Two Boys in a Balcony

Well well well look it is. Our ooooold friend the Godfather colon part two. Yup. That's right. Once again dedicating February 2021 to the late, great John Cazale has finally paid off because for the second time in three weeks, Sean didn't have to rewatch the movie! The Godfather colon part two is incredible but it's long and there's so many other movies to see and we talk about them and more this week in the Balcony. 

What's good, rummy? It's old timey days in the Balcony today so 23 skidooo or whatever the hell... it's the greatest con of all... TWO BOYS IN A BALCONY TALKING ABOUT THE STING! It's the second of two Redford/Newman collabs and the only one to win the big dawg award for biggest dawgs in dawgville. It's a fun one today probably we hope. Godspeed and good riddance or something nicer. I hate writing these. 

Hey gang. Look. We did the Godather way back in Cazalentine's 2021. So we reposted that episode. But we really wanted to talk about Cabaret and Deliverance and also two other movies I can't remember right now. But i'm sure they're good. They were nominated for best picture. When was the last time a bad movie ever got nominated for Best Picutre, Joker?

Bond with a snail and punch a mime cause it's the French Connection!

Hey there! It's me, Sean, from the future, bringing you an episode from the past! We were supposed to record an episode about the best picture winning film, the French Connection, but everything feels bad right now and talking about one of the worst cops of all time didn't sound like it was going to make us feel any better about anything so here's an old episode on the movie the Cider House Rules. We don't have a patreon but if you wanted to throw a couple bucks to the Eastern Massachusetts Abortion Fund at https://emafund.org/ that seems like a good thing you could do. 

Gather round, you princes of Maine, you kings of New England, you fakers of medical degress, you cuckolds of vets... it's the Cider House Rules today in the Balcony. What business are you in? Cause we're in the watching movies and then talking about the movies biz and boy howdy have we got a movie that we watched and want to talk about. Nominated for more Academy Awards than anybody could justify 20 years later, we tackle all the hardest hitting questions one could have from watching this film such as who is Sean's best friend? Why it's your friendly neighborhood apple picker. Too bad Tobey Maguire didn't have his organic web shooters yet cause that would have made picking apples so much more efficient, we could have avoided an entire incest subplot. The Cider House Rules stars Tobey Maguire, Charlize Theron, Michael Caine, Roman Roy, Delroy Lindo, a bucket of apples and mostly Paul Rudd.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTTIIIIIIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOONNNNNN AT EASE ABOUT FACE Ladies and gentlemen, we didn't lose the episode this time! It's Patton! A movie about a dick who won a war or something. George C Scott seems like a pill and George S Patton seems like a psycho but God Bless them both because we got to watch fake tanks fight! It's Patton! Patton on the Ritz! If anybody wants to write these, please email me your episode descriptions to [email protected] and also money

Well, I'm packin up my game and I'ma head out west, where real women come equipped wit' scripts and fake breasts. Find a nest in the hills, chill like flynt. Buy an old drop-top, find a spot to pimp. Then I'ma Two Boys in a Balcony-it up and down ya' block, With a bottle of scotch and watch lotsa crotch. Buy a yacht with a flag sayin' "chillin' the most." Then rock that bitch up and down the coast. 

Yee-haw motherfathers! This week on the Balcony, we're talking scumbag classic Midnight Cowboy, the only X-rated film to ever win Best Picture and boy howdy is it scummy? I don't know about this one. You're telling me a cowboy is gonna midnight? Come on. Anywho grab a bus ticket to Florida and cuddle a corpse cause it's Two Boys in a Balcony. 

Why should I worry? Why should I caaaaaaaa-aaaaaa-aaaaaare? I hope when Billy Joel drove through the front of your house, he didn't damage your dad's Hi-Fi because this week on the Balcony the boys have gone to the dogs? That's right! We watched the 1988 Disney classic(?) Oliver and Company which incredibly was named the Best Picture of 1968 at the 1969 Academy Awards! Confused? Need me to draw you a map? It's not going to help solve the very simple comedic confusion I've introduced but it will lead you to the help you need. You're going to need supplies. Do you have a fanny pack? Yes? Throw it away. Where we're going, everything needs to be contained within the body cavity. Don't walk away. The future of the past depends on your actions right here in the present.... where are you going? 

Sure they call it In the Heat of the Night but an awful lot of it takes place in the heat of the day! That's funny! Yo it's the Balcony Boys and we're here once again to discuss the 40th film to be named Best Picture by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences but more than that, we're talking about one of the most important years in cinematic history! What? That's right, punks! Golden Hollywood is fading away and New Hollywood is stepping up to change everything. It's a good one, folks!

