102: From confusion and conflict to confident parenting

Do you ever feel ‘lost’ in your parenting?  Like you’ve read all the books (and even listened to the podcast episodes!) and you’ve agreed with them in principle, but somehow nothing ever seems to change?   Your family feels directionless; you just muddle along having the same old fights with your partner about the same old things:

• Should you praise your child when they do what you ask, so they’ll do it again next time? Or punish them for disobeying you?
• Should you worry about (quality or quantity of) screen time?
• Does it matter if you and your partner have completely different parenting styles?

  In this episode I interviewed Kathryn, and discussed:

• The cultural differences between living in the U.K. and Canada (saying “please!” and certain differences in directness of humor)
• How to begin to approach differences in opinion about parenting with your spouse in a way that doesn’t get their back up, but instead focuses on your (and their) values
• The value of interacting with parents who are a little ahead of you and who can give you advice, as well as parents with younger children so you can see how far you’ve come and offer some support to them
• How to align your daily interactions with your child with your overall values
• The importance of bringing fun and playfulness to your parenting in a way that feels relaxed to you (and the positive impact this can have on your child)
• How to problem solve with a child in a way that encourages them to bring their own solutions to the table

   

Parenting Membership 

If parenting feels really hard, and it seems like you’ve read all the books and you’ve asked for advice in free communities and you’re tired of having to weed through all the stuff that isn’t aligned with your values to get to the few good nuggets, then the Parenting Membership will help you out. Click the banner to learn more. Join the waitlist to get notified when doors reopen in May 2025.     [accordion] [accordion-item title="Click here to read the full transcript"]   Jen: 01:25 Hello and welcome to the Your Parenting Mojo podcast. We're doing something a little bit different on today's episode because I'm actually going to interview a listener, Kathryn. Kathryn is a Canadian living in London and she's married to an English husband and she has a daughter and a son. I connected with Kathryn to talk about the transformation that she's experienced in her parenting over the last 6 months or so. Kathryn's family was doing pretty well, although she was having some challenges knowing how to parent her spirited daughter and having a very different approach to doing this than her British husband who was raised with much more of a traditional British approach of not talking about feelings very much, which really contrasted pretty sharply with Kathryn's belief that the experience and the emotions should be validated and supported. These different approaches were causing some friction in her marriage and she felt like she didn't really have the tools to articulate why this issue and others like it were so important to her in a way that could invite her husband to share his perspective and feelings so they could work together to find a path forward in parenting their children.   Jen: 02:25 Now, both Kathryn and her husband feel more at ease in their family because they know the decisions they're making are based on their values and not just on knee jerk reactions made in the moment when their daughter asked to do something and they might be feeling a bit stressed and as a result they've really become to embrace the joyful aspects of parenting as you'll hear in the conversation. Before we talked with Kathryn, I do have a question for you and that is, are you truly enjoying your family right now? Yes, families have their ups and downs and not every day is perfect and neither will it be, but more often than not, do you feel confident about how the little decisions you make every day as a parent are adding up to and leading toward a goal that you've thoughtfully and purposefully established with your parenting partner, if you have one?   Jen: 03:08 If you do feel these joyful moments in your family where you feel confidence and clarity and a sense of ease, but they're more few and far between than you would like, then this episode is going to have a lot of nuggets of wisdom for you. I should also explain that Kathryn is a member of my Finding Your Parenting Mojo membership group, which is open to new members right now in July 2019 and the group we work on one topic each month. The first three topics are set before we start, in the first month, we focus entirely on reducing the incidents of tantrums. You can get a little bit of breathing room to take a step back and then look at setting goals in the second month. And these aren't just template goals that will tell you the right way to raise your child, but they’re goals that you set based on your own values and priorities.   Jen: 03:49 In the third month we have a co-teacher, Dr. Laura Froyen, who literally wrote a doctoral thesis on How Marriage and Family Relationships Influence Parenting and Child Development. She helps us to move beyond the same old arguments about the same old topics that we have over and over again with our partners to a deeper understanding of each other's values, so we can use these to figure out how to parent our children. After those first three months of core content, we choose topics by voting on them. So you actually get to help decide what we learn. I created the group after I surveyed my listeners last summer and I realized that while you're on board with the ideas you hear about on the show you have a really hard time actually implementing them in your real lives, with your real families and you need more support to do this. So that's what the group is designed to do, so you can stop worrying about the stack of parenting books you haven't read or even the ones you have read and forgotten about and actually learn and practice these techniques with my support and the support of all the other parents in the group.   