Soul Gum

We all want to be happy—but so many of the ways we chase happiness actually leave us more disconnected, burnt out, or empty than before. In this episode, we’ll walk through five of the most common happiness traps: the things we do to feel better that often make us feel worse. Along the way, we’ll explore what Nietzsche, Marx, and modern Slovenian philosopher Slavoj Žižek have to say about the pursuit of joy. Then, we’ll turn to one of the longest-running studies on happiness to ask the big question: when it comes to feeling good, what actually works?

No one has the secret to happiness. But a lot of smart people have said a lot of smart things that might help you feel better and access a little more joy. Let’s talk about it.

EPISODE OUTLINE 

00:00 Intro

01:18 Break

03:22 5 happiness traps 

03:27 1. Overconsumption 

06:00 Overconsumption starts with scarcity programming

07:11 Nietzsche & overconsumption as a way to fill the void 

10:37 2. Chasing achievements 

11:46 Slavoj Zizek and the duty to enjoy the grind

13:26“Don’t be ridiculous, Andrea. Everyone wants this.”

14:18 Superego injunction: “a million girls would kill to have this job”

15:22 On using a lack of happiness as fuel to grind 

15:56 3. Comparison 

18:11 Downward social comparison 

22:12 4. Self- and symptom-focused spiritual practices 

22:55 Marx on how economic systems shape values 

23:28 Self-centered spirituality in the West 

24:41 Spirituality as a bandaid vs a root cause solution (Zizek)

25:45 5. Isolation 

27:03 The hyperindividualism crisis

28:00 We owe each other stuff

28:17 We want things from each other, and we should

28:23 Harlow’s monkey study on attachment 

30:13 We’re living in our own worlds

31:28 So what DOES work? 

31:57 Harvard happiness study 

35:13 Challenge 

36:19 Lightning round recap

MY LINKS

• ⁠MAKE BELIEVE is out everywhere now⁠

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠• ⁠Get a signed copy of MAKE BELIEVE from Blue Willow Bookshop⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

• ⁠Let’s hang on tour!!⁠

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠• ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Join me in Bali June 1-7! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠• ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Find me @thedailyvictorian on Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠• ⁠⁠Find me @thedailyvictorian on TikTok⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 

I’m thinking of someone. Guess who? They’re a trailblazing artist. LGBTQ-adjacent. A Gemini from Long Island. An artist trying to make sense of rapid technological change and political division. No, not Lady Gaga. Not RuPaul. Not Frank Ocean. Think older. Centuries older. Today we’re talking about the great American poet, Walt Whitman.

Walt Whitman was born in 1819, but his world feels eerily familiar. His New York was reeling from technological change and caught in a web of political division. Sound familiar? In this episode, we explore Whitman’s life—from his roots as a Brooklyn typesetter to his rise as the great American poet. We’ll unpack his most famous work, Leaves of Grass, and the ideas in it that scandalized entire towns. We’ll talk about the beauty of contradiction, the divinity of the mundane, and the radical interconnectedness of all things. We’ll ask: what does it mean to write about hope and unity at a Time Like This? If you’re questioning how your art (or your heart) fits into a collapsing society, this episode is for you.

EPISODE OUTLINE 

00:00 Intro 

02:56 Life Update: Tour! USA Today Bestseller! Bali?

05:32 Walt Whitman: a Long Island Gemini  

06:03 1800s NY: Nationalism, populism, manifest destiny

07:52 Sound familiar? 

09:02 Walt Whitman’s early life

10:11 Walt Whitman, the reluctant teacher

11:05 Walt Whitman, the starving artist 

12:27 Walt Whitman does a social media detox

13:00 Walt Whitman emerges with a first draft

13:14 Leaves of Grass: not like other girls 

14:00 1855 Walt Whitman is giving Woodstock 

14:14 Publication expert level: just like us 

14:44 Walt Whitman gets left on read   

14:48 Enter: Ralph Waldo Emerson

15:54 Walt Whitman is his own cheerleader 

17:47 Walt Whitman is as petty as the rest of us

18:22 Leaves of Grass starts to get legs 

18:41 Leaves of Grass gets smuttier 

18:57 Walt Whitman is not an angel 

21:02 The Civil War changes everything 

22:21 Leaves of Grass, an OG banned book

23:01 Walt Whitman’s legacy 

24:03 Walt Whitman quotes that will change your brain chemistry

24:18 1. “Every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you”

25:07 My ego nap

25:59 2. “I am large, I contain multitudes” 

26:39 The categorification of the human experience

27:10 you are not a cottagecore coastal grandma clean girl mob wife u are a spiritual being having a human experience  

28:48 3. “The smallest sprout shows there really is no death”

31:09 4. “Do you guess I have some intricate purpose?”  

