Goblet Of Wine: A Drunken British Harry Potter Podcast

It's time for the episode where YOU lovely people get to yell at US! But you're all really lovely, turns out.

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WE'RE BACK! After an unexpectedly long break, we're FINALLY back with the film episode! We're chatting about Argentina being in Europe, awkward laughing, Dumbledore giving Harry busy work, and laughing so hard one of us queefs. Classy.

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Well hello again everyone. After 30 chapters we're finally at the end of Half Blood Prince, and what a journey it's been! In this episode we bash one of our favourite european nations - Germany! First we compliment their alcohol and cruely ruin it all by making jokes about German holiday-makers. We also discuss the Eras tour, how Hogwarts never runs their exams, and how book 6 is great because it isn't book 5 - enjoy!

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Ello ello ello. Join us as we drink Taylor Swift themed cocktails (shut up, haters) and chat about chapter 29 of the half blood prince. We discuss Dumbledore's reputation, mansplaining, and how Hogwarts definitely has a morgue.

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Hi Swifties! We *aren't* eating rotten shark, but we are eating and drinking many other Icelandic things! So join us as we discuss Neville being observant, the end of childhood, Snake's slutty little ankles, and how easy it is to kill babies.

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Alright guvna? Today we're drinking every fucking alcohol we own, ew. We're announcing the winners of the house cup, Hogwarts being violated, and of course, Snape Unaliving Dumbledore. 

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OMG it's WITCH PLEASE?! For some reason Marcelle and Hannah stooped to our level and agreed to come on Goblet of Wine, and somehow, actually lowered the tone?! Who'd have thunk it. Around some slight technical issues, we discuss Voldemort being sticky, BYOB (bring your own boat) and...anal secretions? Witch Please - https://www.ohwitchplease.ca/https://www.ohwitchplease.ca/ HP TV Show Petition: https://actionnetwork.org/petitions/nohptv/ Enjoy Harry Potter Without Funding JK Masterlist - https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/19H9-NRMfaISLNMAaLSssQFrNy8dUTR3Jeq6oioK4OwQ/edit?usp=sharing Merch - https://www.redbubble.com/people/gobletofwine/shop?asc=u www.gobletofwine.co.uk   patreon.com/gobletofwine  Twitter.com/gobletofwinepod    Instagram.com/gobletofwinepodcast www.facebook.com/gobletofwinepodcast https://www.tiktok.com/@gobletofwinepod?lang=en https://www.youtube.com/@gobletofwinepodcast

Ello ello, new episode time! We're chatting about chapter 25 of the half blood prince (eek, we're so close to the end!), about tarot cards, holocaust metaphors, and trust. Plus, Todd and Misu facetime. Awh.

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Bonjour, welcome back to your favourite podcast run by two fully functional alcoholics. Join us discussing chaper 24 of the half blood prince, aka unforgivable curses, nearly headless nick, and crotons. Charlie also gets stuck in some jeans, and we talk at length about our love of Notion:

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HOLE IN THE WALL! We're backkkk, and again, Neil is holding us at gun point and forcing us to let him guest, ew. We're talking about prophecies and the 'chosen one', how fantasy should always have a massive worm, love being lame, and how many vegetables you can hold at once (no, this isn't a euphemism). 

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Ello ello. We're back...and unfortunately, Neil is back too! He's weaselled his way onto the podcast again. And he forced us to drink Dragon Soop, the bastard. We're chatting about Snugglehorn, how Voldemort should have been minister for magic, how much soul he has, and then eventually Charlie gets distracted by corn and stops contributing to the episode.

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Ooooh shiny new camera! Wooo! Shiny new episode! Wooo!

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Welcome back to YET ANOTHER VIDEO PODCAST! Yes, we're still really excited about this. We're chatting chapter 21 of Half Blood Prince, about Roonil Waslib, Harry being a nonce that's good at owning slaves, and not fucking your cousin.

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Welcome to our MOST EXCITING EPISODE EVER! We're celebrating the biggest, most exciting thing that's ever happened to Goblet Of Wine. 

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LOOK! IT'S OUR SEXY, SEXY FACES! HOW LUSH! Unless you're not listening to this via Spotify, in which case, why not. Or YouTube. Get with the times! When we aren't gazing lovingly into each others eyes (which you can see for once!!) we're discussing chapter 19 of the half blood prince. Charlie sings a beautiful rendition of Spider In The Bath, and talks about how much she hates minorities (please, no one edit her sarcasm). 

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WE'RE BACK BABY! In today's episode we are POISONED by a VILE Canadian CUNT called Em, who made us drink a drink sooo vile that we for the first time ever couldn't drink it. Aka a Ceaser. When we aren't gagging, we talk about chapter 18 of Goblet Of Fire, bathroom cabinets, slughorn's singing abilities, bad teaching and Neville's assless chaps. Enjoy Harry Potter Without Funding JK Masterlist - https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/19H9-NRMfaISLNMAaLSssQFrNy8dUTR3Jeq6oioK4OwQ/edit?usp=sharing Merch - https://www.redbubble.com/people/gobletofwine/shop?asc=u www.gobletofwine.co.uk   patreon.com/gobletofwine  Twitter.com/gobletofwinepod    Instagram.com/gobletofwinepodcast www.facebook.com/gobletofwinepodcast https://www.tiktok.com/@gobletofwinepod?lang=en

IT'S CHRISTMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS! It's time for a 5th Christmas special and this year we're back with writing bad fanfiction using patreon prompts. This year we're drinking hot mulled balsams while making mad stories about the scarf of sexual preference, hot crocs, defiling the sorting hat, and the worst Christmas song you've ever heard in your life, featuring Taylor Swift and Buffy The Vampire Slayer - All Too Bem. 

Michael McIntyre juice joke 

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Hello hello! In today's episode we're discussing chapter 17 of Half Blood Prince, and Hannah gets herself cancelled by talking about how sexy children are, specifically, orphans. We also drink Balsams gifted to us by a Patreon Alex, and attempt to speak Latvian in his honour. 

Orphan guy: www.tiktok.com/@isaach.p

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Happy December everyone! Today we're drinking some fancy milky liquid and risking the fact Charlie might sh*t herself mid-episode. In this episode we begin to get a bit festive, discuss werewolf representation, how inventing spells actually works, and everyone's favourite fun topic ... war propaganda? Oh and Fred's wonderful buttock. 

History & Folkore podcast by Holly Medland - https://open.spotify.com/show/2g4jLkfikZwWNYCZMjh54M?si=827d68fe57314c03

Why Do Maps Show Places That Don't Exist by Map Men - https://youtu.be/DeiATy-FfjI

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Üdvözöljük! Today's episode is dedicated to the lovely Dorka (and the country of Hungary) who provided us with one of this episodes alcohols, and also very kindly voice noted in for us. In today's episode, as well as offending the entire country of Hungary, we discuss chapter 15 of the half blood prince. We chat about Christmas, Danielle Radcliffe having a second puberty, Harry's sex dreams, Ron being the worst, and Taylor Swift (obviously).

Content warnings:

Spiking - 3 minutes

Drugging: 33 minutes

Victim blaming: 1 hour

Here's the translation we were reading:

CHARLIE Én pedig charlie vagyok, és két húszévesen újraolvassuk kedvenc gyerekkori könyvünket alkohollal és cinizmussal

HANNAH Üdvözöljük a borospohárban, egy részeg Harry Potter podcastban Hannah vagyok

HANNAH A mai epizódban a Harry Potter és a félvér herceg 15. fejezetét olvassuk

CHARLIE szóval vegyél egy pohár kedvenc alkoholos italodból, és csatlakozz hozzánk ezen a részeg visszaemlékező utazáson

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The *longest* awaited collab - we're FINALLY sitting down and chatting with Meg & Kate from Swish & Flick! We're drinking Schofferhofer and chatting about chapter 14 of Half Blood Prince. We're discussing Ron & Hermione's romance, gamp's law again, and male emotions.

https://www.swishflickcast.com/

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This episode is dedicated to Alex, a member of our community who sadly passed away last year. Our fundraiser for Mermaids is linked below. 

