Worst Movies Ever Played

While we're in "post-pro" on our third season of Worst Movies Ever Played (coming soon!), here's a bonus made-for-TV style movie called Sunset House from the mid-80s horror anthology series Stories Related to and Generally Concerning the Graveyard.

Percy, an encyclopedia salesman, and Kushy, a van-loving vagabond, are amateur supernatural investigators who come upon a legendary haunted house. No one who stays the night survives until morning, and when the house traps Percy and Kushy inside, they soon learn why.

This special episode is a crossover with Shelterwood, an upcoming 16 episode docu-horror audio fiction series about a missing girl, an impossible suburb, and the American dream. Shelterwood is written and produced by our story editor Stephen Indrisano. Check out Shelterwood's Indiegogo campaign and delve into the mystery.

CREDITS

Your Director: Stephen Indrisano

Percy Marsten: Patrick Baker

Kushy: Geoffrey Golden

Story Editor & Sound Design: Stephen Indrisano

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@GeoffreyGolden

@BrentLButler

Straight to VHS is a product of Lost Cat Games.

Movie Trivia: The house used as the main shooting location was owned at the time by Kojak star Telly Savalas. In the background of the kitchen are a box of lollipops.

In the thrilling conclusion of A Hot Night In CyberDallas, Ronnie Fax-Machine and Paramnesia face off against Major Lazer, a Jamaican cyborg killing machine that is, strangely enough, not musical in any way. At the table, Brent adds a dimension of sexy realism to the Cyberpunk genre by pondering the electrical and plumbing layouts of an office building in 2044.

Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.

CREDITS:

Your Director: Patrick Baker

Ronny Faxmachine: Geoffrey Golden

Father Paramnesia: Brent Butler

Story Editor: Julian Mundy

Sound Design: Adam Baker

FOLLOW:

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@ItsPatrickBaker

@Geoffrey Golden

@BrentLButler

Straight to VHS is a product of Lost Cat Games.

MOVIE TRIVIA: In the script, the name of the company is spelled "Texus Instraments," making them invulnerable to lawsuits.

In part two of A Hot Night In CyberDallas, Ronnie Fax-Machine and Paramnesia continue to work their way up the Texas Instruments tower, fighting back against the big calculator lobby with biblical holograms and plain old violence. At the table, Geoffrey and Brent finally figure out that they can search the bodies of enemies for clues. Patrick learns that his Jamaican accent is so bad, they should hire an actor to play an NPC

Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.

CREDITS:

Your Director: Patrick Baker

Ronny Faxmachine: Geoffrey Golden

Father Paramnesia: Brent Butler

Story Editor: Julian Mundy

Sound Design: Adam Baker

FOLLOW:

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@ItsPatrickBaker

@Geoffrey Golden

@BrentLButler

Straight to VHS is a product of Lost Cat Games.

MOVIE TRIVIA: The holographic Bible violence in the film was cited as the primary inspiration for Pureflix.

In 2044, the megacorporation of Texas Instruments and its CEO, TJ MacCune, lords over all of CyberDallas. Ronnie Fax-Machine, a veteran of Texas Instruments’ human fax program, is on a quest to make the company resume tech support for human faxes. Paramnesia, a holo-priest, believes that Texas Instruments has killed God. Together, they team up to break into the Texas Instruments tower. At the table, Patrick fights (and loses) a battle with a cardboard box flap.

Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.

CREDITS:

Your Director: Patrick Baker

Ronny Faxmachine: Geoffrey Golden

Paramnesia: Brent Butler

Story Editor: Julian Mundy

Sound Design: Adam Baker

FOLLOW:

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@ItsPatrickBaker

@Geoffrey Golden

@BrentLButler

Straight to VHS is a product of Lost Cat Games.

MOVIE TRIVIA: The film was adapted from a newspaper article about a man who ate faxes at a local fair.

In the conclusion of Sex 84, Sam Droid has been apprehended and brought to the former lab of Tommy Funkhauser and Dr. Blazen. Tommy Funkhauser plans to use these sex robots as part of the secret government project, Readiness Exercise 1984. Dr. Blazen just wants hijinks, which totally ensue when Sam Droid escapes, giant marijuana plants attack, and other robots consider the philosophy of Objectivism.

Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.

