Soul Gum

Friend breakups hit different. They’re messy, heartbreaking, and rarely come with closure. In today’s episode, we’re breaking down five of the most common types of friendship breakups, why they happen, and how to survive them without losing your mind (or your faith in humanity). If you’ve ever mourned a friendship like it was a death, this one’s for you.

EPISODE OUTLINE:

00:00 Intro 

03:21 1. The Mutual Drift

04:18 Aristotle’s utility, pleasure and virtue friendships

06:46 Dunbar’s number: how many friendships can we maintain at once?

08:25 Carl Jung & making friends while wearing a mask

09:40 Mollenhorst’s social pruning study

10:06 Getting through a mutual drift

11:51 Break - with a surprise! 

15:23 2. The One-Sided Slow Fade

17:00 How to get through it on the receiving end 

19:09 What if you’re the one who’s fading away from a friend? 

21:22 3. The Formal Breakup 

23:38 How to break up with a friend ethically

24:47 Getting through a friend breaking up with you 

25:34 4. The Blow Up 

26:42 Sartre & conflict as a mirror of the self  

27:44 Getting through a friendship blowing up 

28:21 Hegel & conflict as an engine for growth

29:26 5. The Sudden Ghost 

30:23 Getting through being ghosted by a friend

32:06 Lightning round recap 

32:39 The peak-end rule 

34:02 Journaling prompts for processing a friendship breakup 

34:33 Poem: To Strangers I Used to Know

MY LINKS

Your attention is sacred. It’s also for sale. 

Maybe the reason you can’t get off your phone or stop wasting your Saturdays streaming a show you’ll forget the moment you finish the last episode or do what you say you will isn’t because you’re lazy. It’s not because you don’t want it badly enough. It’s not because you haven’t locked in. Maybe the reason you can’t focus is bigger than you entirely. 

Today’s episode dives into the hidden reason we distract ourselves from our own lives and leaves you with 5 bite-sized ways to reclaim your brain. My fellow doomscrollers, rotters, and TikTok ban mourners: this one’s for you. 

EPISODE OUTLINE:

02:18 The spiritual source of distraction

02:29 I. Nietzsche: staring into the abyss    

03:43 II. Kierkegaard: sickness unto death

04:46 III. Victor Frankl: the search for meaning

08:04 IV. Kali yuga: the age of distraction 

09:16 Enter: the attention economy 

10:15 The Dorito theory 

14:23 So what do we do about it?

14:31 5 steps to take back your focus

14:42 Break - with a surprise for you!

18:14 Step 1: the art of unitasking 

23:05 Step 2: giving attention vs having it taken

25:14 Step 3: Dorito vs dinner list

26:48 Step 4: Dorito ritual 

29:18 Step 5: Focus ritual

31:24 Lightning round recap

MY LINKS:

1. Preorder my poetry book MAKE BELIEVE from Blue Willow to get a free poem print and a personalized signed copy⁠⁠
2. Preorder MAKE BELIEVE from Amazon, Target, Barnes & Noble, and more
3. Get the Believe Again yoga flow, guided meditation and mini-journal bundle free when you preorder MAKE BELIEVE!
4. Join me in Bali June 1-7! ⁠⁠
5. Find me @thedailyvictorian on Instagram⁠⁠
6. Find me @thedailyvictorian on TikTok⁠ (if it ever gets un-banned...)

SHOW LINKS:

1. Dorito theory TikTok
2. Slot machine dopamine study
3. Study on the cognitive strain of multitasking

This episode should be called ten HARD TO HEAR things about dating I wish I knew in my twenties because... oof. Buckle up. The dating scene in your twenties is the trenches. I wish I could go back in time and tell all this to younger me. It would save her so many hours and tears and good outfits on bad dates with people who don't like her. Instead, I'll tell you. I learned each of these lessons the hard way, but you don't have to! I present to you: 10 things I wish I knew about dating in my twenties.

