Unbitten: A Journey Through the Twilight Saga

ITS THAT CHAPTER. Post sex sulking Edward. The bliss of Bella and the cringe of Edward. The mormon sex talks. One of those episodes where we really get into the religious bias in how they talk about sex.

Coming to you FROM THE SAME HOME it's us! In this very special episode, Cam travels all the way to visit Em, just to talk more about these silly books. Chapter 4 sees a happy Bella at her wedding, and an unhappy Jacob who proved once again he can't be trusted to be chill. It's sad, it's angering, and it's kind of sweet? Still confused that this book keeps managing to be decent (we have a low bar).

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Today we cover both chapter 2 and 3 of Breaking Dawn. The chapters in which Edward has to go to a bachelor party while Bella thinks about bloodthirsty vampire babies and has more incredibly specific dreams, and also in which Bella gets ready to be married and then does in fact get married. Cameron questions deeper about vampire biology, and Emily is here with very "helpful" answers. Readers and listeners alike want to know! How do those dicks work!

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WELCOME TO BREAKING DAWN. The beginning of the end of the saga. In this exciting episode we get into why... Stephenie Meyer wrote a good chapter for once? From discussions of Bella's absurd "before" car to excitement for that honeymoon, this episode sure is a ride.

Thank you to our editor Edward's Hairball (aka Emily)

Twitter: https://twitter.com/UnbittenPod

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It's FINALLY HEREE!!!! And it's a long one!! Join Cam, Em, AND a special hairball guest- our editor- for our Eclipse moie episode! We discuss editor Emily's husband's astute observations, new iconic scenes (bAtTLe sCaRs), Cam's new crush, and more!

Thank you as always to our editor, Emily (Hairball!)

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Cam and Em return once again for more Bree Tanner. We continue to discover how much better S Meyer is at writing shorter books, we begin to stan Fred, and, as always, we question our sanity.

Thank you to our editor, Emily (Hairball)!!

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In this episode we cover the first half of the Short Second Life of Bree Tanner. While questioning Stephenie Meyer's ability to write teenagers, we also sit in shock at how this book is somehow... BETTER? If only all her novels were forced to be novellas. Also vampire kissing is WEIRD!

Em and Cam are eternally relieved to finally finish another installment of The Twilight Saga! We wrap up this third book with the closest thing SM will get to spice, releasing Alice upon the world of wedding planning, and Jacob's most emo moment yet. Strap in, besties.

Thanks to our editor Edward's Hairball for their help in making this podcast as unhinged as possible!

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On this episode of Unbitten we discuss Chapter 26 of Eclipse. We are so very tired of Jacob and his manipulation and Bella and her guilt. In fact we seem to be pretty tired of this book now that the action is over as we kept trying to talk about anything OTHER than the book.

Thanks to our editor Edward's Hairball as always for managing our chaos and adding their own chaos!
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In a characteristically Stephanie Meyer moment, this book continues to place all its drama in the last 4 chapters. One of our favs (or least favs) is hurt, we get a visit from some old friends from last book, and we commit some arson. We also discuss the lack of proper stakes, Bella's fainting problem, and Victoria's overall plot. Plus, we get a sneak peek into what we'll be reading next!!

We are back at it again with more Eclipse! We get into the crazy stuff today, including a final confrontation with a long-established villain, Bella's main character syndrome, and... rocks.

Merry Christmas to those who celebrate it's time to listen to an episode where everyone makes bad decisions! We get very angry at Bella and even more angry at Jacob. He really has the audacity.
Timestamps for talking about suicide: 47:01 - 50:33
Thanks to our editor Edward's Hairball as always for managing our chaos and adding their own chaos!
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After a bit of a break due to scheduling issues, Em and Cam return for chapter 22 of Eclipse! We discuss jealousy between bros, ponder Jacob's possible foot fetish and confirmed weird fantasies, and return to our roots by dunking on S Meyer's horrible writing abilities.