Hark! Ho! Herald! Hear ye, hear ye! The Lord Majesty, Henry 8, needs some new strange and only one man stands in his way and that man's name is A Man For All Seasons. That's right! It's the movie that won best picture at the 39th Academy Awards and that the Boys Balcony watched.... ALL THE WAY THROUGH! Winter, Spring, Summer, and Fall, all you have to do is call up your favorite podcast app and stick in your favorite ear buds or headphones. We don't tell you how to live. Enjoy or don't. Again. You have free will. Look around you. You can change! All it takes is one step!

The hiiiiiiiiiiiiiills are aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive with sound of balcony! LOL What? That's right! The Boys are finally back to talking about a movie that almost everybody has seen except for Sean who had not seen it! It's the Sound of Music, the timeless cherised classic masterpiece that tells the story of a sexy nun who hangs out with other sexy nuns until she becomes the music teacher to a bunch of kids and starts a world war 2. Also there is a goat puppet show that makes no sense. O ho lay dee odl lee o, lay dee odl lee o lay! It's a fun one so gather up the family, explain to them why you have to excuse yourself for an hour, and hop into your big boy hammock and have yourself a siesta. You've earned it! And while you're resting, why not take this new episode of America's Dumbest Film Critics Critiquing the 20th Century Masterworks of Cinema for a spin!

hey folks. Look. We really did try to record a new episode this week but when Sean got to Bill’s, his laptop decided that was the time to do a one hour update. then, and this is 100 percent truth (we have the local facebook group screenshots to prove it) the entire town of Whitman MA last power just as Sean had finished getting everything ready. I wish I was joking because it was freaky. Anyway here’s an old one about a Disney movie about ducks that are not mighty nor Donald.

Quack! Quack! The Balcony Boys are back and I'm starting this boys might have some sort of psychological disorder because they can find the horny in a movie that's about a man trying to buy a lake to save geese. It's the 1965 Disney classic(?) Those Calloways... which Calloways? Those Calloways. If you've never heard of this sober meditation on fur trapping and alcoholism than you are what THE LAMESTREAM MEDIA calls "every person that has ever lived." We still don't know how Bill stumbled upon this but when he's in one of his moods and starts cruising Disney+, watch the hell out! Those Calloways stars the dad from the Parent Trap, the second lady from Psycho, 15 indistinguishable old white guys, and a lovely young lady named Birdie or Bridie! Nobody knows!

The boys are back in town (the boys are back in town)! That's right! Rip down the caution tape! Mop up the chalk outlines! The Balcony is back open for business and boy howdy do we have an episode for you! The golden years of Hollywood are thank friggin christ drawing to a close and the 70s are right there... right there! It's just a few more weeks of goofy, big budget bullshit and then it's Midnight Cowboy times. But that's five years away. Right now, we need to visit the first of three musicals that win best picture in the middle 60s and we're doing it in high style with a movie that looks better than it is and sounds better than it should, My Fair Lady, the timeless tell of a groomer grooming a girl in a very literal sense (they wash her... more than once). It's full of songs only your parents could love and costumes that are admittedly extravagant. It's just there. Sean likes it enough. Bill doesn't. I don't know what to tell you. We're rusty and it's free. Go listen to Pod Save America or something you namby pamby babies. 

Last rerun unless we fuck up again next week!

It's the swing dinging 60s! yeah baby! Do I make you horny? Behave. This week in the Balcony, the boys are diving headfirst into a movie that they are too dumb to love so much but love, love they do. It's Mike Nichols's Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf and down boy down. Everybody is hot and bothered. Sorry the episode went up late. Sean got that moderna good good yesterday and has been an absolute force to be reckoned with. WATCH OUT FOLKS! THE BALCONY IS ALMOST 100% VACCINATED AND WE'RE TAKING NAMES. WE WILL SMITE OUR ENEMIES!

It's sweeps month in the Balcony apparently! Because of a combination of allergies, travel, and general incompetence, the Boys are having to throw up some classic Balcony eps for the next couple weeks. But fear not... we'll be back with My Fair Lady soon enough! God Bless!

Unswamp that canoe cause the Balcony boys packed a picnic and they're headed to the richest body a water this side of the Mississippi that is also in New Hampshire, On Golden Pond or maybe Golden Pond. Is the "On" part of the name of the pond or just the movie? These and other questions won't be answered within the confines of this particular podcast but Sean will sing a "very funny" parody of Lil Nas X's "Old Town Road" and Bill will not know who Lil Nas X is.... and you know what? Maybe neither will you if you're listening in the distant future... so here's a refresher: "Montero Lamar Hill, known professionally as Lil Nas X, is an American rapper, singer, and songwriter. He came to international attention for his country rap breakout single "Old Town Road," which achieved viral popularity on the video sharing app TikTok in early 2019."  Wait... what the fuck is TikTok? "TikTok, also known as Douyin in Chinas, is a popular social media app that allows user to watch, create, and share 15-second videos shot on cellphones..." So TikTok is just long Vine? This world has passed us by but don't let this episode pass you by.  On Golden Pond stars Henry Fonda, Katherine Hepburn, Jane Fonda, Dabney Coleman, a distressing amount of youthful punks, a wacky mailman, and a pond made of Gold. Rate, Review, Subscribe, Canoe, Love.

