149: How to set the boundaries you need

We’ve covered the topic of boundaries before, in our conversation with Xavier Dagba.  In my work with parents, I see that an inability to set boundaries is a MAJOR cause of feeling triggered by our child’s behavior.     When we snap at our child’s behavior, it often (not always, but often) comes somewhat later in the day.     There’s a reason for that: it’s because we haven’t been able to set boundaries early in the day, so each time our child crosses where a boundary should have been, we get more and more irritated.  Then finally we can’t take it any more - and after one last not-boundary crossing, we snap.   (If you snap early in the day, I’d ask you to consider what boundaries were crossed for you the day (or many days) before, and whether you’re still feeling the effects of that?)   So we’ve discussed this before, and yet…boundaries continue to be a struggle for almost all of the parents I meet.  Why is this?   We’ll get into that in this episode, which draws on Nedra Tawwab’s book Set Boundaries, Find Peace, and goes beyond it too.  Nedra outlines nine reasons why we find setting boundaries so difficult, and I argue that’s because all nine are rooted in patriarchal ways of being in relationships.     When we’ve been conditioned for decades that our role as women is not to seem rude or mean, to keep the peace at all costs, to make sure everyone else’s needs are taken care of before our own, and to have our power in a relationship come from taking care of others, is it any wonder that we go out into the world and have no idea how to even know we need a boundary, never mind how to set one?   And secondly I argue that while we might need more boundaries between us and the people we love, that we have WAY TOO MANY boundaries between us and the people in our broader communities.  That’s one big reason why we feel so stressed out all the time - because it seems like we are the only person that can meet our child’s every need, and that we have to do it all alone.  I believe that by breaking these boundaries down we can make life a whole lot easier for ourselves by reducing the number of things we need to do (meal swap, anyone?), and by creating connection that helps us to feel nourished and whole.   If you’re struggling with knowing how to identify and set boundaries, I’d like to invite you to join my Taming Your Triggers workshop.     We’ll help you to identify your needs so you can work with your child to get these met and meet your child’s needs as well (and even though this might seem impossible right now, it actually is possible to meet both of your needs the vast majority of the time!).     And on the relatively few times when it isn’t possible to meet both of your needs, you can set a boundary instead (which is different from a limit!).  When you do this consistently, you can be more regulated more of the time, which means you won’t snap at your child as often as you do now.   Sign up for the waitlist now. Click the banner to learn more.

   

Jump to Highlights

01:32 Introducing today’s episode 05:15 Invitation to Taming Your Triggers workshop 09:29 The distinction between ‘boundaries’ and ‘limits’ in the context of parenting 15:35 The challenges adults face in setting boundaries, attributing difficulty to childhood experiences 23:40 Nine common reasons that may hinder individuals from setting effective boundaries 26:28 The challenges of setting boundaries, particularly for female-identifying parents, attributing the difficulty to societal expectations rooted in gender roles 36:04 The impact of societal forces, such as capitalism, patriarchy, and white supremacy, on parenting and the tendency to resort to consumerism as a coping mechanism 42:01 The emphasis on the importance of listening to one's body as a starting point for setting boundaries    

Episodes referenced

094: Using nonviolent communication to parent more peacefully SYPM 009: How to Set Boundaries in Parenting

124: The Art of Holding Space

    References Birdsong, M. (2020). How we show up: Reclaiming family, friendship and community. New York: Hachette.

---

hooks, b. (2014). Talking back: Thinking feminist, thinking Black. Abingdon: Routledge.