EPISODE LINKS

• Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman

• Stuff You Missed in History Class episode

• Comedy by Bo Burnham

• My Writer’s Digest article on writing about hope

MY LINKS

• MAKE BELIEVE is out everywhere now

⁠⁠⁠⁠• Get a signed copy of MAKE BELIEVE from Blue Willow Bookshop⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

• Let’s hang on tour!!

⁠⁠⁠⁠• ⁠⁠⁠⁠Join me in Bali June 1-7! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

⁠⁠⁠⁠• ⁠⁠⁠⁠Find me @thedailyvictorian on Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠

⁠⁠⁠⁠• ⁠Find me @thedailyvictorian on TikTok⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 

When was the last time you felt genuine awe? Not just happiness, not “that’s cool,” but deep, childlike wonder? In this episode, we explore 7 five-minutes-or-less practices that can help you feel more present, more alive, and more connected to the quiet magic all around you. 

EPISODE OUTLINE

00:00 Intro 

01:28 MAKE BELIEVE is out now

02:50 Come hang with me on tour?   

03:51 7 tiny ways to cultivate awe

03:54 1. Look closely at ordinary nature

04:20 The goggles of habit 

04:41 Walt Whitman: what is the grass?

05:27 Thich Nhat Hanh’s tangerine meditation

07:31 Rumi & the blurriness of separation 

09:14 2. Look up

10:00 The benefits of tree gazing

10:29 Mary Oliver’s When I Am Among the Trees

11:48 3. Unitask music 

11:55 Music used to be the main course

13:06 One song no multitasking challenge

13:29 Make an awe playlist 

13:40 4. Make unsmall small talk 

14:19 Martin Buber’s I-Thou vs I-It

15:50 Challenge: be aware during small talk

16:17 The sacred ground of connection

16:50 5. Remember pale blue dot 

17:08 The Voyager photo

17:36 Carl Sagan’s Pale Blue Dot 

19:10 Pondering our tininess 

21:04 6. Make an awe signal

22:21 7. Keep an awe list 

22:43 The Zeigarnik Effect

24:53 Lightning round recap

EPISODE LINKS

• @boywaif post on the goggles of habit

• Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman

• Peace is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh

• Sometimes & When I Am Among the Trees by Mary Oliver

• Carl Sagan’s Pale Blue Dot

• I and Thou by Martin Buber

• Rumi (Coleman Bark’s Essential Rumi) 

• The Zeigarnick Effect 

MY LINKS

• MAKE BELIEVE is out everywhere now

⁠⁠⁠⁠• Get a signed copy of MAKE BELIEVE from Blue Willow Bookshop⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

• Let’s hang on tour!!

⁠⁠⁠⁠• ⁠⁠⁠⁠Join me in Bali June 1-7! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

⁠⁠⁠⁠• ⁠⁠⁠⁠Find me @thedailyvictorian on Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠

⁠⁠⁠⁠• ⁠Find me @thedailyvictorian on TikTok⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 

We romanticize big life changes—quitting the job, moving to the dream city, chasing the thing we’ve always wanted. But big changes have big side effects. And if you don’t see them coming, they might just send you running back to the life you were trying to leave behind. In this episode, we’re breaking down six warnings I wish someone had told me before I changed everything. If you’re craving a big shift, let’s make sure you’re ready for it.

EPISODE OUTLINE

00:00 Intro 

01:45 Life update + tour!  

05:52 6 warnings about changing your life 

06:14 1. It will not automatically make you happy

07:44 Harvard happiness study

08:34 The hedonic treadmill 

9:54 2. You will have an identity crisis  

10:12 Ship of Theseus 

11:40 3. You’ll probably feel stuck

12:04 Diamond Example 

13:12 Change happens at tipping points 

15:31 4. It never stops feeling vulnerable

15:55 Asch conformity study 

17:18 The neuroscience of fear & hope

19:43 It’s only embarrassing if you’re embarrassed

22:33 5. There’s no magic pill 

24:32 6. You’ll feel torn between who you were and who you’re becoming 

24:52 Janus, the Roman god of transitions

27:18 Lightning round recap

MY LINKS

⁠⁠⁠⁠• Preorder my poetry book MAKE BELIEVE from Blue Willow to get a free poem print and a personalized signed copy⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

• ⁠⁠⁠⁠Preorder MAKE BELIEVE from Amazon, Target, Barnes & Noble, and more⁠⁠⁠⁠

• Let’s hang on tour!!