Content warnings:

Suicide & transphobia - 11 minutes to 17:15, and 44:55 to 47

Wretching noises - 19:30 to 24:30

Mermaids Fundraiser for Alex - https://www.gofundme.com/f/2s554-in-memory-of-alex

The Gayly Prophet's Guide To Firing JK Rowling - https://hashtagruthless.com/ 

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Hello hello! In today's episode we're *finally* sitting down with Lark and Jessie from The Gayly Prophet to discuss chapter 12 of The Half Blood Prince. We're drinking Orange Blossom's and talking about drunk McGonagall, how inventing spells work, and the invisible curriculum.

The Gayly Prophet - https://hashtagruthless.com/ 

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100TH EPISODE! We did this 100 times and NO ONE STOPPED US! Including the Leakycon staff who LET US DO IT LIVE AT LEAKYCON! Join us live as we discuss chapter 11, quidditch tryouts, Harry trampling first years, Hagrid, and time turners.

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Oooh, what's occur gin? HELLO! We're back for our first episode post-Leaky! We're doing our Leakycon recap as well as discussing chapter 10 of Half-Blood Prince. We're talking about how incest is bad (shocking I know), Bob's big dick energy, the Pensieve auto-playing, love potions, and how Voldemort is a cranky dude who loves murder.

Content Warning: Domestic and sexual violence throughout the episode especially from 1 hour in.

All the fabulous people we mentioned from Leakycon:

Fanatical Fics - https://www.fanaticalfics.com/

WZRD Radio Podcast - https://wzrdradiopod.com/

Swish & Flick - https://www.swishflickcast.com/

Potterless - https://www.potterlesspodcast.com/

Tonks & The Aurors - https://www.tonksandtheaurors.com/

How Airplanes Fly - https://howairplanesfly.bandcamp.com/

Lauren Fairweather - https://www.laurenfairweather.com/

Hawthorn and Holly - https://hawthornandholly.com/

Chanel Williams - https://www.instagram.com/chanwills/?hl=en

Cherry Wallis - https://www.instagram.com/cherrywallis/?hl=en

Rhonda - https://twitter.com/KimsMom3

Spreadsheet of what we've drunk - https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1g_llk8Q7guQOYkkRz8qQT1-xf7GqOSP7u1KRMxl2TPU/edit?usp=sharing

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Welcome welcome to another guest episode! This week we're chatting to our friend Nikita about chapter 9 whilst drinking Pimms in excruciating heat. We discuss body fluids, school timetables and free periods, Ron side-kicking, genetics, and overall poor teaching.

Enjoy Harry Potter Without Funding JK Masterlist - https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/19H9-NRMfaISLNMAaLSssQFrNy8dUTR3Jeq6oioK4OwQ/edit?usp=sharing

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ELLO ELLO! We drank Amortentia and we didn't fall in love! Hurray! In today's episode we're inventing amortentia drinks and chatting about patronuses, non-uniform day, and the ever-changing layout of the great hall.

Leakycon Schedule: http://www.leakycon.com/orlando-2022-schedule/

Leakycon Tickets (use code GOBLET for $10 off): https://www.showclix.com/event/leakycon21-orlando/tag/topnav

Enjoy Harry Potter Without Funding JK Masterlist - https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/19H9-NRMfaISLNMAaLSssQFrNy8dUTR3Jeq6oioK4OwQ/edit?usp=sharing

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It's been months since we recorded, we are back and we're drinking tubby custard (or amaretto sours as it's also known). In this episode, we talk about chapter 7 of Half Blood Prince, with added eggs, Harry's incredible character growth (sometimes), how hot Blaise Zabini is and how much everyone dunks on Tonks.

Leakycon Schedule: http://www.leakycon.com/orlando-2022-schedule/

Leakycon Tickets (use code GOBLET for $10 off): https://www.showclix.com/event/leakycon21-orlando/tag/topnav

Enjoy Harry Potter Without Funding JK Masterlist - https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/19H9-NRMfaISLNMAaLSssQFrNy8dUTR3Jeq6oioK4OwQ/edit?usp=sharing

Merch - https://www.redbubble.com/people/gobletofwine/shop?asc=u

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We're back, and just us! In today's episode we're covering chapter 6 of HBP, and talking about the weird people we fancy, Hermione's parents, how we fall asleep tonight, and LOVE POTIONS!

Content Warning: 57 minutes - rape

Enjoy Harry Potter Without Funding JK Masterlist - https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/19H9-NRMfaISLNMAaLSssQFrNy8dUTR3Jeq6oioK4OwQ/edit?usp=sharing

Merch - https://www.redbubble.com/people/gobletofwine/shop?asc=u

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Hello and welcome back to another episode with Will & Nick from Flyte! We are *ridiculously* smashed in this episode, so slurring our way through the rest of chapter five, talking about Harry's boner, exam results, Fleur, and Mollywobbles.

Fltye's music - https://open.spotify.com/artist/3ZKyADicHqelBDeADLutiu?si=W5QgbxigRvuU6QZShs4t0A

Flyte's Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/__flyte__/

Flyte's Twitter - https://twitter.com/Flyteband

Enjoy Harry Potter Without Funding JK Masterlist - https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/19H9-NRMfaISLNMAaLSssQFrNy8dUTR3Jeq6oioK4OwQ/edit?usp=sharing

The TikTok we mentioned - https://www.tiktok.com/@i_am_a_toad_/video/7078035596299472170?_t=8R1DIWfEBeA&_r=1

Merch - https://www.redbubble.com/people/gobletofwine/shop?asc=u

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Well Hey, Hi and Hello it's time for episode 93! In today's episode we're joined by the wonderful band Flyte to discuss a very small amount of Chapter 5 - An Excess of Phlegm. We discuss the word phlegm, Hermione's apparent lack of parents, really hot soup and get beautifully serenaded by Will and Nick.

Fltye's music - https://open.spotify.com/artist/3ZKyADicHqelBDeADLutiu?si=W5QgbxigRvuU6QZShs4t0A

Flyte's Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/__flyte__/

Flyte's Twitter - https://twitter.com/Flyteband

Enjoy Harry Potter Without Funding JK Masterlist - https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/19H9-NRMfaISLNMAaLSssQFrNy8dUTR3Jeq6oioK4OwQ/edit?usp=sharing

The TikTok we mentioned - https://www.tiktok.com/@i_am_a_toad_/video/7078035596299472170?_t=8R1DIWfEBeA&_r=1

Merch - https://www.redbubble.com/people/gobletofwine/shop?asc=u

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WE HAVE SOME NEWS! And also...a new episode. Join us as we reveal what we've been teasing for *ages* and talk about Slughorn being everyone's racist uncle and what we'd do in a zombie apocalypse. Content Warning: SA 52:00-54:00 Use code 'GOBLET' for $10 off your LeakyCon tickets: http://www.leakycon.com/ Enjoy Harry Potter Without Funding JK Masterlist - https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/19H9-NRMfaISLNMAaLSssQFrNy8dUTR3Jeq6oioK4OwQ/edit?usp=sharing The TikTok we mentioned - https://www.tiktok.com/@i_am_a_toad_/video/7078035596299472170?_t=8R1DIWfEBeA&_r=1 Merch - https://www.redbubble.com/people/gobletofwine/shop?asc=u www.gobletofwine.co.uk   patreon.com/gobletofwine    Twitter.com/gobletofwinepod    Instagram.com/gobletofwinepodcast www.facebook.com/gobletofwinepodcast https://www.tiktok.com/@gobletofwinepod?lang=en

Velkommen tilbake til en ny episode! I dagens episode fornærmer vi hele Norge, Hannah drikker COVID og fekal materie, vi diskuterer å nå en million nedlastinger og snakker om å besøke farealliert.

Enjoy Harry Potter Without Funding JK Masterlist - https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/19H9-NRMfaISLNMAaLSssQFrNy8dUTR3Jeq6oioK4OwQ/edit?usp=sharing

The TikTok we mentioned - https://www.tiktok.com/@i_am_a_toad_/video/7078035596299472170?_t=8R1DIWfEBeA&_r=1

Merch - https://www.redbubble.com/people/gobletofwine/shop?asc=u

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This episode is dedicated to Abby.

