Your Stupid Minds

Note: This episode originally aired on October 16, 2014.

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We continue our October scary-movie-a-thon-thing with the terrifying and impossible to alphabetize cyber thriller .com for Murder. Directed by schlock semi-master Nico Mastorakis, this ripoff of Halloween, Psycho, Rear Window, etc. stars Nastassja Kinski (Cat People), Nicollette Sheridan (former Michael Bolton paramour), Roger Daltrey (Vampirella, The Who), and Huey Lewis (of the News).

When hotshot architect Ben (Daltrey) leaves his temporarily handicapped wive Sondra (Kinski) in the care of her sister and a completely computerized mansion named Hal, she uses the opportunity to antagonize murderers in an online sex chatroom. When she annoys the wrong murderer—a hacker who goes by Werther—he uses the opportunity to send her video footage of a murder (encrypted as a racist public domain cartoon) and then go after her as well! Meanwhile FBI Agent Matheson (Lewis) takes the case despite lacking a basic understanding of computers and technology.

Join Nick, Chris, and returning special guest Sarah Long (from Episode 42: American Strays) as we try and figure out how to add blood effects to chatoom text, why the director thought the delete key could possibly execute any sort of command, and the murderer’s extremely dubious time estimate for death by wrist knick.

Your Stupid Minds continues its Worst of 2023 limited series with yet another nine-figure Netflix action movie that they apparently forgot to promote. It’s Heart of Stone with Gal Gadot!

Rachel Stone (Gadot) is a young statuesque superhacker who’s a new recruit to MI6. She’s part of a team including combat expert Yang (Jing Lusi), another combat expert Parker (Jamie Dornan), and another superhacker Bailey (Paul Ready). Their mission is to kidnap some Russian guy for information, which they fail at spectacularly.

But Stone isn’t a normal MI6 agent. She’s actually part of an even secreter organization called the Charter, which does everything based on the word of an AI supercomputer called the Heart. The Heart has the power to change the tide of human history, but they mostly use it for video game vision in the field and spewing out useless probabilities in real time. As a double agent, Stone is tasked with finding out who’s trying to destroy the Heart, which for the most part she also fails at spectacularly until it’s too late.

Cars blow up, people jump out of airplanes, and unconvincing CGI muzzle flashes light up the screen. It’s about what you’d expect from another $150 million Netflix screensaver. But is it better or worse than your average first quarter theatrical release action flick? You’ll have to listen to find out!

Your Stupid Minds starts 2024 with our Worst of 2023 limited series. Our first one is the John Cena action “comedy” from the director of Taken (no, not Luc Besson) and co-starring Alison Brie! It’s 2023’s Freelance.

Mason Pettits (Cena) is former Army Special Forces who injures his back in a helicopter crash during a mission to “liberate” the fictional South American country of Paldonia. After being bored as the most jacked lawyer of all time, he takes on a “freelance” job from his Army buddy Sebastian (Christian Slater) protecting journalist Claire Wellington (Brie) as she visits Paldonia to interview President Venegas (Juan Pablo Raba). The mission goes off without a hitch, Mason collects his $20,000, and his wife loves him again. The end.

Just kidding. The mission goes sideways when a coup d'état breaks out during the visit. Venegas’s worm nephew Jorge (Sebastian Eslava) is under the control of foreign powers who want to strip the country of its natural resources. Pettits, Venegas, and Brie must team out to save the country, and blow up some more helicopters in the process.

Apparently we’re only in Day Six of the Twelve Days of Christmas (look it up), so we’re doing another Christmas movie with Disney’s Robert Zemeckis’s 2009 CGI monstrosity adaptation of A Christmas Carol!

Do I really need to explain the plot of A Christmas Carol? Ebenezer Scrooge (Jim Carrey) is visited by three spirits (Jim Carrey, Jim Carrey, and Jim Carrey) to change him of his miserly Christmas-hating ways. This adaptation is slavishly faithful to the text of the story, so it adds a lot of non-verbal CGI gobbledygook to take advantage of all 2000s era CGI 3D technology has to offer. Gary Oldman, Colin Firth, Cary Elwes, Robin Wright, and Bob Hoskins are also present.

The end! Merry Christmas!

Your Stupid Minds FINALLY gets into the holiday spirit with, what else, a Hallmark-style Christmas movie with a wrestler! It’s the free agent holiday movie starring WWE’s Trish Status, 2022’s Christmas in Rockwell.

Alyssa (Stratus) is a former child actress turned grown up actress who made it big at 12 years old with Holly’s Puppy Christmas (or something similarly titled, I don’t want to go back and look it up). She travels to Rockwell, Nowheredaho (but really it’s in Canada), her home town that she hasn’t been to since she left as a child for the bright lights of Los Angeles.

Her goal is to fulfill her Christmas list, doing all the holiday things she missed out on as a child and are part and parcel for these types of movies: Go ice skating, sit on Santa’s lap, hang out in a hotel lobby for a while. The only problem? It’s the 25th anniversary of Christmas Holly’s Puppies, and she doesn’t want anyone (especially the press) to know she’s in town.

She immediately has a meet cute with the obligatory bland single 30-something hunk Jake (Stephen Huszar). Jake runs an arthouse movie theater with his mom Juniper (Sheila McCarthy) and her secret lover Morty (Roy Lewis). The theater is failing because mom insists on only showing obscure ancient arthouse films that no one’s heard of and do not exist. Other than that Jake is a complete blank slate, a man without a past, who speaks only in vague aphorisms. If he existed anywhere outside of a made-for-streaming Christmas movie he would be an amnesia patient or serial killer.

Short story short: The press find out Alyssa is in town and the Puppy Holly Christmas superfans lose their minds. She blames Jake but he obviously didn’t spill the beans because he is incapable of independent thought or action. Will they reconcile and smooch? Yes. Is there any wrestling in this movie? No.

It’s officially the Christmas season! Here we come a-wassailing! Here comes Santa Claus right down Santa Claus Lane! Jack Frost nipping at your nose. We’re reviewing Assassin’s Creed (2016).

Cal Lynch (Michael Fassbender) is a convicted murderer who is being put to death in the Texas desert prison outpost in Huntsville. As he’s executed, he wakes up in a strange facility in Madrid. Sofia (Marion Cotillard) explains that they need to hook him up to a giant GLaDOS-like mechanical arm so he can tap into the genetic memory of his ancestors, steal the Apple of Eden, which contains the genetic code for free will, and this will somehow solve violence. Makes sense to me!

Cal is apparently a descendant of a line of assassins who have been fighting the Knights Templar for generations, mostly for this Apple but for other stuff too. He meets other assassin descendants, who basically have nothing else to do but hang around this facility for a while. There is also the icy Rikkin (Jeremy Irons), the Gendo of this organization and father of Sofia, as well as Cal’s father (Brendan Gleeson) who he thinks killed his mother.

Can Cal, under his cool ancestor assassin name of Aguilar, recover the Apple and save the world or something? Or is this creepy shadowy organization using sense memory VR to force you to do cool flips in 15th century Spain not all it’s cracked up to be? You’ll have to listen to find out! Also, if you didn’t know, this is based on a video game.

Your Stupid Minds covers a movie that may not exist, except in the deepest, darkest dollar bins of the seediest Walmarts of the world. It’s the David DeCoteau Punisher-lite tale Prey of the Jaguar (1996) starring Maxwell Caulfield, Stacy Keach, and Linda Blair.

Damien Bandera (Trevor Goddard, a.k.a. Kano in the original Mortal Kombat movie) is a drug kingpin who’s just been busted out of prison by his compatriots. Or is his name Banderas? He’s referred to as both in this movie.

Derek Leigh (Caulfield) is a regular 90s dad with a mustache who, for a 96 minute movie, spends a LOT of time in the first act with his loving pregnant wife and precocious son for them to not be fridged. His son Jeremy (Devon Michael) shows his dad the completely novel superhero he’s invented that has no ties to any existing intellectual property: The Jaguar!

Derek is visited by The Commander (Stacy Keach), his former boss at a secret espionage organization sporting a turtleneck, ponytail, and George H.W. Bush glasses. The Commander warns him that Bandera/Banderas, the guy he put away in an undercover operation, is out. Derek acknowledges his family may be in danger, and then goes to work. Bandera/s shows up where he works, shoots him, and throws him off a building. And mentions that he killed his entire family.

Three hours later, after he’s processed all of his grief, Derek decides to kit himself out and become a super karate vigilante named the Jaguar, fashioned after his son’s superhero. Will he fulfill his revenge? Was the Commander REALLY killed off screen in that car crash? Will there be a talking cat?! You’ll have to listen to find out.

Your Stupid Minds does one last spook ‘em up to round out the (now passed) Halloween season. It’s the Italian horror-infused prequel to a “real” haunting: Amityville II: The Possession (1982).

The Montelli family, made up of abusive father Anthony (Burt Young), manic mom Delores (Rotanya Alda), 26-year-old teenage son Sonny (Jack Magner), older daughter Patricia (Diane Franklin) and some other kids move into a new home in upstate New York possessed by a demon. They immediately begin providing ample dysfunctional fuel to feed the demon in his possession plans. The father is a physically abusive maniac, the oldest siblings have a weirdly close relationship, and the mom is fed up with it all.

The demon makes quick work of possessing Sonny and enacts its plan to murder the entire family. Can the local priest, Father Adamsky (James Olson) stop him in time. Will Catholic bureaucracy approve an exorcism? Will Sonny’s birthday party go off without a hitch? Considering this happens before the first movie, I think we can all assume this will not go well.

Your Stupid Minds is back with more spooky fare for Halloween. At least, it gives the air of spookification. If you find mind meld hypnosis machines, panopticon-like modern interior design, and fever dreams about locusts spooky, then you’d probably find 1977’s Exorcist II: The Heretic adequately spooky.

After a botched exorcism in Latin America leads to a woman “accidentally” setting herself on fire, Father Lamont (Richard Burton) is tasked with investigating the life and work of the late Father Merrin (Max von Sydow), who gave his life performing the exorcism in the first movie. He travels to New York where Regan (Linda Blair) has no memory of her past possession, and undergoes psychiatric treatment at a cutting edge facility led by Dr. Gene Tuskin (Louise Fletcher).

They use an experimental “synchronizer” machine to mind meld each other to relive past trauma in order to treat it. Instead, it unlocks the dormant Pazuzu, the demon from the first movie. Now Lamont must travel from Washington D.C. to Africa to Washington D.C. again to investigate this demon and defeat it once and for all. His travels involve seeking out a man named Kokumo (James Earl Jones), once-possessed by Pazuzu and exorcised by Merrin, who may hold the key, and special powers, the defeat the demon once and for all.

Just at the start of spooky season, Your Stupid Minds reviews the 1983 horror anthology Nightmares, starring Emilio Estevez, Cristina Raines, and Lance Henriksen.

Originally planned as a TV pilot, instead Universal packaged it together and gave it a wide theatrical release. Despite this slapdash release, it still managed to top #3 at the box office. That’s the ‘80s for you!

The theme is kind of urban legends, but that labeling stretches credulity. The stories include: A cigarette-addicted woman (Raines) who goes out for a carton despite the threat of an escaped murderer on the loose; a video game-addicted “teen” (Estevez) who gets sucked into a mysterious new arcade game; a priest who’s lost his faith (Henriksen) menaced by a black pickup truck driven by the devil; and a suburban family terrorized by a mysterious creature in the attic.

Your Stupid Minds whisks you away to a magical fantasy land based on the L. Frank Baum novels that no one has read in the last 100 years. It's Disney's reimagined 1985 sequel Return to Oz!

In an effort to reinvigorate its flailing film releases, Disney bought the rights to the Wizard of Oz book series with the intention of revitalizing the franchise. One small issue though: the books are very dissimilar to MGM’s beloved The Wizard of Oz from 1939. No worries, the bones are still there: the Scarecrow, the Cowardly Lion, the Tin Woodsman. Oh, they’re barely in the sequels? Who are these guys? Gump? Jack Pumpkinhead? Tik-Tok? Also where are the ruby slippers? They’re silver? We have to pay MGM royalties to use the ruby ones? Oh dear.

Dorothy (Fairuza Balk) won’t shut up to Aunt Em (Piper Laurie) about this magical land of Oz where she murdered two witches and saved the Emerald City and all its diminutive residents. So naturally Aunt Em sends her off to a quack psychoanalyst who plans to electroshock this 10-year-old until she stops using her imagination.

She escapes the sanitarium and returns to Oz, teaming up with a talking chicken Billina (Denise Bryer), a robotic soldier Tik-Tok (Sean Barrett), Jack Pumpkinhead (Brian Henson) who is, let’s face it, just the Scarecrow, and Gump (Stephen Norrington) a talking moose head strapped to a flying couch.

Dorothy is determined to save the Scarecrow from the evil Nome King, and must solve a series of puzzles and challenges that were probably more interesting when they were in a children’s book. Come along with us on our flying Davenport on this wild adventure!

It’s finally here! In keeping with tradition, we reviewed Neil Breen’s newest film Cade: The Tortured Crossing, an actual sequel to Twisted Pair that acts more like a spiritual sequel to Twisted Pair. Joining us is friend of me, the show, and bad movies in general Austin Buchan, who knew absolutely nothing about the movie or Neil Breen before watching it.

According to the Alamo Drafthouse website (and, more likely, the press packet that Neil sent to the Alamo Drafthouse) Cade: The Tortured Crossing is about: “An identical AI twin brother restores an old mysterious mental asylum. He takes it upon himself to mystically train the patients as warriors for humanity and justice.” Abstractly, that is a correct description of about 5% of the film, but adding additional information, or editorializing about the content, would not adequately prepare you for seeing this on the silver screen.

In a way, this is Neil’s most ambitious film, combining his love of stock footage and indifference toward directing actors, he has chosen to eschew actual sets entirely, and composite greenscreened every single character into a dream-like void of proportionally disorienting stock photos and footage, even when using a real set (like a repeated scene of a man plopping into a dingy bed) would have been cheaper and more realistic.

If you haven’t seen Twisted Pair, you will not be at a disservice, as basically nothing carries over into Cade except that there are two identical twin brothers, both played by Breen, and they have mystical computer powers. If you’ve never seen a Breen (such as our guest Austin) it’s probably the second most baffling experience you can have being introduced to him (aside from Pair, which is probably his most impenetrable and least audience friendly).

So come with us on this journey, and we’ll tell of our theater experiences seeing Neil Breen’s newest masterpiece.

In honor of Meg 2: The Trench bombing at the box office, we decided to take a look back at its more financially successful predecessor, 2018’s The Meg! What if Jaws, but bigger?

Jonas Taylor (Jason Statham) is a world-renowned underwater saving people guy. When he tries to rescue a submarine that was hit by something big (I’m guessing a Meg) he is unable to save everyone and is accused of cowardice. Jonas now hides in Thailand drowning his sorrows in low ABV beers.

Meanwhile, a research station funded by Muskian billionaire Morris (Rainn Wilson) is trying to discover an even deeper layer within the Mariana Trench. They discover the layer, but are hit by something big (I’m guessing a Meg) so they ask Jonas for help. Can they defeat the Meg, or will he eat the entire station? You’ll have to listen to find out.

To complement Barbie’s wild success at the box office, Your Stupid Minds reviews a different toy tin-in movie, but a bad one! It’s 1985’s The Care Bears Movie!

A man who runs an orphanage, Mr. Cherrywood (Mickey Rooney), tells his orphans a story about two other orphans who learn the value of friendship or caring or not listening to an evil book, or something. Jason (Sunny Besen Thrasher) and Kim (Cree Summer) are befriended by the Care Bears, some cutesy little creatures who live in the sky city of Care-a-Lot.

However, a neglected and bullied magician’s assistant Nicholas (Hadley Kay) finds an evil book who convinces him to cast evil spells to get children to stop caring. Can the Care Bears save Nicholas? Will they befriend a new group of equally toyetic animals? Do the Care Bears have a boat? You’ll have to listen to find out.

Your Stupid Minds covers one of the most infamous erotic thrillers of all time, 1993’s Body of Evidence, starring Madonna, Willem Dafoe, Joe Mantegna, Jürgen Prochnow, Frank Langella, Anne Archer, Julianne Moore, and more!

When millionaire Andrew Marsh (Michael Forest) is found dead in his sprawling mansion with a bunch of kinky sexy sex toys around him, everyone immediately suspects his kinky sexy sex girlfriend Rebecca Carlson (Madonna). She is arrested and sent to trial two hours later. Her lawyer, Frank Dulaney (Dafoe) has his work cut out for him to prove her innocence. Can he establish reasonable doubt against the prosecution’s argument that she sexed Marsh to death with a mysterious lethal drug known as “cocaine” in order to get his $8 million inheritance?

More importantly, can Frank resist her sexual advances and remain true to his wife (Moore)? Also how do you treat third degree burns from a gallon of candle wax dumped on your naked chest?

Note: The episode originally aired April 19, 2017.

Your Stupid Minds delves into well-trodden bad movie territory with the notoriously terrible animated Italian film Titanic: The Legend Goes On. We may not have the annoying falsetto screech of The Nostalgia Critic, or the deep-seated racism of JonTron, but we do have notable animal lover and Chris’s sister Sarah Dobson back on the podcast.

Angelica (Lisa Russo) is a lowly beautiful servant who looks strikingly like Anastasia. She meets the rich and handsome William (Mark Thompson-Ashworth) who gropes her laundry and they fall in love. meanwhile, a menagerie of obnoxious talking animals, including a rapping dog, a noble French mouse who looks like Fievel, and a trio of horrible Mexican mice stereotypes, sing tonally inappropriate songs about partying and dancing. Then the boat sinks and almost no one dies, thus tarnishing the legacy of the 1,500 actual people who perished in this real life tragedy.

Your Stupid Minds gets down with the sickness with the 2001 Jet Li film The One! The movie that invented multiverses! [citation needed]

Yulaw (Jet Li) has discovered one weird trick to make himself all-powerful: If he kills all his other selves in the 124 other multiverses, their power transfers to him and he becomes the titular The One. Time cops hate him!

After killing one of the two remaining Jet Lis, he travels to the final multiverse after a space prison escape to kill his final self, Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department deputy Gabe (Jet Li), married to veterinarian T.K. (Carla Gugino). But time cops Roedecker (Delroy Lindo) and Funsch (Jason Statham, attempting some sort of accent) are on him every step of the way.

Can Gabe defeat his other self, or will he succumb to a similar fate? Or can they live together in harmony as The Twos? And what do all the other multiverse Carla Guginos look like? We want to know!

Your Stupid Minds reviewed 2004’s Catwoman LIVE on the Exhibit Floor at Comicpalooza on Friday, May 26, 2023! Listen to us leave our respective metaphorical basements for the FIRST TIME to bring the bad movie gospel to the masses!

Patience Phillips (Halle Berry) is a mind-mannered artist and graphic designer at a major cosmetics company. The company has a new product, Beau-line, that reverses aging as long as you keep using it, but makes you hideously scarred like the Heath Ledger Joker if you stop. After being bullied by her boss George Hedare (Lambert Wilson) to deliver her updated ad designs to a spooky tube-laden makeup factory at midnight, she is killed and resurrected by divine CGI cats to become Catwoman!

Catwoman uses her new special powers for good, such as: beating up her neighbors for playing Hoobastank too loud, beating up some jewel thieves to steal the jewels themselves, basketball, and whipping. In her effort to bring her killers to justice, she runs afoul of the real power behind Beau-line, George’s wife Laurel (Sharon Stone). Catwoman is framed for murder, but will her new nice cop boyfriend Tom Lone (Benjamin Bratt, playing a lone wolf) believe her? You’ll have to listen to find out!

Leading up to our appearance at Comicpalooza, we finally gave in to the hype and reviewed one of the most notorious and meme-worthy comic book movies of all time: 2022’s Morbius!

Dr. Michael Morbius (Jared Leto) has a blood disease that makes his blood not good and he has to walk with crutches. He travels to Costa Rica’s Cerro de la Muerte to capture a tube full of vampire bats in the hopes he can study them and reverse his bad blood disease.

The cure works, but as a result he turns into a cool vampire. His childhood friend Milo (Matt Smith) finds out he’s a cool vampire and wants to be a cool vampire too and he steals the vampire goo and turns into a cool bad vampire. They have a vampire fight and one of them wins (guess which one). Michael Keaton shows up at the end for some reason.

Comicpalooza Update: We’re on the schedule! Your Stupid Minds will be at the Main Podcast Stage on the Exhibit Floor on Friday, May 26 at 4:30! Come by and watch us talk about Catwoman LIVE! You might also get a special Catwoman prize.

Your Stupid Minds returns to ninjas with Cannon’s Nine Deaths of the Ninja from 1985, starring Sho Kosugi, Anthony Kiedis's dad, and Harlan Crow’s ex sister-in-law.

Spike (Kosugi), Steve (Brent Huff), and Jennifer (Emilia Crow) are part of an elite anti-terrorist squad that consists mainly of Spike doing ninja stuff on a bunch of terrorists while Steve crosses his arms and chuckles. When a terrorist confederacy of gross drug addicts, a lesbian militia, and a smattering of ninjas kidnap a bus full of tourists, Spike and the team spring into action. The terrorists are led, of sorts, by a disabled Nazi named Alby the Cruel (played by Blackie Dammett, a.k.a. the dad of the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ Anthony Kiedis), who also has a monkey wearing a diaper.

The team go to the Philippines and there’s some mild ninja stuff, Jennifer shoots some dude with an epoxy gun, and Sho Kosugi’s real sons play pranks on the terrorists.

A reminder: Your Stupid Minds will be at this year’s Comicpalooza in Houston, Texas, to discuss Halle Berry’s Catwoman LIVE! The convention is Memorial Day weekend, May 26-28, so come check us out!

Your Stupid Minds comes at you with our fifth X-Men related movie, this time it’s the 2019 flop Dark Phoenix, another halfhearted attempt to adapt the Dark Phoenix saga without bothering with the Phoenix saga.

The X-Men are assigned a mission by the president to save some astronauts stuck in space. Though the mission is successful, Jean Grey (Sophie Turner) is blasted with an evil space cloud that starts to make her act cool. However, the coolness goes too far when she can’t control her new power. She tries to learn more about her past, and comes across Magneto’s (Michael Fassbender) mutant island sanctuary of Genosha (though in this movie it looks like a small plot of land in western Connecticut).

Meanwhile, Vuk (Jessica Chastain), a shapeshifting alien of the D’Bari race, is looking for Jean so she can… take the power, harness the power, trick Jean into helping her? It isn’t entire clear. But she’s evil.