Sean feels like shit. Here's an oldie: 

This week we reach 50 episodes which can only mean one thing: corporate buy-out time! That's right! Two Boys in a Balcony has been officially purchased by Turner Broadcasting Services which means we finally get to talk about the most watched program in the history of TNT... no not Franklin and Basch... no not Rizzoli and Isles.... we're talking about the motherfucking SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION SONS AND DAUGHTERS! It's your dad's favorite prison drama if your dad watched TV on a rainy saturday afternoon when he couldn't mow the lawn. I'm sorry. It turns out Turner did not purchase our podcast. That was just an advertising email I received in 2008 about a new season of Rizzoli and Franklin. The Shawshank Redemption stars Tim Robins, Morgan Freeman, and Elmo

It's not unusual for the Balcony Boys to have a hard time paying attention to a stuffy boring English movie

It's not unusual for the Balcony Boys to get distracted by slaps heard round the world 

It's not unusual for the Balcony Boys to run out of steam within the first three lines of a VERY good song parody. 

It's Tom Jones day here in the Balcony and what a weird moving picture do we have for you today. It's the John the Baptist announcing the arrival of New Hollywood but still being like we can only tell lame ass stories about the aristocratic class. I don't know. It's a rough one and I hope there's some funny. Big shouts to New England film Best Picture Winner Coda... we'll see you... in 59 weeks (give or take a Boo Englund or two or three)

It's a real special edition of Two Boys in a Balcony as America's Dumbest Film Critics, Bill and Sean, are joined by an actual young person with thoughtful, articulate critiques and reviews of the art of cinema who doesn't think Lawrence of Arabia is "too fucking long" or "stupid." That's right! It's actor, comedian, raconteur, man with the lumberjack hands, Will Martin! Will stops by the balcony to discuss the 2022 Academy Awards nominees as we gear up for the big game on Sunday night! It's the Super Bowl of Film except without a lot of the excitement, suspense, and drama of football because we've just gone through two months of precursor awards that make the winners on Sunday somewhat inevitable to us (film journalists) but maybe not to you (regular normals). Will Sean stick to his guns and go with West Side Story down the line? Will Will make a very moving defense of Licorice Pizza that will get shot down by two fat old guys going, "He's a child" over and over like Mark Ruffalo in Spotlight? Will Bill prove that he has any range as an actor and cast aside his Boston accent to try and sound like he's from Minnesota? All of these questions and more will be answered over a very chaotic and potentially unlistenable two hours! Enjoy!

Here's the god's honest truth straight from the mouth of your boy Seanald Sillyman. When the Boys, Balcony sit down to watch one of these Best Picture winners, we try to go in with as few expectations as possible. We want to give these pictures a fair shake. We're America's Dumbest Film Critics and if we can't  objectively evaluate these Best Picture winners, do we even deserve those titles? So it is with a heavy heart that we announce if while following the simple mathematical concept know to layman as "rounding up" your movie clocks in at FOUR FUCKING HOURS, then you, dear film, have to earn that runtime and frankly, Lawrence of Arabia, a film that many people consider one of the greatest of all time, does not meet the high, high standards of the Boys in the Balcony. That's right, folks. Lawrence of Arabia is a classic Boondock Saints, a film that we can understand people enjoying but we just did not in almost any way. Good riddance, Larry of Arabia. 

TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONIGHT TONIGHT! The Boys are crackerjack boom bap zapped to be talking about an absolute masterpiece, the 1961 Best Picture West Side Story, daddy-o. Stay cool. Zip. Pow. 

In this Balcony, when the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences awards a comedy, we salute and we stan. This is maybe the funniest Best Picture? It's certainly the funniest Best Picture winner of the first 33 Best Picture winners. This week, Billy and Seany borrow the keys to somebody else's balcony and have a little bit of fun with Billy Wilder's comedic masterpiece The Apartment. Holy lordy, insurance salesman are horny! This is a wonderful lil movie and at 2 hours and 4 minutes, it's a motherlovin' breeze! You could almost watch this in one sitting unless you have a baby bladder like the boys in the balcony. Take some time this week to enjoy some Jack Lemonade and let us be your disoriented and easily distracted guides through the hollowed grounds of cinema!

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears as we gather to examine the God William Wyler's final Best Picture winning film, the three hour and forty flipping minute epic Ben-Hur starring Charlton Heston or Phil Hartman doing an impression of Charlton Heston depending on your politics. Don't let the runtime of the movie fool you. This thing is a goddamn breeze. What a picture. We also spend half the time talking about Anatomy of a Murder cause that's also great. Movies are good, you clowns. Watch more movies.