In chapter 21 of Eclipse, we are unhappy to report that Alice behaves badly with guilt tripping over the wedding. Edward takes Bella on a little walk through the woods while she wipes her hands on things and then her open wound on trees and stuff, how cute! Also Jacob is back with all his audacity and no one is happy about it!
Thanks as always to our wonderful editor, Edward's Hairball. We love you!
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Chapter 20 of Eclipse aka the sexy times chapter (almost) where things get as spicy as they can get for a Mormon-written novel. Truly some unhinged nonsense in this one besties we are just out here saying shit. Rip to Cam though she's cancelled so podcast over now I guess. We had a good run. 

Thanks as always to our wonderful editor, Edward's Hairball. We love you!
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Hoo boy! The girls are back with more Twilight fun! Join us as we explore Bella and Edward making a compromise, the absolute DRAMA that is the wolf pack, and the potential for steamy times in a glass house.

Cam survived her illness so we're finally back with a new episode covering a fun chapter of vampire fighting tactics. Who knew Jasper would suddenly become relevant 3 books into the series and 75% through the book.

Thanks as always to our wonderful editor, Edward's Hairball. We love you!

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In chapter 17 of Eclipse we discuss the AUDACITY of Jacob to even show up to this party. Cam makes some more predictions regarding this vampire army. Stay tuned to the very very end of the episode for a delight to your ears.

Edited by the wonderful Edward's Hairball, a patron and member of our discord server.
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Starting off with a bang for chapter 16 which is funny to say for such an uninteresting chapter. We mostly complain about the pacing because who cares about graduation we certainly don't! However, very important comeback for our fave khaki skirt and we have to also commend Edward for continuing to improve as a person and we get another apology from him. Important plot information is revealed as Bella connects the dots we all connected like five chapters ago.

Edited by the wonderful Edward's Hairball, a patron and member of our discord server.
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Trigger warning: Talk of sexual assault throughout the episode.

Join us in episode 55 of Unbitten: Jacob is the WORST aka CHEEKS OUT PISSIN! In this episode, we discuss just how horrid Jacob is in his attempts to win Bella, marvel at Edward's restraint, and take a stand against Charlie once and for all.

Edited by the wonderful Edward's Hairball, a patron and member of our discord server.

For this week's episode we answer some patron AMAs, then try to dig into what is one of the worst chapters of the book so far because Stephenie Meyer can't write. Have we mentioned we don't think she can write? Enjoy such conversation discussions as how to break a femur, why can't vampires just drink blood bags, and how we feel about Jacob's confession at the end of the chapter.

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Join Em and Cam as we explore Chapter 13 of Eclipse! In this episode, we explore Jasper’s backstory, with all its weird and problematic twists and turns. Also, air conditioner troubles, googling Stephanie Meyer’s place of birth, and more!

After a short break we are back and RECORDING IN THE SAME ROOM with live studio audience - Em's girlfriend (perhaps kidnapped and held hostage to finally listen to an episode). This episode covers chapter 12 of Eclipse in which we surprisingly see some good communication between Bella and Edward and Cameron makes some predictions on Jasper's backstory. We also happened to get a little tipsy, talk about sexual health (we aren't doctors!), and take a dive into the world of True Crime in the middle of the podcast!

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This is the episode where we get all the old Quileute legends and how the werewolves came to be. More importantly though, this is the episode where S. Meyer's racism shows once again (yaaaay.....). Magical spirit warriors vs potato head vampires who will win? Also just a reminder once again THIS PODCAST IS EXPLICIT. What else can you do with dismembered cold vampire parts? If only this book wasn't written by a Mormon. Also don't forget gentle listeners, even vampire sex requires ongoing consent!

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Welcome back to Unbitten! Join Em and Cam as they simp over Kristen Stewart, make fun of Bella for having no hobbies, and question how Jacob managed to stab himself with a knife. 

After a break for ~Aries Season~ we are back with another episode covering Chapter 9 of Eclipse. In this episode we discuss how Charlie is losing his status as one of our faves and his learned helplessness in taking care of the house. Cam make's some predictions about who snuck into Bella's room and then we revel in how amazing it has been to see some actual positive character development in Edward. Also Jacob apologizes!