⁠⁠⁠⁠• ⁠⁠⁠⁠Get the Believe Again yoga flow, guided meditation and mini-journal bundle free when you preorder MAKE BELIEVE!⁠⁠⁠⁠

⁠⁠⁠⁠• ⁠⁠⁠⁠Join me in Bali June 1-7! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

⁠⁠⁠⁠• ⁠⁠⁠⁠Find me @thedailyvictorian on Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠

⁠⁠⁠⁠• ⁠Find me @thedailyvictorian on TikTok⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 

EPISODE LINKS

⁠⁠⁠⁠• Ship of Theseus 

⁠⁠⁠⁠• Harvard happiness study

⁠⁠⁠⁠• The hedonic treadmill 

⁠⁠⁠⁠• Digging for diamonds cartoon

⁠⁠⁠⁠• Janus: the god of doors, gates and transitions

Don’t press play unless you’re ready for big change. This isn’t a normal  podcast episode—it’s a guided practice designed to help you step into the next chapter of you with clarity and intention. Maybe you’re on the brink of a big life change. Or maybe you feel stuck and just know it's time for a shift. This episode will walk you through the five-step practice that completely changed my life. In it, we'll learn about the neuroscience of manifestation, do a guided meditation, journal, and come on the other side of the episode with a clear plan routing towards our dreams.

EPISODE OUTLINE

00:00 Intro

08:13 Agenda

09:25 Plato's Cave Allegory

13:22 The neuroscience of manifestation

16:14 The reflection practice that changed my life

16:36 Step 1: Define your current chapter

20:37 Step 2: Define your next chapter

22:53 Step 3: Guided visualization meditation

37:32 Step 4: Journaling

38:26 4a. Reflect on the chapter that’s ending

40:56 4b. Set intentions for your next chapter 

43:29 4c. Set SMAAART* goals 

47:33 4d. Plan your trust-building week 

52:23 Step 5: Believing

MY LINKS

1. ⁠⁠⁠⁠Preorder my poetry book MAKE BELIEVE from Blue Willow to get a free poem print and a personalized signed copy⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
2. ⁠⁠⁠⁠Preorder MAKE BELIEVE from Amazon, Target, Barnes & Noble, and more⁠⁠⁠⁠
3. Let’s hang on tour!!
4. ⁠⁠⁠⁠Get the Believe Again yoga flow, guided meditation and mini-journal bundle free when you preorder MAKE BELIEVE!⁠⁠⁠⁠
5. ⁠⁠⁠⁠Join me in Bali June 1-7! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
6. ⁠⁠⁠⁠Find me @thedailyvictorian on Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠
7. ⁠Find me @thedailyvictorian on TikTok⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 

Admit it: you’re still thinking about that cringey thing you did 6 years ago. Maybe it was something you said. Something you did. Something that haunts you at 2 AM when your brain decides to rerun its most humiliating blooper reel.

Today, we’re breaking down exactly how to move past an embarrassing moment in 5 steps. We’ll talk about why your brain refuses to let things go, how the spotlight effect makes you think people care way more than they actually do, and the five fastest ways to shake off the cringe and move on with your life.

EPISODE OUTLINE

00:00 Intro 

02:06 Preorder Make Believe! Come see me on tour!

02:44 Why do we feel embarrassment? 

03:50 Embarrassment scale 

03:57 Tier 1: slight cringe

05:07 Tier 2: mild cringe

07:07 Tier 3: proper humiliation 

11:09 Tier 4: deep humiliation 

13:29 Tier 5: existential humiliation

15:45 Jean Paul Sartre’s the gaze 

17:50 The spotlight effect

18:44 Social media and the spotlight effect

19:30 5 tips for navigating embarrassing moments

19:3 6 Break - Book! Bali! Tour! 

25:25 1. Remember the spotlight is not real

29:51 2. Call it out as it’s happening 

32:49 3. Tell someone 

34:27 4. Figure out the root

35:58 5. Own it and then move on 

40:07 Challenge 

MY LINKS

1. ⁠⁠⁠⁠Preorder my poetry book MAKE BELIEVE from Blue Willow to get a free poem print and a personalized signed copy⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
2. ⁠⁠⁠⁠Preorder MAKE BELIEVE from Amazon, Target, Barnes & Noble, and more⁠⁠⁠⁠
3. Let’s hang on tour!!
4. ⁠⁠⁠⁠Get the Believe Again yoga flow, guided meditation and mini-journal bundle free when you preorder MAKE BELIEVE!⁠⁠⁠⁠
5. ⁠⁠⁠⁠Join me in Bali June 1-7! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
6. ⁠⁠⁠⁠Find me @thedailyvictorian on Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠
7. ⁠Find me @thedailyvictorian on TikTok⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 

EPISODE LINKS

Spotlight Effect Study 

Spotlight Effect and Social Media Study 

Jean Paul Sartre’s Being and Nothingness 

Creatives, I’m looking at you. In today’s episode, I walk you through exactly how I lost my creative spark in the Internet’s sea of opinions and how I got it back. When did we forget that art is supposed to make us clutch our pearls? And how do we remember? If you want to stop praying to the altar of the comment section, this episode is for you. We’ll walk through 4 things that helped me start making chewy, brave art again. 

You owe it to yourself to stop sanitizing your art. This episode is a messy, raw field guide on how to do that—from another creative climbing out of the same boat. 