Jen: 04:46 I also wanted to let you know that I've been running a free online workshop called Tame Your Triggers since July 8th which has been helping hundreds of parents to understand why their children's behavior triggers their frustration and anger and how to cope with this in a more productive way in the future. The workshop is already underway and it's too late to join now, but I'm actually hosting a free webinar on Thursday, July 25th at 11:00 AM Pacific that will summarize what we learned over the two weeks and give you some tools to overcome this challenge. This is exactly the kind of topic that we cover in the Finding Your Parenting Mojo groups or if you're interested in learning more about the group or just learning how to tame your triggers, then do sign up for that webinar, which will be on Thursday, July 25th at 11:00 AM Pacific at YourParentingMojo.com/Membership. Even if you know you're busy at that time and you can't join live, go ahead and register anyway if you want to hear it because I'll send out a replay afterwards for anyone who couldn't make it. All right, I think we're ready. Let's go ahead and meet Kathryn. Hello and welcome Kathryn. Would you mind telling us a bit about yourself to start please?   Kathryn: 05:47 My name is Kathryn. I have two kids. My daughter is nearly six and my son is two and a half and we live with my husband in London and I'm Canadian originally, but I relocated here about 10 years ago and my husband is British and so we've decided to stay here.   Jen: 06:06 Nice. Where are you from in Canada?   Kathryn: 06:10 Well, most of my time I've lived in Calgary, in western Canada.   Jen: 06:13 Oh, okay. So not quite as cold in the UK as it is in Calgary?   Kathryn: 06:17 No. I know people complain about the weather here, but I think it's great. Not very much so.   Jen: 06:24 So I'm guessing that there are probably some challenges involved in being a Canadian living in England?   Kathryn: 06:29 Yes. I suppose I wasn't expecting it to be much of a culture shock, I suppose you think English speaking Western country, but it's not a Black and White differences, but just along a continuum, isn't it I supposed. And so just some of the things I suppose you initially, no, it was just day-to-day in some of the interactions and then again when you have kids and just pick up on things like the humor and the way people converse and things.   Jen: 06:58 What do you mean about the humor?   Kathryn: 07:01 I quite like the English humor that did actually attract me to hear and stuff. But it's a lot more direct, isn't it?   Jen: 07:08 It certainly is, yes.   Kathryn: 07:10 People are able to laugh at themselves. I think, so yeah, it's just a little bit different. People don't always know how to take my husband I think when we come back to Canada sometimes.   Jen: 07:20 Yes, I've had that problem myself.   Kathryn: 07:22 Because the humor has slightly different tone to it.   Jen: 07:25 What other differences have you noticed?   Kathryn: 07:28   I suppose it's just a sense of formality a little bit like I think both countries are known for their politeness, but it's just interesting to me that it can look a little bit different in the different places and I quite enjoyed your podcast where you mentioned about manners and like saying please and that I thought was quite funny because I had such a complex when I first arrived about saying, please, my husband would say, you haven't said please. You haven’t said please.   Kathryn: 07:55 And you think it’s implied.   Jen: 07:59 We are in a committed relationship. Right?   Kathryn: 08:01 Oh, I know.   Jen: 08:03 I hadn't thought about it in that depth until I did that episode. The fact that you don't necessarily have to say it to somebody when you're in that committed relationship because it is implied by the fact that you're committed to them, but still it's nice to hear, right?   Kathryn: 08:18 Yeah. Well I think sometimes too for me, like it almost sounds like I expect that you will say yes if I say please. So I prefer my roundabout way is just ask me. So yeah, I suppose it's just the subtleties like that can be a bit funny.   Jen: 08:36 So how does that play out in terms of how you're raising your children?   Kathryn: 08:40 So I suppose both of us have kind of adjusted a lot. So I have noted like myself things I would be taken aback at first with like very mild put downs I think, but aren't intended that way.   Kathryn: 08:54 I remember when Bridget Jones's Diary as well, when he laughingly says stupid co**t to his wife and that surprised me in the film and now it's like that wouldn't faze me. That's just normal, right? Now when we have kids, they didn't say exactly that, but you know, then it just you notice things that you wouldn't necessarily have otherwise and stuff. So there's just been a little bit of give and take that, you know, have discussions around, oh would you say that? And it's made me change a lot I think in terms of taking myself less seriously, I think I've become better at that as well.   Jen: 09:34 So do you see a really sort of solid desire in yourself and your husband to capture the best of both worlds as you’re parenting your children? Or does one approach more predominate than the other?   Kathryn: 09:44 For a lot of the smaller things, like there are differences that you just notice. For example, like something as innocuous as the pronunciation for example. It's just we have different ways of speaking and it's kind of fun sometimes to watch the things that they'll pick up from my husband or later from school and others that speak like that or things that they noticed in school. My daughter will say, yogurt and that sounds more like me. Those kinds of things are funny. Then there are some things that I suppose do require a lot more conversation around. For example, I think in the UK there's a stronger value on like stoicism and emotional stability. So for me just, I don't know if that's Canadian or general or just my own experience wanting to support emotional expression and emotional awareness and things like that, then that can feel a bit alien for my husband I think because he spent all these years trying to achieve something different and trying not to displace certain emotions more openly and negative emotions more openly than I suppose this can be a bit of an alien concept and I think I’m trying to change him into a Canadian.   