Here's the thing, folks. Sometimes they get it wrong. Sometimes they get it wrong and there's just nothing you can do about it. The past is the past. You can dream, sure. You can sit around and think of all the hypotheticals... what if I could go back and kill baby Hitler? What if I could go back and slap the living shit out of Vincente Minnelli for even thinking about making this abomination? This is the worst best picture winner we have seen so far. It's yucky. I'd rather watch Gigli. 

When you're weary
Feeling small
When tears are in your eyes
I'll dry them all
I'm on your side
Oh, when times get rough
And friends just can't be found

Like a bridge on the river kwai
I will lay me down
Like a bridge on the river kwai
I will lay me down

When you're down and out
When you're on the street
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you
I'll take your part
Oh, when darkness comes
And pain is all around

Like a bridge on the river kwai
I will lay me down
Like a bridge on the river kwai
I will lay me down

Sail on silver girl
Sail on by
Your time has come to shine
All your dreams are on their way
See how they shine
Oh, if you need a friend
I'm sailing right behind

Like a bridge  on the river kwai

I will ease your mind
Like a bridge  on the river kwai
I will ease your mind

Guys, we fucked up and forgot to watch a movie but still wanted to bro down so enjoy!

Good morrow, weary traveller. Why not let down your load and let me tell you a tale (in real time!) of a man who travelled around the world in 80 days. By the time this film is over, your children will be resentful of how you spend your time. It's the 1956 Best Picture winner, Around the World in 80 Days! It's interminably long. It has all the charm of watching vacation photos from a person you hate. Keep an ear out for a very special guest this week in the Balcony! He's a little rascal but we love him! Cowabunga, hot air balloon enthusiasts!

Ladies and gentlemen, what was the Best Picture winner at the 1956 Academy Awards? Herb Stempel would have you think it's On the Waterfront because he's a fucking idiot and has no sense of cinematic history. The answer of course, is Marty. Lovable, fat, dog-faced Marty. A true dog. One of the doggiest dogs that ever dogged. On top, on bottom, from the front or the back, it's always doggystyle when Marty is involved. It's one of the most prestigious winners of all time, Marty, this week in the Balcony. 

Hey I could have been a contender! I could have been a something! Instead of a B.U.M. Equipment sales representative! Ladies and gentlemen, the boys went remote again cause of the gosh darn novel coronavirus variant number five or six at this point but fret not, it's a whole episode of chuckles and fuckles all about the best picture winner of 1954, the excellent anti-union propaganda piece, On the Waterfront, directed by actual dead snitch Elia Kazan. The tragic story of a guy who was afraid of collective bargaining, Kazan directed the movie also. I hate this paragraphs. Nobody reads them. I shoveled snow all morning and now I'm sitting here typing this shit out. This isn't how it was supposed to be. I had dreams of my name in lights, up on the stage, reciting some of the great dramatical works of the 20th century. I could have been a contender. I could have been a somebody instead of a B.U.M. Equipment sales representative. It's On the Waterfront!

Loyal listeners, WE. ARE. BACK. FROM. THE. ONE. WEEK. WE. TOOK. OFF. It's 1953's Best Picture winner, From Here to Eternity and spoiler alert, neither of the boys remembered to do say the title of the film in "Near.... far" Grover voice. I just wanted to get it in there. Partial credit is still credit. It's the touching story of a bunch of beach bums who answer the call when they're nation (or what would be their nation in another 15 years) comes under attack. We had fun. We sing some Sinatra. It's good. 

Ho ho ho! The boys are taking a couple weeks off from their Academy Awards mega-watch but didn't want to leave you standing in the breeze, holding your junk, reflecting on the decline of the American empire. We wouldn't do that to you so we recorded an episode about a classic Hollywood Christmas special long lost to time but found 10 years ago and lovingly restored and dumped onto HBOMax with no fanfare. It's Rod Serling's A Carol for Another Christmas directed by lil Mank(Mank!) and starring the cast of Dr Strangelove. Does it rule? Absolutely. Is it depressing? Absolutely. WIll you be able to get credit at your local community college for watching and engaging with this poignant and still relevant film? Absolutely. That's the Balcony guarantee! Listening to this podcast is worth 7 credits at any community college. Bill's already half way to a degree in tube television repairs and Sean is in the Matrix. Do you want the red pill or the blue pill? The red pill wakes you up from this pristine nightmare world and the blue pill keeps sedated and denies you the joy of the post-apocalyptic utopia where there is no sun. Follow the rabbit or something. Bullettime.  

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages! Step right up and behold the most misleadingly titled film of all time, The Greatest Show on Earth! Directed by Cecil B Demille, this circus documentary disguised as a love story/fugitive clown story is so long that I don't want to prattle on about it anymore so Bill will have to fill in something on the instagram post cause I'm tired goddammit. i'm so fucking tired.