00:00 Intro 

02:09 Preorder MAKE BELIEVE! Let’s hang on tour!

02:44 Are vulnerability and nuance needed for good art?

03:13 Did video kill the radio star? Will IG poetry kill literary poetry?

04:04 Taylor Swift’s quill, fountain pen, glitter gel pen buckets of art 

04:40 Sugarcoated self love: helpful or hurtful? 

05:28 Should we think about the audience when we make art?

05:42 Rick Rubin & “the audience eats last”

06:20 Is social media tainting our intentions as artists? 

08:13 Art as an offering vs. art as an outlet  

08:33 How to gut your art of meaning 

09:20 My own experience navigating this, good and bad

11:47 Should artists care about views and engagement?

12:27 Microwaving our art to keep pace with the algorithm

13:52 Having no haters is not a badge of honor 

14:45 “Bad takes” vs “good takes” and the erasure of nuance  

15:10 Moral imposter syndrome and curated vulnerability

16:55 The big, messy mistakes we don’t hear about

17:33 Stop sanitizing your art 

17:57 Ellen Bass & art that makes you clutch your pearls 

18:31 Relax by Ellen Bass 

19:11 Art for likes versus art for thought 

19:36 So how do we take our brains back? 

19:59 Break - with a big surprise!

23:47 4 ways to take our creative spark back

23:57 1. Notice the voices in your head 

24:57 2. Temper vulnerability with respect for your privacy

26:07 3. Create art with urgency 

26:21 A Little Life & commodified art vs art for art’s sake

28:42 Mary Oliver on getting distracted from your art

30:55 4. Get off your phone 

32:00 How to start a fire, literally & creatively

33:57 Your art misses you 

35:34 I ♡ your thoughts 

36:27 Challenge: make something scary this week 

37:14 You are not out of good ideas

MY LINKS

1. ⁠⁠⁠⁠Preorder my poetry book MAKE BELIEVE from Blue Willow to get a free poem print and a personalized signed copy⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
2. ⁠⁠⁠⁠Preorder MAKE BELIEVE from Amazon, Target, Barnes & Noble, and more⁠⁠⁠⁠
3. Let’s hang on tour!!
4. ⁠⁠⁠⁠Get the Believe Again yoga flow, guided meditation and mini-journal bundle free when you preorder MAKE BELIEVE!⁠⁠⁠⁠
5. ⁠⁠⁠⁠Join me in Bali June 1-7! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
6. ⁠⁠⁠⁠Find me @thedailyvictorian on Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
7. ⁠Find me @thedailyvictorian on TikTok⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 

EPISODE LINKS

• ⁠Joy Sullivan’s poetry masterclass⁠⁠ - brought up so much thought and a big breakthrough for me. Dives into what it means to make vulnerable, surprising art. 
• ⁠⁠Taylor Swift accepting Songwriter-Artist of the Decade at the Nashville Songwriter Awards⁠⁠, discussing her quill, fountain pen and glitter gel pen lyric categories 
• ⁠⁠The Creative Act by Rick Rubin⁠⁠ and ⁠⁠Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert⁠⁠ - two of my favorite books on the creative process, both talked about in this episode
• ⁠⁠Relax by Ellen Bass⁠⁠ - one of my many favorite poems by Ellen Bass, who IMO is the blueprint for writing gutsy, gritty poems. Could not recommend her books⁠⁠ Like a Begger, Mules of Love, and Indigo⁠⁠ more. 
• ⁠⁠A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara⁠⁠ - the novel with the passage I read about commodified art vs art for art’s sake. 
• ⁠⁠Upstream by Mary Oliver⁠⁠ - the book with the passage I read about getting distracted. If you need a reminder of the cost of hiding from your truth, read chapter 3.

Confidence isn’t just something you have—it’s something you do. Today, we’re breaking down 8 small but powerful shifts that will instantly change how others see you and how you feel about yourself. These aren’t generic “believe in yourself” tips. These are super specific, research-backed tips that will instantly improve your confidence. We’re diving into original sources ranging from Plato’s the Republic to HBO’s Euphoria to ask: what does it mean to be a confident person? And how do you become one? If you want to show up in the next conversation you have as most magnetic, grounded, and comfy-in-your-skin version of yourself—this episode is for you.

EPISODE OUTLINE

00:00 Intro

03:42 The philosophy of confidence 

03:55 Plato’s virtue of the mean

05:30 Maddy from Euphoria on confidence

06:49 8 shifts for instant confidence 

07:18 Break - with a surprise for you! 