Gofundme - https://www.gofundme.com/f/christopher-graf-education-fund?utm_campaign=p_cp+share-sheet&utm_medium=copy_link_all&utm_source=customer

Enjoy Harry Potter Without Funding JK Masterlist - https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/19H9-NRMfaISLNMAaLSssQFrNy8dUTR3Jeq6oioK4OwQ/edit?usp=sharing

Merch - https://www.redbubble.com/people/gobletofwine/shop?asc=u

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SZN SIX BBY! We're kicking off Half-Blood Prince drinking jam out of a teapot (ofc) and encouraging you not to engage with JK Rowling's content. We 👏 don't 👏 support 👏 terfs 👏 on 👏 this 👏 podcast 👏. We're discussing our memories of book 6 whilst reading one of our favourite chapters, The Other Minister.

Enjoy Harry Potter Without Funding JK Masterlist - https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/19H9-NRMfaISLNMAaLSssQFrNy8dUTR3Jeq6oioK4OwQ/edit?usp=sharing

The TikTok we mentioned - https://www.tiktok.com/@i_am_a_toad_/video/7078035596299472170?_t=8R1DIWfEBeA&_r=1

Merch - https://www.redbubble.com/people/gobletofwine/shop?asc=u

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What's this?! A new episode format, wow! We're wrapping up season 5 of the podcast with a first-ever listener phone in episode! A GIANT thank you to Alex, Anna, Arthur, Cameron, Indiana, Jessica, Klaudia, Mark, Megan, Nahima, Nicole, Olivia, Rachel, Rhiannon, Spencer, Sunny, Uncle A for their howlers. 

Merch

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It's film episode timeeeee. Featuring...A WHITE MAN! *gasp* Yup, y'all get to 'meet' Charlie's BF Conor, what a big step, wow. We chat about the Order Of The Pheonix film whilst drinking some bastardised Guiness drinks and about Ron being minimised, fake feet, and Harry's owl drawings.

Conor's writing on No Sleep Podcast - https://open.spotify.com/episode/38Tjz8iVdigcSsE1guzTkw?si=99124c0833dc4e37

Merch

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IT'S THE FINAL CHAPTERRRR! That's right we've *finally* finished Order of the Pheonix, and it only took us...two years? Strap in for us drinking Guinness, announcing the winner of the house cup, talking about Harry finding the mirror, Luna being bullied, Ginny being a slut, and answering the funniest end of episode question we've ever had.

Wanna send us a howler? And be featured in an episode of Goblet of Wine? Now’s your chance!

- We’re accepting voice notes about anything to do with Order Of The Phoenix! This could be theories, head canons, things we missed, questions, anything! If you’re the kind of person that listens to us and has to stop yourself replying out loud, now is your chance!

- We’d love voice notes (your phone audio will do just nicely) however if you’re really shy, we can read out an email

- Tips for sound quality: don’t record in large, echoy rooms, don’t be too far or too close from the microphone. Style it out Harry Potter style and record in the cupboard under your stairs, closet, or under the duvet covers.

- Please try to keep them within 2 minutes. We won’t blame you if they’re 2:23 seconds. But please don’t send 15 minute voice notes or we won’t be able to fit everyone in.

- Howlers must be sent by email attachment to [email protected] by the 11th of March with the subject ‘howler for your attention’

- Please don’t actually yell at us. We’re very fragile.

Merch

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Strap yourselves in for a lomg but gud episode! We're chatting about the cluster fuck that is chapter 37 whilst drinking Cranberry Vodka. So settle in as we discuss Phineas being a gossiping homosexual, Harry never asking about his parents, Dumbledore's porn addiction, and how shit the epilogue is. Hannah goes full Hannah and has made an entirely timeline of the last few chapters events (link below), Charlie goes full Charlie by making a bunch of references to different media, and we go Goblet of Wine by attempting to direct an entire scene of our imaginary HP TV show.

Hannah's Insane Person Timeline - https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/176kyZoea5nOFsm3HI-LVh4j9b4lVtA0W_eTokSHXF8o/edit?usp=sharing

Merch

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We're backkkkk! And we missed youuuuu. After taking a (short) break to get on top of things (aka emotionally recover from Sirius' death), we're back and we're drinking THE WORST THING WE'VE EVER DRUNK ON THE PODCAST! Once we finished gagging, we chatted about Andrew Scott, Name Of The Wind, Harry being gay for Sirius (RIP), Mad Eye and Tonks, and Black wizarding history.

Merch

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Hope you all had a Merry Christmas! Now be miserable with this episode talking about Sirius dying, unforgivable curses, Hermione potentially being dead, neville being and idiot, and Pluto no longer being a planet. Cry, bitch.

Watch the pub crawl: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6lkwRkBCMKM&t=14s

Donate to the charity pub crawl: https://www.gofundme.com/f/goblet-of-wine-monopoly-charity-pub-crawl?utm_campaign=p_lico+share-sheet+spider1v&utm_medium=copy_link&utm_source=customer

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Merry Christmas Eve! We're back with another festive special and this time we've chosen CHAOS (when do we not!) We're reimagining the British Christmas classic Love Actually into the Hogwarts universe. Think Colin Creevey killing muggle-borns, Percy Weasley being a horny secretary and George fucking 5 french girls. Grab a glass of mulled wine or a festive Eggnog and join us for a drunken Christmas ramble!

Merch

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Hello and welcome back to another episode. Today we're drinking The Eliminator AND Corn Wine with Neil and talking about Loveshack, All The Young Dudes, and Harry's Trauma.

Watch the pub crawl: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6lkwRkBCMKM&t=14s

Donate to the charity pub crawl: https://www.gofundme.com/f/goblet-of-wine-monopoly-charity-pub-crawl?utm_campaign=p_lico+share-sheet+spider1v&utm_medium=copy_link&utm_source=customer

Merch

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New Monday, new episode. And today we have some very special guests! We're sitting down with Faye and Rachel from Her Dark Materials podcast (a podcast about His Dark Materials), aka two people that Charlie *actually* knows irl (shock horror) who also happen to have a fab podcast. We're drinking Tokay and discussing feminist wrestling, pagan festivals, goth horses, death, and Ron's flying penis.

Her Dark Materials:

https://www.hdmpod.co.uk/

https://twitter.com/hdmpod

https://www.instagram.com/hdmpod/

Rach:

https://twitter.com/Rach_Makes

https://rachmakes.bigcartel.com/

instagram.com/rachmakes/

Faye:

https://twitter.com/Fayeleyyy

https://www.instagram.com/Fayeleyyy/

https://twitter.com/stillintoyoupod

Us:

Watch the pub crawl: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6lkwRkBCMKM&t=14s

Donate to the charity pub crawl: https://www.gofundme.com/f/goblet-of-wine-monopoly-charity-pub-crawl?utm_campaign=p_lico+share-sheet+spider1v&utm_medium=copy_link&utm_source=customer

Merch

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Ooft...strap in for a *heavy* episode. This episode comes with a massive trigger warning for rape/sexual assault between 16:00 and 46:00. When we're not talking about really heavy, not fun topics, we're discussing Harry's loss of innocence and my dads obsession with his talking Dobby toy, whilst drinking 'Babbling Beverages' aka Tequila, Chambord, Elderflower, and Pineapple & Coconut Juice.

Watch the pub crawl: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6lkwRkBCMKM&t=14s

Donate to the charity pub crawl: https://www.gofundme.com/f/goblet-of-wine-monopoly-charity-pub-crawl?utm_campaign=p_lico+share-sheet+spider1v&utm_medium=copy_link&utm_source=customer

Merch

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Wow hi, it's another episode, one where Charlie is both hungover during recording AND writing this right now. We're reading out our hate mail (hey besties), asking to be posted the ghost of a goat, and talking about all the milking that may or may not be happening, Harry's saving people thing, how fast thestrals fly and all the fucking plot holes.

Merch

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A long, *long* time ago, we promised that if we ever hit 200 Patreons we would go to Albania and record an episode in a forest. WELL, we hit 200 Patreons, we went to Albania, and today's episode is coming at you from a mother fucking forest. We're drinking Greek Amstel and Albanian Brandy, and deep diving into both the modern history of Albania and how it related to Harry Potter, as well as chapter 31 of Order of the Pheonix. Turns out Albanian history is bloody fascinating, and you can relate it back to the events in Harry Potter really well, so we really recommend you don't skip the first section. However, if you do want to we shut up about it at 31 minutes. But you will miss conversation about King Zog and pyramid schemes. Diving into chapter 31, we're talking about study techniques, fish oil, sexy villians and letting Dumbledore suck and fuck.

(Also, apologies that the audio quality during the bit we recorded in an Albanian forest isn't great, it does get better in the main episode.)