Can the X-Men save Jean, or will this conflict tear them apart? Will Disney reboot the franchise after their Fox acquisition? How many times can we predict the second part of every line in this movie? How much was Hans Zimmer paid for this killer score? You’ll have to listen to find out (though we don’t answer most of these questions).

Also a quick update: Your Stupid Minds will be at this year’s Comicpalooza in Houston, Texas, to discuss Halle Berry’s Catwoman LIVE! The convention is Memorial Day weekend, May 26-28, so come check us out!

Your Stupid Minds returns to the bottomless well of content that is the Barbarian Brothers (at least until we run out of Barbarian Brothers movies) with 1994’s Twin Sitters, a movie that rips off Mr. Nanny wholesale but posits the question “what if there were TWO big beefy guys instead of one?”

Peter and David Falcone (played by Peter and David Paul, respectively, since it’s entirely possible they are incapable of responding to any first name but their own) are two muscle-bound goofballs who need money to open their own Italian restaurant. When they stop a trio of assassins in a playground in which they just happen to be hanging out, the target of the assassination, Frank (Jared Martin) hires them to guard his two nephews.

Frank has turned state’s witness and plans to testify against an evil mob-like guy Leland Stromm (George Lazenby) for dumping toxic waste improperly. The two goons go to Frank’s mansion in their monster truck to guard the nephews, but wait a minute… the nephews are also… twins???

If you’ve seen Mr. Nanny you know how this goes. The twins, Bradley and Steven (Christian and Joseph Cousins) enact a series of escalating “pranks” on their guardians that border on (or are) attempted first degree murder. Eventually the twin sets become friends, but can they stay out of danger in time for the uncle to testify?

Your Stupid Minds covers 1982’s Zapped!, a post-Porky’s teen sex comedy where a teenage boy acquires telekinetic powers and uses them mostly to pop girls’ shirts open.

Barney (Scott Baio) is a typical high school nerd (he wears glasses, you see), with free rein over his own science laboratory in the school, dosing mice with whiskey to see if they swim better while drunk. Somehow this results in the titular zapping, and he gains the ability to move objects with his mind. At first his hormones mostly control the power, as numerous ladies’ tops are flung open, but soon enough his awful friend Peyton (Willie Aames) convinces him to use his powers beyond just sexual humiliation. Soon enough Barney is cheating at baseball, cheating at roulette, terrorizing a model plane enthusiast at the park for no reason, you get the idea.

There are numerous other side plots to get this thing well beyond feature length, including a drinking contest at Magic Mountain, a dream sequence involving Scatman Crothers, Albert Einstein, and cartoon salami, a Star Trek parody, and a sexual romp between Principal Coolidge (Robert Mandan) and teacher Ms. Burnhart (Sue Ane Langdon).

Barney starts to feel wary about the use of his powers, but not enough to stop him from enacting an inevitable Carrie parody at the prom, but by tearing off everyone’s clothes instead of murdering them (spoiler for this movie, and Carrie, I suppose).

Your Stupid Minds tackles a prequel no one’s ever heard of to a movie no one ever saw. It’s 2022’s R.I.P.D. 2: Rise of the Damned!

Roy Pulsipher (Jeffrey Donovan, replacing Jeff Bridges in the role) is a sheriff in 1870s Wyoming who’s about to wed his daughter Charlotte (Tilly Keeper) to her weenie fiancé Angus (Richard Fleeshman). But some ruffians try to rob the train station and Roy is shot and killed in the ruckus.

Roy is sent up to heaven to the Rest in Peace Department (R.I.P.D.) where he must help them fight deados and maintain the balance between heaven and hell. He’s sent back to earth with his partner Jeanne (Penelope Mitchell), a 15th century devout French woman warrior with a fear of fire (see if you can guess which historical figure she is). They fight the deados and Roy learns some things about understanding or something.

Did you know Frank Miller’s The Spirit isn’t the only Spirit movie out there? There’s also an almost unaired 1987 made-for-TV movie adaptation! And it also isn’t very good!

Denny Colt (Sam J. Jones of Flash Gordon fame) is a straitlaced cop who comes to town to investigate the death of his mentor Sevrin (Philip Baker Hall). It has something to do with art and artifact forgery and he’s going to get to the bottom of it. But before he can even get started, he’s shot in the gut and falls off a pier. He returns as… The Spirit! Except he isn’t dead (just injured). He hangs out in a cemetery with his sidekick Eubie (Bumper Robinson) and is romantically pursed by the commissioner’s daughter Ellen (Nana Visitor).

His special powers? Well… he can punch guys slightly better than other guys (but not if there are more than 2-3). He can also get knocked unconscious several times without any permanent brain damage because he’s already pretty dumb. He also has the ability to instantly generate tiny form-fitting masks when the occasion arises.

Here we go again! Your Stupid Minds covers another much maligned Pinocchio movie, this time the 2022 Pinocchio directed by Robert Zemeckis and instantly dumped on Disney+.

Geppetto (Tom Hanks) is a sad old man who makes a wooden boy named, you guessed it, Pinocchio (Benjamin Evan Ainsworth). Jiminy Cricket (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) is there, there’s the fox and the cat, Pleasure Island, Luke Evans appears, there’s a whale. You’ve seen the 1940 Pinocchio. You know the deal.

Added to this one: a puppet love interest, some forgettable songs, some lines about “influencers” for the Zoomers, and lots of opportunities for 3D things that you’ll probably never see since this never went to theaters. Lorraine Bracco is a seagull.

It’s Pinocchio season! With a new adaptation of the classic tale burning up awards and another… not, we decided to cover the baffling and much maligned Roberto Benigni Pinocchio from 2002!

Geppetto (Carlo Giuffré) is a sad old man who makes a son out of wood. That boy comes to life as a middle aged Italian man (Benigni) and immediately gets into lots of hijinks. He’s unruly, hyperactive, doesn’t want to go to school, and loves candy. He leaves for weeks at a time to go on adventures where he’s swindled, imprisoned, caught in a bear trap, or turned into a donkey. But the Blue Fairy (Nicoletta Braschi) teaches him how to be less horrible and he becomes a real boy/full grown man.

Your Stupid Minds kicks off 2023 with a movie that takes place in 2023 (so they say). The infamous 1974 film Zardoz, directed by John Boorman, fresh off Deliverance, and starring Sean Connery and Charlotte Rampling.

Zed (Connery), a Brutal Exterminator commanded by the giant stone floating head god Zardoz to kill the Brutals as a form of population control, stows away on the giant floating head and finds himself in a bucolic village full of immortal hippies called the Eternals. The Eternals use the power of the Vortex to live forever. Since they cannot die, the Eternals can only punish one another (mostly for Bad Vibe Crimes) through rapid aging.

Zed is kept as a test subject by May (Sara Kestelman) to find out why he can die and also have sex. Conseulla (Rampling) hates him but is also intrigued. Zed navigates this strange world in order to exact his mission to kill the Eternals, because they hate themselves and want to die.

Featuring:

Ludwig van Beethoven, CC BY-SA 3.0, via Wikimedia Commons

Note: This episode originally aired November 16, 2016.

Your Stupid Minds goes back to its roots (once again) with the first foray into Hollywood(ish) by former football washout Brian “The Boz” Bosworth: 1991’s Stone Cold! The Boz plays undercover cop Joe Huff (under the alter ego John Stone) to infiltrate a murderous, terroristic biker group led by Chains Cooper (Lance Henriksen).

After some mild blackmail from the FBI, Huff/Stone goes undercover to bring a violent Mississippi biker gang down. After feeding his pet lizard (maybe a Komodo Dragon?), he heads off to The South’s Warmest Welcome to meet Chains, second-in-command Ice (William Forsythe), old lady Nancy (Arabella Holzbog), and token wuss Gut (Evan James) to bring down their drug dealing and general violence. Stone gets in deep when he gets feelings for Nancy, and makes up some elaborate drug buy with a limitless supply of FBI drugs.

Can Stone bring the gang down before their terroristic plans from to fruition? Will he get home in time to feed his lizard? Will Gut get the confidence he so sorely needs? Listen to find out!

Your Stupid Minds has maybe the quickest turnaround on a movie and reviews a Hallmark Channel original Christmas picture that came out on Friday. It’s the classic tale of an optometrist falling in love with a colorblind hunk: The Most Colorful Time of the Year (2022)!

Dr. Michelle (Katrina Bowden, a.k.a. Cerie Xerox from 30 Rock) is a widowed single mom with a loser ex-boyfriend who highly suspects that her daughter’s science teacher Mr. Stevens (Christopher Russell) is colorblind. This is because he is overly elusive when asked to identify colors. She signs him up for an experimental trial for a pair of glasses that allow him to see color, but he is resistant. He also hates Christmas, presumably because of all the colors.

Eventually he puts them on, and loves Christmas. He also mentions a classified secret government eye test he took, and then never mentions it again. But there’s a catch: Michelle’s jerk ex boyfriend Mark (R Austin Ball) is back in the picture. Even though she hates him, and her daughter also hates him, will they get back together? You’ll just have to see (eh?) to find out.

On this episode of Your Stupid Minds, Chris’s sister Sarah returns to the podcast because she’s got a stick in her craw regarding the 2022 surprise sleeper summer hit Where the Crawdads Sing. Based on the book of the same name by Delia Owens.

Kya (Daisy Edgar-Jones) is accused of the murder of the high school’s star quarterback Chase (Harris Dickinson) and tells her entire life story to defense attorney Tom Milton (David Strathairn). Her family, including her abusive father, abandoned her at their North Carolina swamp farm so she spent her childhood fending for herself.

A nice swamp boy Tate (Taylor John Smith) teaches her to read, and eventually she starts dating Chase. But the townfolk only know her as “Swamp Girl,” the disgusting swamp creature who kind of resembles a normal little girl who sometimes doesn’t wear shoes.

Will she be found guilty? Did she do it? Why did Sarah get kicked out of her book club? Did author Delia Owens have anything to do with that poacher’s murder in the 90s? You’ll just have to listen to find out. We don’t have any answers for that last question, though.

Your Stupid Minds goes big this episode with a Giganotosaurus-sized episode all about Jurassic World: Dominion! Hey guys, remember Jurassic Park? This movie sure does!

After dinosaurs entered the real world in the last movie, they now roam the planet, eating foxes and nesting on the Empire State Building and whatnot. But also, giant prehistoric locusts are destroying crops. And there’s a clone girl from the last movie and Biosyn, the once main competitor of InGen, wants to find her. After she’s kidnapped, Owen (Chris Pratt) and Claire (Bryce Dallas Howard), who serve as her parents of sorts, rush off to find her.

Meanwhile, Dr. Ellie Sattler (Laura Dern), and Dr. Alan Grant (Sam Neill) try to solve the mystery of the giant locusts and go off to Biosyn’s headquarters to find answers, with the help of, you guessed it Dr. Ian Malcolm (Jeff Goldblum). Then they all fight dinos for a million hours and rehash every moment from the first movie that they didn’t already do in Jurassic World. Remember Dodgson? Remember the shaving cream can? They’re back!

Your Stupid Minds celebrates its 200th episode with a movie we probably should have reviewed already: 1986’s Chopping Mall, directed by Jim Wynorski. 80s teens. Killer robots in the mall. Barbara Crampton. What more do you want?

Four young people and their four companions stay in the mall overnight to have a beer-fueled… orgy, I guess, inside of a furniture store. But there’s a small problem, a lightening storm has caused the security robots that guard the mall to go crazy and turn into killbots! Also, the mall is completely locked down with steel security doors at night (probably violating local fire codes, as one IMDb trivia writer points out). Will the young people make it out alive? And what of their companions?

Next up in our mini-series of “80s Halloween Movies the Criterion Channel picked for us,” it’s Paul Schrader’s 1982 “remake,” of sorts, of the 1942 movie of the same name. It’s Cat People!

Orphan Irena (Nastassja Kinski) arrives in New Orleans to be reunited with her long-lost brother Paul (Malcolm McDowell), who is especially affectionate and nuzzly at her arrival. When he disappears for a few days, she finds herself drawn to a black leopard at the zoo. Meanwhile she’s falling in love with zookeeper Oliver (John Heard), who coaxed her out of a tree with some canned tuna or something.

Paul returns and continues to try to have sex with his sister. It turns out they both are descended from cat people. They can have sex with each other without consequences, but if they have sex with a person they turn into cats. The only way to turn back into a human is to kill a human. Paul does a very bad job of explaining this.

Will Irena embrace her cat people roots? Will she never love a human? Or will she give in to her desires and have sex with Oliver to bring out her inner cat? You’ll have to see for yourself. If it helps, there is a kickin’ David Bowie title theme song.

Your Stupid Minds takes advantage of the Criterion Channel doing our curation for us by choosing a spook-em-up in its 80s horror series: another Lucio Fulci movie, it’s 1981’s The House by the Cemetery!

Dr. Norman Boyle (played by the incredibly Italian Paolo Malco) his wife Lucy (Catriona MacColl) and their cherubic, etherial son Bob (Giovanni Frezza) move temporarily into a creepy New England house so the dad can do research or something.

Over time it turns out this creepy house is, like, really creepy. Bob is clued in by another cherubic, etherial child Mae (Silvia Collatina) warning him against going to the house. A series of gruesome, Fulci-style murders later (not counting the one in the cold open that has nothing to do with anything), and Norman is determined to save his family from this malevolent force.

Your Stupid Minds releases a bonus second episode in two weeks to make up for being a week late last week. In any case, now we’re caught up. This time around we review a movie that was basically lost until 2013 when it turned up in a batch of 1,000 pornographic 35mm prints donated to the American Genre Film Archive. It’s 1976’s (or 1975, depending on who you ask) The Astrologer!

Alexander (played by writer, director, and producer Craig Denney) is a con man at a carnival who goes to Kenya to steal some diamonds with an oil baron and his wife. He gets captured and imprisoned (possibly more than once, it isn’t clear), gets out and steals some cursed diamonds.

Eventually he’s able to sell them in Tahiti and heads back to Southern California to find his fortune the traditional way: by starting an entertainment empire of a hit movie and six hit television shows all about astrology. Everything starts to unravel eventually and it ends with a quote from King Lear. Also starring Denney’s cousin Darrien Earle (named Darrien in the movie), who was also Lee Iacocca’s third wife.

It's time to Geostorm! After a one-week delay, we're back covering one of the worst movies about a global weather controlling satellite network of 2017, it's Geostorm, directed by frequent Roland Emmerich collaborator Dean Devlin.

Jake Lawson (Gerard Butler) is a world famous satellite designer who is the creator of Dutch Boy, a satellite network tasked with controlling the weather to combat the ravages of climate change. His bad boy ways cause him to get kicked off the project, and his brother Max (Jim Sturgess) is put in charge.

But, Dutch Boy causes series of freak weather occurrences so Max asks his brother to go up to the International Space Station to investigate. It turns out these aren't glitches, but something more sinister. Also starring Andy Garcia as President Andrew Palma, Ed Harris as Secretary of State Leonard Dekkom who is definitely not the bad guy, and Abbie Cornish as Secret Service Agent Sarah Wilson.

Your Stupid Minds covers one of the many movies leaving HBO Max at the end of the month in the platform’s effort pre-merger to make their streaming service really bad! This one isn't a huge loss though. It’s 2014’s Dracula Untold!

Vlad Drăculea (Luke Evans) is Prince of Wallachia and Transylvania and mostly a good dad and leader, despite some light impaling he’s done in the past. Sultan Mehmed II is leader of the Ottoman Empire and eyeing his territory, and also wants to take his son Ingeras (Art Parkinson) as a Janissary, so Vlad meets up with a disgusting vampire he met in a cave (Charles Dance) and strikes a deal with him to borrow his vampire powers for three days so he can kill the entire Turkish army and turn back into a human so long as he doesn’t feed.

Vlad’s wife Mierna (Sarah Gadon) is a little peeved he didn’t talk to her first, but eventually is okay with it and he tears through the Turkish army with his bat powers. Can he resist temptation and return to human form, or will he become a vampire forever? Obviously the latter, since Dracula is, like, a thing. So no mystery there.

Note: This episode originally aired May 30, 2016.

Your Stupid Minds finally covers one of the A-listers in the schlock movie pantheon: Andy Sidaris’s Hard Ticket to Hawaii. Sidaris was a sports director who decided to jump over to 1980s sexploitation flicks. With muse and former Playmate of the Month Dona Speir, he went on a quest to create the most bonkers action films of the decade.

Donna (Spier) and Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton) are buxom drug agents who stumble on an RC helicopter-based diamond smuggling drug ring. They elicit the help of boyfriend agent Rowdy (Ronn Moss) and Jade (South Florida kickboxing superstar Harold Diamond) to rescue their friend and blow up as many things as possible. There’s also a contaminated killer snake, several deaths by Bazooka, a zany handstand skateboarding assassin, and a spiked death frisbee.

Blockade Entertainment went to Sony with a dream. “What if,” they said, “we took one of your lesser PS3 exclusive games and used old existing game assets to make a big budget movie?” Sony said “let’s do it!” and fished around in their couch cushions for enough money to slap this together on the cheap using a third string Korean animation studio. What we have is 2014’s Heavenly Sword, based on the 2007 game that no one remembered even at the time.

Nariko (Anna Torv) is an orphan part of a nomadic group of warriors tasked with protecting the “Heavenly Sword,” a powerful sword that is magic or something. But evil King Bohan (Alfred Molina, NOT Andy Serkis as IMDb claims. Serkis voiced him in the game) has made a pact with the Raven God and wants the sword to do evil things.

Bohan attacks the group’s base (I thought they were nomadic?) and Nariko is tasked with finding her long lost brother Loki (Thomas Jane), who is the chosen one and can use Heavenly Sword powers to defeat Bohan. Nariko goes on her quest with Kai (Ashleigh Ball) a violent little girl who turns out to be her sister. Also it turns out her dad is the group’s leader Master Shen (Nolan North) who hates girls.

After some heavy material about kids in King Arthur’s court and 3 ninjas, we decided on a lighter fare this time. What about a serial killer who kills and skins people? And also his actual name is Skinner? It’s 1993’s Skinner, directed by Ivan Nagy.

Dennis Skinner (Ted Raimi) is a mind-mannered nerd renting a room out to innocent housewife Kerry (Ricki Lake). But he has a horrible secret he’s barely able to maintain: he’s a serial killer who skins his victims and wears their skin. HIs name is Skinner.

Heidi (Traci Lords) is one of his previous victims who’s been hunting him down for five years, which mainly consists of her shooting up old timey 19th century opioids and then following Skinner to a river and mumbling about how much she hates him.

There’s also Kerry’s jerk husband Geoff (David Warshofsky) and a sleazy flop house owner Eddie (Richard Schiff). Will Heidi kill the killer before he strikes again? If she does, will we the audience even see it since this movie is shot and lit horribly? You’ll just have to watch to find out! Also, please don’t watch this.

This time, Your Stupid Minds reviews a forgettable 90s family movie that is available on Disney+, 1995’s A Kid in King Arthur’s Court. A kid travels back in time (or to an alternate universe where King Arthur actually existed) to 6th century England to show medieval people the wonders of Rollerblades and portable CD players.

Calvin (Thomas Ian Nicholas) falls through a crack in the earth after sucking at a baseball game and finds himself in Camelot. He spends most of his time in this extremely strange situation trying to court King Arthur’s (Joss Ackland) daughter Princess Katey (Paloma Baeza). But also an evil Lord Belasco (Art Malik) has a nefarious plot to marry the king’s other daughter Sarah (Kate Winslet), even though she’s in love with the jousting instructor Master Kane (Daniel Craig). Calvin defeats the bad guy mostly though 90s catchphrases and gadgets.

Your Stupid Minds moves chronologically backwards in the 3 Ninjas franchise with 1994’s 3 Ninjas Kick Back, the second movie in the franchise. If you saw the original 3 Ninjas and thought “this doesn’t appeal to me, a dumb babby, enough,” then this is the movie for you!

Grandpa Mori (Victor Wong) and one third of the kids from the original movie are back and they’re going to Japan! …Eventually. First they have to compete in the dirtiest Little League game of all time, and then a luggage switch-em-up forces Colt (Max Elliott Slade), Rocky (Sean Fox), and Tum Tum (J. Evan Bonifant) to commit identify fraud to go to Japan and bring a sacred dagger to their grandpa in time for the end of a ninja tournament.

But who is this? Evil bad guy Koga (Sab Shimono) is trying to steal the dagger for reasons. And he’s using his dumb nephew and his two dumb friends to do it! Also who is this Japanese girl Miyo (Caroline Junko King) who is so good at ninja stuff? And why won’t this kid on the opposing baseball team stop farting? And why does Tum Tum break the fourth wall at the very end? You’ll just have to watch to find out!

This episode originally aired January 15, 2018.

Your Stupid Minds presents a ‘90s stuntcasting double feature this month, starting with Skyscraper, which is Die Hard plus boobs plus helicopter and starring Anna Nicole Smith. Carrie Wisk (Smith) is a helicopter pilot for Helescort (which sounds like a prostitute delivery service) and married to LAPD cop Gordon (Richard Steinmetz). When she delivers some evil dudes to a downtown high rise, she arrives in the middle of a deadly game of cat and mouse. They try to recover the last piece of a superweapon microchip, while she struggles to stay alive. There are also 2.5 sex scenes in this movie.

Your Stupid Minds continues its “semi-recent movies that actually aren’t that bad and available on Disney Plus” series with the third Narnia movie that Disney dumped and neither of us got around to seeing until now. It’s 2010’s The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader!

Edmund (Skandar Keynes) and Lucy (Georgie Henley) are stuck in northern England waiting out the Blitz with their annoying cousin Eustace (Will Poulter) when they’re sucked into a painting and end up back in Narnia. They board King Caspian’s (Ben Barnes) ship the Dawn Treader and must recover some magic swords to stop an evil green mist from ravaging the land. That's about all you need to know.

Your Stupid Minds accidentally reviews two Kaya Scodelario movies in a row by covering a film shot in 2014, and intended to release in 2015. Instead it was dumped unceremoniously into theaters in January of this year. It’s 2022’s The King’s Daughter! Directed by Sean McNamara (3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain).

Marie-Josephe (Scodelario) is an orphan brought to 18th century Versailles for unknown reasons. It turns out she’s, get this, the king’s daughter. Specifically, the daughter of King Louis XIV (Pierce Brosnon). So she must navigate the court intrigue of the palace while she finds true love.