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In this episode of Unbitten, we get the fun (discomfort) of discussing imprinting in more depth because the Quil and Claire thing happened. It's grooming, people! Lock these dogs up we say! We also see the end of Cam's Team Jacob allegiance as he says some pretty awful things out of jealousy and hatred. This chapter is so juicy guys. Horny? In my mormon vampire series? It's more likely than you think! We get men apologizing, we get making out, we get Edward character development. Wow. 

Today we cover a heavy but interesting chapter! TRIGGER WARNING: Sexual assault, physical violence, r*pe -- time stamps: 22:15-30:00. Em and Cam discuss Rosalie's tragic backstory and badass revenge, Cam's drunken adventures, and weird sexist author moments. A classic twilight chapter.....

In this episode of Unbitten Cam and Em talk romance and dating advice vis a vis blood pendants. Also, once again, who is Austin? It's no surprise we're mad at Edward this chapter but we feel the Alice betrayal big time, and oops we talk about piss again sorry xoxo enjoy. Of course we also discuss the SEXY BED.

In this episode, Em and Cam discuss chapter five of Eclipse, which includes some CRAZY new lore, a wild Sam x Emily origin story, and another Bella temper tantrum. Also, we answer patron AMAs, discuss the weird sexualization of female animals in animated movies, and talk about our old lady joints, despite both of us being in our 20s.

Covering chapter 4 of Eclipse this week, we spend more time making fun of Stephenie Meyer's overall lack of writing skill, from Bella's overly whiny 'worst day ever' to the really lame fridge magnet metaphor. Cam and Em share their cereal preferences and ask which cereal lasts longest in milk. We also make a request for Emmett and Rosalie fanfiction please and thank you. We also offer our expert relationship advice to anyone who needs it (dump him).

We are back after the holidays with Chapter 3 of Eclipse, where we talk about Jacob's height (again), Edward acting like a cat in more ways than one, and many other things ranging from serious to hysterical. Also, as always, minecraft, sims, and other nerd shit.

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Jumping into chapter 2 of Eclipse this week, we are right back to being mad at the men in Bella's life. Cam makes some predictions about Alice's secret prediction and Em offers alternatives to making out with Edward - perhaps a flagpole instead? Once again we question Vampire anatomy and struggle to imagine a rock hard flaccid dick. Have we mentioned this podcast is rated Explicit? Also redemption for Cam as Edward and Bella finally talk about those damn Jacksonville tickets. 

It feels like years since we started New Moon, but we are finally done and moving on to book 3: Eclipse! Join us as we reiterate Charlie's stupidity and Billy's love of gossip, discuss Jacob's strange epistolary choices, and shit on Edward for like the millionth time.

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After finishing the book at last we finally get to watch the movie for New Moon! Joining us for this special movie episode are Charlie and Hannah from Goblet of Wine (A drunken Harry Potter podcast). While thirsting for every daddy in this movie we also question Edward's waxing routine, judge the vampires' foundation, and discover (expose) Jasper's secret piss kink. Be prepared for some Taylor Lautner simping and an educational description of what 'soaking' is.

If you enjoyed Charlie and Hannah be sure to check out Goblet of Wine podcast:
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Oh my god!! We finally finished another book! Join us as we round out our reading of New Moon with, you guessed it, getting really annoyed with Edward and Jacob! Also, animal crossing news, our lives falling apart, and like 5 minutes of trying to remember where one movie quote came from.

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If you wanted us to yell about Edward for almost an entire episode then this is it! From so called apologies, to weird guilt tripping we are HERE to call out the bullshit. If Edward was a real person he would be the one making notes app twitter apologies left and right. We do some unpacking of Bella’s fear of turning 30 and Cam makes some predictions about the end of the book.

Covering chapter 22 of New Moon this week which means talking about anything other than the book! Casting choices for the new Mario movie are questionable, Cam recommends an opera about a frat boy to everyone and we talk about the best way to get spiders out of the shower. We also solve the mystery of Aro's onion skin and talk about more confusing vampire biology. Also Halloween is coming soon! What costumes are you guys dressing up as?