Light up those baguettes, folks because this week the Balcony is in the City of Lights, France, where they got nude beaches but the girls don't shave their pits. It's An American in Paris directed by Vincente Minelli and starring Gene Kelly and really that's the story here. Holy hell. You seen this guy? Gene Kelly? Fucking incredible. An absolute star. One of the brightest of all time. There's 90 minutes of an adorable movie and then 20 minutes that elevates it to a level of greatness we rarely see. It's An American in Paris and it's a movie and we're a podcast!

Finally.... it's Kim Carnes's time to shine! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends. We took a week off last week so Billy Boy could spoil the natural beauty of Aruba but we're back this week celebrating all things Oscar (de la hoya, the grouch, mayer) and we've got a doozy this week as we talk about All About Eve! Bette Davis is back and she's still the goddamned greatest and she's still getting messy with her female co-stars. Great performances abound and a good movie will be found. Also we sing probably I don't know. We just recorded but we both enter fugue states. It's All About Eve and it's all about fun!

Humpty Dumpty sat in the Balcony, eating his curds and wey. Along came some dipshits to discuss all the movies and pushed Humpty Dumpty to his death. That's right, folks. IT WAS MURDER. That dumb egg bitch wouldn't play ball so the Balcony political machine scrambled his ass. Folks, it's Year 22 of our celebration of the Academy Award for Best Picture winning films and boy howdy do we got a dang barn burner for all you hicks in the sticks. It's the 1949 political melodrama All the King's Men and it's gooooooood as heck. Not perfect by any means but light years better than the absolutely attrocious 2006 Sean Penn starring remake. Holy shit is that thing bad. There was a slight covid related mishap about 8 minutes in (we're both physically still alive) but there's plenty of fun in the sun. If you're down Aruba way, make sure to say hey to Bill McMorrow. He's the one farting up the hot tub at all hours of the night!

To BE or not to BE, that is the question. This movie sucks. Hamlet rules but we both hated this in ways unexpected and wondrous. Genuinely surpirsed by this too. If you look at the list of all the Best Picture winners, I would rather watch almost any of them including Crash and Green Book before I ever lay eyes on this version of Hamlet again. Laurence Olivier, fuck you. Two Boys in a Balcony does not care for you or your attitude. 

Welp, this is the week Bill finally broke. Poor guy was cruising right along and I don't know if it's the residual stress of a global pandemic or what but our sweet, sweet boy finally lost his damn mind this week which actually works in your favor cause as we return to our Best Picture Weekly Marathon, this week's Best Picture winner is just kind of... fine? I don't know. It's a very heavy handed film about a very important issue that still plagues us as a society but I'll be honest, I thought for sure this was the week we'd accidentally cross a line and cancel each other but we didn't? Maybe? I don't really remember. It's 1947's Gentleman's Agreement and we're the Balcony Boys and you're you and goddammit you're doing the best you can. 

Somebody got a little damn cosmic horror in my regularly scheduled Boo Englund 3D! Folks, it's John Carpenter's underappreciated piece of brilliance, In The Mouth of Madness. Just a typical tale of insurance fraud mixed with the cosmic origins of the universe. Somebody even says, "The Old Ones" in this thing. It's a straight up Cthulhu. Sam Neil from JURASSIC PARK EVER HEARD OF IT, stars as a flipping narc come to make sure that big insurance stays rich and uh oh loses his damn mind. Like all the way. Like it's impressive how little of his mind is left at the end of this thing. It's a wild one and here to help you navigate it are a couple of boys who know a thing or two about going mad and getting mad. It's the Two Boys of Two Boys in a Balcony talking about the great JC. Merry Christmas ya'll

Who the let the DOG out? Woof woof woof woof. Haha lol it's week three of Boo Englund 3D and we're talking about the scariest thing on the planet Earth, of course, rabies and adultery. We take another trip round Stephen King country as we look at the compelling story of a dog that got bit by a bat who then goes on a killing spree of property protection proportions. Fully on Cujo's side in this one folks. Look wittle chonky fur baby Cujo! Who cares if sometimes it's a guy in a suit or a chocolate lab in a suit. Bonus: we talk about the dangers of sugary cereal (or mention it. i really can't keep track of what it is we say). Sean auditions for a Colbert Report reboot and Bill turns 51! Ain't life grand! He's going to Aruba so venmo MrSeanSullivan any amount of money so that Bill can pay off his trip!

Look, folks. There comes a time in every podcast's life where one of the hosts takes a nauseating boat ride to a beautiful New England island, gets zero sleep, takes the first nauseating boat ride home in the morning, dads all day, and then falls asleep multiple times while recording a podcast about a movie that no one likes. Folks. The sound this week is less than ideal but at least the content is content. We watched Flowers in the Attic for week two of Boo Englund 3D and it's a stinker. No two ways around it. This has big tv movie energy but somehow played in theaters. There's less incest than you expect but more incest than you'd hope. Very little flowers. Good amount of attic.  