ALSO, the king wants to live forever, so he uses his quack court doctor Labarthe (Pablo Schreiber) to concoct a plan wherein if he eats the heart of a mermaid during an eclipse, he will achieve immortality. So the king hires a Captain Yves (Benjamin Walker) to capture a mermaid (Bingbing Fan) to do the deed. Will he go through with it? Will he have a change of heart? Did anyone see this movie? You’ll have to listen to find out.

Your Stupid Minds features another underperforming pandemic film with this hard reboot of the Resident Evil franchise, removing Alice and the laser puzzles of the Paul W.S. Anderson films and sticking to something closer to the video game remakes. It’s 2021’s Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City!

Claire (Kaya Scodelario) is a former orphan from Raccoon City who returns to visit her brother Chris (Robbie Amell) and tell him something’s not right with the town. She is almost immediately proven right when a warning siren goes off and the T-Virus zombified townsfolk start attacking everyone. Can Claire, Chris, and the rest of the S.T.A.R.S. police squad escape the city before it explodes? Can they cram as much stuff from the games as they can? Will Jill Sandwich make an appearance? You’ll have to watch to find out!

Your Stupid Minds returns to the ninja movie well in our futile attempt to find a bad one. Surely the huge flop reboot based on toys will do the trick, right? Right? It's 2021's Snake Eyes: G.I. Origins.

Snake Eyes (Henry Golding) witnesses his father's murder as a child, and he vows to get big and buff and seek revenge. When evil Yakuza guy Kenta (Takehiro Hira) says he'll give him his father's killer if he works for him, Snake Eyes agrees. It begins when he's asked to execute a traitor in the gang's midst, who turns out to be Tommy (Andrew Koji) heir to the Arashikage ninja clan.

I can't get into much more without spoiling the plot, so let's just say there are some cool ninja fights and a glowing jewel that vaporizes dudes. And of course Cobra is involved.

Your Stupid Minds returns to the well of meh Disney movies with an unfaithful adaptation of the broom dancing sequence from Fantasia. It’s 2010’s The Sorcerer’s Apprentice!

In a flashback to 740 A.D., Merlin (James A. Stephens) is betrayed by this trusted apprentice Horvath (Alfred Molina) and slain by the evil sorcerer Morgana (Alice Krige). A bunch of years later, in 2000 A.D., a kid named Dave (played by Jay Baruchel when he grows up) wanders into a curio shop and is given a magic dragon ring by Balthazar (Nicolas Cage). Ten MORE years later, in 2010 A.D., they must work together to stop Horvath from freeing Morgana, who will destroy the world or something.

Your Stupid Minds covers the dingy, sociopathic, completely unnecessary sequel to Saturday Night Fever: the Sylvester Stallone-directed Staying Alive from 1983. And to sweeten the pot, we have a special guest: author and Plan 9 from Outer Space lover Katharine Coldiron!

It’s six years after 1977’s Saturday Night Fever, and Tony Manero (John Travolta) is a struggling dancer trying to make it in the big city. His on-again-off-again girlfriend Jackie (Cynthia Rhodes) supports him, despite his general flakiness and constant desire to cheat on her and treat her like a doormat. When Jackie scores a spot in a hit Broadway show, Tony ingratiates himself with/seduces the star Laura (Finola Hughes) and gets himself into the laughably titled and orchestrated Satan’s Alley. Tony sleeps with Laura, then becomes weird and possessive. Can he make it in the show? Or will his machismo sabotage his aspirations?

Our guest, Katharine Coldiron, has a new monograph out about Plan 9 from Outer Space, a movie that inspired our namesake and is near and dear to our hearts. It’s called, appropriately, Plan 9 from Outer Space and it is available through PS Publishing. You can find it in hardback or ebook and is also available from Amazon.

You can also find Katharine on her website, Twitter, and the Dana Gould Hour.

What is Vanquish (2021)? Is it an action film? Is it a money laundering scheme? Is it a sweetheart deal with some new Uzbekistani streaming service? Whatever is is, it isn’t good.

Retired hero cop Damon (Morgan Freeman) was paralyzed in the line of duty and therefore Freeman does not have to stand up to leave the room throughout the entire movie. He now lives in his giant glass mansion calling corrupt cops on the phone and scheming criminal deeds. He decides to “help” his ex-hitwoman caretaker Victoria (Ruby Rose) by kidnapping her sick daughter and making Victoria do five cash pickups in one night to get her back. However, not each pickup is what it seems. Is there some ulterior motive for his plan? Yes.

Your Stupid Minds returns to its alternating YA theme with a book adaptation that Miramax and Disney had big hopes for, and then was dumped on Disney+ in the middle of the pandemic without so much as a $20 premium to watch it. It's 2020's Artemis Fowl, directed by Sir Kenneth Branagh.

Artemis Fowl II (Ferdia Shaw) is a super smart smarmy super genius whose mom is dead and dad (Artemis Fowl I, played by Colin Farrell) keeps leaving for long stretches of time for strange and sexy adventures. But one of dad's adventures puts him in hot water with a mysterious fairy (who looks like Ronan the Accuser) who kidnaps the dad and demands Artemis II give them the Aculos, an egg-shaped MacGuffin that has a bunch of power and stuff. Can Artemis save his dad? Using an elaborate heist-like plan and high charisma buff? Yeah.

Your Stupid Minds opens 2022 by covering Twitter’s latest punching bag: a Christian film where a group of German Christian youth start a religious movement in an oppressive dystopian society by spray painting Jesus fish on trees and mailing people DVDs. It’s 2025 - The World enslaved by a Virus (2021).

Taken directly from the description: "It’s 2025, The world as we have known in 2020 does not exist anymore. The Virus changed the world, and communism is all over the place. A global world language developed, meetings are illegal, traveling is illegal, and Christianity is illegal. A group of Christians is trying to fight back."

Roy (writer and director Joshua Wesely) is a young(ish) man trying to be Christian in a world where it’s banned. He and his sister Hannah (Antonia Joy Speer) spray Jesus fish around the place until Hannah is shot by one of the government’s goons. They eventually ban together with an ex-Marine, a hacker, and a woman on the inside named Leila (played by Wesely’s now-wife) to spread the gospel and keep out of reach of the authorities.

This description sounds a lot cooler than what is actually in the film. The reality of what’s presented is a muddy, sloppy, half-written mess of meandering scenes, a surprising lack of conflict, sub-iMovie special effects, and ear-bleedingly bad Christian rock songs played in their entirety.

Due to the recent heat from this film and the suspicious and unconfirmed age difference between Wesely and his now wife, both of their Instagram accounts are currently set to private. We’ll go into more detail about that in the episode.

Just in time for Christmas, we review our third Nutcracker movie in five years, 2018’s The Nutcracker and the Four Realms! Eventually filmmakers will run out of ways to ruin this classic public domain story.

Clara’s (Mackenzie Foy) mom is dead. She and her family are sad. Her dead mom gives her a toy egg with a lock but no key. Clara goes to a Christmas party, talks to a weird scientist Drosselmeyer (Morgan Freeman) and finds herself in another realm (or realms? We’re not entirely sure which realm is what) with a Sugar Plum fairy (Keira Knightley), a Mother Ginger (Helen Mirren), a guy dressed as an 18th century soldier but is just a regular dude but I guess he’s the Nutcracker but his name is Phillip (Jayden Fowora-Knight), and some rats.

There’s something about finding the key, yes the key to the egg but also to a machine that does bad or good things. Some tin soldiers come to life and there’s a clown gang. There’s also some dancing.

1995’s Top Dog asks the big questions. Well, really one question: What would happen if we paired Chuck Norris with a dog to fight Neo-Nazi terrorists in San Diego and released it nine days after the Oklahoma City bombing? The answer is nothing good.

Reno (played by Betty the dog, uncredited) is a hero dog who plays by his own rules. After his human partner is killed by white supremacist terrorists, Reno teams up with loser drunk spin-kick cop Jake Wilder (Norris) to bust the case wide open. But there are some departures where Reno has to bust up a trap house, and watch the show Cops. Eventually they get around to stopping the terrorists.

In honor of Halloween Kills slicing up the box office (and the holiday of Halloween in general) we reviewed a less successful foray into the franchise with possibly its worst entry, 2002’s Halloween: Resurrection!

After decapitating Michael Myers in the last film, the embarrassingly titled but by all accounts decent Halloween H20: 20 Years Later, this movie opens with Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis) in a mental institution. The exposition nurse reveals that in a stunning plot twist that allows them to make more Halloween movies, Michael switched his outfit with that of an innocent father of three EMT, who was the person Laurie actually decapitated. Michael is still alive.

Laurie is in a constant state of pretend shock one year later, but lies in wait for Michael to come for her on Halloween so she can unleash her trap. Unfortunately for Laurie (and fortunately for Jamie Lee Curtis, who desperately wanted to stop making these movies) Michael slips out of the trap and kills her.

A year later, and unrelated to everything that just happened, some college students sign up to star in a livestreamed internet reality series called Dangertainment. After being recruited by Freddie Harris (Busta Rhymes) and Nora Winston (Tyra Banks), the cadre of horny teens are locked in Michael Myers’s childhood home and must search for clues as to why he’s so crazy. But what’s really crazy is Michael has been living under the house this entire time and emerges to kill them off!

Since we are completists, we circled back to watch Exit Wounds (2001). Directed by Andrzej Bartkowiak and starring... well just switch out the cast from Cradle 2 the Grave but replace Jet Li with Steven Seagal. And add Michael Jai White, Jill Hennessy, Bill Duke, and the visage of Eva Mendes.

Orin Boyd (Seagal) is a loose cannon Detroit cop who is in a lot of trouble for saving the vice president’s life. As punishment, he must go to the the dreaded Precinct 15, the most corrupt precinct in the entire city. While there, Boyd has situations thrust upon where where he is required to Judo like fifty guys; whether it be the half dozen street punks trying to steal his truck, or the elaborate heist in the hall of records.

Through his bumbling, Boyd eventually figures out the force is crawling with corrupt cops trafficking heroin by soaking t-shirts in it and then drying them (yes, that’s their actual plan). Will he have to settle the score himself? Or will he have a little help from friend/foe Latrell (DMX)? Seagal also pummels a bouncer in the face with a chain for basically no reason.

We’ll be honest. We were trying to watch Exit Wounds, the Andrzej Bartkowiak directed movie starring DMX, Anthony Anderson, Tom Arnold, and Steven Seagal. Somehow we mixed it up with Cradle 2 the Grave, directed by Andrzej Bartkowiak starring DMX, Anthony Anderson, Tom Arnold, and JET LI. We’re considering it an upgrade.

Anthony Fait (DMX) is a friendly jewel thief who steals from rich jerks and doesn’t use guns. With his crew Daria (Gabrielle Union), Tommy (Anderson), and Odion (Michael Jace), they break in somewhere and steal some mysterious black diamonds. Su (Li) calls Anthony and wants those stones. X won’t give it to him (what?) he won't give it to him. So Su beats up Odion in a subway.

Weirdly, Su turns out to be a good guy, because he’s trying to protect the stones from the evil Ling (Marc Dacascos), who steals Anthony’s daughter, which requires an MMA cage fight, backroom striptease, ATV street chase, and tank attack to get her and the stones back.

Film critic, tabletop gaming enthusiast, and Trinity University alumnus Matthew Monagle joins Your Stupid Minds to talk about 2020’s The New Mutants, a film troubled by reshoots, company mergers, and a theatrical release right in the middle of a global pandemic.

Dani Moonstar (Blu Hunt) is brought to a mysterious facility after her entire family dies during a “tornado.” The facility’s sole employee, Dr. Cecilia Reyes (Alice Braga), tells her she’s a mutant (of the X-Men variety, not the post-apocalyptic) and she’s in this building for her own protection.

Dani meets other young mutants in the facility: Sam (Stranger Things’s Charlie Heaton), Rahne (Game of Thrones’s Maisie Williams), Illyana (Queen’s Gambit’s Anya Taylor-Joy) and Roberto (Teen Wolf’s Henry Zaga), and together they try to take control of their powers (or discover what they are), figure out why they can’t leave, watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer (created by no one), and, if they have time, discover why their nightmares come to life and try to kill them.

If you’re wondering if this a) has anything to do with a certain “sinister” X-Men villain teased in a previous film, and b) if this will result in an entire New Mutants cinematic universe, the answer is yes and no.

Strap yourself in and enjoy the ride for this fast-paced, tongue-in-cheek, aesthetically beautiful episode! Did you know Louise Linton, (possibly better known as the wife of Suicide Squad executive producer and former Trump treasury secretary Steven Mnuchin) produced, directed, wrote, and starred in her own movie about a girlboss serial killer? Did you know it's just as awful as I just described? Because that's Me You Madness (2021) baby!

Catherine (Linton) is a take-charge finance person who's rich, beautiful, confident, and also... murders and eats people? Whoa, talk about a twist! Unless you've seen American Psycho. But don't worry, this movie hangs a lampshade on that so this doesn't count as a ripoff. The movie (which takes place in modern day) also features a bunch of chart-topping '80s songs, just in case you forgot American Psycho took place in the '80s.

For the purposes of setting up this threadbare plot, Catherine catfishes a sexy conman Tyler (Gossip Girl's Ed Westwick) into renting a room in her hideous cavernous Malibu mansion in order to kill him. But things get complicated after an MDMA-fueled threesome, and Catherine starts to fall for him. Will sparks fly? No. Will they argue for the last third of the movie in a completely annoying way? Yes. Did Louise Linton hire a troll farm to spam positive reviews of her movie on Rotten Tomatoes? Almost certainly yes.

Hey, did you know a new Mortal Kombat movie comes out tomorrow? Huh, weird. Well, just by sheer coincidence, we reviewed 1997's Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, a movie reviled even by Mortal Kombat film franchise fans.

Shao Kahn (Brian Thompson), immediately at the conclusion of the first film, shows up to destroy the earth, breaking the rules of Mortal Kombat and rendering everything that happened in the last movie completely moot.

The remaining heroes Liu Kang (Robin Shou) and Kitana (Talisa Soto), as well as their non-union Mexican equivalents Rayden (James Remar) Sonya Blade (Sandra Hess) and Jax (Lynn 'Red' Williams) must team up once again to stop him. This time Liu Kang must unlock his Animality, thus saving his Babality for the nonexistent theatrically released second sequel.

Your Stupid Minds ends its two-movie cyborg series and jumps in to our tried and true “Worst of the Previous Year” mainstay. 2020 didn’t have a huge number of films to choose from, but luckily the first three months of the year, where the stinkiest movies usually reside, were relatively pandemic free. In January, Universal unceremoniously dumped Dolittle into theaters with little fanfare, and the shark critics (who can talk) swarmed on its carcass.

Dr. John Dolittle (Robert Downey Jr.) is a doctor who can talk to animals. He also has a dead wife, so like all movies released in the last decade, he is stricken with grief, trauma, and depression. Lady Rose (Carmel Laniado) comes to him to say Queen Victoria (Jessie Buckley) is sick and needs his expertise of talking to animals to cure her. Also, the lifelong lease for this properly is tied to the queen’s life and not his own for some reason.

Dolittle must sail to some place to get a book to go to another place to find the fruit of the Eden Tree to save the queen. He brings along his menagerie of CGI animals with unremarkable celebrity voices, including Emma Thompson as a parrot, Rami Malek as a gorilla, Kumail Nanjiani as an ostrich, John Cena as a polar bear, and so on. There’s also a kid named Stubbins (Harry Collett as a Tom Holland type, though Holland is also in the movie voicing a dog) who tags along, and Dolittle is chased by the villain Dr. Blair Müdfly (Michael Sheen). And a whale shows up at some point. And a dragon poops out some bagpipes.

We continue our ad hoc mini cyborg series with a sequel to an Albert Pyun movie but not directed by Pyun: Cyborg 2: Glass Shadow.

Cash (a 17 year old Angelina Jolie in her first starring role) is a top-of-the-line cyborg created to seduce her company’s competitors and blow them up. Her and her karate instructor Colton Ricks (Elias Koteas) have a good rapport, but a mysterious mouth named Mercy (Jack Palance) connect with both of them on every available CRT television nearby.

Mercy helps them both escape and they’re on the run from competing cyborg hunters Chen (Karen Sheperd) and the unhinged Danny Bench (Billy Drago). They eventually find themselves at an outpost Fallout-style town where Colt must fight in a death match for the money to escape.

In a vague gesture toward Cyberpunk 2077, that game people used to complain about a month ago, Your Stupid Minds dips into Amazon Prime's vast archive of schlock and found 1992's Nemesis, directed by YSM mainstay Albert Pyun (Dangerously Close, Captain America).

Alex (Olivier Gruner, a Jean-Claude Van Damme type) is an LAPD cop with cyborg enhancements. He is tasked with finding his former partner and lover Jared (Marjorie Monaghan), who has gone rogue and allied with cyborg terrorists... or has she? He goes on his mission after a bomb is implanted into his heart without his consent.

Alex comes across various players in this confusing scenario, including cyborg babes, gang leader Angie-Liv (Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa), a Lori Petty type named Max Impact (Merle Kennedy), his boss Farnsworth, a Mike Pence type (Tim Thomerson), and Billy, a Thomas Jane type (Thomas Jane). There are a bunch of shoot outs and some cyber eyeball gore. I think a Terminator attacks their helicopter. Some other cool stuff happens.

Legend has it every three years, Danielle and Valeah will return to Your Stupid Minds to review a middling Christmas movie. That legend has been fulfilled for Netflix’s The Knight Before Christmas, starring Vanessa Hudgens and some British guy. Featuring special guests, as previously mentioned, Valeah and Danielle.

Brooke (Hudgens) is a schoolteacher in small town Ohio who recently suffered a mild breakup that hasn’t really affected her at all, is ambivalent but not hostile toward Christmas, and has dead parents that are barely mentioned. When she hits a mentally unwell person with her car, she decides to take him home to her mansion and let him stay in her 1,500 square foot guest house. Never mind the man (Josh Whitehouse) is wearing full knight regalia, goes by “Sir Cole” (or “Circle” if you say it fast enough) and talks like a RenFest role-player. He’s cute.

As it turns out, Circle is actually a medieval knight, transported to the pre-COVID 21st century by an old crone in the woods to fulfill his quest of becoming a true knight. What is that quest? The crone isn’t clear. Hopefully it involves learning to drive a car, catching and eating a skunk, called Mrs. Claus an old crone, or putting an Amazon Echo into a freezer, because that’s what he does.

We finally got around to reviewing Money Plane. What is Money Plane, you ask? A movie about a plane. With money on it. Well, not really. Cryptocurrency. Which I guess can be considered money. And you bet on snuff films. Or something. And you rob it. Rob the Money Plane.

Jack Reese (former wrestler Adam “Edge” Copeland) is a thief with $40 million in gambling debts. When his crew is set up during an art heist, aforementioned criminal boss “The Rumble” (Kelsey Grammer) buys his debt and makes him rob a billion dollars in cryptocurrency from a flying casino. Which cryptocurrencies? Let your imagination decide that.

His crew, consisting of karate lady Isabella (Katrina Norman), hacker Trey (Patrick Lamont, Jr.), and not-as-good hacker Iggy (Andrew Lawrence), concoct a plan to rob the Money Plane, and then it mostly goes as planned. Also Jack’s friend Harry (Thomas Jane) is around to fly a drone in case things go south.

A halloween spooktacular so good you’ll puke your guts out! It’s Lucio Fulci’s 1980 movie City of the Living Dead!

A New England priest (Fabrizio Jovine) hangs himself in order to open a portal to hell and unleash an army of the undead. Mary (Catriona MacColl) discovers his plot during a New York seance and travels with a reporter (Christopher George) to stop the zombie horde on All Saint’s Day through… means.

Meanwhile, the denizens of Dunwich, Massachusetts notice strange happenings in the town, including, but not limited to, earthquakes, make out hauntings, 30% of the population dying of fright (according to the coroner), skull smashings, organ pukings, and a perverted gas station attendant with a blow up doll.

We're sealing up our loosey-goosey Worst of 2019 series with the most notorious big budget movie of the year: 2019's Cats! Featuring special guest Sarah Richard (née Dobson).

Victoria (Francesca Hayward) is a cat abandoned by her owners on the mean streets of Cat London. There she meets up with a musical bunch of Jellicle cats who show her the ropes of what it means to be Jellicle. They all sing their silly songs as proof that they are the Jellicle Choice™.

Meanwhile, the evil cat Macavity (Idris Elba), kidnaps all the Jellicles using magic and sends them to a boat on the Thames in order to secure his spot as the Jellicle Choice™ to go to the Heaviside Layer.

That's the plot.

Rebel Wilson eats a humanoid cockroach at some point.

Your Stupid Minds continues its ad hoc Worst of 2019 series with a big budget adaptation of a book that was not nearly as best-selling as the book: The Goldfinch! Starring a bevy of hot young male actors with incredibly silly names.

Theo Decker (Oakes Fegley) is a boy who is a victim in a terrorist attack targeting New York's Metropolitan Museum of Art. His mother is killed in the blast and he goes to live with some WASP-y family friends. The matriarch Mrs. Barbour (Nicole Kidman) takes a liking to Theo, but he is whisked away by his deadbeat alcoholic gambling addicted dad Larry (Luke Wilson).

He moves outside Las Vegas and befriends an emo looking Ukrainian boy Boris (Finn Wolfhard). There is some time jumping to the present with Ansel Elgort as adult Theo. Something about a missing painting. A young homoerotic experience. A deadly yachting accident. An elaborate European art heist. Some other things too. It's really long.

Your Stupid Minds continues its Worst of 2019 mini theme with a film that technically didn’t come out in 2019 (December of 2018) but also didn’t really come out anywhere, really. Nicolas Cage stars as another character named Joe in Maria Pulera's ghostly thriller dark comedy drama horror film Between Worlds.

Joe (Cage) is a widower Alabama truck driver whose wife and five-year-old daughter died tragically in a house fire. He comes across a woman named Julie (Run Lola Run’s Franka Potente) being choked out in a truck stop bathroom. He beats up the choker, but Julie explains the choking was consensual. She has a psychic ability to exist “between worlds” when she is near death. She needs to use her ability to rescue the soul of her daughter, who is in a coma after a motorcycle accident.

Joe and Julie start a relationship, but things are not what they seem as the recovering daughter Billie (Penelope Mitchell) begins acting stranger and hornier than usual.

Your Stupid Minds enters the world of Baker Dill as part of its ad hoc Worst of 2019 series with the flop Serenity. Don’t worry nerds! We’re reviewing the other movie named Serenity that was a big flop. The one about fishing and step-dad revenge. Not Joss Whedon’s space opera.