CREDITS:

Your Director: Patrick Baker

Sam Droid: Geoffrey Golden

Dr. Blazen: Brent Butler

Story Editor: Julian Mundy

Sound Design: Adam Baker

FOLLOW:

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@ItsPatrickBaker

@Geoffrey Golden

@BrentLButler

Straight to VHS is a product of Lost Cat Games.

MOVIE TRIVIA: Ayn Rand is bad!

In Sex 84, Dr. Blazen, a genius scientist who loves smoking weed heads back to his former lab with his former boss, Tommy “Fun Times” Funkhauser, a man who loves wearing Hawaiian shirts. Meanwhile Sam Droid, a former sex robot, is searching for his lost sister, Anna. Did you ever wish Stephen Spielberg’s A.I. was more 420-friendly? Or that Red Shoe Diaries involved computer languages? Then you’ll love this!

Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.

CREDITS:

Your Director: Patrick Baker

Sam Droid: Geoffrey Golden

Dr. Blazen: Brent Butler

Story Editor: Julian Mundy

Sound Design: Adam Baker

FOLLOW:

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@ItsPatrickBaker

@Geoffrey Golden

@BrentLButler

Straight to VHS is a product of Lost Cat Games.

MOVIE TRIVIA: The film was bankrolled by Cinemax based on the title, and they were extremely disappointed with the results.

In the thrilling conclusion of Water So Blue It’s Black, Tony, Slaps, and Gilda enter the mysterious, underwater alien cathedral that was guarded by krill ghosts. The wonders and dangers inside bring new meaning to the phrase “publish or perish” for these state university employees. At the table, Brent annoys Patrick with his wish list of underwater hardware and tools. Next time, go to the Home Depot before you hit the ocean floor, Brent.

Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.

CREDITS:

Your Director: Patrick Baker

Tony Danzers: Geoffrey Golden

Slaps the Sorority Dolphin: Brent Butler

Story Editor: Julian Mundy

Sound Design: Adam Baker

FOLLOW:

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@ItsPatrickBaker

@Geoffrey Golden

@BrentLButler

Straight to VHS is a product of Lost Cat Games.

MOVIE TRIVIA: Almost all copies of this film were destroyed by Tony Danza's "friends" in the "sanitation business."

In part two of Water So Blue It’s Black, Tony and Slaps try to steal a submarine to go find the missing crew that’s been lost somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle. But first they have to get through FUFLBOT 9000, the robot who protects Sea Station 86. Bad news: He’s categorized them as hostile and is preparing to use “the hard stuff” on them. Good news: He’s very friendly about it!

Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.

CREDITS:

Your Director: Patrick Baker

Tony Danzers: Geoffrey Golden

Slaps the Sorority Dolphin: Brent Butler

Story Editor: Julian Mundy

Sound Design: Adam Baker

FOLLOW:

Twitter

Instagram

Facebook

@ItsPatrickBaker

@Geoffrey Golden

@BrentLButler

Straight to VHS is a product of Lost Cat Games.

MOVIE TRIVIA: The pirate ghosts were based on real ghosts who still haunt the director to this day.

In Water So Blue It’s Black, it’s 2054, and a crew of marine biologists has gone missing from Sea Station 86, which sits deep below the Bermuda Triangle. Former boxer and sea-station manager Tony Danzers must team up with his intern, a prissy, entitled talking dolphin named Slaps, to find the missing crew. At the table, Patrick explains to Geoffrey that some people won’t rewire their moral compasses just because they’ve been offered baked ziti.

Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.

CREDITS:

Your Director: Patrick Baker

Tony Danzers: Geoffrey Golden

Slaps the Sorority Dolphin: Brent Butler

Story Editor: Julian Mundy

Sound Design: Adam Baker

FOLLOW:

Twitter

Instagram

Facebook

@ItsPatrickBaker

@Geoffrey Golden

@BrentLButler

Straight to VHS is a product of Lost Cat Games.

MOVIE TRIVIA: Slaps was portrayed by puppeteer Johannes Rube, who nearly drowned to death in the leaky rubber dolphin puppet.

Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.

It's the conclusion of Space Squad, our final episode of the season. And okay, it turns out our heroes had it all wrong. Whoops. The furry monsters were the good guys, and Rex and Boba were flying around with the bad guys. Well, sh*t. At the table, Patrick leaves Brent no choice but to straight-up eat one of the main characters.

Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.

CREDITS:

Your Director: Patrick Baker

Rex Lazerbeam: Geoffrey Golden

Boba T: Brent Butler

Story Editor: Adam Baker

Sound Design: Adam Baker

MOVIE TRIVIA: If you play them at the exact same time, Space Squad syncs perfectly with Phil Collins' third album No Jacket Required.

FOLLOW:

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@ItsPatrickBaker

@Geoffrey Golden

@BrentLButler

Straight to VHS is a product of Lost Cat Games.

In Space Squad, a ship slowly floats onscreen. Somewhere below, a planet of small, hair-covered monsters waits in ambush. Our brave, spacefaring misfits are the only thing standing between them and the much-vaunted Bridge of Understanding. In this movie, which is in no way capitalizing on the success of other space movies, battles will rage, blood will flow, and fur will fly. At the table, Brent discovers there's independent journalism in space.

Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.

CREDITS:

Your Director: Patrick Baker

Rex Lazerbeam: Geoffrey Golden

Boba T: Brent Butler

Story Editor: Adam Baker

Sound Design: Adam Baker

MOVIE TRIVIA: The cocaine snorted on-screen is real. In fact, the budget for Space Squad was raised by selling cocaine to Hollywood actors.

FOLLOW:

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@ItsPatrickBaker

@Geoffrey Golden

@BrentLButler

Straight to VHS is a product of Lost Cat Games.

It's the conclusion of Devil's Tramping Ground. In a fight for their very souls, high school science teacher Mr. Linnaeus, and high school bully Duncan Punchnugget, face off against a being who claims to be Satan. But can a man of science accept such a statement on blind faith? Will our bully accept that somewhere there is a bully even more bully than he is? At the table, the players create a scene that legitimately freaks themselves out.

Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.

CREDITS:

Your Director: Patrick Baker

Duncan Punchnugget: Geoffrey Golden

Mr. Linnaeus: Brent Butler

Story Editor: Adam Baker

Sound Design: Adam Baker

MOVIE TRIVIA: The film was shot on-location at the real Devil's Tramping Ground... and no one has heard from the director since.

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@ItsPatrickBaker

@Geoffrey Golden

@BrentLButler

Straight to VHS is a product of Lost Cat Games.

In Devil's Tramping Ground, two members of the Pittsboro High Science Club are missing. With a pending detention hanging over his head, high school bully Duncan must find the missing students by teaming up to with the person you would least expect: his boring science teacher, Mr. Linnaeus! Anything can and will happen when this unlikely pair go searching in the spooky woods. Maybe this friendly and not-mysterious-at-all Southern Gentleman can help. At the table, Patrick rewards Geoffrey for reading a porno magazine.

Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.

CREDITS:

Your Director: Patrick Baker

Duncan Punchnugget: Geoffrey Golden

Mr. Linnaeus: Brent Butler

Story Editor: Julian Mundy

Sound Design: Adam Baker

MOVIE TRIVIA: Many religions believe that circles are evil.

Follow:

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@ItsPatrickBaker

@Geoffrey Golden

@BrentLButler

Straight to VHS is a product of Lost Cat Games.

It's the conclusion of Stop or My Owl Will Shoot. The only thing worse than werewolves is werewolves who litter. Time to bring justice... owl justice. The second-half of the movie really ups the tree-hugger environmentalism, but not nearly as much as it ups the face-clawing violence. At the table, the RPG system is pushed to the limit when Brent must roll to successfully take a dump.

Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.

CREDITS:

Your Director: Patrick Baker

Verne "Verney" Verner: Geoffrey Golden

Hoot: Brent Butler

Story Editor: Julian Mundy

Sound Design: Adam Baker

MOVIE TRIVIA: Unsold VHS copies of Stop or My Owl Will Shoot were illegally dumped into a New Mexico river, poisoning a small town.

FOLLOW:

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@ItsPatrickBaker

@Geoffrey Golden

@BrentLButler

Straight to VHS is a product of Lost Cat Games.

In Stop or My Owl Will Shoot, Hoot is only two feet tall, but this owl wasn't born yesterday. In fact, he used to be human until he was brutally mudered in these very woods. Now, with the help of a bumbling sheriff, a magical tree spirit, and a pistol in a plastic grocery bag, Hoot's on a mission to avenge his death... and also save the forest... and stuff. At the table, Patrick figures out a novel solution for an owl to carry weapons.

Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.

CREDITS:

Your Director: Patrick Baker

Verne "Verney" Verner: Geoffrey Golden

Hoot: Brent Butler

Story Editor: Julian Mundy

Sound Design: Adam Baker

MOVIE TRIVIA: All police violence is unacceptable, and that includes Sheriff Verne attacking a taking owl with a broom.

FOLLOW:

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@ItsPatrickBaker

@Geoffrey Golden

@BrentLButler

Straight to VHS is a product of Lost Cat Games.

It's the conclusion of Air Force Fun. With Soviet terrorists in control of the president's personal rail gun, Alan and Max are in a race against time. There's no time left to murder-talk their way out of this situation. A dangerous maneuver is their only chance, but it just might cost them their lives - and even worse, their sensitive guts. At the table, Geoffrey gets Patrick to describe some super gross violence!

Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.

CREDITS:

Your Director: Patrick Baker

Max Cruncher: Geoffrey Golden

Alan Thickridge: Brent Butler

Story Editor: Julian Mundy

Sound Design: Adam Baker

Straight to VHS is a product of Lost Cat Games.

MOVIE TRIVIA: According to Guinness World Records, Yuri has the highest amount of unintentional accents of any villain in movie history.

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@ItsPatrickBaker

@Geoffrey Golden

@BrentLButler

Straight to VHS is a product of Lost Cat Games.

In Air Force Fun, maritial artist and IBS spokesman Max Cruncher is in the fight of his life to save his best buddy, who also happens to be a sentient Air Force One. Using the power of White Karate and an endless supply of soothing anticid tablets, he has one kick-punch left to save America. At the table, Patrick punishes Geoffrey and Brent for "patriot talkin'."

Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.

CREDITS:

Your Director: Patrick Baker

Max Cruncher: Geoffrey Golden

Alan Thickridge: Brent Butler

Story Editor: Julian Mundy

Sound Design: Adam Baker

Straight to VHS is a product of Lost Cat Games.

MOVIE TRIVIA: Willow (1988), directed by Ron Howard, was also heavily sponsored by Gutoids.

FOLLOW:

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@ItsPatrickBaker

@Geoffrey Golden

@BrentLButler

Straight to VHS is a product of Lost Cat Games.

The conclusion of Suburban Sorcery: Magic and Mufflers. Duct-taped to the bottom of a Ford Bronco, Trapper is about to learn the meaning of life after death. Shecky and Tails very sloooowly come to his aid. The big showdown between our heroes and the forces of darkness is at hand and it looks like the Bronco's 200 cubic-inch inline six wont be the only thing combusting. At the table, Brent gives a masterclass on the history of buckthorn.

Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.

CREDITS:

Your Director: Patrick Baker

Shecky: Geoffrey Golden

Trapper: Brent Butler

Story Editor: Adam Baker

Sound Design: Adam Baker

MOVIE TRIVIA: The song "All Night Mall" was written and composed by Ted Kaczynski, later known as the Unabomber.

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@ItsPatrickBaker

@Geoffrey Golden

@BrentLButler

Straight to VHS is a product of Lost Cat Games.

In Suburban Sorcery: Magic and Mufflers, Trapper Keefer, a fur trapper, and his talking beaver Tails team up with an impossibly likable (in that it's impossible to like him) car salesmen Shecky Stumper to fight the greatest scourge to ever curse these country roads: Satanist teens with learners permits! Our heroes will leave no petting zoo undestroyed in pursuit of these evil teens... and Trapper's grenade launcher. Meanwhile, Patrick and Brent debate whether teens wore seatbelts in the 80s.

Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.

MOVIE TRIVIA: To get into character, the actors who played Trapper and Shecky went to a real police academy, where they were charged with witness tampering and racial profiling. The judge let them off with a stern frowning at.

CREDITS:

Your Director: Patrick Baker @ItsPatrickBaker

Shecky: Geoffrey Golden @Geoffrey Golden

Trapper: Brent Butler @BrentLButler

Story Editor: Adam Baker

Sound Design: Adam Baker

Follow:

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Straight to VHS is a product of Lost Cat Games.