We are done prerecording and are back to our usually scheduled nonsense! Join Em and Cam as we discuss our new living situations, dive into some fun Volturi lore, and contemplate whether or not Aro has layers like Shrek. Spoiler alert: methinks he does!

Join us on episode 35 where we talk about some actual good media for about 5 minutes before remembering we are a Twilight podcast. Cam declares she will go back in time to prevent bad 2000's fashion, we criticize the Cullens' cars and question (again) Edward's stupid sparkle plan. With Edward back... it's return to simp city.

Because of contractual obligations we did have to do an episode about the worst chapter in this book, chapter 19 which is nothing but a series of flights and Bella being upset. In a surprising twist Cam actually does some research about the city of Volterra. We also question Edward's sense of drama because who actually thinks sparkles are scary??

In this episode of Unbitten we cover chapter 18 of New Moon and discuss Bella's constant need to apologize, how Jacob is a shitty friend and Stephenie Meyer's bad foreshadowing. If there are any conclusions to draw in this chapter it's that Edward has the audacity. Spoiler alert: they don't go to Jacksonville. Also aside from our usual wish for Bella to go to therapy we think she should probably get that fainting condition checked out because girl what is wrong with you!

In this episode of Unbitten, we discuss chapter 17 of New Moon and approaching plot! Alice is here and we are so glad for it. We question how Alice's visions work, see that Jacob is a shitty friend and at last we get the scoop on what the Cullens have been up to since leaving Forks. Where is our dark academia college version of Twilight? Please!  

Note there is a trigger warning for discussions of suicide from 8:40-14:30.

This week, Em and Cam talk about literally anything other than New Moon. Okay, well, we do talk about New Moon. But there are lots of tangents, including but not limited to Monsters Inc, Fortnite, and a multimillion-dollar fur suit drycleaning service. But on the actual topic of the book, we discuss Bella's confusing thought processes and poor analysis of a famous Shakespeare play, as well as Jacob's growing toxic traits. This one is a wild one, but I think you're expecting that by now. 

In this spicy episode covering chapter 15 of New Moon we get into a deep discussion on how to improve werewolves, thoughts toxic relationships and also unpack Bella's cliff-diving desires. Once more we preach that everyone needs therapy! Content warning for discussing the topic of drowning as well as trigger warnings for discussion of glorification of death, self harm and suicidal ideation from 47:30-67:00.

In this episode, Cam figures out the entire plot of the series. For real. Go listen, we're not even kidding.

Cam and Em release their full unhinged energy in discussing chapter 13 where we spend more time talking about anything else but the book. Emily does some math (sorry!) and proves S. Meyer never thinks (again). We debate what we would do if our kid was a furry and also what it means to be critical of media.

Welcome back! This week, both of our idiot protagonists decide to make attempts at intelligent thought, Bella's dreams get too OP, and Jacob has a strange but fitting kink. Also, Bella is a limp noodle and Sam is probably still t posing.

Join us in an (finally) exciting chapter with questionable cult activities, a confrontation in the woods, a man who hates that he's a monster - wait is this just Twilight again? Different man, same problems. Also Charlie is a good dad but once again ruins it by reminding everyone he is a cop.

Cam and Em are both a year older and a year dumber, and they are back to talk more about New Moon. In Chapter 10 we finally get some plot, run into a familiar but unfriendly face, and meet the mysterious giant bear(s). We also talk about mono, peppa pig, the monstrous feminine, and Jacob's wolf form being dummy thicc.

It's ARIES SEASON!!! Welcome back for a chapter filled with awkward encounters and secondhand embarrassment - that's right, it's chapter 9 of New Moon! Once again we find ourselves asking when will Mike stop as we tread the swampy grounds of this movie theatre scene. We chat about our own worst moments throwing up, officially convert to Team Jacob, and, of course: reminder to stream Montero (Call Me By Your Name) by Lil Nas X!