11:12 1. The power of the pause 

13:35 2. Watch overactive listening 

16:02 3. Open body language

18:29 4. Handshakes are hot 

20:34 5. Rephrase mirrored questions

24:04 6. Slow blink rate 

26:43 7. Watch upspeak 

29:22 8. Call them by their name

32:32 Lightning round recap

MY LINKS

1. ⁠⁠⁠Preorder my poetry book MAKE BELIEVE from Blue Willow to get a free poem print and a personalized signed copy⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
2. ⁠⁠⁠Preorder MAKE BELIEVE from Amazon, Target, Barnes & Noble, and more⁠⁠⁠
3. ⁠⁠⁠Get the Believe Again yoga flow, guided meditation and mini-journal bundle free when you preorder MAKE BELIEVE!⁠⁠⁠
4. ⁠⁠⁠Join me in Bali June 1-7! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
5. ⁠⁠⁠Find me @thedailyvictorian on Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
6. Find me @thedailyvictorian on TikTok⁠⁠⁠⁠ 

EPISODE LINKS

• ⁠On nonverbal dominance⁠
• ⁠How open body language makes us more attractive⁠
• ⁠The calming effect of physical touch⁠
• ⁠The power of handshakes⁠
• ⁠TALK: The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves by Allison Woods Brooks⁠
• ⁠Thinking Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman⁠
• ⁠The body language of the eyes (re: blink rate)⁠
• ⁠The neuroscience of calling people by their name

We live in an age of seemingly infinite options. The internet has thousands of pages of search results for that thing you need to buy. Endless entertainment awaits on streaming platforms and social media. Dating apps offer a never-ending scroll of potential partners. So why does it feel impossible to find what we need? Why can’t you pick a movie to watch? Why is it harder than ever to find someone to love? 

This episodes discusses the paradox of choice: the idea that more choices often make us less happy. Is more less when it comes to choices? If so, how can we live happily in an age of infinite options? Let's talk about it.

EPISODE OUTLINE:

00:00 Intro

01:51 What is the paradox of choice?

02:37 Stanford jam study

06:12 Dating apps

07:10 Decision paralysis

08:53 Opportunity costs

09:13 Sylvia Plath's fig tree allegory

12:08 Expectation inflation

15:05 So what do we do about it?

15:57 Break

21:01 Kierkegaard's leap of faith

22:10 The Midnight Library by Matt Haig

24:17 Nietzsche's amor fati

27:49 Satisficing

30:00 The next right thing

MY LINKS:

1. ⁠Preorder my poetry book MAKE BELIEVE from Blue Willow to get a free poem print and a personalized signed copy⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
2. ⁠Preorder MAKE BELIEVE from Amazon, Target, Barnes & Noble, and more⁠
3. ⁠Get the Believe Again yoga flow, guided meditation and mini-journal bundle free when you preorder MAKE BELIEVE!⁠
4. ⁠Join me in Bali June 1-7! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
5. ⁠Find me @thedailyvictorian on Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
6. ⁠Find me @thedailyvictorian on TikTok⁠⁠ 

Friend breakups hit different. They’re messy, heartbreaking, and rarely come with closure. In today’s episode, we’re breaking down five of the most common types of friendship breakups, why they happen, and how to survive them without losing your mind (or your faith in humanity). If you’ve ever mourned a friendship like it was a death, this one’s for you.

EPISODE OUTLINE:

00:00 Intro 

03:21 1. The Mutual Drift

04:18 Aristotle’s utility, pleasure and virtue friendships

06:46 Dunbar’s number: how many friendships can we maintain at once?

08:25 Carl Jung & making friends while wearing a mask

09:40 Mollenhorst’s social pruning study

10:06 Getting through a mutual drift

11:51 Break - with a surprise! 

15:23 2. The One-Sided Slow Fade

17:00 How to get through it on the receiving end 

19:09 What if you’re the one who’s fading away from a friend? 

21:22 3. The Formal Breakup 

23:38 How to break up with a friend ethically

24:47 Getting through a friend breaking up with you 

25:34 4. The Blow Up 

26:42 Sartre & conflict as a mirror of the self  

27:44 Getting through a friendship blowing up 

28:21 Hegel & conflict as an engine for growth

29:26 5. The Sudden Ghost 

30:23 Getting through being ghosted by a friend

32:06 Lightning round recap 

32:39 The peak-end rule 

34:02 Journaling prompts for processing a friendship breakup 

34:33 Poem: To Strangers I Used to Know

MY LINKS

Your attention is sacred. It’s also for sale. 

Maybe the reason you can’t get off your phone or stop wasting your Saturdays streaming a show you’ll forget the moment you finish the last episode or do what you say you will isn’t because you’re lazy. It’s not because you don’t want it badly enough. It’s not because you haven’t locked in. Maybe the reason you can’t focus is bigger than you entirely. 

Today’s episode dives into the hidden reason we distract ourselves from our own lives and leaves you with 5 bite-sized ways to reclaim your brain. My fellow doomscrollers, rotters, and TikTok ban mourners: this one’s for you. 

