201: How to create a culture of consent in our families

When Carys was about three, I forced a dropper of antibiotics into her mouth to just get her to take it, so she would start to feel better. We were both tired and hangry and I didn't see another path forward, when she was refusing something that I knew would help her. What other choice did I have?

My husband did see another path when he arrived home later that evening, and before she went to bed she willingly took a full dose of the medicine.

These kinds of situations come up often in parenting: where we're trying to get our child to do something, perhaps even for their own health and safety, and they refuse. It can seem like the only path forward is to force them against their will - after all, we are doing this for their own good, right?

But what if there was another way to make these things happen that met your child's needs for autonomy over their own bodies, and also met your needs for peace and ease and harmony and protection of their health and safety?

That's what we'll work through in today's episode. We'll look closely at the way consent is perceived in our culture, and how these messages are transmitted - in school, in peer groups, in movies and songs, and in our families.

I'm also introducing a new element into podcast episodes to help you put the ideas in the episode into practice. At the end of the episode I offer three suggestions for things you could try in your relationship with your own child - organized into mild, medium, and spicy options so you can step in at the level that feels right to you.

Trigger warning: I do discuss sexual assault in this episode. It might not be one you listen to with your children around, and if you have experienced sexual assault, please make sure you're well resourced if you do choose to listen.

Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits

Are there times when your child doesn’t listen?

Do they stall, ignore you, refuse to do the things you ask…and then look you right in the eye while doing the thing you asked them NOT to do?

Do you feel disrespected when your child does these things – but have no idea what to do about it because the one thing you KNOW is that you don’t want to treat your child the same way your parents treated you?

If so, the FREE Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop will help. Click the banner to join the waitlist now:

Other episodes referenced

079: What is RIE?084: The Science of RIEJump to Highlights

00:54 Introducing today’s topic

05:24 Getting consent from babies through non-verbal cues

14:12 The existence of a rape culture that normalizes and trivializes sexual assault

16:55 Understanding consent beyond the typical script of cisgender heterosexual relationships

23:36 How distorted perceptions of feminism impact consent education

27:05 The importance of discussing consent beyond sexual situations

30:00 The lack of emphasis on consent in sex education standards and children's exposure to problematic portrayals of sex in media

41:19 The importance of teaching consent from childhood to counter rape culture rooted in patriarchal norms

45:49 Practical steps for parents to promote consent with their children

49:18 Listener Cori's experience underscores the importance of understanding a child's needs, promoting autonomy, and building consent-based relationships from an early age

56:02 The conclusion suggests three options for implementing the ideas discussed in the episode

References

Beres, M.A. (2021). From ignorance to knowledge: Sexual consent and queer stories. Feminism & Psychology 32(2), 137-155.

Global News (2018, May 11). Asking your child if you can change their diaper raises them to know their consent matters: Expert. Author. Retrieved from: https://globalnews.ca/video/4202379/asking-your-child-if-you-can-change-their-diaper-raises-them-to-know-their-consent-matters-expert

Gupta, D. [@Neo_url] (2018, February 18). If you’ve ever tried to put your finger up a straight guy’s ass during sex, you’ll know that they actually understand ongoing consent, withdrawal of consent and sexual boundaries very well.  They act confused when it’s our bodies. [Tweet]. Retrieved from: https://www.reddit.com/r/TrollXChromosomes/comments/807c3m/for_the_guys_confused_about_consent/

Johnson, M., & Bennett, E. (2015, March). Everyday sexism: Australian women’s experiences of street harassment. The Australia Institute. Retrieved from: https://australiainstitute.org.au/wp-content/uploads/2020/12/Everyday_sexism_TAIMarch2015_0.pdf

Kettrey, H.K., Davis, A.J., & Liberman, J. (2021). “Consent is F#@king Required”: Hashtag feminism surrounding sexual consent in a culture of postfeminist contradictions. Social Media + Society October-December, 1-11.

Loick, D. (2019). “…as if it were a thing.” A feminist critique of consent. Constellations, 1-11.

McGuire, L. (2021). Creating cultures of consent: A guide for parents and educators. Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield.

Mukhopadhyay, S. (2023, Jan 26). Justin Bieber no more holds rights to his music, sold for $200 million: Here’s why it’s the latest trend. Mint. Retrieved from: https://www.livemint.com/news/world/justin-bieber-no-more-holds-rights-to-his-music-sold-for-200-million-here-s-why-it-s-the-latest-trend-11674695521055.html

National Institute of Justice (2008, September 30). Most victims know their attacker. Author. Retrieved from: https://nij.ojp.gov/topics/articles/most-victims-know-their-attacker

News.com.au (2019, May 11). Commentator mocked for saying parents should ask babies for consent to nappy change. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/parenting/kids/commentator-mocked-for-saying-parents-should-ask-babies-for-consent-to-nappy-change/news-story/6f3c45120ef9de5dee3df81621715c1b

Padilla-Walker, L.M., McLean, R.D., Ogles, B., & Pollard, B. (2020). How do parents teach “No means no”? An exploration of how sexual consent beliefs are socialized during adolescence. The Journal of Sex Research 57(9), 1122-1133.

Popova, M. (2019). Sexual consent. Boston: MIT.

RAINN (2023). Victims of sexual violence: Statistics. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.rainn.org/statistics/victims-sexual-violence

Rutherford, A. (2018, September 17). What the origins of the ‘1 in 5’ statistic teaches us about sexual assault policy. Behavioral Scientist. Retrieved from: https://behavioralscientist.org/what-the-origins-of-the-1-in-5-statistic-teaches-us-about-sexual-assault-policy/#:~:text=Referring%20to%20the%20number%20of,prevent%2C%20and%20prosecute%20sexual%20assault.

Tarvis, C. (1989). Anger: The misunderstood emotion (Revised Ed.). Chicago: Touchstone.

Willis, M., Jozkowski, K.N., & Read, J. (2019). Sexual consent in K-12 sex education: An analysis of current health education standards in the United States. Sex Education 19(2), 226-236.