Jen: 11:02 So it sounds as though that's really important to you. I wonder if you can tell us about what are some of your really strongest beliefs and values both as an individual and also as a parent.   Kathryn: 11:10 So I have quite a live and let live kind of philosophy. I am very interested in different perspectives on things and having respect for people who have different needs and different beliefs and interests and personalities and therefore for my children too I’m expecting that they can grow up with not having all the same beliefs that I do or that I am seeing my children grow into two very different people with two very different personalities. I believe that's part of the fun is kind of coming to learn who they are and how best to support them uniquely. To me that's very important. That's a fundamental part of respecting your child I suppose is to allow them to be who they are and their best self.   Jen: 12:00 Yup. And so how does that play out on kind of a daily basis for you?   Kathryn: 12:05 Most of what I've tried to learn about in this journey is more around my daughter I suppose specifically because she by temperament is one that's a lot more sensitive to her environment I suppose. It feels like she has more specific needs. So it takes a lot more thought for me to try to understand what might be influencing her or things aren't quite set up in the best possible way for her to be the least stressful or to make her be her best whereas with my son, you know, just a lot more straight forward and things fall into place. So day-to-day I suppose I do try to expose myself to a lot of things, to try to work on where our next step is with things we might be tackling with her and then my son benefits by experience I guess.   Jen: 12:57 Yeah. So for listeners who may be listening thinking Kathryn’s voice sounds awfully familiar. If you have listened to the Parenting Your Spirited Child episode, Kathryn was actually featured on the episode interviewing Dr. Mary Sheedy Kurcinka about her spirited daughter. So this has definitely been a journey for you, hasn't it?   Kathryn: 13:18 Yes, it has. I think coming through a quite difficult time initially, just I suppose that the usual transition to having two kids that can be a bit of a bumpy ride, especially, when the older child is adjusting to it all. But yes, our journey for sure I think were well down that road now, which is lovely.   Jen: 13:38 Yeah, that's great. So can you tell me how did you first find the Your Parenting Mojo podcasts? Do you remember?   Kathryn: 13:44 Yeah, so it was actually quite funny because I don't remember what page it was, but some page that I've liked on Facebook had just given a list of best podcasts to listen to. And I had found it through there and quite taking to it and it was funny on one of the interviews that you had with Dr. Laura Froyen which I really loved and had looked her up subsequently and I realized it was actually her that had authored that list. So, I found you through her list and I found her through you.   Jen: 14:12 Through me. Wow!   Kathryn: 14:14 That's a mutually beneficial relationship.   Jen: 14:16 Yeah. Then you actually got to interact with her because you're a member of the Finding Your Parenting Mojo membership group. And Dr. Froyen actually teaches the third month of the group on parenting as a team. So, I hadn't realized what a full circle that was for you.   Kathryn: 14:31 Yes. You complement each other very well.   Jen: 14:34 Nice. So do you remember how you first learned about the membership group?   Kathryn: 14:39 Yes. I think it was a podcast initially. I think I subscribed to everything there is to subscribe to you. So I've no doubt received the emails as well.   Jen: 14:47 Got it. And then what made you even consider joining the group? Where you're looking to solve a particular problem when you joined or was there something else?   Kathryn: 14:56 It wasn't a specific, I suppose, I will always have the desire for self-improvement and just better understanding. I suppose there's new challenges all the time and as my kids get older and I suppose, I have an insatiable desire to learn more about it and it seemed like an opportunity to go deeper into it. I do listen and read a lot of this kind of stuff, but you kind of tend to think about a piecemeal, I find, or for me anyway, that's my personality. So it appealed to me the idea to kind of sit down and focus on one specific area at a time and do it in a bit of a more methodical way than might be my natural approach. Because I certainly benefit from it, but I don't do that naturally.   Jen: 15:43 Okay. And where there other particular areas that were attractive to you in terms of the focus of the group or the way it worked?   Kathryn: 15:52 I liked the breadth and how it laid out the initial few months and also that it included the component of parenting with a partner because I think that's an area that does get really neglected. So when you're looking at a lot of the peaceful parenting things, if there's any mismatch at all, it can create a little bit of anxiety thinking, oh, we're supposed to be doing this.   Jen: 16:13 United front. Right? We're supposed to have the exact same approach to our children all the time.   Kathryn: 16:18 That's exactly it. You can't control your whole environment. I think that I like that more holistic picture, and not just that, but I know from other work you've done as well to look at the whole environment and what all the influences are and what the cultural influences are and stuff I really liked. Your approach is so thorough and it isn't often like that. So it always feels like when you're going to implement things that there are areas you haven't accounted for. So that's something I've always really appreciated of the different courses in podcasts that I've listened to of yours.   Jen: 16:57 Okay. So as you were thinking about joining the group, what were you thinking? Did you ever doubt that you didn't need it? Or what were some of the reasons why you thought,...