Baker Dill (Matthew McConaughey) is an island fisherman trying to catch a giant tuna named Justice. His high school sweetheart Karen (Anne Hathaway) finds him and offers $10 million to kill her abusive husband Frank (Jason Clarke), and Dill is conflicted. This is all I can say without giving away the big twist.

In honor of our one-off mention of the scene where a man throws a dog in the ocean, Your Stupid Minds reviews Hulk Hogan’s Mr. Nanny!

Sean Armstrong (Hogan, credited as Terry “Hulk” Hogan, which is still not his real name) is a down-and-out wrestler whose manager Burt (Sherman Hemsley) gets him a job as a bodyguard. It turns out Armstrong will oversee two psychotic children for Alex Mason (Austin Pendleton), the CEO of a microchip company.

While the two children find various clever ways to try to kill their new bodyguard/nanny, the evil Tommy Thanatos (played by the News York Dolls’s David Johansen, who also wrote and performed the soundtrack) finds devious ways to get his hands on a cutting edge microchip Mason’s company is developing. Hijinks ensue.

Apropos of nothing, Your Stupid Minds reviews 1994's Streets of Rage, a vanity project written, produced, and starring wrestler Mimi Lesseos.

Melody Sails (Lesseos) is a former special forces badass and aspiring journalist. After talking to some homeless children in the slums of Los Angeles, she uncovers a pattern of child murder which ties back to evil British pimp Lunar (Oliver Page). Melody also juggles three different men after her affections, and fends off other men in the form of random street goons by kicking and punching them.

Your Stupid Minds reviews Sniper: Special Ops based solely on its horrific Photoshop Frankenstein DVD cover. And Steven Seagal is in it.

Jake (Seagal) is a 65-year-old elite Army sniper on a mission in Afghanistan (which has geography that in no way resembles Southern California) to save a kidnapped congressman. The squad leader Vic (Tim Abell) is also present, along with Vasquez, (wrestler Rob Van Dam) and some other people. Jake shoots two dudes with the sniper rifle, then it breaks and he never uses it again. One squad member is shot in the spine and unable to evacuate via the Humvee, so Jake stays with him out of the goodness of his heart (and not because leaving would require him to descend a number of stairs).

After the mission, the movie shifts completely to a story about a broken truck and a women with her child. There is also a plucky Lois Lane-like reporter Janet (Charlene Amoia). These storylines eventually converge, sort of, and Seagal stays seated for most of the movie.

Featured Music: Crossing the Chasm by Kevin MacLeod Link: https://incompetech.filmmusic.io/song/3562-crossing-the-chasm License: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Your Stupid Minds enters 2020 with one of the worst of 2019: the John Travolta starring, Fred Durst directed movie out of time The Fanatic. Moose (Travolta) is a Los Angeles resident obsessed with the past-his-prime action star Hunter Dunbar (Devon Sawa). He gets access to a premiere party only to discover he isn’t there. After multiple attempts to make contact, his friend Leah (Ana Golja) points him to an app that maps celebrities’ homes. He uses this opportunity to stalk Dunbar and do a bunch of other weird things.

Your Stupid Minds celebrates the holiday season, nutcrackers, Lifetime movies, and incest-based coffee commercials with our latest episode of 2018’s A Very Nutty Christmas!

Kate Holiday (Melissa Joan Hart) is a woman who doesn’t dislike Christmas but is generally stressed out by it. She’s a baker and has to bake a lot of cookies for the holidays. After her actor/Santa boyfriend Mark (Ryan Caltagirone) dumps her, she acquires the original nutcracker toy which inspired the Nutcracker ballet.

Needless to say it comes to life as a hunky guy named Chip (played by the older brother of Simon from 7th Heaven) and they become boyfriend and girlfriend. He teaches her about the meaning of Christmas by saving her bakery while working on poverty wages and cracking a lot of nuts with his bare hands.

Special guest Adam Pecht returns to Your Stupid Minds to cover another poorly thought out and shoddily made horror film: 1990’s Demon Wind!

Cory (Eric Larson) and his girlfriend Elaine (Francine Lapensée) visit the beautiful Napa Valley. The recent suicide of Cory's father compels him to visit his family’s old home. He assembles ten of his closest friends to help with the investigation, including Elaine’s jock ex-boyfriend Dell (T-Force’s Bobby Johnston), some nerd (Stephen Quadros), and a magician who is probably their drug dealer (Rufus Norris).

Despite the creepy gas station owner warning them, they go to the house and encounter a bunch of creepy stuff, such as a minotaur head, weird demon children who turn people into dolls, skeletons, flying knifes, a handwritten book with Latin phrases, and so on. Needless to say they all die and/or turn into Star Trek aliens. Spoiler alert.

Your Stupid Minds dips into a movie too tawdry for children and too stupid for adults: 1994’s Milk Money. A trio of 11-year-old boys saves up to purchase the services of a sex worker so they can see her naked (which is probably what they think sex is). When V (Melanie Griffith), a prostitute in the big city, agrees, circumstances bring her to their bucolic suburb where she lives in one of the boys’ treehouse and strikes up a romance with his widower father Tom (Ed Harris). There’s also something about stolen mob money, threatened wetlands, and a frilly leather jacket. Malcolm McDowell and Anne Heche are also in there somewhere.

In honor of the (now not so recently) late legend Rutger Hauer, Your Stupid Minds covers one of our favorite Hauer films. No, not Blade Runner. Come on. You know what kind of podcast this is. It’s 1989’s Blind Fury!

Nick Parker (Hauer) is an American solider in Vietnam blinded by Viet Cong shrapnel. He’s taken in by local villagers and taught the ways of the sword through elaborate bullying and pranks. Years later, he finds himself plopped into southern Florida as a friendly hobo. He goes to visit his old army buddy Frank (Terry O’Quinn), and instead finds his son Billy (Brandon Call) and soon-to-be-ex-wife Lynn (Meg Foster). The house is invaded by some goons and Nick must bring Billy back to his father and get to the bottom of this attack.

After a thorough and inefficient search of the Amazon Prime streaming options, Your Stupid Minds settles on the most ridiculously titled ‘90s direct-to-video release in its general eyeshot: 1996’s Kid Cop!

A kid cop (Jer Adrianne Lelliott) insists on being a kid cop after his adult cop dad is killed in the line of duty. His mother (Alexandra Paul) is concerned, but somewhat relieved that Kid Cop is guided by the man who did not prevent her husband’s death, his partner Frank (Edward Albert). Kid Cop finds a pattern in a series of burglaries around town, and eventually suspects a pair of newcomers to town: The ice cream truck owners Beverly and Stan (Cindy Pickett and John Rubinstein). He elicits the help of his new friend Lisa (Bethany Richards) and thwarts a heinous gold coin heist by these outsider monsters.

Your Stupid Minds reviews a classic of the gym-based ‘80s slasher genre, Killer Workout, also known as Aerobi-cide.

An up-and-coming model (Marcia Karr) is horrifically burned in a freak tanning bed fire. Two years (or is it five years?) later, her twin sister Rhonda (mentioned only in online synopses) opens up a gym where babes and hunks are murdered with a comically large novelty safety pin. A needlessly confrontational investigator, Lieutenant Morgan (David Campbell), is assigned the case. Another hunk, Chuck, (Ted Prior), is sent by the gym's senior partner to work at the gym, and also knows white guy karate.

Your Stupid Minds returns to sports television pioneer cum b-movie schlock director Andy Sidaris (Hard Ticket to Hawaii) with his 1989 beach babes spy caper Savage Beach.

Donna (Dona Speir) and Taryn (Hope Marie Carlson) return to the Sidaris-verse when, after a drug bust and a naked hot tub session, fly to a remote island to deliver medicine to orphans. During the mission, they encounter a storm and have to crash land on a different island, which ends up being the center of an intertwined narrative about recovering hidden World War II era gold while a bevy of other parties—ninjas, Filipino revolutionaries, and the U.S. government—attempt to do the same.

Superfan Leo requested one of those most notoriously bad movies in modern history: Rob Reiner's 1994 box office bomb North.

The titular 11-year-old wunderkind North (Elijah Wood) is tired of his parents' (played by Jason Alexander and Julia Louis-Dreyfus) bickering and self-centeredness, so he decides to become a "free agent" and shops around for new parents.

With his parents in a shock-induced double coma, North traipses the globe looking for a new family, which takes him to Texas, Hawaii, Alaska, and so on. A number of A-Listers and fun character actors appear, including Bruce Willis, Jon Lovitz, Alan Arkin, Dan Aykroyd, Reba McEntire, Kathy Bates, John Ritter, Abe Vigoda, Richard Belzer, Ben Stein, and a very young Scarlett Johansson in her very first role.

Have you ever wanted to see *NSYNC, Kenny Rogers, O-Town, Zachery Ty Bryan, LFO, Gilbert Gottfried, Dustin Diamond, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Paul Sorvino, Britney Spears, and Art Garfunkel all together on the big screen? No, you didn't. You really, really didn't. Because that’s what happened in 2001’s Lou Pearlman produced film Longshot, and it was awful.

Much like a Russian nesting doll, the film is a gigolo-based espionage thriller within a high school basketball redemption story within a story about O-Town watching the film just described. Producer and co-writer Tony DeCamillis stars as said gigolo Jack, who is forced by gangster Lazzlo Price (Sorvino) to seduce a rich widow for information about a recent merger.

Meanwhile, Jack’s nephew Alex (Joey Sculthorpe) misses a game-winning basketball shot, and slowly gains confidence over his tormentor Deke (Ty Bryan) by beating up a mugger (“The Rock” Johnson) in a poorly-lit New York alley. Cue numerous gratuitous and pointless cameos from Lou Pearlman’s various employees, friends, and well-wishers.

We are back…. now for Your Stupid Minds’s 150th episode! Since we’ve gotten into the habit of releasing episodes featuring Neil Breen movies at fifty episode intervals (see: Fateful Findings, Double Down), we had to wait until Nick’s $30 standard definition DVD copy of his latest film, Twisted Pair, arrived via USPS from the Breen’s Las Vegas estate.

Neil Breen plays twins Cade and Cale Altair, who were taken by aliens at birth and imbued with AI Intelligence superpowers that make them jump really high and unconvincingly. They are returned to earth to a secret agency in order to protect stock footage soldiers from gif explosions. While Cade excels, Cale flounders and grows a fake beard.

Since this is where the voice over ends in the film, the rest of the synopsis gets a little hazy. Cade stalks a college campus at night, while Cale kidnaps evil corporate greed corporate business men and tortures them. The twins each have girlfriends who look remarkably similar in sparse lighting. Also starring Astro-Eagle and Brad Stein as Dectective (sic).

Your Stupid Minds goes back to its roots (we always say that) to cover a movie that, as Mary Berry likes to say, ticks all the boxes. Roger Cormon, Jim Wynorski, ‘80s, swords and sandals, buff dudes, John Lazar… Deathstalker II has it all!

Deathstalker (John Terlesky) helps out a seer/princess Reena/Evie (Monique Gabrielle) regain her throne after the evil Jarek the Sorcerer (John Lazar) seizes the throne and clones an evil version of the princess to serve as his princess queen. Deathstalker is a swaggering mercenary who reluctantly goes on the mission, but stops a few times for side quests involving cemetery jewels. There are also amazons, nudity, wrestling, dwarves, bar fights, and a matter transmitting video phone bog.

Your Stupid Minds starts a new life... under the sea! Just in time for DC Comics' aquatic superhero movie, and (probably) two years before Disney makes an embarrassing remake of The Little Mermaid, it's the Walgreens genetic brand The Little Mermaid! Armando Gutierrez is a "banker, political consultant, and entrepreneur," who decided he should also become a movie producer after producing and appearing in Walt Before Mickey, a film version of a negative bio of Walt Disney. Armando teamed up with Blake Harris (writer, 12 Dates of Christmas), to make a public domain version of the Little Mermaid!

Near-fatal cat infections and paternity leave is over, so after a brief hiatus, we are back! Chris's recuperation involved a trip to scenic New England, where he saw an old building once owned by Benedict Arnold (great-grandfather of the guy you're thinking of). A Google Maps search revealed a strange museum dedicated to the building. Friend of the show Sarah Long (guest on American Strays, .com for Murder) mentioned that the owner of the museum produced a movie! So we watched it!

You, you are allowed, you are invited to check out our newest episode of Your Stupid Minds! After last episode's ghostly boat adventure, we head back to the open seas with 1988's Uninvited.

Wall Street wiz Walter Graham (Ted Kord, Archangel from Airwolf and one of the bad guys in Street Asylum) and his partner (George Kennedy) have a vague, illegal plan that the SEC is investigating, and the only thing they have to do to become ultra-rich is take Graham's yacht from Fort Lauderdale to the Cayman Islands. As a front, they pick up two spring break babes, and the trio of dudes the babes recruit to make sure they're never alone with gross old men.

Along with the ship's captain Rachel (Toni Hudson, Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III), the gang also decides to bring a cat: unfortunately, as a result of genetic experiments (?) a monster comes out of the cat and poisons people's blood when he bites them (???).

Join us as we discuss how this cat's demon powers work, guess at George Kennedy's shooting schedule, and more! Plus, Chris brings a new pet into his home. What could go wrong?

Your Stupid Minds is back with a very special guest, Vanessa of the Square Roots Classic RPG Podcast! She brought a Blu-ray from her collection with her, 2002's Ghost Ship!

Gabriel Byrne, Julianna Margulies, Isaiah Washington, a young Karl Urban, and two guys you don't know are back from a successful boat salvage when mysterious stranger Jack Ferriman (Desmond Harrington from Dexter) offers them an opportunity to salvage a boat in the Bering Sea.

The crew reluctantly take the opportunity to salvage a "ghost ship," but quickly run into spooky doings a transpiring when Margulies spies adorable child-ghost Katie (Emily Browning of Sucker Punch). Among a bunch of spooky red flags, Ferriman discovers a bunch of gold in storage. What a lucky coincidence that surely won't end in the death of most of the crew!

By popular demand, Your Stupid Minds finally does Brenda Starr, the troubled Golan-Globus based-on-a-comic-strip-no-one-read film shot in 1986, completed in 1989, and released in 1992 about a hotshot reporter.

Brenda Starr (Brooke Shields) is a star(r) reporter at the New York Flash. After getting the scoop on a German/Irish gangster Donovan O’Shea that results in her being hospitalized, her editor sends her on a mission to get the scoop on a rumored new water-based super fuel. She gets a tip from mysterious eye-patched beau Basil St. John (Timothy Dalton) and goes to Brazil by way of Puerto Rico.

Meanwhile, a number of people are on her tail, including Soviet spies, rival reporter Libby ‘Lips’ Lipscomb (Diana Scarwid), and her own cartoonist from the real world Mike (Tony Peck, son of Gregory). What results is some hijinks involving capoeira, an alligator with a cigar, and Jeffrey Tambor.

Your Stupid Minds reviews the movie that critics DON’T want you to see, the years-in-the-making pro mafia propaganda film starring a dimming Hollywood star: Gotti!

John Travolta assumes the titular role in some of the best wig work of his career. John Gotti is a low-level goon in the Gambino crime syndicate who gets the opportunity to move up the ranks through a targeted assassination. He kills the guy but completely borks the killing and goes to jail for the crime. He spends the rest of the movie in and out of prison, squinting and assuming a horrible accent, yelling at his kids, yelling at his underlings, telling horrible jokes, killing his boss in an unsanctioned hit, being the boss for a while, and dying in prison. The movie determines this man is a hero.

Also starring Travolta’s wife Kelly Preston as scenery-chewing Victoria Gotti, and Spencer Rocco Lofranco as John Gotti Jr., which the movie inexplicably becomes about after Gotti Sr.’s death. Since Gotti Jr. consulted heavily on the film, the entire experience reads like a love letter to poorly implemented and flamboyantly executed crime, without actually showing what the mob does to earn money. Directed by Kevin Connolly (E from Entourage) with a disjointed mix of voice over, flash back, and 30 second nonsense scenes that go nowhere.

Another early 90s moral decay police brutality movie with fascist overtones and mild sci-fi elements, it’s 1990’s Street Asylum, from director Gregory Dark, the man who brought you such classics as New Wave Hookers 4, Hootermania, Let Me Tell Ya ‘Bout White Chicks, and Mandy Moore’s “Walk Me Home” music video (she presumably wants to have you walk her home so she isn’t murdered by cops).

Arliss Ryder (Wings Hauser, again) is a good cop wanting to do better, so after getting shot in the lower back he joins the police S.Q.U.A.D. of psychotic aggressive cops who murder innocent people, created by mayoral candidate Jim Miller (played by Watergate break-in mastermind G. Gordon Liddy). When his maniac partners—including a giggling sexual predator known as “Joker” (Sy Richardson)—repeatedly murder innocent people and then commit suicide, Ryder begins to suspect something is up.

It turns out the cops have mind-controlling microchips implanted in their lower spines that make them have persistent ‘roid rage, and Ryder is determined to stop it at all costs, even if that cost is to dress his girlfriend up in bondage gear to seduce a mustachioed politician.

For no particular reason, here’s 2008’s Made of Honor, a romantic comedy starring Patrick Dempsey, Michelle Monaghan, and Kadeem “Dwayne Wayne” Hardison.

Tom (Dempsey) and Hannah (Monaghan) meet in college when Tom nearly sexually assaults Hannah in a hilarious mistaken identity late 90s Halloween Bill Clinton related dorm prank. They exchange witty Hepburn/Tracy like banter and become best of friends. Ten years later, in the common day of pre-recession flip phone 2008, she’s a curator at the Met and he invented those coffee cup caddies and does nothing. She goes away to Scotland for work, and in that time falls in love with Scottish Duke Colin (Kevin McKidd), and Tom realizes he’s in love with her. She asks him to be her maid (made?) of honor. Hijinks ensue. Colin has a huge penis.

Your Stupid Minds delves into the depths of Amazon Prime to find a scratchy VHS transfer television edit (for a channel that doesn’t exist) of 1991’s Blood Money (a.k.a. The Killer’s Edge). Starring Wings Hauser (father of Cole), Academy Award nominee Karen Black (Five Easy Pieces, Nashville), and catcher’s mitt face himself, the late Robert Z’Dar (Maniac Cop 2, Soultaker).

Jack (Hauser) is a homicidal alcoholic with crippling PTSD, but he’s a cop so he’s the good guy. Miller (Z’Dar) is a wannabe mob boss who raids a counterfeit operation to nab millions in fake bills. Jack and his line-flubbing partner Burt (Joe Palese) must track down the perpetrators. It turns out Jack and Miller are old army buddies from ‘nam. Can Jack catch him in time? Will he get over his overwhelming toxic masculinity, alcoholism, violent tendencies, probable body odor, and general insecurity? Was that siren in the soundtrack for a reason, or did they just film on the street?

Well after its Easter weekend release, Your Stupid Minds reviews the third and latest (final?) film in the God’s Not Dead franchise: God’s Not Dead: A Light in Darkness.

Pastor Dave (David A.R. White) is released from prison after the last film’s pointless cliffhanger. The movie continues on a different path toward proving the existence of God: A struggle with a rural college over the presence of his church on campus. People are upset, for some reason, that they just discovered a church has been there for 150 years, and decide to protest vociferously. When a vandal accidentally blows up the church and kills Dave’s co-pastor and BFF Pastor Jude (Benjamin A. Onyango), the college uses this opportunity (?) to shut it down. Dave engages in an eternal struggle for survival, with his secular social justice lawyer brother Pearce (John Corbett) at the front line. “Featuring” “special” “guest” comedian Ricky Gervais.

Your Stupid Minds once again takes on a Cannon Picture (and separately, a movie somewhat focused on submission/domination) with 1987’s Gor, based on the fetishist fantasy science fiction books by John Norman.

Cabot (Urbano Barberini) is a college professor whose lectures focus on magic rings that transport people to Counter-Earth, a planet that lies on the opposite side of Earth’s orbit and perpetually masked by the sun. After his girlfriend breaks up with him, Cabot gets into a car accident and is transported to Counter-Earth, also known as Gor. It is a savage land of prehistoric people with primitive weapons, dirty/sexy loin cloths, and slave women. Cabot must find the Home Stone (that looks like a giant Pop Rock) in order to get back to earth. Also a dwarf is there.

Your Stupid Minds “celebrates” to release of Eli Roth’s Death Wish with a review of... not a Death Wish movie. Rather, prime yourself with our Death Wish 3 review and dig in to a non-Cannon Charles Bronson classic: The Evil That Men Do.

Based on a not-so-good R. Lance Hill novel of the same name, Clement Molloch (Joseph Maher) is a war criminal and torture expert known as “The Doctor.” He contracts out himself to brutal dictatorships and enacts creative and gruesome ways to murder people. When he kills dissident journalist Jorge Hidalgo (Jorge Humberto Robles), ex-CIA assassin Holland (Charles Bronson) takes the case of revenge.

A mere eleven months after our previous descent into erotic millionaires gallivant-ing around, we're back to the grindstone with our review of Fifty Shades Freed! Now that Ana has married hunky but troubled Christian, they're just gonna bone all day every day in their sex dungeon forever with no repercussions, right? But other handsome people have their own ideas! Smallville-alum Eric Johnson (Lana's meathead boyfriend) wants revenge on Christian and Ana! Because they ruined his career after he attempted sexual assault? No, a much dumber reason!

Join us as we get progressively madder at action-interrupting ski lodge visits, wonder at the very obvious storylines for G-list characters cut down to single lines, and struggle to keep track of who is who in a movie composed entirely of blandly attractive people with no interesting traits.

Your Stupid Minds finishes out its stunt casting double feature with the 1996 direct-to-video movie Breakaway, “starring” shamed figure skating star Tonya Harding. The sassy quotation marks are because she’s barely in the movie and her character serves almost no purpose.

Myra (Teri Fruichantie) is a mob courier who goes out on her last job. Her boss doesn’t like that very much and instructs his nephew Nicky (Michael Garganese) to kill her. She escapes, along with the $300,000 she retrieved, and pretends to be on a blind date with anthropology professor Dan (Tony Noakes) for no reason at all in order to escape. To finish the job, the mob boss hires a second hitman Grey (Joe Estevez) and everything goes wrong at once. There are also mobsters playing basketball in suits. And Tonya Harding kicks some guys.