EPISODE OUTLINE:

02:18 The spiritual source of distraction

02:29 I. Nietzsche: staring into the abyss    

03:43 II. Kierkegaard: sickness unto death

04:46 III. Victor Frankl: the search for meaning

08:04 IV. Kali yuga: the age of distraction 

09:16 Enter: the attention economy 

10:15 The Dorito theory 

14:23 So what do we do about it?

14:31 5 steps to take back your focus

14:42 Break - with a surprise for you!

18:14 Step 1: the art of unitasking 

23:05 Step 2: giving attention vs having it taken

25:14 Step 3: Dorito vs dinner list

26:48 Step 4: Dorito ritual 

29:18 Step 5: Focus ritual

31:24 Lightning round recap

MY LINKS:

1. Preorder my poetry book MAKE BELIEVE from Blue Willow to get a free poem print and a personalized signed copy⁠⁠
2. Preorder MAKE BELIEVE from Amazon, Target, Barnes & Noble, and more
3. Get the Believe Again yoga flow, guided meditation and mini-journal bundle free when you preorder MAKE BELIEVE!
4. Join me in Bali June 1-7! ⁠⁠
5. Find me @thedailyvictorian on Instagram⁠⁠
6. Find me @thedailyvictorian on TikTok⁠ (if it ever gets un-banned...)

SHOW LINKS:

1. Dorito theory TikTok
2. Slot machine dopamine study
3. Study on the cognitive strain of multitasking

This episode should be called ten HARD TO HEAR things about dating I wish I knew in my twenties because... oof. Buckle up. The dating scene in your twenties is the trenches. I wish I could go back in time and tell all this to younger me. It would save her so many hours and tears and good outfits on bad dates with people who don't like her. Instead, I'll tell you. I learned each of these lessons the hard way, but you don't have to! I present to you: 10 things I wish I knew about dating in my twenties.

EPISODE OUTLINE

00:00 Intro 

01:20 Break

04:09 If they treat you like they don’t care, they don’t

06:41 Someone not liking you doesn't make them a catch

10:06 Running at the first sign of conflict isn’t a flex

13:21 If you’re attracted to games, you’re the problem

16:36 Stop seeking closure from your exes 

19:05 Don’t date their potential

20:14 Being single rocks

23:05 Love is not all you need 

23:36 You can’t make them stay if they want to go

30:58 You can’t scare away the right person

33:39 Lightning round recap

LINKS:

1. Preorder my poetry book MAKE BELIEVE from Blue Willow to get a free poem print and a personalized signed copy
2. Preorder MAKE BELIEVE from Amazon, Target, Barnes & Noble, and more!
3. Join me in Bali June 1-7!
4. Find me @thedailyvictorian on Instagram
5. Find me @thedailyvictorian on TikTok

Feel like you’re meant for something more but can’t put your finger on what that “more” is? This episode is here to help. The bad news is: finding your purpose in a world full of distractions and expectations is hard. Like, super hard. The good news is: we’ve been struggling with this since the dawn of humanity, so lots of extremely smart people have piped up about it.

Clues to your purpose are hiding in unexpected places. Today, we’ll explore 8 of those clues, as proposed by some of humanity’s greatest minds. Consider this episode a field guide out of your existential crisis. Brought to you by me: your friendly neighborhood lawyer-turned-creative, fresh out of the trenches of living someone else’s life. 

SHOW OUTLINE:

00:00 Intro

03:14 If you're looking for your purpose, look for...

03:42 1. What you loved as a kid (Nietzsche)

06:31 2. What makes you jealous (Nietzsche)

10:15 3. What puts you into flow state (Csikszentmihalyi)

13:00 Break

15:56 4. What you see everywhere

16:32 The Invisible Gorilla Experiment

17:30 The Cocktail Party Effect

18:34 Attention as Devotion (Mary Oliver and Simone Weil)

19:00 5. What makes you uncomfortable (Carl Jung)

20:56 6. What connects you to the world (Bhagavad Gita)

23:30 7. What you want your purpose to be (Albert Camus)

26:36 8. Here and now (Alan Watts)

30:07 Lightning Round Summary

MY LINKS:

1. ​⁠⁠Preorder my poetry book MAKE BELIEVE from Blue Willow to get a free poem print and a personalized signed copy⁠⁠
2. ​⁠⁠Preorder MAKE BELIEVE from Amazon, Target, Barnes & Noble, and more! ⁠⁠
3. ​⁠⁠Join me in Bali June 1-7! ⁠⁠
4. ​⁠⁠Find me @thedailyvictorian on Instagram⁠⁠
5. ​⁠⁠Find me @thedailyvictorian on TikTok⁠

So you have a dream, huh? You're in the right place. You've probably heard this quote from the brilliant Brianna Wiest: Your new life will cost you your old one. Today we're diving into it. As someone who walked away from an old life for a new one this year, let me tell you - there are costs. In the past year, I have completely flipped my life on its head. I walked away from my job as an attorney to dive into the murky waters of creative work. This episode will discuss 10 things your new life will cost you.