Study Playlists

Pop Goes Classical - https://open.spotify.com/playlist/37i9dQZF1DWUPafHP1BJw1?si=06e9c2f6e1a04f67

Hermione's Lofi Beats To Relax/Study To - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=twMGGFH59ic

Hogwarts Classroom ASMR Noise - https://youtu.be/BQrxsyGTztM

Lofi chill sad relaxed vibes to study to - https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7lqdCYuonhOQDMKv6IgaL0?si=35cf312756c1494c

Relaxing melodies - https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4KfzNnDz0O6rD7AiGnH9zc?si=61d17bd9e25a41fd

Relaxing music with no words - https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N71DCilquPTh4c8Tl3t8D?si=263a25ac29f44473

Anime Lofi - https://open.spotify.com/playlist/16UjD9MuGcd6nEpcejiex3?si=5df4ee5a81e2480d

Study with me - https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0Y0hnQJu3nAqVO6TnmhqHB?si=528387001f8f46f6

Donate to the charity pub crawl: https://www.gofundme.com/f/goblet-of-wine-monopoly-charity-pub-crawl?utm_campaign=p_lico+share-sheet+spider1v&utm_medium=copy_link&utm_source=customer

Merch

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Somehow another year had passed up by and this podcast is now THREE YEARS OLD! If the podcast was a human it would now be walking and talking and ... doing whatever else 3-year-olds do. In today's Bonus Episode we react to our first ever episode for the first time since we posted it. We criticise our annoying voices, laugh heartily at frozen baby Harry being punted across the front garden and get a little bit emotional over running the podcast. Merch www.gobletofwine.co.uk   patreon.com/gobletofwine  Twitter.com/gobletofwinepod    Instagram.com/gobletofwinepodcast www.facebook.com/gobletofwinepodcast Tiktok @gobletofwinepod

Ello ello. We're back after a (very brief) break, and back with a vengeance. In today's episode, we're drinking "Irish Trash Cans", and chatting about punting students, blind casting, gay centaurs, and what subjects we would take.

Donate to the charity pub crawl: https://www.gofundme.com/f/goblet-of-wine-monopoly-charity-pub-crawl?utm_campaign=p_lico+share-sheet+spider1v&utm_medium=copy_link&utm_source=customer

Merch

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Ola! It do be time for another episode. This ep, we're sipping on some buttery nipples (ooer) and chatting about Harry X Ginny (Hinny? Garry?), absolutely dunking on the trio, how we hate this country, and hate politics, and the police, and how we LOVE Wolfstar. Charlie talks out her arse a lot too, but what's new about that. Anyway I'm hungover so the description ends here. Enjoy bitches.

Donate to the charity pub crawl: https://www.gofundme.com/f/goblet-of-wine-monopoly-charity-pub-crawl?utm_campaign=p_lico+share-sheet+spider1v&utm_medium=copy_link&utm_source=customer

Merch

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Welcome back to ANOTHER episode starring Unbitten's Cam and Em! Once again we're having a very long, very drunken ramble. This time about how much Marietta was a dick (or not), Harry being a dick, Hogwarts (and IRL) exams, and pensieve memories. Enjoy!

Unbitten Podcast: twitter.com/unbittenpod

Merch

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It's time for another episode of Goblet of Wine and ANOTHER guest episode! Because we do love not having on any guests for 6 months and then piling them all together. In today's ep we have Cam and Em from Unbitten Podcast here to talk about (half) of chapter 28 - that's right, ONLY HALF! These idiots wouldn't shut up so we're doing TWO episodes about ONE chapter. We're chatting about portraits living for the drama, masturbating around photos, Filtch wanting to whip students, and His Dark Materials.

Unbitten Podcast: twitter.com/unbittenpod

Merch

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The moment you've all been asking for...it's GOW X Potterless! Yup, that's right, we're finally having Mike on the pod. With him we're chatting about chapter 27 of Order of the Phoenix whilst drinking margaritas and talking about horse dick, hermione not being like other girls, what a hypocrite Dumbledore is, and Kingsley Shacklebolt's...questionable name.

Maria's shop: https://mulberrymoons.com/

Maria's instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mulberry_moons/

The Kingsley Shacklebolt TikTok: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMd39fGPc/

Potterless: https://www.potterlesspodcast.com/

Mike: https://twitter.com/schubes17

Merch

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Correction: it did not come home. Alas, welcome to episode 72, where we're chatting about chapter 26 of OOTP, bitching about the stupid gender roles that we and Ginny have to deal with, the teachers having shit lives, and McGonagall being bisexual.

Merch

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Hello! Welcome to episode 71 where we're talking about chapter 25 of Order of the Pheonix. We're discussing our thoughts on Cho, Katherine Ryan, and Rita Skeeta's origin story. Oh, and Charlie realises she might be a lesbian.

Merch

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TW: Discussions of suicide - 36.50 - 37.45

Ello ello ello. Welcome back to episode 70, in today's episode we're discussing chapter 24 of Order of the Phoenix, and talking about Snape's wanking photo, yet more lack of logic with the Hogwart's Express, our feelings on Cho, and how Snape is a TERRIBLE teacher. Oh, and we also do a Q&A with Neil.

Merch

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Trigger warning: memory loss/alzheimers/dementia discussion 53 minutes to 1:02:00.

EPISODE 69! Nice. Join us in our new episode where we're drinking one of the nicest drinks we've drunk on the podcast so far, talking about Hermione's relationship with her parents (again), Ron buying Hermione perfume (?!?) and answering whether we think Neville is the chosen one.

Merch

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Hello! We're halfway through Order of the Pheonix which can mean only one thing - THE HOUSE CUP ANNOUNCEMENT! We're saying a massive congrats to Ravenclaw for winning it, as well as a huge congrats to our new prefects Rachel, Sophie, Mary and our headhuman Alex. We also barely talk about HP whilst drinking 'Bloo Goo', a terrible drink invention from our Patreon Em.

Merch

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Ello ello ello! It's another episodeeeeeee. In todays ep we're chatting about chapters 20 & 21 of OOTP. Charlie resets the vibe in a...creative way, and we comment on how wizards make themselves the centre of attention with everything, giants, and how Cho so relatably goes from crying to horny in 0.2 seconds.

Merch

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WE'RE BACK TOGETHER! Covid 19 rules now allow for 'non-essential' businesses to open, which apparently, our podcast is 'non-essential'? Who knew. So with some sexy social distancing rules in place we're FINALLY recording together again! We're chatting about chapters 18 & 19 of OOTP whilst drinking a literal TUB of alcohol. We discuss Harry and Ron's learned helplessness, Cho kinda being a nonce, which Hogwarts house would be the messiest, and rainy school lunchtimes.

Merch

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In today's episode, we're talking about chapter 17 of Order of the Pheonix, how Hogwarts needs a sex room, how problematic the staircase slide is, and what a ridiculous amount of male violence there is in Harry Potter.

Merch

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Trigger warning - Discussion of Sarah Everard case (sexual assault, murder) until 14 minutes in.

Welcome back to another episode! We're chatting about Chapter 16 of Order of the Phoenix, debating how vanishing spells work, whether you can smell the difference between a sheep and a goat, and how fucked up it is to use acne as a punishment.

Merch

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In today's episode we have an amazing special guest - Sequoia from our sister pod Fanatical Fics! We're drinking cider and debating how owls work, how Harry is CLEARLY bi, and how Umbridge is basically Michael Gove. Find Sequoia: www.sequoiasimone.com www.fanaticalfics.com twitter.com/fanaticalfics www.instagram.com/fanaticalfics twitter.com/butmakeitscary www.instagram.com/butmakeitscary Us: Merch www.gobletofwine.co.uk   patreon.com/gobletofwine    Twitter.com/gobletofwinepod    Instagram.com/gobletofwinepodcast www.facebook.com/gobletofwinepodcast Tiktok @gobletofwinepod

Time for chapters 12 & 13 of OOTP! In today’s episode as a result of Charlie being a stupid bitch we’re drinking ‘Smokers Cough’ aka Jäger and Mayo, and ‘Prairie Chicken’ aka Gin, Raw Egg Yolk and Pepper. Yum. Once we finish vomming, we’re chatting about the absolute lack of chemistry between Cho and Harry, debating whether potions is hard, and Charlie does an incredible* Scottish accent.