EPISODE OUTLINE

00:00 Intro 

01:20 Break

04:09 If they treat you like they don’t care, they don’t

06:41 Someone not liking you doesn't make them a catch

10:06 Running at the first sign of conflict isn’t a flex

13:21 If you’re attracted to games, you’re the problem

16:36 Stop seeking closure from your exes 

19:05 Don’t date their potential

20:14 Being single rocks

23:05 Love is not all you need 

23:36 You can’t make them stay if they want to go

30:58 You can’t scare away the right person

33:39 Lightning round recap

LINKS:

1. Preorder my poetry book MAKE BELIEVE from Blue Willow to get a free poem print and a personalized signed copy
2. Preorder MAKE BELIEVE from Amazon, Target, Barnes & Noble, and more!
3. Join me in Bali June 1-7!
4. Find me @thedailyvictorian on Instagram
5. Find me @thedailyvictorian on TikTok

Feel like you’re meant for something more but can’t put your finger on what that “more” is? This episode is here to help. The bad news is: finding your purpose in a world full of distractions and expectations is hard. Like, super hard. The good news is: we’ve been struggling with this since the dawn of humanity, so lots of extremely smart people have piped up about it.

Clues to your purpose are hiding in unexpected places. Today, we’ll explore 8 of those clues, as proposed by some of humanity’s greatest minds. Consider this episode a field guide out of your existential crisis. Brought to you by me: your friendly neighborhood lawyer-turned-creative, fresh out of the trenches of living someone else’s life. 

SHOW OUTLINE:

00:00 Intro

03:14 If you're looking for your purpose, look for...

03:42 1. What you loved as a kid (Nietzsche)

06:31 2. What makes you jealous (Nietzsche)

10:15 3. What puts you into flow state (Csikszentmihalyi)

13:00 Break

15:56 4. What you see everywhere

16:32 The Invisible Gorilla Experiment

17:30 The Cocktail Party Effect

18:34 Attention as Devotion (Mary Oliver and Simone Weil)

19:00 5. What makes you uncomfortable (Carl Jung)

20:56 6. What connects you to the world (Bhagavad Gita)

23:30 7. What you want your purpose to be (Albert Camus)

26:36 8. Here and now (Alan Watts)

30:07 Lightning Round Summary

MY LINKS:

1. ​⁠⁠Preorder my poetry book MAKE BELIEVE from Blue Willow to get a free poem print and a personalized signed copy⁠⁠
2. ​⁠⁠Preorder MAKE BELIEVE from Amazon, Target, Barnes & Noble, and more! ⁠⁠
3. ​⁠⁠Join me in Bali June 1-7! ⁠⁠
4. ​⁠⁠Find me @thedailyvictorian on Instagram⁠⁠
5. ​⁠⁠Find me @thedailyvictorian on TikTok⁠

So you have a dream, huh? You're in the right place. You've probably heard this quote from the brilliant Brianna Wiest: Your new life will cost you your old one. Today we're diving into it. As someone who walked away from an old life for a new one this year, let me tell you - there are costs. In the past year, I have completely flipped my life on its head. I walked away from my job as an attorney to dive into the murky waters of creative work. This episode will discuss 10 things your new life will cost you.

SHOW LINKS:

1. Your Dreams Are For People Like You - listen to the episode of Shawna Krueger's podcast, Leadership and Yoga
2. Mind Magic: The Neuroscience of Manifestation, by James Doty, M.D.
3. Visual representation of Plato's Cave Allegory

MY LINKS:

1. ⁠Preorder my poetry book MAKE BELIEVE from Blue Willow to get a free poem print and a personalized signed copy⁠
2. ⁠Preorder MAKE BELIEVE from Amazon, Target, Barnes & Noble, and more! ⁠
3. ⁠Join me in Bali June 1-7! ⁠
4. ⁠Find me @thedailyvictorian on Instagram⁠
5. ⁠Find me @thedailyvictorian on TikTok⁠

The floating rock mentality—nihilism with rose-colored glasses—is quickly becoming the zeitgeist of spiritually deconstructed young people. What is it? How did we get here? Cosmologically speaking, are we really just insignificant creatures on an insignificant floating rock? Is life meaningless? What are the pros and cons of believing that it is? Is optimistic nihilism going to turn you into Tyler Durden or Jobu Tupaki? What can we learn from Nietzsche, Albert Camus and Sisyphus? How do we find value in a potentially meaningless universe? Are spirituality and rationality mutually exclusive on this floating rock in space?