SHOW LINKS:

1. Your Dreams Are For People Like You - listen to the episode of Shawna Krueger's podcast, Leadership and Yoga
2. Mind Magic: The Neuroscience of Manifestation, by James Doty, M.D.
3. Visual representation of Plato's Cave Allegory

MY LINKS:

1. ⁠Preorder my poetry book MAKE BELIEVE from Blue Willow to get a free poem print and a personalized signed copy⁠
2. ⁠Preorder MAKE BELIEVE from Amazon, Target, Barnes & Noble, and more! ⁠
3. ⁠Join me in Bali June 1-7! ⁠
4. ⁠Find me @thedailyvictorian on Instagram⁠
5. ⁠Find me @thedailyvictorian on TikTok⁠

The floating rock mentality—nihilism with rose-colored glasses—is quickly becoming the zeitgeist of spiritually deconstructed young people. What is it? How did we get here? Cosmologically speaking, are we really just insignificant creatures on an insignificant floating rock? Is life meaningless? What are the pros and cons of believing that it is? Is optimistic nihilism going to turn you into Tyler Durden or Jobu Tupaki? What can we learn from Nietzsche, Albert Camus and Sisyphus? How do we find value in a potentially meaningless universe? Are spirituality and rationality mutually exclusive on this floating rock in space?

JUMP AROUND

I. intro

II. disclaimers (2:37)

III. floating rock mentality (6:48)

a. what is it? (6:48)

b. how did we get here? (9:37)

c. is it true, literally & cosmologically speaking? (11:41)

(ad break)

IV. nietzsche and nihilist philosophy (21:24)

a. sad early life (22:19)

b. sad love life (23:58)

c. nietzsche’s philosophical model (24:47)

V. the pros of purposelessness (29:45)

VI. the cons (35:27)

a. will you turn into tyler durden/jobu tupaki? (36:57)

b. volatile valuation of your own life (40:50)

(ad break)

V. finding value in a (possibly) meaningless universe (43:06)

a. sisyphus (44:13)

b. albert camus on sisyphus (absurdism) (44:47)

VI. how does god fit into all of this? (50:25)

a. pascal’s wager (51:22)

b. choosing between purposelessness & spirituality (58:09)

c. redefining spirituality (1:00:06)

SOURCES & REFERENCES

re: rise in disaffiliation from organized religion among Gen-Z and millennials: https://tinyurl.com/2p9d5474

re: size of the universe, super habitable planets, SETI Luyten B communications: https://tinyurl.com/3kmyy5av; https://tinyurl.com/3hdc8u8m; https://www.seti.org

“Important” by Ian McConnell: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRGqbRHa/

Rhett McLoughlin spiritual deconstruction podcast episode: https://tinyurl.com/yytywu4c

Re: biographical info about Nietzsche: https://tinyurl.com/ye28xbxe; https://tinyurl.com/2za4nsc4

Nietzsche referenced works: Human, All-too-Human (1878), The Gay Science (1882, second expanded edition 1887), On the Genealogy of Morality (1887)

re: Lou Salome, Nietzsche’s love interest: https://tinyurl.com/5bvdymd7; https://tinyurl.com/5598dycu

Fight Club (1999) directed by David Fincher; starring Brad Pitt, Edward Norton, and Helena Bonham Carter

Everything Everywhere All At Once (2022) directed by Daniel Kwan and Daniel Scheinert; starring Michelle Yeoh, Ke Huy Quan and Stephanie Hsu

The Myth of Sisyphus by Albert Camus

Pascal’s Wager: https://tinyurl.com/ftrrssth; https://tinyurl.com/7nkhw79b

Let’s talk about death, baby. Today we’re asking: Why are we so afraid to die? Are we 21st century humans any different than Gilgamesh (remember Gilgamesh)? Who’s the most afraid of death: baby boomers, millennials or Gen-Z? Should you freeze your brain in case future humans figure out how not to die? What’s death meditation? Can Victoria talk about her spiritual breakthrough without sounding unbearably woo woo? How do we get less afraid to die???

JUMP AROUND:

I. disclaimers 0:37

II. what is death anxiety? 5:19

III. the paradox of being human (ernest becker) 8:09

IV. trying not to die across history (from gilgamesh to cryonics) 12:50

V. afterlife beliefs: then and now 17:13

ad break (are you proud of me or annoyed or both??)