*it wasn’t incredible.

Merch

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Welcome back to another very special episode of Goblet of Wine! In today’s episode, we have the amazing Robyn and Bayana from #WizardTeam podcast and @blackgirlscreate. With the help of their much more insightful minds, we’re chatting about Neville, meeting Luna for the first time, Umbridge’s femininity, and how Hogwarts really needs Ofsted.

Twitter warnings:

1:11:55 rape TW

1:16:10 gun TW

Find Robyn & Bayana:

https://blackgirlscreate.org/

https://twitter.com/blkgirlscreate

https://www.instagram.com/blackgirlscreate/

Real House Students of Hogwarts - https://blackgirlscreate.org/2020/02/the-real-house-students-of-hogwarts-episode-1-2/

Find more of Goblet of Wine:

Merch

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Another Monday, another episode of Goblet of Wine! In today’s ep we’re making Luna Lovegood themed drinks…and managing not to actually get around to reading the chapter she’s introduced in. If you want to try to recreate our drinks, here’s the recipes;

Hannah’s:

2 parts passion fruit gin liquor

1 part elderflower gin

1 part lemon juice

drop of Angostura Bitters

Over ice with a bit of tonic water

Charlie’s:

Mythical unicorn gin

Aromatic tonic

Shaken over ice

Plum juice and slices of plum

Radish to garnish

Merch

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Lockdown 3 here we goooooo - we’re recording separately, AGAIN. And this time Charlie’s at her home in London so uh, enjoy the train ASMR! We’re talking about Hannah stalking Joanna Lumley, Charlie getting ghosted by Dylan Llewellyn, Charlie ghosting a podcast listener, Charlie loving trains, how we’re both secretly spies, oh and also some Harry Potter. ENJOY!

Join Skillshare Today and Get Two Weeks of Premium for Free!

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Merch

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Ola! In today's episode we're chatting about chapter 6 of the Order of the Phoenix, plus a huge long rant at the end about Johnny Depp and Amber Heard. We're talking about Voldemort nuking people, the 'pure blood' claim making NO sense, and drinking more White Claw! Enjoy!

Merch

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It's that festive time of year again and we're back with our Christmas Fanfiction challenge. We asked our patreons to submit prompts and then gave ourselves 10 minutes to write a festive fanfiction using a randomised character, place, object and spell! Expect chaos, gay stories, a worrying concoction of our past drinks and Aberforth's favourite goat. Oh and for some reason we thought we were sober when recording this ... spoiler warning: we weren't!

Merry Christmas everyone xxx

Merch

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Hello, we're drinking WHITE CLAW!! Anddddd talking about chapter 5 of the Order of the Phoenix! And going on a few tangents. We're talking about how wild the OOTP probably is, wife swapping, mad eye moody being everyone's dad, Hermione being a pick me girl, and Molly's labour.

Merch

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We're back and getting in the festive spirit already drinking Bailey's Hot Choc at the request of Veera! In today's ep we're chatting chapters 3 & 4 of Order of the Pheonix, about our love of Tonks, Hermione's lack of background story, and answering what we'd use the pensieve for.

Merch

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TW: Themes of abuse throughout the episode

Season 5!!!! Who'd have thunk it? Not us! To kick off the new season we're drinking Fireball Whiskey at the request of Patron Jaclyn and chatting about the first two chapers of Order of the Pheonix, which is mostly us raving about Mrs Figg and her cats. We're talking about Uncle Vernon abusing everyone in his life, growing up in the countryside, and the oh so innovative use of 'you're gay' as an insult.

Merch

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WE'VE RELEASED MERCH! That's right, we FINALLY did it, we finally got our arses in gear and created some merch. You can check it out at the link below, you can shop by design and then pick what product you'd like the design to appear on. We hope you like it!

gobletofwine.redbubble.com

It's time for an episode we've both eagerly anticipated - Goblet of Fire - THE FILM! We're chatting about the worst film in the entire Harry Potter series, the rampant sexism, Hermione being annoying AF, and the COMPLETE lack of plot. I honestly can't list the things we hate about this film. Just listen.

The fanfiction Hannah was talking about at the end is called Dumbledore's Army and the Year Of Darkness. It's not been deleted off FF.net but I've tracked down this apparently illustrated pdf on goodreads which I can't vough for but from a quick glance looks the same (a content warning - the fic is relatively graphic in terms of violence - https://www.goodreads.com/ebooks/download/10207687-dumbledore-s-army-and-the-year-of-darkness) 

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We finished another book?! Who'd have thunk it!! Not bad for a dumb bitch who can't read and...Hannah. Tune in for this episode where we're chatting chapters 36 & 37 of Goblet of Fire and announcing the results of the house cup. We also chat about Fawkes the Phoenix, the government and capitalism, and beanie babies. So grab a glass and listen along, and most importantly, GET EXCITED FOR SEASON 5!!!

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Well, another year has passed and somehow we still haven't been sued by JK Rowlings lawyers or told to stop by interveining family - that's right, this podcast is now 2 YEARS OLD!! In todays Bonus Episode we celebrate by looking back over the past 4 books and seasons using questions, theories and opinions submitted by our wonderful listeners! We discuss Hermione and Draco shipping, Hogwarts students first periods, and how to tounge your way through thiccc espresso martini foam. Oh and one of us cries!

So we *do* love a ramble but we really may have outdone ourselves this episode, so buckle up for FIFTEEN MINUTES of us talking about *literally* anything other than the chapters we’re supposed to be discussing this episode...but that’s okay because you guys love us for the drunken rambling...right? Right?! Okay whatever. We’re chatting about chapter 35 (that’s right it’s a rare one chapter episode) of goblet of FIRE and whether Voldemort thinks he’s evil, why Sting from the police is a serial killer, and also explaining why neither of us like Lord of the Rings.

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Welcome bacckkkk! In today's episode we're discussing chapters 33 and 34 of Goblet of Fire, aka, VOLDEMORT'S BACK! We're discussing how the fuck Voldemort got his wand, the biggest fuckup yet in the books, and what Bertha went through.  

Rape trigger warning- 23:00-26:50

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Welcome back to EPISODE 50!! How did we do this 50 times?! Why! How did no one stop us? It’s a mystery. Anyway, we’re back and chatting chapters 31 and 32 of goblet of fire. We’re talking daddy and mummy issues, portkey logic, and Voldemort’s dick. We also introduce a new podcast rule!

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WELCOME BACK TO GOBLET OF SWEAT! No, we haven’t changed the name of the podcast, but goblet of sweat is a pretty accurate way to describe the experience of recording a podcast in 36 British heat in a tiny room with closed windows and doors and no AC. In today’s episode we’re drinking a drink based on what we think Bellatrix would drink at the request of our amazing Patreon Samuel. Which turned out to be super damn appropriate as it’s the first chapters with Bellatrix in! We’re chatting Harry actually being logical for once, Dumbledore’s sex memories, and Crouch being trans. Enjoy!

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It’s time for another episode with everyone’s FAVOURITE guest - Neil MacQuarrie! So get ya bingo cards or shot glasses ready for every time we mention Game of Thrones, Doctor Who or Star Wars. We’re chatting chapters 27 and 28 of Goblet of Fire, including discussing the origin of scarlet women, Snape’s virginity, cum socks, and the magical postal system. Enjoy!

Neil's Twitter

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WE'REEE BACK!! AND WE'RE IN THE SAME ROOM! That's right, after almost 5 months we're finally back, 2 meters apart, and recording TOGETHER. To celebrate get ready for THE DRUNKEST EPISODE EVER! Ft us doing shots in a park, drinking out of a cock bottle in a park, and generally getting glared at by half of South London (especially Neil). We're asking important questions such as 'what're the chances of a chicken egg from the supermarket hatching' (ft egg expert Neil), the importance of teaching children to swim (ft swimming expert Hannah), and...Charlie has no special skills. At some point we do also talk about Harry Potter.