Your Stupid Minds presents a ‘90s stuntcasting double feature this month, starting with Skyscraper, which is Die Hard plus boobs plus helicopter and starring Anna Nicole Smith. Carrie Wisk (Smith) is a helicopter pilot for Helescort (which sounds like a prostitute delivery service) and married to LAPD cop Gordon (Richard Steinmetz). When she delivers some evil dudes to a downtown high rise, she arrives in the middle of a deadly game of cat and mouse. They try to recover the last piece of a superweapon microchip, while she struggles to stay alive. There are also 2.5 sex scenes in this movie.

Your Stupid Minds finishes out its series and the year with ABC Family’s 12 Dates of Christmas starring Amy Smart and Mark-Paul Gosselaar. Kate (Smart) is a single thirtysomething jerk who is trying to get back together with her ex-boyfriend during the holidays. While shopping for an expensive present for him, she is spritzed in the face with perfume by a careless clerk and knocked unconscious. She wakes up and goes on with her day, only to relive Christmas Eve over and over in a fashion that in no way resembles another famous movie where a jerk relives the same holiday over and over. Can she get back with her ex? Or will she find true love with her hunky widower park designer/youth orphan hockey coach blind date Miles (Gosselaar)? We think you already know the answer.

Special guests Valeah Beckwith and Danielle Nasr return to the podcast as we continue our Hallmark/Lifetime Christmas Movie series with the Lifetime/Netflix film The Spirit of Christmas. Kate (Kati Salowsky) is a high-powered big city workaholic lawyer from Boston who has no interest finding true love. Her goateed boss instructs her to go to a cozy rural bed and breakfast in order to appraise it for sale. The property has problems selling because it’s haunted by a hunky ghost murdered 95 years ago. The ghost Daniel (Thomas Beaudoin) takes corporeal form for the twelve days leading up to Christmas in order to solve his own murder. But when he begins to fall for Kate, things begin to change.

It's the Holiday season, so Chris and Nick get into the spirit by crossing into the unexplored frontier that is... Hallmark Christmas movies! That's right, a series of Christmas-time reviews from people who are absolutely not the demographic for them!

We begin with 2004's A Boyfriend for Christmas, where Holly (Kelli Williams of The Practice) makes the titular Christmas wish as a child to a creepy Santa (Charles Durning, frequent Santa). A mere 20 years later, Holly meets Ryan (Patrick Muldoon of Starship Troopers), a rich hotshot lawyer who lies about his identity and participates in Santa's twisted love scheme. Will Santa's Christmas prophecy come true? Will Holly wind up Ryan, or her sniveling evil ex-boyfriend (who is even richer than Ryan)?

Your Stupid Minds finishes off the Lesser Baldwin series with the 1994’s Showtime original high concept sci-fi porno Dead Weekend starring Stephen Baldwin.

During a fake earthquake evacuation in a dystopian LA-like city, Weed (Baldwin) and Payne (David Rasche) are officers in the paramilitary police force assigned to catch a rogue alien while also murdering as many gang members as possible. Weed uses this opportunity to have sex with a strange woman in the woods, who, guess what, turns out the be the alien. Not just an alien, but a shapeshifting super sexy nymphomaniac alien who requires sex to survive. Also annoying radio DJ Joe Blow (Tom Kenny) screams awful voices into his microphone the entire time.

Your Stupid Minds continues its Lesser Baldwin series with 1999’s forgettable and nearly unacquirable Desert Thunder. Directed by Jim Wynorski (Vampirella, Chopping Mall) and starring Daniel Baldwin, Desert Thunder is about a fictitious late ‘90s operation to bomb an Iraqi anthrax facility before Saddam can attack a major European city. Though the stakes are high, the film is mostly about Baldwin recruiting a team of misfits to fly F-14s in an abandoned Boy Scout summer camp in the San Bernardino Valley. At first they don’t get along, but after beating up rednecks at a nearby bar, they learn to work together.

Your Stupid Minds moves into our Lesser Baldwins series with the reasonably forgettable Fair Game. Based off the same crappy book as Cobra, Kate McQueen (Cindy Crawford) is a high-powered female Miami lawyer who’s shot at while jogging. She gives her statement to the swaggering and inexplicably Italian-American Det. Max Kirkpatrick (Billy Baldwin), which then sets off a series of elaborate tech-inspired terrorist assassination attempts on Kate’s life. Max must help her survive and find out who is doing this and why. Also Salma Hayek is there.

Your Stupid Minds finishes out the Cynthia Rothrock series with one of her most beloved films: China O’Brien! No, it isn’t the story an Asian Irish fusion restaurant with sesame fish and chips and black and white rice pudding. It’s a kick-ass karate film in the style of Road House and Walking Tall.

After city police officer China (Rothrock) is not punished for committing a justifiable homicide in self defense after an alley karate fight, she returns to her unnamed home town to pick up her decade-old high school relationship with Matt (Richard Norton) and visit her family. Her father is the town sheriff battling systemic corruption, prostitution, and crime. After he dies in a fiery car bomb explosion, China runs for sheriff and roundhouse kicks the corruption out of town.

Your Stupid Minds continues its ad hoc Cynthia Rothrock series with 2014’s Mercenaries in which she barely appears! A team of four incarcerated women (Zoë Bell, Kristanna Loken, Vivica A. Fox and Nicole Bilderback) are forced to save the president’s daughter from a crazed female terrorist (Brigitte Nielsen) an an Expendables-style mission at the behest of CIA agent Mona (Cynthia Rothrock). They travel to some middle Asian country (that looks nothing like Southern California) and ingratiate themselves using their feminine wiles in order to kick butt and save the day.

Your Stupid Minds returns to one of its most-frequently used tags: martial arts! Join us, gentle listener, won't you (© Karina Longworth), as we travel to the world that was Hong Kong cinema in the 1980's, as brought to us by director Corey Yuen (DOA: Dead or Alive, this amazing JCVD Russian kickboxer fight, The Transporter), featuring our first but not last film featuring Cynthia Rothrock.

Trigger Warning: Even though no children should ever listen to this podcast, there is a sequence where we talk at length and repeatedly about the 100% irrefutable fact that Santa Claus is not real. If you are an irresponsible parent whose children can listen to profanity-laced podcasts yet still hold onto the worldwide delusion as to the existence of a fat man who breaks into your house and gives you presents, you have been warned.

Your Stupid Minds covers the third and therefore best entry in the Look Who’s Talking franchise, Look Who’s Talking Now! Released and taking place three years since the last movie, James (John Travolta) and Mollie Ubriacco (Kirstie Alley) return to their iconic roles. This time Mikey (David Gallagher, a.k.a Simon From 7th Heaven) and Julie (Tabitha Lupien) are older and have their own voices, but guess who can talk? The dogs! And no other kinds of animals! Danny Devito and Diane Keaton come on as Rocks the mutt and Daphne the prissy poodle, respectively.

With Mollie recently out of a job and James getting a new high-flying gig with a sexy female boss (Lysette Anthony), will their marriage hold together? Considering James shows absolutely no interest in this wealthy British adulteress, yes! But also they get two new dogs and they can talk (to each other) and boy do they not get along until later when they do! Also a little girl schools Charles Barkley on the bball court during a dream sequence. Believe it or not this movie did not make much money.

This time around Your Stupid Minds delves into the scary alternate universe science fiction dystopia in Pure Flix’s God’s Not Dead 2. Producer and “Pastor Dave” David A.R. White returns with an all-star cast that dwarfs the middling 90s television actors of the first film (Dean Cain, Kevin Sorbo), with some people who can actually act. Grace Wesley (Melissa Joan Hart) is a saintly Christian high school history teacher who gets into hot water for answering a direct question about Jesus in her AP U.S. History class. Evil atheist ACLU lawyer Peter Kane (Ray Wise) descends on the small Arkansas town to prove once and for all that God is dead (by proving the existence of the Establishment Clause). Can the Crusaders for good defend this attack on religion? Is Pat Boone Melissa Joan Hart’s dad or husband? Did any of the filmmakers actually talk to a lawyer before writing this? Will any more minorities be slapped in the face by overbearing anti-Christian fathers in God’s Not Dead 3? Only time will tell.

Bad movie expert Nathan Smith returns to the podcast with another Uwe Boll masterpiece, his sophomore entry into his mid 2000s video game trilogy (I know he’s done more but House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark, and BloodRayne are the gold standard) Alone in the Dark!

Based on a computer game no one’s played, this one features Christian Slater as a globetrotting paranormal investigator, Tara Reid as an archeologist and expert in fictional ancient languages, and Stephen Dorff as the head of Bureau 713, a secret government organization that seeks to protect the world from paranormal dangers. An evil old man tries to unlock monsters from the legend of the ancient Mayan-like civilization the Abkani, and it’s up to the team to stop him. Or open it before him? It isn’t entirely clear.

The Barbarian Twins Peter and Paul David (from The Barbarians) return to the podcast. Instead of a Conan the Barbarian ripoff that showcases the fact they’re two buff twins, they’re now in a buddy cop comedy that showcases the fact they’re two buff twins. Peter Jade (Peter Paul) and David Jade (David Paul) are two buff twins whose life paths have diverged. David is a cop in an LA Raiders children’s sweatshirt and mom jeans, while Peter is a slick suit-wearing cat burglar. Despite their estrangement, they apparently still coordinate on workout regimens and mullet hairstyles, but that’s another story. When Peter steals diamonds and a secret key code for a diamond vault, all-around bad guy Philip Chamberlain (Roddy McDowell) is out for blood. To solve the case, the two brothers must team up and stop the heist before it comes to fruition. Also David Carradine is in one scene.

Your Stupid Minds delves into well-trodden bad movie territory with the notoriously terrible animated Italian film Titanic: The Legend Goes On. We may not have the annoying falsetto screech of The Nostalgia Critic, or the deep-seated racism of JonTron, but we do have notable animal lover and Chris’s sister Sarah Dobson back on the podcast.

Angelica (Lisa Russo) is a lowly beautiful servant who looks strikingly like Anastasia. She meets the rich and handsome William (Mark Thompson-Ashworth) who gropes her laundry and they fall in love. meanwhile, a menagerie of obnoxious talking animals, including a rapping dog, a noble French mouse who looks like Fievel, and a trio of horrible Mexican mice stereotypes, sing tonally inappropriate songs about partying and dancing. Then the boat sinks and almost no one dies, thus tarnishing the legacy of the 1,500 actual people who perished in this real life tragedy.

In honor of the probably mediocre renter Ghost in the Shell coming to theaters, Your Stupid Minds reviewed something that kinda sounds like it: 1993’s Ghost in the Machine, starring Karen Allen (Raiders of the Lost Ark, The Sandlot), Chris Mulkey (Twin Peaks), and Jessica Walter (Dr. Strange, Arrested Development).

The Address Book Killer (Ted Marcoux) is a local weirdo who works in a computer store. After acquiring Terry Munroe’s (Allen) partially digitized address book, he drives off into a torrential thunderstorm to murder her and her friends. He gets into a car accident and a power surge while inside an MRI machine scans his entire body and consciousness into the internet so he can continue his murderous rampage as a ghost in the machine (literally!).

Meanwhile Bram Walker (Mulkey) is a down and out super hacker who helps Terry and her wiener son catch the killer. Featuring some wonderfully gruesome deaths involving a microwave, pool cover, and dishwasher.

Your Stupid Minds tries a semi-new release before the other big name bad movie podcasts can take a crack at it: Fifty Shades Darker! Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) and Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) return per contractual obligation for this needless sequel to the passable first film Fifty Shades of Grey.

Ana and Christian are broken up. And when you break up with someone, it’s important to just move on. Just kidding! You should buy several photographs of her at a public gallery, follow her around and maintain a dossier with her picture and measurements. Luckily this works (when you’re a billionaire), so the lovers reconcile and proceed with progressively kinkier “vanilla” sex.

Unfortunately their disgusting love is tainted by pockets of tension which quickly dissipate, such as a rapist boss with the on-the-nose villain name of Jack Hyde (Eric Johnson), crazy ex-lover Leila (Bella Heathcote), older abuser Elena (Kim Basinger), and third act helicopter malfunction. The movie is mostly Batman Returns at this point, except with Christian being much more manipulative and aloof than Bruce Wayne.

Your Stupid Minds is staying political with 1996’s First Kid? Haven’t you wanted to see what would happen if a snot-nosed child of the President of the United States teamed up with Sinbad? Your wish has come true!

Luke Davenport (Brock Pierce) is the teenaged son of the president. He doesn’t get along with his current Secret Service agent, so Sam Simms (Sinbad) is assigned to his detail. He sneaks him out of the White House, teaches him how to fight against prep school bully Rob (Zachery Ty Bryan), and gives him the moves to get the girl.

Your Stupid Minds brings you a chilling tale of things to come (or are) with 1996's Barb Wire. See if any of this sounds familiar to you. It's during the second civil war. Martial Law. Congressional Directorate. Old democracy overthrown. Sounds familiar. What year does this take place? 

2017??? THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT! Barb Wire pinpointed where we were going with shocking accuracy.

In any case, it's a sexy comic book adaptation with Pamela Anderson (Barb Wire). Udo Kier is also there. It's a shoddy dystopian remake of Casablanca. It's based on a Dark Horse comic book. Enjoy!

Your Stupid Minds finishes out the Neil Breen oeuvre with 2015/2016’s Pass Thru, brought to you by a purchased $30 standard def DVD from the Breenster himself!

Falling into Breen’s “foreign being committing mass murder for the sake of humanity” genre, Pass Thru is about a time-traveling alien named “Tghil” (named after a yogurt container) who embodies the corporeal form of a heroin-addicted loser to bring benevolent genocide to the world. He befriends a multicultural aunt/niece combo to take on the corrupt politicians, hypocritical media, and greedy CEOs while a group of tenacious young astronomers try to seek him out.

Merry Christmas from Your Stupid Minds! We celebrate the holiday with a middling shelved Hungarian/UK adaptation of Tchaikovsky’s classic, with 2010’s The Nutcracker in 3D! Starring a young Elle Fanning as Mary, John Turturro as The Rat King, and Nathan Lane as Uncle Albert Einstein (yes this actually happened in the movie).

When Uncle Albert brings over a Nutcracker and dollhouse for his niece Mary and hellish toy-destroying Nephew Max (Aaron Michael Drozin), the Nutcracker comes to life, along with the dolls inside the house! Mary travels to a dream world full of Nazi-horrors, as the fascist Rat King has taken over the Nutcracker’s kingdom and genocided all the toys. It’s up to Mary, the Nutcracker, a harlequin clown, a chimp man, and a Rastafarian drummer boy to save the day. Also Sigmund Freud is briefly in the movie.

Your Stupid Minds takes a detour off the well-traveled roads of bad movies to seek out William McGaha, a writer, director, producer, and star of three very cheap films in the 1960s and 70s. Fresh off Nudie-Cutie Bad Girls for the Boys and Stock-car racing+gangsters project The Speed Lovers, McGaha's third and final passion project is J.C., a 1972 biker movie about a religious fanatic and Jesus-allegory biker who basically just mooches off everyone.

After construction worker J.C. and his cohort are yelled at for smoking during a lunch break, J.C. quits and gets high in his tighty-whities while his former social worker girlfriend runs errands and is a functional adult. J.C. has a vision of a big eye or something and that night at a campfire rouses his biker pals to drive cross-country to his hometown for.... reasons. The bikers immediately upset the local populace, not (only) because they are rude and smell bad, but because they have brought their black friends. Will J.C. and his crew run afoul of Sheriff Caldwell (Slim Pickens, somehow in this movie)? ....Yes.

Your Stupid Minds goes back to its roots (once again) with the first foray into Hollywood(ish) by former football washout Brian “The Boz” Bosworth: 1991’s Stone Cold! The Boz plays undercover cop Joe Huff (under the alter ego John Stone) to infiltrate a murderous, terroristic biker group led by Chains Cooper (Lance Henriksen).

After some mild blackmail from the FBI, Huff/Stone goes undercover to bring a violent Mississippi biker gang down. After feeding his pet lizard (maybe a Komodo Dragon?), he heads off to The South’s Warmest Welcome to meet Chains, second-in-command Ice (William Forsythe), old lady Nancy (Arabella Holzbog), and token wuss Gut (Evan James) to bring down their drug dealing and general violence. Stone gets in deep when he gets feelings for Nancy, and makes up some elaborate drug buy with a limitless supply of FBI drugs.

Can Stone bring the gang down before their terroristic plans from to fruition? Will he get home in time to feed his lizard? Will Gut get the confidence he so sorely needs? Listen to find out!

Your Stupid Minds returns to its Episode One roots and tricks you once again into think we’ve reviewed a Marvel movie that hasn’t come out yet. But alas, this isn’t the Benestrange Cumberdoc version you’re thinking, but rather a 1978 made for TV movie extended pilot made for CBS (and was never picked up).

The Nameless One, a demon puppet from the nether region, commands his subject Morgan LeFay (played by Arrested Development’s Jessica Walter) to kill the wizard Lindmer (John Mills) and/or his more powerful successor Dr. Strange (Peter Hooten). Fortunately for her, Strange doesn’t know the depths of his mystical powers, and spends his time picking up mentally unstable woman as a psychologist at a New York hospital. Despite the three day countdown to sudden death, Lindmer and his assistant Wong (Clyde Kusatsu) take their sweet time recruiting Strange.

Will Dr. Strange discover his special powers? Will he pick up a troubled psychology student half his age (Anne-Marie Martin)? Could 2016’s Doctor Strange possibly live up to this masterpiece? There’s only one way to find out!

Your Stupid Minds delves into October with what you might expect: a 1980s horror sequel! Tom Skerritt (Picket Fences), Nancy Allen (RoboCop), Heather O’Rourke (Poltergeist), and Lara Flynn Boyle (Twin Peaks) star in this far-beyond-its-prime sequel, Poltergeist III!

Carol Anne (O’Rourke) from the previous Poltergeist movies now lives with her aunt (Allen) and step-uncle (Skerritt) in a high-rise building in Chicago. She attends a school for weirdoes because of her previous ghost experiences, and after her cousin Donna’s (Boyle) night of teenage debauchery, she’s kidnapped by ghosts. Her aunt and uncle try desperately to rescue her with the help from Tangina (Zelda Rubinstein, returning from the first movie) and the film jumps haphazardly from mirror-induced jump scare to jump scare.

Your Stupid Minds returns to two of its most favorite loves: buff dudes and Golan-Globus films. It’s 1983’s Hercules starring The Incredible Hulk’s Lou Ferrigno! Director Luigi Cozzi (hiding his intense Italianness behind the pseudonym Lewis Coates) brings Hercules to the big screen for the 80th and definitely not last time.

When the gods are hanging out on the moon and incredibly bored, Zeus (Claudio Cassinelli) decides to give a random baby super buff powers. Hera (Rossana Podestà) takes exception but Zeus never listens to her so who cares? Hercules’s parents are killed in a successful coup, but baby Herc escapes and is raised by a nice infertile farming couple.

Tragedy causes him to travel to Thebes to fight against other buff dudes, and he must team up with Circe (Mirella D’Angelo) in order to rescue his true love Cassiopeia (Ingrid Anderson) and battle against the evil King Minos (William Berger) and Adriana (Sybil Danning). That’s a lot of names so let’s just leave it at that.

YSM returns to the erotic thriller genre with the 2015 classic The Boy Next Door! Claire Peterson (Jennifer Lopez, in her third appearance on the podcast), is a pathetic high school classics teacher with a broken garage door and a cheating ex-husband when a buff-armed 28-year-old "boy" Noah (Ryan Guzman, apparently playing a 19-year-old) moves in next door. The two bond over their mutual love of the Iliad and he fixes both her car and garage door. They then engage in a night of "passion" after Noah refuses to take no for an answer. Then Noah is revealed to be a sociopath who is willing to murder Claire's ex-husband (John Corbett) and mid-level high school administrators (Kristin Chenoweth) if it means "winning" Claire back.

Your Stupid Minds goes back to basics with your standard sci-fi sexy police robot thriller. It’s 1994’s T-Force starring Jack Scalia, Erin Gray, and Vernon Wells. This is brought to you partially by Cinema Terriblé, Austin Texas’s premier bad movie meet up. T-Force was part of a recent double feature at the monthly get together and was a smash hit.

T-Force, a team of autonomous robots called “Cybernauts,” is brought in to break up a Die Hard style hostage situation. The team is made up of leader Adam (Evan Lurie), Captain America type Cain (Bobby Johnston), lady robot Mandragora (Jennifer MacDonald), American Gladiator Zeus (Deron McBee), and another one who dies.

Adam callously murders numerous hostages in the process and Mayor Pendleton (Gray) orders the team deactivated. This results in T-Force’s murderous killing spree in the name of self preservation. Cain doesn’t go along with Adam’s dastardly plan and teams up with Lt. Jack Floyd (Scalia) to stop them.

It’s a special guest episode of Your Stupid Minds featuring Kaitlyn “Nick’s Sister” Nobel, a devoted fan of the podcast and resident Toyota Previa expert. Kaitlyn’s pick this time around is for a 1996 movie starring Tom Arnold, David Paymer, and Rhea Perlman: Carpool! Out a few years after Tom Arnold’s massive alimony payout from Rosanne, as well as his modicum of success in True Lies, Arnold decided to squander his career by starring in a bunch of crappy movies.

Daniel Miller (Paymer) has a big advertising presentation, but his wife is sick! This means he must take charge of the carpool and get his wiener kids (as well as some other neighbor wiener kids, including an extremely young, bronzed Rachael Leigh Cook) to school. Things take a turn for the worst when he’s kidnapped by bumbling robber Franklin (Arnold) on the run from an army of incompetent law enforcement agents. Their journey takes them to a hair salon, parking garage, and inside a local mall! Can Detective Erdman (Kim Coates) and meter maid Martha (Perlman) stop the robber in time? Can we somehow get Tom Arnold in drag? Will the kids visit a creepy Joker-like indoor carnival? Listen to find out!

This is it, the big finale of our "great directors making horrible films" summer concludes with Walter Hill (credited as Thomas Lee)'s Supernova! Nick Vanzant (James Spader) is a newcomer to the crew of the Nightingale 229, a medical ship populated by actors on their way to television superstardom (in a decade). Nick and Dr. Evers (Angela Bassett) hate each other but then love each other, but a rescue mission turns into a total rip-off of It! the Terror From Beyond Space, when they save Troy, the son of Angela Bassett's old no-goodnik flame Karl (Peter Facinelli). "Troy" turns out to be a web of smug lies smuggling proof of alien life, a Georgia O'Keeffe-like contraption that seems to have strange side effects like increasing T-count and turning people evil, on board the Nightingale. Will sexy James Spader and Angela Bassett be able to jettison the space-scum before it's too late?