When there's something strange... in your podcast app... who gon' call? The Balcony Boys. Hmmm that parody fell apart pretty quick. I don't feel good about that one. It's Boo Englund 3D! WHAT? That's right! For one month only, Sean and Bill have agreed to set aside the award winning films of dead people to watch movies that have won absolutely no awards about dead people! These are the Halloween movies of New England and we're easing into with a Halloween flick that actually did win an Academy Award (Best Score) and was nominated for upwards of one (1) additional Academy Award. It's a tale as old as time. Have you ever looked at your dumb life and thought "What the fuck am I doing here? Why I don't just sell my soul to the damn devil and then hire the greatest legal mind of the 1800s to get me out of it?" Weird thought but it's also the plot of The Devil and Daniel Webster. So rate... review... and SURVIVE MUHAHAHAHAHAHA

Oh ladies and gentlemen... 2020... 2021... these... these are not the best years of our lives, folks. There are merely years of our lives. The Best Years of Our Lives? Ummm the immediate aftermath of the second world war. EVER HEARD OF IT? It's William Wyler's three hour post-war epic! It came so close to sweeping and winning every award it was nominated for (get your act together, sound recorder of The Best Years of Our Lives). It's a quiet human movie and it cooks. You blink and there's only 2 hours and 30 mins left. Blink again and it's only 2 hours left! It's really a beautiful  film and we're arguably the two stupidest people that have ever discussed it. It's a fun one. It's the Best Hour and Half of Your Day!

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Reefer Madness of whiskey... the Lost Weekend! Have you ever been some dipshit sad sack in 1940s New York so addicted to the drink that you'll... drink? Yeah. Intense shit. It's definitely a movie and it definitely won awards and we here at Balcony Boys Industries can't for the life of us figure out why. Sometimes these award winners are magical surprises and sometimes these award winners are 90 minute slogs about one miserable shit trying to drink himself to death. At least, Philp Marlowe and the Thin Man had the decency to solve some crimes in the midst of their living blackouts. I don't know. Two weeks till Boo Englund 3D! Get your tshirts at a store that makes tshirts and then also send us some of those tshirts (3xl/2xl - Bill thinks he's an XL and right now? Maybe he is but come on... throw another x on the man's shirt. If it's too big he can use it as a sleep shirt.) 

Aw gee shucks wilikers I done forgot to post the podcast on time because this week's Best Picture plum tuckered me out by struggling to keep me awake! It's Going My Way, the story of a golf-loving priest who turns a whole bunch lil' stinkers (boys) into a show choir! It's the who-gives-a-shit-est choice they could have made after giving the Big Dog award to Casablanca last week but that's life, right? That's what all the people say. 

Here is looking at you, kid! It's Casablanca! What? You haven't seen Casablanca? Oh. Weird. You might want to do that or at the very least, never say those words out loud ever again. Don't ever tell somebody you haven't seen Casablanca. What're you stupid? You're not stupid. You're smart. Very smart. And handsome or beautiful or some non-gendered way to objectify your level of attraction. Believe in yourself. We believe in you. It's a good movie and you deserve to do something nice for yourself. Stop being so co-dependent. You don't need a man or a woman. You just need a couch and a tv or an airplane and a phone or a movie theater that is very specifically showing the Best Picture Winning film, Casablanca and if you don't have those things, maybe make better choices. A lot of this all depends on personal responsibility. You can try and blame other people for not having seen Casablanca OR you could splash some cold water on your face and get your act together. You're almost 39 for crissakes you can't keep doing this. It's all just hustle hustle hustle for gigs and then you spend the rest of the time trying to track down the money. What're you getting out of this? Sure, you make people laugh by the dozens at a time but is that it? Is that all you wanted to be? A stand up comedian, forever in debt to the ruling banks of this land? Grab a rock and smash the glass. This is an emergency. Grab that axe and cut the umbilical cord that's stuck in the machine of life like an old lady's foxwoods reward card attached to the oxygen tank on her jazzy stuck in a slot machine. Free yourself from the Matrix. I can't believe you forgot to mention the fucking Casablanca scene in Space Jam A New Legacy. The two of you/us watched that fucking thing and we didn't even think for a second that it was worth mentioning? Anyway. Good movie. 

"A rose by any other name would smell as sweet" unless that rose was named after another man's wife in which case it smells extra sweet. It's all flower shows and air raids on this episode of Two Boys in the Balcony as the Balcony boys dig into William Wyler's 1942 Best Picture winning best picture "Mrs Miniver," an excellent movie about the domestic side of living in a warzone and also getting cucked by an amateur horticulturalist who names a rose after another man's wife. Great flick. Check that shit out!