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Welcome welcome, to another episode of Goblet of Wine. It’s time to cover one of Hannah’s favourite chapters - The Yule Ball! We’re dunking on Harry, chatting about getting ready for prom, Krum and Mad Eye both potentially being pedos, our favourite character Ali Bashir, giantess porn, and lesbian communes. It’s peak GoW basically. ENJOY! www.gobletofwine.co.uk   patreon.com/gobletofwine    Twitter.com/gobletofwinepod    Instagram.com/gobletofwinepodcast www.facebook.com/gobletofwinepodcast Tiktok @gobletofwinepod

For an exclusive piece of digital merch donate what you can to: https://bit.ly/3emhIsz  

And then email [email protected] with a screenshot of proof  

Black lives matter resources: 

Black lives matter ways to help  

African American History: From Emancipation to the Present 

Petition - Qualified Immunity needs legislative reform  

Petition - End Qualified Immunity!

*to the tune of the final countdown* It's another episodeeeeee, dun na naaa. This isn't just any episode, it's an M&S epi...no sorry it's an episode where we're announcing the house cup!! That's right! Tune in to discover which house won this season and who our new prefects and head human is! Plus hear our usual waffle about death hoola hooping around the divination tower, school discos, house elves as a metaphor for slavery, and good ol' MISOGYNY.

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#blacklivesmatter

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Ello ello ello. What's that? You want another episode to relieve you from lockdown hell? WELL OK FINE. We're chatting chapters 19 & 20 of Goblet of....FIRE. Aka all things the first task, ethics in journalism, and transfiguration and dogs rights. Enjoy!

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Helllllo! Welcome back to another lockdown long distance GoW episode! In today's ep Charlie is drinking tubby custard, and we're chatting how degrees don't matter, arse vs ass, Hogwart's badge craze and how Rita Skeeta is a pedophile. If that sounds like fun then grab a glass and listen along!

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It's time for another quarentine episode! In today's ep we're reading chapters 15 & 16 of Goblet of Fire and chatting the national anthem, the imperius curse, butterfly hair clips, hating the french, and finding out which piece of me Hannah would chop off if she had to.

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Welcome to the first ever episode NOT RECORDED TOGETHER :( That's right, me and Hannah are doing some fun lockdown style long distance recordings. This episode may break our record for the episode we talk about Harry Potter the least in. Instead, we're talking about the British educational system, Charlie's teeth, Hannah looking after snails, and we read our BIRTH CHARTS! Because astrology is definitely...real. ENJOY!

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It's us again! We're back with an episode that was pre-recorded before the entire country went into lockdown...yay. We're chatting about chapters 11-12 of Goblet of Fire, about how Charlie lives in a hole, ranting about British Geography and travel logistics (YOU CAN'T GET A TAXI FROM DEVON TO KINGS CROSS!!!), Draco's obsession with Harry, and the death troll. This episode also features a beautiful rendition of the sorting hat song by Hannah.

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Sorry if you’re listening to this for a distraction from Corona Virus because we mention it within the FIRST FIVE SECONDS. Aside from our blissful naivety about COVID-19, we’re talking about Ron’s big...feet, JK Rowling’s questionable metaphors, how all Veela are lesbians, and most importantly - David Tennant’s tongue. We also have Tiktok now if you want to see us embarrass ourselves on there.   

Trigger warnings: 

18.30 - TW sexual harrasment/assault start 

20.30 - end 

21.55 - TW start again 

22.36 - TW rape 

24.35 - end

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Hello and welcome back to your favourite way to make coronavirus self isolation EVEN WORSE! Today we’re drinking Irish coffees (because quidditch, duh) and chatting about one of our favourite chapters - THE QUIDDITCH WORLD CUP. We’re also rambling about Hannah’s mum splitting a fox, transphobia in the books, #justiceforalibashir, Krum’s pull out game, and doing lots of maths...

Muggle Pants Video

Ludo Bagman

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Welcome back to THE GAYEST CHAPTERS EVER! That’s right, today we’re reading chapters 5-6 of goblet of fire and discussing our latest Patreon goals, how the twins life is basically high school musical, how wizards need to stop going to Albania. We’re also answering a Patreon question about our favourite places in London!

Listener Survey  

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We’re backkkk. This episode is dedicated to Hannah’s departed grandad Adrian…who has a shit taste in alcohol. We’re reading chapters 3 & 4 of Goblet of Fire and talking a LOT about fat phobia, bats, shrews, and the Weasley twins absolutely shite sense of humour.

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Omg - BOOK FOUR. Who can believe it - me and Hannah read three whole books. In today's episode over a bottle of 'Kinky Pride' I get very passionate about how much I hate Harry and wish the books weren't written from his perspective. We also get peak British and oveshare stories about growing up in villages and scrumping apples and breaking into private land to revise for exams - I was a really badass teen obviously. We also discuss how the fuck you milk a snake. Like seriously. What. Listener Survey   www.gobletofwine.co.uk   patreon.com/gobletofwine    Twitter.com/gobletofwinepod    Instagram.com/gobletofwinepodcast www.facebook.com/gobletofwinepodcast

It's time for the last episode of the season! We're talking about the Prisoner of Azkaban film and how it's emo, racist, has no plot and assassinates Hermione's character! Yay! We're also announcing which House has won the Patreon House Cup as well as the HeadHuman and Prefects for each house!  Listener Survey   www.gobletofwine.co.uk   patreon.com/gobletofwine    Twitter.com/gobletofwinepod    Instagram.com/gobletofwinepodcast www.facebook.com/gobletofwinepodcast

We’re back and we’re FINALLY letting Neil speak about time travel! A lot! No seriously! Like a lot...a lot. If you don’t like time travel then I’m SO SORRY you’re going to hate this episode because we go into excruciating detail about open vs closed loop time travel, whether the time travel in Harry Potter works, and paradoxes. So buckle up! We also go on several spoilery rants about other franchises, so if you want to avoid spoilers or just don’t give a shit, here’s where you can skip:  Marvel Avengers Endgame: 3:15, 6:30-10:10  Game of Thrones: 52:20-1:00:00 Neil's Twitter   Listener Survey   www.gobletofwine.co.uk   patreon.com/gobletofwine    Twitter.com/gobletofwinepod    Instagram.com/gobletofwinepodcast www.facebook.com/gobletofwinepodcast

It’s time for a very special FESTIVE bonus episode! We’re getting into the Christmas spirit with a Christmas themed fan fiction writing challenge! We asked our Patreon’s to send us prompts for: character, location, object, and spell. We picked these at random and the only rule was we had 10 minutes to write a fan fiction mentioning all of the prompts, AND Christmas. Trash ensued. Enjoy and don’t forget to head to our Twitter/IG stories to vote on your favourite fan fic!

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Hello! In today's episode we're drinking the most basic bitch of beers - Brewdog Punk IPA. Why are we being so basic you ask? Well, why else could it be - Neil is back! And by VERY popular demand (see, we DID read the listen survey responses!). This ep we read & discuss chapter 21 of PoA. "Only one chapter?!" I hear you all cry out in confusion - well, YES, we recorded for 3 hours, so now you get the blessing of not only one, but TWO basic bitch Neil episodes. It's a Christmas miracle. Neil REALLY wanted to come on to discuss time travel. Instead there's some absolutely spectacular accents at play (and some less spectacular), we go on a HUGE (and now very topical, despite this being recorded weeks ago) rant about JK Rowling, we talk a lot about Game of Thrones, and Marvel, and puberty, and we do a hell of a lot of singing. And absolutely no talk about time travel. Poor Neil.

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Hey there, sooo...forgive us for the audio. We know. We don’t know what happened but for some reason there were some irreparable issues with the audio file for this episode, we’ve done a lot to improve it but particularly at the end it gets a little bit wild. It’s more than listenable however, so we hope you can forgive us. These things happen. But, ANYWAY! This episode we’re covering some EXTRA JUICY chapters, so we hope you enjoy!

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Yo wassup. Today we have a very special episode as we're chatting with the one and only queen of the Harry Potter fandom - Melissa Anelli! We're drinking Scotch and reading chapters 17 and 18 of Prisoner of Azkaban, which ends up as mostly yelling. Seriously. Charlie yells about the terrible Werewolf/HIV metaphor, Melissa yells about Hermione being a flawed character, and EVERYONE yells about how the films ruined Ron. So if a bunch of adults drunkenly yelling about a children's book sounds like your thing, then smash that play button.

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Today’s episode goes out to our wonderful producer level Patreon Amanda, who made us drink the very questionable combination of red wine and coke, which turned Charlie a little weird. Blame Amanda. We’re chatting about chapters 15-16 of Prisoner of Azkaban, how you should always punch rich white men, the implications of cheering charms, Draco’s thighs, and most importantly: the dying art of crafting a shaft. Now...BUNDLE!