Your Stupid Minds continues its "great directors making terrible films" series with Richard Donner and Richard Pryor's unfortunate The Toy! Down on his luck Jack Brown (Pryor) is a reporter who can't get hired by the one newspaper in town because it's owned by a racist multi-millionaire (Jackie Gleason). After getting fired by Gleason after attempting to work as a "cleaning lady," Pryor does a physical comedy routine while listening to headphones, only to be inadvertently "purchased" by Eric "Master" Bates, Gleason's bratty son. What follows is a series of loosely connected vignettes tied together by Pryor alternately humiliating himself and getting upset at being humiliated by others like some sort of live-action Daffy Duck.

Continuing our loose theme of Not-So-Good Movies by Great Directors, we have 1981’s sequel to the Roger Corman classic Piranha. It’s Piranha Part Two: The Spawning! Or Piranha II: The Spawning. Or The Spawning. Or Piranha 2. Or Piranha II: Flying Killers. “Directed” by James Cameron! In actuality, Cameron was brought in as a patsy and quickly fired so writer and producer Ovidio G. Assonitis could finish the project himself.

Anne Kimbrough (Tricia O’Neil) is a scuba instructor and marine biologist drop-out who teaches tourists how to deep dive at Hotel Elysium, a resort on an unnamed Caribbean island that is, for all intents and purposes, Jamaica. Her estranged husband Steve (Aliens’s Lance Henricksen) is on her case about all sorts of things, particularly the mangled corpse of a tourist found during one of her classes. Her breaking into the morgue to examine the body with new beau Tyler (Steve Marachuk) doesn’t help things either. The culprit is a school of homicidal genetically spliced flying piranhas, and everyone must find a way to stop them before the titular “spawning,” and event in which tourists get drunk and beat mating grunion to death on the beach.

You demanded it and we delivered! Actually, no one requested this movie, and we may catch some flak for reviewing it. Francis Ford Coppola slums it in the cash grab maudlin 90s with 1996’s Jack! Robin Williams (also slumming it) plays Jack, a ten year old boy with a fictional medical condition that causes him to age at four times the normal rate. This gives Williams ample opportunity to utilize his deadpan imitation of a five year old boy. But just in case you thought this movie was funny, it frequently vacillates from goofy romp to melancholy reflection on mortality more quickly than an episode of M*A*S*H. Also starring Jennifer Lopez, Bill Cosby, Diane Lane, and Fran Drescher.

Your Stupid Minds finally covers one of the A-listers in the schlock movie pantheon: Andy Sidaris’s Hard Ticket to Hawaii. Sidaris was a sports director who decided to jump over to 1980s sexploitation flicks. With muse and former Playmate of the Month Dona Speir, he went on a quest to create the most bonkers action films of the decade.

Donna (Spier) and Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton) are buxom drug agents who stumble on an RC helicopter-based diamond smuggling drug ring. They elicit the help of boyfriend agent Rowdy (Ronn Moss) and Jade (South Florida kickboxing superstar Harold Diamond) to rescue their friend and blow up as many things as possible. There’s also a contaminated killer snake, several deaths by Bazooka, a zany handstand skateboarding assassin, and a spiked death frisbee.

It's Your Stupid Minds' Bonus 100th Episode Clip Spectacular! Featuring some of our (and your) favorite moments from the last 100 episodes. Don't expect a breakdown of each clip because we don't want to right now! We hope you enjoy this compilation of what we think our our best bits, skits, discussions, and songs from the last four years. See you at again after episode 200!

Your Stupid Minds celebrates its 100th episode by filling out Neil Breen’s current oeuvre. Before the imminent wide release of his most recent film Pass Thru (which we wanted to watch but is not reasonably available in the state of Texas), we reviewed Neil’s first feature film, 2005’s Double Down!

Neil Breen is war hero and elite hacker terrorist inventor Aaron Brand (who will forever be referred to as Neil Breen). Breen is a mercenary working for American and foreign government agents on counterterrorism while also being a terrorist himself! His change of heart comes after his bride to be Megan (Laura Hale) is accidentally murdered during the couple’s nude pool engagement.

Breen goes further off the deep end (pool humor) and creates a freelance mercenary business out of his late 80s Mercedes; inventing an invisibility cloak and hacking murder shield to help it along. While working for all governments and terrorism sects, he also has terroristic traps set up all around the world (but primarily in Breen’s director’s trademark city of Las Vegas).

Will he have a change of heart? Will he avenge Megan with his insane crimes against humanity? Will he save some little girl who has brain cancer? Will his dead parents explain what heaven is like? Did Neil Breen acquire his early 90s stock footage from a Harrah’s dumpster? Find out in this special episode!

Fans of truly execrable cinema are in for a treat as we review 1984's Bolero. Can the film that gave MGM an excuse to end its shameful partnership with the Cannon Group/Golan-Globus be that bad? What if I told you it also won the Razzie award for Worst Picture, Worst Actress (beating out Faye Dunaway in Supergirl!), Worst Director, Worst Screenplay, and Worst New Star? For once, everything you've heard turns out to be true! This film is indefensibly, inexplicably bad!

Joan Severance lays out some vigilante justice in the Roger Corman produced comic book inspired Showtime original movie Black Scorpion! The movie also resulted in a sequel and Sci-Fi Channel original series.

Darcy Walker (Severance) is a girl raised by her murderous cop father Lt. Stan Walker (Rick Rossovich) with a scorpion infatuation. Stan stops methed out maniac at a hospital by gunning him down with a doctor between him and is kicked off the force. Darcy enters the force decades later and goes undercover as a prostitute to bring down a mass murderer. Her plans are put on hold when her father is gunned down in a bar, and she transforms into the Black Scorpion to lay down the law with her taser boots, taser scorpion ring, and whip.

Note: This episode is a rebroadcast from April 3, 2014 to gear up for our 100th episode spectacular.

Your Stupid Minds celebrates its FIFTIETH episode. In keeping with our status as a cutting edge resource for all things camp, cult, genre, b, and otherwise considered bad movies, we went on a special podcast field trip to the Alamo Drafthouse for a special midnight screening of the newest entry into the bad movie canon: Fateful Findings! Las Vegas filmmaker Neil Breen brings us his supernatural hacker romance thriller. The protagonist (played by, who else, Neil Breen) gets into a car accident and unlocks supernatural hacking powers, which he uses to hack the most secret government and corporate secrets. This doesn’t sit well with his pill popping wife Emily, who slurs her displeasure in a heavy polish accent. Fateful Findings definitely resides on the Bad Movie Mount Rushmore, with Neil Breen’s face alongside Ed Wood, Tommy Wiseau, and James Nguyen.

Your Stupid Minds finally makes its Hammer podcast debut with a film that strays a bit from the usual Hammer formula. We don't see a traditional horror monster, and Christopher Lee is cast as the hero. A creepy, occult-obsessed Dracula-looking hero, but a hero nonetheless.

When Nicholas, Duc de Richleau, (Lee) and his friend Rex Van Ryn (Leon Greene) visit their friend's son Simon (Patrick Mower, looking a lot like Topher Grace), Nicholas recognizes a five pointed, goat-faced floor installation and suspicious rooster to be signs that their young friend has fallen in with Satanists, even as Rex flirts with Tanith (Nike Arrighi), a young ingenue. When Nicholas and Rex disrupt a Satanist gathering led by the evil Mocata (Charles Gray), rescuing Simon and kidnapping Tanith, it escalates the conflict into a full-on Satanist vs. good Christian battle of wills. More people are involved, seances are conducted, and crucifixes are thrown at puppets. It's all great fun!

Travel with Your Stupid Minds back to the swinging 60s and their idea of a dystopian future in: The 10th Victim! In the future, war has been eliminated by the creation of a game show/Hunger Games-type scenario. All violent people are recruited into playing "The Great Hunt," a contest where an individual is designated either hunter or victim. If they can successfully kill their opponents ten times, they are rewarded with ONE. MILLION. DOLLARS.

After Caroline (Ursula Andress) erotically defeats her hunter via gun-bra, her next assignment: acting as hunter against the taciturn Italian Marcello (frequent Fellini collaborator Marcello Mastroianni). Can she seduce him into being murdered, or worse, falling in love?

Your Stupid Minds returns to its roots with a vigilante revenge movie: 1989's Ghetto Blaster! But don't be fooled by the title. Yes, it does feature an exploding boombox, but it's also a double entendre about a white guy murdering people of color!

Richard Hatch (both Battlestar Galacticas) stars as Travis, a good honest dude just like you and me who returns to the neighborhood where he grew up to discover it's overrun by gang activity! The Hammers have taken over, and use their power to murder innocent people, rape women, and steal boomboxes from unsuspecting children. After his father and new friend are murdered, Travis takes the law into his own hands. Using childish pranks and elaborate clown-based drug heists, Travis hits the gang where it hurts until his daughter his kidnapped and he just decides to murder everyone.

Despite our protestations in the last episode, Your Stupid Minds has, by somewhat coincidence, decided to make January a Worst of 2015 theme. We review our second Fantastic Four movie with one that for some reason was actually released, 2015’s Fantastic Four. Featuring a hip new cast of Oscar nominees and hopefuls, gritty teal and orange cinematography, and a rushed, nonsense final product with 30 minutes cut, the 2015 version manages to be the worst of the bunch.

Plot synopsis: See the 1994 and 2005 versions. Science, accident, get powers, Dr. Doom is evil. Add: Miles Teller, Kate Mara, Michael B. Jordan, Jamie Bell, Dan Castellaneta, bad American accents, and science fairs. Remove: Most of the plot, anything charming or fun, and the director’s original intent.

As part of Your Stupid Minds’ Worst of 2015 week, we have a single episode highlighting an appropriately forgotten lemon of the previous year. To call Accidental Love a 2015 film, however, is somewhat unfitting. Originally titled Nailed and helmed by prestige Oscar bait director David O. Russell, this film went through production hell following the recent 2008 financial crisis.

Filming proceeded from 2008 to 2010 with numerous stoppages (some say up to fourteen) due to lack of payment. Russell eventually left the project, and when the eventual rights holder decided to cobble it together into something resembling a film, David O. asked that his name be removed. Therefore the fictitious “Stephen Greene” is named as director.

Accidental Love is a high concept farce wherein Alice (Jessica Biel) is shot in the head with a nail gun as her boyfriend proposes to her at a local Indiana restaurant. When she is somehow refused treatment at the local hospital because she’s uninsured, she goes on a quest to Washington to seek universal healthcare. She sleeps with her representative in Congress Howard Birdwell (Jake Gyllenhaal) due to the nymphomania side effect of her injury, and then more things happen, some of which might be interpreted as jokes. Also starring Catherine Keener, James Marsden, Tracy Morgan, Kurt Fuller, Kirstie Alley, Bill Hader, Paul Reubens, and some other people.

Your Stupid Minds reviews another Christmas classic with Terry “Hollywood Hulk ‘The Hulkster’ Hogan” Bollea (a.k.a. Hulk Hogan) in Santa with Muscles! Hogan takes a break between exhibition bouts in Japan to film this family classic about a large man using physical violence to bond with orphans.

Blake (Hogan), during one of his regular paintballing jaunts with his personal staff, gets mistaken for a terrorist by the local sheriff (Clint Howard) and disguises himself as Santa Claus in a nearby shopping mall. After a bump on the noggin he believes he actually is Santa Claus, and holes up in a local orphanage with his elf partner (Don Stark). After drinking milk and eating cookies with the three orphans (one played by young Mila Kunis), an evil gang of scientists led by Ebner Frost (Ed Begley Jr.) try to take the orphanage by force in order to acquire the magic exploding crystals hidden underneath. Blake punches these guys until everyone learns the true meaning of Christmas.

Christmas season in high gear, and that means we'll be looking at less-than-stellar Holiday movies in the month of December. Our first foray into the genre is Ron Howard's brazen cash grab live action remake of the Dr. Seuss classic with How the Grinch Stole Christmas (a.k.a. Grinch 2000). Jim Carrey cranks it up to 11 with his manic interpretation of the Grinch that is 60% Richard Nixon, 3% Jerry Lewis, and 37% Other Parts. Howard and company pad out the 64 page illustrated source material (with additional heavy influences from the 1966 Chuck Jones cartoon) by adding signature Carrey ad libs, a needless Grinch backstory, additional characters, a love interest, and precocious Cindy Lou Who (Taylor Momsen) as a nearly jaded young adolescent.

Your Stupid Minds transitions from Halloween season into Renaissance Festival season with the 90s low-budget medieval fantasy movie Prince Valiant! Based on the boring, overwritten comic strip from the Sunday newspaper’s back page that your grandparents never read, this film adaptation eschews the sweeping ongoing medieval tale and instead opts for a trim 90 minute action movie with swords instead of firearms.

Lowly squire Valiant (Stephen Moyer) steps in at the joust for his knight after an unfortunate concussion and proceeds to not even win. King Arthur (Edward Fox) sends him on a mission to return Princess Ilene (Katherine Heigl) to her home country after Excalibur is stolen by what he thinks are Scots. In reality, goons led by Sligon the Usurper are the culprits. Sligon stole Merlin’s spell book (titled simply, “Merlin”) and plans to use it to take over the kingdom. It’s up to Valiant and his new friends Boltar (Ron Perlman) and Pechet (Warwick Davis) to stop him.

A scary monster movie is in order on Halloween for this episode of Your Stupid Minds. Recommended by friend and listener of the podcast Brendan McNamara (who also guest hosts on this episode), it’s It! The Terror from Beyond Space. This 1958 space horror flick bears a striking resemblance to Ridley Scott’s Alien, and some comparison to Scott’s most recent film The Martian (in that it involves Mars and that’s about it).

When Col. Edward Carruthers (Marshall Thompson) is the sole survivor of his Mars mission, the rescue crew must decide if he murdered the others or if it was some mysterious monster he keeps yapping on about. In the meantime Carruthers is free to wander around the cavernous spaceship, smoking heavily and playing poker while the womenfolk clear the dishes and crew members lob insults related to his mass murderer status.

As it turns out, an actual monster wanders onto the ship while they’re dumping some space garbage on his home planet and the crew implements a series of absurd and progressively more violent means of disposing of it, including but not limited to: World War II surplus firearms, grenades, poison gas, electrocution, and a bazooka. What they were doing in space with all of these things is anyone’s guess.

Patrick Regan returns to Your Stupid Minds after his appearance in Jonah Hex (both the episode and the movie) to help us review Universal’s 2010 flop The Wolfman (back when Universal used to make flops). This episode is part of our de facto ghoulish Halloween theme, when we review some scary movies in October and then go back to other things.

Lawrence Talbot (played by the excessively British Benicio Del Toro) receives a visit from his sister-in-law Gwen (Emily Blunt), who tells him his brother is missing. After some reluctant hero hemming and hawing, he takes the train back home to his bizarre father Sir John Talbot (Anthony Hopkins) where some spooky doings are transpiring. His brother was ripped to shreds and the locals suspect either a gypsy bear or a werewolf. During a visit to the gypsy camp, Lawrence is bitten by a werewolf and later transforms into a werewolf. Then Hugo Weaving shows up as a Scotland Yard inspector and we glacially proceed to the giant London action set-piece and inevitable Marvel-style werewolf fight.

Your Stupid Minds returns to 1990s children’s movies with Disney’s Blank Check! Featuring threats of murder, smoking, horrible parenting, potential statutory rape, and Michael Lerner.

Twelve year old Preston Waters (Brian Bonsall) has it rough. He never has enough tokens for the roller coasters at Fiesta Texas, his parents don’t respect him, and his annoying brothers are allowed to set up a home office is his penthouse-sized bedroom. Fortunately a run in with a criminal (Miguel Ferrer) grants his access to a blank check tied to a criminal bank account with exactly one million dollars in laundered funds.

After Preston uses his personal computer to commit check fraud, the crooked bank president (Lerner) thinks he is the criminal contact and hands off a million bucks to a pre-teen. It’s now up to the crooks to catch this kid before he spends all the money, which Preston does dutifully in six days purchasing a castle, waterslide, personal limo driver, virtual reality helmet, and truck full of branded Chips Ahoy! packaged cookie products.

Will Preston’s newfound wealth (which he spends under the artfully crafted pseudonym “Mr. Macintosh”) allow him to start a romantic relationship with an adult woman (Karen Duffy)? Or will he learn that money can’t buy happiness? Or will the movie hedge its bets and preach a simultaneously pro and anti capitalist message while Home Alone style hijinks ensue?

Based on the 1990s flight simulator computer game (and not Space Invaders), Wing Commander is a modestly budgeted space opera set before an impending alien invasion. Starring Freddie Prinze Jr., Saffron Burrows, Matthew Lillard, Jürgen Prochnow, and Malcolm McDowell replacement David Warner, the film is largely a Star Wars ripoff injected with overt references to Star Trek, Das Boot, Battlestar Galactica, Top Gun, and whatever else director and game creator Chris Roberts could get away with.

Lieutenant Christopher Blair (Prinze) arrives at the TCS Tiger Class with vital information regarding their war with the Kilrathi aliens. Commander Gerald (Prochnow) doesn’t trust Blair because of his Pilgrim geneology. Pilgrims were the original explorers and colonizers of space who turned into big jerks and attained Force-like powers of intergalactic navigation. Meanwhile, Blair’s buddy Todd “Maniac” Marshall (Lillard) hot dogs around in his ship and generally makes an ass of himself. Will they save the Earth before the impending Kilrathi invasion? Will Blair hook up with Wing Commander Deveraux (Burrows)? Why is there gravity in space? Does any of this matter?

The summer ninja series has come to a close. We now return to our regular pre-May programming with a Your Stupid Minds mainstay: a movie with a basketball player! Dennis Rodman stars in arguably the worst of his two action movie vehicles: Simon Sez. Fresh off the heels of Double Team starring Jean-Claude Van Damme and Mickey Rourke, Rodman returns to (or remains in) France to make this action spy comedy.

Simon (Rodman) is a freelance Interpol agent working to uncover a mysterious arms deal with his monk-attired partners Micro (John Pinette) and Macro (Ricky Harris). Later, Nick Miranda (played by an insufferable Dane Cook) asks Simon to help him with a kidnapping exchange. Their two missions intersect and the spy group must stop the vamping bad guy from blowing up the Eiffel Tower.

Your Stupid Minds finishes off the summer ninja series with a ninja movie of the teenage mutant turtle variety: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III! Our heroes in a half shell (or full shell, if you want to be accurate) return for their final non Michael Bay film appearance. When a magical lantern transports April (Paige Turco) back in time to 17th century feudal Japan (and the prince Kenshin takes per place), the turtles must travel back to save her. The turtles almost immediately muck everything up and intersperse their heroic deeds with dated early 90s pop culture references. Michelangelo falls in love with the rebel leader Mitsu (Vivian Wu), and Raphael flies a kite with an adorable boy named Yoshi (Travis A. Moon). Meanwhile, the Japanese honor guard who replaces the turtles in the present have a great time with Casey Jones (Elias Koteas) playing hockey and arcade games.

More ninja movies! The post-production company Big Boss Creative wanted to break into the lucrative direct-to-DVD racket, so they asked distributors what they wanted to sell. Their questions were answered with the mixed bag of “ninjas,” “post-apocalypse,” “zombies,” and “The Warriors,” so they slapped all of those ideas together into an 82 page script, added some cheap After Effects CGI, and made Ninja Apocalypse. Starring some stunt men who were available in the greater Los Angeles Metropolitan area, as well as Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa (Electra, Showdown in Little Tokyo), and Ernie Reyes Jr. (Surf Ninjas, Ninja Turtles II).

Cage (Christian Oliver) is the leader of the lost ninja clan and goes to a peace summit with his best warriors for some reason to help unite the clans. When the ninja leader (Tagawa) is killed at the summit, Cage is falsely accused to the murder and all the clans hope to catch him before he escapes. On his way to the surface he and his clan mates fight ninjas, zombies, reptile men, and sexy lady ninjas for their freedom. They also have cool blue fire kicks and energy blasts. 

More ninja movies on Your Stupid Minds! This time we attempted to find an underwhelming movie to put an end to this ninja episode massacre. We thought we had a perfect candidate with 1995’s The Hunted starring Christopher Lambert in his first non-Highlander movie on YSM. As it turns out, this movie is great!

Paul Richie (Lambert) travels to Nagoya Japan on business and has a lovely date with Kirina (Joan Chen), a supposedly Japanese woman despite being obviously Chinese. After a date in the park listening to the traditional Japanese drummers, they go back to her hotel for a night of sultry hot tub sex. After Richie leaves, ninjas show up and murder Kirina. Richie tries to stop them, only to be hit with shurikens and nearly stabbed to death. After being attacked again in the hospital by ninjas led by the nefarious Kinjo (John Lone) who come to finish the job, he teams up with a samurai Ichiro (Yoshio Harada) and his wife Mieko (Yoko Shimada) to hide out on their secret samurai island to wait for Kinjo.

Another ninja movie! This time with actual ninjas and not some snot-nosed kids, it’s the Cannon Group’s Ninja III: The Domination! Offering little to no continuity to its predecessors Enter the Ninja and Revenge of the Ninja, Ninja III involves a headstrong telephone company employee/aerobics instructor Christie (Lucinda Dickey) possessed by the ghost of a mystical ninja who recently went on a cop killing spree at a nearby municipal golf course.

After some questionably strong seduction tactics, Office Secord (Jordan Bennett) joins Christie in her apartment for V8 juice-infused sex near her arcade machine for the unreleased game Bouncer. Soon after she surreptitiously begins murdering the cops who took down the ninja using her newly-infused martial arts skills and floating Ninjato sword. Will Officer Secord stop her before she murders all of the leery cops? Is a newly-arrived eye-patched Japanese man a friend or foe? Pick up the Blu-ray and find out!

Your Stupid Minds continues its unofficial ninja theme with a film that, despite having “Ninja” in the title, essentially has karate action masquerading as ninjutsu. 3 Ninjas Knuckle Up is the third film in the 3 Ninjas franchise and contains all of the original cast members! Shot almost concurrently with the first film, before a legal dispute forced the producers to shelve it and recast two of the kids in 3 Ninjas Kick Back, Knuckle Up was finally released three years after the original with mostly unaged child heroes Rocky (Michael Treanor), Colt (Max Elliott Slade), and Tum Tum (Chad Power).

The trio and its elderly grandfather (Victor Wong) travel somewhere close to an Indian reservation during summer break, and they find themselves volunteering ninja services to local Native Americans terrorized by an evil garbage dump owner Jack (Charles Napier), who pollutes their land and kills their children. The boys use their karate ninja skills to rescue the father of little girl Jo (Crystle Lightning), and fight full grown adult goons who are constantly humiliated and physically bested by children.

