Joan's family - his relatives - back to his court.

This might have been the happy end of Joan's role in history except for the little matter of her bigamy - and eventual marriage to Edward III's eldest son, Edward, the Black Prince. While the Black Prince did not live long enough to succeed his father, his union with Joan made her the mother of the final Plantagenet King of England, Richard II.

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The War of the Roses was hardly the first period of civil war in England. In fact, Edward III's father oversaw such a period long before Eddie III's kids kicked off a few generations of bloody sibling rivalry. Interestingly for the age, Edward II's wife, Isabella of France, had a starring role in ending his disastrous reign. Alicia has the full story, from the 12-year-old fully royal child bride to, many years later, her return to England with an invasion force provided by the Count of Hainaut (in modern day Belgium), with which she waged a successful campaign against her husband and, perhaps, his lover, Hugh Despenser.

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Unsurprisingly, the French Revolution didn’t happen particularly spontaneously. Years of financial mismanagement, poor crops, massive unemployment, and a swelling population in Paris itself all contributed to a growing dissatisfaction with King Louis XVI and the monarchy in general. The King’s cause wasn’t helped at all by a lingering suspicion that his wife, Queen Marie Antoinette, was a profligate spender and an Austrian spy, but Marie Antoinette’s reputation took a calamitous hit in 1785, when an ambitious con artist named Jeanne de la Motte hatched a plan to acquire one of the most expensive jewelry pieces ever crafted.

Playing on the vanity and avarice of one of her lovers, Cardinal Louis de Rohan, Jeanne and her crew succeeded in boosting a piece worth $2 million – and forever ended any goodwill the French public had toward their Queen.

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Welcome to the Court of the Trashy Royals, friends! Today, Alicia takes us on a wild ride through the family values of the descendants of England’s King Edward III (1312-1377), who basically spent the next century-plus fighting over who would wear the big crown. The question was finally settled by the emergence of England’s first Tudor king, whose red- and white-rose motif represented a final coming together of the White Rose of the House of York and the Red Rose of the House of Lancaster.

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Rounding out the Julio-Claudian emperors of Rome is Nero, the fifth and final of his line. While his ascension was initially met with relief, it was only a few short years before Nero’s hands were as covered in blood as his predecessors’, but it was a fire that finally sealed his fate.

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While Rome expanded its reach across Europe and onto the isles of Britannia, not everyone was on board with domination from a distant bureaucracy. Rebellions and uprisings in Roman-held territory were not particularly uncommon, but a series of missteps by Roman governors in what is now the United Kingdom amounted to a series of costly own-goals.

After Caligula’s successor, Claudius, gained a foothold in Britain in AD 43, his armies were forced to put down an uprising four years later, which likely laid the groundwork for a bloody insurgency that nearly cost Rome its entire occupation in AD 60 or 61.

Who was the fierce commander who set the legions of Rome on their heels? It was Boudica of the Iceni, a once Rome-friendly Queen of her people who became an icon of the fury of a woman pushed too far, and a keystone of the modern UK’s national identity.

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Imagine being so destructive, and so capricious in your violence and sadism, that even two thousand years after you shake off your mortal coil, your childhood nickname still evokes wickedness, wantonness, and profound corruption among all who hear it.

Welcome to Trashy Royals, friends, where we begin with Rome’s third emperor – and among its most notorious – Gaius Caesar Augustus Germanicus, known to his parents as Caligula (“Little Boots” in their native tongue).

Caligula’s path to Roman Emperor was bloody and twisted, with his family murdered or exiled by Emperor Tiberius, who in turn became something of a sadism teacher to his receptive student. History is replete with examples of poor rulers and bad people, but few figures combine the worst of both as shockingly as Caligula.

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New from the team at Hemlock Creatives, Alicia and Stacie (Trashy Divorces) turn their jaded eyes toward the long history of Our Betters, only to find that they, too, are raging dumpster fires. Weekly episodes begin May 4 - subscribe now and never miss the trashcandy!

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