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SURPRISE BONUS EP! If you can’t tell by the title of this episode (in which case you may be just as dyslexic as Charlie was when she wrote this) we’re back for another bonus episode of READING CHARLIE’S SHIT OLD FANFICTION. Yup. Kill me. This story follows the antics of Paige, aka the worlds biggest emo, and her love interest Draco. It starts slow, but OH BOY does it really go to shit. This episode was recorded live at Draigcon, so the audio isn’t fantastic, but we promise you won’t notice because of how much you’ll be cringing at the contents.

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It's time for another episode! This week we're joined by Kim from our favourite Harry Potter podcast - Fanatical Fics and Where To Find Them - a self proclaimed 'shitty Hufflepuff'. If you haven't listened to Fanatical Fics then you need to, like, go do that, now. They're our sister podcast and our American, fan-fiction obsessed counterpart. We chat about chapters 13 & 14 of POA, including the feeling of wood between your legs, how Hagrid is clearly a furry, and how Draco, Vinnie, and Greg are clearly a throuple.

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Guten tag! Today me and Hannah are potentially starting World War 3 over our misguided attempt to pay tribute to Germany. We're drinking some...interesting German booze called 'Jagdstolz' and eating some authentic German Haribo courtesy of our wonderful listener Fiona! We’re chatting about Hannah’s obsession with tea, what our Patronus memories would be, how you can wank away depression and…nuggets.

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Much like Harry when he was left on a doorstep in late October to freeze to death and have his frozen body punted across the lawn by the front door opening in the morning, the podcast is A YEAR OLD!!!! Wow, wasn’t that a tenuous segue? THAT’S RIGHT! It’s been a whole year since me and Hannah first put out our awful, drunken takes on Harry Potter for the world to listen to, and somehow so far no one has stopped us - not even a time travelling version of our future selves or one of JK Rowling’s lawyers. So to celebrate a year of giving our largely unwanted opinions we’re coming at you with a bonus episode! Listen to us record a special episode whilst on instagram live, including: much reminiscing, answering YOUR Q&A’s, and answering Harry Potter themed ‘fuck, marry, kill’ voice notes from our Patreon supporters. Featuring classic moments such as us struggling over a dick shaped bottle, attempting to do American accents, and doing many, many shots. www.gobletofwine.co.uk   patreon.com/gobletofwine    Twitter.com/gobletofwinepod    Instagram.com/gobletofwinepodcast www.facebook.com/gobletofwinepodcast

Hannah has many talents. Unfortunately, as we discover in this episode, making cocktails is not one of them. Yep, that's right, in today's episode we're drinking homemade Butterbeer to celebrate the trio drinking Butterbeer for the first time in these chapters. Only it's two recipes that Hannah made up, and can only be described as if someone has cummed an egg into a beer. I don't recommend you recreating them, but if anyone does want to, here are the recipes: 

1. Ginger beer, shot of Captain Morgan's Spiced Rum, Caramel Vodka, egg white, vanilla extract
2. Beer, Captain Morgan's Spiced Rum, Toffee Liqueur, egg white

When we’re not gagging on Hannah’s vile creations, we’re going full British by discussing turkey twizzlers (and alienating every non-UK listener in the process), getting wayyy too into an idea for a Hermione/Wood smut fan-fiction, pondering over whether repair-o would fix a hymen, and drunkenly being completely unable to say any character names correctly. Also, due to the political state of the UK, me and Hannah are looking to get married to anyone with an EU passport. Please email us with serious enquiries only.

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Ello ello ello. It’s time for another episode of Goblet of Wine. Today we’re spicing it up with special guest Sarah, aka Hannah’s “temporary-live-in-housemate” who since recording this episode has had a major life glow-up. We’re covering chapters 7 & 8 of Prisoner of Azkaban, chatting shit about chlamydia, covering snakes in lube, boggArts, and Hannah’s passion for wood.

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'ello. Welcome back, why have you come back? Never mind, we're glad you have. We're breaking our format today and putting down the booze for once...but it's okay, we're already smashed. Instead we're drinking TEA! I can tell what you're thinking, "oh wow, these girls are really committing to the whole 'we're British' theme." Well, not quite (but also yes, had we mentioned that we're English?). No, we're drinking tea because it's TEA LEAF READING TIME! That's right, it's Harry's first divination lesson, which can only mean one thing - we're getting our fortunes told. Aka drunkenly spilling tea everywhere and predicting Brexit and the Cats trailer. At some point we also discuss chapters 5 and 6 of Prisoner of Azkaban, apparently. Enjoy!

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Fresh off the back of the excitement about our new microphones we’re here with an episode that we had to record THREE TIMES because we’re too stupid to use them correctly. To make up for it, we did an instagram live and did several shots of Ouzo as punishment and to make sure we were drunk enough for the episode to still be funny...hopefully it worked? Honestly it’s mostly just chaos (go figure). Join us as we chat about Harry whoring himself out on the streets, debate what goes on inside Fudge’s head, compare owls to eggs and chat about FANNIES. Please don’t unsubscribe. 

TW R*ape 25:30

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NEW AUDIO NEW AUDIO NEW AUDIO!

Sorry we're a little bit excited about our NEW MICROPHONES! Now you can hear how posh and annoying we are IN HD!!! We're also super excited to finally be on Prisoner of Azkaban, aka the book where shit starts to get real. Join us as we discuss wax play, owl orgies, and monster book of monsters bondage as part of our quest to make this the least family friendly Harry Potter podcast ever. We also discuss some actual plot, and Hannah tells an excruiating story about what she had for breakfast and repeatedly refers to the Order of the Pheonix Dumbledore's Army because she's an IDIOT!

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We're back and this week we're FOBBING YOU OFF WITH A BONUS EP! So me and Hannah have lives outside of the podcast (shock, I know) and unfortunately due to a combination of work trips, Draigcon, and Hannah selfishly gallivanting off on holiday, we haven’t managed to record and edit a real episode yet. BUT we thought it was the perfect time to take a little break between books and to share one of the live recordings from this weekend at Draigcon. So in today’s episode we’re going to be discussing all things Percy Weasley, joined (at 12:00) by none other than the man himself Chris Rankin! It was meant to be a super deep moral discussion of the pros and cons of Percy Weasley, but Chris was a bad influence and it unfortunately descended into discussions of slash fiction, S&M dungeons and fisting.

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I'm going to be completely honest with you, we're uploading this just after Draigcon and we're exhausted to a level where I've only had time to proof listen to about 20-30 minutes of this episode. We discuss the second film, Chamber of Secrets, whilst hungover, and probably make a variety of sarcastic comments and sexual innuendos. Hannah probably makes a bunch of really smart and insightful comments about the makeup artistry, styling, and special effects used, and Charlie probably makes dick jokes and talks about which cast members she would or wouldn't fuck. You know, the usual.   

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It's the end of Chamber of Secrets! This episode we're drinking cider as England is unusually sunny whilst record (and uploading!) this. Charlie for once has actually made plot notes and we're discussing the epic amount of foreshadowing in these chapters, horcruxes and finding out who Alexa's favourite Harry Potter character is!  

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Guess who's back? Back again...no it's not slim shady, it's Hannah and Charlie, sorry to disappoint. This episode we’re joined by special guest and general nerd-stuff youtuber HeyAmyJane! We’re discussing Ron’s incredible character development, how Hagrid was clearly sacrificing students each year, how the flying car is the goodest of all bois, and Percy wanking in cupboards. We also discover that Charlie apparently doesn’t know how many legs spiders have.  

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HOWDY! Welcome to our first THEMED episode! To apologise to the 58% of our listeners that are American, this episode we're making a totally awesome tribute to the U-S-of-A. We're drinking Jack Daniels, eating American sweets and....well, that's it. We tried okay! We also have a super special announcement that we'll be appearing at this years Draigcon! More info in the episode or at the link below. This ep we're discussing how Harry loves attention (big mood), how men are useless and unobservant, and speaking of useless - Charlie fucks up big time! 