VI. demographic differences in fear of death 20:03

a. nationality 20:49

b. religion 24:15

c. age 26:27

VII. my experiences with death anxiety 30:37

a. fear of being buried alive 33:53

b. false memories related to death 37:22

c. fear of oblivion 39:02

d. spiritual crisis 41:51

ad break

VIII. my experiences with death meditation 43:38

IX. my ego nap 51:44

SOURCES:

definition of death anxiety: https://tinyurl.com/death-anxiety 

Collett-Lester Fear Of Death Scale (CL-FODS): Cuniah M, Bréchon G, Bailly N. Validation of the Revised Collett-Lester Fear of Death Scale in a French Population. https://tinyurl.com/4sp6rh5k

re: the paradox of being human: The Denial of Death by Ernest Becker

re: trying not to die across history: The Epic of Gilgamesh; cryonics (https://tinyurl.com/yckp6jsf); monkey testicle transplant (https://tinyurl.com/3w3svbtm)

re: gen Z attitudes towards death: https://tinyurl.com/bdf2u9yx

re: nationality and religious divides in attitudes towards death https://tinyurl.com/m6f9mepx; the Multidimensional Fear of Death Scale (MFODS; Hoelter, 1979; Neimeyer & Moore, 1994), DePaola, Griffin, Young, and Neimeyer (2003); Duff and Hong (1995); Alvarado, Templer, Bresler, & Thomson-Dobson, 1995)

Is friendship harder than dating or are we all just a little gay? Who did friendship labels better, Aristotle or the Myspace Top 8? Was Alexander Hamilton bi or were we just more comfy with deep friend love back then? How do you make friends as an adult? Is the self care era making us bad friends? Can you love yourself well and love your friends well at the same time?

EPISODE SUMMARY

I. WHY IS MAKING FRIENDS SO HARD?(2:34)

a. no clear labels (3:22)

i. the myspace top 8 - a fleeting moment of clarity (5:47)

ii. aristotle's take on friendship labels (8:00)

b. no hallpass for jealousy (14:34)

i. alexander hamilton: bisexual or just comfy with friend love? (15:55)

c. no roadmap for initiating friendships (20:38)

d. we're all a little gay nowadays (24:05)

II. HOW DO YOU MAKE FRIENDS AS AN ADULT? (27:25)

a. using the internet (28:05)

b. get okay with pleasure-based friendships (31:00)

c. be patient (32:07)

d. emotional openness (32:56)

e. following through (34:53)

III. IS THE SELF CARE ERA MAKING US BAD FRIENDS? (36:33)

a. 2 stories about flakiness (37:53)

b. the self care over everything era (43:57)

c. how can we love ourselves and our friends well at the same time? (46:40)

SOURCES

Aristotle, Nichomachean Ethics

Glennon Doyle, Untamed

article re: Alexander Hamilton being bi: https://tinyurl.com/53328d5d

self care tweet by @kevinfarzad: https://tinyurl.com/yrddpaw6

Is discipline a dirty word in your book? Hustle culture and diet culture have turned a lot of us against discipline. Should discipline have a place in our lives post-hustle culture? How do you redirect your discipline towards your passions instead of your body and your job? How do you unplug from hustle culture without quitting your job/school? How do you remember your passions post-burnout? 

EPISODE SUMMARY: 

I. WHAT IS DISCIPLINE? (4:19)

II. THE #GIRLBOSS ERA (7:02)

a. post-2008 recession: lean in or lose your job (8:09)

b. 2010s: hustle culture and glorification of overworking (11:04)

c. 2014: rise of the #girlboss (15:38)

d. mounting pressure to have a side hustle: MLMs and beyond (17:35)

e. meanwhile, diet culture reigns supreme (18:26)

III. BUT I DON'T WANNA BE A GIRLBOSS - THE FALL OF HUSTLE CULTURE (20:58)

a. COVID, the great resignation and mass burnout (24:10)

b. growing anti-diet culture sentiment (25:55)

c. “soft living" trend / rejection of discipline (27:34)

IV. TAKING BACK DISCIPLINE (31:22)

a. my experience with burnout & rejecting discipline (31:52)

b. what life without discipline actually looks like (38:37)

c. non-hustle-y examples of discipline + reframing discipline as devotion (42:03)

d. but what if I can’t unplug from hustle culture? I have a job lol (44:19)

e. what if I don’t even remember who I am outside of work/school? (50:29)

SOURCES:

Merriam Webster (definitions of discipline and self-control)

Brittanica (definition of will power)

Re: discipline in the Spartan military (https://tinyurl.com/htb6sfrz/)

Re: hours spent on work and school in the US (https://tinyurl.com/bdhn7wz9; https://tinyurl.com/yeykvhdp; National Center for Education Statistics from September 2006)

Re: diet culture in the 2010s (https://tinyurl.com/2p5cbr89)

Re: weird habits of tech CEOs (https://tinyurl.com/4uw5tduh)

Re: Michelle Obama criticizing Lean In (https://tinyurl.com/yxruv83j)

"I don’t wanna be a girl boss” tiktok by @mjwritess (*corrected username) (https://tinyurl.com/jtbj4zc4)

Elon musk tweets (https://tinyurl.com/5bc272kc)