Ladies and gentlemen, lest your eyes deceive you this is an episode about what the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has deemed the best movie of 1941, How Green Was My Valley, a movie directed by the great John Ford that beat Citizen Kane, a movie that fucks. Do you like coal? Do you like people trying to do Welch accents except for one dickhead whose last name rhymes with pigeon? Then boy do we have a flick for you. It's Two Boys in a Balcony and we're singing Welch mating tunes galore in this one. Also we got our first sponsor! Jeff Dunham Hot Sauce! Get yours today at www.secure.jeffdunham.com

*extremely theme song voice* Who's the girl that makes the men go wild? Who drives them criminally insane? It's.... Rebecca.

Balconeers and Balconettes, it's that time where we talk about the big egg man himself, Alan HItchcock and his ONE best picture win, Rebecca. It's the story of a girl with no name falling for a guy with a name and then him not once ever asking what her name is. Cool dude. It's a story of gothic romance of all persuasions and a house so giant, you'll think it's Hogwarts. It's Rebecca, one of the best best picture winners thus far!

I close my eyes... only for a moment and the moment's gone... I do declare, ladies and gentlemen, I do declare indeed. We've finally done it. We've finally reached a Best Picture winner that STUCK AROUND. Adjusted for inflation, it's the highest grossing film of all time (and thank god we don't adjust for inflation) it's David O. Selznick's Gone with the Wind starring Vivian Leigh and Clark Gable EVER HEARD OF IT? Statistically more people have seen Gone with the Wind than any other movie ever made but who has the fucking time? This, very easily the most problematic movie we've ever covered, is 3 hours and 40 flippin' minutes long! WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT? Nothing should be that long. Movies, tv, life. Everything should be wrapped up in no more than 2 hours and 15 minutes but Gone with the Wind needs to distract you for an extra hour and a half from all the DISGUSTING WHITEWASHING OF SOUTHERN RACISM AND THE CONFEDERACY. Holy shit. This movie is majestic and terrible. Beautiful and horrifying. Captivating and disgusting. The boys get into all that and not much else in this extra bloated ep of Two Boys in a Balcony Save America

You. Can't. Take. It. With. You. You can't. You just can't. You want to but guess what? You can't. Hale and hearty, greetings, fellow travelers on this sphere we call Earth. Today in the Balcony we're talking the 1938 comedy classic You Can't Take It With You directed by king shit Frank Capra. We love the damn man and we'll sing his praises all the way until he starts mostly making propaganda films and then come back around come It's A Wonderful Life times. We also experimented with time travel technology and Bill traveled all the way back to the 1930s to record this episode via pay phone. We are not smart men. We will figure out the sound issue but also, we might not! It's Two Boys in a Balcony, the only show that promises listenability and nothing more!

J'accuse! God bless you! It's the Balcony Boys and we're back to discuss the 10th winner of the Academy Award for Best Picture, The Life of Emile Zola, the incomplete look at the Dreyfus Affair and a very particular Zola whose very own Life was part of it. It's a historical biopic and It stars a man whom the damn Criterion Channel has dubbed "an actor among stars." Sounds like a dig but when you see the amount of acting Paul Muni does, you'll be like, "Holy hell... that was a lot of acting!" He's great. The movie is good. We're funny. Enjoy. 

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages... come and feast your ears upon the latest dispatch from West Balconysvania as the boys take a look at 1936's The Great Ziegfeld! It's a damn biopic and it's a chockful of damn dancing and William Powell, maybe the most dashing damn  man that ever lived. Enjoy it!

Shiver me timbers and avast ye mateys! The pirates have left the balcony in such disarray that we weren't able to get a new episode out last week for the first time in two years! Ahoy! But fret not, sailors, cause the balcony buds have persevered and rowed their boat ashore to final lay out their case for why Mutiny on the Bounty absolutely fucks. Charles Laughton, Clark Gable, other people! It's the most fun you'll have on a boat that seems to be absolutely no fun to be on! Boats rock! We love our beautiful boaters, don't we folks?

Oh hello there, folks. This week, the balcony is closed for maintenance. Sean ated too much pie and we need to do some structural reinforcement. Enjoy this classic episode from the New England run of Two Boys in a Balcony, episode 7, Hot Summer Nights! Director Elijah Bynam's tribute to the coke fueled 90s tributes to the 70s, this is a fun one probably. I forgot to relisten. Cheerio!

Uh oh! Somebody let them damn Minions (Minions: the Rise of Gru in theaters July 1, 2022) into the recording studio and at some point, they screwed everything up something fierce and since Sean is pressed for time, this is the only write up you're getting. It Happened One Night! 