Once again we are asking for Bella to get some help. Chapter 8 takes us through a lesson on motorcycle parts, Cam simping for shirtless Jacob, and a 5 minute quest to figure out how a compass and grid pattern might work.

In episode 22 we cover Chapter 7 of New Moon: Repetition. There's a lot to unpack in this episode: primarily learning that Emily doesn't know how to make Lasagna, when god, WHEN will Mike stop, and secret culty werewolf lore maybe? We also briefly turn into a Maximum Ride podcast and learn the deep lore about what really made Cameron queer.

Join us as we cover chapter 6 and delve into why we are now Team Jacob, Bella's depression and why Emily is so fragile she teared up three times in this chapter. Sometimes its just nice for people to have nice things in their life and we feel that way about this chapter.

Somebody please get Bella some therapy!!! Or she can just be a bad bitch and get a motorcycle. Basically the same thing, right? Thank you to Jacob Black and Jacob Black only for being a likeable character and 6 foot 5.

In which we somehow spend an hour talking about a 25 page chapter where almost nothing happens except for Bella being depressed and reckless. We sincerely apologizing for not making any 'waking up to ash and dust' jokes from the title of this chapter, and will try harder next time to correct similar errors.

Enjoy what is essentially an hour long rant about Edward Cullen being trash and MEN DON'T BE LIKE THIS! We might have shed a real actual emotional tear.

New book time!! Em's cat Fergus has many cameos, we discuss once again just how hot and good Carlisle and Alice are, and Cam continues to realize just how different real vampire lore is from Sims vampire lore. TW: In depth talk of suicide, timestamps 28:18-34:39.

The finale episode of Twilight! Baseball scene, the weird acrobatics of the ballet studio fight, and questionable 2000s fashion! Thanks again to our guest Lauren for sitting through 3 hours of recording with us <3

Simp city 2: electric boogaloo aka Twilight movie pt. 2 with special guest Lauren!

Finally it is here! Part one of delving into the movie universe of Twilight and the epitome of Robert Pattinson simping. Joining us for these movie episodes is special guest, our friend, Lauren! We did the thing we promised. We played the Twilight drinking game while watching and recorded drunk.... You're welcome??

Also announcing our new patreon! https://www.patreon.com/unbittenpod 

We cap off the Twilight book by talking about prom for half the episode, and then Cameron has a coughing fit. Don't worry, she lives! But will Bella live through a school dance? Find out in this episode of Unbitten.

The end is near, chapters 23 and 24 with the good angst, heart monitor shenanigans and questions of Edward's sexual prowess.

In chapters 21 and 22, we finally have real plot! It's a truly exciting time! Also, Warrior Cats, again.

Join Cameron and Emily in such wonderings as: Can you ferment blood? Can bears turn into vampire bears? It's chapters 19 and 20 of Twilight!

WE HAVE NEW MICROPHONES!!!! Oh, and also, sh*t hits the fan.

Chapters 15 and 16 take us on a journey to the Cullen house. ....Wait how old is Daddy Carlisle?! 

Finally the meadow scene and sparkly boy! It's chapters 13 and 14 of Twilight. Join us in hotly debated Milk Discourse, the mechanics of Vampire sex, and is Edward choking Bella? It's Unbitten episode 7!

Closet door drama, The 1997 film Gattaca and sexual tension, and more questionable chapter titles. Join Cameron and Emily on chapters 11 and 12 of Twilight!

This week we discuss chapters 9 and 10 of Twilight and discover who is the "can math gay" and who is the "can't math gay". One thing is for sure and that is S. Meyer can't math at all. 

Join us as we talk about Chapters 7 and 8 of Twilight. 

Blood typing OMG and... Jacob is THAT young? 

We hit up chapters 3 and 4. We are snarky as usual. There are Warrior Cats references and a killer Snape impression. It's Unbitten Episode two!

In this first episode of our new podcast, join Cameron (first time reader) and Emily (long time fan) in reading Twilight chapters 1 and 2.