It’s a long time coming for this Your Stupid Minds Essential Viewing List (YSMEVL), but we finally got around to reviewing 1987’s resurrected martial arts masterpiece, Miami Connection starring Orlando’s own native-by-transplant son, taekwondo master instructor Y.K. Kim. The film received a second life when Alamo Drafthouse programmer Zack Carlson made a $50 eBay bid on a lark for the 35mm print. It was such a hit that the Drafthouse began distributing it, and it quickly became a cult classic.

In the mean streets of Orlando, Mark (Y.K. Kim) and his contingent of best friends forever taewkondo students/orphans create Dragon Sound, a band with a positive message taking the local metropolitan area by storm. A rival band does not take too kindly to this, and after an unsuccessful martial arts fight with the club owner, decides to take its frustrations out on Dragon Sound. This does not go well, and the confrontation quickly escalates to gang warfare, biker involvement, kidnapping, and ninjas.

Your Stupids Minds attempts to right the wrongs of the past by finally reviewing one of our favorite bad movies, 1991’s macho martial arts masterpiece Showdown in Little Tokyo. Running at a brisk 79 minutes and starring YSM favorite Dolph Lundgren (Rocky IV, Masters of the Universe, In the Name of the King 2: Two Worlds), as well as Brandon Lee (The Crow), Tia Carrere (Wayne’s World) and Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa (Elektra, Mortal Kombat), Showdown is about a giant blonde Swede Nipponophile who teams up with a half Japanese partner who doesn’t even like sushi!

An evil yakuza boss (Tagawa) overpowers all of the LA gangs with brutal and stereotypically Japanese violence, so it’s up to Chris Kenner (Lundgren) to use his superior Japanese-ness to take him down. Along the way he rescues a lounge singer mid-seppuku (Carrere) and literally carries her to his Epcot-style Japanese house. It all leads up to a “showdown,” if you will, in Little Tokyo’s big parade, complete with dangerous fireworks wheels and horsemen with sharpened period-accurate katanas.

On the heels of Free Comic Book Day and the release of the new Avengers movie, here's a comic movie most people barely remember: Elektra! When fearless assassin Elektra (Jennifer Garner) is tasked with assassinating a hunky father and his middle-school-aged daughter, will she be able to carry out the assignment, or will she wuss out? And what will she do when the Hand calls in a hit squad led by Kirigi (Torque's Will Yun Lee) to finish off the father/daughter? Probably engage them in karate fights!

This week, YSM tackles the truly bizarre buddy cop/talking dinosaur movie Theodore Rex. Join us as we wonder whether writer/director Jonathan Betuel got an uncredited plot assist from his four-year-old nephew Tommy and whether Theodore Rex is the most annoying 90s “poochie” protagonist we’ve ever covered. In the near-future, human-sized dinosaurs have been brought back by an eccentric German scientist just to see if he can. Now, the scientist is planning to start another ice age in order to bring in a new society. In the wake of a dino-murder, police officer/publicity stunt diversity hire Theodore Rex is given permission to investigate, along with new partner Katie Coltrane (Goldberg), a tough cop with computer enhancements. Together, they deal with the evil scientist and his henchmen “Edge,” (Stephen McHattie), “Spinner,” (Bud Cort), and “The Toymaker” (Peter Kwong).

Though we didn't know when we picked this movie that an actual maniac cop would dominate the recent news, it's apropos enough that our episode this time around is Maniac Cop 2 starring the late, great Robert Z'Dar. After hero cop Matthew Cordell (Z'Dar) is murdered by some corrupt police officers, he comes back as a super strong brain dead zombie cop who kills other cops. When Jack Forrest (Bruce Campbell) and his girlfriend Teresa Mallory (Laurene Landon) drop him into water in the first movie, Maniac Cop returns to finish what he started. He finishes what he started, and then just kind of meanders around with a serial killer while Detective Sean McKinney (Robert Davi) and police psychologist Susan Riley (Claudia Christian) lackadaisically look for him.

Your Stupid Minds continues its series on "children's movies no one has ever seen involving talking/hyper intelligent pets" with the somewhat Wishbone ripoff How I Saved the President (or The Undercover Kid). Precocious kid Max Anderson (Bradley Pierce) is in a stifling home environment, which he copes with by talking to his cat Nellie (Victoria Jackson) and Jack Russell Terrier Bo (played by Robert Knepper and Barkley the Dog, respectively).

When a foreign-sounding German Shepherd at the park tips them off about a presidential assassination plot, Max must use his four-legged friends to stop the terrorists! But first he must convince his oppressive dad and clueless mom that the plot is afoot, and he can indeed talk to animals. Join Chris, Nick, and special guest Nico Mesa on this bizarre family romp through high stakes international intrigue.

After a month of reviewing big budget sequels starring some of our favorite actors, we at Your Stupid Minds decided to scale back to a nice zero-budget drama written, directed, and starring one of our favorite auteurs. Yes, we return to Neil Breen, the writer/director/producer/star/visionary behind Fateful Findings, one of our favorite movies of last year (yes, we know it technically came out in 2013). This time, it’s I Am Here.... Now, a morality play about a godlike alien being as he hassles a handful of drug dealers and corrupt politicians as he decides whether the human race should be eradicated. He also befriends an old man with cancer and a young environmental activist/escort. Will Neil Breen and his weird robot body and zombie face kill us all? There’s only one way to find out!

It’s our follow-up to “Academy Award nominees appearing in cash-grab sequels,” as we follow Batman Returns with The Lost World: Jurassic Park, featuring Academy Award Nominee Julianne Moore! Several years after the events of the first film, the almost unrecognizable Dr. Ian Malcolm heads to a second, “lost” island where the dinosaurs have flourished in isolation to find Sarah (Moore), his dino expert girlfriend. For no reason, his 12-13 year old daughter tags along. But the environmental observation is ruined when a team of EVIL poachers appear, ready to embark on a plan 50X dumber and more irresponsible than Jurassic Park’s “clone dinosaurs and then make people buy plane tickets to come and see the dinosaurs.” Featuring an all-star supporting cast (Vince Vaughn, Pete Postlethwaite, Peter Stormare) and one of the best action directors ever, the film still manages to be pretty terrible, thanks largely to a script that makes characters actively sabotage their own survival for little to no reason and behave in incredibly dumb ways whenever the script demands.

Your Stupid Minds returns to the well of goofy comic book movies; this time, it's that movie that you never think about but remember being sort of good: Batman Returns! It's the Ghostbusters 2 of a new generation! It's also the return of Academy Award favorite Michael Keaton to the podcast. Was his performance in Birdman better than Jack Frost? You tell us!

Join Chris, Nick, and returning guest Vincent Goodwin as we address the wall-to-wall strange choices that helped propel Batman Returns to the #3 spot of the 1992 box office (oh wait, it completely coasted on the success of Batman, the #1 film of 1989)! Together, we answer the tough questions like: what happens in this movie? Who is the main character? Why does the Penguin act the way he does? What is Penguin's plan? What is Catwoman's plan? How many press conferences can one mayor throw in the same plaza? Why isn't Gotham constantly dealing with recall elections?

Your Stupid Minds finally finishes the epic Ayn Rand film trilogy with our podcast review of Atlas Shrugged Part III: Who Is John Galt? Two box office bombs weren’t going to stop the producers of Atlas Shrugged, so after a Kickstarter campaign and a second complete recast, the series is finally complete. Hear our reviews of Part I and Part II for a more holistic experience.

After Dagny Taggart (Laura Regan) crashes her plane while searching for Galt’s Gulch, she finally finds John Galt himself (Kristoffer Polanha) a hunky libertarian who seduces Dagny with longwinded speeches about self-sufficiency. After a guided tour of the Gulch which mostly takes place in Galt’s arms, Dagny is still hesitant to participate in their collective temper tantrum and returns to the rail company, which is on the verge of nationalization. Will she save the railroad? Will her and Galt get it on? Will there be muted political discussions amongst rich jerks drinking wine? Find out!

Happy New Year from Your Stupid Minds! We start off the new year right with a return to Slam Dunk Fun! This time we have Freaky Friday meets Like Mike meets that part in Space Jam when all the superstars lose their basketball abilities: 2012’s Thunderstruck starring NBA all-star Kevin Durant! A 16 year old basketball fan (who acts 10) is comically terrible at basketball, and after an exchange with Durant at an Oklahoma City Thunder game, is magically imbued with his amazing basketball skills! The high school basketball coach (played by “sleepy bear” Jim Belushi) lets him on the team and performs amazingly. At the same time, Durant is horrible and his agent Alan (Brandon T. Jackson) figures out very quickly that it’s because of this gypsy curse. Special thanks to YSM fan Brianne for the recommendation (and we hope your team does better this or next season).

Your Stupid Minds returns from a brief hiatus to provide yet another Cannon Group/Golan-Globus movie, this time riding the coattails of the sensational news story of the Legion of Doom vigilante group at R.L. Paschal High School in Fort Worth. Dangerously Close was the low-budget theatrical version released one week before the made-for-TV movie of the same subject, The Brotherhood of Justice, starring future heartthrobs Keanu Reeves, Kiefer Sutherland, Lori Loughlin, and Billy Zane. Dangerously Close stars no one, unless you count John Stockwell (future director of In the Blood), and Michelle Pfeiffer’s sister.

At a high school presumably in Southern California, a student organization called “The Sentinels” cleans up the school through education, regular hallway patrols, and targeting people they don’t like and pretending to murder them. When one of their victims ends up actually murdered, high school newspaper editor and goody-two-shoes Danny (J. Eddie Peck) investigates. When Danny’s pudgy annoying punk friend Krooger (Bradford Bancroft) goes missing, Danny decides to expose The Sentinels for the murderous terrorist organization it truly is.

Digest the day away with our newest podcast episode: 1996’s The Phantom starring buff tan Billy Zane. Evil 1930s guy Xander Drax (Treat Williams) tries to get three powerful shiny skulls so he can shoot a bunch of people with skull lasers. He enlists the help of secret cult member and all-around goon Quill (James Remar) and perpetually catsuit-clad aviatrix Sala (Catherine Zeta-Jones) to jet set around the globe to New York sets, jungle caves, and uncharted pirate islands. The Phantom (Billy Zane) tracks his movements in a purple suit with the help of his white horse and pet wolf (who can talk to horses). The Phantom made $5 million its opening weekend, ranking #6 behind instant classics such as Eddie and Dragonheart.

After going months without reviewing a Cannon/Golan-Globus film, we finally snapped and watched Link, the story of an ape that doesn't seem to understand when a young Elizabeth Shue isn't interested in him that way. Shue plays Jane (of course), a chimp apologist and student who volunteers to work with Professor Steven Phillip (Terrence Stamp)'s chimps at his remote country estate. She's greeted at the door by Link, an orangutan in chimp-makeup, and quickly befriends the various chimps, disapproving of Stamp's negativity and casual attitude towards Link smoking cigars at the dinner table. When the Professor disappears, Jane is left alone with the chimps, and eventually starts to realize that something ain't quite right. It's almost like Link won't let her leave. And what's he doing outside her bathroom while she's showering? Try closing the door, dummy.

A special Halloween episode with one of the worst movies we’ve ever reviewed! Have you ever thought “you know, I really like those Leprechaun movies with Warwick Davis, except I wish he couldn’t talk and was a monster instead of a leprechaun”? Well you’re in luck! WWE Studios acquired the franchise, cast dwarf wrestling novelty act Hornswoggle, plastered him all over the marketing materials, and then put him in a disgusting full body costume and gave him no lines. The result is a lazy generic slasher film with absolutely no remnants of the original franchise.

On their last week visiting Ireland (which looks suspiciously like British Columbia), a group of four friends (with suspiciously Canadian accents) come upon a small town with charming locals who agree to take them to a special hiking spot. As it turns out, this hiking spot is a ruse to provide the tourists as human sacrifice for a monster terrorizing the countryside, which they insist is a leprechaun despite all appearances to the contrary. What results is a barely written series of scenes alternating between various cabins, vehicles, and forests involving running, scampering, screaming, whimpering, yelling, and crying.

Not only is the movie pure tedium, but by the end the audience is subjected to twelve (12) minutes of excruciating end credits with nary a post-credit stinger in sight. That’s $5.40 we will never see again.

We continue our October scary-movie-a-thon-thing with the terrifying and impossible to alphabetize cyber thriller .com for Murder. Directed by schlock semi-master Nico Mastorakis, this ripoff of Halloween, Psycho, Rear Window, etc. stars Nastassja Kinski (Cat People), Nicollette Sheridan (former Michael Bolton paramour), Roger Daltrey (Vampirella, The Who), and Huey Lewis (of the News).

When hotshot architect Ben (Daltrey) leaves his temporarily handicapped wive Sondra (Kinski) in the care of her sister and a completely computerized mansion named Hal, she uses the opportunity to antagonize murderers in an online sex chatroom. When she annoys the wrong murderer—a hacker who goes by Werther—he uses the opportunity to send her video footage of a murder (encrypted as a racist public domain cartoon) and then go after her as well! Meanwhile FBI Agent Matheson (Lewis) takes the case despite lacking a basic understanding of computers and technology.

Join Nick, Chris, and returning special guest Sarah Long (from Episode 42: American Strays) as we try and figure out how to add blood effects to chatoom text, why the director thought the delete key could possibly execute any sort of command, and the murderer’s extremely dubious time estimate for death by wrist knick.

Your Stupid Minds reviews SCARY MOVIES throughout October, so cover your eyes and prepare yourself for the spookiest jump scares and bloodless murders that the MPAA will allow at this particular rating threshhold. It’s Rupert Wainwright’s dull remake of John Carpenter’s somewhat flawed The Fog, but instead of early 80s suspense it’s a mid-2000s Trajan-fonted teen slasher!

Nick Castle (Smallville’s Tom Welling) is a boat guy on the small Antonio Island, off the coast of Oregon. He takes tourists on his boat with his first mate Spooner (DeRay Davis) when the anchor snags on something… something GHOSTLY! Meanwhile Nick’s girlfriend Elizabeth (a non-kidnapped Maggie Grace) returns to the island, unaware of Nick’s affair with the sultry local DJ Stevie (Selma Blair). But all of this relationship drama is largely moot because ghost pirates show up.

2005’s The Fog splits the difference between Carpenter’s supernatural giallo influences and adds high-tension gore-less slasher suspense throughout. As a result the original plot makes little sense, such as when Elizabeth breezes through an entire 19th century journal as they outpace the fog in Nick’s truck. And based on the intentions of the ghostly beings inside the fog, many of the murders leading up to the denouement make little sense.

Your Stupid Minds reviews a poorly titled action thriller In the Blood, starring former MMA standout turned action movie heroine Gina Carano. Join us as we discuss the long-awaited return of Danny Trejo, after literally three episodes without an appearance. Carano marries a bland, blonde, handsome son of a rich businessman (Treat Williams), and after he is kidnapped during a bizarrely intricate plot, she becomes the top suspect of island law enforcement led by Luis Guzmán. Will Gina find her husband and kill a bunch of dudes? Is her character a psychotic, Michael Myers style villain, or the hero of this movie? What is proper zipline safety procedures? Tune in and find out!

We go back to our B movie roots with an independent sci-fi monster flick shot right here in the heart of Austin, Texas: 1985’s Future-Kill. Despite its ultra low budget and muddy cinematography, the filmmakers somehow convinced famed surrealist artist H.R. Giger to create the poster image, which is far and away a hundred times better than anything in the actual movie. Giger’s rendering of the main villain “Splatter” is mysterious, ghostly, and terrifying. Future-Kill’s Splatter looks like a scrawny guy in a bike helmet.

After a brief intro with Splatter and Eddie, the leader of the mutant punk protest movement, Future-Kill moves over to a zany frat party full of a bunch of reprehensible frat dudes displaying amateurish pranks. The balding frat president says these no-goodniks must make up for their antics by performing the zaniest prank of all: go downtown into mutant territory and kidnap a gang member. Needless to say it does not go well and they end up running for their lives in a world without pay phones or public transportation.

The sequel everyone in 1989 had been demanding (it actually knocked Rain Man off the top of the box office charts), it's The Fly II! Featuring... one guy from the previous film, and some video footage of Jeff Goldblum as the Fly on VHS. When Geena Davis's character from the original film dies in childbirth, evil businessman/science enthusiast Anton Bartok (Lee Richardson), has the baby raised in a lab, where he grows at super speed into the brilliant but somewhat awkward Eric Stoltz. Bartok hires Stoltz to continue his father's work into matter transporters, which he quickly uses to impress Beth Logan (Daphne Zuniga of Spaceballs) by failing to transport her cactus. As their romance blossoms, and Stoltz closes in on re-creating his father's work, he makes a startling discovery about a web of lies Bartok has told him.

We continue our theme of “Unnecessary Sequels Readily Available on Netflix Which Involve Immortality, Resurrection, and Christian-motifed Revenge Plots” to bring you our second reviewed Highlander movie: Highlander: Endgame!

Wiping away all memories of Highlander II: The Quickening, Endgame brings in the star of the Highlander television series Duncan MacLeod (Adrian Paul) as he carries the torch from the ridiculously haircutted Connor McLeod (Christopher Lambert). Evil highlander Jacob Kell (YSM favorite Bruce Payne) is killing highlanders in some elaborate 500 year old revenge plot, and it’s up to Duncan to stop him. There are also large gaps in the highlander mythos which we assume are filled by Highlander III: The Sorcerer and the television series, though Endgame does a poor job of bringing us into the fold. Mostly the movie is a mishmash of self-contradicting highlander rules enforced by either the Watchers, a mortal group calculating highlander power levels, or no one. It’s not entirely clear.

If you like horrible period drama wigs, a confusing confluence of western and eastern influences, and Bruce Payne mugging his way through the movie, Highlander: Endgame may be for you! We’ll do our best to nitpick highlander rules, contemplate the aggressive nature of immortal sex, and discuss the prevalence of the White Guy Karate throughout the film.

Your Stupid Minds continues its summer sequels series (once you do three in a row it's a series) with the fourth and final Crow movie made as of 2014: The Crow: Wicked Prayer! When tiny scumbag Jimmy Cuervo (Edward Furlong) is murdered by an all star team of Satanists, Cuervo is transformed by a magic crow into an instrument of embarrassingly dressed vengeance. Can pre-teen mall goth Crow overcome Tank from The Matrix, Tara Reid, MMA champion Tito Ortiz, and David Boreanaz over the course of one night, or will some sort of elaborate, ill-defined plan by the Satanists come to fruition?

We continue our ongoing Ayn Rand series with Atlas Shrugged II: The Strike. Many of you may remember us waxing political in our episode of the first installment, and by this point we stop perpetuating a New Criticism analysis and just dig right in to all aspects of the source material, especially authorial intent. For some inexplicable reason, the filmmakers completely recast everyone, replacing Taylor Schilling with an older Samantha Mathis. The third movie, which they’ve raised money for by mooching off of Kickstarter contributors, will continue this trend of complete re-casting to pretend like it was intentional.

Atlas Shrugged II continues the thrilling tale of Dagny Taggart and her amazing trains, Hank Reardon and his amazing steel, something about an amazing train engine, and the always mysterious John Galt, who continues to kidnap the best and the brightest around the country. Meanwhile, the government has instituted the stupidest economic plan in existence, and all the amazing and logical industrialists think it’s moronic because it is.

In honor of World Cup fever, we review the most ludicrous, vaguely soccer themed movie we could find. Air Bud returns (without the original Buddy) for the third installment of the franchise: Air Bud: World Pup! Buddy and a kid who looks like Simon from 7th Heaven (Kevin Zegers) join the school’s new soccer team to impress their respective beaus: a fake British girl Emma (Brittany Paige Bouck), and her unspayed Golden Retriever. While Simon woos the girl with Natural Born Killers sunglasses and leather jackets, Buddy makes sundaes and shows up for nightly booty calls.

Meanwhile, a former dog catcher Snerbert (played by Martin Ferrero, the lawyer from Jurassic Park) stakes out Emma’s ridiculous mansion in an attempt to kidnap her dog for some reason. There’s also something about a dog playing soccer.

This episode features special guest and Chris’s sister Sarah Dobson, an expert in soccer, England, dog-ownership, and being a girl in the early 2000s.

This time around on the Your Stupid Minds podcast we present Episode 0: the secret lost podcast pilot. We originally recorded Lucky Number Slevin as our first episode back in February 2012, but ended up recording a WHOPPING 35 minutes instead of the 20 we were originally going for, so we shelved this one for a rainy day.

One of our most loathed movies, Lucky Number Slevin tells the needlessly complex and Tarantino-esque story of Slevin Kelevra (Josh Hartnett), a bath-toweled man with an impossible no-way name who navigates the machinations of two themed mobs, one led by The Boss (Morgan Freeman), the other by The Rabbi (Ben Kingsley). Slevin smugs his way through the misadventures, along the way courted by Manic Pixie Dream Girl Lindsey (Lucy Liu), and his own elaborate ulterior motive. Bruce Willis’s hairpiece also makes an appearance.

It's summer, and that means it's time for big budget blockbusters! Blockbusters like Godzilla vs. Hedorah, the overtly environmentalist smash hit kaiju film of 1971! Complete with jaunty gunslinger Godzilla, psychedelic hallucinations and dancing skeletons, and a drug-addled monster that feeds on pollution. Join us as we discuss the acting ability of a six year old, and wonder whether exposure to the smog monster has altered Godzilla's consciousness. 

We return to our vague association with Kurt Wimmer and his 1996 revenge action film One Tough Bastard. Sort of like The Crow meets Hard to Kill, OTB (also called One Man’s Justice) stars action star and washed out first round draft pick Brian Bosworth as his ex-wife and daughter are needlessly murdered by Marcus (Jeff Kober, resembling a C-Team Josh Brolin), the worst drug dealer in the world. He shoots The Boz and puts him in the hospital. Once awake from his brief but refreshing coma, The Boz plots his revenge against Marcus and the skeeziest long-haired nose-pierced FBI agent in the world, Agent Karl Savak (played by Dungeons and Dragons’s Bruce Payne). Also MC Hammer is barely in this movie. Will The Boz fulfill his revenge, and exploit an inner city toddler in the process? Only one way to find out!

Journey with us, listener, back into the days before Jesus banned magic, back when crossbows and saddles were common. Journey with us to the land of the 1987 Conan rip-off, The Barbarians! Because what's better than one enormously buff dude with poor enunciation? TWO identical buff dudes with poor enunciation! Peter and David Paul, aka the Barbarian Brothers, make their debut!