JUMP AROUND

I. intro

II. disclaimers (2:37)

III. floating rock mentality (6:48)

a. what is it? (6:48)

b. how did we get here? (9:37)

c. is it true, literally & cosmologically speaking? (11:41)

(ad break)

IV. nietzsche and nihilist philosophy (21:24)

a. sad early life (22:19)

b. sad love life (23:58)

c. nietzsche’s philosophical model (24:47)

V. the pros of purposelessness (29:45)

VI. the cons (35:27)

a. will you turn into tyler durden/jobu tupaki? (36:57)

b. volatile valuation of your own life (40:50)

(ad break)

V. finding value in a (possibly) meaningless universe (43:06)

a. sisyphus (44:13)

b. albert camus on sisyphus (absurdism) (44:47)

VI. how does god fit into all of this? (50:25)

a. pascal’s wager (51:22)

b. choosing between purposelessness & spirituality (58:09)

c. redefining spirituality (1:00:06)

SOURCES & REFERENCES

re: rise in disaffiliation from organized religion among Gen-Z and millennials: https://tinyurl.com/2p9d5474

re: size of the universe, super habitable planets, SETI Luyten B communications: https://tinyurl.com/3kmyy5av; https://tinyurl.com/3hdc8u8m; https://www.seti.org

“Important” by Ian McConnell: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRGqbRHa/

Rhett McLoughlin spiritual deconstruction podcast episode: https://tinyurl.com/yytywu4c

Re: biographical info about Nietzsche: https://tinyurl.com/ye28xbxe; https://tinyurl.com/2za4nsc4

Nietzsche referenced works: Human, All-too-Human (1878), The Gay Science (1882, second expanded edition 1887), On the Genealogy of Morality (1887)

re: Lou Salome, Nietzsche’s love interest: https://tinyurl.com/5bvdymd7; https://tinyurl.com/5598dycu

Fight Club (1999) directed by David Fincher; starring Brad Pitt, Edward Norton, and Helena Bonham Carter

Everything Everywhere All At Once (2022) directed by Daniel Kwan and Daniel Scheinert; starring Michelle Yeoh, Ke Huy Quan and Stephanie Hsu

The Myth of Sisyphus by Albert Camus

Pascal’s Wager: https://tinyurl.com/ftrrssth; https://tinyurl.com/7nkhw79b

Let’s talk about death, baby. Today we’re asking: Why are we so afraid to die? Are we 21st century humans any different than Gilgamesh (remember Gilgamesh)? Who’s the most afraid of death: baby boomers, millennials or Gen-Z? Should you freeze your brain in case future humans figure out how not to die? What’s death meditation? Can Victoria talk about her spiritual breakthrough without sounding unbearably woo woo? How do we get less afraid to die???

JUMP AROUND:

I. disclaimers 0:37

II. what is death anxiety? 5:19

III. the paradox of being human (ernest becker) 8:09

IV. trying not to die across history (from gilgamesh to cryonics) 12:50

V. afterlife beliefs: then and now 17:13

ad break (are you proud of me or annoyed or both??)

VI. demographic differences in fear of death 20:03

a. nationality 20:49

b. religion 24:15

c. age 26:27

VII. my experiences with death anxiety 30:37

a. fear of being buried alive 33:53

b. false memories related to death 37:22

c. fear of oblivion 39:02

d. spiritual crisis 41:51

ad break

VIII. my experiences with death meditation 43:38

IX. my ego nap 51:44

SOURCES:

definition of death anxiety: https://tinyurl.com/death-anxiety 

Collett-Lester Fear Of Death Scale (CL-FODS): Cuniah M, Bréchon G, Bailly N. Validation of the Revised Collett-Lester Fear of Death Scale in a French Population. https://tinyurl.com/4sp6rh5k

re: the paradox of being human: The Denial of Death by Ernest Becker

re: trying not to die across history: The Epic of Gilgamesh; cryonics (https://tinyurl.com/yckp6jsf); monkey testicle transplant (https://tinyurl.com/3w3svbtm)

re: gen Z attitudes towards death: https://tinyurl.com/bdf2u9yx

re: nationality and religious divides in attitudes towards death https://tinyurl.com/m6f9mepx; the Multidimensional Fear of Death Scale (MFODS; Hoelter, 1979; Neimeyer & Moore, 1994), DePaola, Griffin, Young, and Neimeyer (2003); Duff and Hong (1995); Alvarado, Templer, Bresler, & Thomson-Dobson, 1995)