Have you ever wanted to watch every season of Downton Abbey in two hours? You have? Well boy howdy do the Balcony Boys have a Cavalcade for you! It's Cavalcade! The winner of the sixth best picture at the Academy Awards, it's another damn movie that covers 40 years poorly instead of 1 year greatly but ain't that Hollyweird for you. It's not the best picture but it was pretty good and honestly, it should earn you a couple history credits down at the local community college. Cavalcade! 

Guys, it's the unofficial prequel to Grand Budapest Hotel, Grand Hotel, the 1932 all-star slammajamma best picture winna! We love an old movie and we love an old movie star and if you can get us 5 old movie stars in 1 old movie, well we're happier than some 1930s slang that means pig in shit. "You'll check into the Grand Hotel but you'll never want to leave!" should have been the tagline because the Grand Hotel truly is grander and nicer than anywhere you've ever been in your whole dang life. I booked my trip yesterday!

*extreme Cheri Oteri voice* CIMARRON now Cimarron

It's the 4th Academy Awards! All the stars are out tonight! There's Doohickey McDickFuck and over there it's Scarlett O'Payday! And whose that coming up now? Why it's the lovable scamps and relics of the silent era, the Balcony Boys, here to discuss the Best Picture winner of 1931, Cimarron, not to be confused with Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron or Cinammon rolls! It's a movie so boring that to tell you anymore in this, the podcast episode description, would be to spoil any chance of us recounting the events in the actual episode! Cimarron! Your great grandmother's "Oh I always meant to see that!" pick of 1931! 

Oh yeah and Happy Birthday to the Song and Dance Man! Venmo him $50 to @MrSeanSullivan on Venmo! Venmo!

Do whatever the fuck you want on the Eastern front but here on the Western front? All quiet, ya hear. Today, we're looking at the third academy awards and the second GOOD best picture winner, 1930's All Quiet on the Western Front. Do we sing Edwin Starr? Honestly can't remember but I'd take that action if you wanna lay some money down that we didn't. One of the greatest "war is dumb as shit" movies of all time. I can't believe we keep doing them over and over again. Comedy podcast!

Welp that didn't take long did it? There's definitely a Boondock Saints II vibe in the balcony today as we sit down to discuss the worst Best Picture winner thus far, from the 2nd Academy Awards, it's the Broadway Melody of 1929. It's pretty rough stuff by any standards and certainly a downgrade after Wings. They can't all be winners even though they all are winners. The Broadway Melody of 1929! Not to be confused with the Broadway Melodies of 1928 or 1930. Those are the good ones. 

It's a new dawn in the Balcony as we invite our beloved friend, Oscar, to join us for phase two of the Two Boys in a Balcony experience. You thought our commentary on New England movies was inane and ill-informed? Well lucky for you, we've matured and are now bringing our non-sensical asses to discussions of some of the greatest films ever made and to kick things off, we went back to the very beginning, Wings! It's a World War One epic that absolutely defies any expectations. You wouldn't think it was possible for a bunch of old dead shits to pull off what the people behind this thing pulled off but they did it! Wings! It's two and a half silent hours of fury! Wings! We watched it! We loved it! And the best podcast listener award goes to you! The person that listened to the podcast!

This is it, folks! Episode 100! For 100 weeks, each Wednesday, America's Dumbest Film Critics have gathered to bring you no insight, no knowledge, nothing but laughs and silent laughs (presumably). We went back to the beginning to watch the most New England movie of all time, The Friends of Eddie Coyle. If you want to sync up and watch along, why? But if you do, you can. Just listen to us babble for 10 minutes and then start in the least professional way ever. 

NEXT WEEK! The next phase of Two Boys in a Balcony begins with 1927's first Academy Award for Best Picture, Wings!

It's episode 99. You've had 98 episodes put on podcast layaway and now it's time for the main event. In the pantheon of New England films, 1997's Good Will Hunting is maybe at the top of the pile. Everybody loves this thing... everybody but resident crank Sean Sullivan that is! It's Bill "the Orphan" McMorrow's time to shine, baby! It's not your fault... unless you don't listen! 

dude it's tha fawking fighta kehd

Hoo-ah hoo-ah hoo-ah. Hoo-ah! Hoo-ah, hoo-ah hoo-ah hoo-ah.... HOO-AH! That's right folks! There's only four more New England centric Balcony adventures left and this week we decided to waste one of those slots on a movie that almost exclusively takes place in New York City! New York City?! Pace Picante! It's Scent of a Woman, an insane movie made by insane people. Hey, Sean here. Don't watch this movie! Hey, Bill here. Watch the last 20 minutes if you want. Make your own destiny. Is it creepy that Al Pacino can identify women's perfumes? Ab-so-lutely. One of the world's greatest actors finally won his best actor academy award by being pretending to be a blind guy who at one point pretends to not be a blind guy. We also switched podcast hosts so if you can't see this, shoot us an email at [email protected]!