Pull on your cowboy boots and strap on your six-shooter, we’re going western this time around with Kris Kristofferson, Willie Nelson, Joan Severance, and Rip Torn in the nonsensically titled Another Pair of Aces: Three of a Kind. When Texas Ranger Rip Metcalf’s (played by Kristofferson, not Rip Torn) colleague and friend Captain Jack Parsons (who is played by Rip Torn) is accused of murder, it’s up to Rip 1 to clear his name. Noted gambler and character from the first movie Billy Roy “Ace” Rodriguez (Willie Nelson) joins him, along with the FBI agent Susan Davis (Joan Severance, who does not play a Rip, though she was in No Holds Barred which does have a character named Rip) as the token woman/love interest.

Shot around Central Texas, APoA: TofK provides a great glimpse of early 90s Austin, a view covered in a cowboy hats, drab state government buildings, and not condos.

Your Stupid Minds celebrates its FIFTIETH episode. In keeping with our status as a cutting edge resource for all things camp, cult, genre, b, and otherwise considered bad movies, we went on a special podcast field trip to the Alamo Drafthouse for a special midnight screening of the newest entry into the bad movie canon: Fateful Findings! Las Vegas filmmaker Neil Breen brings us his supernatural hacker romance thriller. The protagonist (played by, who else, Neil Breen) gets into a car accident and unlocks supernatural hacking powers, which he uses to hack the most secret government and corporate secrets. This doesn’t sit well with his pill popping wife Emily, who slurs her displeasure in a heavy polish accent. Fateful Findings definitely resides on the Bad Movie Mount Rushmore, with Neil Breen’s face alongside Ed Wood, Tommy Wiseau, and James Nguyen. Also follow us on our new Twitter account, @YourStupidMinds!

Music video director Joseph Kahn directs Torque, a high octane action extravaganza starring Ice Cube, Adam Scott, Jaime Pressly, and Brad Pitt (lookalike Martin Henderson). Just in case you didn’t know this wasn’t from the early 2000s, Kahn is sure to add some Dane Cook, Kid Rock, crappy CGI, and Nickelback to top everything off.

Taking place in a presumably post-apocalyptic California run by biker gangs, our hero Ford returns after a mysterious trip to Thailand to retrieve some drugs he stole from an evil lip-smacking biker gang leader. The evil gang leader kills the brother of another gang leader (Ice Cube) and frames Ford for the murder. Everyone’s out to get him, and his only plan of action is to ride away really fast on a brightly-colored crotch rocket. Also two chicks duke it out in a motorcycle fight in front of some overt cola-related product placement.

Alan Quatermain and Golan-Globus return to the podcast with 1985's King Solomon's Mines! Richard Chamberlin, Sharon Stone, and John Rhys-Davies star in this low-budget ripoff of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Alan Quatermain and Jesse Huston must traipse across the African continent to rescue her repeatedly beaten elderly father, who's been kidnapped by World War I era Germans (NOT Nazis) so he can divulge the whereabouts of King Solomon's mines. Using planes, trains, and automobiles, they get to the mines through cannibal tribe, voyeuristic lions, monkey people, and crocodile pit. Where does this fit into the Indiana Jones canon? Is it better or worse than Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? Only one way to find out!

It's your favorite secret lesbian romcom spy movie, 2004's D.E.B.S.! About a foursome of teenage superspies recruited through the SAT and whose personalities are dictated by skirt length. D.E.B.S. looks like your run-of-the-mill pre-teen romp, but it may actually belong in the LGBT section of your local movie rental store which may or may not exist in your town.

Lucy Diamond (Fast & Furious's Jordana Brewser) is an infamous thief specializing in jewels and large sacks with dollar signs on them. After a disastrous blind date she meets Amy (Sara Foster), the winderkind of the D.E.B.S. and her mortal enemy. The two fall in love and Amy must weigh the expectations of her peers with the expectations of her heart. Also Michael Clarke Duncan is a hologram and Devon Aoki has an atrocious french accent.

Featuring special gusts Valeah Beckwith and Danielle Nasr!

Your Stupid Minds makes its triumphant return to the "family" genre with another talking dog movie in the spirit of our Cool Dog episode: it's Bailey's Billion$! Jon Lovitz plays Bailey, a talking dog that only Theo Maxwell (Dean Cain, Lois and Clark:The New Adventures of Superman) can understand. Can Bailey help Theo set up a triple love connection between Bailey and another dog, Theo and beautiful animal rights advocate Marge Maggs (Laurie Holden, The Walking Dead), and creepy weird kid Max and Marge's daughter Sam? Or will the dastardly Caspar Pennington (Tim Curry, Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas) and his wife Dolores (Jennifer Tilly, American Strays) ruin everything by kidnapping and/or murdering everyone to get their hands on Bailey's fortune? Tune in to find out!

Travel back with us as we appreciate 25 things that only 90s kids will get: all of which take place in the movie Generation X! A mere four short years before Fox's breakout hit X-Men (nearly 300 million worldwide), came Generation X (0 dollars worldwide), the final Marvel film made by New World Pictures, the former owners of Marvel Comics and the studio that gave us The Punisher, Captain America, and The Fantastic Four (New World was bought out by 20th Century Fox in 1997). Unlike Fantastic Four, this film was released on television, where it was apparently pitched as a TV pilot. It was not picked up. Join us as we discuss mutant power levels, dream dimensions, and Jim Carrey's performance in Batman Forever.

Our first foray into the pudgy ponytailed Judo master Steven Seagal, it’s one of his earliest films: Hard to Kill! Mason Storm is the greatest cop in the world, fantastic father, amazing lover, and extremely well hung. When he’s gunned down by the mob while having hot sex with his gorgeous wife, he’s in a coma for seven years and misses the transition of one (1) president. He awakens in 1990 to find the mob still after him, and his British nurse (Kelly LeBrock) hitting on his unconscious body. See Steven Seagal snap necks, suck in his gut, and run like a little girl.

From the studio that brought you the Lord of the Rings trilogy, it's the vastly inferior fantasy tale Dungeons & Dragons! Taking a cue from Star Wars (by which we mean ripped off wholesale), D&D tells the story of the thief Ridley (Justin Whalen) and his cowardly black stereotype friend Snails (Marlon Wayans). The pair teams up with a mage, dwarf, and elf to get a map to acquire the jewel to get the rod to do something or whatever. Also starring Thora Birch as the Amidala-like empress, and the always amazing Jeremy Irons as the evil mage Profion. Chris and Nick compare the movie to other fantasy dreck (such as the eerily similar Eragon, also starring Irons), the anti-Semitic Legolas in The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, why the Hero's Journey doesn't work for a D&D movie, and who thought it was a good idea to add areolae to the Elf's breastplate.

If you enjoy Pulp Fiction, you'll love our latest review: American Strays! It's a movie that feels like a grad school writing project written the day after watching Pulp Fiction! Like Pulp Fiction, it features an all-star ensemble cast, as Eric Roberts (DOA, The Expendables), Sam Jones (Flash Gordon), Luke Perry (90210), John Savage (The Godfather Part 3), Scott Plank (recurring on Melrose Place), Jennifer Tilly (Bride of Chucky), and Carol Kane (everything) all feature in several interconnecting extended monologues delivered by various criminals. Join us as we discuss tragic real-life shootings, wonder how bad diner service can get, and ponder if this is the worst Eric Roberts performance we've ever seen. Guest starring museum librarian and power listener Sarah Long.

We finally cover the much maligned, needlessly complex, and American-ified The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen starring Sean Connery in his last big-screen role. Sloppily adapted from an Alan Moore comic, LXG as Moore would not want to call it is about a group of British literary characters who form the first super team at the end of the 19th century. Allan Quatermain, Mina Harker, Dorian Gray, the Invisible Man, Mr. Hyde, Captain Nemo and (sigh) Tom Sawyer team up to stop the Fantom, who seeks to… blow up some things and… steal some powers. Chris and Nick discuss plans for a B-Team League, as well as a super team featuring real characters of history. A poor impersonation of Ira Glass appears to plead for your support.

You WILL get fooled again… with another vampire episode before we finish out October. It's the exploitation direct-to-Showtime comic book adaptation, 1996's Vampirella. On the planet Drakulon, featuring a race of alien Vampires that drinks rivers of blood, Vampirella (Talisa Soto, a.k.a. Kitana from Mortal Kombat) travels to earth to avenge her father's murder by the puffy-shirted Vlad (Roger Daltrey of The Who/YEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH). The sexily dressed vamp retains none of the weaknesses of Vlad's dumb vampire clan, and she works with the secret MIB-style organization PURGE and its hotshot agent Adam Van Helsing (Richard Joseph Paul) to bring Vlad down and teach the earth a thing or who about bloodsucking, cleavage, and child murder.

Dario Argento returns with his unique take on the well-traversed Dracula story... but this time in 3D! Daughter Asia Argento and Rutger Hauer get in on the fun as we explore the wonders of CGI wolves, horrible French accents, poorly-designed jails, nudity, partially rendered computer animation, and giant killer praying mantises. Everything you remember from Bram Stoker's seminal work! The always hilarious Adam Pecht guest stars in this episode.

One of the most infuriating movies of all time, it's Miley Cyrus's vanity project LOL! About a bunch of privileged, Adonis-like bourgeois white kids from inner-city Chicago, LOL sets itself up as social commentary and then never delivers. Featuring Queen Twerker Miley Cyrus as the obnoxious Lola, the film putters around for a while before deciding to include a trip to 18th century France and an obligatory third act battle of the bands.

Your Stupid Minds returns to its roots with a very special "wrestler" themed podcast as we review the 2000 buddy/road movie/wrestling commercial Ready to Rumble. David Arquette and Scott Caan play two... sanitation workers(?) that love wrestling, and when evil promoter Titus Sinclair (Joe Pantoliano) performs a classic "screwjob" to take the belt from their hero, Jimmy King (Oliver Platt), the two help to train King for his big re-match with the evil Diamond Dallas Page.

By listener request, it's 2003's epic Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez flop Gigli! Two low-level mobsters kidnap the mentally handicapped brother (Justin Bartha) of the District Attorney and house him in Ben Affleck's lush Los Angeles condo. Meanwhile Jennifer Lopez goes on long rambling rants about how great her vagina is, and Justin Bartha sings "Baby Got Back" in mentally handicapped blackface. We discuss Al Pacino's descent into acting madness, the unrealistic stage-y nature of this film, its (possibly exaggerated) reputation, and eerie casting parallels to Tommy Wiseau's The Room.

Jonah Hex begs the question "Is an 81 minute movie with no plot still a movie?" Starring Josh Brolin, John Malkovich, Megan Fox, and Michael Fassbender, Hex goes after Quentin Turnbull, the man who murdered his family and scarred his face. Meanwhile Turnbull executes a series of daring raids to assemble a superweapon designed by none-other than famous inventor guy Eli Whitney! Our special guest Pat Regan, who portrayed an extra in the film, provides us with exclusive anecdotes from the set, be it the second unit's insightful direction ("do some stuff!") or the insane Civil War re-enactors the production hired instead of stuntmen.

It's Who Framed Roger Rabbit for perverts: 1992's Cool World! Holli Would (Kim Basinger), a nymphomaniac cartoon character attempts to seduce Jack Deebs (Gabriel Byrne), a hugely popular comic book creator who may be suffering from mental problems. Holli draws Jack into the "cool world," a horrible nightmare world where cartoon characters murder each other all day. Meanwhile Detective Frank Harris (Pitt) tries to keep the peace and enforce the most important law of Cool World: that noids (humans) and doodles (cartoons) cannot, under any circumstances, have sex.

Stock up on quarters and let's head down to the arcade. It's Uwe Boll's first foray into the video game movie with 2003's House of the Dead. A group of teenage 20-something 30 year olds bribe a cartoonish fisherman (Clint Howard) and a grizzled U-Boat captain (Jürgen Prochnow) into taking them to an island in the Pacific Northwest for the most awesomest daytime rave coastal British Columbia has ever seen! They're attacked by zombies and an insane Spanish scientist who wants to be immortal by living forever. Featuring special guest Nathan Smith.

We prep for this weekend's Pacific Rim with the OTHER non-Japanese live-action robot fighting movie: Stuart Gordon's Robot Jox! In a post apocalyptic world where war is banned, noted illiterate Achilles (Gary Graham) wows the drunken NASCAR crowd with his elite robot fighting skills against the thinly-veiled Soviet Alexander (Paul Koslo), as they duke it out for precious Alaskan resources. Also there is a robot chainsaw penis.

Special guest and resident James Bond expert Vincent Goodwin picks one of his most loathed 007 films: 1977's The Spy Who Loved Me. Starring Roger Moore as Bond, and Ringo Starr's coked-out wife Barbara Bach as the porno inspired Agent XXX, this one features the super-ish villain Stromberg as he kidnaps way more nuclear subs than he needs in order to fulfill his lifelong fantasy of a world under the sea. The film also introduces the metal-toothed Jaws (Richard Kiel) and makes very little sense, jumping from action setpiece to action setpiece as Roger Moore diddles around in front of a rear projection screen and insults women drivers. It does feature the great but bizarrely mellow karaoke staple "Nobody Does It Better" as its theme.

M. Night Shyamalan writes and directs this adaptation of the popular Nickelodean show. It has the same skilled writing and energized fight scenes as the show except not at all. It's actually a stilted rushed mess that muddies up the quality of the source material, laden with lazy exposition and non-sensical character mood swings. And everyone mispronounces their own names. Starring the kid from Slumdog Millionaire and no one else.

The dour looking woman from Men in Black and Dogma (Linda Fiorentino) and David Caruso (YEEEAAAAHHHHHHH!!!) star in this Joe Eszterhas-penned William Friedkin directed erotic thriller about a detective Assistant District Attorney investigating his ex-girlfriend as a possible murderer. Aside being very well shot, and some really awesome car chases, this leaves something to be desired. The ending is also especially infuriating.

Take a ride with Chris and Nick through the streets of Tokyo as 30 year old teenager Sean (Lucas Black) learns the ins and outs of balding his tires with ruthless efficiency in The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift. Bow Wow appears as a normal teenager who deals not drugs and Sonny Chiba classes up this movie about ten fold.

Get ready for some ancient Roman sword and sandal fun! Except for, of course, the 25 minute rape torture dungeon lull in the third act. It's Roger Cormon's Red Sonja ripoff Barbarian Queen! Starring Phil Spector's murder victim (Lana Clarkson), the Queen embarks on an ill-conceived mission to avenge her village's destruction and rescue her hunky fiance Argan.

Journey with us, gentle listener, as we go back to a simpler time. A more wholesome time. A time before Hollywood had put the Hays Code into force. A time when America looked for a hero to create jobs, put an end to gangsterism, and finally shut down Congress once and for all! In 1933 MGM gave us such a hero in Gabriel Over the White House, the stirring story of a man getting hit on the head and hearing angelic voices that tell him to heroically bully his way into becoming a benevolent dictator.

A surprising number of good comedic actors star in this big budget squeakeuel. Alvin and the gang send Dave (Jason Lee) to the hospital with what I assume is an irreversible spinal injury, so they go off to high school to complete in some charity concert. Meanwhile their conniving former manager Ian (David Cross) uses his new act the Chipettes, a demographically equal female version of the Chipmunks, to sabotage the brothers by singing "Single Ladies" twelve times in a row. Also there's a football game and I think they pilot an RC helicopter.

Kristin Kreuk and Chris Klein star in this kind of sequel to 1994's Street Fighter. When Chun-Li is given a mysterious scroll, she engages in her own hero's journey to find out if her father is still alive. Or is it defeat Bison? Or clean up the slums of Bangkok? Meanwhile Chris Klein squints his way through his role as an Interpol agent hot on her heels. Or Bison's. Also everyone knows magic.

Molly Ringwald and Ernie Hudson (a.k.a. the black Ghostbuster) star in 1983's 3D Star Wars ripoff bonanza, about a Han Solo type (Peter Strauss) who travels to a desert planet to save some hot earth women from the lecherous Overdog (Michael Ironside). What is absent is a significant amount of hunting in space, and we're not entirely sure how forbidden this zone is. Produced by Ivan Reitman and part of the resurgence of crappy 3D movies in the early 80s with incredibly long names.

The movie that made Elizabeth Berkley into a household name and paid Joe Eszterhas three million dollars, Showgirls is a "camp classic," according to its own DVD box cover blurb. What can we say about Showgirls that hasn't already been said? A positive Slant article almost ten years after release called it "essential" and "an honest satire" while Ebert said it was "not quite unredeemably bad," and "less perverse than Basic Instinct" (which featured the same writer and director).

Charles Bronson plays Batman with a gun in Michael Winner's third installment of the five-part movie series about elderly architect turned vigilante Paul Kersey, who returns to New York to wage war on a 1980s gang of reverse mohawked punks who use overwhelming numbers and unlimited resources to hassle poor old people in an inner-city neighborhood.

Larry Clark (Kids, Bully) breaks from his standard "teens do drugs and get in trouble" plot to present a post-apocalyptic wasteland... for teens to do drugs and get in trouble. It's kind of like Battlefield Earth, but cheaper, with worse acting, and 10,000% more recreational drug use.

Palestinian terrorists kidnap the president's daughter and demand that their comrades be set free by the Israeli government. The one man who can stop these maniacs? You guessed it: Frank Stallone!

In our special Christmas Eve episode, Chris, Nick, and special guest Emily Phillips dive in to the garbage pile and pull up this bizarre cut up of a low budget Santa slaying fiasco. After the first film was banned in a number of theaters, the producers wanted to slice up the first movie--about a damaged boy who goes on a revenge killing spree dressed as Santa Claus--into an all new less gory version. Instead, the writer and director insisted on shooting new footage, adding a psychotic and much buffer younger brother with more expressive eyebrows. Where the infamous "GARBAGE DAY" clip originated.

It's Michael Keaton in perhaps his greatest role: Snow Dad! I mean, Jack Frost, the title character of the 1998 Warner Bros. family film (not to be confused with the 1997 horror film of the same name) that features CGI snow men, white guy blues music, and an adolescent dealing with his father's tragic death. Fun for the whole family!

Ayn Rand's epic 1,168 page fetishization of capitalism finally comes to the big screen. It's 2016 in OBAMA'S AMERICA and Dagny Taggart (Taylor Shilling) tries to competently run her railroad while drooling liberal strawmen attempt to stop her at every turn. Meanwhile a mysterious John Galt (Paul Johannson) kidnaps (and possibly murders) middle managers around the country.

Faye Dunaway and Peter O'Toole star in this 80s box office bomb. Kara Zor-El (Helen Slater) escapes the lost Kryptonian Argo City to retrieve the precious power source which she carelessly sucked out of the airlock. She emerges on earth as Supergirl, where she is pursued by hunks, an evil witch, and Lois Lane's teenage sister who kind of resembles Rachel Dratch.

Christopher Lambert and Sean Connery return in this much despised sequel to the Queen soundtracked 1986 movie. This time around MacLeod (Lambert) is an old mortal man with an elderly Jewish woman's voice, and Ramirez (Connery) is back from the dead, destined to destroy the giant shield around the earth and kill the needlessly evil General Katana (Michael Ironside).

Wolverine is back, baby! Hugh Jackman returns in this origin story for Marvel's favorite character, which lies in the purgatory between X3's abject awfulness and X-Men: First Class's complete series reboot. Pulling from the Origins comic, the film completely kajiggers Wolverine's story to make him the hero of and reason for the creation of the X-Men. Also included: bone claws, yelling "NOOOOO" a lot, modern 70s HD screens, and Gambit.

Dolph Lundgren and Uwe Boll collaborate (finally!) in this redundantly titled sequel to Boll's 2007 Lord of the Rings ripoff. This time around Boll directs a dull Army of Darkness ripoff, where Dolph plays an special forces veteran who is sent back in time (and also to another dimension) to defeat the Holy Mother and definitely not the weasel-faced King Raven.

Tom Atkins stars in this 1986 homage to horror and sci fi throughout the ages. A town is beseiged by alien brainslugs, and it's up to Detective Cameron and his college buddy Chris to stop them. Nick also regales everyone with an embarassing story in a movie theater and why he loves everyone, especially the handicapped.

Roger Corman presents this nearly forgotten Fantastic Four adaptation of the early 90s. To this day the movie isn't given a benefit of a proper release and must be acquired through grainy VHS bootlegs.

A loose cannon with a troubled past takes on a nearly impossible mission to rescue the president's daughter in a floating space prison. Starring Guy Pearce, Peter Stormare, and Maggie Grace.

A German Shepherd named Rainy (hereafter referred to as "Cool Dog") is abandoned by his family in New Orleans and makes a cross country trek to New York to reunite (by way of the Colorado Rockies).

Guns, girls, and fast car in Russ Meyer's classic 1965 skin flick. A trio of gogo dancers head out to the desert because of reasons and leave a trail of broken hearts and broken backs.

John Travolta stars in this epic sci-fi flop inspired by the psychology-hating 1,000 page novel of the same name. Chris and Nick discuss the awful cinematography, hammy acting, Razzie's mediocrity, and why John Travolta is the worst.

Paris Hilton stars in a movie so bad that Nick's famous sleep defense mechanism kicked in and he was unable to finish it. That didn't stop the duo from giving it a go. Paris Hilton and famous advertising actor Joel David Moore star in this There's Something About Mary ripoff, where JDM must get through Paris's hideous troll beast of a best friend in order to bag the sex.

Your favorite dragon-based Star Wars ripoff is on the chopping block this fortnight with 2006's Eragon, based on the Chrisopher Paolini novel of the same name based on the fictional blonde kid of the same name. Starring Edward Speleers (Eragon/Luke), Jeremy Irons (Brom/Obi Wan), Garrett Hedlund (Murtagh/Han), Rachel Weisz (Saphira/The Force), and John Malcovich (Galbatorix/The Emperor).

Wrestler John Cena runs like a fat kid with his pants too tight through 12 rounds of impossible Grand Theft Auto-like challenges in order to save his girlfriend from an insane Irish arms dealer. Starring John Cena, Aiden Gillen, and that guy from The Practice.

Chris and Nick investigate the notorious 1986 flop Howard the Duck with discussion of unconvincing special effects, George Lucas's rolodex of dwarves, and duck titties. Starring Lea Thompson, Ed Gale, Tim Robbins, and Jeffrey Jones.

Nick and Chris dig into the 1998 epic spy flop The Avengers, starring Uma Thurman, Ralph Fiennes, Sean Connery, and Eddie Izzard.