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Welcome back Wizards! This week Charlie and Hannah are drinking a super secret surprise alcohol that involves a spoon, sugar, and a lighter. It's bohemian, okay. We're discussing chapters 11&12 of COS and how Hermione casually abandons her family, how Ernie Macmillian cares more about being right than about his friend potentially dying (relatable), Harry's moral compass being based on whether or not he wants to fuck someone, and an unusually lucid observation from Charlie about a psychologist called Lombroso.  

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Join us for this weeks episode where we're back and discussing chapters 9-10 of Chamber Of Secrets. So settle down with a brew and listen to us waffle on about how prophercies work, how Ron is like the Word paperclip of Wizardry, how Quidditch is bullshit and how Dumbledore should join Queer Eye for the Wizard Guy! 

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Trigger Warning - Domestic Violence - 53-55mins. 

Charlie and Hannah are back at it again for an episode that swings wildly between serious discussions of the racist implications of the word 'mudblood' and whether all the Basilisk ever wanted was a friend to chat to. All this is stirred up with Hannah's excited theory on the vanishing cabinet, Hogwarts being a shit school (what's new) and how on earth a ghost horse works. Grab a glass an try to keep up with the podcast that seriously can't decide what genre it falls into!  

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We're back to complete the episode with special guest Neil and this time we finally get to focus on Gildery Lockhart. The Man. The Myth. The radio DJ? Also featuring a rant about whether anyone really eats kippers for breakfast and a hopefully somewhat intelligent dicussion on JK Rowling coding of the British class systems. Grab some alcohol and join in as we hopefully get a bit less screamy about geography!

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We're back with our very first guest episode! Today's episode feature's Hannah's boyfriend Neil and a lot of ranting about Norfolk and the geography of the UK, dicussing chondoms aka chicken condoms, and teaching Hannah what filibuster means with dubious knowledge learnt exclusively from the hit show Parks and Recreation - we also at some point discuss Harry Potter. So grab a glass, a map of England, and listen along. Make sure to follow us on social media where we'll be sharing photos to illustrate just how badly JK Rowling has fucked up with her geography knowledge, as well as loads of other behind the scenes antics.

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Your favourite drunken-British-Harry-Potter podcast co-hosts are back - and this week they've been poisoned. Poisoned by Ouzo. We have our first ever producer level patreon Sandra to 'thank' for this who kindly chose Absinthe as our drink this week, which after we couldn't find easily because #BritishProblems, we chose Ouzo as the next closest thing. Never drink Ouzo. At some point between force feeding ourselves Ouzo and trying not to be sick we also discuss chapters 3 and 4 of the Chamber of Secrets, and answer Sandra's question of which character in the series would we most like to curse with incurable hiccups. 

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Welcome back for a very exciting episode - we can't believe we've gotten this far - we're onto book two!!! This episode we're discussing the first two chapters of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, talking about JK's weird thing of demonising ugly people, Harry rating people on whether he wants to fuck them, and Dobby's schlong! 

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Surprise! We have yet another bonus episode for you, you lucky things! Inspired by the amazing podcast Fanatical Fics (which if you haven't listened to, what are you doing here listening to us, GO LISTEN TO THEM!) we're reading Charlie's old fanfiction that she wrote when she was 13/14 years old. It's truly terrible and hopefully hysterical - we thought so anyway. If you want to hear more of this awful fanfiction (why?!) then you can head over to our Patreon where we'll be uploading the rest of this story, plus another of Charlie's stories, and two of Hannah's also! Don't forget to also check out our social media below to see the beautiful fanfiction banners that Charlie created for these.   

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Welcome to episode 10 (omg) of Goblet of Wine! And now we've finished the first book it's time for the first of our film episodes! In another (this time unplanned) format switch-up, it's the first episode where we aren't drunk. Nope, we're hungover. We *may* have accidentally got too drunk the night before whilst watching the film and had to go to bed early. Oops. But we wanted to get this recorded whilst the memories were fresh, and we definitely didn't want to start drinking at 9am, so here we are unusually sober and horribly hungover. Honestly, this episode is mostly us quoting the film incessantly in exaggerated British accents, fan girling over the cast and over analyising the era accuracy of their hair styles.

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Another episode of Goblet of Wine and it's time for the final chapters of Philosopher's Stone! Hasn't time flown! To celebrate Hannah persuades Charlie to do a shot which obvious means chaos ensues, we discuss how Harry is a messy bitch who lives for the drama (we relate) and Charlie gets extremely excited over a show called Trapdoor which, as it's a pop-culture reference, Hannah has no idea about.

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Welcome back Wizards! And a happy New Year. We're kicking off the first episode of 2019 by talking about chapters 14 and 15 of Philosopher's Stone (merlins beard we've almost finished book 1!). In these chapters much dragon related hijinx unfolds, resulting in the oh-so-innapropriate but oh-so-Hogwarts punishment of a lovely walk through the forbidden forest, with added dead animals and evil Wizards. We're calling OFSTED.

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If one festive episode wasn't enough for you, we've brought you a second one! This time with even more drunken merriment (seriously, we're smashed in this) and we're doing everyone's favourite Christmas activity - a quiz! But a Harry Potter festive one. It decends into complete chaos with Neil being verbally roasted at every possible moment, Charlie doing spectacularly badly at the quiz and Hannah alienating every American listener AGAIN. What could be more festive! Merry Christmas lovely listeners.

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Merry Christmas wonderful listeners! In todays special Christmas episode we get very festive with some eggnog flavoured cream (or mothers milk as we prefer it to be known) and a bucket of mulled wine. We're unwrapping our Christmas gifts to each other (whilst trying to make that exciting for an audio medium) and chatting about our festive Harry Potter memories. We get a LOT more drunk than we intended, something that we whole heartedly blame speical guest Neil for (he's a terrible influence). This is part 1 of 2 Christmas specials so stay tuned for an EXTREMELY drunken Harry Potter Christmas quiz coming Christmas Eve, and don't forget to check our Instagram @gobletofwinepodcast for the behind the scenes highlights.

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Today’s episode we’re starting to get festive recording in our Weasley jumpers and chatting through the first Christmas at Hogwarts for Harry. We’re drinking beer and Malibu and coke and debating how many students are REALLY at Hogwarts and whether Ron or Hermione could pass a Bechdel style test for not talking about Harry. Nope.

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SURPRISE! It’s a bonus ep! In today's episode we're taking a break from our regularly scheduled content to talk about Crimes of Grindelwald...or as it perhaps should be known, Crimes Against A Franchise. We're joined by two cats as we sit down with a glass (or two) to discuss the latest addition to the Fantastic Beasts trilo...no sorry, *pentalogy, and our many, many Feelings. Warning: there will be spoilers. Don't forget to head over to our twitter @gobletofwinepod to vote on who managed to describe the plot in 60 seconds best, and follow our Instagram @gobletofwinepodcast for fun behind the scenes antics (cat photos).

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In this episode we’re drinking ‘red white and berry vodka’ and chatting about being bossy before #girlboss, Ron being underrated, and Hermione being a twisted fire starter. We also want to say a massive thank you to everyone that’s listened so far!

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Welcome to episode 5 of goblet of wine, a drunken Harry Potter podcast. This episode we’re drinking a mysterious Polish booze that boasts of being ‘matured at sea in oak cherry casks’, whatever that means, and Hannah does a spectacular job of keeping the podcast together whilst blind. Don’t forget to follow us on Twitter & Instagram for behind the scenes drunken antics and check out our Patreon!

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In this weeks episode you get to find out which Hogwarts houses's we belong to as we discuss chapters 6 and 7 of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. Don't forget to tweet us your guesses at @GobletOfWinePod.

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In this episode we get VERY drunk and discuss chapters 4&5 of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. We observe how Hagrid's job is clearly bullsh*t, debate Obscurus's (Obscuri?), and how Draco is a little sh...

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In this weeks episode you’ll listen to us drunkenly discuss chapter 3 of Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone. We talk about escaping otters and whether wizards are basically white walkers. Don't forget to tweet us your guesses of who started crying halfway through.

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*Improved audio starts with book 3*

Welcome to the first episode of Goblet Of Wine, a podcast in which two lifelong Harry Potter fans re-read their favourite childhood book with added alcohol and cynicism. In this first episode we discuss chapters 1 & 2 of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, drink some flavoured vodka of ambiguous European origin, and introduce ourselves.

www.gobletofwine.co.uk  

patreon.com/gobletofwine   

Twitter.com/gobletofwinepod   

Instagram.com/gobletofwinepodcast

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