Is friendship harder than dating or are we all just a little gay? Who did friendship labels better, Aristotle or the Myspace Top 8? Was Alexander Hamilton bi or were we just more comfy with deep friend love back then? How do you make friends as an adult? Is the self care era making us bad friends? Can you love yourself well and love your friends well at the same time?

EPISODE SUMMARY

I. WHY IS MAKING FRIENDS SO HARD?(2:34)

a. no clear labels (3:22)

i. the myspace top 8 - a fleeting moment of clarity (5:47)

ii. aristotle's take on friendship labels (8:00)

b. no hallpass for jealousy (14:34)

i. alexander hamilton: bisexual or just comfy with friend love? (15:55)

c. no roadmap for initiating friendships (20:38)

d. we're all a little gay nowadays (24:05)

II. HOW DO YOU MAKE FRIENDS AS AN ADULT? (27:25)

a. using the internet (28:05)

b. get okay with pleasure-based friendships (31:00)

c. be patient (32:07)

d. emotional openness (32:56)

e. following through (34:53)

III. IS THE SELF CARE ERA MAKING US BAD FRIENDS? (36:33)

a. 2 stories about flakiness (37:53)

b. the self care over everything era (43:57)

c. how can we love ourselves and our friends well at the same time? (46:40)

SOURCES

Aristotle, Nichomachean Ethics

Glennon Doyle, Untamed

article re: Alexander Hamilton being bi: https://tinyurl.com/53328d5d

self care tweet by @kevinfarzad: https://tinyurl.com/yrddpaw6

Is discipline a dirty word in your book? Hustle culture and diet culture have turned a lot of us against discipline. Should discipline have a place in our lives post-hustle culture? How do you redirect your discipline towards your passions instead of your body and your job? How do you unplug from hustle culture without quitting your job/school? How do you remember your passions post-burnout? 

EPISODE SUMMARY: 

I. WHAT IS DISCIPLINE? (4:19)

II. THE #GIRLBOSS ERA (7:02)

a. post-2008 recession: lean in or lose your job (8:09)

b. 2010s: hustle culture and glorification of overworking (11:04)

c. 2014: rise of the #girlboss (15:38)

d. mounting pressure to have a side hustle: MLMs and beyond (17:35)

e. meanwhile, diet culture reigns supreme (18:26)

III. BUT I DON'T WANNA BE A GIRLBOSS - THE FALL OF HUSTLE CULTURE (20:58)

a. COVID, the great resignation and mass burnout (24:10)

b. growing anti-diet culture sentiment (25:55)

c. “soft living" trend / rejection of discipline (27:34)

IV. TAKING BACK DISCIPLINE (31:22)

a. my experience with burnout & rejecting discipline (31:52)

b. what life without discipline actually looks like (38:37)

c. non-hustle-y examples of discipline + reframing discipline as devotion (42:03)

d. but what if I can’t unplug from hustle culture? I have a job lol (44:19)

e. what if I don’t even remember who I am outside of work/school? (50:29)

SOURCES:

Merriam Webster (definitions of discipline and self-control)

Brittanica (definition of will power)

Re: discipline in the Spartan military (https://tinyurl.com/htb6sfrz/)

Re: hours spent on work and school in the US (https://tinyurl.com/bdhn7wz9; https://tinyurl.com/yeykvhdp; National Center for Education Statistics from September 2006)

Re: diet culture in the 2010s (https://tinyurl.com/2p5cbr89)

Re: weird habits of tech CEOs (https://tinyurl.com/4uw5tduh)

Re: Michelle Obama criticizing Lean In (https://tinyurl.com/yxruv83j)

"I don’t wanna be a girl boss” tiktok by @mjwritess (*corrected username) (https://tinyurl.com/jtbj4zc4)

Elon musk tweets (https://tinyurl.com/5bc272kc)